What to Wear This Summer, How to Comfort a Friend, and Other Reader Questions

We can comfort someone in our human way – of course. It can soothe. Yet every approach feels thin unless I also take the time to pray for them while we are together. We have a good God who cares and is listening! <3

I’m a palliative care physician, and what I have noticed that may work in difficult conversations, is actually not words but silence, a gentle nod, a hand on theirs. I think we sometimes feel the need to rush in, to move the conversation along, but just staying quiet, attentive, waiting with the person for whatever next wells up from them, can be the signal that you are there with them, wherever they are.

My mom died unexpectedly a little over a year ago, when I was two months postpartum. (It still feels surreal even just writing that.) One of the nicest things my girlfriends have said to me is, “I’m so proud of you.” It felt so validating for someone to acknowledge it wasn’t just really sad, but also really hard. Plus it naturally came a few months later, when the initial surge of support had started to wane.

The best thing someone said to me after my newborn daughter died was “I want to sit in the dark with you.” She was pregnant at the time and I remember wanting to shield her from the horror that I went through so as not to make her nervous. But she gave me permission to lay down that responsiblitiy and not try to put a positive spin or a brave face on things. It made me feel so much less alone to just be able to sit in this very hard time and not try to put a positive spin on things.

requesting a whole column on supporting friends going through hard times. xoxoxoxo

I wear the black linen mini dress from quince you linked to non-stop in the summer! It’s magically breezy and the best on hot days

I’m reading the book Strangers, a memoir about navigating (sudden) divorce. The author talks about how all her friends were helpful to her in different ways. A couple she was friends with were very good at keeping her from blaming herself. They said very bluntly “what he did was wrong. this is not normal. you are valid in your feelings.” One friend would call her in the mornings and talk her ear off just shooting the breeze and helping her maintain some normalcy. One friend would text her late at night when she felt the loneliest and they would text about her darkest thoughts and feelings. It makes it clear that there are many ways to show up for someone.

I was panicking about summer clothes a few weeks ago. I’m nearly a year post partum and nothing from last summer fits but I’m still in the process of losing weight and becoming more fit so I don’t want to buy a whole new wardrobe. I asked AI to create an affordable capsule wardrobe with links for my body type and color preferences, and it did! It took twenty minutes. I spent less than $150 for 10 pieces and supposedly 30 looks. I now feel actively excited for my summer wardrobe. (I know, I know – AI. Arguments against: it’s bad for the environment, something about it making us dumber, maybe some companies support bad guys. Arguments for: all internet searches use a lot of water, AI can reduce the workload and mental burden for women who already have enough on their plate running households and we don’t need to demonize that!)

Ooo, the dusty rose dress. Been so into that color lately. I’ve had my eye on a similar dress for a little while. Perhaps this is a sign that I should own it…

I was walking down the street the other day past a group of construction workers and one of them said, sympathetically, “tough day to work for a living, eh?”, seeing that I too was wearing work clothes. I had to laugh but also feel sad for the part of myself that wants to feel like a beautiful woman and not a fellow construction worker (not to say that beautiful women can’t work in construction haha, you know what I mean). Have I let myself go so drastically? How to feel cute when you do actually get quite dirty at work and need your clothes/look to reflect that?

The response to Beena’s auestion is perfect. Thank you for telling me/sharing with me and then allow silence. The silence is the loving space that gives the person to open up and say what they need. The next part is to truly listen. This helps so much. I had a conversation with a friend recently and she really really listened. I felt so cared for. Then she offered me a practical thing she could do. At times people will say “and what about you and your self care? What are you doing for you.?” Although very well meaning I find this a bit pressuring sometimes. When you’re going through something the idea of self care in terms of anything more than the basic can just feel another thing you have to do. I was in the hospital recently and talking to another parent. Her child has cancer. She said everyone kept on at her about self care so she told them she’s been going for walks. But it backfired one day when her mum was with her and said “ok now how about you have your walk”. She said well, I guess I’m walking now! Even though she wanted to scroll on her phone and eat chips. Which is actually the gold standard of self care sometimes!

This whole comment thread is such a beautiful display of humanity, thank you everyone.

My nephew died just before Christmas so the past few months have been shit show for our family. My sister and I have talked a lot about this and definitely just being there wins hands down. Acknowledgment is everything. I had a friend who is autistic and she just straight up said to me, ‘I’m so awkward I these situations but can give you an awkward hug?’ And that meant so much to me and was so much better than the friends who avoided talking about my nephew altogether.

