Four Fun Things
Guys, tomorrow is the first day of spring! We did it!!! Here are some tulips to celebrate.
Have you read Strangers, the divorce memoir by Belle Burden? One evening, she discovers her hedge-fund husband is having an affair; the next morning, he announces that he’s done and…leaves. Her entire life flips upside down — all while she’s taking care of their three kids during the pandemic — and she has to literally drag herself off the bathroom floor. Belle comes from extreme generational wealth — at times, I was like, maybe it’s not the end of the world if you don’t get the tennis club membership in your split? — but her story of finding her footing, and herself, after her marriage implodes was incredibly compelling, vulnerable, and human.
We’ve talked about how walking (just walking) can change your life, and for my fellow walkers, I’d highly recommend BlissMove sneakers, which are comfy, soft, and supportive and make me want to throw away my old sneakers.
These Trader Joe’s chocolate-covered pistachios are also very good.
Finally, a friendly reminder of poet and national treasure Kate Baer, who spent the night at my house last night! We played Ono 99 (as one does) and talked about work, parenting, bookstores, and why it took her eight years to start watching Succession. Here’s a poem of hers, just because:
What have you been into these days? I’d love to hear.
P.S. More fun things, and a darkly funny book I can’t stop thinking about.
(The tulips vase by my friend Grace Cady.)
Tags: fun things
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202 commentsHot off the presses! https://variety.com/2026/film/news/gwyneth-paltrow-strangers-movie-belle-burden-netflix-1236698531/
Yes! Go Belle!
Keds making a comeback
Re: the poem- to me, documenting our loved ones is actually one of the few worthwhile features of our phones (the other being actually talking to said loved ones). I feel so grateful to live in a time when capturing the stages of my babies and their moments with my grandparents, my parents, and me (moms in the photo!) is so easy. The concert, the waves, the crane, sure- live in the moment for those, but oh! The children in the sand! How much joy I get from my photos of those moments. I actually routinely go through the photos from my, my husband’s, my mom’s, and my in-laws’ phones to identity the best 20-100 photos of my children from each month to send to our family’s aura frames and to create a Shutterfly photo book (waiting for the unlimited pages sale to max out to 111 pages!) with 400-500 photos for each year. I enjoy keeping the memories of this fleeting time fresh and I also hope the effort bolsters my children’s senses of self- they see reminders of themselves embodying our values (cuddling their siblings, imagining together, laughing, concentrating on learning a new skill) and it gives them ready reminders during difficult times that they have been/done all these wonderful things before and will do them again.
A sleepover?! Ahhh! I listened to Kate speak at her book chat a few months ago – loved her! When I went up to chat, I told Kate I had started reading her poetry because of ‘Cup of Jo’ and that you both of you seemed like dream friends – smart, funny and down to earth! Go girls!
I started listening to Strangers but it lost me when the caretaker was delivering a jeep to the private plane. But maybe I’ll pick it again. Women need to protect themselves financially, unsentimentally and regardless of any and all situations. Maybe it’s just those of us with single moms who get that. I would never trust my financial future to any man – and I’ve been a secure relationship with a good man for years. Shit happens. I see this trad wife stay-at-home girlfriend propaganda being shoved at Gen Z and I am terrified for them.
Jules – You are correct! I was a family law paralegal for 40+ years, and it was shocking to me how many women weren’t aware of their assets, didn’t have their own bank accounts, credit cards or retirement savings, and had no clue about the financial facts of their marriage. My mom was widowed at 46 with four kids, but always had some income during the marriage, and told us “never rely on a man” (ok, maybe that’s another issue — but I got the message! xo
Yeah scared for Gen Z too. Larger percentages of this group feel that a woman should submit to husband. Husband has final say etc. 31 % gen Z men feel a woman should obey her husband. Where do they get this stuff ? Scary.
Could you say more about what this looks like? My husband is the sole breadwinner in our family and we both have access to all the accounts (savings, checking and credit cards). My name is on the deed of our house. What more should I be doing?
Is there a way to avoid having the video ads take over the whole screen? It is a sometimes jarring experience. I understand that they provide valuable revenue and want to see this blog succeed, so no judgements or anger. I’m just wondering if there is a key tip I’m missing.
thank you for your note, Katie! we have gotten a few reader comments about this, but our ad network replied, “You don’t have any expandables enabled, so I’m curious what the reader could be mentioning. If it’s possible to get a screenshot or further details, more than happy to help track down what might be the cause!” — would you be able to email a screenshot (and what browser you’re on) to hello@cupofjo.com? I would so appreciate it! Definitely want to get this taken care of :)
Thanks for the reply and yes, happy to! I don’t actually know how to make it happen, but I’ll grab a screenshot the next time it does.
The browser app DuckDuckGo blocks ads automatically. I had to switch. Recipe sites are usable again.
