Have a Lovely Weekend.

sexy black or practical black?

Hanky Panky Breathe boyshorts.

I don’t recall a recommendation recently but I’ll recommend bombas underwear. You can buy multipacks in black.

I like Felina https://www.felina.com/products/lace-hi-waisted-boyleg-panty?variant=42826680074328

I’m really sorry. How old are your kids? I felt really isolated when my kids were younger. What helped is invitng parents of my kids’ friends (the ones who seemed like we might click) to hang out. First with the kids (pizza and a movie, that kind of thing). Not all stuck, but a few did and those friendships are now starting to feel more deep and real.

you’re gonna have to out out of your comfort zone if you wanna meet people with your shared values. Get involved with political organizing, and when you click with someone, ask if they wanna grab coffee or a movie. I guarantee there are other people around you feeling the same way, wishing there were more blue people around them that they knew.

Motherhood can be so isolating and community is so huge. It can be hard but as others have said, I think it will be possible to find your people! This is definitely my blue bubble perspective but I feel like you’d be hard pressed to find die hard conservatives in a yoga studio? And most towns seem to have at least one little yoga class or studio. Just a thought!

You’re in control of your own destiny. If blue politics are important to you, get involved with an organization nearby to meet people. Or even see if there are people you can meet on Bumble in your area using the friends feature (not for dating). You might have to put yourself out there to ask moms at your kid’s school if they’d like to grab a coffee sometime.

I know the feeling. But with such a dismal approval rating for the orange clown, maybe your neighborhood isn’t as red as you think. My husband volunteered for the local dems, and now has a list of democrats whom he needs to contact to follow up re primary ballots. Looking for friends in retirement, I started a neighborhood book club by distributing flyers. I haven’t found a best friend, but enjoy the monthly female repartee. I volunteer at a food pantry one morning a week, where I have met a woman with whom I like. I even have my regulars on my morning walking route with whom I exchange a cheerful hello each day. My daughter had good luck with Bumble BFF, as Sarah suggests. Could you volunteer for a school event so you have a bit more ongoing contact with other school moms? Take cookies to a new family on the block and introduce yourself?

Hi Violet! I don’t live in the suburbs but my husband I moved to a mid-sized Midwest city from Chicago. We live in a historic district downtown so the neighborhood is lovely but mostly older people. However, I do really resonate with your comment. I feel this way about most of the parents in our daughter’s school. They all seem nice but are definitely interested in VERY different things. I find it very hard to even attempt to make parent friends here. Thankfully, I have slowly cultivated a friendship at work. But it has been 5 years in the making! Do you happen to live in Ohio?

Hi Violet, me too, but I’m not a mom. The friends I’ve made in my town are from the book club I started. They are more than acquaintances, but not exactly the deep friendship I really want. I go to group fitness classes but have not made friends there. I’m still trying to find new ways to put myself out there. Best wishes <3

Highly recommend putting any political assumptions aside and see your community as people first. Having healthy relationships with people you might disagree with is what’s missing these days. To have a village, you need to be the village. Start small, build trust, and perhaps influence others later.

Just here to say that’s so so hard. I’ve been there before. Remind yourself that it’s not your fault! There is nothing wrong with you, sometimes circumstances just make life really hard. Is there an online bookclub or something you could get involved with? Sometimes our network can be virtual, rather than in person.

I also think it’s good to lead with that point blank when you introduce yourself to someone you think you might like. I personally would be way more open to someone I knew was looking for an actual friend instead of just socializing casually.

Also, just remembered that I bookmarked that google doc of COJ peeps an angel made up for us – see who is nearest to you!! https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/16lLbgKy2oePPCP24GP4msujdbeKxazBLRXejpR2Hngg/edit#gid=0

It’s like dating, you gotta do the legwork to sift through all the nope’s! Volunteer like crazy. Like to read? Join the Friends of the Library, or start a book club at the library. Like to throw parties? Join the decorating committee of the biggest local fundraiser. Run the cash register at the Scholastic Book Fair. Join a knitting circle. Do it all! There is someone there for you.

Thank you all for the thoughtful replies. In PA, so not Ohio, but sort of close! You have all given me a great deal to think about and many solid strategies! Now to muster the courage :) Sincerely, thank you again!

