What Childhood Lessons Can You Never Give Up?

As someone who has read CupofJo for what feels like forever now (started reading probably before Toby was born, learnt most of my early motherhood and continue to learn parenting lessons from here) – I find immense satisfaction in predicting what posts will get a high number of comments. It’s such a fuzzy feeling to open the post and find myself right most of the times. Then I get myself something nice to drink and settle in to savor the post and the lovely community comments. A BIG thank you for this wonderful space you have created form everyone!

As a Ghanaian young woman, my mom taught me these three things growing up that have shaped who I am today. Always say thank you, please, and sorry. First, appreciate what people genuinely do for you. Second, respect your elders and never forget to say please. Third, always take responsibility for your actions and apologize when you hurt others. The bonus one is, if someone gifts you something, always call the person the next morning to thank them even if you did immediately you received the item. It shows that you’re grateful and more will be welcomed. I’ve made it a point to teach all my children these life principles, starting with my son.

My dad always makes a little cross on his heart when going by a graveyard or a church, and now I do it too and always think of him.

My step-father was a curmudgeon, when I was 7, I had no idea what my mother was thinking, he was a bear. There were many rules, but the one that sticks with me to this day (they are both since passed) is that when mom was putting the meal on the table, we sat at the table and did not move a muscle until she sat down. Then once she was seated, she started to fill her plate first. She was always the first one to take from each item then pass to one of us. Of course as a child, I did not understand how amazingly lovely and respectful this was toward my mom. It stays with me as a honorable memory of him. It makes me a bit cringy when I am making a meal, putting it on the table and my husband is already 5 forkfuls in before I even sit down.

Oh yes, zipper merge! I live in NM, where drivers tend to move over as soon as they see the “lane closed ahead sign,” leaving hundreds of feet of empty road on that side and a traffic jam on the other. The NM highway department has been posting signs urging people to zipper merge, and it’s gradually catching on, but there are still yahoos who will block you if you try it.

No elbows on the table, chew with your lips shut, don’t make annoying mouth noises when you chew, ask “May I be excused?” when you’re finished with your meal, and always push your chair in. I wonder though how much of our table manner rules came simply out of my mom’s own irritations… as a wife and a mother now, I’m always irritated when my husband or kids have food on their faces or chew with their lips open. Does this come from my upbringing, or as a highly sensitive person, an I just wired this way?? I will add though, if my husband could learn to chew with his lips shut (most of the time), then ANYONE can. Haha.

It is not a couch -it is a sofa. One does not pull the curtains-one draws the curtains. If there is one remaining cookie or piece of candy or anything you do not take it, but offer it to everyone else first. My husband always just nabs the last of whatever is going, and it makes me crazy!

Always open the drivers side door from the inside if the driver helps you into the passenger’s side first (date etiquette but I do this now with my family/kids too). Don’t start eating at a restaurant until everyone at your table has received their food, don’t put elbows on the table, if someone calls and asks if you’re available/home answer “speaking” or “this is she” (still trying to break myself of this with telemarketers), if trying to merge in traffic and someone lets you in always wave as a thank you afterward…so many unwritten rules. I think I could list 30 more that are ingrained from my childhood but I’ll stop with these few!

Make your bed as soon as you wake up. Always say goodbye when you leave the house. Turn off the light when you leave a room. Don’t say “Shut up!”

Alway write thank-you notes. Remember people’s birthdays. Don’t leave half-finished coke cans around the house.

I cannot leave a bathroom without replacing the empty toilet paper roll. My mom always walked up to veterans (you could tell by the hat) and said “thank you for your service.” She never taught me to do that, but I caught it. She used to say that most of those men (because they were all old men) served because they didn’t have a choice, that deserved a thank you. The first time my oldest son walked up to a very old Vet, shook his hand, and said “thank you for your service, sir” I about lost it.

Use people’s names, especially in the service industry. Often they are wearing name tags so it’s easy to add “Have a nice day, Brenda!” or “Thank you, Tom!”. I think this was a holdover from my parents’ time as Dale Carnegie instructors (he wrote the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”) and you better believe we learned about conversation stacks and tricks for remembering people’s names. I’m grateful for their example!

1. Turn off the lights if you’re not in a room. 2. Pan handles should never be sticking out over the side of a range, and never set flammable items on a stovetop even if the burners are off (it’s not a countertop!).

