What Are Your Kids’ Love Languages?
The other night, 12-year-old Anton and I were chatting at bedtime…
While lying under his glow-in-the-dark stars, after talking about fishing, drumming, and how he’s officially going to be a teenager this summer (!!), the conversation turned to love languages. I asked him if he’d ever heard of the pop-psychology concept about the different ways people express and receive love.
“There are five love languages,” I explained, then listed them:
* words of affirmation (giving compliments, telling someone how much you love them)
* acts of service (making someone breakfast, picking someone up from the airport)
* quality time (going on long walks, watching favorite movies together)
* physical touch (snuggling, shoulder rubs, holding hands)
* gifts (thoughtful things, they don’t have to be expensive!)
My dad’s? Stocking our cupboards with European cereals (acts of service). My mom’s? Words of affirmation, for sure. My own? Both words and physical touch.
Anton’s answer surprised me: “Definitely acts of service, like when you bring me apple slices while I’m doing homework,” he told me. “And quality time, like if we go on a bike ride or play Codenames.” I’d always thought his was physical touch — who doesn’t like a bedtime cuddle or back scratch? — but knowing that he feels extra loved when I do little things for him or we spend time together feels helpful.
Quality time with Anton
Last week, keeping this in mind, I surprised him with a bowl of Cheerios in bed before school (the joy!), then later listened to his drumming practice while asking lots of questions about technique and how he can possibly move his hands that quickly. It makes me feel so good to know that he feels cherished during those moments. Such an easy thing to ask and know!
Hanging out since 2013
Thoughts? What about your kids? Do you know their love languages? My niece told me hers was getting cat toys in the mail and playing BlockBlast on the sofa.
P.S. Tween love languages, and the funniest game to play with kids.
Comments
144 commentsWhat beautiful photos Jo!
So… the concept of love language was made up by a pastor without any training or foundation in psychology, therapy or science whatsoever, in order to excuse and validate shitty behaviour and/or lack of development in men. Husband won’t participate in household chores but still expects that the wife to put out after a long day of out-of-home and in-home work? Oh, that’s because his love language is physical touch, while hers is acts of service. And now every other man on hinge claims that their love language is “physical touch”, and uses that to justify their shortcomings and lack of well-roundedness.
True but I still like using it for good!
I didn’t know that, interesting! Makes a lot of sense actually. But if the original intent was to justify shortcomings, the strategy would seem to have backfired? People who are more aware of what they like are less likely to commit to a partner who doesn’t express that love language. Now knowing I prefer “acts of service” in a partner, I’m vocal about it. For me, those Hinge bios are doing women a favor by putting a red flag up front—great to know to avoid!
The concept of love languages, popularized by Gary Chapman in the book The Five Love Languages, doesn’t come from strong scientific research but from pastoral observation—so it shouldn’t be treated as absolute truth. That said, the problem isn’t the idea itself, but how it’s misused. Using “physical touch” as an excuse for selfishness, lack of partnership, or irresponsibility is simply immaturity, not a love language. Real love doesn’t demand, impose itself, or hide behind labels—it adapts, serves, and seeks the good of the other. Criticizing abuses is fair, but completely dismissing the concept is also an overreaction.
Wait, which ones are the love languages you love to show and which ones are the ones you like to receive love as?
Most people show love in the way they wish to receive it!
Question: does Anton have an electric drum set, or do the neighbors just tolerate the sound? (Asking because we have a budding drummer too and wondering if the electric will be as nice)
As someone who lived next to a budding drummer, please do not buy your kid a drum set (or take up drumming) unless you are a) willing to wildly over communicate with your neighbors and adapt to their schedules and b) can fully soundproof a space. I actually moved from a place I loved because the neighbor’s teenager started drumming and so from 2:00-8 pm during the week and 11:00 AM-late on the weekend there was the possibility that drumming would start, which made it impossible to work or read or do anything other than immediately go for a walk. It would sometimes last 15 minutes, sometimes hours, and they refused to stick to a schedule or plan around the many hours we were not in our apartment. It was actually hell, triggered migraines, and made our space into such a hostile environment. I think if you live in the middle of nowhere or can afford professional sound proofing, go for it, but if not, be kind to your neighbors and get an electric kit.
It would be really disrespectful to your neighbors to get anything other than an electric kit (unless you own a single family home with plenty of space around). If a child wants to play real drums, sign them up for lessons where they can freely do so at a music shop.
We got my child (admittedly only 5yo and only been going to lessons since beginning 2025) an electric drum kit and our neighbours (who we share a wall with) say that can’t hear it at all. He is very happy with it. I would 100% recommend this.
I don’t know if kids fully know what makes them feel loved best but I still think it’s good to ask and trust them. I’d just still also add in my gut instinct too. My younger son is absolutely touch he is my Velcro baby. Even as a baby he was always stroking my arm, playing with my hair, wanting to be worn. He is still that way at age 7. Loves snuggling, tickling, long hugs and lots of kisses. My older son age 8 is absolutely quality time. He is very reserved with love but when you join him in his activities suddenly he lights up and says lots of I love yous and gives hugs. You can see a physical difference when his love cup is full.
I came across this post recently for the ND kids/people in our lives and it was enlightening https://www.instagram.com/p/DUyYI3ICKKB/?img_index=1 My son definitely loves info dumping, parallel play and I love acts of service. Also loved the comment about written words vs spoken words of affirmation.
Oh wow. My son is all about info dumping and it is so hard for me to stay present when he is reciting LOTS of stats about things that don’t interest me. This was a good reminder that I really need to learn how to do a better job of embracing his information sharing. Thanks.
I’m a parent of 2 ND kids and would love to see this! This link isn’t working for me. Is there another way to find it?