You can do it Violet! It will be beautiful! Tell us how you got on. We are cheering you on! Off you go to meet lovely new friends :)

Join a book club, go to author and or art events, join a walking club, or find yourself a pen pal for a non in person friendship. Start a little garden in your front yard or near your mailbox to spark a gardening conversation . Find your people- they are out there!

Gah! To the Kirks! (raises glass)

I see you, Hope. Relate. There are times when, with a friend with this struggle, the best thing for myself has been to put the relationship on pause, because I have to protect myself too.

Rang deeply true to me of a work friend who became a close friend when we both offered each other support during our divorces, and it took me years to realise that the rolling series of dramas and emergencies requiring me to give so much emotional energy weren’t a one off crisis for her, or a run of bad luck, something we just needed to help her get through, but just how S she lived her life. I felt like this article was aimed at promoting empathy for people like this but honestly it just confirmed for me that my decision to cut this person off was correct.

Hi Hope, This is my mother too, so I sympathise. The firm FIRM boundaries are essential. But it makes me feel like a monster, as I’m an only child and she’s always been single and has very few friends (BPD will do that huh?). It’s a terrible disorder. Sending ❤️

I too lost my best friend from college recently (after 20+ years of friendship) due to what I believe is probably BPD. She pushed me away as yet another test and moment of extreme reactivity and I just let her go because I was so exhausted at the tumult of her life, her behavior, and her demands on our relationship. I had tried to ‘manage’ my relationship with her through boundary setting for years, but it really had never worked. I love her so much and believe her to be a truly special person, but for me the relationship had become unmanageable. No one in my life understood it. I would love to have her in my life still, and see her thrive instead of struggle. All I can do now is recognize the relief I feel in her absence, while treasuring the time we spent together in the past. One of life’s heartbreaks.

Love back! And proud of us all for our boundaries + self preservation, which yes, is often no contact / pauses. And @Jessie, your mum. That has got to be beyond complicated. You are not a monster!! Take care of you. xx

I am the child of a single mother who had bpd and the knowing that it was bpd evolved over 30 years. The experience was gutting in myriad ways for all five of us kids. She died just over three years ago at a relatively young age of 74. My siblings and I breathed a sigh of relief, colored by guilt. We are all so messed up, again in a variety of ways. For me, oldest daughter and mother of three glorious daughters, I am heavily scarred and push myself so hard as a mother, forever looking for evidence that I am, indeed, doing it differently. My mom was hurtful, manic, creative, hilarious, and tge best person to call when I had a crisis. It was all the things, all at once. If you love someone with bpd, I see you, and it is ok to also take care of yourself.

Here’s an older title but in the same vein as Strangers – Happens Every Day by Isabel Gillies (she played Stabler’s wife on Law and Order SVU). She was married to a pretty well known charismatic professor and he had a pretty public affair when their two kids were little and left her. Another one is You Could Make this Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith (the poet not the actress). For years she was the one who managed the household and wrote on the side and as her writing picked up, her husband grew more and more distant. There’s one line that got me – Meryl Streep read one of her poems at an event and it went viral and soon after her husband said to her “so you’re famous now” and that was the moment their marriage shifted. That was a gorgeously written book of the imbalance of power in a marriage and what happens when it unravels altogether.

Hi Anon- I’m 45 and got divorced 10 years ago. I was not in the same position you are so I can’t speak to HOW you’ll do this, but I want you to know that there is a ln unbelievably beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this. Your life is just beginning. You can’t see through this and I know that because I was there and I’ll tell you that the most terrifying part is right now where you are, where you KNOW but haven’t made the decision to act yet. It’s scarier than any other point. And you’re living it. You’re SO brave and I’m so proud of you. Once you make the decision, it gets easier to rest secure in your own inherent knowing. Because you do know. And you can do this. I’m sending you love and encourage you to look up the “divorce stories” series on the Culture Study patreon. I’m LW in that series for more words of encouragement. You’ve got this.

You can do this. Don’t talk yourself out of doing what’s right for you. I left an emotionally abusive partner without knowing how it was going to go, and it turns out that when you get away from the abuse, you can see clearly and do so much more. You’ve got this. Step away, and I swear you’ll not only be okay; you’ll thrive.

