My Experience as an Only Child
When I was growing up, people thought my parents were separated. It wasn’t because they got in public fights in parking lots. It’s because my parents took separate vacations with me. Over January break, my dad would take me to Colorado to ski. And then at spring break, it would be my mom’s turn to take me to Boca to lie on the beach all day and go to the movies at night. This arrangement was ideal for two parents who love each other very much but have wildly different interests. My mom isn’t a huge fan of the cold, and my dad doesn’t love to, as he says, “sit around in the dirt.” So, they took separate vacations, and the beauty of being an only child is that I got to go on both. (I can’t believe only children are stereotyped as spoiled.)
I never felt like I had a “normal” family. And I don’t mean that the way someone says, “We’re not a normal family” and then it’s a straight couple with three kids who are like, “Sometimes we have breakfast… FOR DINNER!” Obviously, there is no such thing as a normal family. But growing up, I couldn’t help feeling like my family was different because I didn’t have any siblings.
Like most kids my age, I lived for TGIF on ABC, the block of family sitcoms that played every Friday night. There were many different families portrayed on these shows, but the thing they had always in common was multiple children. Some shows had big families, some had blended families, but there weren’t many shows depicting my home life: the sole child living with two adults. Maybe because that’s not a fun show for kids to watch — it would mostly be about the adults opening mail while the kid reads alone in her room. It’s not compelling television, but it was certainly a nice life.
In the heyday of BuzzFeed quizzes and millennial meme culture, I was bombarded with content about what birth order says about you. Personality traits, preferences, and conflict styles were all neatly ascribed to whether you were an oldest, middle, or youngest child. When these memes occasionally included an only child, it was like, “Oh yeah, and these freaks have no idea how to fight.”
When people ask me if it was weird to be an only child, I tell them no, because I didn’t know any other way. Having siblings was as foreign-seeming to me as having a pet iguana whose tail was always falling off and being found behind doors or between couch cushions, like my friend Sean had. Of course I had my own room, who else would I share it with? Of course all these toys and clothes are mine, who else’s would they be? Of course I am terrible at handling conflict, who would I have fought with? My stuffed animals? They’re all pacifists, even Walt the warthog.
Growing up, I was rarely jealous of my friends who had siblings: The younger ones were like weird babies, and the older ones all seemed like assholes who thought we were weird babies. Sure, sometimes it was nice to go to someone’s house and have enough people to play Capture the Flag. But I mostly remember getting home, going up to my room, and lying on the bed in silence like a 44-year-old decompressing at the end of a long day at the office. And I knew the only person who might come bother me was my mom letting me know it was almost time for dinner — a dinner that I liked because you have more freedom to be a picky eater as an only child, when you’re just one finicky palate to cook for.
As a preteen, though, I sometimes wished for a sibling: specifically, an older sister. Older sisters are, from what I can tell, the meanest human beings on the planet, but they are also the gatekeepers to becoming a woman. They know about tampons and foundation and getting asked to dances and that the cool girls in high school don’t carry backpacks, they wear messenger bags. I lived and died by my stacks of teen magazines, but flipping the stark white pages of Seventeen is not the same as your sister coming into your room, pulling out a lip liner, and showing you how to use it. If you have an older sister, you don’t have to use the metallic gunmetal-gray Lancôme eye shadow your mom gave you from a bonus gift at Nordstrom, apply it alone in your poorly lit bathroom, and then wear it to the Friday-night dance looking like you got a black eye from a robot.
Instead, because I was the youngest person around by more than two decades, everything — activities, entertainment, topics of conversations — was geared toward adults. And I liked being able to hang with the big dogs (aka talk to my parents about what they liked). I was the kid who had no problem befriending teachers, talking to them a bit more like a peer, because that’s how I was treated at home. (I’m sure they loved that and weren’t at all annoyed by a nine-year-old talking about what she saw on 60 Minutes.)
There is one element of being an adult only child, however, that really scares me. As my parents get older, I’m more aware every day of the job of being their sole caregiver. I am so, so, so unbelievably scared of what that is going to look like. As they march on into their seventies, do I sometimes wish I had a brother or sister to deal with the uncertainty of the future together? Sure. Would I trade my life as an only child with my parents to have that? No fucking chance.
My parents and I get to do things that so many people don’t, such as spend quality time just the three of us. The best example of this is our annual winter trip. Many years ago, we decided to go “no gifts” among the three of us, and instead put all the money into one very nice vacation. We go every January to Aruba. It’s my favorite week of the year. We arrive separately and spend all day reading books and drinking near one another in the sun. And then we go have dinner at one of the many Italian restaurants in Aruba that exist for some reason. I love it because it’s just us. It’s the tropical version of what every day felt like growing up in our house. We’re not forced to accommodate others. We do the things we want when we want to. And my dad doesn’t even mind reading his book “sitting in the dirt.”
Alison Leiby is a writer and producer, and co-host of the podcast, Ruined. Her television work includes The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Life & Beth, and Ilana Glazer’s Comedy on Earth special. Her writing has appeared in The New York Times, New York magazine, McSweeney’s, Cosmopolitan, and many other outlets. This shortened excerpt is from her new collection of essays, I’m a Lot, which came out earlier this month. You can buy it here, if you’d like.
P.S. More posts about only children and what age gaps do your kids have?
(Author photo by Mindy Tucker, family photo courtesy of Alison Leiby. Excerpted from I’m a Lot by Alison Leiby. Copyright © 2026 by Alison Leiby. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.)
Tags: only child
Comments
134 commentsAnyone looking for a good podcast for a road trip, dog walks, or general listening, it’s got to be Ruined! True art. (Alison, if you’re out there, thank you and Halle for shortening your intro sections–I come for the horror horror, not the ACTUAL horrors! I yearn for the days when Halle asked you how you were, and you answered that you’ve been really into potatoes.).
Hi, i loved this piece! Thank you for sharing all of the positive things about being an only child. Im an only child too, and have received so many unsolicited comments from people – only children are spoiled, it must have been a lonely childhood for you etc But my parents always made sure we lived where there were other kids on our street, and I babysat the same kids all through high school, and my parents friends always welcomed and spent time with me. So it really did feel like this big extended family. When i was little i wanted a sibling , but as i got older and saw my friends and their siblings interact (or not), it made me realize that just because you have a sibling it doesn’t always guarantee you will be close. Its interesting to hear in the comments that folks from other countries say these negative stereotypes about only children dont exist. My mom said she experienced a lot of people ask when she would have another child and that frustrated and hurt her. I wish in the US we could change the narrative about only children and the pressure parents face to have more kids.
I’m an only child raising an only child and could have written this! Decompressing like a 44 year old—so real! I remember, in kindergarten, thinking “children are very annoying!” It’s not an opinion I continued to hold and I ended up working with kids. I absolutely love working with kids and once thought I would have many, but one just feels cozy and right. The part about my parents aging is scary. I also worry about who would care for my child if my husband and I died. But, there are really positive elements as an adult, too. My parents moved near where we need to live for careers and provide loads of childcare and love : )
As an only child, the only time I wanted a sibling was when we went on vacation and I’d have to either sit around by myself or sit around with my parents. And as a teenager, I felt like the biggest loser having to be subjected to these options! lol Anyway, I know now that it’s really the luck of the draw as to what kind of sibling you get and whether you’ll even get along, but I sometimes still get that wistful feeling that I missed out on having a forever insta-friend.