Hey Kristina, try googling love languages for neurodivergent kids/people. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-5-neurodivergent-love-languages-8682618 this is an example
When I read posts like this, I always feel a bit uncomfortable that it’s centred around a minor. I know that your children have been front and centre in this space since their births (or technically, before) but as they grow, how will this impact them? I can’t imagine applying for a job, knowing that the hiring manager will Google me and learn about my love language, the stars on my bedroom ceiling, etc. Perhaps it’s because I’m from a country that heavily safeguards privacy and am unfamiliar with American culture, but with the rapid growth of AI (and all that comes with it), it just all seems so risky. I understand you’ve touched upon talking to your children aboout what they’re comfortable with, but can children really speak to that while fully understanding the extent of what they’re ‘consenting’ to? I suspect that this comment will be met with a lot of clapback from fervant Cup of Jo fans, but it’s something that has made me a bit hesitant to engage with this space the way that I once did.
I think it’s a fair question. My own children have gone from being okay with posting pictures to absolutely not and per my daughter’s request have gone the extra mile to go and remove any pictures of her that might not be private because she’s no longer comfortable with the idea of her friends being able to search her name and see old random photos of her pop up. Hopefully if the boys change their mind as well, their requests will be respected.
Alex, I wonder the same thing. This is an important topic to contemplate for the sake of children.
Jo has mentioned in the past that she is very open with her boys and does not post anything that is more personal to them. I would imagine, with that awareness, she would take down any post that they may ask of her in the future.
Alex, I strongly agree with you and this is definitely a topic that needs to be discussed. We have watched these children we don’t know grow up on this blog. They now have a permanent and personal online presence. It is public and now fodder for AI. I think this started out innocently but to continue sharing so many photos and information is strange and surprising to me. Many adults don’t realize the weight of sharing so much of their children online, so how can we expect the children to make this decision. Parents can do what they like but digital literacy is important and often disregarded
This is something that I struggle with, too as a writer (one not nearly as successful or widely read as Joanna!) I don’t share any photos of my kid publicly, and I’ve written about him before, but I don’t use his name. I tend to write more generally about kids and family life as inspired by him, but not necessarily directly about him.
I think about this a lot too. I once happened to see another blogger (thelittlest) at Disneyland, and I actually first saw and recognized her daughter. She was probably 6 or 7 at the time. It was bizarre, to say the least, recognizing a total stranger’s child out in the wild and knowing her name and other details about her.
Coogan laws, originally designed to protect child actors, are starting to expand into kids working in online content. Mom blog kids are very similar to kid models and actors and should be compensated and protected as such.
@nicole I once saw a mommy blogger in my neighborhood (not jo) and she was filming her kid as she scooted along on her scooter in such a way that just felt exploitative to me. like the amount of stuff she has to film to make good content is probably huge and it has to fundamentally change how she parents.
I really appreciate the thoughtful responses to my comment, I admittedly was bracing myself for pushback. @Emily Johnson, one significant issue with take is that unfortunately, once you post something on the internet, you inherently lose control of it. Jo could absolutely take a post down, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t been saved, scanned, sent, etc etc etc. Blog posts about her blog posts, saved images on snark sites, it’s all (un)fair game. The fact that anyone (anyone) can just save pictures of Joanna’s children, plus all the other children that are so heavily featured on this site, has implications that go far, far beyond ‘just taking it down’. I work in tech (so I guess I’m part of the problem) and the horrors I see are… horrific. I think that in the very near future, we’ll be discovering the impact that mommy blogging (for lack of a better word) has had on children. In fact, it’s already begun.
EDIT TO ADD- not sure why it tagged Emily Johnson. Sorry about that!
What about all the schools with free google/apple computers, placed specifically to form a data profile children from the earliest point possible? It is outrageous. I would never allow it if I had kids. Google flat out lies about what it does and does not collect so we can safely assume they all do. It’s really tremendously vital that this practice is eliminated as a business model..
You aren’t the parent here. This is a problem on so many levels. Stop sharing your opinions about how actual parents parent their OWN children.
This is certainly a rapidly evolving conversation and because of that I err on the side of giving A LOT of grace to parents. They have had to pivot and navigate extreme pendulum shifts of what we as a society think is ok within the length of time of one childhood, when normally we have generations to adjust to societal change. I also really dislike that mothers in particular are judged so harshly for behaviour that likely comes from a very natural, instinctual inclination to share about our children, to connect to community. Seems unfair and another way that women bear the brunt of responsibility for a much bigger and more sinister problem. The problem is not women’s tendency to want to share and connect yet that’s what has become the thing to point to. At the same time… I don’t remember the last time I shared about my kids online because I am getting uncomfortable. It’s complex. But I think we can at least start pointing the finger in the right direction and demanding action from our governments. It’s like with caring for the environment….yeah, stop using plastic straws but don’t get distracted by each individual when the solution is much bigger.
My pre teen boy has lots of big emotions, and I’ve never thought to think what his love languages are. This could really fill his emotion bank!
My son (7) is quality time. He will gladly come along for a drive to the store just as excitedly as a trip to the park or someplace else more fun. He has never cared much about gifts except he loves new music and art supplies. My daughter (4) is very much physical touch and gifts. She has so many stuffed animals but names each one, cares for them all, and can tell you when she got them and who gave them to her.
My 21year old son’s love language is apple crumble (maybe called “apple crisp” in the US?). He surprised me with an apple and rhubarb crumble for my birthday last week, and made one for his girlfriend (and her family) to celebrate her university graduation. He will bust out an apple crumble for his friends at various times. We laughed about apple crumble being his love language only a few days ago!
I don’t really believe that people just have one language or even two to communicate care for others. Also I just think it depends on the season of life and the season that the relationship is. I used to think that acts of service was what I wanted from my partner, but these days I think dang it would be nice if he’d gift me things every once in a while or touch me outside of our bedroom. When the kids were younger what I needed were acts of service. Now that the kids are older and my partner and I’s relationship has shifted– I crave a little more romance (which could come in the form of gifts and touch).
