Have a Lovely (Long) Weekend.

this is so amazing, thank you, Sophie!

Sophie – if you see this – Did you have to get a new phone number to start with the Mudita?

Sophie, would love to just know about maps — how do you get directions? That’s the only thing I can’t see on their website. Thanks for sharing!

Was wondering the same!

I’m in Australia and we don’t have the prom thing exactly… but my son flatly refused to attend. He thought the whole event looked like the worst night in the world.

I think historically it’s viewed as a bigger deal for girls in the U.S. – a fun dance, you get to pick out a fancy dress, do your makeup, etc.

I’m so proud of you for taking care of yourself. I’m so excited for you for your future.

In other posts she’s mentioned doing this when the other one has something going on–maybe a weeklong camp or something with dad? Can’t remember exactly but they are both having fun and they both got a 1:1 trip.

Amen!

Perfectly stated. I think we need to call out AI slop and the egregious use of AI in general when we can! Thank you for noting this. I share your annoyance haha.

I now just laugh at the AI slop because it’s SO obvious that it is just that. I am an artist, and I look forward to the day when every thing looks exactly the same (it’s getting there already), and then people realize the value of hiring artists once again.

Yes, what exactly is that row of human-sized crayons lined up on top of the play fort?! I used to teach design history abd used the term “Mac Crap” (stolen from my own teacher) to describe the 90s/2000s penchant for images with too many photoshop filters, ridiculous drop shadows, etc. It seems now we’re in an even more extreme age of it… “Max Crap” might be a better term for the ai schlop. Artists and designers survived the last one and they will survive this one too.

Is the image with the phone, or Kottke? It does seem glaringly….hypocritical? Strange? I don’t even know. Stupid and ugly for sure. I’ve been trying to see the positives and benefits of artificial intelligence, I’ve heard from some folks in the disabled community how they believe it’s helping them. My neighbor used it to plan a garden in a complex spot (that had failed in the past, but my hand says the new plants also won’t work and the AI is just wrong so I dunno). But mostly, it’s just stupid images like this. Everywhere. And I for one hate it.

As a new yorker living on the West Coast (also the mother of a 5.5 year old, middle school teacher) this just tugged on my heart strings so badly. I haven’t visited the city since December, but I can absolutely feel it’s magic from afar. Desus’ quote is chef’s kiss.

Come back! Congratulations on all your wins, enjoy that summer vacation that you rightfully earned! And while I love NYC and will fight to the death to say it’s the best city in the world lol, the West Coast in landscape, nature etc has us beat…it is truly one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen.

Thank you for sharing this!!

Thank you!!!!!!

Thank you!! Just emailed my elected officials.

Thank you!!! 😭

thank you for posting! I work in a center entirely dependent on federal grants and am feeling so much despair about this I’m almost paralyzed. Brilliant to call the COJ community to action!

Thank you for educating us on this issue. I appreciate the effort. I hope we can make our voices heard, and that it will matter.

Thank you! I emailed my elected officials.

She was flat-out astonishing in that show. I still marvel over it.

Sending you all the positive thoughts!!! It took me a while to get pregnant the second time (about 18 months). I kept reminding myself that my body had successfully carried a baby before and that it could do it again. I am believing the same for you! (For what it’s worth from a stranger on the internet:)

Sending a big hug, Marie. I feel very similarly. My husband and I have been trying for 6 years, the last 3 with IVF, and we’ve never seen a positive. It may be a different kind of heartbreak than miscarriage, but I can fully empathize with the pain of struggling to build your family. I don’t know if helps to hear, but you’re not alone. <3

I got pregnant with our first the cycle after I went off birth control, so it was a shock when I had 2 miscarriages afterward. I saw an infertility specialist and with their help, carried and gave birth to our second kid. It was some time, years afterwards, that I finally came to terms with the two miscarriages. You are not alone. Don’t lose hope.

