Everything You Do Is Good.

Oh Gigi this broke my heart to read. I don’t know if you will ever see this now months after your original comment but I wanted to reach out and say that noone who can say that to you is your friend. Rather than letting this person change your opinion of your letters and poems and interests let their response change your view of their opinion. If something matters to someone you love it matters to you and the fact that he could respond so coldly and unkindly to your love and your efforts tells me that he is not capable of giving you what you deserve, and he does NOT deserve your attention. There will be someone out there who will appreciate your love and whimsy and poetry and who will SWOON to have poems and letters written for them. Find that person! Don’t give up on your imagination and dream.

I am so sorry for all the typos. English is not my first language but I usually do a much better job at writing in english. I have slept maybe 12 hours since last thursday, and I did not read again before posting, so it is also incoherent. Again, I am very sorry.

Hello Marie, I am so sorry you are going through this. But you got this. Instead of thinking about next week, next month, next year, take baby steps and focus hour and hour/ day by day. My husband was once going through a mental health episode and I thought I had to break up and walk out and was on phone with a home leasing company and I started crying over the phone. The lady who spoke to was so tender and sweet. See the bright spots and chose your people and you will come out of this stronger

I’m so sorry Marie, it really sucks❤‍🩹 Sending you a big hug🫂

Check out the Crappy Childhood Fairy (Anna Runkle) podcast or her YouTube channel. Silly name, haha but she is wonderful at coaching people through trauma and helping them reclaim agency over their lives.

Cait, I experience hormonal anxiety myself–about a week before my period I’ll have a couple days of just crazy anxiety and have to remind myself in a few days, none of the things I’m turning over and over in my brain would even register. So sometimes I’ll just write down a note to myself about whatever anxiety is spiraling around my brain and tell myself I can relook at it in a couple days if I need to. Let’s me put it down and it’s almost never something that’s still an issue 48 hours later! Also, maybe more pertinently, my sister had a really intense mental health dip after weaning her first child and if I’m remembering correctly, it also happened again after her second. When it happened the first time, I’d remembered something I’d read here on CupofJo about someone saying they hadn’t experienced the postpartum blues but they’d been just completely knocked sideways after stopping breastfeeding, so while I wasn’t able to fix it for her, I was able to hold her hand and remind her it was just her body/hormones recalibrating, other women have experienced it too, and it wouldn’t feel like this forever. Hope you can feel my hand across the distance as I tell you the same–this won’t last forever!

Hi Cait. Sending strength your way! I have been through a similar postpartum experience, struggling with anxiety, insomnia, unstable moods/extreme emotional drops that would seemly come from nowhere, after the birth of my daughter in Sept 24. Eventually I was able to notice a pattern that the symptoms always synced to the final two weeks of my menstrual cycle and was following some patterns of PMDD (which apparently can be brought on my the huge hormonal shifts of pregnancy/postpartum). I had the mirena coil fitted last autumn, and have found this has helped to level out the extremes I experience in my cycle, so it may be helpful to look into PMDD and speak to your doctor about whether a form of hormonal birth control could help. I hope you’re able to find something that helps you navigate this very soon – it’s immensely difficult to go through whilst caring for a little one.

You ARE a good mom, and you’re doing the hard work of learning about yourself and how you show your emotions. Please know that by “messing up” in front of her, you’ve actually done her a great service – she now knows you’re not perfect, and that adults can mess up and move on with an apology. Big hugs to you!

Oh Maximum, just sending you love. That sucks But life is bloody hard. I did share this elsewhere, but I feel like you might benefit from hearing this. I’m 52, and last year I went to dinner with five women. This is a weird coincidence because I know suicide isn’t popular – but my mum attempted suicide aged 52, two of my friend’s mum committed suicide in their late forties and the other age 52, and one other had a nervous breakdown. How many of us lost our mums too early because menopause changes us in ways we can’t help? But we can help ourselves now … go and see your doctor and find what will work for you. There’s so much research being done now, so many different ways that you can support yourself. Being honest about our struggles I think ca bring us closer as a family – just as you would want to help your daughter if she were in need, you have no reason to doubt that she wants to be here for you now (and your husband) – supporting one another to be our best is what makes a strong and loving family. xoxoxox Good luck, and again, sending love.

Look up PMDD. Getting a diagnosis and meds to help changed my life.

Hi, I’ve had a similar experience to yours, Anon. I have PMDD (along with bipolar 2). Medication and therapy changed my life. I used to think that a complete and total meltdown every month that damaged myself and my loved ones was normal and expected. I once screamed at a lady at Hobby Lobby (for cutting me in line and making a snide remark about my fussy toddler) in front of my kids and then drove like a total maniac to get home and further meltdown with my kids watching in absolute terror. I have conflated that behavior with who I really am as a person. Uncovering the true reasons for my emotions and leveling out my day to day with medication means I live a much calmer life that shows my true self. When I’ve melted down in front of the kids, I’ve explained that my brain works differently and sometimes I need help with my big emotions. Now I have the tools to actually stop any thought processes like this and self regulate effectively. It was like the PMDD ruled my whole life and I couldn’t even get out of that loop of misery. I feel for you. Parenting is tough and adding mental health issues makes it harder. The upside is showing your kids that you’re making an effort to get help and talking honestly about what you’re going through will give them the confidence to address their own challenges (mental health or otherwise) later in life. I wish you good health, love, and the perseverance and humor (at least you don’t shop at hobby Lobby? lol) to meet this challenge.

+100 to Laura’s comments. You are demonstrating repair, which is so much better than always aiming for perfection. And have you looked into hormone replacement at all? All my perimenopausal friends and I have had issues with either anxiety or rage, and hormones have helped SO much. Big big hugs to you and please remember the 99.9% of the time that you’re an amazing mom outweighs a small moment.

Still holds up! https://cupofjo.com/2011/11/03/do-you-worry-too-much/

Love that! Will start using this in my life as I do tend to worry too much about every single thing!

Your comment was posted, and it was commented upon.

Hi – I read your comment when posted yesterday. Still in the thread if you load more comments. x

Just wanted to make sure you knew that your comment was definitely there a few days ago! Happy Passover season!