2 things which came from lots of time spent with my grandmothers: 1. Never say “do you need a drink/snack/anyrhing” when offering guests – always say “would you like a…”. It’s not about whether someone needs something, it’s whether they would enjoy it. 2. My other grandmother would never criticise something, the worst she would say is “it wasn’t very special” or “I’m sure there are people who would like that sort of thing”. That’s when you know she HATES something, and I find myself doing the same thing.

“Don’t chew like a cow!” My mom was pretty intense about this one. We weren’t allowed chewing gum for a long time, and then when we were, it was only okay if she couldn’t tell it was there. Sometimes my husband chews with his mouth open and I’m utterly horrified.

Keep your elbows off the table Don’t talk with your mouth full Don’t eat with your mouth open Always say excuse me when walking in front, an adult Very strict about table manners, my parents never missed a misstep.

At a round table, always eat from the left and drink from the right! I went to a fancy gala recently and the person to the right accused me of trying to drink out her glass, haha. Of course, it’s also bad manners to lecture someone about etiquette at the table, so I tried to say breezily, “Actually, you always drink from the right at a round table!”

My parents were strict in a number of ways but especially when it came to respect. Never call for them from a different room, never refer to them using a third-person pronoun, and always refer to other people’s parents as “Mrs.”, “Ms.”, “Mr.”, etc. Cut to me meeting my now-husband’s physician parents and completely short-circuiting. Two doctors, one last name, and absolutely no way to tell them apart. I couldn’t bring myself to use their first names, so I spent years relying on really good eye contact.

Don’t talk when you’re at the movies! It’s not your living room and people paid money to experience the movie at its best, not to listen to you and your friends. (You can always make big eyes with your friends or squeeze their arms if you need to share a moment.) : )

Anybody do very silly things because of an arbitrary rule your parents introduced? We moved from a sandy dessert to a more rural place when I was around 10. My mom was always amazed at the miles and miles of corn fields near the main roads. She commented on it all the time – so much so that her three preteen kids started ignoring her. So my dad instituted a rule: You MUST agree with mom when she comments on the corn. Whenever my mom would comment on the corn fields, he would cue us like an orchestra conductor as we intoned: “That’s a lot of corn, Mom!” For all the rebellion and big feelings we had over our teen years, we never really tried to balk this rule – even if we complied by groaning the words. So now, twenty years later, as I drive around the same roads as an adult, my husband, who was not present for any of this but folded into it because of my own silliness, glance at each other as we see the cornfields and exclaim to each other “That’s a lot of corn!”

So many that I have internalized and probably don’t even realize! A few I can remember.. -adults don’t eat fast food. -parents don’t fart in front of their kids. A cloud of dad’s pipe smoke over their heads is fine though. -throwing away food is beyond. I want to cry when I see food fights in movies, it is so incredibly disrespectful. If I don’t want it, I try and give it away, and if I can’t, I leave it til it’s moldy, then throw away. Eek haha.

On road trips I must call out any cows or horses I see – “Cow!” “Horse!” No clearing dishes or leaving the table until everyone is finished eating. Shower right after getting out of the pool. Send physical thank you notes for any gifts.

“Don’t leave the grocery cart randomly in the parking lot, return it back to the grocery cart corral” was my Mother’s mantra. To this day, I walk my cart back no matter what the weather, no matter what my time crunch.

We always had to place our napkins on our laps at meals and my sister and I even did it in the school cafeteria. I assume most of us Gen X Americans were taught this but maybe not? Also, my mom lives with me and still reminds us all to “bring a sweater” everywhere we go in case we get cold. I still follow these rules. 😊

We were trained to answer the phone, “XYZ residence, ABC speaking.” No elbows on the table. Make your bed. Always yes please and no thank you. And I always write handwritten thank you notes. I cannot abandon this, no matter how hard I try.

Make your bed. Sort your laundry. Don’t tell ethnic jokes. No farting in church. Born in the 60s, so seatbelts were optional, ashtrays were ubiquitous, and McDonald’s was fancy, and name brand groceries just for holidays.

My parents were immigrants and absorbed a lot of suburban American culture upon arrival. So I became accustomed to waving when driving past neighbors in their cars. And only drink water when eating out. My parents enforced this out of frugality and I don’t 100% follow it, but I always digest better and am more hydrated when I stick to it. I don’t begrudge the rest of the family their drinks though, since my spouse did not grow up like this.

The Northern California “pinched lips” no-teeth half smile when passing strangers anywhere. Sidewalk, hallway, trails, etc. I know it’s not needed but I’ll probably be doing it till the day I die.