If you have a gray couch (no shade! I mean, a little, but I get it), let me tell you about the magic that is a linen flat sheet. Many of the fancy linen bedstuffs companies sell the components separately. (If you like pattern: Sage + Clare, Society of Wanderers, Kip and Co.) You can also search the color you want plus “King Size Linen flat sheet on eBay,” (plus whatever brand you’re looking for: Quince, Pottery Barn, Parachute, Coyuchi), and a lot of them are new in packaging. Then you wrap your couch cushions in the big linen sheet, tuck the ends behind the cushion, and voila! New couch color. You can swap them out seasonally- they fold up and store so easily. So do throw pillow covers. I only have like 3 in my living room, but I own 12 zipper covers that live in a flat box. My kids (and I!) get so excited when the new season of pillows emerge. It’s simultaneous novelty and familiarity. 🙌🏼

Heya, I’m not sure why but the margins are off on the platform today so all the last words in the comments on the right side are clipped by a letter or two. Something weird with formatting or an update? Thought you’d like to know.

One thing that really comforted me after my dad died was a friend who said “this is so unfair.” Don’t be afraid to name the hard thing—that the whole timeline is now ruined—not only the present moment, but everything that should have come after. I remember everyone who raged alongside me in the dark.

The link to the mini black dress is bringing me to the app store to download Quince’s app, not sure about anyone else!

To the last question, I’ve learned so much from my partner, who naturally is such a good listener (to the point where a number of people in his life have commented on how comforting he is to talk to). What he does is ask questions and validate my feelings. Very simple things like “And how does that make you feel?” or “That sounds very hard”. “What can I do to help?” or “What would feel helpful right now?”. All said with compassion and empathy. I believe most people just want someone to “come sit on the bench with them” while they’re experiencing hard things.

When my Dad passed last May, I experienced firsthand how difficult it is for all of us to communicate openly with one another about grief. Because we live in such a grief-phobic culture, none of us have the fully loaded toolbelt to respond to each other’s grief without fear of saying the wrong thing. Sometimes this prevents us from saying anything at all, which can feel isolating for everyone involved. Many people didn’t bring it up at all because avoidance was easier than getting it wrong, but one night I was out with a friend who seemed nervous to broach the subject about my Dad’s death. Finally, he got quiet, and gently asked, “what does it all feel like?” In that moment, he gave me permission to express myself fully, and was also admitting that he simply didn’t know what I was feeling but had genuine curiosity to understand my grief. It was one of the most beautiful, humane, compassionate responses I got in those first 6 months and I will never forget how supportive it felt.

Something that’s helped us in our grief seasons is John O’Donohue’s book “To bless the Space between us”…There’s an excerpt from “For One Who is Exhausted” that says to remember to “excessively gentle” with oneself …we share that with friends who are going through sorrows, and we wrote it on our wall to remember it every single day.

A question tangentially related to the last one… I have quit social media for many reasons, all of which I stand by, and I don’t see myself ever reversing course. However… This does mean I miss a lot of life updates from my friends (especially the non-local ones, but local ones too), and I worry that because I’m out of the loop, I’m not showing up for people in the right way/at the right time, if that makes sense? For both good and bad news. I try to proactively keep lines of casual communication open via text, so they know they can talk to me any time without the awkward dance of “hey, it’s been a while,” but I also don’t want them to feel like I’m demanding the labor of personal life updates, or that they can’t count on me to automatically be there for them. So I guess my question is: does anyone have advice for being a good friend without social media? Especially if everyone else is still using it?

That lovely off the shoulder polka dot dress: NEED. Where can I find it? <3

I know that the onus should not be on the grieving person to make the other person feel comfortable, but I always think about something my friend did. We met for lunch for the first time since she lost her dad. We were only in our 20s and I felt ill equipped. When I said “how are you?” she said “I’m sad but I’m not depressed and I do want to talk about regular things.” The immense relief I felt to have her just state where she was at/what she needed! If she hadn’t, I would’ve guessed it would be insensitive to prattle on about my dating life or whatever we may have discussed, but because she did, I knew that she welcomed the distraction and wanted “regular friend time” rather than to focus on her grief. All to say, when we are the one in need, it’s a gift to others to be direct about what we need – they want to give it to us, but sometimes it’s hard to guess.

In 2021 my father came to my home, rang the doorbell, and shot himself dead. There’s one very important thing I learned from that. When you don’t know what to say to someone, JUST SAY SOMETHING. It can be hard. Difficult. But people need to know they’re not alone. Just say something. It’s so much better than nothing.