Hi anon. Your comment was published yesterday; I recall reading it and considering whether or not to reply. I’m a longtime reader and also identify as Jewish. I politely disagree. As a Jewish reader, I have felt seen of late on COJ. Joanna habitually recognizes an array of holidays celebrated by numerous religions in her Friday link list. Seeing as Passover is an eight day holiday, I wouldn’t have expected her to say anything on night one, mid-week and she did mention happy Passover and Easter wishes to those who celebrate the respective holidays. I think it’s important to recognize that, while COJ has an uncanny ability to make so many of us feel seen, we, as millions of readers (so many of whom do not comment), are not individually known. For Joanna and writers to have such a strong pulse on the readership and what will resonante with us is both a remarkable skill, honed over time and years of professional dedication, as well as some stroke of luck. There are hits (viral series, mental health posts, political pieces, etc.) and there are occasional misses (those who have the opposite political views of said political piece, a sponsored post or expensive link that strikes a chord, etc.) My point, which again, I aim to be compassionate with, is that it is not possible for each one of us to receive everything we need from COJ. For one, we are too numerous and anonymous that to appeal to each perspective and personality would be impossible. Beyond that, particularly in instances of political, religious, current states of affairs, or other deeply personal matters, COJ is not inherently a political, religious, or news site. It’s a women’s lifestyle site that feels authentic because it recognizes the political views, religious values, and current events that make us complex women. I suppose what I’m trying to say [and I worry not so coherently] is that, like in a friendship or relationship, no one blog [or person] can be everything to everyone. And that’s ok. We can celebrate and cherish the myriad times we feel deeply understood and special, and also have grace for the times when we may wish things were a little different. And in those times, it’s warranted to offer respectful, constructive criticism while acknowledging that we still may not be satisfied with the result. I appreciate your closing thought, and truly admire and appreciate your work as a LCSW (my mom is an MSW; what a valuable and much-needed skillset in today’s world!). I, too, am grateful for the frequent posts on COJ checking in on mental health and offering stories of women strong and brave enough to be willing to share their own mental health experiences. It has helped bring comfort to my own persistent depressive disorder, and offer valuable insight as a teacher and friend into anxiety, infertifilty, and more. xo

Claire, your response was absolutely amazing! I feel like I could cut and paste it for almost any quandary… and it would always point me in a good direction. Thank you…

Thank you, Claire – your comment is helpful and helps me appreciate this site in a more useful (to me) way.

ooo thanks for these!

I agree with all of this. I worry about the planet – but I also take flights and eat meat and drive a car and get a very expensive medication delivered monthly for my son that comes in a terribly wasteful styrofoam cooler. I am also paying my taxes, though I admire so much people like Rachel Cohen who are drawing a clear line in the sand. I think Meta is evil, and yet, I haven’t (fully) quit Instagram or WhatsApp. I think AI is even worse, but I asked Claude to help me plan a trip to Philadelphia last weekend. I am crushed – crushed – by anxiety, all the time. Fascism, AI, climate, oligarchy. I look at my kids sometimes (a lot of times) and I genuinely feel despair. But the piece about being a tiny bit congruent – that also matters, I think (I hope?). My entire career has been focused on women’s rights, and even though I was fired by this Admin and continue to have to pivot, I will not stop. I recycle and switched my family to Blueland and compost and write to big pharma to ask them to use biodegradable styrofoam. I have always paid above fair wage for child care. I protest, I vote, I read, I donate on Oath, where every dollar goes much (much) further). We have almost entirely cut out red meat, and eat vegetarian 3x a week. We have not spent a dime at Amazon or Target since January 2025 – and I donated the proceeds of canceling Prime and One Medical to hyper-local journalism. I subscribed to the Atlantic after Signalgate and Vanity Fair after that amazing photo spread. I continue to subscribe to WaPo, because it’s my neighbors’ employer, and to the NYT because as much as I get frustrated with it sometimes, it remains a trusted source. We have long avoided Walmart, Hobby Lobby, and Chic-Fil-A. I stopped buying clothes, unless my kids truly have outgrown and need something. We recently cleaned out our kids’ closets and toy box and donated every beautiful, well kept thing to a local DV shelter. For the small stock portfolio we have, I’m looking at ETFs that do not include oil, arms companies, tobacco, or AI (this has been really hard). I hired an accountant to help me figure out exactly what I owe to the penny – so I don’t pay the federal government one dime more. What I hope is most important: I talk to people about this, all the time. I talk to my kids about what it means to live your values and how to stand up for others. I talk to neighbors and talk them into protesting with me. I try to be a good friend and to do good together – attend author events, go to women-owned restaurants, go for long walks and also pick up the trash along the way. I talk up my former colleagues and try to help them land new jobs in our (destroyed) sector. I always agree to coffees with young people to encourage them to do things they care about. Is any of it enough? No. But I refuse to be changed, made helpless, or be made to feel (more) powerless. So tilting at windmills I go. And I imagine – so does a LOT of this community.

Wow, do I feel this. You said this so well, without judgement and with so much compassion. I talk to my husband weekly about the incongrity of our lives. I am involved in sustainability efforts, host repair fairs, etc, and still I know many of my actions inadvertently cause harm to so many around the world. I pass by unhoused people weekly and do nothing. I mostly buy secondhand, but I do not ensure every item I purchase was made ethically. I don’t quite know what the answer is. I have enough but i’m so worried about losing the tiny bit of security I do have, that I am not willing to make the bigger sacrifices and give up comfort and convenience. I am more vocal about this than most, but i’m scared to go it alone. I would be willing to make bigger changes if I knew other people were with me.

I so appreciate you sharing your honest thoughts on this, thank you

Beautifully put. Thanks for putting words to some of the internal struggles I, too, felt reading this essay!

