How to Do Anything

Not today, but I have stood in your shoes before. You are certainly among friends here, and this storm will blow over!

Thank you for sharing your story. Yes, right now everything is too much. I hope that both our thick water-filled and smoggy clouds clear soon.

I’m not now, but I have been. That tunnel is such an isolating paradox of overwhelm and ennui. You’re doing the work, but it takes time. Big hug to you, friend I haven’t met 🤗 I have no doubt that you’ll get to the other side with the compassion, contentment, and insight that comes from these types of valleys.

I’m. It sucks. I hear you. Sending you warm hugs.

I think recognizing it and knowing it’s a storm that will pass makes such a difference. I for one tend to have a increased pitch of anxiety/sadness whenever it’s the cusp of a season change. It used to catch me off guard and now I know, “Ah there it is. The light is shifting the air is changing, this makes sense.” A bit like tracking my period and realizing the precise day of the month I feel like all is lost! Hugs to you Anon.

You’re already on the right track by reminding yourself that this is just “right now”… right now I feel anxious and depressed but I won’t forever”. This is one of the strategies that keeps my head above water and reminds my mind that this is “just” one of life’s downs. That said, be sure to gently, but firmly, add in little light moments into every day. Ultimately, it is lightness that helps outweigh the dark times of life. I’ve been there. It is rough… talk it out/shake it out/don’t let it compound in your body. Hoping you’ve got a CBT therapist to work with. Hang in there.

Hang in there friend. Things have been hard in my world too. I’m pulling for all of us struggling right now.

I feel this too!

Well said. The internet just feels a little lonely and not nearly as fun this week!

Yes!! Love the COJ team for taking breaks (take as many as you need, as often as you need them!!) and also “Its like my best friend is on vacation and didn’t take her phone–I’m happy she got away but I can’t wait for her to come back!” is so accurate, ha!

As someone who works 25 hours a week and is having trouble finding something full time now that my youngest is 16 and driving, I would keep it! I feel very bad that my husband makes 4 times more than me, but I think about all the unpaid manual labor I’m doing to keep the family humming and it helps. Keep your foot in the door or it will be so much harder in the next stage of life!

I would decline the low paid job offer and continue volunteering for free per your desired schedule. Maybe make a business card for yourself as a private reading tutor and pick up a few private clients and get paid the $75 an hour you deserve. You don’t need overhead to do this. Simply go to the student’s home or meet at the library. The school may even allow you to do this on-site.

Tell them you’ll accept that pay level for total autonomy and control over how to structure class size and times. It’s the least they can do. Then, you can split your time as described, allowing you to keep your hand in for the position at your daughter’s new school. Use the money to hire your sitter. Shoot for win/win/win

…and what Cynthia said!

I agree with Cynthia. Why muck up your life for money you don’t really need working a schedule you probably won’t like, with a tutoring quota you feel is not best. You would be taking something that brings you joy and making it a possibly dreaded obligation. It’s neat you are passionate about your work though.

In a very different situation than you – don’t have kids, not a teacher, etc – but if you can afford not to and keep shopping around for something that would hit all the sweet spots, that seems valuable…there is an energy suck to doing something that isn’t quite right for you, which is a lesson in learning the hard way. Sometimes we have to do that of course. But if you can afford not to, then I say take better care of your energy and value the sense of all your wants/capacities being better aligned in a future opportunity. My take reading your comment was that your gut was leaning towards no but there was something that made you feel like that was the “wrong” decision. Especially with 17 years teaching experience my god…love the idea of you being a tutor, volunteering ant some other places, and sussing out some better options as you go. You sound like a really cool person with this being your dream job/field. Reading is the dream!

You are obviously a rockstar! But I say from experience: there is something about being underpaid for your skills and expertise that can suck the joy out of using those skills. It sounds like you genuinely love what you do and are excited to get back to it. I’d recommend, if you can, waiting (or actively looking) for the opportunity that fits your life and compensates appropriately 💜

Do private tutoring? We pay $50 per hour for our 6 year old during the summer. You can control your schedule and when and where you do it. If you have a good reputation with the schools, they may every give out your information.

