Have a Great Weekend.

Hi Laurie. I did a search using “bronze cylindrical lamp that casts light pattern” and found these lamps. Maybe these might be what you’re looking for ? https://www.wayfair.com/lighting/pdp/ebern-designs-1-light-dimmable-76-small-metal-cage-table-lamp-with-wood-base-w123330005.html https://www.article.com/pla/12204/perforate-table-lamp-brass https://www.etsy.com/listing/4410851545/japanese-pattern-lamp-intricate

I think you mean this one! https://www.article.com/product/12204/perforate-table-lamp-brass?queryID=01b69a539f4ea6ee6a0f1b8b6520be6e&index=production_product

https://www.article.com/product/12204/perforate-table-lamp-brass?queryID=04c14fcfe2ee4a8c5f1106195466e7f7&index=production_product

I am obsessed with Sherlok (and your daughter sounds so sweet)

I don’t have specific recs, but check Etsy!

Great column, Erika! I felt better after a bit of swooning over Harrison and Paul (she wrote, wearing her j.crew 100% lambswool men’s argyle v-neck sweater, aka great goodwill find, while typing this comment). XO

yes!

“Han Solo Season = Amazing!!!

Think I found my outfit for tomorrow!

Wish I could post pictures on here because I did indeed wear my Han Solo inspired outfit today.

Mmmm perhaps drop a hint if they’d want one first… From someone who gets stuck with outdoor decor that’s not something I really want and some lasts forEVER.

My parents gifted mine to us for our anniversary, and I’ve had so much fun dressing her up. It’s a great gift.

Bows are a great idea – keeping that in my head for when I don’t have any particular outfit that fits the vibe.

same same same also *lovely* *cozy* *restful* *relaxing* *loving* whatever the vibe – so intentional

Right on ! :)

Hi Amy, I’m so sorry to hear about all you’re going through! I read “Marry Him” and thought it was well written with an interesting perspective. That being said, it was written a long time ago and I think people talk about relationships in a much different way at that time than they do now. I also think of the book more as a memoir than a “self-help” book; I don’t think her journey is supposed to inform how we live our lives. That being said, self-help is HUGE in the publishing industry and I do think the book is sort of presented as self-help. So I don’t think you’re crazy for thinking that the book is trying to tell you how to live your life– but don’t let it! I do recall the feeling of panic of not hitting life milestones. It’s really hard when it feels like everyone around you is living the lite you want, but you are not. I’m in my mid 40s and I didn’t reach many of the life milestones I hoped to when I was younger (I’m not married, I don’t have kids, my career is fine but not a dream). But I’m good and life is easier than it was when I was wondering when these things would happen for me. So please know that I believe you will be OK, too, however things turn out. If I could offer you any bit of tangible advice, it would be to try to find ways you can spend time with people who are of other “age brackets” than you sometimes. It could help you see that life progresses in many different ways.

Wow so much here – in the best way. I want an article from Amy! In this boat with you — and on my end of determining where to direct the boat, I panic when people have the conversation about settling… world takes all kinds (to a degree) but my reaction to the settling idea is WHAT life is huge and wild, asks bravery of us, has so many twists and turns of it incredible love and pain and still love, the world witnesses us and we get to witness in turn, do not choose a second-rate witnesser of your life!!

I couldn’t agree more Amy! I’m 38, have been reading cup of Jo since my college years. I remember the frisson of excitement seeing Joanna bike through the west village when I moved there in my 20s, an era of my life when I thought I would find my partner, get married and have kids. Life looks very different than I thought it would – a couple long relationships with men and a couple long stretches of singledom. The grief of this period feels undeexplored. Second guessing whether I should have stayed in my last relationship even though it was abusive… what if he finally was able to change? The pain of being fully self sufficient, riding the waves of layoffs and a changing job market without a partner by my side. The joy of watching the rest of your friend group find their person and the loneliness of feeling left behind, watching our daily hangs transition into monthly catchups as their schedules (understandably) fill with the requirements of their partners and children.

Hi Amy, I’m a stranger and I don’t know anything about you, but if you were my friend I would highlight two things you just mentioned: the “panic” of not hitting milestones on time/in order, and the disappointment you felt that Lori’s book offered no “solutions”. It is disappointing and sad when life doesn’t pan out like one hoped and even more disappointing to realize that no one – no one anywhere – has the answers you seek; people can only give advice from their perspective. When I have faced my reality and sat in the sadness and uncertainty of it, it’s been heartbreaking but also freeing. It’s not going to happen like I thought. And I do know there is no reward or recognition for getting it ‘right’ or doing it ‘on time’ – that is made up. I hope you’re well.