My best friend is a labor organizer for grad students, and she told me this real life parable: There were some workers’ rights activists from the states who’d flown into Indonesia (I think? Maybe Bangladesh) to help support some anti-sweatshop activism there. The person in charge of the movement there happened to be wearing a Nike shirt. One of the Americans asked about that dissonance. The man said (I’m paraphrasing from the jelly computer in my head): “This shirt? A shirt doesn’t matter. A hundred shirts don’t matter. Wear the shirt, don’t wear the shirt, everything stays the same. You’ve been told to pay attention to leaves scattering in the street, so you don’t save the tree.” That metaphor is mine, because I can’t remember the actual one, but it’s not meant to dismiss individual effort. It just means that individual actions without collective focus are not effective, and they waste expensive human energy, like attention and time. I’m not saying no one should boycott on their own, or that there’s no value to making small changes. Of course there is. But the people in power want us to keep fighting the forest fire with our own individual spray bottles. (To switch metaphors.) It’s tiring, inefficient, and most importantly, keeps our hands full so we don’t collectively go tear down the dam that would put the fire out. All of which is to say: it’s important to be clear about what choices you’re making for your own heart’s comfort, and which ones you’re making for impactful change. Organized boycotts are great for impact; ongoing, personal boycotts are for your own wellbeing. It’s fine to do both, as long as you don’t mistake them for each other. Joining an organization and asking the people already doing that work what they need the most is probably the best use of your energy. And if a group of people with a bulldozer ask you to toss your spray bottle aside and go help them demo the dam, don’t cling to it and claim to still be helping, eh?

Kara that was brilliant, thank you.

This is how I’ve been thinking about “goodness” lately too, so I appreciate this comment and thread a lot.

I think that you are being hard on yourself and what you do that is good is incrementally getting better. Can you eat other protein sources than meat? Do you vote in line with your values? [Remember is it a bus getting you closer not a taxi right to your door.] Do you deliberately speak to girl and boy [and other] children in a way that doesn’t reinforce gender stereotypes? Are you kind to those who are different than you? Have you contacted your elected officials? Donated to a charity whose mission you believe in? Volunteered? I suspect that you are living more in keeping with your values than you think. p.s. I work for an energy company (renewable and not) and I assure you that we DO believe in climate change, using the best possible technology and also that the world needs affordable energy.

I agree with Kara and think it’s important to recognize that for us who live the U.S., our systems work very hard against doing good. I think of individual actions in two ways: 1) For your personal wellbeing. Do the things that make you feel good, don’t despair. 2) As inspiration for others. I read somewhere about a person’s “climate shadow” rather than footprint. Your actions can have an inspirational effect on people around you. One person can’t push a boulder. Collective action is what will make large rocks move. Definitely work to unseat our senate and president. And know that we live in an extremely capitalist society that puts profit above all else. Meta’s profits are more important to our gov’t leaders than people having healthcare and food. I come from a family that’s both democrat and republican, and even my republican relatives are now horrified by the direction of the country. Do what you can, take good care of yourself, and join with others xo

Claire! I’ve just made a huge and impactful professional decision. I’m standing on the other side of the chasm to tell you that things are really really good when you make choices that actually work for you. Be brave! Do what you think will feel best! I trust you and so should you!

Oh wow. I feel this so deeply. Grad school propelled my anxiety into overdrive, and I seriously regret not going on my anti anxiety medication until after I finished it at 30. My 28 year old self would have been so so so much better off. I suffered so much unnecessarily, and definitely took it out on my friends and family, which I really regret. Cheers to us for finally figuring it out though!

Wow. I feel this deeply at 30. How did you feel it affected you and your husband? I often wondering if our problems as newlyweds is a result of my anxiety.

This is the first Anon responding to the second Anon’s question about anxiety’s affects on my early marriage (we married at 30, when I was deep in the untreated anxiety): it absolutely made everything much harder. I would take a real issue and conclude that it was a huge problem, in part because that helped me make sense out of how awful I felt. Thank god he is a good and patient man. Our marriage became so lovely as I started getting the treatment I needed. Sending you good wishes for your own health and marriage!

I would love to hear about this- I’m coming off Lexapro and it’s been a bumpy ride.

I’m on the same journey right now, tapering off sertraline. I tried once before and went too fast, so I’m going really slowly this time and it’s so much more manageable.

Yes! I had to do the ‘bead counting’ method to come off Effexor, and I even had to switch from Pristiq to Effexor to do so because Pristiq didn’t come in low enough doses. I had to be especially slow because coming on and off antidepressants unmasked bipolar type II (hypomania). It took a very long time and the withdrawal was hard. Thanks for sharing about this, it’s important.

Thank you for this. I don’t know why doctors aren’t educated on this issue. I tried getting off lexapro once and it was bad. I will try again this summer going super slowly this time.

I am sorry to hear you are having awful withdrawal effects and hope it gets better and you feel relief soon.

Thank you for this. And I had a good cry.

Yes. This.

Cannot more highly recommend looking up Helena Bonham Carter reading this. O!

Oof, every time this poem gets me! I’ve been in rocky spot for a few weeks (PMDD? Perimenopause? The world? Spring?!) and in an effort to curb my phone use in bed, I bought the Blue Horses poem collection by Mary Oliver (which has Wild Geese) and have been reading at least 1 poem before bed. And wow, they really hit different when one is already tender. So good.

<3 Good is overrated. Thanks for this poem. (But goodness Mary Oliver is good ;))

Sprinted to the comments to share this poem, only to see someone beat me to it. Great minds and tender hearts think alike.

You are cut out for the road ahead, mama. You’ll put one foot in front of the other. You’ll breathe in a deep breath, hold and then release. You are stronger than you know.

Chloe, congratulations! You are eligible to start seeing a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health during your pregnancy and for a year after you give birth. It’s covered by many insurance plans during this timeline. I didn’t know it was available during my first pregnancy until after I delivered–and I wish I had already built up my toolkit. You are cut out for the road ahead, but your tools might not be–you may need additional types of mood-boosters, and I found it to be really helpful to build these with a perinatal specialist. Wishing you all the best (and hope your symptoms subside soon).

The second trimester is so much easier than the first. Get as much rest as you can and pamper yourself as much as possible. You can do this!

Hi Chloe, Without knowing you one bit, I can tell you you’re definitely cut out for this! Parenthood is hard for everyone, in different ways. I was sooo anxious with my pregnancies as well as post partum. I urge you to tell your friends you’re pregnant and that you feel like absolute shit, and if they want they can come over and watch tv and sip ginger sparkling water with you and keep the scaries away. Now is no time to wall yourself off from your community! Speaking of community, the wonderful mom friends I have collected through the different phases are the second best part of parenting. You’re already a great mom, just keep going. xo

I echo Court! TELL YOUR PEOPLE! They want to support you. The tradition of not telling early just means that if anything does go wrong, there’s no one there to help you through. Your people want to know you — who you actually are, what’s really going on, how you feel. They want to show up for YOU in ways that help. As a person with two young kids, if I could go back to where you are now and change one thing, I’d ask for and accept help more readily. Parenting is hard. We’re all here to work together.