“My and my partner’s …”
@tee… did you really just correct someone else’s grammar? Come ON. What an unkind thing to do, especially when the OP posted something vulnerable.
@ Tee — I know the correction you made is technically correct, and that what Mona wrote is “technically” wrong — but I gotta say …what she wrote is what I write, what I say and is what sounds/feels correct to me. And I say this as a journalist, (semi-successful) fiction writer, and a teacher. Sometimes …”technically correct” (and also like …according to whom??) just sounds wrong and dumb. Let Mona live is what I’m saying.
I agree, Mona! I find I can give and receive differently in different seasons. Figuring out how to communicate to people who love you that you’ve changed, now that’s the tricky part. Tee’s love language is correcting other people’s grammar, something many people in my family also see as an act of care ;)
Isn’t it fabulous that Tee is perfect!
I totally agree that love languages change with season of life! I feel like with 2 little kids I would feel most loved if my partner did something for me or bought me a small gift, wheras, in the the past I would have never needed/desired a gift or someone to do anything for me.
“… but these days I think dang it would be nice if he’d gift me things every once in a while or touch me outside of our bedroom.” Mona, respectfully – your partner is not a mind reader. No one is. Time to voice this directly to your partner and ask for what you want, if you haven’t already!
Can memes/gifs be a love language? I think they’re ours :)
The thing that has always struck me with the love languages is that the necessary element underpinning all of them is attention. Because even people who love gifts can think of something they could be given that would make them feel so unseen and people who love touch can be touched in ways that feel uncomfortable and people who loathe chores have that one task they don’t want taken from them. To me the love languages are a reminder that the way we show love is by manifesting the attention we pay to others into something: doing their most-dreaded chore, buying them a favorite food, giving them a thoughtful compliment. But this also might be something I tell myself because I never want to pick, haha, I want all five! My daughter said she does too, so we have that in common.
Omg! Yes! Thank you that’s so true, really considering someone else is what it’s about to show you care. Attention. 100%
Love this explanation! I’ve always struggled to understand what exactly is present in relationships that felt good (and what’s missing in ones that don’t) and my recent conclusion was that the difference was whether I felt only cared about or also felt cared for. The relationships where I feel cared for are always good. I’ve had many whether I know the person cared about me but it didn’t always feel that way…
Sid, Johanna, yes!! There is a huge difference between caring about someone and caring for them. Sometimes people get so caught up in the caring about, they forget about the actual person underneath it all.
This is so true. My spouse and I are in couples therapy and just the other day our therapist suggested we think about our love languages, specifically with regard to our relationship with one another. I ranked gifts really low but I realized later that part of the reason I kept saying I am really not a gifts person is that my partner sucks at giving gifts and I’ve learned to lower my expectations to basically nil. I actually would love it if he remembered my favorite flower or took time to pick out something that was specific to me but he doesn’t seem to have the capacity for attention in that sense. And it for sure goes both ways. He is a words of affirmation person all the way and I really have to make an effort sometimes on that front because little kids need a lot of affirmation and often by the end of the day I’m too tapped out to compliment a grown man on his lawn mowing skills. Working on it.
Imho this is one of the #1 strategies for good relationships. Learn ’em early, and use them often.
My husband and I have been married 57 years and still love each other. But his love language is acts of service and mine is words of affirmation. It’s been hard for me, because I’m an “I love you so much” person and he thinks if I say it too much it doesn’tmean anything (it does!) and he might tell me he loves me every couple years or so. His acts of service tells me he loves me, and I appreciate them (and tell him so) but I do miss the words. He just doesn’t realize how happy that would make me.
Hi Ingrid, what you’re describing is something many couples quietly navigate over time. One way to look at love languages is not just how we naturally express love, but how we most feel it. Your husband may instinctively show love through acts of service because that’s what feels meaningful to him, while words of affirmation are what resonate most deeply with you. It sounds like you already recognize and appreciate the care behind what he does, which is really important. At the same time, it’s equally valid to miss hearing those words. Sometimes it helps to gently share that while you see and value his actions, hearing “I love you” carries a different kind of emotional weight for you. It’s not about saying it often enough to lose meaning, but about feeling connected in the way that speaks most clearly to your heart.
Just wanted to say, in case no one has, that wanting to be told I love you more often than every couple of years is completely reasonable, and if he’s withholding something so simple that he he knows is important to you, it isn’t very kind. Have you told him how happy it would make you?
SAME. I just tell him I need the words (and try to remember to bring him coffee and do other things for him, because I know it’s meaningful for him!). He still doesn’t say I love you as often as I need it but so it goes. Thankfully both of us love to show love and receive it through physical touch.
Ingrid, thank you for sharing your story! My 30 year relationship shares many of those love language dynamics you describe. I have learned that as I grow and heal from my own avoidant attachment issues (which cause me to be overly independent, etc), I am more and more able to recognize and verbalize my needs. The more I ask for what I need, the more familiar it is for him, and we make progress towards not only living our personal love languages but demonstrating the other’s and we grow. Long marriages can learn new tricks too. There is a notion that an act of love is lessened if we ask for it, but that is the sort of thing that keeps us from deepening intimacy, imho. I love seeing everyone’s comments and being part of this community. I’m grateful to have a space to ponder the ways love exists, imagine that in today’s internet!