I would love to hear from those (honestly, I’d love to see an article written) about experiencing infidelity (of all “levels”: the mind/emotional only, just kissing, to full intimate) where both parties decide to rebuild and continue their relationship/coupledom. I have found myself in this space. I know what and why it happened. It was absolutely fucked up on my husband’s part to cave into the attentions of another woman while he was away. And I also recognize that for years leading up to it, the stressors at home and at work were beyond immense, and we really had become room mates of the most neutral kind -I feel open to expanding on it, nor does it excuse him from accepting the kiss she gave him. But I know that had our relationship been stronger prior to that he’d not have doubts about my feelings for him, nor what our relationship really meant. We were brutally honest with one another when it all came out, and we both want our relationship to survive and have been working on it. I know plenty of women my age who have experienced this and some call it quits while others have rebuilt and moved on seemingly more in love and in respect of one another than before. Yet, somehow, I can’t help but wonder if I am doing the right thing. Obviously I still love him. And I’m hurt.

I love Joanna’s suggestion of pillows as an easy way to make comfort and change the vibe. This can be done for almost nothing at the thrift store. You don’t even have to find a pillow you like. My way when I was young and barely had a couple pennies to rub together: find one pillow that’s clean but ugly and so very cheap, and find a dress, coat, blanket, sheet, quilt, that’s got great fabric but is cheap because it has a hole or an unflattering cut. Use the good fabric to make a cover for the clean pillow. Tadum. This is just about the easiest thing there is to sew, but you don’t even have to use a sewing machine; you can sew a square or rectangle by hand. If you use a sheet or bedspread, you can do a matching set of pillows!

After my pregnancy loss, I felt so isolated because no one seemed to know what to say. I think they were all scared of saying the wrong things so they gave me a lot of space, which was the opposite of what I needed. A few weeks later, I was on the phone with a friend who had been traveling while I was in the thick of it. She said something like “I was so sad about your loss. I know this isn’t about me, but I was looking forward to be an auntie.” That was so healing for me to hear – the baby I lost was real to people who weren’t just me and my husband. She held meaning, even if it was abstract. So yes, I echo the sentiments of just say something, don’t worry about being perfect, tell someone grieving what that person meant to them (even “you always told me xyz about your mom, she sounded amazing), and ask them what they need. What a caring group of people we have here!!

Those dress choices still hold up! I might order the black Quince one, but the few things I’ve ordered from them have just been too small, so I’ll size up.

We have been going through a hard time and two things that friends have done that have really helped have been to text with specific things they are offering to do to help, especially when it comes to supporting our other child who is not the one going through it. (Though, of course, she is also going through it in a different way.) Friends have given her rides places and taken her out to dinner when we are occupied with our son. Also, texts from friends that just say things like “thinking of you” at random times have been really heart-warming. It so comforting to know that they are thinking of us. I don’t feel alone.

I also struggle with leaning into deep emotions. It wasn’t until I took an enneagram quiz and learned that it is a classic 7 trait, that I finally understood why I did it. It was so helpful to learn more about myself and it brought an awareness to my actions. Highly recommend! Also so interested in what the COJ team’s enneagrams are!

oh my gosh thank you for putting your finger on something that I’ve felt but couldn’t quite describe. I think we’ve all kind of adopted a lot of therapy speak in recent years and it can come across as really cold and distant when applied to friends. I’d much rather hear “that’s so fucked up!” “Thats really rough, I’m so sorry” “I’d be pissed too” etc. thank you.