Thank you for posting this! I’m weighing having another child now and worried about what it would mean for me more than what it would mean for my husband. I feel a lot of pressure to have MORE MORE MORE but I may be just happy as I could be with one.
Please never bring another human into the world for the sake of a sibling! As an only child, it rocked. I wouldn’t change it for the WORLD. I truly would hate having a sibling. And I wasn’t spoiled! We were poor! But I was never poor in friends or time with my parents.
I’m sure this has already been said somewhere in the comments, but your parents need to put together a care plan (financially and otherwise). This isn’t just for only children. Everyone who ages should be doing this if they have the financial means. Sure, getting older, potentially sick and dying is not a fun topic. But it’s more than necessary to have a plan in place when the time comes. Or, at the very least, a notarized will and figuring out who will make decisions on your parents’ behalf.
My younger brother is profoundly disabled and needs round the clock care. We are both in our 30s now. There is no guarantee that having a sibling means that you will be assisted in caring for your aging parents, I will also have to assume responsibility for his care as he ages too.
Thank you for sharing this positive only child story! My daughter is an only child. We love her so much, and she brings so much joy to our lives. Our little introvert has always loudly and vehemently declared that she does NOT want a sibling, haha! But to be honest, sometimes I dream about having more kids… I love being a mom! Having an only child was our choice at first. For a long time, having more than one child was not feasible for me and my husband. There were so many challenges that we were up against: housing instability, chronic health problems, and some relationship issues that we needed to work through. Once those problems had resolved, eight years had passed, but we decided to try conceiving again. I suffered three miscarriages in two years. Now, I’m forty, and I have to wait another six months for fertility treatments to be covered by insurance. Where does it end?! There can be so many barriers to having multiple children, and it feels like a bruise is being pushed every time someone asks if my daughter has other siblings or (much worse) says something disparaging about only children. Joanna, could you please publish an article about becoming a mother in your forties? I have a couple friends who had children in their forties, which gives me hope, but I have also seen the challenges up close. How does someone decide to walk down that path? The recent news of Anne Hathaway and Aubrey Plaza’s pregnancies have got me dreaming about a late in life pregnancy, wondering if it could happen to me. Help!
I joined a mommy and me class when I had my baby. I’m in LA and most of the moms were 40+. At 35, I was the young mom in class. My kid is now going into 2nd grade and lots of parents are 8-10 years older than me (we have SO many twins at his school and I think it’s because the age of the parents is older). I’ll be 42 in August and I’m 99% sure I’m done. My partner and I flirted with the idea of a second kid so many times over the last 7 years and i love being a mom and think it would be fun (and exhausting) to do it again. I don’t want to devote any more brain space to “should I have another kid”, but I also like the glimmer that there’s the tiniest chance I could have a surprise kid in the next few years
I would also love a story on older moms! I’m 37 and debating whether to have kids as a single mother by choice or continuing to date and hope that I find a partner and father to my children. My mother had me at 33 which was considered a “geriatric pregnancy” at the time, would like to hear more recent stories
As the mom to an only child, I appreciate this. I had a younger sister growing up, but sadly, she passed away a few years ago (my father is also gone), so the burden of caring for my aging mother falls squarely on me.
I’m curious, is the stigma around only children a US thing? I’m an only child from the UK and have never come across any suggestion that this is unusual, weird or “not good” for the child. Neither while living in the UK or now in Italy. It’s possible it’s just that I was blind to it because I was a happy only child who didn’t care about having siblings with two parents who seemed happy to only have one. Perhaps I stayed sheltered from it in some way, but not a single person in my life has ever even commented on it!
I’m so glad there are places in the world like this, how lovely!
I’m an only child from Australia, and I never experienced any negativity about it either. Occasionally people might’ve been surprised (it is more unusual; I didn’t know many other only children growing up) but I don’t recall anyone ever being judgy!
In Argentina, a tipical family used to have two children, now everyone is has only one child, and most people I know (in their 30s) are childless. People used to say that only children are more spoiled, but I haven’t heard that in a long time.
I loved reading this! My 13 year old daughter is an only child (not intentionally but you know, that’s how things worked out) and has always really loved it–saying vehemently when she returns from friends’ homes how glad she is to not have a sibling. I don’t know if she’ll feel differently as an adult, but no family can be perfect or perfectly anticipate everything our kids might need, we can only be as thoughtful and responsive as we can with our parenting. One thing my husband and I intend to do is be very mindful and proactive about making sure we make as many arrangements as we can in advance for ourselves as we age so it’s not an undue burden on her, at least practically speaking. She is very close with her cousins, my sisters’ kids, so I hope she will always feel like she has extended family she can lean on. And while she’s good at hanging with adults and being the only kid in the room, she’s also really good at making friends, at setting boundaries for herself with others, at speaking up for herself, at feeling complete in and of herself. And we have taken advantage of her being an only child to travel, to invest in the activities she loves (broadway musicals, theater program, tap classes), to volunteer for her activities, to each have time and energy for our own experiences as individuals and we feel in balance as a family. There will be experiences I can’t give her since she doesn’t have siblings but there are experiences we can lean into as a family of three, in each of our individual relationships with her and I hope that will be a positive and beautiful experience for her.
I noted several people were offended by those who say, “just one” in reference to only children. As the author of JUST ONE: The New Science, Secrets & Joy of Parenting an Only Child, I saw and see “just one” as a positive–a declaration and affirmation of being a singleton and being proud of it.
For someone who is also an only child, this was weirdly unrelatable. I was intensely lonely and always deeply longed for a sibling. I did go to a lot of ‘adult geared’ events, but I often just sat on the floor and quietly entertained myself. I felt like my parent’s purse dog — they brought me everywhere, including places where I probably didn’t really belong. My father could explode in anger, and my mother taught me when I was very young that it was important to manage his emotions. We almost never went on any sort of vacation. Occasionally we would take an impossibly long, multi-day car journey to see relatives in another state. My father was fond of promising money or gifts or outings and then reneging when I thought I might actually get whatever he offered. It took me a long time to understand that he has been a functioning alcoholic for a long time, and he enjoys the thrill of promising nice things but does not always enjoy the follow through. I struggled with some parts of school — things that required sustained attention, especially if it wasn’t something I enjoyed. Turns out it was ADHD. I was made to feel lazy and useless. I struggled to make friends. My interests were usually out of sync with my peers because they were developed in a vacuum. Obviously part of this is that my parents didn’t have a good handle on certain parts of parenting. I was fed and clothed and was able to do some after school activities and summer camps. That was nice. I was also so desperately lonely that I wanted to stop existing. Maybe it wouldn’t have been better with a sibling. Maybe another kid just would have been stuck with the parts of my parents that were difficult. But I so badly wanted someone there beside me. My parents are in their 70s. My mother has profound dementia and is bed bound. My entire life at this point outside of my job revolves around their care. It’s sucked the life out of me. I still can’t make connections with other people. My parents seem to demand everything from me, and I have so much trouble setting boundaries and telling my father ‘no’ because I was raised to cater to their needs, and it’s a profoundly difficult psychological barrier to overcome to try to tell them I’m done, they need to have solutions for elder care that don’t rely on me giving up my 20s and now my 30s for them. I’ll be 40 in a few years.
Oh my goodness this sounds awful. SO AWFUL. Sending you hugs.
