How Do You Spend Alone Time?
The other day, I found myself in a highly unusual predicament: It was 12 p.m. on a Friday, and I was staring down the barrel of an hour of free time.
On Fridays, I’m with my kids (my work week is Monday through Thursday). So, I’d usually be balancing eight-month-old Evelynn on my hip with my left arm, while using my right arm to race cars down the faded red slide of our play set with two-year-old Emiliano, waiting until 1 p.m. to load them into the car to go pick up five-year-old Ella from school. But on that specific day, both babies had taken an early nap. Hence, this rare, unscheduled hour of time to myself.
For a second, I freaked out. Should I get ahead of my chores, so I have free time later to hang with the kids? Or maybe try to squeeze in a workout? Should I try to nap, too? Or, wait — should I finally start reading Strangers?
Then I took a deep breath and paused to assess the facts:
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I had one hour before I had to get the babies up and ready to leave.
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I did not want to do anything with a screen.
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I did want to be outside, preferably moving.
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Whatever I did had to be easily interruptible, in case Evelynn or Emiliano woke up early.
This ruled out a quick workout in the yard. Over the years, I’ve learned that being interrupted mid-squat makes me cranky. Trying a new baking recipe was also not in the cards. (At this stage of life, nothing feels more daunting than a sink full of dirty dishes.) Instead, I wandered into our backyard and picked up a pair of garden shears.
For the next 30 minutes, I fell into a soothing trance, snipping white roses off the bush and gliding the stems into a vase. By the time I heard Evelynn’s soft cry through the baby monitor, I had a lush arrangement of blooms. Throughout the afternoon, as I played make-believe and refilled water bottles, I’d glance over at the vase on the table. Seeing those cloud-like roses felt like a deep breath.
Now whenever I stumble upon moments of alone time, I head into the garden and hunt for blooming flowers. Sometimes it’s just a peek around the shed, where I’ll pick a few wild poppies growing in the gravel. Other days, I have time to step up on the stool to snip purple branches from our jacaranda tree. But anytime I choose to spend a few minutes by myself — touching leaves, measuring stem lengths, and playing with color combos — I end up feeling invigorated and grounded.
So, I’m curious to hear, how do you like to spend your alone time? Do you have stretches to fill with on-going projects? Or micro-moments, where (like me) you choose activities you can pick up and drop at a moment’s notice? I’d love to know.
P.S. A funny memoir you can easily dip in and out of, and eight readers share their hobbies.
Comments
151 commentsI have a toddler and had a similar chunk of alone time the other day and found myself in the garden, as well! Instead of picking flowers, I got really in the zone of picking the dead ones off and it was very satisfying. I’ll have to pick the blooms for a vase next time!
Can we get a tour of Janelle’s garden please?!
What don’t I do alone would be more of a shorter response. As an introvert, I need and crave alone time most of my free time. When I itch for a social connection, I’ll schedule hangout with friends and family but for the most part, I have more of an itch for solo recharge time. I travel alone and truly appreciate having to accommodate no one’s desires but mine. In my usual life, I enjoy going to movie theatres, try new restaurants (the long line usually doesn’t exist for solo diner at the bar!), browse bookstores, lay out at the beach contemplating, attend literary events, and yoga classes! The world is full of opportunities and wonder when one enjoys alone time. It feels like I’ve unlocked the secret to finding source of inspiration and creativity when I’m in solitude.
I’ve been having a bit of the opposite issue lately – as a single childless gal in my 40s, my wonderful, dear friends are either thousands of miles away (I’m in NYC) or are super busy with their kids and have moved just outside the city – so not close enough for shorter, more impromptu hangs. And making brand new friends now seems so tough for those same reasons, really! I have lots of hobbies I enjoy – lots of types of crafting, reading, etc. – so plenty to occupy my time (hours that are less precious for not being stolen in snippets, I think!), but that doesn’t mean it’s not a little lonely. (Open to ideas how to change this…easier said than done!) I appreciate this perspective which at least helps me appreciate my post-work free time – will try to reframe it!
Same! I’m struggling with this too.
I always recommend finding a few local haunts to become a regular- coffee shops, bookstores, trivia nights at a pub!
Hi Lauren, I’m childfree and 50. I can share with you what has worked for me… I started learning sports. I do not consider myself sporty, coordinated or a quick learner. I do however have time and patience. I can commit to being consistent because I have free time. I started learning how to play tennis first which then grew into a nice friend group. Recently I started learning jiu-jitsu which has introduced me to a wonderful group of people. I do these activities after work during the work week and on the weekends. I get out of the house, learn something new and connect with people. Here is hoping that you find something that brings you happiness.
I make a very elaborate snack plate and nibble on it while reading a book. Also recently took a simple beaded jewelry making class and have become a necklace/bracelet/anklet making machine. I try to always have a craft project going. Next one is hand sewing patches onto denim jackets for my kids.
Mothering four under eight (I’m lucky to be home with them) and I have learned (am always learning) so much about living deeply from these divine creatures. When I have a stretch of dedicated time to myself (say, a coffeehouse hour or two on a Saturday morning), I write in my journal or edit photographs. But the joys I have loved all of my life are available to me in small, rich ways all~the~day, babies all around me. I read a single poem while I wait for pasta water to boil, or to everyone gathered around the morning table (we call this Breakfast Poetry). Before bed, I find splendor in a shower the length of a single song. I read while I nurse (I finish at least a book a week this way). Arranging roses in vases to scatter around the house is a gorgeous moment to invite small, dimpled hands to join. A hundred (more) exquisite moments in a day in a life.