With both my pregnancies, I found the first trimester the hardest by far. Part of it is the isolation (much of it was the fatigue, which can feel like depression…I can’t imagine throwing sickness into the mix). The second time around, I told everyone right away and that helped. Everything is better with community/friends/sympathy. Day by day. Also, ask your OB about options for anti-nausea meds if you haven’t already! And try acupuncture for the anxiety and nausea. You’ve got this.

Blown away by the kind responses to this post. Thank you all so so much

Cheering you on! It’s so hard to put one foot in front of the other while feeling nauseated and tired. Echoing others who have encouraged sharing your news with whoever you feel comfortable doing so with. I had a bumpy road to my first baby and while it felt rebellious and scary to share my pregnancy news early, it was so incredible to have support around me during those hard early days. You’re doing a great job, you are already a great mom!

I had what sounds Iike a similar issue with my teeth for years! After multiple endodontists told me that all was ok with my teeth, and after waiting a year to meet with a specialist at UPenn, I finally learned that it’s actually referred pain from my neck! Neck PT was a huge help.

This is so good! Because it turns out I DID end up with cancer. And it turns out life just kept on happening on the other side. I remind myself that I have survived 100% of the things that happened to me! All of that anxiety came, moved in, moved out. And I’m still here.

This all reminds me of something my therapist suggested recently—he said that instead of throwing a blanket on how I was feeling and calling it anxiety, to think about the more specific emotion. For me, it seems to be fear, so rather than telling myself to be calm or not worried or whatever, I’ve started telling myself that I want to be brave. As a fellow cancer survivor, I definitely identify with feeling like welll the bad thing happened and you know what? I was brave as shit about it and continue to just get on with things—I sometimes read British novels just to get some of that make a cup of tea and keep moving attitude! So maybe I can’t become not anxious, but I can have courage.

you’re a wonderful mama. what a blessing to have her share that with you now. you are exactly the mother she needs, her one and only.

Yes, totally! The DARE app/method is a lifesaver for me as it teaches this approach.

💜

Sending you love. That sounds so hard. You’re going to figure it out.

@Anon, I have very much been there. It can be so hard to leave a relationship that isn’t good for you, and yet. Trust yourself. There is light and love on the other side of this, waiting for you. There is light and love inside of you that you cannot see right now, but it is there. Courage, dear heart. You are stronger than you know.

The weeks before and after I decided to move forward with my divorce were the worst, and everyone said (including on this blog) to hang in there and that there would be peace and love on the other side and they were right- ya’ll were right! There is also anxiety and uncertainty for sure, but the peace and love and personal growth are 💯 worth it.

Bea, take what’s useful here and leave the rest behind, but we did this! We spent every weekend together, trading cities each time, mostly, and had check-ins every 90 days to interrogate “how is this really going?”. It was the launch pad to my wife’s rocket-like career unfolding, even though it was really, really hard for me to leave my job nine months later and move to her city, because, well, we missed being together. Hope there’s something helpful for you here!

I don’t know if you want advice, so ignore me if you don’t, but my only advice would be to put an end date on it. In my personal experience and just what I’ve seen in my life, long distance only works when there’s an agreed-upon end date. And at that end date, one person moves to be with the other. I think distance can totally work, but it can’t be open-ended.

Super helpful. Thank you both. I agree, the communication would be very important. It would probably be 2-3 years. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong choice, which is what makes it hard.

Yes, internal vibration is a actually a common symptom in folks with long covid, ME/CFS and POTS!

A lot of people also report heightened or new onset anxiety after Covid! I had panic attacks and intrusive anxious thoughts for several years before I figured out that it was a post-Covid thing. Doing some extra inflammation support helped me get back to normal. Not a fun time!

I’m so sorry, Victoria xoxo sending so much love to you.

Absolutely second this! EMDR changed my life. It’s not only for those who’ve experienced one traumatic event; it can process various memories or even old feelings that continue to cause panic responses, irrational anger, etc. This is SO worth looking into for those with ongoing anxiety or “triggers” that cause outsized emotional responses. An acquaintance mentioned EMDR to me as a therapy that turned her life around and I’ll be forever grateful for her recommendation.

This. I had out-of-control medical anxiety for most of my life and I had one little EMDR session with my therapist, who had some experience but wasn’t even an official practitioner, and it worked! My medical anxiety was so bad that doctors would laugh at me because it was so much worse than theirs! (How do they even do what they do?) That was six years ago, and while I still have it to some degree, I can control it better. One session with her changed my life.

Absolutely agree, I read all Matt Haig’s books, fiction and non-fiction, when I was going through a tough time and they really helped me deal with things.

Totally recommend these as well! I often give the Midnight Library as a gift to friends who are unsure about which life decision to make.

Literally right there with you!

Babe, run. Do not have children with someone who has anger issues. If it’s within your means I’d seriously consider freezing eggs or having a child on your own. -signed someone who now knows better

Girl. I feel the pressure and anxiety about this too, having just ended a relationship at 35. My ex is a good person but was just truly awful at dealing with conflict — highly reactive, defensive, unable to hear me, etc. I didn’t want to bring children into that even if I’m stressed about my timeline. Reading your comment, I imagine that a lifetime of dealing with unresolvable anger issues is going to drain you so much. What if your “golden retriever” guy is right around the corner? Or even just a couple years away? I wish you the best stepping into the unknown. We will be okay!

Also — From a fellow extremely type A person, I feel the exact same frustration when life gets messy. But you’re not an idiot — you’re human. There’s no way to know at the start how things are going to turn out. You’ve done your best!