Post this on the aging parents subreddit to get support from others on the same path
As someone who gave my life for my parents – and seemingly grew up in a similar way – ‘taken care of but emotionally neglected’ – please, please, start living your life for you. I set a boundary about 5 years ago – I should have done it a decade ago or more. We have been conditioned and guilted into thinking we owe them this and it’s our duty. It’s not … Their duty was to love and care for us and support us living fulfilling lives . There’s a book called ‘adult children of emotionally immature parents. ‘ – please try it .
Hi Emme – I just want to say how much my heart goes out to you, this truly sounds awful. You seem remarkably self-aware despite this awful childhood, and frankly, early adulthood. If you aren’t seeing a therapist, I would highly encourage you to, and if you are, then keep it up! It’s not too late to start building the type of relationships and life you want. Sending love.
I fully give you permission to be done if that’s what you need to do. Your father will likely be angry. But he doesn’t get to control you. And if he is of sound mind, as a grown adult he can make choices about your mother’s care. You don’t need to be in this position. It sounds like the issue in your childhood wasn’t being an only child – it was having parents who didn’t know how to care for you.
I’m an only child and my mom passed last summer after a 12 year cancer battle. My dad passed suddenly when I was 17 so for a long time it was just us. I’m not going to say it was easy caring for my mum but what was incredibly freeing was that the choices and decisions about my mums care were made between the two of us and after by just me. I have seen so many friends with siblings who carry an unequal load and the frustration and resentment that can develop in families is worse in my mind than having to do it alone. When my mum passed it was just the two of us. And I got to sing to her and whisper her to sleep, and hold her hand just as she held mine all my life and I alone got to witness her passing. I’m glad it was just the two of us in the end.
I had a similar experience! I spent time caring for both my parents before they passed. It was very hard, but I’m glad I could be there for them. And I’m glad it simplified the decision making process. I was able to honor what they wanted, and I have also heard stories about the challenges of navigating that with siblings. It’s also just nice to read about the only child experience! I’ve heard anxieties from so many parents about whether or not to have another child because they think their first child “needs” a sibling or they’ll be weird without one. All experiences are valid and unique in their own way! We can’t control outcomes as much as we sometimes hope.
Thank you for this perspective. It made me cry actually. I too am an only child and my step-dad passed 20 years ago and my mom never remarried. The prospect of having to take care of her as she ages is sometimes really overwhelming for me. But I saw the same thing as you with other families (my mom’s in particular with HER mom — she had 7 brothers and sisters) and that definitely was more stressful (so stressful and hurtful that she no longer talks to any of her family members), so thank you for reminding me of how it will be. I’ll remember this any time I have these overwhelming feelings.
AGREEE! I have already gone through my dads passing and it was peaceful with just me and my mom handling it. When my mom goes, I know there wont be the angst of siblings opinions and not pulling their weight that my friends have to deal with. It is literally ripping my friends families apart and they wont be speaking after their parents pass. This is like, 5 families, not just one.
I have three kids and one thing that has surprised me is that none of them has close friendships with people external to our family. I have developed a theory that it’s because they have each other to play with. With siblings to hang out with at home, they haven’t needed or sought outside friends as much. Sometimes I feel a little sad that none of them has a best friend, but I mostly try to be neutral about it. If they are happy hanging out with each other and seem happy over all, I don’t need to stress if none of their outside friendships is deep, right? I wonder if anyone else has observed this – that good sibling relationships lead to less of an effort to make friends elsewhere? Anyway, from all the comments here, I am concluding that only kids are aces at making friends. What a fantastic skill.
I think it just depends! I was close with my three siblings growing up, but I also had solid friendships with kids at school, as did my two sisters and brother. My real deep friendships came later — high school and early 20s. I personally found it hard to make friends because I was always shy, but my middle sister was constantly making friends on the playground and things like that. I think it’s really just personality!
This is something I experienced as a kid, but it had less to do with having a sibling to play with, and more to do with my mom’s view on siblings vs friends. It was engrained from a young age that my older sister is my ” best friend,” which she still is to this day, but sometimes that message got in the way of making outside friends that were in my grade. You seem very aware though that both dynamics are important for kids, so I feel if you continue to reiterate to them that both sibling-friends and friend-friends are important, they will build those connections in time. When I reached middle school and started watching TV shows with concrete friend groups, I really grew a desire to make more outside friends!
I have two siblings and am not very close with either of them. My sister and I clash a lot. My friends from college and after, however, are my chosen family. Nothing is guaranteed by having a sibling, and as your kids go out into the world, they’ll probably make outside friends.
The downside for me of being an only child is you are all alone in taking care of elderly parents and arranging funerals, as well as being the keeper of their memories and memorabilia. I did dream of a large messy family but was also content to read quietly in my room and have a big imagination. My daughter was an only child until she acquired two bonus step siblings through me (and they have always been kindred spirits) as well as a baby sister through her dad (whom she loves but due to the age gap is not growing up with). I think the biggest misconception is that we don’t know how to share, we never had to compete with a sibling so I think sharing is not a big deal. The worst behaviour I saw between two kids growing up were between siblings fighting over which one got the short end of the stick, lol.
Yep. Just buried my mom last fall. It felt like so much to deal with on my own. My dad died when I was in middle school, so my “family” was just my mom. I have my own family now (and lots of kids!), and I’m glad for it. I would never inflict being an only child on anyone.
Yep, buried my dad and then raised my siblings in my 20s and 30s. I have one kid now. I will never inflect multiple siblings on anyone
Gheesh, GULP: “inflict being an only child on anyone”. Harsh! Hello infertility, numerous miscarriages, being overwhelmed by parenthood, recognizing internally that your partner is not up for multiple children, maybe has a hard time managing and supporting you with one. There are GOBS of only children out there and many of us are not “inflicting” that upon them.
I was an only child as my mother had a very late miscarriage then a hysterectomy, adopted me and then my parents immigrated to another country where they were unsure of their financial future. So not by choice was I an only :)
This is where we as the next generation need to change things. Parents should be responsible for organizing their later age care and planning their funerals and having all of that set BEFORE they pass, and while they are of sound mind. As long as they are financially able, the plans should be in place for power of attorney, funeral arrangements, notarized will, and nursing home funds so no one has to struggle while grieving.
Alison, thank you for writing this, and thank you to the CoJ team for publishing this when you did. My husband had a vasectomy today after we decided we were done having more children. We have a three year-old daughter and I’ve felt every way under the sun about this decision. There were definitely big parts of me that wanted a “redemptive” birth story, a healthier postpartum for me and for my husband (we both had major surgeries within the first year of our daughter’s life, my husband’s when she was 11 days old), a sibling relationship for my empathetic, baby-loving kid. I worry about dying and leaving her unsupported. It’s taken me a while to realize I would worry about these things anyway, or I would worry about adjacent things. It would be financially hard for us to have more kids. It would be physically hard on my body! Our life is happy and cozy and full of friends, family, animals, and travel. The three of us lie down together to read books in our daughter’s bed every night and we all fit. It’s not better or “the right answer” to have the one child—it’s just how it happened for us, and we’re happy. I’m sure we will need to hold my daughter’s feelings about being a solo kiddo as she gets older, but we’re here for that.