The true reading specialists jobs are becoming harder and harder to come by unfortunately! As others have said, it seems like you have wonderful experience and you could definitely do private reading tutoring. I have not done it myself but I have considered doing it and have talked to three former colleagues that have. The pay for private tutoring ranges from $50-100 per hour, not including mileage and travel time. I’ve heard building a client base can be challenging but one person recommended getting connected to the local dyslexia association. This colleague was able to get referrals through them. Also, one thought, you could do some private tutoring and continue to volunteer on your schedule. With this, you’d be able to set your own schedule with maximum flexibility. Perhaps you are in a similar boat to me in that you got into teaching to help those in high need, those that would never get a tutor for $1 per hour let alone $100. I’ve struggled with that myself. So, perhaps continuing to volunteer and doing private tutoring may assuage some guilt. Or maybe that is not a problem for you at all and the guilt is all mine!!! Haha. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I feel this post! I work 20 hours a week WAY below my pay grade (also with a Master’s degree) in Social Emotional Learning in schools. I do get to set my own hours which I love because I don’t commit to really anything outside the hours when my two kids are in school (elementary and middle). Your kids’ current ages are precious! Also…I hear the comment about keeping your foot in the door. I would demand as much control of your schedule as you can. It’s wonderful to do what you’re passionate about and reading is SO important!! Highly recommend the book Stolen Focus that explains how our current crisis of lack of empathy is tired to us and kids being online so much!!! Can we please also talk here more broadly on WHAT kind of revolution needs to happen for this country to value education and pay people in this field what they are worth??? This is RIDICULOUS. A school i work with has a reading specialist who can’t run my program this year (in addition to her role) because she’s losing her position. They have cut ALL their reading specialists due to budget and 60% of their elementary school is below reading level. 60%!!!!!!!! I got off our zoom and cried in frustration. We have BILLIONS for war and ICE and destroying our national parks but this is how we treat education?!?!?! Guys this is INSANE. What are we going to DO??? This is all by design and it’s terrifying.

As a mom who took a fun but low-paying hourly job between 10-2pm (school hours) during a transition back to work, I agree that it can suck the life out of you. I did so much calculating in my head – all this work for beans/I missed kid event X for only $30 after taxes, etc. I agree that it’s a know your worth moment. Is there a literacy nonprofit in your area where you could volunteer and then work your way into a position? I tried that, but without a teaching background, couldn’t swing it. Walking away is hard, maybe see it as a moment to eventually share with your daughters as how your put yourself first? Another idea is – is there any grant funding that could cover your role? Yes, that’s effort to find, but might be worth it. Especially if you had some rad data on the impact you made last year.

I also wanted to add that it sounds like they are looking to have a part-time reading specialist for the pay of a paraeducator. Um, no. You have too much education and experience for that. I feel for schools that are struggling with budget cuts but this is part of the way they get away with it; women who are willing to work for less than they are worth. Off my soapbox!

Everyone in the USA should watch AOC’s “Meet the Press” interview with Jonathan Karl where she disclosed this. I found it fascinating that she explained the difference between communism and democratic socialism, but she sounded more middle center than when she was elected in 2018. She prepared well for that interview.

I love this idea Erika, I had the same thought while watching the videos. They are so informative and de stigmatizing, and at the same time, it’s important to highlight that egg freezing and IVF are not guarantees, even for healthy or young couples (learned the hard way).

Yes, I would love to see (and contribute to!) a post about egg freezing, IVF, and fertility journeys overall. I know there are some but it is an experience unique to each person going through it.

With that small amount of things, a pill organizer comes to mind. They make different sizes, so you could get a slightly larger one if needed. I use extras i have for just this purpose. Nose jewelry, small earrings, ear plugs, necklaces get their own box, you could even wrap around a small piece of card to keep from tangling.

Not a jewelry case, but you can use the straw method to pack necklaces to keep them from getting tangled: https://www.wikihow.com/Pack-Necklaces-for-Traveling

It’s not super small, but travels well and is so beautiful! I don’t have a lot of jewelry so I use it at home, too! Monica Vinader https://www.monicavinader.com/us/leather-mini-oval-trinket-box/leather-mini-oval-leather-jewellery-box-avocado?set_country=US&currency=USD&noredirect=&tiles=1&landing=&variants=slim&nbt=nb%3Aadwords%3Ag%3A20068823729%3A149052971696%3A657036953934&nb_adtype=pla_with_promotion&nb_kwd=&nb_ti=pla-2382985755761&nb_mi=107271&nb_pc=online&nb_pi=AC-JB-MVMT-AVO&nb_ppi=2382985755761&nb_placement=&nb_li_ms=&nb_lp_ms=&nb_fii=&nb_ap=&nb_mt=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20068823729&gbraid=0AAAAADg2L59aaMhIgPBplYVw_ncRwPYLr&gclid=Cj0KCQjw4orUBhCjARIsAIbF3qyUGmwJMqTorl5cwKIsg0MpPo26opGFRliusQwIaZbjB_tHZFiKStUaAhxnEALw_wcB