So many good comments/suggestions here. Haven’t read every single one so I’m sure there’s some duplication here. This year has been a real up-and-downer so far–my grandmother just died a few days ago; a friend died suddenly in April; in between two of my best friends had a baby. My family is chronically awful at handling emotions and I didn’t feel like I had good examples of how to genuinely provide comfort/care to people who need it, so I have actively tried to learn. I am also very! into! consent! and I think that can conflict with the whole idea of “just do something!” So here are some things I have sorted out that I think are good (based on positive feedback): – Just do something… if you are confident it will not burden the recipient (for example: provide food that aligns with their diet and is easy to store/prep/etc. (which might mean a gift card for takeout!); provide things that don’t require additional steps–for instance, bring flowers in a container you don’t expect to get back, not a bouquet that will immediately need a vase, etc.). – Offer to do something specific… that you 100% can deliver on, even if it’s tiny (rather than offering to do “anything” when you have super limited bandwidth) – Propose something tangible you are able to do… with the clear option of veto power by the recipient. (For instance, with the friends who just had a baby, I’m trying to bring them food–typically both a meal to eat together and more for the freezer/later. I’ll generally say something like, “hey, I’m planning to do X, but let me know if that messes with your plans. Otherwise, I will be there at 6 with dinner.” That gives a clear out so they don’t have to worry about offending/disappointing me.) – Give simple, real options – I can do THIS or THAT. (Works for so many things including getting toddlers to put on shoes. You can start with your RIGHT foot or your LEFT.) – In some situations there may be a lot of help incoming at one moment and less later on, so I try to think about that and generate care in the form of “now and later.” If I’m bringing soup, I portion it out in pints so it’s easy to freeze or store some for leftovers. For emotional support, I put a calendar reminder to check in with X in a few weeks or on the anniversary of the death or whatever. I think my husband finds this a little mechanical, but I think it’s better than forgetting! This year has been so full of Stuff Happening that I need reminders to keep track of which dates mean things to which people! – If you think someone may be anxious about reaching out but you are willing to be “always available” via phone, consider just dropping a text or calling periodically to take the pressure off them making the decision to call. Much easier to reply than to reach out initially, for some/sometimes. (Personally when people offer this level of accessibility to me, I end up doubting that they really mean it in the moments when I could most use the connection.) – Mail is usually appreciated! Many of my closer friends live hundreds or thousands of miles away, so I try to send mail and not be too precious about it–I often write one of my friends with descriptions of dogs going on walks along my street. Just sent a different friend some old sketches I found while clearing a box. I think being present (in some way) at random intervals can help people feel like they are not so alone in general, which is helpful when the big stuff happens. Preventative care, if you will! – I have a ton of social anxiety and find it really hard to enter social situations, especially when there are heightened emotions. Once in, I’m OK. To help myself, I actually practice “entry phrases,” which is something I sort of started doing in an intentional way when I lived in France and had the anxiety of not speaking the language very well on top. Even if it’s as simple as a casual “hello!” (which probably sounds silly to many but it is a game changer for me!). The tip here is also: find ways to deal with your own anxiety before entering a situation in which you may be needing to offer care. Don’t put that burden on the other person/people. – Also relating to social anxiety: follow the leader! In many cases, there will be someone in a situation who is either closer to the main person/people involved than you are, or who is more competent at caregiving. With my grandmother, my mom was the primary caregiver at the end, but I really felt bewildered by the situation. However, my mom told me to sit in the chair next to the bed and handed me stuff to spoon feed her, so I did that. For hours. Which gave my mother something of a break and gave me something to do. Even if you don’t have social anxiety, this is a good practice! There’s often someone organizing a meal train or generally figuring out how to be supportive… follow their lead, ask them for updates rather than bothering the main person, etc. I had a colleague lose a daughter to suicide a few years back–obviously wanted to do something, but I did not know him well and the family requested privacy, so I very much appreciated that someone else organized a meal train that I could participate in, with clear parameters about diet and so on.) – Finally, do something… that can be ignored, or that doesn’t need words. Lately, I’ve found that some music I’m listening to resonates with me and makes me think of a specific person, so I’ll pass along a link to that song to that person. Or I’ll just send a photo of my pets being cute or something like that that is just a sort of ‘thinking of you’ text without any big verbal situation and no response needed. I don’t expect a response, though the heart emoji is nice! I got off all social media last year and this feels like a more personal way to have that similar sort of quick connection with people. – OK, I know I said finally, but also – let bygones be bygones? One of my closest friends throughout all of college and the year afterward had become estranged from me when I was in an abusive relationship (now long over)… I was really leaning on the friendship and in hindsight, I recognize that she was at a crossroads in her relationship at the time, and it was too much for her to grapple with my stuff on top of hers. But she didn’t say that, she just disappeared. Later, her brother died in a freak accident on the first anniversary of their mother’s death. When I found out, I immediately reached out–there wasn’t much to say (it was just awful) but I did feel like I could alleviate some pain from our estrangement. We never got back to that old closeness, but we’re on good terms–I’m going to her wedding next weekend–with my husband!

Just got the black Old Navy shirtdress in from this post…instant love. It fits like a glove and makes me feel put together. Thanks CoJ. Also as someone who has lost their mother to cancer at a young age, bringing food, telling me stories about my mother and how she positively impacted your life, texting on her birthday or date of her passing…all were very lovely. Telling someone to let you know if they need anything is very unhelpful…no one is ever going to text you that they need food, company, a little happy like a book, a cookie, or pedicure to distract from the pain. And I agree, showing up at the funeral is so important. My favorite was actually her visitation. I was so nervous about it and it was amazing to stand there and physically see all of the people that my mom had touched and hear their stories! The unfair part is that the person never gets to see that…I don’t think my mom would tell you that she touched that many people!