I’m so sorry. Being around angry men puts my body through so much stress and anxiety. Being hyper attuned to the changes in his mood. I hope you take your situation very seriously and prioritize peace in your life. Love brings out the fool in all of us. It’s part of being human and nothing to be ashamed of.

sometimes it’s the most typical people with the healthiest upbringings that can find themselves in an abusive relationship or other situation of coercive control like a high control group. partly it’s because those people have no real reason to be wary or on guard for abusive or dangerous treatment! you are not stupid at all. you sound like you might be on the verge of a real rebirth, which is painful. but you might find that letting go of the hardest thing to let go of lets you find yourself. you can handle this. hold on and see what’s in store for you.

Anon again – EMJORT this was me. Or, I thought it was until I realized that my dad’s (non violent, non aggressive) alcoholism and my moms ability to disappear that problem made me think I could “solve” and bear anything. Boy did becoming a mom make clear that wasn’t true. I couldn’t fix him, everything got worse, and my shame and self blame went through the roof. So I will say it again, this time with caps: BABE, RUN

Agree with everyone here. End this relationship as soon as you can. You’ve put a lot of work into fixing it and it hasn’t work. Relationships are generally easier before marriage. You want a child. Think about how a child will be affected by this. Once you have a child with this person you will be stuck with him in your life. You aren’t stupid. You are human and kind. You wanted to make it work with this person.

Bless you! You’re not an idiot, you probably love really deeply and genuinely believe that you can be the one for whom a person will change. You deserve to choose yourself. You deserve someone who changes their life because they’re inwardly motivated to do it, and can then meet you from their healthy place. Perhaps this person cares for you, but doesn’t have the capacity to love you in the way that you need. That hurts deeply and also it’s ok that they don’t have the capacity for it—it’s radically compassionate to let all of that be felt together. It sounds like the relationship isn’t working for you and ultimately, it’s not working for the other person either if they are struggling and not growing. Sending hugs!

My dad had really intense anger issues when I was growing up and experiencing this first hand and watching my mom go through the ups and downs you describe here was enough to make me think I would never get married. However, I found the sweetest man and am so thankful to no longer deal with this (plus my dad finally found medication that is working for him, but not until I was in my 30s). Agree with others – time to move on and be free. I often think of what my brilliant mom would have done on her own or with a kinder partner. I am happy you still have this choice.

Speaking as someone who is 40 and wasted far too many years on the wrong person, I beg you not to have a sunk cost fallacy prevent you from leaving now. You have time for a brand new fabulous life on the other side.

Oof. This one hits home. I married this guy and had 2 kids with him. The extent of his CPTSD and addiction only came out after our first child was born. There were clues and red flags, but I ignored them I guess. Or he was just very good at distracting me with charm and love bombing. So now here I am, married with 2 kids, to a man who cannot participate in our life in any meaningful way and who blames me for many of mental health struggles. He has issues with man of my family members and friends who he has decided have treated him poorly and disrespectfully and so I feel isolated. I’m not perfect, I’ve lied to him out of fear, i can be cold and avoidant. But As a high functioning, creative, talented, smart, capable and successful woman, I am MORTIFIED that this is my life. But maybe everything I do is good?

Just adding to the chorus to say a better life is waiting for you out there. It shouldn’t be this hard. Think about how much energy you spend on him in a week; think about how much of that energy is anticipating his moods, responses, how he’ll feel about your actions so you try to micromanage yourself, squeezing yourself into smaller and smaller shapes. It doesn’t have to be like that. It shouldn’t be like that. 33 is young and you have so much ahead of you, and the stress of living with someone like that won’t help any possible fertility issues-the stress will wreck your body. You deserve a big full life, not walking on eggshells.

My BFF is in the same boat and it breaks. my. heart. I’ve known that her wife has had anger issues for years, and she’s finally coming to a point where she might get divorced (I hope). The wild thing is that she’s also very type A and perfectionistic and it makes me wonder if the two are related? That perfectionistic people might gravitate toward angry partners because that feels familiar. The perfectionism probably stems from a caregiver that you couldn’t disappoint so you’d walk on eggshells and try to be perfect to avoid the outbursts. So she’s in similar dynamic with her partner now and it makes me so sad. I know she deserves better and you do too. I could write an essay here in the comment section but I’ll leave you with this: leaving a toxic relationship is a success not a failure. Sending love <3

To Alex—it sounds like you are very clear eyed about what’s going on. I hope the mortified feelings do not persist as it is understandable why you’d feel that way, but not your fault that you wanted to see the best in the father of your kids. I hope there is a path out of the fear that you mentioned, and that your children can also feel safe.

Echoing others – please, please, please leave. Your situation described mine to a T. This is the standard cycle of abuse and I endured this for 8 years before finally ending it for good (tried many, many times over the years but he always managed to lure me back in with his ability to truly describe his own failings and issues, cry vulnerably, promise to try better, etc. Yet after brief periods of a wonderful relationship, the awful behaviour would resurface and we’d be back at square one again). So I believe you when you say that you love the person he is when he’s at his best! But it’s likely that this will not improve -and likely get worse as you move further away from the “honeymoon” phase of a relationship (I’m talking 5, 10, 15 years in – when life is REAL and you have kids, bills to pay, balancing work and family life, etc. etc.). It’s absolutely never too late to take a chance for greater happiness – and I’m sending you so much love and strength as you weigh this decision right now. There is a better partner out there for you – but you won’t find them if you stay in this relationship! Also – smart, strong women get stuck in these relationships ALL the time – so please don’t feel shame in that. I would put myself in that category too and similarly felt shame. I’m an extroverted, outspoken, strong-willed, opinionated, high achieving feminist – and also a litigator for a living! Yet I let that man be part of my life for way too many years and still have nightmares about him 20 years later. It can happen to anyone unfortunately :( Please allow yourself to release that shame.

Cosign this! I dip my face in a bow of ice water and it immediately calms my nervous system down.

I’ve read that eating a peppermint works too in a pinch.

Also eating a sour jelly candy – a method available almost everywhere, or breathing in a square while mentally counting to 5: inhale-push-exhale-pause, etc. Methods from DBT therapy.

Ice pack masks!

Yes, your first point is so important for panic attacks. See similar advice here: https://www.anxietycoach.com/anxietytrick.html

have you seen the inside out 2 movie? my kids love it, and it’s basically about exactly this! the story builds to the main character having a panic attack until all her parts…well, if you haven’t seen it, you should! apparently they had really great psychologists consulting to make the movie. she ends up being able to focus on sights, sounds, textures, and she can accept and integrate all her emotions, and ultimately accept herself as a flawed and valuable human being. it’s SO GOOD.