Maybe something like this? https://atmastore.com/products/jewelry-travel-case?_pos=1&_sid=c4e8f9fb9&_ss=r

I’m also very minimalist with jewelry and just today decided to order the GLDN Sidekick Jewelry Case after thinking about it for a year(!) and not finding any options that I liked better. Can report back after it arrives but it looks pretty perfect for my needs (I’ll use it for travel and for storing my jewelry at home) https://gldn.com/products/sidekick-jewelry-case?variant=44826100826243

I have this leather jewelery wrap from leatherology that I like, but might be too big for you! https://www.leatherology.com/products/buckled-jewelry-roll-bordeaux?variant=45656515576056

Thank you!

Yes to Persephone Books! I discovered my new favorite writer, Dorothy Whipple through them. SO GOOD.

Is that why my wavy hair always curls up after the sauna and cold plunge? I had no idea.

I admire anyone who can stand it!!!! Despite having Norwegian heritage, being from Montana (and still bonkers enough to live here), and LOVING winter….I can’t stand cold like that. Even feet in a cold stream on a hike. (I learned late in life I have dysautonmia, which explains this, and it’s also probably dangerous for me, so like always, listen to your body!) But I want to love it!!! I really do.

If he hasn’t already, he should see an ENT and a speech-language pathologist who specialize in voice disorders. And then make sure to follow their recommendations! Wishing him well!

Hi Midge, I am a speech pathologist. I would try voice therapy. Not all treat this so find one that does. I hope this helps.

Hi Midge, I recently had a frozen vocal cord after my vocal cord nerve was irritated (not sure if this is the right word, English is not my first language) during thyroid surgery. I had voice therapy and went to the ENT specialist every few weeks who checked if the vocal cord was moving. Voice therapy was great and helped me not just physically, but also emotionally because it can be very tough not to know when your vocal cord will move again (or if it will move again, depending on the diagnosis). If the vocal cord is permanently paralyzed, voice therapy can also help to get the other vocal cord to compensate. Hope this helps and I’m sending good wishes to you and your husband!

Welcome to Kdramaland! There is so much to discover and it highly depends on your interests. Romance: Coffee Prince: oldy but goody! A classic for a reason. Dali and the Cocky: Off kilter, delightful, well-acted with a great romance. Mr. Queen: my personal favorite! Time-traveling male chef enters the body of a Joseon era queen. Mystery/Thriller Stranger: amazing! Great commentary Happiness: Zombie and COVID commentary. With a romance! Snowdrop and SKY castle: By the same writer. Excellent. So many great ones to recommend. Enjoy your journey. Check out My Drama List and the r/KDRAMA subreddit for recommendations

Rae! Thank you very much for the recs. I am now watching the 4th series of K Drama. I really think that never in my life did I watch any UK/French/Italian/German/Swedish etc series where I exclaimed out loud every episode in terms of “No, don’t do it”, “Crickey, what is happening now”, and getting emotional all over the place in general. Every episode I think, alright, I understand the storyline and I can predict the end, but alas, nooooo! It is such a fun ride into a new world! Autumn, you can come, I am ready!

PS: I watch them in Korean with subtitles. Makes me concentrate, not dabble on my phone, makes it easier to fall into the story. I like what is does to my brain.