I really appreciate this post and can totally relate! For what it’s worth, I decided to have kids with my partner (5 years ago), despite feeling so much uncertainty about our future as a couple. Thankfully we didn’t get married. I think that would have complicated things even further, because we are now trying to figure out what we want. Break up? Reinvest in our relationship somehow? Am I crazy for wanting more for my life? It’s really hard. It’s all to say that I totally understand the panic of not hitting life milestones, and rolling the dice in a big way, in order to achieve a few things that you really want (like kids). I never felt like there was a right answer, and there still isn’t! I wish someone would tell me what to do, present me with a handbook on how to navigate big life choices. I would love to explore this topic more, with this community. And I feel you Amy! It’s a lot.

I am in my early 40s, unmarried, single for fifteen years, no kids and hoping to find a partner still. What I will tell you is that I suspect that some of my friends who have children, under delivering spouses and demanding or disappointing careers seem to envy me my peace and independence. We can’t really know how things will turn out, no matter what checklist we’re given to work from and how we do or don’t fulfill it. They envy my peace, I envy their built in connection. Circumstance deal us all joys, silver linings and disappointments in more or less equal measure, it seems to me, just in wildly different and often unexpected forms. There’s truth in the old saw “comparison is the thief of joy.” It’s also tremendously frustrating to long for something that never seems to arrive. That said, I’ve never regretted choosing or betting on myself and I doubt you will either.

Hi Amy, I’m in my forties and feel in my bones what you’re writing. I follow a feminist psychiatrist on Insta (she’s French) and she says that, due to patriarchy, there are less “good men” (hear : with a bit of emotional intelligence, and who is willing to take good care of the relationship) than good women. It’s unfair. It’s doesn’t offer a solution, but at least it eases us a bit of the culpability of not finding one. I would not advise to lower the bar, and would say the contrary. As I see so many friends stuck in unhappy marriages and with kids suffering from the situation. I would just say to love ourselves even more and to reassert the value of our other relationships, giving less space to romantic love, that our society really highlights too much.

„the one“ broke up wirh me when I was 27 and I was devastated and panicking the next urgh decade (I think it was only half a decade but it sure felt like one). I sometimes regret that those years where so overshadowed by my search for a partner/fear I never would get the life I imagined. Reading your candid post just wants to give you and my past self a big hug. I second that no one can really gibe you advice because each person is so unique. What helped me during that time was to find outlets for all the stress and pressure during that time – and if you get what you wish (kids) you will never habe so much free time again. I relieved some childhood hobbies, learned meditation, went to therapy, made new (mostly fellow single) friends…Very cliché, but some cliches are there for a reason. And I came out of those years with the philosophy that following a certain script is no guarantee for happiness . Being „late“ made me realize that my friends were sometimes really miserable with their kids. They to sometimes wished for a different life/partner/career (pr sometimes a career at all). What helped me was to explore ways beyond the standard script to find out what exactly I found appealing- was it more important to be a mum or have a close connection to kids while they were growing up? Would I be open to solo parenting. co-parenting and was my life fit for kids? Where else could I find intimacy, trust, community outside the typical partnership ? Envisioning alternative pathways really helped me in my circumstances

The book was published 16 years ago, so it may be a little out of touch. None of us can predict what will happen in life. I am 40, single, never been married, used to care when I was 20-something and everyone was getting married, but now I don’t! (The grass isn’t always greener, by the way.) Instead of trying and failing to hit certain milestones, just ENJOY life and let it happen.

I’m so glad you mentioned this was the same author as the “Marry Him” book! I didn’t realize. I love the question at end of this column, “Which losses would feel like grief, and which would feel like self-betrayal?” Such an important question – esp including the word “losses” as plural. But you’re right that advice is at odds w her book, and with that general “proposal chicken” time her book came out. As somone who did “marry him” – and the marriage was an act of self-betrayal – I can say only that I think the question of self-betrayal is a profound one. But maybe it’s something we, maybe she, too, only learn from experience. From crossing our own lines for other people’s milestones…

Just offering this comment, having been there (really!) in my 30s. Sure I dated people, but no one seemed to”right,” to the extent that my grandmother (who married my grandfather after knowing him for less than two months) thought there was something wrong with me. “You’re too picky” she would exclaim. But she was wrong. There wasn’t anything “wrong” with me, and there’s nothing wrong with you, either. I met my (now) husband at 43–he was 49–and neither of us had been married or had kids. I am thankful every day that I did NOT settle in my 30s (although I was tempted and came close once or twice), and am especially thankful that neither did he. The right partner is worth the wait. You deserve to be with the right person for you and the people you date who you don’t really feel it with deserve to be with the right person for them. Don’t rush it. If your heart is open, when you meet that person, you will know. All of the quandaries of past years will vanish, you will forget all the frogs you kissed. None of it will matter. Regarding men in their 40s… the men I met in my 40s were much more emotionally available and emotionally mature than any of the guys I met in my 30s!