Wow, these comments and these life experiences. Humbly add: -my dear friend who yelled (yelled!) ‘THIS IS F()*&$# HORRIBLE WHY!?!’ and gave me a huge hug when my Dad got sick. It was fucking horrible, and I needed to yell and cry and hug. -my spouse lost a parent this year, and we still feel too young and unprepared to live without them. While I could definitely improve in supporting them, the most impactful thing I did was email a few of her friends and family for stories and general well wishes for my spouse. Some people may find it impersonal, but I can’t tell you how often we return to the stories, advice, and words from these emails…it’s been such an accessible gift and spread around. It’s also caused a reconnection with cousins, college roommates, and teammates. If you feel like you don’t have the words, sometimes you’re loved ones people do.

I’m a little late to these comments but I had to share my awkward “helping” experience. My neighbour was dying of cancer and her adult daughters flew in to be with her at the end. They were using their mother’s car while they were here and I knew how incredibly dirty it was, inside and out, so I offered to go wash it for them. I didn’t specifically tell them I would clean the interior but I scoured it inside and out and filled it with gas and dropped it off, imagining how cared-for they would feel the next time they drove it and saw this incredible transformation. Well, a couple of weeks later at my neighbour’s funeral, one of her daughters gave a lovely tribute speech and mentioned some of her mom’s rules she lived by. One of them was “A clean car is a sign of a sick mind.” I felt terrible – instead of being pleasantly surprised with a clean car, they were probably horrified to have all these messy memories cleaned up! I left an apology note in the mailbox but they left town right after the funeral and I still cringe about this situation! So for all the comments that say “just do SOMETHING rather than nothing”, if it’s someone you don’t know super well, maybe ask first!! (I do laugh about this now – basically being called out at a funeral – I just hope they do too! eek)

When I was in my mid twenties and living in Budapest we would invite a bunch of our other expat friends over to watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles or Uncle Buck and just laugh and laugh. Years later we would watch them with our kids and it just never got old!

Beena, My husband and I went through a heartbreaking loss years ago. We went to his aunts house to play cards which we did frequently at that time. She knew about the loss and said the most perfect thing to me, “we can talk about it or not talk about it, what ever you want. Now let’s deal the cards.” I remember taking a deep breath and knowing there was no pressure to say anything which was a relief, I could just be where I was mentally and emotionally and that was the best gift.

I heard on a podcast recently three ‘h’ words to help with a hard conversation. You ask the person (usually it’s one of my children): “Do you want to be heard, helped, or hugged?” This can then guide you in your response.

I borrowed a book from a library that I loved so much I ended up buying it as I wanted to re-read it. There Is No Good Card for This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love It’s written by Emily McDowell who had stage 3 cancer and lost a friend to it. Before this book she created greeting cards (Empathy Cards) to send for people who are going through hardship and loss based on her own life experiences. “the loneliness and isolation I felt when many of my close friends and family members disappeared because they didn’t know what to say, or said the absolute wrong thing without realizing it.” I hope you get your hands on a copy and find comfort in knowing how to best show up next for someone in need.

I lost my mom a year ago tomorrow to brain cancer. Things that helped while she was sick (and I was helping her) and after her death: –A friend bought me a bunch of toilet paper, paper towels, and Costco-sized snacks. It made me feel like she was saying, “I got you covered, friend.” –Meal trains were amazing, and people who didn’t expect me to have a Big Chat about my Big Feelings were gifts. They showed up, often received by my husband, gave their kindest words and delicious food, and headed home. –Letters about what my mom meant to others are the treasures of my days. There’s something so comforting about hearing other people affirm what I knew to be true, that she was deeply special to those of us who knew her and loved her. –SHOWING UP TO HER FUNERAL. I get that funerals are hard. I get that the person we’re all there to remember isn’t there any longer. But if you can show up, do it. I had no idea how much it would mean to me to have people there–even people who are my friends and didn’t know her well–and conversely, I had no idea how much it would hurt when people who could have come (who have the financial means and emotional bandwidth to come, especially family members) didn’t bother. I said to my husband a dozen times after her funeral, “As often as we can, let’s be the people who show up at the hard stuff.” It was so, so, so helpful to me to see our friends at the funeral as I eulogized my mother. –Remember the date. A friend sent me a text this week, as we near the one-year anniversary of my mom’s death, and said, “I’m praying for you this week as you prepare to remember that very hard day,” and I thought, “Oh! I’m not alone.” It was so kind and generous of her to remember. That unobtrusive little note felt like a hundred hugs to me–and I didn’t have to have a conversation about my sadness, which I’m not always prepared to do.