Which two did you start with? Older classics, I enjoyed each one a lot: – Crash Landing Into You is awesome, you probably saw that one. – Sky Castle: very interesting, but maybe not for everyone. It’s a comedy/drama about the intensity of getting into Korean schools. My favorite so far: Itaewan Class. Watched during quarantine, it was a great distraction and very good. Miss Night and Day: silly and fun Bon Apetite Your Majesty: fun for food interests

Thank you so much for your recommendations, Sasha and Rae! So far: – by serendipity my first was “Crashlanding into you”. It was like a kinder egg, wow! – Hometown Cha Cha Cha. Oh man, it is such a joy to watch good actors (the male main character, his friend the policeman etc.) doing their thing! I also liked the house of the male main character very much. – Run On. There are a lot of storylines and I really liked/focused the 2 main characters. I found it interesting how the female character saw the world and relationships (aka do not lose yourself in them and love yourself first and maintain a healthy relationship with yourself). – Crash course in Romance. The titles make me smile because “how on earth did somebody decide to name it like that?!” : ) Anyway, I liked it because the family was lovingly portrayed and I liked the development/end for the brother in the family. It made me feel good having watched this story. – !!! Something in the rain. OUFH! The connection/chemistry/love/clarity/easiness/kismet/vibe/whatever between the 2 leads was so good, I basically forgot about the rest of the story. Their acting was insanely good.

Hi Jill, I don’t know if you subscribe to Big Salad on Substack, but there are some more raw and personal divorce posts there from Jo and woman she has interviewed. Even if you subscribe for just a month, you can read all the past Substack issues. I have a similar question: what advice does the community have for wives who are 50% of the way to getting separted/divorced? Especially, a stay at home mom.

Sending you all the hugs! A few things that really helped me: A playlist with songs like I will survive, saying yes to everything I was invited to and regular dates with friends, doing everything my ex husband hated like eating his least favorite foods and going places he hated, walking until I felt better (sometimes took hours), forcing myself to exercise every dat, and new bedding. I also did a photo journaling project and tried to find something beautiful to take a photo of everyday. It was the worse thing I had experienced and I am so grateful and happy every day that I DID IT.

oof. we see you jill, and hopefully that alone gives you a soul boost. hang in there…

<3

I agree with Kris’ list- exercise, getting outside, being around people, and finding beautiful things. I also created a low-pressure list I titled “What if I…” and wrote down anything I wanted to do (and absolutely nothing that I “should” do). It looked something like this: What if I… Lit a roomful of candles Took a bath Tried out a climbing gym Booked a photography session with Tara Whitney (A photographer I had been following for years but couldn’t afford. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do this last one, but right after I made the list she announced an offer for mini sessions at a hugely discounted price. I booked it immediately!). Having little pieces of joy amongst all the grief was huge.

For Jill & Sai, make sure you get the money you deserve & think of the cost of inflation in that figure too. If you stayed at home to raise children, you should get part of the spouse’s retirement/401k /pension whatever it is called for the remainder of your life. Make sure you get alimony as well. From someone who forgot to do the cost of inflation – I’m now needing assistance on top of a FT job to survive . I no longer have the lifestyle I was accustomed to but I’m richer in happiness.

Hi Jill, I have been divorced for 8 years. I did not have children which made the decision much easier. But I would 100% honestly say, if you are 50% there, you’re already there. You will not regret it. Divorce isn’t easy but it is so much better being in a relationship that you know isn’t healthy or happy. I have never been happier than I am now.

Yes! Definitely do all the things and eat all the things that your soon-to-be-ex husband hates. Keep a list of things (large and small) to do that bring you joy so that you don’t even think about what to do when you have a moment. You can just look at the list and pick something. Give yourself lots of grace. This is very hard, and the only way out is through. Know that there is a Greek Chorus of COJ divorced cheerleaders rooting for you and living their best lives on the other side.

Sending love! I’m 90% of the way? It’s taken almost 2 years, I’m grateful for the time and the lessons. If you haven’t started the process yet, talk to an attorney, a financial planner, a tax person, and a therapist—start working on all the issues as they come up. Get as much money as you can and if you have young kids, keep your kids with you as much as you can. If you’ve already started the process, good for you! That’s a huge step. Here are a few things I’m loving about the steps forward: 1. This is the first time in my life when I’m done saying “I’ve always wanted to do that.” I’ve done so many things in the last two years that I’d always wanted to. 2. Practice gratitude. In “More Language of Letting Go” even just today, the subject was how gratitude for the person and the lesson sets us free. It takes time to get there. I’m grateful for my kids, my house, all the lessons, and I don’t need any of the past anymore. 3. Practice saying NO. I’m practicing “if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no.” Proud of you from way over here :)

Yes, love making the breaks visible, a reminder to myself to take a deep breath (even if I’m in the thick of it all and not getting a break anytime soon)

Thank you for the reminder! Peaches & nectarines & cherries &&& yummmm!!!

<3