My husband and I are you and yours in reverse! I’ve had to learn to say I love you more and to accept when he says it to me. I would get annoyed because he would say it ALL THE TIME and it felt meaningless to me. Although, now that I have a child, I tell my son I love him ALL THE TIME, so I get where he was coming from :)
In my family we say “I love you” almost as a reflex, you know how other people might call out “bye” as they head out to school. I love that – without even thinking about it, we know that the three of us love each other. We throw the word around like air, and isn’t that how it should be? I could not live if I was not surrounded by love, and loving those who surround me. My dad is also acts of service. This year for Christmas he drew me a picture and wrote something like “when you were little I could cuddle you on my lap but now you are grown up I don’t do that. I am not good with words but every time I turn up at your house and find (annoying) jobs to do like build a step out of off cuts, just know every nail, every cutting back of a hedge is just me saying “I love you”. (YES I CRY EVERY TIME I THINK OF IT).
I can understand him being unconfortable saying “I love you” often, but maybe you can find other words that feel more natural for him and bring you joy, maybe he can state when you do somenthing nice. Like thank you for… , or i notice that … i like when you do… .
You may have already done this, but if not – tell him explicitly that this is what you need to make you feel loved and happy. It doesn’t matter that he thinks it might be overkill or mean less if he says it too often. If this is what YOU need, state that plain and clear to him.
I noticed Anton is wearing a cross and wonder if you might ever write a post on religious beliefs? Only asking since you talk about politics and other important topics. I love seeing more democrats in the faith based community, I think its important to have those voices and not just a negative connotation that gets dominated by red politics.
Hi!! Anton has been on a self-led religious journey and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. I am not very religious myself but I really enjoy going with him to “our” Catholic church, which has a really lovely and inclusive community.
I had the exact same question, and it is FASCINATING to hear he’s on a religious journey! at first I thought the necklace was just drip, but then it seemed like more… my spouse and I both left the religions we were raised in (me mormon, him jewish), and we have purposefully not raised our kids with any religion because of negative experiences we both had. it’s so damaging to raise kids in a high demand/control religion (that was my experience), and we tell our boys that religion is something a person should always choose for themselves when they’re ready and capable and have all the information. sounds like Anton is very supported on his journey!
What a beautiful person you are, Joanna! This is exactly what our family is going through right now—my husband is Muslim, my mom is Catholic, I’m agnostic, and our six-year-old son is free to explore whatever religion he’s interested in at the moment. I often tell my husband that I wish I had a friend like you. Often, before I react to something, I ask myself, “What would Joanna do?” Thank you for being a kind person in this world.
I had a conversation with friends about the concept of love languages and one of them made the point that the answer you give as to what yours is may likely be the language where your loved one doesn’t do it very often. We all need elements of all 5 languages really, so if you are new to the concept you may pick out the one that you feel you have insufficient amount of.
This rings really true for me. Mine have “changed” over the years in response to areas where I felt attention was lacking, or I’ve felt that I had multiple love languages at times when my relationship was lacking in multiple ways. I’ve also felt it harder to pick a love language when I felt really fulfilled (or single) — either wanting them all or feeling like I “didn’t really have one.”
This isn’t true for me, though I understand that it may be true for others. I personally have absolutely no need for gifts or words of affirmation!
My thirteen year old didn’t hesitate on this one. When I asked her about her love language she is all about gifts. Being thought of or remembered with an object or even a favorite food is her jam. This is so outside my wheelhouse I was almost dizzy. Combine this with the endless stream of wants, from fake nails to an ebike to hair extensions(?), I just feel like moving to a remote jungle and presenting her with a nice walking stick or perhaps a tree frog until the teenage gimmies go away.
I totally struggle with this same issue for my 8.5 year old. The gimmies definitely bother me A LOT. But I try to remind myself that the flipside of this is that she is also an excellent and thoughtful gift giver. She is endlessly creative, loves to share art, leave special notes for me, or make bracelets, etc. Asking for gifts is her way of making sure she’s being “seen”, and letting me know her interests. It is tough though!!
I was made to get jobs from the beginning so I had to create a babysitting business at age 12 in order to “have” anything I wanted…I also mowed lawns, washed cars, all the things. I have not stopped working since (sob!). But I made about $400 a month and throughout my teens. Not too shabby for a 12 year old in 1977…
Cheryl- my oldest is 11 so we’re not quite there yet, but when I was in middle and high school my parents determined my monthly clothing allowance ( if I did my nails, that would have fallen within it) and then it was up to me to budget and figure out how to spend it – new shoes, clothes and anything extra was included here. I do a similar thing with my girls where they get a weekly allowance and for vacations, I give them each a set amount and tell them they determine what souvenirs they want and it’s been amazing for me. No more asking me to get something – I just say it’s up to you how you spend your money. It’s been interesting to watch them being me things they want then pause and think on it and determine they already have enough of it or won’t use it. For bigger things like a phone – I’ve told them for years they won’t get one until 8th grade at Christmas so they don’t even ask anymore. They’re always going to find something they want and ask for but this ‘allowance’ really helps us!
A tangential comment… as my kids develop, I like figuring out how they learn best. My son learns by doing, just like me, and by reading, just like my husband. His little sister learns by watching. She’s a quiet force, and you’d never realize what she picks up by observing the world around her until all of a sudden she’s mastered something you haven’t seen her try before.
My oldest (now 10) has never been much for words but has always been a phenomenal artist, and her love language is art. When she was 5, she learned about the rarity of anglerfish (but misheard it as “dinglefish”) and made her dad a card telling him “You are my dinglefish” because he is so special to her. And last summer her cartooning class final project was an enormous 3-panel piece celebrating my end of chemo!
Oh, that just made me smile and tear up thinking of how precious and sweet little children are! How special it is that your daughter can express her love for her parents this way.
Why am I cryyyying at “you are my dinglefish”
Oh I love this so much, thank you for sharing, Amy (and congrats on ending chemo!!).
Thank you! We still tear up over the dinglefish card too. The cartoon story gets better: Ages ago I got a necklace featured on CoJ and have worn it since; she drew me wearing it!