I love reading these. I was recently talking about a similar topic of “what things did you believe from childhood well into adulthood” because I still forget whistling is not *actually* illegal, just illegal when my mother is in earshot. Hahaha. I have definitely taken the following rules into adulthood though: – Leaving the porch light on until the last person gets home – Calling on the way home from anywhere to see if anyone needs anything. My parents still do this and I think it’s so sweet. – Always bringing something to a party/gathering (and always having more than enough “real” food at a party/gathering, never just snacks!) – Showing up early/on time for any scheduled event

I always say “Pardon?” absolutely never “What?” or even worse, “Huh?” I’ve been mocked for it pretty ruthlessly my whole life, but it was never an option in my house to say anything else. Raised in the US by a Canadian/British family, so I always assumed it was cultural? Maybe someone else can shine a light on this. But honestly? Now as an adult, hearing “Huh?” is like nails on a chalkboard!

My parents always had my brother and I call when we went to a friend’s house to let them know we arrived safely. My husband and I do this with each other and I still make my friends let me know once they’ve arrived at their destination. Once I asked my friend if he got home okay, and at the time he was housesitting just down the street from my house. He texted me and said “…I walked like 5 minutes away to get here.” And I said “I still need to know you got there safely!!”

Turn off the lights when you leave a room. Say please and thank you. Keep things picked up and put away.

If you tell someone you’re going to do something, you’d better do it. Swearing is when you’re not creative enough to come up with something better. Only bored people are bored.

My dearest Dad (may he rest in peace) always left allllllll of the lights on if I was out with friends growing up. Porch light, front house lights, living room lights, everything. Once I came home, I would turn off all of the lights so that when he woke up to pee or whatever during the night, he could see when I was home. I don’t have kids, but I do this for my husband if he’s out or coming home late from a trip. It makes you feel safe and welcome walking into a brightly lit home even if it’s late, and it’s a little stroke of genius for those of you that have kids – you will know if they’re ever late for their curfew! (I guess this may only apply to those of you well hydrated folks that have to get up to pee in the night which I do, a lot)

Wait until everyone has their food before eating! Nothing strikes fear in my heart like “ your entrees might come out at different times!”

one rule I always remember was my grandma telling me “naps are better without your britches on” (britches being pants) PERIENNIAL ADVICE FR ;)

My children’s preschool teachers have a rule – “We do not Yuck someone else’s Yum!” The negative opinion of another’s food related joy or helpful recommendation is not only unkind, it’s immature. If preschoolers can manage witholding their “ewww”, so can adults.

Do not ever touch any book, newspaper, any piece of paper with writing on it with your feet. Why? Because it is knowledge and you insult the goddess of knowledge if you touch paper with your feet. If you accidentally tread on paper or touch with with your feet, you apologize by quickly dabbing that paper/book with your fingers and then dabbing your forehead and chest… this gesture is hard to explain but universally recognized by all desis.

Door opening, always. Such a simple courtesy. Even now, almost 70…when walking through a shop selling glassware, hands behind my back or in my pockets. My mother was adamant. I physically cannot drop litter. Again, my mother: keep it in your pocket till we get home. I was taught to ask if I could leave the table after a meal. And did the same with my children. It’s all about manners. A little goes a long way.

– The person who arrives or enters a room says ‘good morning’ or ‘hi’ FIRST – Saying ‘May I please have ?’ and ‘Thank you’ always. – We always treat people of service with courtesy and respect! Their jobs make our lives easier and there is absolutely no excuse for being pedantic or rude to them. – Treat children with the same respect and kindness as adults/elderly. Always. – Turn off the lights after leaving a room – Say yes to new experiences and tings; you never know where in life they may take you. – Sending or writing a card (birthday, appreciation, thank you, condolences, graduation, holidays) shows you care. – And lastly, as a child of immigrants, always offer food to people you welcome into your home :)

“Mean jokes are still mean.” Relevant at all stages of life.

My mom taught us to always notice the sky. Appreciate the colors, see the shapes of the clouds, watch a jet flying through, let the sun hit your face. Not only is it a lesson to slow down but it opens up your chest and shoulders and neck. It’s a lovely thing, even when it’s raining.

My grandma, who found herself living in a dusty oil town in west Texas after being raised in midwestern “high society” demanded that we, her grandchildren born into her same unfortunate circumstance would ENUNCIATE. I’m convinced it helped my spelling but did no favors for my social life.