Hello! Life Coach here – I often hold space for and support people going through hard times. In fact, that’s often what turns people toward coaching to begin with. Here are three things I always keep in mind when my clients are going through a tough season: 1. We all carry innate wisdom and brilliance inside of us. Usually, the answers are within. My job as a support, then, is not to treat them as a problem to be solved, my job is to hold them as creative, resourceful and WHOLE, no matter what. Fixing makes people feel like you think they are incompetent (though the urge to do it is really normal and comes from a good place!) 2. At our cores, humans want to know we’re not alone, that we’re not bad, and that there is nothing wrong with us. I often say to clients “You’re not alone – I’ve been through that” or “You’re such a person for caring so much/trying so hard” or “You’re very brave for trying that” or my most favorite “That makes sense!” Knowing that someone else can see the logic, even when it’s twisty, is really helpful! 3. Breathe and pause. There is usually a LOT inside someone by the time they get to me. I gently remind them that all their feelings are allowed with me, and then I breathe audibly and deeply to trigger them to do the same, and then I just let it all come out. I don’t interrupt, I don’t interject, I just let it allll come out before we start talking. Kudos to all the wonderful supporters (and strugglers!) here. You’re all so brave – mean it! xx

Putting in a plug for this book I snatched up so super fast as soon as I heard about it a few months back. It’s called “Simple Scripts to Support Your People: What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say.” Each page lists a possible scenario (from general to wildly specific situations) and then a paragraph script of how to respond to said scenario. Obviously you don’t have to read the script word for word (though you certainly can), but seeing it written on the page as a script/direct quote helps me to feel more confident in responding to a situation I don’t exactly have the words for.

Of course everyone grieves differently, but I know that when I was going through something incredibly hard that I appreciated people asking- except in the first few weeks at work because I did not feel comfortable breaking down at work. I am almost finished with “This Time Tomorrow” and I loved the part in the book when she has gone back in time to her 16th birthday (for the umpteenth time) and checks in on a classmate who lost is dad. She asks him how he is doing since losing his dad and acknowledges the awkwardness of the questionnaire and how awful it is to have happened to him. But he appreciates that she has bothered to ask.

As for questions, I always ask people “How are you today?” – it acknowledges that healing is not linear, some days might be better than others, and it takes away the overwhelming task of finding words for your overall state of mind and/or body.

I haven’t read through all the comments so forgive me if this advice is duplicative. I have counseled rape and sexual assault survivors and recently spent the last year battling one family health crisis after another. One phrase that always works is: “I’m so sorry you are going through this.” And sometimes: “I am here to listen and support you however you need.” It is universally applicable, while still honoring the uniquely difficult circumstances your loved one is facing.

Another reader question here! I am looking up readings for weddings and I feel like there was a CoJ article about this and people posted in the comments? Or quotes about love and life? Am I making this up? Anyways, welcome suggestions that aren’t Corinthians or overly romantic. My bf and I are older, more realistic about love and life, and want to express that without overly flowery language.

Related but slightly different : how do i verbally support my brother whose mental health has tanked into depression? I’ve asked how he’s going and he’s told me : bad {via text}. I told him I’d come visit …. But how do I show up for him next?

The worst thing to do when someone is struggling / grieving / going through a difficult phase ist not doing anything in fear of doing the wrong thing. To me it felt like I was forgotten or ignored, so reaching out in any way is better than not doing anything. As for questions, I always ask people “How are you today?” – it acknowledges that healing is not linear, some days might be better than others, and it takes away the overwhelming task of finding words for your overall state of mind and/or body. I also try to offer specific things to help with, not just tell them to get in touch if they need anything. Always be open for a no, it has nothing to do with you. And lastly – continuity. Don’t just get in touch with them right at the beginning, but ask again every few weeks. Most things aren’t over in a few days, and after the initial wave of support ebbs off, it is nice to still be seen.

I’m close to weeping, reading some of these comments because all I can think is that I’ve constantly said awful/upsetting/terrible things despite having often looked at advice for what to say first. It’s often suggested to ask people how they are or how they are today, as well as to validate that an experience is difficult or distressing. I’m not trying to play therapist or seek information I’m not allowed. I thought I was being kind. My inclination now is to shut up. I do think it’s why some people perhaps don’t say anything because the risk is such a lot of anger at the wrong thing. It leaves me feeling like I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.

Beena – validate, validate, validate. You can’t fix these unfixable situations, and no amount of positive thinking will turn back the clock and make things the same, even if with time things will be alright. For now, listen and validate: I can hear how hard this is for you, I can tell this is making you sad, I can see how upset you still are. People want to be heard and know their feelings aren’t too much for those who love them. You’re a beautiful friend for hearing that feedback and wanting to change. What a gift you must be to those in your life.