Marie! I’m so sorry. I have also walked the infertility/recurrent miscarriage road. It’s such a unique grief. Saying a prayer for you and your family before bed tonight, I wish I could give you a big hug right now — xoxo!

I’m so sorry. So many of us have been there, and it’s a shitty club to belong to. When I was dealing with infertility, finding hope in other peoples stories was very helpful, so: I experienced 2 years of not getting pregnant and four miscarriages before having two children. The timeline wasn’t what I thought it would be, but the family I ended up with was more than I ever could have hoped for. I hope that your story ends with the family you dreamed of. The odds are in your favor that it will. I hope you have found other women you can talk in person to about miscarriage and infertility- that made all the difference for me when I was in the thick of it.

So many wealthy people have inherited money from parents.

It took us a long time as well. When I finally got pregnant I had spotting and I thought that was it, but it ended up being implantation bleeding and I was pregnant. I’m not saying this is the case for you, but am hopeful – if not this month then next. I can only imagine how difficult this must be and am thinking of you and sending you all the hope for a positive result so soon xoxo

Sending all my positive vibes and thoughts to you, Marie. Take gentle care.

I went through the same thing! Took me 3 months to conceive my first and 14 months for my second. It’s so hard!

Hoping for a successful pregnancy for you soon, Marie!

Hi Marie, I’m sending you love and hope through the internet. I hope you get all you are wishing for, and soon! I’ve walked the loss and secondary infertility road, and it’s a bitch and hard in ways unlike primary infertility. If it was me and it had been a year, I would likely head for some testing, if you haven’t already and are up for it. Sometimes it’s a little issue, like fixing thyroid levels or and HSG test that clears out tubes. Wishing you an easy and loving weekend and path for you.

Sending you a big hug Marie! Take care

You’re not alone. Take loving care of yourself and your body.

Marie, big jobs and good vibes coming your way. Hang in there. I have so much hope for you.

Lena, you aren’t doing anything wrong. I read a newspaper article about money when I was in my early 20s that has stayed with me and helped me find my financial footing. Maybe it will help you. Essentially, the author said that there is a HUGE difference between having a lot of money and spending a lot of money. For example, just because someone buys a $300 dress doesn’t mean they have the money for it. It may just indicate that they have a lot of debt. You can’t really know what somebody’s financial situation is based simply on what they are buying. You are doing wonderfully. (And money is weird.)

P.S. I am planning to take a trip to Europe with my daughter this winter, and I’ve been saving for 5 years to do so.

There are some people who live like this, but my husband is a financial advisor, and he’ll tell you that most people are in debt. Most people can’t afford their lifestyle. Some can but most who seem like they’re living large are actually in debt. So if you are not in debt but are living modestly, you’re ahead of the game. I don’t compare bc I’ve learned over the years that I have no idea how things really are, and most people are hiding a lot of crap. I’ve had friends get divorced who I never thought would, and others whose husbands went to jail for money fraud…all people living these super nice lives on the outside.

Hi Lena, I feel you. I can’t speak for everyone, but for me, a $300 dress would be a splurge. Something for a wedding, maybe, but not every day. My husband and I both work fulltime, making about $140k combined annually. We live in a particularly expensive part of California (central coast), where we rent a 3 bedroom, 1 bath for $3600/month (a steal for this area). We have one kid and hope to have another on the way. I contribute 4% to my 401(k) and pay about $500-600/month to cover my husband and son’s healthcare (my husband’s position offers zero benefits). We are by no means wealthy, but we are comfortable enough to be able to buy things without necessarily having to check the account. I paid off significant student loans in my early 30s, we have one car that’s paid off, we don’t really drive anywhere (lucky to live in a walkable/bikeable city!). My husband has some student loan debt, around $18k. We take one or two “big” vacations a year, and by that, I mean spending a couple thousand total going somewhere. I honestly don’t really know if this helps, but that’s just kind of how we make it work. I’d be curious to hear how other people do it! I wish we talked more openly about money as a society, especially specific numbers, so I hope this helps!