I hear you on wanting a redemptive birth and post-partum experience, I did too and then my second was even worse in many ways, ha! So I realized there is no redemption in it, only acceptance and healing. ❤️
I’m an only child of divorced parents and absolutely loved it growing up. It was always one on one time with each of them which was so special. There was also never really a “two against one” thing that I think maybe other only children with married parents would have. My husband and I plan to have only one, and I can’t wait.
I am combing these comments looking for onelies of divorced parents, my daughter will grow up as one. I’m glad you had a positive experience, it’s one of the main worries I have about her life (she is 3 lol). Thanks for sharing.
Jessica – I’m an only child of divorced parents (hey got divorced when I was 2). I was never distressed about being an only child. I occasionally wished I had a sibling to play with when my mom was taking a nap or busy, but now that I’m an adult and have seen many bad sibling relationships, I’m glad I don’t have any. I’m not a parent, but two things to consider: (1) When I was a kid, my mom made a conscious effort to get me together with my best friend as often as she could, and in particular to make traditions at holidays (for example, my best friend would always come over to help pick out and decorate our Christmas tree, make Christmas cookies, and have a sleepover). Could you do something like that? And (2) since it was just my mom and me, I sometimes felt that I had trouble establishing my own personality. Your daughter may or may not ever feel like that, but maybe you could keep an eye out for it and foster her individual interests.
Oh thank you for this Katie! As a divorced mom of one, I feel guilty almost every day that my daughter doesn’t have a sibling, but then I get a spark when I hear things like this and realize I am filling her with ALL my love, attention, and enthusiasm, and hopefully she flourishes and finds her own tribe too.
My husband and I are both only children, with divorced parents who live in different states (and only one of whom is financially secure). We don’t even have close extended family. I am absolutely terrified of how we’ll handle their needs as they age.
Hi also an only child of aging parents! I will say that for me, the financially secure parent is harder to recon with aging-wise bc there are fewer services he qualifies for. I’d recommend proactively researching elder services in your state because there are ways you can help from afar, even if (especially if) the parent’s resources are slim.
You need to make a plan now, before anything happens. Sit down with your parents and discuss it. Talk about the financial aspect, creating a will, power of attorney, nursing home care in case that will be needed, and funeral arrangements. We need to change the way we approach death – it will come for all of us, and it’s best to be prepared.
I loved reading about this family’s relationship. I also have a triangle family – not by choice, but it’s just the way life worked out. I love my family and suspect I would love it just the same if my child had siblings. It would just be different. BUT something I wanted to say is that I’ve read a lot of articles about perfect family sizes lately and people sharing stories about having siblings/not having siblings, how many children they have, etc. and sometimes it feels like a compare/contrast exercise where some people are justifying their family sizes, others are stressing out about it, etc. I think in these conversations what gets overlooked is does your child or each of your children feel loved? There are so many different family sizes and ways to live a life, but I think that this is really the only question that matters.
I completely agree. I think we all secretly have insecurities about the size of our families, so it turns into this “which way is best” type of conversation. But there is no best way.
Totally agree! I think being thoughtful and responsive as a parent, trying to build open and loving relationships with your kids, is the most important thing regardless of family size. There’s no perfect family, there’s just trying to make your family the place where everyone feels loved, valued and supported.
Agreed, I don’t understand the unnecessary discourse about “perfect family size”. There is no perfect size, and there are issues in every family! Whether you have one child or six, there are going to be happy moments and terrible moments.
I am an only child and I am about to have an only child! I was so happy to read this. We hope our son will expand our love for each other, to create a happy, peaceful little triangle of peas in our pea pod. My only wish for him is to find joy in life.
This article was so interesting and had me thinking about it all day! I really think it boils down to, not so much whether you have siblings or not, but more so the specific relationships and personalities within a family. You might be an only child who’s really close to their parents. Or just one parent. Or niether. Or maybe you have one sibling and are super close or super distant or somewhere in between. I’m one of four and the closeness I’ve felt to different siblings has ebbed and flowed at different times of my life, same as the closeness I’ve felt toward either parent. I thought the idea of an older sister who teaches you how to do makeup or doesn’t let you go to the dance with ugly makeup on so funny. As the older sister to two younger ones, it certainly wasn’t like that in my household! We just really can’t stereotype only children or siblings, because, as the author says, and as the comments reiterate, there’s no “normal.”
Love your writing style, Alison! I’m happy you’re here and will absolutely be checking out your other work!
I’m the youngest of 4 and I grew up completely alone; no sib’s wanted anything to do with me and my parents weren’t interested in parenting, only controlling. Being an only sounds like a genuine blessing to me. Loneliness isn’t being the only person around, it’s being alone in a group, especially in what’s ‘supposed’ to be a family and not having anything familial to relate to. And, FWIW, I can’t imagine asking someone else why they had x # of kids; none of my business and what the heck do I know? Best to all, L
One of the only child stereotypes is that you don’t know how to share. As an adult, I love being able to share food, items, physical space, etc with my partner because I never got to do that growing up. Ironically, he has a harder time with sharing because he and his siblings were always battling over who got what. We always joke about how this goes against all the stereotypes! I will say I struggled, and still struggle as an adult, with being an only child. I’m extroverted and love being around people, so maybe that’s why. The really quiet holidays have always bummed me out and I’ve loved when I’ve gotten to wade into the chaotic mess of other people’s christmases. I think it just comes down to individual personality for what you’ll do well with. I matured very quickly and always seemed older because I spent time with adults primarily, and I feel like that has served me well. Lots of complex feelings about it!
To help prove your point, I’m one of four and I hate sharing food, specifically. I’m a slow eater and it stresses me out so much to share because my siblings were always wolfing down food and I wouldn’t get what I believed to be “my fair share” lol
Oh exactly! I too am somehow better at sharing than my husband who is one of three and who had to constantly fight! I do remember the same from friends when I was little, always wondering why only children were considered bad at sharing, and saddened by sometimes not getting whatever was served while someone else gloated about getting two…. I may not have been the best at raising multiple children, but by goodness do they know how to share, split so that everyone gets a piece and never taking the last without asking if anyone else wants too! 😌
I think so much of it is how you grew up, were parented, or financial situations. I am sure the narrative that only children are selfish is/was a hard one, but so is the narrative that you have siblings you are always fighting with them. There are examples that prove the stereotype for sure – I know selfish only children (and parents who treat them like they are the only person in the world even when other people are around so I don’t actually fault them!) and I am one of 4 children who happily shares and always did, and who sees a lot of people around as positive sharing experience – we can try a bunch of different dishes as we share, we can split the cost of something etc. I think this is how I was raised, and somewhat of my extraverted lets have a lot of people around personality. I also know some of my things about whether I can afford something come from my parents thinking about paying for 6 of us to do anything – its defintely cheaper to be family of 3! Of course I fought with my siblings – everyone in every relationship fights at some point, and I am sure that at some point I didn’t want to share something with them – I am a person! I think its just so important to remember that what you do daily in your own home to create your family life – whatever shape it takes – has so much more of an impact on you than any birth order, or family size … except maybe for the talking to adults thing – every single only child I have ever met is so much more comfortable talking to adults!
Agree on the sharing thing! People with siblings have always seemed weirdly obsessed with making sure everything is equal and they get their fair share. My mom was so worried about this that when I was little she would make me practice splitting things with her fairly. Eventually, she realized the opposite was true. I needed a lesson in how to be assertive enough to get a fair share!