Yes!! I started zoloft 3 years ago for anxiety and overthinking and did not cry at dear brother in laws unexpected death or my mother in-laws. At the time it was nice not to fall apart but I tired of having my emotions SO blunted. I was on what my brother (a provider) called ‘and 8 year old dose’, but it affected me deeply. I recently stopped it. At the time I started it, I was under a lot of pressure at work and now am retired.

I am on 10 mg of Lexapro and I can still cry, if that helps.

On 25 mg of Zoloft (for 3 yrs) for anxiety and have no problem crying at my usual triggers (sappy kids movies, etc 😆)

I’m interested to hear others’ responses. I take Zoloft, and it’s helped my anxiety for sure, but I do feel a bit…numb. Like I don’t feel extremes of any emotion, which is, I guess, the point, but sometimes I miss feeling those strong emotions (including the good ones).

Hi Anna! I was on Lexapro about a decade ago and had the same experience. I didn’t cry the whole time I was on it (about three years), whereas when not depressed I’ll often have a small cry about something about once a week and afterwards feel much better. :-) I also couldn’t really ever feel deep sadness or joy. Hope that helps.

I don’t have personal experience with this but listen to Glennon Doyle’s podcast we can do hard things and she has talked about it. Wishing you all the best, Anna.

Anna, yes, this can certainly happen with various psych meds, especially antidepressants and anti anxiety ones. It happens to me. It can be deeply annoying, but I have found the trade off of not being able to cry easily when something moves me to is 100% worth it for the comfort of knowing I will be able to stop crying and/or feeling like trash when I do (occasionally) still feel the symptoms that brought me here in the first place. Finding the right balance of meds is, of course, a very personal journey, but you’re in good company. Sending love.

Yes. That used to happen to me in the first year or so that I started taking Zoloft. Tweaking the dose down a little helped with that. It took awhile to settle on an optimal dose.

Yes, same! 50 mg zoloft is my dose and I used to be the BIGGEST cryer- right from childhood, in elementary school I cried literally every day. Now only the very saddest of movie or TV scenes will get me. I weirdly miss it a little? Once in a while a good cry is really cathartic! But it is far out weighed by having an even keel for every day stuff.

Yes, I had the same experience on Lexapro. Like another reader said, it was nice to not fall apart in certain situations but it did make me feel a bit disassociated or numb. I’ve now been on a newer med, Vortioxitine, and have found my emotions much more accessible—in a comforting way. Might be worth experimenting with different doses or different meds with your doctor.

Same! I have realized over time that all forms of caffeine make me feel like I’m having the tiiiniest hint of a panic attack. I still miss it sometimes, and use it occasionally when I really need it, but I feel much better without it. I don’t know whether I’m extra sensitive, or whether this is happening to everyone.

Quitting my daily morning coffee eased so much of my daily work- and weekday-related anxiety. It almost felt too good to be true. Nowadays, I have coffee only when in a leisurely state, mostly during the weekend.

I’ll bet you came across this in your anxious heart palpitation research last week (or was that just me?) but just in case…a combo of caffeine and being dehydrated can also cause that. Makes sense in hindsight, but it took me a few days of decreasing the caffeine intake and increasing my water intake ( I know, I know…) before they subsided.

I was having panic attacks and it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize they were entirely correlated with late-day caffeine! – so yes. I didn’t give it up entirely but do not ever have coffee after noon.

Yes yes – I’m in the same boat. Coffee gives me palpitations (stress as well, but only when it’s caffeine+stress), so I’m having 2 or 3 cups a week now, instead of 2 a day. I switched to matcha and black tea – they wake me up without the anxiety and the general feeling of being overwhelmed by nothing. I still love coffee, but it really made me feel worse.

Thanks you!! I never knew about mysophonia until Joanna wrote about it (thank you, also, Joanna!). I finally felt normal? After knowing it’s a thing and the answer to my extra-sensitivity (and sometimes feeling explosive rage). I had to leave my office today because it was an absolute cacophony and I was about to melt into a puddle of tears, or, worse, flip out). Instead, I took a walk for lunch , stopped in at my favorite little bookstore and took myself to lunch. I could have cried for joy, the restaurant was empty and there was no music. I felt instant peace and like I could face the rest of the day a little more restored. I’m grateful for another resource to check out. Thank you Loren.

@Mimi, here is another resource for you to check out. Explosive rage can also be due to a too easily triggered startle. https://rhythmicmovement.org/importance-of-primitive-reflexes/

1000% agree as someone “accidentally” cured of misophonia through EMDR therapy.

Just wanted to chime in to say that I have used the Safe & Sound protocol, and found it really really helped my sensory sensitivities (and adhd which had a big anxiety component… reactivity in general really, it really did help my nervous system feel more settled and secure).

I have had similar experiences – google “DARE method for panic attacks” and read about it / go on reddit. it helped me so so so much, I want to share with any panic attack sufferer. sending love xx

Hi Jo – I’m in a similar boat; you aren’t alone. It’s a lot! Since finding out about a BRCA1 mutation, I’ve been in a tornado of appointments and analysis paralysis. (I’ve decided to do a double mastectomy but am still trying to decide about staying flat or doing reconstruction.) Wishing you the best in a sea of hard choices.

Hi Jo, As someone with the BRCA 1 gene, I can commiserate! I was desperate to talk to someone who had gone through the double mastectomy. I did make the choice to have the surgery and feel it was the right one for me. It seemed much easier than facing the (probable) eventual diagnosis of cancer. It has been a major relief.

I am very high risk too (genetics in the form of CHEK2 with visible characteristics, and my baby sister died of BC). I have made the decision to watch carefully and wait; if and when it comes, I will decide what to do then, but I am not choosing the pain and trauma of surgery for myself. My doctors do not all agree with me, and that is hard. I alternate a mammogram and MRI every 6 months, and ultrasound as needed for anything that’s concerning.

Hm. Does she call herself a worrier or spoilsport or do others? You mention you don’t know if she knows she has anxiety, so my thought is either a) she does know, and it doesn’t impact her own life enough to take medication, or b) she doesn’t know and you, as a loving child, might feel safe enough in your relationship to ask ‘have you ever considered that you might have anxiety’?