You are not doing anything wrong. Most people I know are not buying $300 dresses and taking their entire family to Europe. Everyone’s situation is different, and we all have to be true to our own circumstances. It is so important to live within our means. I am telling myself “not now, maybe later” on discretionary spending for many items. Living simply. I don’t mind it because being at home is ok for us and there are still plenty of fun things to do that don’t cost a lot.

@Lena, I have no wise words. Just sending love.

Hi Lena – I feel this completely. Our money goes to bills and food. We rarely go out and when we do we’re careful about our spending. New clothes are necessities and likely come from Costco. I think we’re all in different spots…

Please don’t play the comparison game, it’s not worth it. Over half of Americans have credit card debt.

Can’t agree with Water enough. “The Millionaire Next Door” is an outdated book but I had to read it when I used to work in publishing, and the (very similar!) message stuck with me too. The people most likely to have more money are precisely the people who don’t present as having a lot of money. There are exceptions, of course, and who knows, for some folks fashion is their splurge so a $300 dress fits perfectly fine into their sensible budget! My family is a 1-car household (used 2019 Subaru, baby), infrequent dinners out, I don’t spend on beauty/hair/makeup, and our clothes are from Old Navy and Target, and I get a thrill of pride when I check our budgeting tool and see we are at $1.3 million net worth. We got there through tremendous luck, of course, but also by… doing all those things I mentioned above. A $300 dress – again, no judgments to those who partake – is soooooo far outside my comfort level for that kind of thing. You are not alone!

I echo what Water says–my FIL said the same thing long ago, that you never know what someone’s bank account looks like. And also, many of the people you see doing those things genuinely have very high incomes and before the internet you wouldn’t see how much they were spending on clothes or see the photos from their fabulous trips because, assuming you made a more normal amount of money and lived in a more normal neighborhood, you wouldn’t interact with them much. So it’s important to figure out which Joneses you’re realistically benchmarking.

Hi Lena, it’s a very good question. I agree with what Water shared, but the other reality is that there are people who make high incomes where a $300 dress is possible. For example, I know multiple people who make $500k-750k annually — people in tech, lawyers, entrepreneurs, doctors. And others who have tremendous generational wealth. I imagine a large enough group of Cup of Jo readers fall into this category.

Lena, you’re not doing anything wrong. Sure, some people can afford a $300 dress and international holidays. But most of us can’t. Keeping up with the Joneses used to be the people we knew well. Now the Joneses are online and the frame of comparison is wider and more unrealistic. Lots of people are underwater in debt. And lots of people are living frugally. You do you.

As my (thrifty) husband likes to say – you can either look rich or be rich. I have a friend on a European trip right now, not being paid for by family, who was fretting about a $1000 computer their kid needs for college that they can’t afford (and they also lament having no money saved for the kid to attend). For the truly financially comfortable, I sincerely wish they are lifting others up. I’m all for embracing some “treat yo self”, but at the rate of $300 dresses, $50 can be directed to a food pantry.

The vast majority of my friends that own million dollar plus homes and travel to Europe every year had significant financial help from their parents – as in paying for their advanced degrees or buying them homes in their 20s. I’m an elder millennial, married with 2 kids and combined income last year was $240k. Not having family money is the single biggest thing that I see that has set us back from our peers who are more financially successful.