I…have to slightly push back on the door holding thing, as this is one of my bugaboos. I don’t know what the exact right distance is, but I actually think it’s inconsiderate to hold the door open for someone who is not behind you in the immediate vicinity, but is instead a ways back. The reason I say this is because, as a polite human, if I see you waiting to hold the door for me, but I’m not *right* there, I feel the obligation to hurry it up and jog over so you don’t have to wait for me, when really, I want to keep my pace and I’m perfectly okay opening the door myself. HOWever, if you are going through a door and there is someone immediately behind you, yes, of course, hold the door so it doesn’t bonk them in the face. There are always extenuating circumstances of course: If someone has their hands full, for instance, but if someone is just meandering along, or checking their phone and they are in no risk of getting a door to the face, I’m not waiting.

Best childhood lesson from my dad: you can quit anything that doesn’t feel right on a good day, not a bad one and you can’t let your team down. A particularly hard soccer practice where your muscles are sore? Not a quitting day. The day your team won the game? Throw your cleats in the trash at the end of the season if you’re still in a quitting mood. An annoyingly repetitive school musical rehearsal? Not a quitting day. After a standing ovation on the night of the final performance? Exit stage left and you’ll never have to hear curtain up again.

Pee before. Universally. Pee before bed, pee before getting in the car. I am 56 years old and teach yoga and meditation; I still Pee Before every session all day :)

My dad taught all of his kids to “finish strong.” The ending to the hard work put in on just about anything, because as my dad has reminded us over and over, they don’t remember what you did at the beginning, what you do last is what leaves the lasting impact. I’ve applied it in work situations countless times, and I’m now applying it to parenting. I’ve got older children and one who’s still young, and I have reminded myself that she deserves the same good mom to show up for her that her brothers had, even though that mom was a long younger and had a lot more energy! I know I will never finish being a parent, but I do want to make sure I finish raising her to adulthood as strong as I parented the older ones. She may wish that I wasn’t waiting up for her at night like I was her brothers, but if she has a problem with it she can bring it up with grandpa for his good advise all those years ago! :)

My family taught me that you have to pick up people who are visiting from the airport. If someone made the trip out to see you, showing up when they arrive is the greatest way to return kindness. No uber/Lyft, taxis, airport buses. Doesn’t matter time of day. My family is rigid about this. I flew across the country to be with my ex’s family on Christmas Day years ago – no pickup, gotta uber. Turned out that wasn’t the right person for me for many reasons but that felt like a harbinger of what was to come! My now husband was raised the same way I was, and his family lived rurally, so they would be driving a minimum of 90 minutes to pick someone up from the airport. We always pick up and drop off anyone who visits us, and each other when we have to travel for work.

I’ll push back against the “holding the door open and waiting” thing. Unless they are a few steps away, waiting on someone puts the burden on them to speed up so as not to keep YOU waiting. It’s a nice gesture, but certain people don’t want that pressure, and others may not be able to walk quickly due to mobility or other issues.

If it’s dark out and a friend leaves my house, or we part ways after dinner, I tell them they need to let me know they go home safe and sound. These are grown women, some single, some going home to a house full of kids, some going home to a spouse, but they text me nonetheless!

Not etiquette related, but the childhood lesson that has stuck with me most is being a frequent, responsible patron of public libraries. I will never get over how amazing it is that they exist.

Smiling at whoever is walking towards me and saying “how are you” or “nice day” – eleven years in NYC eventually beat it out of me, bc everyone here thought I was crazy. But I grew up in Central CA and hiking a lot & it still feels so weird to not greet everyone.

Midwesterner here – and I ALWAYS say please and thank you. Always. Bus driver – thank you when entering and exiting. Ordering food, rather at a counter or sitting down – please and thank you. I even say thank you every time a server brings something to the table. Someone held a door open? Thank you! Speaking of, I also hold the door for people and I am so miffed then they don’t at least nod in acknowledgment. Or smile. Something? It’s really not hard to be polite. Truly. It makes mundane, daily interactions so much more pleasant.

Never drive the speed limit in the left lane of the highway. That’s the PASSING lane, if you aren’t passing everyone on your right…get the heck out of the left lane. So aggravating!

Can we as a group ingrain this life lesson to our current children, grandchildren, or children in our lives that we love PRETTY PLEASE: It is not okay to use speaker phone in public, it is not okay to FaceTime in public, it is not okay to play the sound on your video game in public, it is not ok to watch your video, TikTok, Reel or otherwise have sound coming out from your phone in public. Please do not let this become normal! It BLOWS MY MIND that people do this with complete and total disregard for the social contract that we are all sharing public space.