I don’t have good advice, but I’m so sorry. I definitely think my mom could have benefitted from antidepressants multiple times throughout her life, but it seems to be really taboo with her generation. She’s very concerned with being labeled (and concerned about my ADHD kids being labeled), even though I am not worried about it at all. It’s hard to see them struggling with something fixable that they won’t address.

Oh gosh, I feel for you and my mom also exhibits very clear signs of anxiety disorder and is not the type to ever consider medication. I do have a more open relationship with her and have gently broached it with her by saying “I think you might benefit from anxiety medication, I’m taking an anxiety medication and it’s helped a lot!” It didn’t work though, she hasn’t seen a doctor about it. In any case, I think just bringing it up in a light way that destigmatizes it is probably best.

Hi Anon, I don’t have the answer, but I do come from a long maternal line of women with high anxiety that seems to increase with age. My mom is also anxious, and a practical midwesterner. I think the secret to having the conversation is just…having the conversation. What’s hard about that conversation is doing it with love, patience, and kindness instead of fear, annoyance, and (for me) pushyness. If you do your best to speak calmly from a place of love, you’ve done it. Her reaction is her choice. Good luck! It sounds like a conversation worth having.

I have had a similar experience ! I found that I had to broach the subject several times. At first she was dismissive of the idea (she has other health concerns and didn’t want to add additional medications). But, I found that over time, when she would share something with me – or respond to something that I found to be normal in a fearful/hesitant way – I found opportunities to say “I think the way you’re feeling about this is out of proportion with the issue itself. I think that’s the anxiety.” And, after about a year of just gently but firmly reinforcing this, she asked me more about what medications I have found helpful. I have left it up to her to talk with her own doctor about it so she doesn’t feel too much pressure. Best wishes!!

“…how to encourage a loved one to consider an anti-anxiety medication?” Honestly, you don’t unless she mentions feeling anxious or worried. And then, “I wonder if there are any medications that might help. It would be a shame to miss out on all of the great things happening around you!” No specific suggestions. And then it is between her and her healthcare provider!

Oh do I hear you! I’m an FNP, and I still couldn’t get my mother to consider anti-anxiety medication. I finally spoke with her provider (to give information, not to get information) about my concerns and asked them to do a full anxiety eval. There are screening tools, like the GAD that can help diagnose anxiety. For my mom, she finally agreed to take it because her provider said it might help her sleep and because she was worried about her memory – the provider said (and I agree!) that anxiety can mimic some of the cognitive changes of dementia and it’s important to treat it to get a better sense of what is really going on. She is taking Zoloft now, sleeping through the night for the first time in years, and her memory has improved tremendously – she is more ‘cognitively flexible’ so she can roll with changes in plans and doesn’t spiral if a word isn’t right there when she is looking for it. That being said, this took a year or two of consistent talk and feedback to get her to be open to the possibility of anxiety treatment. Call it like you see it! Tell her you are concerned. Point out how you think it is limiting her. Then take a break and let her digest it, and then bring it up again a few months later.

I hear you loud and clear. Having dealt with my own and relatives’ anxiety for decades, my suggestion is to talk with her and open by asking her if she feels ill-at-ease or uncomfortable sometimes. You can say you’re asking because she seems so on the outside and, if even if she says no, you can mention that you’ve read about how anxiety is a physical thing, often hereditary, and can be eased with medication. If you get a stonewall, back off and return in small bites. I hope this helps.

Just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, it is so hard. My husband started taking meds in the last year and wow they have been so helpful, and we might just start mentioning that around his mom more often/say hey mom this worked well for me, maybe it will help you too. She is so, so anxious and I love her very much-it is really hard to watch her suffer. It’s exhausting for me as well because as a fellow anxious creature, I am frequently trying to parse how to feel about the barrage of things she’s worried about. I’m not super optimistic, but she’s also an adult and I try to respect her autonomy while also having boundaries around what I’m willing to engage about. I’ll honestly say things like “that person has a really good support system and a lot of financial resources, I think they’ll be okay” when it’s about a “problem” that is honestly just not a huge deal. It’s helped me to have some boundaries around it and I think calls attention to the reality of the situation without saying “this isn’t real” and upsetting her.

I’d suggest individual therapy to help you deal with this difficult situation. It sounds tough!

I think the only thing that has worked with my family member is telling them that their behaviors are impacting our connection and relationship, and that I really really want to feel more connected but it’s hard when they only talk about xyz worries, etc. Make it about the relationship instead of anything they’re doing wrong or you want them to change.

Idk how old your mom is but it is very common for anxiety to ramp up around menopause or as we age. It may help her accept the idea of medication (or at least of exploring it)if it is presented as the issue being a common side effect of aging. Wishing you luck with helping your mom!

You’re not alone! Talk and vent to your friends.

Holding you and your teenager in my heart. You are not alone. Hang in there mama!

Same. I’m so sorry. Middle school, evil frenemies, and deep anxiety are an awful combination. My heart goes out to you. xxoo

Emily — you are very much not alone, and I am so, so sorry. I have a teenager who had a very intense mental health crisis two years ago, and it was one of the scariest moments in my life. They were briefly hospitalized, followed by long-term outpatient care, and it was overwhelming, exhausting, expensive, horrible. They are doing well now and everything is very well managed, but I feel like I have been holding my breath for two years and it won’t let up. Which is not to make you feel worse or like it’s not going to get better! But just that I see you and all the stress and helplessness you must be feeling. There is a lot to balance – their care, your care, their need for privacy, your need for venting and support (this one was especially tough for me as so many of my friends are their friends’ parents, and my kid wasn’t ready to share for quite a while). I hope you find the help that works for all of you. There is a stranger out here holding your hand in solidarity.

Thank you all for these kinds responses. They mean so much ❤️ S.- yes, my daughter was hospitalized last month and we are looking into outpatient options now. Knowing others have gotten through helps tremendously. I appreciate all your support!

Two month old! Congratulations! Just commenting to say that and that I see you postpartum friend! You’re doing a great job.

So sorry to read of these losses and your grief. Wishing you kindness, comfort, healing, and peace.