My 28 year old – Acts of Service. One night a week I spent the evening at her house. I play with the grandbabies, cook dinner, run some laundry, vacuum… Whatever gets her a little caught up and rested. It is good for ALL of us. My 21 year old – Words of Affirmation. On Valentine’s day 10 years ago I left little hearts with reasons I love her on her bedroom door every day from Feb 1 to Feb 14. I have no idea how much they meant to her for several years. I know now that she loves words of affirmation – and prefers them written over spoken. This past weekend I watched her engage an 80 year old at the recycling center. Helping him unload his car and accepting a bag of geriatric potatoes. The grin on his face was priceless. She came back to the car and I told her I was proud of her for being a glimmer in someone’s day. She asked if I would write it down. My 10 year old – physical touch. I personally have a large personal bubble. This kiddo does NOT have one at all. Always kisses and hugs, and hand holding, and snuggles. I still rock her to sleep at night or tickle her back until she falls asleep. There is always a touch. The tickle on the back of my arm from the back seat while I drive. It has come with interesting conversations about consent. Since she must both provide and request it. She does well, but there are still some awkward times.
Sarah you saint!!! This is all any parent of young children want, a little help with all the stuff and to get it from someone loving and who doesn’t charge $35/hour. I hope to be able to be this loving and supportive for my kids when they’re in the thick of it.
Unfortunately, the 5 Love Languages is pseudoscience made up by an anti-gay Southern Baptist pastor who was counseling wives in his church to submit to their husbands. His five “languages” are basically an instruction manual for women to please and satisfy men who, more often than not, identify physical touch as their greatest need.
Since so many people very obviously relate to those five categories themselves, and appreciate how it helps them in their relationships with others — even if, or maybe especially because it boils things down quickly and easily in a very complicated world — maybe the importance is how the concept is used, in spite of how it was created.
I mean, a ton of men also use these love languages to satisfy women. I’ve read the book and I did not feel it in any way coersive or biased towards any gender.
Also, physical touch does not mean ‘sex’. It means “touch”, affectionate touch. That could not be more wholesome and I would not be surprised if men from the author’s generation needed it more than anything else, coming from an era where toxic masculinity dominated the social experience for most men. Not many men did casual hugs back then…
Dose1, thank you for modeling a constructive, gentle response to comments like this. Too often, I see people continue to raise the temperature. Thank you for so beautifully summarizing why there’s still utility in using frameworks with odious provenance… and I say this as an extremely progressive queer Jewish woman, which I mention to illustrate that I carry no water for that gross dude. As a physicist, I have no choice but to reference work done by a Nazi (Heisenberg) and myriad other gross people, because sadly, gross people are sometimes right (or right enough to be useful). We don’t need to deny ourselves useful language (be it in describing the laws of the universe or in describing what makes us feel loved) in service of damnatio memoriae.
Thank you for this context. I had no idea. I’ve never fully bought into the concept as I’ve always thought it depends on different relationships and phases of life. I do think it’s a nice conversation starter with kids maybe with the caveats that it changes :) thanks again.
Sure, and that history deserves to be mentioned. Thank you for bringing it up! But I think that there is an underlying truth that it is helpful to know how we feel valued or try to show affection and care and how others feel and offer this. It’s easy to assume everyone else wants and expresses things like we do. The love languages thing was made up by an awful person, and can get mistakenly talked about as though it is a factual, complete and exclusive schema, but there is an underlying truth there that I think is helpful.
Thanks, Beth, came here to say this. There is no evidence base for the so-called five languages — they are arbitrary and were developed from a place of significant misogyny. I think it’s worthwhile to pay attention to what makes our individual loved ones feel cared for, and to recognize that people have different preferences on that front. But I don’t think there is anything helpful about these five arbitrary labels, and their history makes me deeply uncomfortable. I wouldn’t use them for the same reason I wouldn’t label a woman’s negative feelings as “hysteria.”
If Books Could Kill has a great podcast episode about this book. I’m a therapist, and this is a sticky topic among therapists–love languages are easy to understand, a lot of people find the framework helpful. Also the context they came from was pretty harmful. I choose not to use this idea in my practice because I don’t want to send any business to Gary Chapman, and I don’t want people to think I’m aligned with him or what he stands for. When I do family therapy, it’s easy enough to explore what makes people feel loved, seen, and connected, without using the “love languages” categories.
It’s just a framework that can be useful in getting to understand how to get closer to someone. or to have one’s own needs met – note that nobody linked to the book by the gross pastor, or claimed it was backed up by science. The “acts of service” idea was such a lightbulb for me. Without ever reading the book, only knowing the list that Joanna mentioned, this framework really helped my marriage in a rough patch. And it’s fun to think about and discuss with my kids and my friends.
You are correct, but this is not how the average person in society uses it. So let’s take this as “we’ve turned evil into good”.
My 14 year old’s love language is most certainly quality time. They are never so happy as when I am playing catch with them, or listening to their new favourite band together. Upon reflection, I’m not sure what my 10 year old’s love language would be. I’m leaning toward quality time for her, as well, but I think she has quite a bit of physical touch mixed in.
Love this and can’t wait to have the conversation with my kids. Mine is words of affirmation and I prefer to stay a long way from physical touch, which is my husband’s preferred love language. So I’m working on it! Also wondering, can you share details about your white t-shirt (pictured with your jean skirt in the darling photo with Anton). I’m looking for the perfect one!
My toddler’s love language is gifts. I came back from a week-long work trip recently, and he just kept bringing me things: stuffies, beloved toys, books. He would give me a hug or a kiss and then toddle off to find something new to bring me. It’s been so sweet to witness, especially because it is so different from my own love language and that of my husband’s (where gifts are last on our lists!)