There’s a scene in Summerwater by Sarah Moss where one of the characters (a mother of small children) has an unexpected window of alone time and she spends all of that time trying to decide what she should do with it…. at the time it felt VERY relatable!
those ‘in between’ times are really hard for me to navigate … struggle with wanting to be productive but also wanting to relax. This is a good idea!! go outside and putz and then make a flower arrangement :)
A concept I’ve taken from the world of home organizing that greatly enhances my ability to use small pockets of time is Modules. Modules just means that you keep all the things you need to do a thing, e.g. watercolor painting, in one place and that you know where it is. So that when you do have a few moments do something, you’re not spinning your wheels and get just pull out your little module and get to work! This is how I do watercolor painting more days of the week than not, as a full-time working mom of three. But also what might be equally important as the module is the mindset. You are allowed to PLAY, not just be productive. Say that to yourself 100 times because I think that’s what most of us actually need.
I love this idea Abbe. I think Marie Kondo has an idea similar. Related… if I can just take one step, I can continue. But sometimes the one step is a high and tough hurdle. Even for things I actually love to do. A couple examples, I set out my running clothes on mornings I run. Just seeing them bumps me into I’m going to run mode. On the day I do longer runs (but often have a lot of anxiety about it) , I prep my running breakfast, and set all my gear out (2 dogs, so I have a lot to bring with me). If I don’t do those things it’s so much easier to find excuses not to go.
I so relate to this post, even with just one kid!! She’s 12 months and very active, so every time she naps it feels like rare precious time. I honestly have no idea what I do in those free moments — probably answer emails/read articles (I don’t like being on my phone in front of her), and eat!!! I dream of knitting or sewing but for now it’s survival mode. I always think I’ll do fun stuff after she goes to bed, but right now she’s falling asleep at 8:30 and I’m too tired after that to try and create something. I just try to remind myself that this season of life is the “longest shortest time” and that I WILL create again. But damn it’s relentless!
Lily, do you do hand sewing? I find it can do small bits with children. They love to watch once they are a bit bigger. And if you often have a little something you are working on (that’s very low stakes so you don’t get frustrated) children learn you are working too, just like they are. It’s a preschool teacher trick to help children learn to play amongst themselves, but with you close by and secretly paying very close attention. But you’re less likely to interrupt them (really important), and they really do learn to quietly peep over your shoulder, and then go play some more. You’re attentive, not on your phone, and modeling having interests, being creative, appreciating beautiful things. And it’s a lot more fun than trying to get housework done with a toddler. Can do outside too!
Wordle with coffee, watching the backyard birds Doing a small, outside yard task Listening to the radio while doing a task I’ve been putting off (that doesn’t take much time, but is annoying) Texting a few “thinking of you” messages to friends, and/or pulling a card out from my stash and getting ahead on birthday greetings for the upcoming month
I’m just here to contribute with more compliments for Janelle. You look stunning, girl!
Correction: Jannelle.
Agreed. Your skin is always flawless. Goals.
Omg thank you so much! x
Agree!! You’ve got the best smile and you are always glowing! Love those flower too – perfect way to spend those moments!!
Having tea, taking a walk. Small moments, longer time – it always seems to include my favourite cup filled with hot tea. I take it with me wandering around the greenery, take a book or my sketch book with me. If I have more time, I would take these things on a longer walk outdoors. This is what really grounds me, even if it is just ten minutes and it alwasy feels like being back home in my body.
I love going in my garden or drawing and painting when I have free time. Your bonus hour took me right back to the early days of parenting 3 kids, and reminded me of this sweet moment from 15(!) years ago: https://thebroodinghen.blogspot.com/2011/04/sometimes-what-you-need-is-what-happens.html
That’s so sweet Maiz. Adorable little snoozers.
I love old blogs, so I clicked around for a couple minutes and found your first post. https://thebroodinghen.blogspot.com/2010/06/twenty-five-random-things.html?m=0 You’re so cool, Maiz! I would love for COJ to feature you (only if you’re interested, of course ☺️)
Oh my gosh they are darlings Maiz! xx
@smoothliminal Awww… thank you so much!
I’m practicing a few things since my kids are with their dad every other weekend. I work for some of that time, but I’m carving out pockets. I read at least one page of something every day. I have a tall book stack and just grab. I’m currently reading The Art of Asking Better Questions by JR Briggs and Save Me the Plums: My Gourmet Memoir by Ruth Reichl. I also schedule sauna visits in advance, so I actually go.
The Art of Asking Better Questions sounds so good! I’m definitely putting it on my TBR list. xx
reading something or closing my eyes on the sofa and breathing calmly emptieng my head from all the troubles
Anyone else ever feel like they have too much alone time? I have a partner who I adore, but I also work from home and although there is so much I appreciate about it, not seeing anyone in person for 40 hours a week takes its toll. All of my good friends have young kids, so seeing them for social time is hard, and my family all live far away. I’ve been trying to be more proactive about volunteering, getting into activities and so on (eg following all the usual advice for making more friends), but I come from a pretty closed off culture and it’s been tough. It’s quite a shameful/hard topic to bring up to my friends who are suffering a dearth of free time. I’ve tried to offer to trade some of my alone time for free babysitting etc but it’s been harder to make it happen than I’d hoped. My dad is having a big and scary operation soon and I’d really been hoping that someone in my life other than only my partner would remember that it was happening and not instantly change the topic of the conversation when I bring it up. Anyway, not really looking for advice – just wanted to send solidarity to anyone in a similar boat.