Hey, Lena! Just another gal chiming in to say you are not doing anything wrong, & statistically I don’t think you’re in the minority, either, even though the internet often makes us feel that way, doesn’t it? Truthfully, I probably could afford a $300 dress once every few years or so if I wanted to (my husband & I don’t have kids), but the fact is I’d be aghast at myself if I dropped that on a single dress haha. I just have other priorities… I didn’t even spend that much on my wedding dress! So yes, I feel bummed sometimes in the moment, but then I remind myself “wait, you wouldn’t buy this even if you could so why are you stressing over this” (I realize your comment wasn’t just about the dress, but…) There are SO MANY nice dresses for WELL under that amount, thank goodness :) I get bummed out too when I think about how difficult it is for some of us & how easy it seems for others. So then I make myself compare the other way — I may not have a $300 dress, but I DO have plenty (too many?) of other perfectly cute dresses that I bought new. I don’t have a huge house but I have *A* house. My car may be a 12 year old Civic but I have *A* car that works perfectly fine & that I DO (for some reason) secretly love…etc. The truth is, a lot of us do have a lot compared to other women from throughout history, even thought it may not feel like it when we compare ourselves to what we see online. This is not to belittle your feelings at all but just to share a little trick that has helped me when I start to spiral into the comparison trap. And no, my husband & I don’t travel overseas every year, & I don’t know many people in our circles who do. Hang in there. It’s certainly tough out there for most of us & I’m sure you’re doing great.

We aren’t doing anything wrong, the system is working as intended (which doesn’t make it easier, but hope it helps to remind yourself That you’re doing everything you can but the game is rigged.)

Now in our late 50s and finally traveling internationally. I call it our “pre-retirement” traveling (we take our adult kids with us because I know we will not spend on international travel when retired). We spent virtually no money when younger, laughed at the amount the bank “pre-approved” for our mortgage (spent 1/3 of “their” amount), saved aggressively in 401ks and 529s, never had credit card debt, tried to pay cash for cars (took a while to get there) that we drive forever and paid our mortgage off early. It took decades of planning and careful spending to get here and that was WITH a combined income putting us in the top tier of US earners. We have never felt “rich” and laugh when our net worth puts us in the top tier of US families. I have no idea how people who earn less or an average amount do it, it would be impossible.

I recently found out that friends of ours who spend very lavishly, go out to eat and on vacation a lot, have a huge nicer rental…. earn less than my partner and I do. It’s eye opening! On the flip side, we never had much money growing up but my mom would always make sure we could afford to go visit family in europe regularly (cheaper since we mainly stayed with them, of course). I’ve learned it’s a lot about what people prioritize, intentionally or not, for example I had friends growing up in similar financial situations who were weirded out that my family NEVER ate out, didn’t have a ton of clothes, didn’t go to theme parks, library was our bookstore, etc. Fwiw listening to Ramit Sethi’s money for couples podcast is also very enlightening!

Lena, some great thoughts in this thread,I’m sorry this post hit a nerve. And also, interesting content about *not* buying things is hard to find, unless it’s specifically about personal finance. Even if I had the skill and desire to produce lifestyle content, would anyone want to hear about my favorite Target shorts that I’ve worn hundreds of times and can’t even link to anymore?

Most people do not do these things. I never did and I do not care. It’s simple pleasures for me all the way. The sacred is in the ordinary.

You’re doing nothing wrong. There is what you “can” spend, and what you should. It’s a matter of principle, too. Sure, I have $300, but can’t think of a scenario in which I’d ever spend that much on a dress. When my kids were little, I bought almost all used clothes for them. They’re mostly all teenagers now, and it’s Target, JC Penney and Kohls with my 30% off coupon! We spend money on camps, sports, music lessons. Our vacations involve pushing my 15 yr old car with close to 200,000 miles on it to its limit! The commenters who have already mentioned that many Americans are in debt are right. Lots of people driving expensive cars and taking overseas vacations have financial problems you’ll never know about.

I am single and don’t have kids and really cannot even imagine that – life is expensive enough for just me these days! You aren’t doing anything wrong – it’s best to live within your means. I love this blog (obviously) but am usually shocked when I see the prices of a lot of the clothing items linked and don’t know anyone in my circle who randomly buygs $300 dollar dresses.

Most people who appear well off are just living above their means.