“But I mostly remember getting home, going up to my room, and lying on the bed in silence like a 44-year-old decompressing at the end of a long day at the office.” Hahahahahaha this encapsulates my 7-year-old singleton. I love her. She’s amazing. She’s so effing smart. I get tired but never of her. And I get breaks! She gets loads of attention. She’s so fun to be around. She’s so good with adults AND kids. She has amazing relationships with some friends who are practically siblings/cousins. And she still manages to have what I guess some call “big sister/eldest daughter” energy in the best ways. So mature and responsible, but also a total goofy, silly, sensitive kid just figuring out the world around her like the rest of us. Some of us got a shit deal with siblings, so I don’t want to heeeeeear it, NYT or anyone else <3 xoxo
The implication of these “yay only children” pieces and comments is that parents who have more than one never spend quality or one on one time with their kids, don’t indulge their idiosyncrasies, shackle their poor child with a mean or unreliable sibling who will not actually be their friend or helper…just here to say if any other parent with a sibling who chose to have 2+ kids is feeling icked by the vibes of the article and comments, you’re not alone.
The world is literally filled with images and stories and spaces for families with multiple children, and you feel the need to come boohoo one tiny safe space CoJ is trying to create for families who are very much still being stereotyped and intruded upon by acquaintances and strangers alike — just one of infinite data points, I went to a friend’s wedding of 50 people this weekend and was asked no less than 6 times by complete strangers if I was sure I “only” want one child? How insecure are you with your family decisions?
What!? Everything in the world is celebrating a mum a dad (ideally young) and a house bustling with kids energy, so when ONE article says, actually ‘good for them, not for me’ – you’re feeling icked? I am a solo mum with a single child and unlikely to have another, I felt such a relief reading this article!
I absolutely did not get that impression, nor did I see anything written in the article to imply that. I think you may be projecting.
Michelle, how does an article that shares an individual’s experience as an only child ick you out? Are you so insecure with your large family that it bothers you for her to be happy? This article was amazing.
Oh sweet Jesus you are missing the point
Michelle – maybe this COJ post from March will help: https://cupofjo.com/2026/03/30/parenting-advice-on-raising-big-families/ There is room for all kids of families here. One kid, many kids, no kids.
Happiness, contentedness, joy — these are not zero-sum things. One person’s happiness at being an only child doesn’t “cancel out” or impact another’s happiness at not being an only child. This applies to just about everything. Something to keep in mind!
You also don’t need to read it…? There was a NYT op-ed piece a few weeks ago about the benefits of large families. I started to read it and then thought “I have a single child, I’m very happy with my family of three, and reading this is just going to make me feel bad.” I think the take away is that there are lots of different types of families, and each has both benefits and trade offs. If articles about the benefits of only children feel like they’re criticizing families with more than one child, know that goes both ways. Just don’t read them if it bothers you!
I’m one of 5 and have 3 kids so don’t fit into the only child camp in any way but I still thought this was an interesting read of a different perspective. I have friends who have or are an only child for many different reasons (and not always by choice) and I think it’s great to celebrate the positives. Just like it’s great to celebrate the positives of siblings. I get where the hurt comes from because articles like this can read as “this is the better choice and here’s why” but I don’t think that’s the intention. When I read comments like “we only had one because we want to make sure they get enough attention and resources” it makes it sound as if someone like me with multiple kids must not care as much about my kids. I don’t think that’s the case but it’s just their experience and reasoning for their life situation
Michelle – there may be some internal feelings you need to reckon with on this one. Gently, it sounds like it struck a nerve with you.
Any parents with one child and feelings about when they leave the nest? My son is about to be a freshman in high school and my husband and I are realizing the “runway” is getting shorter. We have snippets of empty nest life when he goes to summer sleep away camp which I think helps us have some preview. But it will be strange! And empty feeling! Obviously parents of multiples experience this but it does feel more perhaps more intense with one. Would love any perspectives on this!
Hi Daphne – I am a (obsessed with him) parent of one who is now a Junior in college, so I was there a few years ago. While I always had a solid friend group, worked a full time job I love, etc, for 18 years, my life really (and happily) revolved around my son. I was worried about what that would look like when he left. A few things that helped me (my son’s plan after high school was moving away to college, I know that’s not everyone’s experience/journey) : It doesn’t go from everything to nothing. Once kids are in high school their lives tend to get much busier and they are naturally home less (friends, band, art, sports, etc) so you get a chance to practice them not being home. During his high school years I also was intentional about starting to pick up some hobbies I hadn’t had/made time for (hiking, meeting up with friends) . I have a tendency to fill free time up with work and didn’t want to do that. I hate the term empty nest and instead use “bird launching” I think it makes it much more exciting and positive and in our case, that was the goal and he was ready for it. Once he actually left I was ready for the grief to hit but the reality has been that while I of course miss him, the overwhelming emotion has been excitement for him – making new friends, learning about himself, being inspired by classes, rural boy becoming super confident utilizing public transit and living and loving city life, him bringing new friends home to meet us, etc. It’s been really great and really rewarding. (also, I worry about a million things because I am who I am, life isn’t linear, 20 year olds make 20 year old decisions, etc) but as my husband said when we were talking about it before he left “I can’t wait to share him with the world”. Him being in the bigger world has been wonderful. It does help tremendously that we are still very close and he reaches out frequently to stay connected/chat/share/ask. I’m sure it would be a very different experience if that didn’t happen. And being intentional about my hobbies paid off! Later this summer a friend and I are hiking the Alta Via 1 in the Dolomites!
Hello! I have a singleton who is about to be a senior in college. Gretchen Rubin writes about “open door” rather than “empty nest” and I have found that very helpful. My job is to leave the door open for family members who come and go, and make my home welcoming. I had prepared for his senior year to be full of “lasts” like the last time he would go with us to get a Christmas tree, for example. But his senior year he went out with friends instead of going to get the tree! This was a good lesson to not take things for granted, and to be present. His senior year felt like the first stage of him being gone. I used his senior year to put more energy into the parts of my life that has been lower priority when he took up more of my time. So really digging into hobbies, spending more time with friends, etc. I focused on building what I wanted by life to be after he left before he left. I found that served me. My son has really thrived in college, so that has made the transition easier, I think. I feel good that he is growing in new ways and broadening his world. I do miss him, and sometimes that missing is loud, and sometimes it is quiet. However, when I was in the thick of busy parenting, I missed parts of myself that I now have back. Life!