I feel you, Hayley. I sometimes struggle with similar feelings and it’s so hard. You always hear “everyone wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager” but it sounds like you genuinely want to be a villager!! I hope you find the right village to appreciate you soon <3
I’ve been here, Hayley, with the loneliness, actually at a few different times in my life. I found it really untenable and hard. Our culture can be so isolated. Sending you wishes for connection. It’s out there, but sometimes drastic measures need to be taken to find it (at least for me). And best wishes for your Dad’s surgery and recovery. ❤️❤️❤️
Yes, I can relate! I said when I read the title of the article as I spend nearly all my time alone. I retired now but did work from home the last few years of my career. Working from home is isolating. And when you’re retired without a partner and few friends it’s so much work sometimes to make things happen! So my default is staying home reading with a cup of coffee or tea. I do go out for art adventures or browsing and book stores but so wish I had a few more friends that I could do things with each week… Sending you and your dad healing thoughts that his surgery goes well.
Hayley, I’m so sorry no one has remembered your dad’s operation or wants to talk about it <3 That is so hard. In my experience, people do not really know how to talk about things like that, so it seems they just ignore it… until they go through something similar and learn how important it is to talk openly about parents' aging, illness, etc. I do hope you find the support you need, because it's so tough to go through alone. Also, I know you said you were not looking for advice, but as someone else who also works from home, I really recommend working at a coffee shop/bookstore/library/restaurant whenever you can. It helps me soooo much to feel like a part of the world, even if I'm not actually interacting too much with those around me. Just being around other people helps a LOT.
Thank you for sharing this. Here for solidarity. Making friends and finding community is so tough. One of the hardest parts of not having children that I did not anticipate is being outliers in our age group. Taking care of a young family is an intense commitment and once kids are in school so much socialization revolves around other school families and sports. Even if you want to hang out with families you aren’t typically invited. It can be pretty weird and lonely!
If this veers too much into advice, please disregard, but as a mom of littles, I’m much more able to take a friend up on inviting herself into the chaos (eg her coming over and hanging with the whole family, or meeting us out at our inevitable playground outings) than I am able to take her up on a babysitting offer (there’s a list of things I expect from babysitters and I’d feel presumptuous to give it to an unpaid friend). Also, I’m sorry your friends aren’t caring well for your concern about your dads surgery!
I read or create! I’ll pick up my latest read…or sit down and play with beads and make jewelry! Your post triggered a cool memory…Saw an Imogen Cunnigham exhibit a few years back. Some or her earlier photos were of backyard flowers…..because they were the only things she could photograph while tending to her kids!
I love that you mentioned Imogen Cunningham! I’ve also been so inspired by her as a mother/artist who worked with her time and place constraints instead of against them. So ahead of her time and a great inspiration for everyone, parent or not.
I live in the U.K. and one of the very best things on offer for parents of under 1s is ‘Baby Cinema’. Once a week usually around 11am the local cinema will either choose a new film or a classic to show for parents and babies. Tickets are heavily discounted and includes a free hot drink and a free popcorn. Everyone parks their prams at the front and I love booking a little couch to myself where my baby and I can cozy up, feed, sleep and babble and nobody gives two f***s! At some point everyone’s kid will kick off with a whimper or cry and no one judges- the subtitles are on and the room is dark and cool. It’s a little adult oasis that I count as alone time because it’s participating in an adult activity that’s just for me. That said you can imagine the collective cheers that rippled through the rows when Stanley Tucci first appears in the Devil Wears Prada 2 and the collective sigh for Colin Firth in the 25th reunion showing of Bridget Jones… it’s me time and it’s an affirmation that I’m not alone in this mad, mad baby world. I leave each showing refreshed and happy. I hope other countries offer this and if they do- go!! I promise it delivers all the things- adult conversation and plots playing at you for two precious hours in a space normally not allowed for babies feels so indulgent. Yes, read all the books and articles you can whenever you can catch a moment, but also get swallowed up in the romance of film. I didn’t realise in the post-Netflix world how much I’d miss seeing a film the “old fashioned way”. Bliss.
I see it here in Ontario, too! Not a parent myself, but I always thought that was such a lovely idea.
Tess, this sounds so lovely it almost made me teary. My son will be 21 tomorrow, and my daughter 19 next month, and I still think about those mad, mad baby years with regularity. If my neighborhood had offered Baby Cinema back then, I would have attended like it was church. Thank you so much for sharing! ♥️
Ok, but if you haven’t read Strangers…next time you have an hour, dive in! It lives up to the hype.
I live alone, so when I am not at work, I have a lot of alone time which I honestly love. My job requires me to be a people person and I can get quite socially exhausted. My alone time I cherish the most tends to fall into a couple different buckets: movement (exercise or just a stroll or a stretch), writing (journaling or something more structured), and lately reading or an audiobook. I’m trying to spend as little time as possible on my phone when I am alone, so when I have those micro-moments I try to read a few pages of soemthing or wind up tidying / organizing / pacing etc.
What a beautiful arrangement! I love that you slowed down and got outside.
I used to agonize and then the time would go away. Now I have three categories move body/rest (read, meditated, lie on bed, etc)/clear a task. I usually ask my husband to pick or have google pick a random number.
I am fascinated by all of these comments. Amazing people out there. My alone time is spent watching reality tv, lol.
Same!!! I consider it a sociological study hence its improving my IQ 🤣
Your comment made me crack up, Maureen. I always think the social dynamics of it all are SO INTERESTING.
We all do at least a bit of that, right – surely?? I have yet to dive into reality TV, but for me it’s sinking an hour or two into food shows on YouTube. Even though I’ll make MAYBE 2% of the dishes being taught.
I chose to put reading on the back burner when my kids were still little, but once they hit the preteen years I was so happy to be reading books again. Now I’ll read or put on an audiobook while doing the chores or on a lazy weekend afternoon, and it is the best!
My husband takes our 18-month-old to the park every morning so I can have time alone to do as I please. I usually fill that space with an online Pilates class or swim at the local Y – something that allows me to move my body and care for myself, especially after some long nights of interrupted sleep. I always feel recharged, more steady in my mind, and ready for whatever a day with a toddler brings.