Saying this here is a healing step. I can say that I’ve extricated myself from similar situations (and identify with the feeling of shame at having it happen more than once). The glimmer is that this is extraordinarily well studied, and while you may not be able to physically leave, you can start healing yourself and building your boundaries and fortifying yourself to a point when you may choose to. Be gentle with yourself. There are wonderful books – Complex PTSD, Are you mad at me? Etc. I found those helpful when I needed to parse the disorienting feelings and retrace my proverbial steps. It’s good on the other side. The other side is there for you when you can reach it. Sending you strength.

You are stronger than you think. You are also clearly loved, since you have people around you who are willing to speak up and give words to what you know (deep down) but can’t say. Here are some ASAP resources (found via Carolyn Hax, of the Washington Post): https://www.joinonelove.org/ https://www.thehotline.org/ Xoxo

Hi Anon – Your mentors sound amazing and you sound powerful and wise. Whatever you decide, you got this.

I don’t have advice specific to this situation but have just come out on the other side of something I knew that I needed to do that was really f-ing scary. So just offering you hope that there is another side and also – even if you are physically/geographically isolated you clearly have people who care about you, to have sat you down for this talk. Gather your people close and use them as your touchstone when things get hard. Sending you strength!

Hi! A few things to tell your shame brain: this can happen to anyone. No one wants to admit this and when someone I love was going through it, I watched many women jump in with reasons this couldn’t have happened to them (insert primal scream here), but it happened to me on a small scale and a few women close to me on a big scale and I’ve now been at close range during their divorces. Maybe there are things about you that they were able to prey upon, but that doesn’t make YOU weak or the problem or lesser than anyone else. It also usually happens slowly-it’s not like one day he sat you down and said “here are all the ways I’m going to strangle your life.” It probably happened in a million little insidious ways and you were so busy trying to get through the day while he made you feel shitty that your brain couldn’t take it all in. That’s what I’ve seen happen, and it is hard to see it all together. And also: there is whole life waiting for you and it will be infinitely better just because it will be your own. It will be so hard and it will be worth it. Call the friends that he’s isolated you from that I suspect are out there wondering about you, figure out a legal strategy for getting out and have absolutely as much figured out as you can before you give him ANY inkling that you might leave—because once an emotionally abusive person knows, they act out, they try to hold on, they get scary and unsafe. People who haven’t dealt with emotional abuse will think you should give him a chance at therapy, you should tell them how you feel, etc etc: this does not work with emotional abusers-you’re just giving them a roadmap for what’s important to you and how to manipulate you. Make a plan, call a domestic violence hotline and ask for help with planning and ask for referrals, try not to think about how crazy it is that you’re doing that. But don’t let shame stop you from creating a better life. Multiple people talking to you about this means that it is probably very bad, and I’m so sorry this is happening to you. And abuse is exhausting so you probably don’t feel young, but you are! Many women don’t get out until much later, so try to tell that shame that you’ll deal with it later. For now, you gotta find a way forward. It sounds like there aren’t kids in the picture, which will make everything easier, so please do whatever you need to do to not get pregnant! This is not your fault and you can survive this—and someday you’ll wake up and realize that you don’t have to fight for every little thing and it will open up so much energy and possibility for you. I’ll be thinking of you.

I left an abusive husband at 30; we started dating as young teenagers. Legitimately fled with my daughter in the middle of the night to the police department. He was emotionally abusive from a very early age, subsequently became very violent. I was terrified of leaving, for my daughter’s sake, for my safety (felt strongly he’d kill me, he indeed chased me through town with a gun), and I had no sense of self or vision of my life without him. Guess what? Life without him is fucking great! Ditch this scumbag yesterday and BREATHE EASIER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TEN YEARS. Give yourself this gift. It will never get better. This is not love. Even if this feels like it’ll destroy you financially, trust me, he could make it much, much worse. Cut your losses and GOOOOOO. Imagine how much better you’ll be professionally (and personally) when you don’t have the person who “loves you” terrorizing you and telling you what a piece of shit you are 24/7. Sending you all good thoughts!

I don’t have an answer, but am saying a little prayer for you and sending you good thoughts.

I was with my ex-husband from 18 until 34 – I’d never been an adult on my own. Had no real friends in the city where we lived, my entire support system was 600 miles away. While I can’t speak to needing a new career – I can speak to creating a new life for yourself and IT IS POSSIBLE! Nine years later I have a life I love, in the city which I now love and am now happily married. I never could have imagined this life for myself nine years ago. Sending you good thoughts.