My only child is going into their senior year in college this fall so I have direct experience with this! I’m also a 100% solo parent, and so that aspect colors my experience, hugely. Enjoy the high school years! And it’s normal for teens to start to put more importance on spending time with their peers, over spending time with their parents – as much as possible, do not take that personally. When I dropped mine off at college it was a very emotional experience! I burst into tears when I hugged in goodbye, and it wasn’t because I was sad (as I told him) – but because I was excited and happy and thrilled for him to go start this next chapter of his life. Before going back home, I gave myself the gift of extending my trip for a few days and exploring on my own and doing fun things, eating good food, and sleeping in. When I came back to my house, yes, it was HARD; his room was empty and would be empty for months, and I would miss him. But I already had on my calendar lots of things to look forward to and to do – my closest friend met me for a hike and lunch the morning after I got back, two weeks later I went on a long weekend trip to the coast, each week I volunteered, etc. The first month he was gone I burst into tears for a minute about twice a week, but that was also colored by the grief of suddenly losing our beloved dog to cancer a few weeks before he left for college; I thought she’d be there with me while he was away, and I missed her terribly. Before this sounds all doom and gloom – it gets better, and it gets fun! Going out for parent’s weekend is a joy. Doing things on your own time all the time is great. Seeing him when he’s home on breaks, meeting and welcoming his friends to our home. And when he’s gone back to college after each subsequent break it’s easier and easier, and now it’s normal. Enjoy the time you have, the days are long but the years are short :)
Our son will be a senior this year, and our runway is very short! It’s hard to imagine him leaving, and I know it will be intense for all of us. My husband and I are reminding ourselves that we had a very happy, loving, joyful marriage of 8 years before our son joined us. We’re also reminding ourselves that a huge amount of our daily time and energy goes to our son, and after he heads to college we will be able to give that energy to ourselves and our relationship again. We’ll be able to pursue hobbies that our son has never particularly enjoyed. We’ll be able to scale back our work hours without so many monthly expenses (large rental home right now + private school tuition). So….seeing him leave will be hard and involve a grieving process, but I’m trying to view it as one chapter ending and another wonderful chapter beginning.
As an only child raising an only child, I truly loved reading this. Thanks for putting the joy (and pain) of only childhood on the page. I can only hope for some fabulous, annual Aruba vacation with my daughter when she gets older!
I’m so happy to have read this piece and the comments. We have an only and she is wonderful and perfect but I do worry about her future. We will continue to do our best to give her a strong sense of community and help her form relationships but it makes me sad to think about her being alive without us one day.
I’m an only child raising an only child, and I also worry about her being alive on this earth without me and her dad. If I take my own experience as my guide, I have an insanely rich inner life, wonderful friends, and lots of plans and dreams for my life—I’m in my mid-forties. Friendship is what makes me feel excited and secure in dealing with whatever will come. Maybe my daughter will be the same, maybe not, but the biggest thing is to know thyself, and what makes you feel capable and safe so you can take risks and exist in the world.
As a now adult who grew up as an only child, the PSA I’d like to put out into the world is: please stop insinuating that there is something wrong with being an only child. I do not like to tell people that I don’t have siblings because they instantly mention that it’s sad or I might be spoiled. Those are wild things to say to another human being. Please please stop doing this. It’s rude at best and dehumanizing at worst.
1,000%. Many of my superpowers come from being a single child-they are just different gifts or skills from what others bring to the table!
I’m one of 3 girls, but I have a single child and agree 100%. It annoys me no end when mums of multiple kids put a judgement on them. They don’t know our reasons for only having one
Oh my gosh! Your parents are so wise & cool to have taken 1:1 trips with you. I love that they were so intentional about it. So special!
My brother passed away from cancer 15 years ago and I became an only child. When my brother was alive, we both cared for our mother. After he passed, it was on me, and it was not easy at times. Mama passed away almost 10 years ago. I have my husband and adult daughters, but it’s not the same. I don’t have any grandchildren and there won’t be any.
Ruined is one of my favorite podcasts. I love Allison and can’t wait to read her book.
I’m an only and I have my partner and two kids. The one thing I’m absolutely dreading is when my father passes. My mother already passed and then why my dad passes it will be just me. Do other only children think about this? I know I have my partner and kids, but also it’s not the same and I think that is what is most painful. The two people who raised me will not be around and that just makes me sad.
I am in precisely the same boat. I hear you. I’ve no words of wisdom or comfort necessarily but you’re not alone in these feelings and fears. My father delighted in writing a “book” for me and his grandchildren that describes his upbringing and his own family of origin and our ancestors’ personalities. Cherishing memories and trying to carry them forward as “family lore.” xx
As mom to an only child (12yr old girl) you captured our lives and gave me a glimpse of our future. We might even run into you in Aruba this January because I think that’s a lovely tradition to start now :-)
Mom of an only here. She wanted a sibling, but we are older parents (me, MUCH!). Our girl has a gaggle of friends who are here constantly, for tacos, sleepovers, manicures, crafts, watching tv, we give rides to anyone who needs one. She’s learning plenty about how to fight negotiate, how to get mad, and how to get over it, these girls tick each other off all the time! We can afford relatively nice trips once a year, (just) and can afford our 2 rescue fur girls, and have time to help her get through the ups, downs, and sideways of middle school and puberty. We were able to get her some good therapy when it was needed for some anxiety issues. We can say Yes, (and also No) without having to take a family vote, or consult multiple kids. We are very very lucky, she’s a great kid, and our neighborhood and schools have been good for us all. I lost both parents early, have lost 1 brother to illness, and another to indifference. Siblings are no guarantee of love or help, at all. trust that the “onlies” will be okay!!!
<3 <3 <3
I don’t know if this fits the theme, as I am not an only child and I have two children, but my husband doesn’t like trips to NYC (but our kids do) and I don’t like camping (but our kids do)…so we take our kids on separate trips while the other parent gets to stay home alone, which is glorious in it’s own right. We joke that you learn similar skills in the vastly different urban and rural environments…how to navigate and not get lost, how to find a good place to pee, ways to avoid danger while exploring…these trips with the solo parent are coveted and full of memories. My kids are 19 and 17 and we are trying to see how long we keep it going.
I agree with this completely!! Spending time with just one parent is incredibly important. They’re some of my favorite memories from childhood and I am trying to replicate the experiences now with my girls.
This sounds lovely!! I can see myself implementing this as my kids get older – I love the beach and my husband is kind of indifferent – so beach days will likely fall to me – but he’s into a lot of other things, helps for raising well rounded children!
Just a bit of comfort: even those of us with siblings find ourselves the sole care-taker of our aging parents. Having them is no guarantee that they can or want to help.
Or maybe you end up BEING the caregiver, to the youngest sibling (with frontotemporal dementia) for several years, on your own, in spite of having another sibling. Who is little help, or actually an impediment, to getting what is needed, done. I hear you Jenn. :(
I am here to second that. Between my husband and myself we have three siblings and one step sibling, but no help. Two of those siblings are addicted and the other one is experiencing a serious mental health decline. The fantasy of siblings being helpful not true for all of us.
After partnering with my brother to help support our aging mother long distance, I think a lot of friends who are either only children or don’t have siblings who are willing or able to help with support of aging parents. Hopefully – your parents will be in good shape for many years to come but given that you don’t have an automatic support system, good to be thinking about it early to put things in place. At my workplace – there is a care partner community that has been created to help anyone in a caregiving role (and this has a very broad definition) have a place to vent, ask for and provide support – both emotional and tangible. One of the resources that has been shared is this group: https://daughterhood.org/ that you may want to bookmark for the future.
Only child with an only child and I’ve always loved it. I’m always amazed when people act like it’s bad thing. I loved being an only child. My mom always made sure I had lots of time with friends but I also loved being on my own and I think it taught me to be more independent and also to be able to interact with adults at a young age. I had opportunities I wouldn’t have had with siblings (I was an exchange student in high school and my parents would never have been able to afford that for multiple kids). Whenever anyone questions why my son is an only, I always say, this is what works for our family. When people lament that he’s growing up “alone,” I point out that my husband and several close friends all have siblings that they either aren’t close to or have contentious, unpleasant relationships with. Not that you can’t have a good relationship with a sibling but it seems like a lot of people don’t so I’m always baffled when people want to push the sibling route.