I chose not to have children due to an ex-husband significantly older with his own kids. However, I am now very grateful for this decision, as I can’t imagine how terribly busy and overwhelming being a parent is, and I don’t think I would be as stable and emotionally healthy if I couldn’t have my own time as often as I need to. Maybe that makes me selfish, as someone once told me, but it’s certainly seems to have worked out well and I have no regrets. I love be able to do what I want and when I want, as I keep myself plenty busy learning and exploring new things all the time.
Same, Kasia! Feel very glad reading all these comments that we chose not to have kids. I’m sure parents see it differently –many rewards to parenting, of course — but the idea of being bowled over by having one hour to yourself is incredible to me. Glad Jannelle was able to seize the moment! The flowers are indeed lovely.
I’m glad you’re happy with your life choices. I think comments like these are really not constructive. Imagine if you shared a particular challenge you experience in your life and someone commented “wow, I’m so glad I made choices so I don’t have to deal with your problem.” We don’t need to criticize or point out how much nicer the alternative is on either side of choosing to have kids or not.
I don’t think this is selfish at all. The choice not to have kids is as personal as the choice to have kids. One could even say that the choice to have kids is selfish – depending on how you look at it. It always baffles when people say “I can’t even remember my life before kids”. Umm, s’cuse me?!? I can! And it was effing awesome!
Double that, Kasia and Anna. I didn’t want children for 100 reasons but chief among them being the desire to own my time (and peace and quiet and money, ha ha). Whew baby.
I disagree that this comment isn’t constructive! There are many reasons why one may or may not want to have children, and there is no use pretending that is not the case. Time to oneself is a huge factor. There are endless articles and comments about how having children is the most rewarding thing ever, so I think it’s great to see the alternative point of view in a positive light.
Maybe it’s me but I don’t see limited alone time as a kids or no kids proposition. My best friend has much less alone time than I do and I have kids but she doesn’t! It is a huge struggle for her but because of life circumstances, her highly rewarding but demanding job etc alone time is at a premium in her life. She also lives alone and still often simply is out of time for herself being by herself. Sometimes we will set up coffee dates and make them super short so she has a moment to just sit at a table by herself! I understand this need!
Different Anna, I really appreciate you saying this! Whenever I see posts about parenting and the self-congratulatory child-free folks start chiming in, I always let their comments make me feel bad for struggling as a mom. Your comment made me sit up straight and recall those suggested scripts for responding to rudeness, like “Huh, what an odd thing to say” and “I am not the right person for you to share that with.” Thank you for the shift in perspective!
I don’t think you need to feel selfish. It’s not selfish. People have different priorities and needs. Being a parent can be wonderful but it is undeniably exhausting and draining at times and it is not for everyone. People can feel good with their decisions and happy for other people’s decisions without disdain or judgement. We’re all different people living on the same rock.
Different Anna, agree with you. When I read comments like this, it just seems like a reaction to make someone feel better about their choice to not have kids…which is a totally fine decision! Different plans are right for different people without needing to compare. Also, I love my alone time and as a parent I may have less of it now due to my kids, but boy do they bring me joy, stability, and emotional health in other ways! It may seem hard to imagine to be so busy but it works out in the end.
Different Anna, Lindsey, and Sarah — I agree! Usually when I see comments like this, it reads to me of deep-seeded insecurity. I think when people are truly confident in their decisions, they don’t need to comment. They just know. And I say that as someone who does the same thing! For example, I sometimes feel the urge to comment on posts about being a SAHM how I’m so glad I am a working mom because I value financial independence blah blah blah, and while that may be true, the reality is that I DO question the choice, which one is “better,” etc. So when I read things like this, I usually try to just have compassion for the person who wrote it, but agree that it’s not constructive. I don’t think it’s “selfish” to have kids or not have kids, but maybe the original poster is still grappling with that comment she got from someone.
Right there with you! We all get to decide how we want to spend our time.
Kasia – expressing one’s opinions as a child-free person sure remains controversial, huh? I didn’t perceive your comment as insecure or judgemental *whatsoever*. To the contrary, I found it self-aware and reverential towards self-sacrificing parents and guardians. One of COJs main topics is parenthood, and I choose not to view it as exclusionary because I don’t have children. Thank you for contributing to the conversation.
Sarz, I think it rubs people the wrong way because it’s kind of the same as someone going on a post about being childfree and commenting “I am so grateful for my decision to have kids. I can’t imagine how terribly lonely and dull it would be to not have kids. I love having a built-in source of meaning and joy in my life, every single day.” The original comment reads a little self-congratulatory, as another person pointed out, on a post that’s about finding free time and making the most of it when you’re the parent of small children.
Have to say, I’m surprised at the comments saying this is a post about parenting and so (essentially) childfree people should butt out. I really didn’t read this to be about parenting specifically. Janelle shared her perspective on alone time from her vantage point as someone who doesn’t get much of it right now, which is largely influenced by having young kids. But the question prompts at the bottom of the post clearly envisage a wide range of perspectives and experiences with aloneness and nothing in them indicates that the discussion should only be seen from the lens of parenthood. I mean, what is a Cup of Jo comment section if not a wide ranging discussion that sees a particular topic from many angles? Just sharing because this kind of insistence that parents are the only ones who should get a say, especially on a topic like aloneness (which has so many legs to it), is pretty sad and divisive.
I agree that different perspectives on enjoying one’s precious little free time are welcome. Some folks have limited personal time due to demanding jobs or other responsibilities/situations. We can learn from one another’s experiences with that. But the comment that started this conversation was essentially, “I don’t have this problem, I have lots of free time to do what I want when I want.” Is that helpful here? Does that move us toward greater connection and empathy as a community? Is it appropriate to comment on a post about living on a tight budget by declaring how much money you have?