Cereal in bed really takes me back! I used to watch old movies with my grandparents and became obsessed with bed jackets and breakfast in bed. My grandmother was a fantastic seamstress and made a bed jacket for me. I would put in on in the morning and she would bring me cereal in bed. I was in heaven.
Ohmigoodness I forgot all about my grandmother’s bed jacket until now. Thank you for recalling that wonderful memory, of snuggling up next to her to read.
I need more information about bed jackets! Are they bathrobe adjacent? Like a wearable quilt? I’m not sure – but I know I need one!
A quick Etsy search has confirmed that I do indeed need a bed jacket https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/4389394270/vintage-1940s-bed-jacket-pink-floral?ls=s&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=elegant+bed+jacket&ref=sr_gallery-1-5&organic_search_click=1&sts=1&content_source=59b4c745-d48a-44b6-9b5e-de4d098fd896%253ALT98b9b404b3200376dbf96325699186e034d15149&logging_key=59b4c745-d48a-44b6-9b5e-de4d098fd896%3ALT98b9b404b3200376dbf96325699186e034d15149
Both my mom and my grandmothers wore bed jackets on the regular. I always have, too, but it’s getting hard to find cotton ones. So now I usually just find a nice cotton cardigan and call it a bed jacket.
The etsy link is a good representation of bed jackets. Mine was a heavy cotton quilted fabric and had ribbon ties instead of buttons. I did not like long robes as a kid, I loved how short bed jackets are, roughly waist length. Warm and cozy without becoming tangled around you.
OhmygoodnessYES to bed jackets! My grandmother had a pink satin quilted one and so often I’ve been reading in bed, feeling a little chilly, and thought, “I wish I had a bed jacket!”
Omg I want a bed jacket but I get so hot at night that I can barely wear bed pants.
What about food? The only thing that my almost 16 year old son seems to love is food and that is the way to connect with him. Making him special things to eat or going out to restaurants to try new food. You can call it acts of service or quality time but I feel like, we need a special category called “Food”. Because, he wouldnt really appreciate other acts of service or hanging out but food is the way to get him.
oh, what a fun idea! My twin boys are only 2+ so I don’t know yet, but it’s fun to think about. Someone else mentioned this, but I think it’s super important to recognize that the way you like to be loved – your love language – is not the same as the way you show love to each individual in your life. If you apply your love language to everyone you will undoubtedly be missing some important connections. Jo, I saw you mention in another comment that you are a “words of affirmation” person, so when your Dad does his acts of service, that is actually him applying his own love language on to you and not really what you need. Not saying two things can’t be true at once, of course! And you can still feel loved by your dad’s acts of service even if it’s not your main love language. I just think it’s interesting to think about. The way you prefer to show someone you love them isn’t always the way they want to feel loved. Side note – I always joke that women, once married with children, all become acts of service people. But maybe it’s just me?! Help me with the mental and physical load of running a household and you will RECEIVE. hahaha
Sarah, you just unlocked something for me! My husband is a huge acts of service person, and a lot of time I feel behind the 8 ball because I can’t get to things in time to do them for him….but yo! That’s because I’ve been working full time and mom of 2 kids and I’ve been at full capacity with my services. Now that they are older and more self sufficient in some ways, I have had the space, rest and time to be able to do little things here and there to make my husband feel loved. Oh, and also I got a CPAP machine and am getting better sleep. Better sleep DEFINITELY helps. I know this is a no brainer, but something about this particular combination of concepts connecting feels great right now.
I’m Team Anton for sure! The challenge, for me at least, is showing affection to the other person in THEIR love language. I am so “acts of service” that I instinctively DO things for everyone! It takes a very conscious effort to provide gifts or physical touch since those are my “meh”. Please pick up after yourself but no need to touch me or compliment me on the way by!
I think I am a bit of all of them depending on who it is. Due to my upbringing, I find it really difficult to give my Mum a hug or tell her I love her but I like carry out acts of service for her or giving her a small gift. I think that’s because she is always carry out acts of service or giving gifts to her friends. I also try to give quality time with her as I know its so important to her but find it difficult as she always wants more! My Husband, I always tell him he is handsome, he is kind and I am always so grateful for him because I don’t think he got enough of that growing up. I also tell my daughter how much I love her as I want her growing up knowing she is loved deeply by us both. I also love us all having quality time with one another. My Husband is rubbish with words of affirmation which sometimes hurts me because I want to be told I am beautiful and I make him happy but what he is wonderful at is gift giving (I am awful at gift giving) and acts of service. Although they are not how I would show my affections, I appreciate it when he is doing them. I am not great with physical touch, I can cope with a hug etc from my husband and child but if anyone else does it, I freeze up haha. Love Languages are complicated!
Thank you for posting this, Jo! I’ve heard of these, of course. But somehow hadn’t thought to ask my son. Will start a conversation with him tonight. Also used this as reason to check in with my spouse and his responses were lovely and surprising. You’re the best.
I talked about this with my kids a few years ago. The one that stuck with me was that my middle son needs affirming words, and when I scold him (but I think gently!) he hears it as very negative and like yelling at him. I have to remember to affirm him more!
Recently my daughter said something about hearing the ice in her water bottle during the day. — I always put ice in before she goes to school (b/c, like me, she finds lukewarm water about as refreshing as mud) but I didn’t know she noticed. I love that she hears the ice and hears my love. And she would rather snuggle on the couch than just about anything else. I thought my love language was touch but I need about 10% of what she does.