1. Make the bed first thing. “Made bed makes the day” a semi, but nonsensical instruction from my 80s dad. 2. When fam or friends visit say “It was a treat to see you!” per my southern Nana who wanted guests to know they sweetened the day. 3. Add Miss/Mr to first names for those senior to you which has now changed to Auntie or Uncle from marrying into an Indian family 4. Please and thank you before and after all spoken words. See also: southern, female, and trying to model appreciation for two small people.

last one out turns out the light. the dishes aren’t done til the counters are clean.

Re holding the door open – reminds me of one of my favorite Ted Lasso snippets where he holds the door open for an awkwardly long time for Rebecca 🥰 what a prince

I skipped a play rehearsal to go trick or treating with a friend on Halloween… without telling my parents. It was perhaps the height of my rebellion. Rather than focusing their lecture on the lie of omission, the delivered a world-class lecture on honoring your commitments to others (an army major and a professor exercising their greatest strengths). I still struggle to reschedule a haircut! But truly, it was a good lesson—I know I’ll give a similar one to my girls one day.

When I have to make a call and I’m not absolutely positive the person who answered is the person I’d like to speak with, I was taught to say, “May I please speak with (name)?”. Although most numbers are personal mobile phone numbers now, I find I am still doing this when calling people.

Wave when a car lets you over. Nobody does this anymore and it makes me crazy!

When riding in the passenger seat you always have to help look to the right when pulling out and say, “It’s okay my way” when it’s clear. My mom ALWAYS did that so when I was growing up I seriously thought it was a rule!

Totally unrelated but I mentioned to my mum yesterday that there was a new Spiderman movie, and she replied “oh yes, I think Zendaya’s husband is in it.” “As in… Spiderman?”. Ha!

If you hear a siren and you’re standing on the corner waiting to cross the street DO NOT MOVE until you have located the siren and the direction it’s heading. If it’s an emergency vehicle that needs at the right of way DO NOT CROSS until it has gone by. If you’re driving, do whatever you need to do to get out of its path. I live in Manhattan and people seem to not understand this, both pedestrians and drivers. They cross the streets where ambulances need to get by, and they don’t pull over or free up the intersection.

I have to turn off the lights whenever I leave an empty room. I can’t not do it.

Wiping down sinks after washing my face or washing hands. And absolutely no toothpaste in the sink. My mother was a stickler for this and apparently it rubbed off onto me. I still even flinch a little bit after washing my hands in a public bathroom with a hand dryer instead of paper towels, with nothing to dry off the sink afterwards lol.

My grandmother always told me, anyone who takes 15 min of their time to do something for you, gets a hand written thank you note. Period. To this day, I’m trying to keep that dying art alive. I had a Great Aunt, Iva, who would chain smoke ciggys while simultaneously giving my cousin + I etiquette lessons. Some seemed obvious being from the South (yes mam/ no mam, Mr. / Mrs ________) while others seemed dated, I still notice. • Never smoke in public (looking back this is funny bc it wasn’t don’t smoke, it was never smoke in public • A lady is never drunk in public (oooopsie!) • A lady never re applies lipstick in front of men or in public • When you meet a man, notice if he puts his hands out to shake yours. You would think it’s polite, but she warned us of this red flag. She said a man should not extend his hand, he should wait for the invitation from the woman to extend her hand to welcome him into her space. I notice this all the time now. • Accessories max out at 13. I still count before heading out the door (unless it’s a themed event, I make an exception). If I need to wiggly in an extra, I could count earrings as one, she would count them as two! We were taught when you drop someone off, always make sure don’t pull away until you see them inside with a light. I have called/ texted friends before to say TURN THE LIGHT ON SO I CAN LEAVE! Strive to leave places cleaner than you found them.. nature, your room, hotel rooms, friends house, etc.. My granddaddy was a man of few words, but he was wise. Some things that have stuck… • You got to live and let live. • You think you know, but you don’t know • Many hands make light work (especially when we complained about helping clean up!) • Don’t borrow worry

Somewhere along the way (not my parents), I learned to say “thank you kindly.” I can give no explanation but I do it all the time now. And I totally agree with Liz, WALK ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE STREET OR STAIRWAY.

No licking of fingers during a meal. Never. Nope, not even for BBQ.

When guests leave my house, I stand in the front yard and wave–even if it’s a neighbor I see regularly dropping something off.