Hi Anon, I’m so sorry to hear about the tough spot you find yourself in. No one ever plans to get themselves in a relationship like that at the start – but sometimes we end up there regardless. Sometimes nothing said by people outside the relationship is enough to convince us leaving is the right thing, but in my experience – sometimes a random comment from a stranger on the internet can be the boost we need (it happened for me). Here’s my story: I spent the first half of my twenties in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship – not as long as you, but hard nonetheless. I never thought of myself as someone who would or could become a victim of domestic violence – but I did. I tried to leave many times. When I finally got out, the universe gave me every sign possible that it was the right thing – I landed an amazing internship, that gave me the experience to land my dream job after graduation; the perfect apartment sublet became available right when I needed it. I hope a similar situation happens for you!! On the flip side, if you don’t leave – your lives will become even more enmeshed. My friend in a similar situation to yours is now stuck. Their business is joint; his family is now her family, and he holds it over her head every chance he gets. It doesn’t end. Final thought: “If you get on the wrong train, get off at the nearest station. The longer it takes you to get off, the more expensive the return trip will be.” Sending all the love and strength your way. You’ve got this xoxo

Hi Anon, I don’t have advice but I wanted to say that I hope you can release yourself from the shame you’re feeling. Your partner’s actions are NOT your fault. Also, not to minimize the big change that is ahead for you, but you are young and life is long and you have PLENTY of time to reimagine what yours looks like. Wishing you courage and compassion for what’s ahead ❤️

Hi Anon, sending you so much love. I don’t have logistical advice as I haven’t been in your exact position. But I’d just encourage you to lean into your support network and maybe tell your mentors you need help planning a way out? Set money aside, etc. I’m sure those you love will really to help. Wishing you peace and freedom. You’ve got this!

Sending so much courage. What’s on the other side: the whole rest of your life. It will be hard, and it will be (so much more than) worth it. You have people rooting for you, right here and IRL too, it sounds like.

Sending you strength and love as you figure out next steps!

Dear anon, Such a brave thing to say. I think realising you’re that you’re in a place that doesn’t feel right is the first step… a close friend has recently separated from her husband who I would say was emotionally abusive. It hasn’t been easy but she is now rediscovering herself – what she loves, what winds her up, just everything. Starting over is never easy but it’s a gift you’re giving to yourself. Be kind to yourself, we all deserve to be loved xxx

Dearest Anon, You are in such a delicate space and all of us are here (from afar) holding it with you. Not for you, WITH you. Your trusted people took a brave step in telling you what they see and you are taking a brave step in considering, reflecting, and orienting in a direction of action. The reason I say holding space WITH you is because no one is coming to save you or stop you and you get to choose your direction. You know, you are beginning to understand, and you are not a victim anymore. I am almost divorced after 18 years of abuse (literally waiting for signatures) and it took a long time to work through what I thought was shame. It’s not shame. It’s the dissonance within ourselves when we believed a situation was one way—when it was very much another—and we believe that we “should” have known or done something. We didn’t understand until now and we are beginning to and we adjust. And it feels scary and painful because it’s unfamiliar. My encouragement is to be strategic and make a plan with trusted people. If you’re not physically in danger (if you are, go now), talk with a financial advisor and an attorney about setting up personal accounts and legally separating yourself from the business situation. This way you have more than just “I’m done” to present to your partner, but a well-thought out plan for separating all the things. You drive the bus. You deserve better. On the other side, who knows? Go listen to Wildflowers by the Wailin’ Jennys and let yourself daydream. Bless you, dear one.

Anon. You could be my mother. What I wouldn’t give to have her had the courage to leave. It sounds like you are struggling with sunk cost. You feel you have lost a 1/3 of your life to this person. Leave now and that value only gets smaller. 1/4 at Forty. 1/5 at Fifty. Look at you go. And know this. No experience is wasted. Leave and you will have forged a path that I promise you, a niece, a daughter, a friend will one day need the directions for and you will have the map to show them through.