Every morning, as I’m putting water in my kids’ water bottles as I rush around to complete All The Morning Things, I think to myself “I hate doing this…DO THEY EVEN REALIZE THAT I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I PUT ICE IN THEIR STUPID WATER BOTTLES EVERY SINGLE DAY?!” Then I vow that I’ll stop doing it tomorrow…and then, tomorrow comes, and I unscrew the water bottle caps once again, and once again, I begrudgingly add the ice cubes :)
Just today morning, as I served breakfast to my son- Toast with egg whites on a bed of greens, hummus with a dash of Balsamic vinegar, I asked my son what the dish was called. He was like, it is toast, egg toast etc etc. And I told him, it is called, “Mother’s love” :-). I lost my mom when I was 21/22. She was an amazing woman and I dont remember any huge acts of love but do remember all the tiny things that she did for us that clearly stated how much she loved us.
That sounds like an amazing breakfast. Sending love from another motherless daughter – I have also rediscovered some of my mother in my mothering and it is profound.
I’m going to be the person who starts a side convo today-sorry! Heading to indianapolis this week with my five-year-old and 6-month-old. Any things we shouldn’t miss? Restaurants with good food that are also kid friendly? Best playgrounds and parks? Cool neighborhoods? (My big kid loves strolling on shopping type streets and popping into coffee shops/vintage stores…and so do I!) thank you in advance for tips, which are kinda like acts of service :)
Children’s museum and zoo are both great!
We love Indy for kids! My ILs are there and we visit often. The Children’s Museum is awesome. The Colts canal playground is really fun, we always hit that up.
Two best restaurants in Indy – both super kid friendly. Milktooth and Bluebeard. Milktooth is a lunch/brunch spot. And Bluebeard is a dinner spot. They both amazing outdoor seating areas (Bluebeard’s is kind of magical at night). We take our five year old to both and have since she was a baby. In the same area there is a coffee shop called Calvin Fletcher’s (I think). The Children’s Museum is also fantastic for kids. Lots of shops on Mass. Ave.
Mass Ave has great strolling shops and restaurants. Broad Ripple area is fun for shops and wandering too (Monon Trail!) and Holiday Park is fabulous for both playground and nature and they have a great nature center too!
Echoing the rec for the children’s museum but it is pricey (to us anyway, having been to many). Beware of street closings starting now for March Madness basketball. The canal by the state museum is cool and a nice walk. Eagle Creek Park is among the largest municipal parks in the country and is a nice spring spot with many walking trails.
I’m currently on the fence about having a second child, and Anton is definitely a point in the pro column. He just seems like a wonderful kid and complement to Toby
Do it!! I grew up with a brother, and now im an only child. I guess you could say i have experenced life both ways and VASTLY prefer having a sibling in life. As for my own kids- I was one and done after a traumatic birth with my first, followed by PPD and divorce. Ive since been blessed with another son and the appreciation hits me like a wave daily. They couldnt be more opposite- but seeing their bond is the greatest joy i could have ever experienced.
Hi Elizabeth! Not sure if you are looking to just share or looking for thoughts. And I know so much of this is so outside of our control. I spent many years on the fence as well. Now, five years into two children, I can say, without a doubt, I’m grateful. There was a lot lost to make the shift from one to two happen, but I love having two brothers.
Adult only child and I say do it. I was lonely growing up and now as an adult child with both parents passed on, it’s lonely again. There is no one left to remember things about childhood, no one to remember my mom and dad. My dad died when I was six, so I have virtually no memories of him anyway. I had two boys, two years apart and while they live in different states now that they are adults and are very different people, my hope is they will at some point appreciate that there are two of them to share the load when I get older or there are difficult decisions to be made.
If I regret anything from my 50 years of life it is that I only had one child. It all felt so unaffordable and impossible, but I wish I had done it anyway.
i’m an only child and decided to have two children because they’ll always have each other. i always desperately wanted a sibling when i was a kid but am now at peace with my childhood. i do wish now, as an adult, that i had someone else in the world who understood my parents and their weirdness the way i do. as a mom i love having my two wonderfully different children and there’s a nice balance to our life as a family of four. i like imagining the moments theyll hopefully have as adults, whether they are close friends or not, looking back at shared childhood memories (good and bad). that feels like a deeply connecting experience, i’d imagine. good luck with your choice!!
40 yr old only child of early on divorced parents here – I feel strange not having anyone other than each individual parent to have memories with (many which they dont recall) I have two children spaced 6 yrs apart and I can’t imagine life without either one … however, it’s been incredibly difficult because each child seems to want to be the only child and wants all the attention from my husband and I. I do hope that in the end they will be the best of friends as adults. It’s a beautiful thing when they do get along and laugh together. Nothing feels better. But it is incredibly hard as well !
I am a children’s librarian, and whilst I do love children (it’s the kids who brought about this change of career), the other day after storytime when all the only children were being delightful and every single sibling family were melting down and bickering, I did whisper to my colleague “Not once have I regretted stopping at one”. I have an only child because only children are the BEST POEPLE OUT THERE. I have never met an only child I didn’t think was brilliant. Anyway good luck. There is no wrong decision though, but you can’t make your kids like each other, and most of the time they probably wont so get ready for a lot more whinging.
Agree with all the replies but came here to put another point in the pro column! Having two is harder than one for obvious reasons but I promise it’ll be worth it if you do decide to have a second one! My husband and I have high fived each other countless times over the fact that we have two kids lol. You think you can’t possibly love your second as much as your first but you will – your heart expands in the most beautiful way! Yes, there’s extra bickering and whining but it’s totally worth it. You know what’s best for you though and I also agree with the comments here that if you decide to stick with one that’s totally fine too! Only children do just fine – and newer studies are showing that you really don’t need to be worried: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201910/growing-up-without-siblings-adult-only-children-speak-out
This is very interesting. I’m having a hard time with my 17 year old son. I “know” he loves me, but I definitely don’t get enough affirmation from him. My husband has told it’s normal, but I can’t help feeling hurt. Harder too because he’s graduating this year. We don’t know yet where his is going and I’m struggling emotionally. Like, when I picture him as a toddler, it brings tears to my eyes and I sometimes end up in a full-on cry. He’s so busy with school, sports, figuring out what to do with his life, that it’s hard to just have a conversation with him. Anyway, I think he lets me know in little ways – asking if I’d like him to make extra hard boiled eggs so I can have some or if he’s free, asking if I need help with dinner. I’m just craving some hugs and “I love yous”. My 15 year old daughter is so easy in comparison. It’s funny though, for love language – I want them all! Acts of service – yes!! Bring me the wood for the fire without me asking. Touch? A hug from the kids would be great. Affirmation? Yes please my dear son, tell me you love me! <3
Your son sounds very “acts of service” from your examples, and not so much words or touch, so bask in those offers of help! And note to parents: as a college professor please know that even though your children might seem to behave otherwise they SO love, admire, and appreciate you!