Lena, in times gone by you would have stayed in your circle of people who have similar means to you. The advent of the internet pulled back the curtains (or cut down the row hedges maybe) on the wealthy and uber wealthy and we can see the minute details of their privilege for the time. You are not doing anything wrong, you are simply more exposed to the realities of inequity. Inequity that has always existed. Your choices are to flog yourself harder to keep up, or to close the curtains (and vote and protest).

Oh my goodness! Thank you each SO much for these brilliant, affirming, thoughtful, caring answers. I am so grateful to each of you for sharing your thoughts and for some bits of your own stories. And yes hearing others’ numbers and how they make it all work helps too! Thank you thank you. What a community this is, what a community the team here has cultivated and built, along with all of you. It’s incredibly moving and I appreciate you all so much.

Oh gosh I really feel you. I have spent my entire career working with folks on their money issues, (started out a credit counselor at a nonprofit, now I’m in wealth management, I have quite literally seen it all) my takeaways are as follows: many people just make a lot more money than you realize. Dual income families, corporate jobs, jobs with an RSU component, I am continually shocked with how much people earn. Now my money advice to young people is *much* more focused on increasing earnings than finding the best high yield savings account. Your biggest asset is your earning potential. Other takeaway has been covered but people’s net worth, and how they present themselves aren’t always as correlated as you feel like they should be. Some people finance nice cars, vacations, all of it. It’s all on credit. And then I talk to multi-millionaires who don’t feel like they can afford a new Honda. People are all. over. the. place. with what they think is “affordable”. We’re all running our own race. I’d encourage you to find one thing in your finances you can improve and try not to compare yourself to others, to the extent that’s possible!

Coming here to echo everyone about you’re not doing anything wrong! Plus (this is the hill I will die on): all the ladies, please read “Financial Feminist” by Tori Dunlap! On that note: COJ-team: please interview Tori Dunlap! (All the exclamation marks!)

Notta! Echoing so many of these replies! Most people are right there with you- living pay check to pay check, or living heavily in debt! As much as we love COJ, I think it’s very important to take in to consideration that the lifestyle and budget that’s often reflected here is very skewed from the average reader! We all don’t live in million dollar brownstones and frequently travel. It’s also key to note that most content creators are relying heavily, if not totally, on consumerism, and linking products to promote an image accordingly! You’re not a failure, you’re just being bombarded by people set on selling a lifestyle image that few can truly afford. It sounds like there would be great benefit for so many people’s mental health in seeking out “slower” living philosophies. It’s far easier to align with a life of fulfillment with what you already have versus a system of constant want, envy, and overconsumption.

Even though this is a long thread, I’ll add to check out some blogs where the community is more aligned with where your finances are. I enjoy this community but also read TheFrugalGirl.com and TheNonConsumerAdvocate.com where saving saving saving and also spending of what is truly important to you is celebrated. Could I afford a $100 T-shirt? Prob but I’d be wildly too embarrassed to let anyone know I spent that much on it. But that would also impact out food budget and on and on. So maybe not if I think about it. $300 for a summer dress was more than I paid for the dress I got married in, so that would never be on my radar. But I don’t have FOMO. We were savers despite never earning anything near six figures. Our time is now our own and while the whole health insurance situation is scary, we have peace through not desiring more. A quiet morning, a great library book, walks by free gardens that others create, puttering at nearby estate sales for a $1 treasure … so many of the joys in life are low cost. We hear you, Lena, and you probably have a much bigger community with similar circumstances that you could know!

Hi, I understand where you’re coming from. I am that millionaire next door who survived bankruptcy in the 90s. I learned frugality the hard way. But now: I have no debt and I’m that millionaire next door, for real. My friends laugh because my car is 19 years old, I shop at thrift stores even though I can easily afford that $300 dress (but don’t see the point of spending so much), and took my last vacation to another state 3 years ago. It is a challenge to survive financially. It can be done, though it is harder now. Hang in there!