It took me a lot of tries to leave. I wish I could tell that person trying that each attempt was kindling, proof of what I could do, not failure. To people with a loved in an abusive relationship, please give them space to try a lot, go back a lot. It was a huge grief when I felt I had to hide from everyone

Dear Anon What KATIE wrote is bang on…. Super ridiculously accurate. I have been there. Bravo to your friends and mentor person who were brave enough to talk to you about it. These people want the best for you. Get out as soon as you possibly can, and before you manage to get out, keep it super quiet. Statistically women are most at risk from their romantic partners when it becomes known that they want to leave the relationship. Squirrel some cash away. I found shame the hardest thing to exorcise, but in truth you couldn’t have managed any better than you have done, because your partner was stacking the odds against you, and using your best attributes (like your hope, your tenacity, your energy to work hard) against you to keep you stuck. I wish you a lucky escape, like my own.

Oh, Anon — *this*, where you are right now, is the hardest time, I promise. Not the separation, the lawyers, the mediation, the paperwork. I remember sitting and looking around the house and wishing it could just go through mitosis: give me two rakes, two can openers, two identical dogs. Can our friends just all be twins so we can divvy them up? The property and business and cars and all of it. The best thing I did — which a friend scheduled and drove me to — was meet with a lawyer. It went from my private shame to realizing that this is SO ROUTINE. They do it every day. They have carried people across this threshold a hundred times or more. What feels impossible is actually a well-worn path and there are so so so many people who want to walk with you. You even said it yourself- that others see, are worried, and worried enough to tell you and help you. You’ve got this. I have had my best day every single day since leaving. Not everyone feels that way of course– but I did and I have a hunch you will, too. When you decide to leave is the most vulnerable moment. Have your go bag ready, tell friends, and then go go go.

I left an abusive 15 year relationship that had me incredibly isolated. We had a shared business, children, endless ties, etc. I had spent over a decade where all of my decisions revolved around him and when I left I lost my friends, my career and was left with a vengeful ex, a lot of drama that I was trying to avoid and had to start everything over. I am telling you all of this because basically everything was as bad as I feared and it was 100% WORTH IT, zero regrets on leaving still to this day the only thing I wish I would have done was left sooner. My point is this, leaving may be as hard and horrible as you think but on the other side I guarantee is a better path for you. Seriously, you can do this. Maybe you need to plan to wait until after summer, maybe you need to line a couple of things up and that is ok, start small, start with your plan right now. Figure out what you are most afraid of and start planning a contingency option so that when you do leave you have a little bit of cushion, something that gets you to the next step or maybe just a giant coffeeshop card for the emotional support lattes you may need. My divorce was devastating financially and for my career but that was much more temporary than the finality of staying in a bad relationship, and I AM digging out and it even on my bad days it is SO MUCH BETTER than the best day of the relationship. You’ve got this, also, feel free to throw messages in the comments in the future if you need a hug or any support from afar, we will be here. There are women who have walked this path and can lend a hand, I promise.

If your mentors are willing to help, start planning the logistics of your exit. How much money will you need to be on your own, how much do you have saved/accessible to you. Even talk to a lawyer to see what your next steps would be if you left. Preparation will help steady the “what-ifs” that come after.

Came back to recommend reading books about brave women! Especially A Wrinkle in Time—it’s all about courage! This line sticks with me: Stay angry, little Meg,” Mrs Whatsit whispered. “You will need all your anger now.

Thank you so much Anon!

Sob – crying with you. Sending love to Palm Springs

I’m sorry for your and your husbands loss. Not from PS but have desert ties. It’s a special place… I can smell the air

These are the moments that make up the puzzle pieces of our lives. Even though they are bitter now, they will become strangely sweet one day. xoxo

The last bit made me cry too. Sending lots of love to you all Sasha.

Sending you love and light

Sending you love. We went to Palm Springs and Twentynine Palms 2 years ago. The desert and mountains felt like home.

Thank you all for the love. Sitting at the airport waiting for our flight. So many things – closure. Warm hugs with so many friends and family we haven’t seen in a very long time. My husband’s childhood friends showed up in droves and that was incredibly special. My mil was a public school teacher and hearing from her former students, and so many teachers that she mentored, allowed us to see the enormous impact she had on so many lives. And hearing several of her grandkids speak about how special she made them feel was beautiful too. But the very best part, for me, was just a kinda normal little family trip with my grandson being adorable and charming and all of us just loving every second with him. Every morning we stole him, so parents could have a break, and took a long walk in the desert before the heat got unbearable. Hummingbirds!! Road runners!!! The date shakes are also awesome.