Lindsey, I guess I just don’t agree that this discussion should only involve people with very limited free time and when I read the actual content of Kasia’s comment it seems far more likely than not that the intention was explaining having found peace with a decision and enjoying it, not making people feel bad. On the other hand, comments calling her rude, self-congratulatory, and insecure do not move us toward greater connection and empathy as a community.
We don’t know Kasia so we could never know if she is rude, self-congratulatory or insecure, but her comment definitely is some of those things!
I too get cranky when interrupted mid squat! This was somehow reassuring to read 😆
SAME!!!
Same! Knowing your limits and what will not work is important too. This was a good reminder:)
Yes, agree! I always see these pictures of Moms doing yoga or sit ups with babies crawling around them or on them and I’m like, no thank you. I’d rather just not do it. It feels like multi-tasking taken too far. Even though, I know from personal experience that then you may never end up doing it. There is no right answer, but nice to feel solidarity in the preference to just have the workout time to yourself!
Thank you for the inspiration Janelle! I just did exactly what you did , and it was so calming and satisfying at the same time. I love what I made and put it on my mantel– aiming for “romantic, imperfect, and wild “
Lately alone time means exploring myself and an ethical porn video… it’s been such a nice release. If I’m really feeling good, I sometimes post photos on gonewild30plus.. or gardening & cleaning but the fun and frisky time is a bit freeing. Didn’t think it’d be something I’m into.
I %100 thought, with that stunning but also super sexy lead photo, lol, laying back on what looks like a bed, that this was going to be a Dame sponsored post.
girl same, ethical naughty reddit ftw
I’m also tickled at the non zero overlap between CoJ and naughty Reddit
I immediately was like, we’re all just masturbating with our free time, right?! But that only takes like 5 minutes and then I’m cleaning the house lol
Never heard of this Reddit before!! Love that you’re exploring like this. I assume it’s safe?
I’m back to do a naughty-reddit PSA, because folks asked if it’s “safe.” Well no, and yes, in the same way many things are. What is reddit? Reddit is a giant messy online space, whose tagline is “everything people talk about”. Its also a social media run by a. billionaire (founder is Serena Williams’ husband). So keep that in mind. This is not decorporatizing your masturbation time. That may or may not matter to you. What can I do there in the “naughty” category? Read (or share) stories; photos; media; audio (fanning myself). I generall)y find that, unlike other porn sites you can avoid the ickiest stuff (its there; its just not coming at you without looking for it which i appreciate). However, the fact Reddit does host some of the ickiest stuff is worth contemplating. A perfectly ethical space, this is not. What if I want to participate? -always have an account that is ONLY for viewing/posting naughty things. it can have no relation to any of your real life interests -turn OFF post history -remain aware that Reddit is crawled by Google. So if someone googles “reddit username ‘naughtycupofjo’, that users posts WILL be aggregated. So think: if I google you and it shows you like; i dont know, sexy male moaning AND hiking AND the pacific northwest AND building model airplanes – that starts to get to a real person. Hence; two accounts” -naughty account can and should be deleted often. -if you choose to post or share photos/audios/stories : check the metadata; your face isnt in them; your tattoos; jewelry; background decor; clothes; dont reveal things about your location/identity you dont want revealed, etc. -i have learned if i choose to chat with people i prefer to stay ON the app; but if i share media i share it via a private link to my secure encrypted drive and delete the link after use Just a few notes from an anonymous Redditor. Stay safe! Have fun
Exercise – always exercise – preferably outdoors. Hiking, walking, jogging – I’ve even started lifting weights in my backyard. I always feel better after some exercise and like I’ve invested in myself. Even 20 minutes is great!
Last weekend my husband and I had our first kids-free weekend since 7 years. We are renovating and have to install new electricity. To much dirt and noises for the kids. They had a fun time at their grandparents’. In the evening we were exausted, dirty and hungry. So we jumped under the shower, changed in sexy dresses 😉 and rushed dowmtown to visit a super elegant restaurant. It was an awsome special free time for us. Although the next day there was still so much work to do… Just seize the moment, girls!
Now that is is warm where I live, when I get some free time I love to sit or lay down in my back yard in the sunshine and just daydream or close my eyes. It took me a long time to realize that doing nothing is also doing something!
Yes! I love wandering out to my vines, smelling the blooms, checking the water, and making sure the stems are growing on the trellis.
I moved into my own place 2 years ago after getting divorced. It’s felt so good spending time on my little home here. Out front, I have a hummingbird feeder, a seed feeder, a fuchsia and a wind chime all hanging in front of the living room window. I also have a bird bath in the front yard. When I have a few moments of calm, I love to go tend to my front porch, refilling my feeders, watering my fuchsia, and cleaning and refilling my bird bath. On nice days, my son will frequently follow me outside and end up playing with the watering pail, and my daughter will end up digging in the dirt. I love it, and I love seeing these little things that make me happy when sitting in my living room.
If I only have a moment, I’ll make myself a sealed pint jar of peppermint tea for later and just leave it on the counter by the kettle until I remember it’s there. Then it’s ready to go, fully infused and not too hot, whenever I need. Thanks past me!
Lovely idea, and the thought of current me leaving gifts to future frazzled me. I think of this when I freeze cookie dough balls for future baking :)
Jannelle, is your Beauty Uniform still current, with the same products? Your skin is glowing and your blush color is so lovely!
That’s also what I was coming back to ask!
Aww thank you! I’ve swapped out a few things, here’s what I now use :) Blush: https://go.shopmy.us/p-61923316 Foundation: https://go.shopmy.us/p-61923139 Concealer: https://go.shopmy.us/p-61923715 Highlighter: https://nordstrom.sjv.io/vDxQ4d
Right? I thought the ritual was going to be skincare or makeup!