On helping a friend…when there was no heartbeat at an ultrasound of my baby last year my dad told me “this will be harder for you than anyone else” and somehow it was the most perfect thing for me to hear. It allowed me to feel the pain and to let people help me. A year later, his words still carry me when it feels like everyone has completely moved on.

I brought paper towels and toilet paper to a friend who was having a rough patch (because I literally cried over running out of toilet paper shortly after my marriage ended) and that is the move.

Ask someone, “do you want advice or do you want me to just listen?” It helps me shut up and listen and make sure I truly am letting the person having the hard time drive the conversation.

I would love to see a wrap-up of the CoJ team’s favourite summer movies. Growing up, my parents had a weird idea of what was age appropriate (read: a lot of stuff that was too old), and so I never watched the classics. This summer, I want to watch a bunch of what I’ve missed – but I’m lost as to where to start!

So many great comments on how to support a friend going through rough times. I had a life-threatening ectopic pregnancy this spring – resulting in the loss of a very wanted pregnancy, a huge blow to my overall health, and fertility at age 38. My takeaways were: 1) DONT ask “how are you?”. A lot of time I was so raw and the answer was almost always really quite awful, but didn’t feel comfortable being that vulnerable or opening the would. Remember you are not entitled to ask for information. 2) Offer support and empathy like “this is absolutely horrible” and just check in. Share how shitty you think what they are going through is, without asking for additional information. That made me feel much less alone. 3) Keep reaching out – especially on significant days (i.e. mothers day, birthdays etc. that may be related to their loss). The day I got home from the hospital a neighbor left a bouquet and some treats with a note that they are sending love. No asking for information, or forcing me to have interactions that I had no capacity for. Stopping by without the expectation of any response from my husband and I made me feel so supported.

These comments are beautiful and tell me that there are as many ways to comfort someone (and to mis-step) as there are people and problems. I think the biggest tip is to take a swing on what you think is right and be willing to be corrected and possibly even ask to be. Then try, try again. And if you’re the problem-haver, be willing to correct people and ask for what you need, something I’m very bad at myself but working on.

my dad was recently diagnosed with cancer and a response i received from a few folks was to immediately bring up the hard thing in THEIR life? i understand the instinct to try to relate, but damn, please don’t do that!

My Nana died two Decembers ago, and I arrived at her house literally hours after she passed away (I live in Georgia and she lived in New Hampshire). Some of her friends stopped in over the next couple of days, and one of her friends gave me a huge hug and told me things she loved about my Nana. It meant so much to me. As the one year anniversary of her death came around, I received a card in the mail from Nana’s friend with a note about how special my Nana was and recalling the hug we shared in my grandmother’s driveway. She also sent a photo of my Nana with the card. It meant the world to me, and I filed away that idea to do for others in the future.

My husband is in the hospital with a terribly intense situation. The greatest things my friends have done for me so far are drop/send food without asking, text me every day, come over and keep me and kids company. Just showing up with too much thought – the things you think to do are exactly the right things.

A few more vibrant home ideas for Z! Hang more shelves: Wall shelves are the best for decorating, because whatever you put on a wall shelf becomes Art (or at least an Objet D’Art), so you can style it with whatever bold, vibrant trinkets and treasures you already have. Fun shelves are cheap to buy and pretty easy to DIY, and renter friendly (just spackle over the holes once removed). Slipcovers: we just replaced the cat-shredded gray slipcover of our Ikea couch with a bright red slipcover–huge color impact in the living room without the commitment and expense of a brand new couch. And if you’re looking for actual renovation ideas: Linoleum: we renovated our kitchen last year and I am now a linoleum floor evangelist. Look at the colors you can get!! https://www.forbo.com/flooring/en-us/products/residential-products/marmoleum-modular-tiles/marmoleum-modular/b5uo4f It’s relatively eco-friendly compared to a lot of vinyl flooring, since it’s actually primarily plant based, but similar in price (and loads cheaper than wood, stone, or most tile) and pretty easy to install. And it feels–dare I say?–luxurious? It’s as warm and soft as wood, but more durable for kitchens and high-traffic areas.

Grief/comfort- just be genuine. Seriously. “Fuckkkkkk. I am so sorry. This is terrible.” always works. And hugs. House- Deep cleaning your entire house, getting flowers from the grocery, and then perusing OfferUp is usually enough when the urge strikes to make changes. Summer- I’ve been wearing gauze everything. From shorts and shirts to necktie hankerchiefs. Cotton is the thing, man! And loose. Upsized everything. Questions for CoJ- 1. How do you prepare your brain to have your first baby? I am 39. I have spent my entire woman-ness trying NOT to get pregnant. How do you turn that off? 2. Joanna, I want to know how you’re doing! I know that you did the interview and you’ve given little updates, but really we just wanna know how you’re doing. Good/bad/whatevs. Long form. Like the old days.