Oh Wendy you’re pulling at my heartstrings! Is there a site / real estate company you recommend checking? Xx

Hi Andrea, if you are ever interested in Newfoundland happy to connect offline. I am not a realtor, just a Newfoundlander who’d love to welcome others. You can find me @amritaautumn on IG. You can check listings on realtor.ca and also @newfoundlandbuzz on IG for featured properties. Happy dreaming!

We still have it and will do exactly that!!! Thank you for the beautiful idea Kelly ❤️

KIRK !! We need many more Kirks !! Thank you Kirk !!

Our new COJ Trinity: Larry Jesse and Kirk. I like it and got it printed on a grey T-Shirt in yellow letters. It will arrive next week. I feel I need people’s action I adore closer to me these days. And I will add names on this shirt with a fabric pen, because I want this shirt to be covered in goodness.

My family and I just spent Easter long weekend in that area. It was so beautiful and I absolutely looked up houses to buy. We’re living just outside of London and so many people here have never visited that part of the UK; they really are missing out!

I have the same issue

Thanks so much for this response. I’m so glad you finally found a therapist that sees you. I’m a therapist as well and was surprised to see trauma left out of the article. Many now see BPD as less of a personality disorder and more of a manifestation of c-ptsd symptoms. So this article felt…simplistic.

I couldn’t agree more, Kelly. Thank you so much for sharing this extremely important and thoughtful perspective. I work in this area and don’t know a single woman diagnosed with BPD in her youth who wasn’t later re-diagnosed as neurodivergent or complex trauma. The NYT is so dated in their approach to topics like this, it makes me extremely grumpy!

Hi Kelly, thanks for your comment. You’ve likely already read it, but in case you haven’t, radio producer Stephanie Foo’s memoir about complex PTSD is really good. The book is called What My Bones Know. I would recommend it for anyone who wants to learn more about c-PTSD.

I’m so sorry about your misdiagnosis! It’s so hard to talk about personality disorders because so many people have been hurt by a misdiagnosis, but many people (like me) have also been hurt by dysfunctional/ toxic loved ones with personality disorders. And so often no one gives any nuance (like the article’s description of trichotillomania, which sounds completely inaccurate – I’ve done a lot of reading about personality disorders and trichotillomania has NEVER come up as a symptom). I’ve seen people with BPD described as free spirits who “feel more deeply” than other people, which is hurtful for me considering my grandmother had all the hallmarks of BPD and was convinced my brother was demon possessed as a toddler, slut shamed me constantly, and caused multiple family estrangements. (She was never diagnosed with anything because she refused to see a psychiatrist, but there was definitely SOMETHING very wrong there.) But I’ve also read accounts from people with BPD who came from very traumatic upbringings and work hard to end the cycle of generational trauma. It’s such a complex topic! I definitely dislike the gendered terminology like “histrionic personality disorder” (another cluster b personality disorder), although my other grandma definitely shows signs of that as well, like pathological impulsivity – she had 4 bankruptcies due to her massive shopping addiction. Overall I think trauma survivors often get mislabeled or misdiagnosed (I’ve never been diagnosed with C-PTSD, but my therapist says my childhood memory loss points to that more than “just” my ADHD – which itself can also be triggered by C-PTSD.) It hurts to be misunderstood and put down by our caregivers, only to have strangers do the same thing. Sending you good thoughts! We all deserve better.

⬆️⬆️⬆️

Thank you so much for writing this. Honestly I was surprised to see this article linked in the Friday link list, between such light content, without any context. Seemed a bit random for such a nuanced and serious topic. I appreciate more discussion about BPD but I feel it warrants an actual full post, not as part of a list weekend links.

Thank you for sharing Kelly. I love this blog and Jo and the team, but was also surprised to see this link. As a therapist working with neurodivergent individuals, the misdiagnosis of BPD in women when they are, in fact, neurodivergent, often diagnosed later in life – after feeling like there is something ‘wrong’ with them and their BPD diagnosis never quite fits – is huge. I also appreciate your vulnerability in sharing your traumatic childhood. Trauma is often completely overlooked. I’m so glad you found a therapist who made you feel seen.