Here to say same! Your look amazing!
I’m taking things off track here, but can someone explain highlighter to me? What does one… do with it? Where do I put it? You do look gorgeous and glowy, Janelle! For alone time: reading, crossword puzzles, a cup of tea, a quick walk in the woods by my house. And like someone below, I just started piano lessons, which are bringing me much joy!
Hi RFK! I like to use it to add a pretty glow to my face :) I’ll use my finger to dab and blend it onto my cheekbones and the bridge of my nose. I also like to add it on in the inner corner of my eyes for special occasions. It add’s a little more oomph! x
janelle, I think you are a vibe. a really really good one. if at all, the makeup stuff adds a miniscule glow to you as a gorgeous steady shining sun of a human. i am so delighted to hear from you each week on COJ. thank youuuuu
Oh my gosh Josette thank you!! You all are so kind! x
And the lip product(s)? And yes you look stunning!!
Aww thank you! I use this ilia lipstick in wanderlust :) https://iliabeauty.com/products/balmy-tint-hydrating-tinted-lip-balm?variant=40816209264720
Full transparency I’m not crafty and not a DIY person. But when my two toddlers nap, I’ve been refinishing and restoring beautiful vintage frames I’ve been thrifting. They’re stacked in my little work area. I love figuring out what I’m going to put inside. This bit technically involves a screen, but I’ve LOVED browsing the Rijksmuseum’s free online collection looking for pieces to print for my frames. I have no idea how this became my hobby, but I apparently now have strong opinions about matting.
Wow, I didn’t know about the Rijksmuseum’s free online collection until now – THANK YOU!
This sounds so nice! Any resources you recommend for learning how to restore/refinish frames? Thank you for sharing, if you called. xo
Thank you so much for this tip! I visited the Rijksmuseum years ago and am looking forward to browsing. Maybe I will develop strong opinions about matting along the way as well!
the real question is what blush are you wearing?! you look radiant
I have a hard time with those small pockets of free time. My goal this summer is to read more during those unpredictable blocks.
I thrive on alone-time. This has been one of the hardest changes that parenting brings. I used to panic when my first son didn’t nap well on the weekends because that was the nail in my replenishment coffin for the week. And also, the effing g u i l t for wanting some time alone. Sigh. Years later, it still creeps up on me, but I’m more ok to hand out snacks and turn on Elmo, so I can paint or think.
SAME!! Biggest and hardest change for me, by far. I also work from home, my husband works from home, and we have a sitter who watches our son at our home. Being alone is sooo rare and precious to me now!
Love this! I have a 4.5 year old and I really want her to see me have hobbies and doing things I enjoy (this is much easier now that she is a bit older). I’ve recently learned needlepointing and it’s so relaxing. I can even do it next to her while she colors or does one of her crafts. I also love to read and like her seeing me read. One thing really hard about phones is that no one ever knows what you’re doing! You could be doing a crossword (which I love the NYT games) or reading a book or ordering groceries or scrolling the internet but it’s so opaque. I want my daughter to be able to see what I’m doing and be able to relate to it.
I recently bought a coffee table book called Il Dolce Far Niente about the Italian idea of enjoying just doing nothing. So that’s what I’ve been up to lately while my 2-year-old naps on weekends. Just ignoring the chores and to-do lists and laying in the garden, looking up at the trees.
I have twin 2.5 year old boys, and while MANY aspects of having twins are SO MUCH HARDER than having two singletons (I’m assuming), I do think one of the benefits is that they are on the same schedule. I am very militant about keeping them on the same schedule and have since birth. They are in daycare M-F, but on Saturdays and Sundays they both nap from about 1-3/3:30, and it’s glorious. As a type A organized person, I used to feel like I needed to use that time to “get something done”, since it’s so hard to accomplish much of anything when they are awake. But I have really loosened on that in the last number of months and started using nap time to REST. I rarely actually sleep myself, but I am horizontal – either reading, or more likely watching “my show”, a show that only I watch and not my husband and I together. And it’s so rejuvenating! It makes me feel like I get a bit of a weekend too, and it’s not just 100% chasing kids around. If I do feel the need to really get something done, I”ll try to split the time – 1 hour “to-do”, 1 hour rest. Also note: my husband and I take turns exercising during their wake hours so that we don’t have to use nap time to workout on the weekends!!! Life-changing.
I always thought the rule was, “nap/rest/read while your children nap.” Be efficiently busy while everyone is busy, then rest while everyone is resting. I’ve adopted this at work too. My job requires my full attention so I used to save the mandatory reports for homework. Then I realized I was working around the clock! Now I force myself to do my reports (or most of them) while I am at work and boom: I now have free time at home (not really but I CAN now carve it out when I want to, whereas before I simply had no time ever).
Cailie, with young twins there is no way to be efficiently busy. They are begging for your attention in two different directions at all awake times. It is an otherworldly existence.
When I had kids, I went from reading books to reading periodicals. (I also said goodbye to movies and anything longer than a sitcom episode.) I lived for daily Cup of Jo updates (and now we have Big Salad!) and all my magazine subscriptions. I saved juicy feature articles and long form pieces for those moments of alone time. Now my kids are a bit older, so it’s been so great to sign out books from the library again! I’m also happy to report that I have recently been to the movie theatre! Amazing.
I started taking piano lessons again after almost 30 years. The lessons themselves sometimes feel vulnerable and difficult but practicing at home has been the most incredible way of making meaning out of these brief moments of alone time and has also encouraged me to create more of them around the edges of my endless to do list.