I read *Marry Him* back when it was first published – Lori Gottlieb was on my radar because I’d previously read her memoir, *Stick Figure*, published in 2000, detailing her adolescent an eating disorder. I absolutely detested *Marry Him*. I was actually getting married the year it was published (and very much not settling – I had actually sworn off the idea of marriage!) , so it wasn’t personally triggering, but I also saw it as pushing a regressive, anti-feminist agenda, which felt keenly disappointing in 2010. Then in 2019, she published *Maybe You Should Talk to Someone*, and two good friends told me I had to read it because I would love it. But it took me 5 years to come around to the idea; I couldn’t let go of my loathing for the viewpoints expressed in *Marry Him*. When I finally gave in and read her latest book, I did love it! Which was very confusing. I know 2010 was “a different time,” but I’m curious if Gottlieb stands by what she wrote then, or if her opinions have changed. I will say, I’ve realized that it’s challenging to discuss the terms “settling” and “picky,” because they mean different things to different people. Like, Seinfeld’s character, or “Looking for a man in finance / Trust fund, 6’5″, blue eyes,” to me = unrealistic and not acknowledging that we’re all flawed humans and there will always be trade-offs. Though personally, I’ve also never truly understood when people say love/marriage takes “hard work.” There may be work, but at least for me, it doesn’t FEEL like work. I do know, however, that I got incredibly lucky when I met my spouse, so maybe my perspective is unfairly skewed.

Going against the grain here to mention something I’ve observed. I think Millennials (most of the repliers here seem to be Millenials, including myself) are a very cautious generation. I think Boomers, our parents, had a lot more faith that life would work out for them (for good reason) and took more chances. It seems everything I and my Millennial friends do is so carefully considered. This could be seen as responsible risk aversion, but I’ve noticed that when surprises happen in my life that are out of my control, I always adapt, even though my risk averse self would have never been brave enough to that kind of chance on my own. I haven’t read “Marry Him” but the gist I’m getting from it is that maybe we just need to take more chances and marry that guy, despite his faults. It might not work out, but if not, we can recover, and maybe not taking that risk will result in stagnation.

People suggested gap to me on here a while back, and I am glad to report it was a win. I went in to the store and found jeans I LOVE for like $40. I have a pair of ayr that honestly stretch out too much and get really baggy for me after one wear post-wash. My gap jeans are maintaining their shape and feel great on. I was skeptical of the brand but glad I went to the store!

They have been a popular garden decoration for decades, like the flamingos.

Sorry, I’m not the original Kim different Kim all together.

https://www.levi.com/US/en_US/clothing/women/jeans/straight/wedgie-straight-ankle-womens-jeans/p/349640249 :))

I’m in Atlantic Canada, and they’ve got a grip on our region. I’m happy to be spreading the joy!

I had the same thoughts. Bless them. We’re never too old to grow in clarity about what’s important to us.

True. He’s a grown man. He should care about her feelings and make an effort, get diagnosed, have therapy, something to show he cares and is willing to make her happy. He could read The 5 Love Languages. Her love language is clearly physical touch. Once you know what makes someone happy it is so easy to give it to them, even if you personally don’t necessarily need that yourself. He’s a loser and she should leave.

The problem is she is feeling a huge ” lack” and its eating away at her. Yes, different relationship guidelines are not the same for everyone, but she is not happy. I’m currently single and have been for a while. I love it. I am open to dating, just not desperate for it. I’ve watched women close to me who had devastating divorces and are so desperate to find someone. It never works out if you settle or pick out of desperation. I wish these women peace and self love. I personally would not get married again at this age. ( I’m 65) I prefer to live separately even if committed. Everyone is different. Choose your life. Time is precious and so are you. We all to deserve to be happy.

Yikes! That was so sad. Was it created by PETA?

No, a researcher called James created it. I hope it gets the interest (and subsequent behaviour change!) it deserves. Thanks for your comment Cookie xox

This was compelling & heartbreaking – how we treat animals is truly evil

Delightful! In a similar vane, there is a house on my street with a Sphynx cat (hairless), and my daughter and I take great joy in observing the “raw chicken cat” sunbathing in the window – I always feel like it’s an indication of a good day to follow.

Wow, no, I could not possibly disagree more. Speaking from long experience: Being in a long term relationship that makes you lonely is much, much lonelier than being alone and happy. I would far rather make my own coffee in the morning than live with a man who never touches me.

Can you imagine living without any intimacy even though you’re married? Nobody should live like that, especially if they crave intimacy and physical touch, as the lady does. Marrying that man will be a huge mistake. She’d better walk. No, run.