I read this as mostly aspirtional (read: fantasy) content and you’re not alone. $300 is my average weekly paycheck, and grocery shopping is demoralizing. Fortunately the people I see daily in my life are in the same situation, so there’s no pain of comparison when we talk about prices and water shortages.

Chiming in to say that you’re probably not doing anything wrong, wrong is a bad word. A concept that has redefined my relationship with finances is discerning what I value most and then aligning purchases with those values. I’m a single mom and there isn’t much extra money after necessities (which I value!!) and I’m investing small amounts in retirement (as I can) and in my mental health. I don’t buy $300 dresses. Everyone is different. But I’m coming out of a divorce from someone who didn’t manage money, didn’t care, and kept us poor so he didn’t have to work full time (I didn’t know for a long time). There was a lot of debt. Guiding my kids by example to align purchases with personal values is huge.

One of the most overlooked style principles is cost per wear. The most economical piece in a wardrobe is often the one that proves its value again and again and holds up to the demands of life. Not necessarily the one with the lowest price tag.

I also would like to add, that I’ve noticed lately most online style content tends to be about rather expensive (in my opinion a $300 dress is expensive) clothing and the people who wear it may not disclose it explicitly, but they received the item complimentary for promotional purposes and in fact get compensation for those who also purchase or by driving traffic to that site. I think there has been a mega shift in the price of clothing that shows up in online media over the past few years (at least in the media I consume). I do feel like the increase in price of clothes has outpaced the increase in my income to the point where online content feels incredibly disconnected from real life experience and its almost impossible for me to feel like I can participate in trends…I could go on and on about decrease in quality of clothes (even for those brands that claim they are quality and sustainable) and the quick turnaround of styles and what looks cool online vs what actually looks cool in person…but thanks for letting me share my thought :)

Life is often sending me messages that I should want more just as the current financial situation is making my family need to spend less. I’m so glad to not feel alone – this comment thread came just when I needed it. We bought our house 15 or so years ago and our neighborhood has been gentrifying ever since. I often wonder how my neighbors are affording their new kitchen remodels, house cleaners, etc. And perhaps, at times, I feel jealous of their salaries as 2 doctors, 2 lawyers, etc. But I think: 1. I will never have limitless money. Within what we have, what does our family prioritize? Its different for everyone. For us, its my daughter’s education/activities and saving for retirement. 2. Even if I could afford everything, should I buy them? With climate change and my daughter’s future, should I be flying regularly to other countries? With the terrible impacts of fast fashion, should I buy new clothes? When so many people in the world have so little, do I *need* to remodel to have a bigger bathroom? Buying second hand clothes and camping at a state park can be good for my wallet and the planet. 3. The system is rigged and there is terrible inequity. How do we change that? How can we give back? How will future generations remember us? For me, it feels like a moral question worth wrestling with. I do, every day. Cause sometimes I still want that new thing ;)

The only reason I have fun money on my salary (under $70,000) is because I don’t have children, I teach extra classes in the summer for additional pay, and my parents gave me money from my departed grandparents’ estate that I used to pay off my student loan debt and put a large down payment on a new car I plan to drive into the ground. My parents were mostly scrimpers and savers so I did not grow up wealthy, but it’s still family money and parental generosity. Everyone’s circumstances are so different, and a lot of it is luck. Also, the cost of living is wild now. When I think about my childhood and that it was possible for a family of five to live (albeit frugally) only on my dad’s HVAC technician income, it blows my mind.

I would love to buy a $300 dress and stroll through Brooklyn with an outrageously expensive coffee. But my bet is some of those women wish they could sit under an oak tree listening to bumblebees and hummingbirds while snuggling a fuzzy kitten and watching a spider weave her web, which is what I was just doing. Truly: comparison is the thief of joy!