As someone who has both gone through very tough times and wanted to show up for loved ones going through very tough times, I have two pieces of advice: 1. Your kind gesture or offer of help does not have to match the scale of the person’s suffering. I think a lot of us freeze up because… how could a text possibly alleviate the grief of a sudden loss/illness/divorce/diagnosis? The good and bad news: it can’t! So don’t let that stop you from reaching out. Something is better than nothing, and you can keep it very, very simple. A text that just says “I love you” or “I’m thinking of you today”; some snacks, fruit, or a bottle of wine dropped off on the porch; a funny movie recommendation; an offer of a hug or a walk or a drive. These all helped me feel held and cared for during incredible loss. 2. I absolutely love the book “There Is No Good Card For This: What To Say and Do When Life Is Scary, Awful, and Unfair to People You Love,” by Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell. It is so accessible, practical, and reassuring. https://www.harpercollins.com/products/there-is-no-good-card-for-this-kelsey-croweemily-mcdowell?variant=32205660389410

Want to add to Beena’s thoughtful question. When I’m going through something hard and people encourage me to look on the bright side, it never makes me feel better. It just adds guilt on top of the sadness and anxiety. There’s a wonderful video from Brené Brown on YouTube about Empathy vs Sympathy. It changed how I talk to people.

Very much agreeing with all the commentators saying that “Let me know if there’s anything you need” is unfortunately a very unhelpful thing to say to someone who’s in the thick of something tough. It puts the onus on them to think of what they need and ask for it – that’s just not going to happen. Instead just try your best to deeply empathise and think about what you would want someone to do if you were in that situation – then do it. Don’t ask, don’t hesitate, just do the thing that you would want someone to do for you. There’s no such thing as too much help or too many kind thoughts and gestures.

One thought re: showing up for friends, as these comments show isn’t it beautiful how we’re all different and want different things to feel supportive? And we all have different ways we like to/can support eachother? Of course that means there’s no easy answer, but I think that’s actually a beautiful expansive challenge for all of us. Anyway, of course it doesn’t lead to any clear advice other than maybe show up, try different things to support your friends, and keep your antenna up for how it’s being received. If what you’re doing doesn’t seem to be helping, then pivot and try something different without getting in your ego-ey feelings about it. Remember, your central purpose is fo show up for your friend, and what a beautiful purpose that is 💗

After reading all these amazing wise comments (also – how are there so many people who get it so wrong?! why aren’t they reading COJ comments?!), I want to add something else for thought. This concept applies to anything that might be upsetting to a person – however trivial that thing might be in the scheme of life. So while it absolutely applies to big awful stuff like death and sickness and loss and the like, it also applies to anytime someone is just feeling a certain way about something. For example, when I recently learned that my twins are most like two boys, I was quite disappointed and upset (I wanted one of each!). I expressed this to my MIL and my friends, and almost everyone tried to say things like, “you’ll love being a boy mom!” or “just be grateful that the genetic tests came back normal” or “Once they’re born you won’t care at all”. And while all those things may be true, they felt very dismissive to me in the moment. All I needed to hear was “I understand” or “i’m sorry, I know you were hoping for a different outcome”. that’s it. there is a LOT of pressure on women to feel a certain way about every aspect of motherhood, and when you don’t people are QUICK to jump on you about exactly why your feelings are wrong, instead of just giving people space to feel however they want to feel. xoxo – love this incredible wise space. Thank you, Joanna!

Jo, you look stunning.

The linked dresses are cute but honestly I’m dying to know more about the suddenly-chic denim one, ha!

My bestie and I are both a bit neuro-spicy so our conversations look different. When one of us needs help with A Big Thing that is siphoning our brainspace, we ask for details. All the details the other wants to share. Then we ask “What ifs”. This makes it possible to see behavioral patterns and make sense of the chaos. It’s so hard to see people you care about hurting but knowing that a simple “Tell me what happened.” can make A Big Thing feel much more manageable. Every time I feel stupid or awkward during one of those talks, I remember this quote — “Grief shared is halved. Joy shared is doubled.”

On support friends through hard times: Reminding someone of their own strength and cheering them in can be helpful. I recently went through a short term hardship and asked for exactly what I needed, a cheering squad. I needed my dearest friends to rally behind me and remind me how capable, resilient,and strong I am. It totally worked and their voices raised me up, got me through, and made me proud. I admire each of them so much and having a chorus of strong women remind me of my own strength was exactly what I needed in that moment.