I’m an only child, and I LOVED being an only child. I had that fear about being the only person responsible for them too, but when my grandmother reached that age where she needed help, her four kids fought so much about what to do and how to do it that it now feels like a relief to me to be the only one to make the decisions. I’m sure that being alone when they’re gone will be awful, but I’ve always been really good at making deep connections across generations because that’s just been the norm. I’m friends with their friends, and a lot of my ffriends are family too.
As an only child who has lost both parents to dementia, I found myself relieved at times that I could just made the decisions and did not have to run them past anyone or get anyone to agree, I just did it. It’s a lot to handle, but spouses, partners, friends, cousins, etc. are great (non-voting) sounding boards. Also, probate when you are the sole heir is much less complicated than divvying assets up among siblings. So, while at times it sucks, there are benefits to being an only child to aging parents.
I am an only child and also didn’t have anyone close to my age in my family. My cousins were much older. With a mostly absentee father, I was close to my mom. I grew up surrounded by older aunts and thus being able to talk to anyone – and still can – and I think my only-ness where I was always among adults gave me confidence in my ability to just figure things out. I didn’t find much intimidating and was always independent and resourceful. I understand the real challenging feelings of being an only child to aging parents and am dealing with it now and 20 years ago when my mom passed. It’s not so much that it all falls to me to navigate, but rather that it’s lonely when you know there’s no one else who could feel the same level of grief and sadness when your parent passes. I absolutely recognize that siblings aren’t a guarantee of having a partner on that path. I read somewhere that only children have less memories of their childhood, presumably because there’s no sibling to share their own memories of family events as time wears on. I loved the author’s description of the valued moments spent with her family. There are many beautiful perks of being an only child!
I absolutly relate to that. I’m an only child, my father died 13 years ago and my mother died last year. I never felt lonely in my life or burdened for taking care of them. But the feeling of being the only one really grieving for my mother, was (is) isolating.
Thank you! I am a mom of an only who very much wanted to be a mom of more, but my partner did not and you really need two for that decision. When people talk about the strong sibling relationships (which I have and cherish!) or who will carry the memory of your parents when you’re gone I think DO YOU THINK I HAVE NOT CONSIDERED THAT??? For so many people that either isn’t the reality and so they choose differently or it is but they can’t make it happen. I’m mostly at peace but it still stings, and I really appreciate the ode to the joys of being a solo child as a counterweight.
Cee, you have no idea how much your comment resonates with me. There are many reasons I think having one child is the right thing for my family, but I wish things were different so that we could have another baby. My 3-year-old is extremely extroverted, so I’m leaning into having a hangout house where friends are welcome and planning lots of outings for us to spend time around other kids and families (like the library, swimming pool, and parks –– anywhere where it’s normal for kids to talk to each other). We’ve also prioritized trips to see my cousins and friends who have lots of kids. My biggest hope is that he won’t remember his childhood as lonely and that the kids in our life will think of me as a grownup they can count on. Plus, it just occurred to me that even if we did have another child, that child might be an introvert, and my “firstborn” would be their worst nightmare. How extroverted is my child? As soon as he realized there were other babies in the world, he did everything he could to get close to them. We literally had to drop out of parent-baby yoga when he was 4 months old because he noticed the babies on the other mats and would only stop crying when he was close to another baby in the class! (The class was designed for babies to interact with their caregivers, not each other, so this was quite disruptive.)
I am a woman with two brothers, and I just wanted to give some home that it’s not always the woman who takes care of the parents in the end. My brothers are very caring, capable adults who adore my parents and will do right by them!
My husband and I always thought we would have multiple kids but after the birth of our son we both felt so absolutely complete and decided not to have more. I look around the dinner table and feel like everyone is here who is supposed to be. Much love to all the other triangle families out there :)
Funny enough I felt the exact same way but on an airplane – window middle aisle felt complete for us!
This was a beautiful piece. I loved being one of three children growing up, and love having three children myself, but I know there are huge pluses and minuses to whatever size your family is (by choice or not by choice!). I do find the commenters here often feel very strongly about defending the number of children they had, be it many or few. I personally believe it is likely that all types of families have distinct benefits and we can thrive in our own family structures without knocking those of others (and this essay does a great job of that). I will say, however, that I went through the process of caring for my terminally ill father (ALS) in my early 20s, well before it was time for me to decide how many children I’d like to have. The experience of watching his health decline in such an agonizing way and supporting my mom as she carried the enormous physical and emotional burden of that, was profoundly life-altering. My brother and sister were my rocks, the only two people in the world who knew what it was like to go through what we were going through. We each showed up to help my mom and my dad in the ways that we could, day after day, for four horrible years. I would never say that I decided to have three children just so they could share the burden of caring for me and their father as we age. I wanted a big family for the chaos and joy and abundance of energy and love it brings. However, the benefits of having two siblings, both when we were kids and now as adults, have been so consequential that I knew, despite messy infertility and extremely challenging pregnancies, pursuing a large(r) family would always be the right choice for me. Again, there are absolutely amazing reasons to stick with one child, and I am positive the parent-child relationship that onlies have is something worth envying, AND I of course have fought and probably always will fight with my siblings, but I just wanted to highlight that the element of parental caretaking is such an important one to think through.
As a mother to an only, but a sister with siblings – I’ve spent lots of time working through my thinking that siblings are “better”, when in actual fact, my son knows no difference. His life is just “different”. I also struggle when people use the phrase “just one” – which seems to imply I am missing out on more, when in actuality, he is a most precious and treasured gift!!
I am an only child and have two boys. My mother miscarried with her second child; she clearly wanted more but her genetic medical condition prevented her from successfully carrying to term. Having my second child was hard – four rounds of IVF – and it very nearly didn’t happen. I find it sad when I hear people say “just one” as it seems like some feel “just one” isn’t enough or you’re less valued if you are parenting one child. Saying “just one” also seems insensitive to the fact that the parents may have wanted more than one, but they weren’t able to do so. Or, that the family decided one was just right…. I don’t know…
How many kids do you have? Just one. I don’t see this as a diss or an insensitive response. How can it be? Having just one is a blast!
where I live most young couples are all “one and done” so multiple children is getting less and less common. I grew up with 1 sister and I’m dreaming of having LOTS Of kids!
Hello! I’m an only child who had an only child. We are all happy and well adjusted and thriving! Quit telling me that we’re “not like other only children.” Pish posh!
AMEN!
Yes! This is exactly how I feel. I’m an only with an only, and we are awesome!
As mom to an only who hoped for more but could not have them, I really appreciate this. My son is a delight, and I think that me not having to referee sibling disputes gave us a purer, less fraught relationship than we might’ve otherwise had. As for dealing with aging parents–my spouse and I are both lucky to have siblings who are helping us share this load, but in my experience, this is something of a rarity. Inevitably, the bulk of that caregiving and decision-making falls on one person, almost always the daughter, even when there are caring siblings involved. And don’t get me started on the unhelpful siblings!
I am the mother of an only child and I really appreciated reading this article from an only child’s perspective. When my daughter was little my husband and I discussed having another child but decided that only one was the best for our family. I have an abusive older sister so I have no romantic notions about sibling relationships. We have not regretted it and I don’t think my daughter has suffered from not having siblings. She does get her way a lot and has both of our undivided attention so I worry if we are spoiling her some but she is 22 now so there is no going back to “un-spoil” her. I hope we can maintain the special relationship the three of us have, as the author has done, as she flies the nest.