This is my dream and gives me hope for the future! When I try to play now, another person comes and bangs on the piano. I had fun trying to play some of my toddler’s favorite songs for him – that’s another idea to practice while the kids are around!
I spend an awful lot of time in my garden, weeding, staring, contemplating, and sometimes actually being productive lol. Alone time in the car is the best especially when the playlist matches the mood perfectly and people aren’t driving like jerks. Feeding the 20 horses at the barn where I keep mine is also VERY hard work and also soothing and gratifying. I think anything that invokes a mind/body connection without strings attached is the best way to spend your free time :) As a side note, I haven’t been able to post a comment from Safari in about a week, but Google Chrome is working. The error is “the Nonce is invalid”. Just so you guys are aware :)
Hi Melanie! Ooooh feeding horses sounds so lovely! Also, could you try clearing your cache in your Safari browser? That seems to do the trick for other readers who have received the same message recently :) x
A recent quote from someone who I can relate to: “This is the post I did not want to write because it is the most honest one I have written. I get lonely on this ranch. Not all the time. Not most of the time. Enough of the time that it would be dishonest to write about this life exclusively in the language of peace and sufficiency and chosen solitude. There are mornings when I lie in bed for an extra five minutes not because the body needs more sleep but because the day that is coming is another day alone and some mornings that is heavier than other mornings. I get up anyway. I put on the boots anyway. I walk across the yard anyway because the horses need feeding and because the barn is there and because the act of showing up when the motivation is thin is the only thing that has ever actually addressed the loneliness. Not eliminated it. Addressed it. The grey mare comes to her door and she is glad I am there and by the fourth stall I am somewhere different than I was in the bed. The day got better from the getting up. It always gets better from the getting up. I am sharing this because someone reading this had a hard night and has the same five-fifteen coming and needs to hear that the getting up works. It works every time. Get up. Feed the horses. The day will carry itself from there. 🐎💪”. Two weeks ago, one of the horses I care for like my own accidentally ran me over. I was in a lot of pain. But I did not feel like I could skip my next feed shift (2 days later) so off I trudged. Little did I know my trainer who runs the property needed the Rhino (farm vehicle) that morning. So instead of driving around, dropping off the Horsey Happy Meals, I had to walk every bucket out to every pasture. With my bruised and tired body. And damn if I didn’t feel better later. Feeding the horses has never made me feel worse, so I always hope that every human finds their version of that. Motherhood is the closest I can come up with, but as a gardener, I think that counts too :) I did try clearing my cache and deleting cookies, but since chrome is working, it’s all good :)
I am getting the same error message when I try to comment. I have to use Safari browser now!
I recently switched to a new work schedule where I work 9 hour days and have the tenth day off. It resulted in about 6 hours of unscheduled time alone in my home. I queue up a book on tape (something light – a romcom or fantasy) and clean my filthy home with plenty of breaks to drink coffee and pace myself. Even though I’m working it is enjoyable!
I don’t have kids, so I’m lucky to have a lot of opportunity for alone time. I walk the dog, read, watch horror movies or cooking shows (my husband hates both), weed the garden, talk to my mom on the phone…lots of stuff! Inevitably I end up getting distracted by some weird cleaning project, like washing my doors or organizing my linen closet. Cause I’m 46 and so cool 😄
I feel this predicament in my bones. My twins are 11 months. I work full time M-F. Yesterday was Saturday and they would not nap at the same time. As soon as one woke up, the other was finally ready to nap. But with one baby playing happily in the play pen while the other was sleeping (not having their hair pulled or toy taken by their sibling), I was actually able to read a book! I completely understand when you say you get cranky when you’re interrupted. This is why I have largely stopped doing things I used to enjoy so much, working out, crafting, baking. I wouldn’t trade this joy of being their mom for the world, but for me, this is the hardest part of it. I am challenging myself to read 30 minutes a day, in 15 minute increments, just to build the habit back. It often means NOT getting chores out of the way first, which is so so hard for me. I’m glad you’ve found such a beautiful way to recharge, Jannelle.
Twin mama checking in here to say: it gets easier! The first year for us was survival mode and every year since it has got incrementally easier for us to find our ways back to our hobbies. Ours are four and I knit again now, my husband bakes bread. I workout and have long hot Everything Showers again. I promise; it gets easier.
Consider “the bedside book”! The only reading time I have is the cherished time before I go to bed, once I am actually under the covers! I make sure that the second that drowsyness hits, I have the bookmark already next to me and all I have to do is drop the book and turn out the light. I fall asleep nearly instantly and have read SO MANY more books than it seems possible this way. I use the library.
Rebecca, I very much appreciate the encouragement from someone who gets it! Cailie, I always try to get into bed as early as I can to read too. However, last night I could read only one paragraph before I zonked out. Lol
I relate to the list of questions you asked yourself, mine are similar. I also find it useful to use a timer – say, to clean for 15 minutes or read for 30. I live alone and work from home, so otherwise the day sometimes drifts mindlessly by.
Ooh, I like that idea. Putting it in my pocket for later.
I really love this question! When my kids were little, in those moments when I had free time but knew it could end suddenly,I got into embroidery. I learned how as a child from a next door neighbor friend who was in her 70s. My skills are very basic, but I liked tracing my kids’ drawings onto fabric and then embroidering them. I could pick up what I was working on and drop it when needed. Years later, on a trip to Sweden with my mom, we visited artists Carl and Karin Larsson’s home/museum, and I learned that Karin had moved from painting to fiber arts when she had children. Her loom was in the center of the home, near a window where she could monitor the children if they were outside. And Carl…had a whole separate wing of the house as his studio. I’m always fascinated by how people figure out ways to fit creativity into life despite obstacles!
That is so beautiful and inspiring Amy! Thank you for sharing x
Love all of your posts, Jannelle! This one is lovely, as are all of them. Beautiful selfie, too!