Penny! I am in the same boat (literally same aged kids older boy younger girl with similar sounding personality). Joanna’s relationship with Toby sounds so warm and close! I would love to have that type of mother son relationship as well. Not sure it’s in the cards now or ever. Your son’s small acts of helpfulness sound loving to me. My son took great effort to make me a special handmade Christmas ornament this year. It was really touching! But he is not into saying I love you or giving big hugs, it is just not in his personality or comfort zone. I accept it and will enjoy him for who he is.
Boys seem to open up when you drive with them. Maybe try that or try eating out if he loves to eat out.
Oh, thank you ladies for the affirmations and suggestions! And Lynn, that reminded me that my son always makes cards – birthday, Christmas…they are funny and personalized.
came here to say something similar. I have two boys, younger though, just entering the teens. one used to be like Anton, super affectionate and snuggly, and he’s suddenly decided he doesn’t want any affection at all. it’s hard, but I remind myself that I’m teaching him to be respectful of other people’s bodies and autonomy, so I have to model that. neither of them has said “I love you” to me in a few years probably… but these kids just are who they are. we didn’t have kids for the affection; maybe we thought that was why! but now we can get cats if we want guaranteed snuggles (#notallcats). some of it is that physical affection becomes something very different for them as adolescents and it’s confusing when that gets mixed up with their mom. but we don’t want them getting the idea that ANYBODY has a right to anybody else’s body. it’s hard, but HE COOKS WITH YOU??? that’s my dream! mine will cook with their dad but not with me, the audacity! :D
Your son loves you, probably more than anyone else in the whole wide world. You know you can talk to him. My boy is 16 and we were talking about how in English he needs to write answers in paragraphs, even whole pages… seriously he said “I only need one line to answer the question”. I suspect a lot of boys are like this, they don’t feel they need to say too much, or say it more than once. They’re not great at really demonstrating… but there’s lots going on inside. If you tell him he might just give you a few words, that you should remember because it make take a while to get them again. But talk to him, he might be needing you – remember our boys are suffering far more than we know and they don’t have a language. I heard a child psychologist talking about teens and she said that boys are successfully killing themselves in huge numbers, but they’re not reflected in the surveys because the surveys captures the feelings girls attach themselves to – helplessness, anxious, but boys might have responded if they said are you angry. I know he loves you, just help him show you how much. Celia Lashlie from New Zealand has written amazing stuff about young men and how they feel. Try to find her books, they’re so great especially at helping mums and teen boys develop relationships.
I feel like it’s missing one thing: listening. Like really thoughtful and caring listening. Not words of affirmation, but being someone’s sounding board or letting someone vent or commiserating with them.
This might be under quality time! I think of quality time as someone giving you their undivided attention + presence.
Love this thread!
Joanna, you explained it so succinctly that I took a screenshot of it 😍. And, I’m imploring you to write a post on Cuba. “Late last night, a report came in that EVERY patient on ventilators at the Hermanos Ameijeiras Hospital have died”- thanks to Trump.
Jesus
My love language is, without a doubt, quality time. So much so that I really fall apart and question my relationships when I don’t get enough of it. My husband has had to travel a lot for work lately. When he’s been home, we’ve been going for walks, playing games, etc and I feel like a totally different person than when we are trying to catch up over FaceTime! My husband’s love language is gifts, so when he comes home from his travels he brings me little sweet things, which I love and value. But the real gift is HIS PRESENCE!
Also important to note that the love language you give can be different from the love language you want to receive! I’m always giving physical touch to my kids but the personal way I feel loved is quality time!
yes!!! great point
Yes, I came here to make this same point! Might be interesting to have another convo where you ask how he likes to show his love? Kids these days are so lucky to get such emotional intelligence through parenting!
My love language is and has always been acts of service. Wash the sink full of dishes, and I may cry tears of joy. Do a wash and fold for me, and I will kill for you. Bring over a dinner when I’m grieving and I’ll drive your getaway car no questions asked. So it’s been a fun adventure to learn and understand the love languages in my house! My kids are so different! My oldest daughter’s love language is without a doubt quality time. I take a walk with her and she’s a different person. She’s exactly like my husband whose love language is also quality time. My youngest daughter’s love language is physical touch. Cuddles, hugs, and back rubs all day for her. When she’s sad, when she’s happy, just because. She is so different from all of us but it’s been a really cute addition to our dynamic right from the start!
this is so fascinating to read! I don’t care about acts of service — I mean, they’re nice and all — but if you tell me I bring you joy and you will love me forever, I will turn to PUTTY in your hands.
Mine is also acts of service, and I love that my husband and I both express love that way! (With a dash of words of affirmation). The one I struggle the most with is gifts – I really hate feeling cluttered or burdened with objects and dislike shopping/searching for a great gift, but I absolutely respect people who are great gift givers! It’s a valuable skill!
Well, Jo, I have to tell you… you really do bring all of us a lot of joy. Imagine thousands of gentle smiling faces telling you so.