Many hundreds of millions of marriages especially at that age do exist without intimacy. I sometimes think it’s the majority.

I see where you’re coming from re the comparability in other ways, and if she was saying hey I’m fine with this even thought it’s not what I pictured, I would agree with you—but the letter writer sounds SO miserable to be with someone that won’t just not touch her physically but seems emotionally incredibly disengaged from her. That is its own special, awful kind of loneliness. I think the headline makes it seems like physical intimacy is the problem when really, it seems like he doesn’t even want to hear how she feels about the world. I think if he’s unwilling to try to develop that ability, it sounds like she will just keep feeling more and more alone in that relationship.

Also dude––heart disease and cancer are the number one causes of death in the United States. Not “loneliness.”

I see what you’re saying Priyanka and if the letter writer was a different person who didn’t mind the lack of intimacy then she and her fiance would make a fine pair. But she calls the lack of intimacy “profound” and “painful”. She says she feels lonely, physically starved, trapped and so on. As you point out, loneliness is a killer and that’s the biggest red flag here. To be lonely in a relationship is worse than being single, IMO, because single people need not be lonely and single women are often very good at building community. And then there is age: illness is going to come to one or both of them sooner rather than later and a man who has no ability to experience emotions is going to be a very serious liability when that happens. She’s in a difficult bind and kudos to the therapist for giving her solid advice. To me, this letter read as a warning to others, especially younger women who feel trapped in a bad relationship. As Nigerian Girl says: RUN, don’t walk.

what Erin says below. This woman is not happy. She can find deep fulfillment and love in other ways.I personally think therapy would be a good idea for her. She is not healed. She is still not getting her needs met. She is settling. Yes, this might work for some people, but obviously not all. I’m 65 too and have somewhere like 20-30 years left ( good longevity in my family). She might be the same. She deserves to enjoy the rest for her life.

Hmm there are many ways to combat loneliness rather than staying in an unfulfilling romantic relationship. What about friendships, family, community, pets, etc etc ???? As Erin said in another comment: Being in a long term relationship that makes you lonely is much, much lonelier than being alone and happy.

Be strong Anon, you only have this life and you deserve to live it at its fullest and nobody should take the peace and hope away from you, go now and don’t look back. Like I read here some time ago : ” chose the bigger life ” …a lot of good things await for you at the other side of this moment in time…consider it a part of your life that enabled you to jump start THE best part of your life…free and loved and hopeful…just go.

I’m rooting for you Anon. The time between when you leave and start doing all the things you will do when you are free is getting shorter. You are worth it. ❤️

I’m close to multiple women who have gotten out of emotionally abusive relationships and I just wanted to say that it was so hard while they were in the thick of it, but watching them come back to life has been amazing. In two of the three, major health issues either resolved or improved over the next couple of years. One had very graying hair and it literally REVERSED and she got color back in her hair. Emotional abuse is so insidious and there might be people who won’t get it, but know that there are so many of us who do and are cheering for you. There’s a new life waiting for you! And also: please do a little research on leaving as safely as possible, protecting your finances and physical self. Two of the women I know called domestic abuse organizations to talk it through, or worked with a therapist specifically on this, if that’s available to you!

Hey Anon. I left an emotionally, financially abusive relationship two years ago once my therapist validated my suspicions that something wasn’t right. It was actually not just not right, it was very abusive. Once I saw that I jumped like a manic. It wasn’t that clean. I made “mistakes”. But being on the other side is so much better. I am rooting for you. We all are. Make sure there are some irl connections that are up to date as well, ánd in your camp. Hold tight! See you on the other side!

Not for me! I found their sizing weird and the fabric didn’t feel high quality. Levi’s feel way better and honestly look better (to me!). I was bummed because I wanted to love AYR, but have to give them a nope.

I really like mine. They’re comfortable. They hold their shape. They’re a good weight but not heavy. They’re a little trendy, but not overly so where they’ll go out is style fast. I get compliments. I have sent back for fit. Returns are easy.

No denim is worth that price tag lol

“my ghost may be typing this” !! You’re funny!! LOL

OMG MRM, that ad is HILARIOUS 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thank you for sharing this, MRM!

I love it!

Love this!!

Amen to this. ❤️

Anon, there will indeed be better days but it is also okay if things are feeling heavy. It will pass. We are here for you, and with you!

I am sending you all the hugs! Oh, and an extra large decadent warm beverage.

Always remember that feelings are not forever… you will feel joy again even in the worst of it. We can weather storms when we know they’ll pass.

Lots of love and good energy for you Anon❤️

🫂

Anon – wishing you some lightness, laughter and ease – when I go through a hard time I always remind myself that things will shift and that I’ve “made it this far” and at some point I’ll look back on this crazy time and won’t believe I’m on the other side of it. xoxo