I am an introvert — meaning that I need solitude to recharge — and I love people. My job is deeply connective; I teach meditation, offer coaching, teach yoga. I don’t have children and live on 5 acres in the forest with my husband. I have so much alone time! I love to create! This weekend I made a wee pond in a half-barrel planter, potted the tomato and cucumber starts a neighbor gifted me, weeded the patch of wild starflowers growing under some cedars from which I’m removing all the wild things that aren’t starflowers…. My husband worked on removing the ugly hogwire fencing a prior owner installed around the house, and we built a place to store the hogwire panels to make a vegetable garden enclosure someday, and lugged panels to the new rack. Sunday morning we quietly assembled IKEA deck furniture together because we need more space for a big family visit next month. Meditation is a steady friend, too, and if I feel restless or hard-to-commit about it (yes, that happens for meditation teachers, too!) I pop myself into the bath to meditate there. Solitude is so delicious.
I don’t have kids, so finding alone time hasn’t been an issue for me. Maybe that’s why I’m quite excellent at it :) I have a whole set up in my house where I work on my art projects while listening to my favorite radio shows on WFMU or Freeform Portland. It’s by a window, and I’ve filled the windowsill with candles, flowers, and incense to set the mood. I can easily spend all day knitting or reading, and I also love making a really good, involved, all day recipe that makes the house smell incredible. Occasionally, I’ll dust off my guitar and sit around learning to play some cover songs. And I got really into miniature kits recently, so I’d spend the day putting together tiny bookstores, which was super fun. I also DJ art openings, so I’ll build my playlists for that. Most of my alone time is very indoorsy.
This sounds perfect, Liz!
Honestly, I read CoJ! Also a quick walk! Something happens where our brains naturally go into a meditative state. Bonus points if there’s some nature around.
I am rarely alone in my home, my favorite place, as an introvert, to be. One would think with two kids in their early twenties and a spouse that works outside the house it would be easier, and yet almost any day I schedule to work from home, there someone else is. So when I find myself finally alone, I scream. Nothing in particular, usually just a full-throated deep pitched wordless scream from down in my gut. Hands over ears usually and a glass of water nearby. As long as I can manage and multiple times if the first one isn’t satisfying enough. Don’t get me wrong, I love much about my life, but living in general is wearing, isn’t it? And with no one around I can be loud without justifying it; no one there to ask me what’s wrong? Nothing is wrong / it’s all wrong. It’s just about the release and I love it.
sometimes when the world is completely overwhelming, I scream as loud as I can in the car. And I feel SO.MUCH.BETTER
Cris, I love that! It reminds me of the movie Ella McCay, there is a scene where Ella and her aunt (mother figure) scream together, like you do. I thought it was so moving. I loved that movie! Love from Paris
Those white roses…. like calm clouds drifting across a blue sky. So so so lovely Jenelle! I’m happy for you, that you chose something truly caring for yourself. I can honestly say I didn’t really ever get time to myself when my children were little. I wish I had. I have loads of free time now though – I go for trail runs, I work in my garden, I sew, I sleep, I soak in our hot tub, I catch up with friends. And I miss the sweet moments with my children that are gone now. It would be lovely if moms could have that joy AND enough rest. That’s what I wish for all of you.
Aww thank you Sasha, you are so sweet! xx
Sorry for the name misspell, I have a dear friend who is Jenelle…. But JANELLE……I love reading all of these responses. What intriguing little glimpses into others’ lives. And new ideas for activities that might bring delight. And not to get too deep, but also, philosophically – how do we spend our lives, and what does that mean to us. I’m making a little list of everything that sparks joy, ideas for next time I feel a little lost and need a push in the right direction. I think this is the truest meaning of self care.
Kids 18 and 16 and now just getting alone time now that they can drive and have weekend jobs. I remember thinking of about 5 things I wanted to do! Lighting a candle and cooking dinner, plus morning short workouts with the hubs when they are gloriously still sleeping :)
Your vase of roses photo is the most beautiful still life. I love and so relate to your lesson of finding beauty in small moments xo
Aww thank you! x
I realized that I now categorize alone time so differently than I did while I was raising kids. I never would have considered having kids in the house (sleeping) as being alone. I am so in awe you for framing it this way.
Last year in February I was meeting two friends in the town I used to study in and had an equally unexpected free 2 hours. I went for a blissful walk in the cold and watched planes land. At home, whenever I am alone, which is rare, I rush to finish as many chores as possible. So apart from that day in February 2025, I don’t remember enjoying free time.
I am here for the comments because at the moment I think I default to sorting and cleaning! Though I do always have a book on the go so that would be my second option.
How lovely! Such a simple idea. But what a nice thing to do. And then to keep seeing those flowers throughout the day bringing more joy to you.
I love alone time. I didn’t realize how essential it was to my soul until after I had a kid and alone time became more scarce. I keep a list of activities that bring me joy to consult for exactly these moments – journaling, tarot, meditating, art therapy (pretty much any art project but if I call it therapy I can focus on process over outcome), or taking a walk. I recently wrote about a fun way to decide on how to spend unexpected free time — https://substack.com/@trippingoverjoy/note/c-267960892?r=2o5gvh&utm_source=notes-share-action&utm_medium=web
I love that Sarah! and agonizing about potentially “wasting” time is SO real omg haha.
This is genius, thank you!! I often stressed about not wasting precious alone time when my daughter was little, and I usually wound up exhausted from the worry and/or the email and chores I chose instead of doing something to reboot my already exhausted self. Kudos to you, Sarah, and to you, Jannelle, for finding the blooms and for writing this very necessary and also fun post! I also love how the flowers helped you rekindle the rested/refreshed feeling later.