First, US household incomes vary widely and median US household income is around $88K: Lower-Income: Less than $56,000 to $60,000 Middle-Income: $60,000 to $180,000 (with the official middle-class “band” commonly calculated between $83,730 and $125,595) Upper-Middle-Class: $125,595 to $167,459 Upper-Income: $167,460 and above Second, this site also reflects a certain income bracket: 1. I would say that the COJ readers skew more urban, educated and professional class and so are in a higher income band than the median household. 2. Joanna makes a lot of money herself and her neighborhood average income is $242K, so even if she were just friends with her neighbors, that is 3X the average US income. 3. The blog makes money in advertising to richer women, so that also drives content. You’re not wrong to see that much of this is outside the average US income reach, but you need to see that this is not a site that directly caters to that income bracket.

I actually bought a $375 Lenin dress a few years ago while visiting Charleston, SC. That was the largest amount I paid for a dress ever, it was more expensive than my wedding saree. It was not an impulse buy, I desperately needed a good dress to wear as I had been wearing the same old clothes for over a decade. So this was a treat. However,I love my Lenin dress and have worn it many times. I look at the dress hanging in my closet and take it as a warning for future purchases. I do not go on any vacations out of the country or do anything extravagant at all. I keep thinking about that store in Charleston, SC and the clothes they sell in that city. They are all cotton or Lenin from India and sold in the US for a 1000 percent higher.

Hey Lena, you are not doing anything wrong. I wouldn’t be dropping $300 on dress even though I could well afford it. I am on a high income bracket. We didn’t have any family financial help, but have been working for 20 years and had the benefit of the market doing well in the last 10 years. We have saved up enough to walk away from jobs but don’t look Rich on the outside and still continue to look for deals/ promo codes etc. On the contrary have friends, who buy outfits for every bday/ anniversary, throw lavish parties and are probably one paycheck away from even defaulting on mortgage. You do you and be confident and comfortable in your choices

Hi Lena, many people have generational wealth. In my community (mountain ski resort wealthy play ground area) MOST people here with money, it’s generational. Many don’t actually work at all, but some do – and their “small” businesses are just tax right offs for the parents or grandparents or *fund*. It’s quite literally play money. I’ve never spent $300 on an item of clothing in my life. And I would not. It’s just….frivolous to me and not my personality. I also don’t have any kind of money for that. Our only family vacations when my children were young were driving trips and involved camping. And they were such amazing and wonderful times that I wouldn’t trade for anything. I’ve been to Costa Rica, but not for 3 years now. We just don’t have the money, even for 2 people to go. And those were relatively inexpensive trips compared to what others do. We would very much like to go with our daughter’s family and baby grandson, and that will be a very big deal if we can. No way we could ever ever afford Europe. All of our money right now goes to paying off medical bills and just gas and groceries. We had to accept money from our family and friends and community, just to be able to keep our home and pay bills, when my husband was injured and out of work earlier this year. Most Americans have no real safety net (it’s not anywhere big or deep enough when real shit happens to you). I have no retirement at all. I’ve spent my life in helping professions that offer no benefits at all. And that is the reality in America. We’ve never ever had enough money to set aside extra for me. We have no generational wealth at all. We hope to at least be able to leave our house to our children, but given the realities of elder care…… well, that’s certainly not a given. So, no, I don’t think you are doing it wrong. You just weren’t born into wealth.

CLEARLY we need more posts about money :) This has been the most thoughtful thread to read and I loved reading everyone’s perspective. Especially Mary, who was so bold in sharing exact numbers. To mirror her bravery and candor, I’m sharing mine, in hopes this helps someone else to feel better about their situation: I’m the sole breadwinner in our house and income varies a bit depending on my bonus, but usually ends up being right around $200K annually. We have three kids, live in a modest home in the midwest (read: low cost of living) which we purchased by pulling money from our 401(K)’s to achieve the 10% down payment years ago. We have two paid off cars, one FAR older than the other, and will run them both to the ground. We eat out for special occasions and do ice cream runs more than we should, but cook at home the vast majority of the time. I grocery shop at Aldi, save/invest maybe 10%, do road trips for vacations (my kids have never flown and the oldest is 10), shop secondhand or Costco for nearly all our clothes, and say “no” to a lot of things like select team soccer. I would about die if I spent $300 on a dress. FWIW I have thrifted many expensive items, and they nearly always let me down. I have stitches coming out of a jacket that would be $160 off the website (thrifted for $20!) and I can’t stomach the fact that someone would pay that much for something that needs mending. Fast fashion is hiding the costs, but this makes me wonder if some “slow” fashion is truly just very high price tags to make us think we’re getting something much better than we actually are.