I’m going to preface this by admitting that I didn’t read the NYT article, because simply reading the headline caused me to burst into tears, so please understand that I’m responding the these comments only, not the article. I empathize deeply with the struggle of misdiagnosis, and I’m so sorry you dealt with the stigma of a BPD label when that didn’t fit your profile. I myself have c-PTSD stemming from childhood abuse, and it’s been the struggle of my lifetime to understand that my anxiety, OCD, memory issues, and more are not personality flaws, but stem from trauma. The issue I want to bring up is that it wasn’t until I learned about BPD and was able to contextualize my mother’s behavior as a manifestation of that illness that I was able to begin to heal. Reading everything I could about being raised by a person with BPD helped me feel less alone, less confused, and most importantly, gave me my power back after 4 decades of being used as an emotional punching bag/parentified child for my own mother. I suddenly understood her seemingly random attacks of rage, the darkness in her eyes when she “split,” her ability to swing wildly from waiflike helplessness to overbearing abuser. Critically, learning about BPD has helped me to forgive myself, as much as any child needs to be forgiven for a problem they did not create. I’ve begun (emphasis on *begun*) to shed the weight of responsibility I felt for ever being able to “fix” her. Imagine a 10 year old child being told – if it weren’t for your love, I would kill myself. Then an hour later being raged at, told she is ungrateful, she’s a horrible daughter, she’s fundamentally flawed. Imagine the grief of having a mother who is physically present, but emotionally absent, who can’t be trusted to support, who essentially abandons their child again and again, including multiple suicide attempts. I know a lot of people go through similar situations with substance-abusing parents and other mental illnesses, but understanding the profile of BPD, whether it’s valid or not, gave me the keys to understanding my mother. Two things can be true at once: yes, she was suffering through her own mental illness, which itself stemmed from childhood abuse. And yes, I did not deserve to suffer alongside her. I don’t say all of this to unload my own issues on anyone reading, but in the hope that others may be able to gain insight into their own situation. Whether or not BPD is “real,” those of us who’ve dealt with family and bearing its hallmarks deserve some framework for understanding their behaviors. For those dealing with this complicated issue, I recommend the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells,” and the Reddit community “RaisedByBorderlines.” Both have helped me immensely, and in both I have seen many instances of respect for the trauma endured by individuals with BPD, alongside recognition that mistreatment of others is never okay.

Thanks for this very thoughtful comment – you must have really taken time and consideration to put it together. I benefited a lot from your thoughts and experiences. I’ve followed some of the links/topics mentioned by you and other commenters, so I’ve got some more research to look into. This will help me to be a better parent and friend!

Thank you for these eye opening insights!

Thank you Kelly.

Hi Anonymous, I just wanted to say as someone raised by a mother with suspected BPD, my experience is so similar to yours. I appreciate you giving words to something I was having a hard time articulating myself. Understanding my mother through the lens of BPD has given me more empathy, for her, but also for myself and what conditions I grew up under. The community you mentioned on Reddit has been a massive gift, and I’d recommend it to anyone reading who may have been raised in similar circumstances.

Kelly, I so wish my daughter knew you in real life and that we could talk about where you found the correct diagnosis and help. My daughter experienced trauma in her first two years and again in her teens. At puberty, trich hit (still very much part of her life) and there was also a period of cutting. I think c-PTSD is probably the correct diagnosis, although she has received alphabet soup from early childhood. Your post gave me hope and some thoughts about how to help her.

@Mary Mary, I figured out a way for us to get in touch that protects our anonymity here: https://forms.gle/BvSGSSFVrRz7bvVy6 Feel free to reach out. I’d be happy to chat with you and/or your daughter to share my experience sans advice ❤️

I came here to leave a similar comment – BPD is often given as a diagnosis to women who are seen as ‘difficult’ or ‘resistent’ or ‘hostile’ during mental health treatment despite that behaviour being part of their other illness and/or entirely justified (eg the therapist being misogynistic, not listening, not understanding). There is also a massive overlap between women diagnosed with BPD and women who are undiagnosed with ADHD. The BPD and ADHD symptom list is a huge crossover venn diagram.

it made me tear up!! <3

Why am I certain that, “Be rowdy — Kirk” is going to be the next, “do it for Larry!” around these parts???!!! Let’s put it on a hat, y’all.

I came here to note the same thing. I want it as a t-shirt.

Yes!!!! Let’s hear it for the Kirk’s!!