Alison, are you my daughter somehow speaking from the future? My dear only has only ever asked for a big sister, does the recovery zone-out after peer outings, and my husband and I, though happily married, do have different vacation desires and we’ve started discussing doing separate travel with our daughter to better cater to our tastes. She even famously said, at age 4, during a grown-up + kid playdate, that she “would rather sit and participate in the conversation.” Cheers to all the ways to be a family, and thanks for sharing this perspective.
I love this! I get so frustrated for our only child. She is dream. Teachers love her. Other parents love her. Random people in restaurants love her. She is smart and empathic. She is certainly not selfish and difficult. I really wish the only child narrative would go away. Kids do not need multiple siblings to be happy or normal or healthy.
As the parent of an only daughter, I LOVED this! The last paragraph about your vacations now as adults almost brought me to tears. That is my dream for my family when my daughter is grown (and if she has a partner, bring them along!). As the middle child of five siblings, I just got back from a weeklong trip with my big, bustling, blended family. My parents and siblings and our partners and kids––17 people ranging from 68 to 8 months old. I know some people love that chaos and there is some fun in being part of a big clan (like when we were my brother’s extremely loud cheering section at karaoke), but the thing is, in a big family, it’s so easy to feel invisible, or like your presence doesn’t matter. I struggled with those feelings the entire trip. Would anyone even notice if I wasn’t there? There’s so many other people, and some of them are better at getting attention than others! Perhaps that was one of the (many) factors motivating our choice to have an only child. There’s no question that the absence of one member of our “triangle” family would be noticed!
I have three brothers and no sisters, and I’m the primary caregiver for my terminally ill mom. Sometimes having three brothers feels like having no siblings at all. Sometimes it feels like I’m the mom to one small child and surrogate mom to four adult men (also counting the one to whom I am married). I hope your parents live very long and healthy lives, Alison.
Dear Elizabeth, this sounds so hard. Sending you love from Germany. I took care of my terminally ill mother starting October 2024. My sister lives 1000km away and was no help at all. My mother passed in April 2026. I found some diary-like notes saying how much love and caring my family and I gave her and how we were her reason to live and even keep laughing during this hard time. My sister, claiming she was of great help, was not mentioned (just as in „today xy called on the phone“..). So please, Elizabeth, have in mind: We are seen and loved and what we give to our mothers will let us continue our lives in peace with ourselves after overcoming this almost unbearable task.
As a teacher and parent of an only child, I get so frustrated when my co-workers assume only children are more difficult. My son is a dream for teachers – he fits the cliche of feeling perfectly comfortable talking to adults. I would love for us to move beyond the cliches of birth-order. Some difficult students have multiple siblings; some have none. I didn’t set out to have only one child (fertility issues), but one beautiful miracle boy is what we got. I do carry a lot of guilt for not being able to “give” him siblings, but essays like this help me (along with the other comments). There are not guarantees and life isn’t fair; having another child would not have guaranteed a great relationship between them. However, I will make sure that he does not have to take care of me when I am older.
Thank you so much for sharing what feels like an almost identical childhood experience to mine. As a happy only child, who only briefly wished for an older brother when I started high school, I’ve always appreciated the solitude, the close bond I share with my parents and grandparents, and the sibling-like relationships I’ve built with my cousins and a couple of lifelong friends. I also share your concerns about my aging parents and what it means to navigate that stage of life without siblings. It helps me to remember that we’re not truly alone… there’s an entire community of only children who understand these unique experiences. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts. They really resonated with me.
I really needed to read a story like this. The NYT recently published an op-ed arguing what they called the “benefits” of having siblings–many of them. It was written by a catholic researcher who obviously had a specific viewpoint they were arguing, but it caused me so much pain and grief to read. I grew up with 4 siblings and love them all dearly. I’m a parent of an only, someone who feels lucky to have just one, but because our home life is so different from what I grew up with I struggle to imagine what happiness will look like for our family of 3. Hearing about small families finding joy with one another is a real balm to my heart.
Don’t worry Courtney, that article was pretty ridiculous. May be true for some but when I showed it to my husband, number 6 of 9 kids, he laugh snorted and commented “hmm, they didn’t ask the older kids what they thought about being default babysitters, did they?”
omg Courtney that NYT piece gutted me. It came at the worst time, too. My only child (10 years old) usually expresses gratitude for being an only, but we’d just come home from a long trip where she got to run around with her cousins for a week straight. She was feeling tired and sad the trip was over, and sobbed at bedtime how much she missed being with her cousins, and now she has to just be at home with her mom and dad and “no one to talk to”! It CRUSHED me. Then, the next morning, that stupid NYT piece (title “Life Is Better with Siblings”) was right there on the home page.
I think people have to remember that that was an Opinion piece. It’s what one person thinks, and everyone is free to agree or disagree partially or wholly. I’d say “in general” life is nicer with siblings, but there are plenty of nuances and exceptions. It’s kind of like the whole breastmilk vs formula debate…in the end, we’ll be just fine.
As someone who is the 4th child out of 5, this was really interesting to read. I appreciate my siblings, but I think sibling relationships are often romanticized. If a person has a healthy, happy relationship with their siblings, they should consider themselves blessed as I do not think it is a given. I’ve become friends with my sisters as an adult but we didn’t have a dreamy childhood of trying make up on together, etc. And my relationship with my eldest brothers remains fraught. I have spent so much time in therapy working through the complexities of my relationships with them… My husband had one older sibling and they had a challenging dynamic due to mental health/addiction challenges his brother faced so they did not have a dreamy sibling relationship either. My husband and I have 2 boys and I hope and pray they have a healthy relationship with one another. We will do everything we can to foster that relationship but I recognize that some of it is out of our hands as parents. I did not feel any sort of “internal pressure” to give our oldest son a sibling, though, as a sibling is not a guaranteed path to a happier, easier life IMO… I wish there was less pressure around family size in general, though.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. My daughter is 6 and an only child. I’d wanted her to get to share a room, have someone to play with, work out daily conflict, and have the lifelong companionship that I get to have with my sisters but I’ve struggled with infertility ever since. I’m still rethinking what our family looks like but it’s helpful to hear someone look back on what some of the strengths are.
After a childhood with a younger brother who became an addict at 13, I was pretty set on having an only child. That was 30 years ago. Things are not easy in our relationship. We don’t talk much. There is just too much there. Addiction is a lifelong battle and it ruined everything between us. I was hoping adulthood, perspective, and time would be water under the bridge. But the water has washed the bridge away and we stand on opposite shores and appreciate it for the white capped frothy cold history between us that can’t be erased. When my dad passed, my entire view of siblinghood changed. My aunt is the key to his childhood, the keeper of secrets, the one I can go to when I need a dose of my dad. She’s 89 and continues to tell me new stories about him as a kid. Like the time he came to her rescue when she broke her arm falling off of a swing set in a way that only a rule breaking, adventurous little brother could do. I ended up having 2 girls and I hope they have the type of womanhood bonding that you write about. But most of all, I hope that they know each other the way my aunt knew my dad. The way I do not know my brother. The way that keeps our family alive long after we’re gone.
This is so beautiful.
This is so beautiful, thank you for sharing.