Girl, they aren’t. Most people are in the same boat you are. Some, like me, don’t have kids or anyone else to spend on but themselves! I could technically afford a $300 dress, but refuse to do that. You can always hunt for more expensive brands you like on Poshmark if something catches your eye. Don’t let the internet fool you into thinking that everyone else is spending money on expensive clothes left and right. Jo might choose to, but she has had a very successful blog for many years and ads generate tons of income. Turn your eyes away from social media! Lol In terms of saving, if you haven’t already, set up a high yield savings account at the very least. Talk to a fee-based financial planner to help you set up IRAs or maximize your 401K if you have one. All these little steps add up in the end. And make a monthly spreadsheet with every little expense you can think of tracked, so you know what you are spending.

Hi Lena and all the other amazing commenters on this thread! I think about this…. a LOT. My career is in nonprofit, and my husband is a teacher – so we are always existing on a tight budget. Clothes purchases are few and far between (and often thrifted). We have yet to fly anywhere as a family, let alone to Europe. There are a few things that I try to do or keep in mind to stay sane: – Everything we need is here if we give up thinking we need everything. – Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without. – We are rich in support, with grandparents and lots of other family nearby. – We are rich in time. My teacher husband is home all summer with our kids. I may not have a high salary, but I’m fully remote with extreme flexibility from my organization. I come downstairs at 4:00pm every day to immediately be with my kids. – We are rich in the things we love the most: being in nature with access to amazing parks, conserved spaces, and our own garden; borrowing ALL the books from our library; listening to/making music as a family and attending low-cost local performances; doing lots of our own cooking and baking. – We are showing our kids what it means to work hard, to take money seriously, to not spend beyond our means, to still try and donate some food each week to the food pantry bin at the library. – We are showing our kids what it means to have careers dedicated to service and contributing positively to our communities – and not focused on paycheck. – I’m proud of the small amounts of money that we are contributing to retirement funds and college education funds for the kids, even though no one sees that effort. – I unfollow content creators if I feel like all I’m getting out of it is the urge to spend money. I hope some of that helps! I have struggled with this quite a bit in the past, and still do here and there, but it helps to remember that wealth can mean many different things. Lastly in the words of Irving Berlin – Got no diamonds, got no pearls, still I think I’m a lucky girl: I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night.

I did this! I didn’t think coming up with one outfit would send me to sleep so I did an imaginary pack list. It worked! I was sleeping in no time.

Haha maybe I will try this! I dont care much about “outfits” but I love packing

I’ve had bad sleep for a few years now. Is it peri-menopause? Leaving my abusive husband? Getting divorced? Work stresses? All of the above? But the past month or so I’ve been trying cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia (CBT-I). I’m definitely seeing some improvement. The main one being that the later bedtimes have helped me sleep undisrupted for 6-7 hours most nights which has been HUGE. I just followed a plan in a book I downloaded on kindle… cheap sleep therapy! :)

Trying the outfit trick made me laugh. It only took me approximately 20 seconds to plan my outfit, so I definitely wasn’t asleep by the time I was done. What am I missing? I wonder if others have more fun accessorizing than I do? I just pick out earrings.

I love this take, and I agree!!

So beautifully observed and said! Yes!

umm hard no to all of that. is camping an option?