I have always felt the increase in energy…more sunlight, has a profound effect on people. I have had so many family members die in the Spring. Also, I wonder if messing around with daylight savings has something to do with it. Before we started messing with the time it was a much more gradual change.

Is this why I was laying awake in an anxiety spiral last night?? I also don’t handle heat well, so when it starts to warm up I start feeling anxious about summer.

So says T.S.Eliot in The Waste Land, “April is the cruelest month, breeding lilacs out of the dead land, mixing memory and desire, stirring dull roots with spring rain”… out of the warm hibernation of winter, reawakening is painful. So apt.

Yes, as someone living with bipolar, spring is particularly difficult! The extra light brings on hypomania and mixed episodes for me.

This makes so much sense! There was also a big fullmoon, so a lot of energy / light all around this week.

*So* many colleagues (including the CEO!) shared with me that they’ve had horrible insomnia this week for reasons they couldn’t understand. This explanation is so interesting and seemingly checks out!

I have also found spring a difficult season. The sudden energetic change from the stillness of winter to the powerful rebirth of nature in spring is a too much for my system. I struggle to sleep and mentally feel discombobulated and down. I usually feel back to myself by May. Autumn is when I come to life!

I would always think that I weirdly had a reverse version of SAD because I get stressed and depressed in the spring. I thought I just hated the awful heat and late night summer street noise of the city and didn’t realize it’s a real thing!

Let’s do a blunt rotation, but with a bubble wand! I’m with you, Anon. Juggling this season of life is rough. It’s a tough and rough blessing.

I agree not everything we do is automatically good. But I do find lots of comfort in the phrase ” I’m good” or when people tell me ” you are good” It helps remind me that my intention is rooted in good, that my core is good even though I might make mistakes. It provides a level of grace and acceptance that I need. I over think, often feel everyone hates me and just struggle with trusting myself. I’m good, simple and clear is a gentle shield against all of the what ifs and self doubt.

I get what you’re saying. I interpreted this as, “Try not to be too hard on yourself.” Which I am, most of the time. But I agree that as written, the “everything you do is good” phrase lacks some nuance.

With you 100%, as a fellow high-anxiety person. People in my life actually operate by this principal and it can lead to a complete lack of self-awareness and introspection. Someone I know is so convinced of her goodness and rightness that when confronted by the fact that a specific action hurt someone, she once said, “But I know I’m a good person, so that isn’t true.” And refused to ever acknowledge the harmful choice she made, much less apologize and repair. Not everything I do is good. However, I am trying the best I can, and that’s all I can expect of most people.

It doesn’t really land for me either (similar to messages like “you can’t control other peoples perceptions of you”- of course I can, haha). But if the mantra helps soothe some worried souls, I’m all in favor!

I can see where you’re coming from, but I think this mantra is more geared toward the people who secretly (or not-so-secretly) think everything they do is BAD. I grew up with a hyper-critical, verbally abusive mother and nothing I ever did in my childhood was good enough. I’ve heard “There’s something WRONG with you” more times than I can count. And even though I’m in my 30’s now, I’m still convinced deep down that she was right and I’m a terrible person and do everything wrong – even though my friends and husband would never describe me that way. So this quote isn’t carte blanche permission to be nasty to someone, etc. – it’s just saying you’re doing good because you’re trying. And if you mess up, you can apologize and try again later. It’s honestly a breath of fresh air for me, but if it doesn’t work for you, that’s fine too!

I’m with you Sam. It seems to be more if a calming mantra, another way of saying “You are enough.” Often people with high anxiety fixate on the undone, unsaid things or not good enoughs.

Hello sam. I used to feel like this, but I have moved on. Maybe a reframe will help? Everything you do is good enough…or just enough. I don’t think Jo was placing a value on our actions, like good vs. bad. I think she was reinforcing that we’re all human and we’re all doing the best we can, and whatever that is, it is ENOUGH. Sending love your way.

This reminds me of a mantra I used when I was going to college for nursing at 31 (with 3 young kids)- ‘It’ll work out, it always does’ On the surface it likely sounds dumb and Pollyanna, but even when awful things happen (parents dying, huge amounts of stress, etc), believing that it will “work out”- equilibrium will eventually be restored can be a lifeline.

I feel like this message can be read as : everything you are doing “for yourself” is good. Not for others of course. Anxiety is sometimes a message from our very sound body to alert us about unexpressed emotions. Having difficulty to find words to answer a question makes sense when our nervous system chose to place us in a “stuck” mode, to slow us down when we’ve been having a surge of anxiety. Every bonkers thing our bodymind is doing “is good” as it “makes sense” even if we dont see it it right away. And I understand how it must feel so reassuring to hear. At least that’s how I understood this post.

Not bonkers. We don’t actually know what the “reality” was. We don’t know the context that prompted that original statement in their conversation. It was clearly in response to some specific concerns, and the intention was to reassure, comfort, and ease doubts during a difficult episode. I don’t think it was supposed to be broad philosophy about human nature and existence, implying everything all people do is necessarily good. So do not fret. We get to pick our own mantras, so if it doesn’t work for you then just pick one you like.

The exact phrasing doesn’t land for me either, but I receive the love behind it more as “You are good.” And that, I think, is a blanket conviction we can offer ourselves and others. Everything we do is not good, but we are good, and we are trying with every breath.

I saw it as more of an “everything will be okay, you’re trying and that’s enough” kind of statement. When you’re in a very anxious moment, I feel, you’re often beating yourself up over the smallest things or agonizing over the smallest decisions, so this phrase is basically saying, you’re doing a good job trying. Not during you don’t need to grow or learn or whatever after the anxiety passes. Hope this helps, at least how I saw it!

I love that way of describing anxiety Nic!

I had a therapist who saw the difference between anxiety and depression as being anxiety is a fear with how you will manage the future and depression was being unable to see a future with yourself in it.

Just here to say hi to a fellow organizer; this made me feel seen haha

Oh Molly, I’m so sorry that you had to suddenly stop your antidepressant – the withdrawal symptoms are not the true reflection of how you will necessarily feel off meds because a cold turkey withdrawal is extremely intense. It took me a year to safely and gradually taper off Pristiq! I hope that you are starting feeling a bit better now or have found a way to get back on it if needed.