I admit, I am slightly afraid to read Strangers. I got married very young, and then divorced when I was still in my 20s. The older I get, the more grateful I am that it ended before I had kids or any money to speak of. We both walked away basically intact and I have been in charge of my own career and finances ever since. Reading divorce memoirs always gives me a weird sort of survivor’s guilt. Not only that, my independence feels so fragile. My rights as a woman feel like they’re eroding month by month and there’s such a push from the far right in the US to put women back into a place of dependency (covenant marriage, repeal of no-fault divorce, household voting, restrictions on contraceptives, etc.).
If anyone is starting to watch Succession or is just a big fan, my brother and his friend have a (very good) podcast about it called ‘Roycast.’ https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/roycast/id1471541681
Ooh thanks Katie, I will check it out!
We also started Succession recently :-) needed time to dive into. Needed some time to get the hang of it, but now love it! almost end of 1st season
That poem is so great, and particularly timely for me…I work in mental health and we had a sort of refresher training on addictions recently, and to my consternation there was a whole unit on “technology addiction” basically screentime, including smartphone use, streaming, Insta, youtube, whatever, and I was sort of shocked and sobered to realize that I definitely fit the criteria for problematic usage of my phone. Feeling guilt about it but feeling unable to stop, doomscrollinng at night despite being exhausted….One of the screening questions apparently with more weight is “Has your partner or any family member expressed concerns about your usage” -guilty. As a mom of 2 young kids my phone has felt like a lifeline and a much needed distraction at times to break the monotony but learning how repeated use actually rewires the brain to be dissatisfied with real life experiences really made me think. Anyway I installed an app to block certain sites when im with my family and to limit certain apps to 30 minutes a day and it actually feels like such a relief not to have the temptation any more. Anyway that’s just me, I know not everyone feels such a strong compulsion to check their phones, for me it just feels like it’s such a bad habit and sort of an automatic reflex….
Thanks for sharing this Diana!
I just bought a Brick, which is this little cube you physically tap to lock distracting apps on your phone (you choose which). They stay locked until you physically retap the cube. Works better than time limit within insta, because you can just ignore that. I leave the Brick upstairs and I can’t be bothered to get up from my desk and walk up the stairs just to mindlessly scroll Instagram. Recommend!
Not sure what app you are using but I can vouch for Screen Zen as I’ve been using it for nearly a year and it has seriously curbed my screentime. What I like about it is you can pick a specific amount of times you ‘open an app’ a day as well as the allotted duration the app stays open. And you can make those paramiters for every app or just specific ones, the customization of it all is quite nice. But I’m proud to say I’ve never once gone over my allotted 8 times a day open for each app, and now most days I average 3-5 clicks for a set amount of time- which might still seem like a lot but its far better than I used to be. I also recommend supplementing your old screentime with something else, for me I chose to download books on libby- so every time I got an itch to “check” IG/TT I read a few pages of a book… read 70+ books last year because of it! Most I’ve ever read in one year.
Guilty, guilty, guilty! I have been trying to set up guard rails for screen time since it’s not a matter of willpower. The only website I visit anymore is Cup of Jo. No more news, in social media, except on Sunday, which I’ve dubbed “Social Media Sundays” and if I see something cool on Instagram, I have to put my phone down immediately and do it – like putting a sweet potato in water, letting it grow roots and planting the slips (one sweet potato has given me over 20 slips!). I also have a nest corner in my office with pillows on the ground and I’m not allowed to use devices in that space, analog only. I also got a physical pomodoro timer for longer work sessions and I can leave my phone in another room. My phone has a timer, of course, but it just pulls me into a rabbit hole. Would love to hear other peoples tips on how to curb unwanted phone use!
I have been feeling the same… I hope the timers work for you – for me it was too easy to just go in and give myself more time. Currently I’ve been doing better by just keeping instagram off my phone and downloading it only a couple of time a week, uninstalling immediately after I’ve browsed and lost interest. It’s finally becoming more boring. Still working on the reflex to open my phone “just to check” a million times a day. Oh and I have almost all my notifications turned off.
This feels like a very universal addition. I heard a tip to give yourself a rule to not look at your phone in your bedroom unless you are standing up. I want to try it!!
This is why we should all be pushing for legislators who regulate social media companies!!
For Joanna and the members of the CoJ community who commented favorably about “Strangers”: I think that novel pairs well with Jessica Anthony’s new novella, “The Most.” That book takes place in 1957 over the course of one day and is about a deeply unhappy marriage. Several reviews (e.g. NPR) said it deserves to become a classic and I agree.
I recently finished “The Most” and absolutely loved it too! I loved how each chapter revealed more about the marriage, from both points of view. Definitely should be a classic!
Hi Kate! Your poem speaks to me. Thanks for sharing your gifts with the world. Jo, I am so appreciative of you–your thoughtfulness inspires me to walk with more intention too.
I liked the poem very much! So true…
I went on a 3 1/2 mile hike yesterday with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. The day before that, a good friend with a young child (< one year) expressed that she was struggling so we went to a lovely bookstore/coffee shop that neither of us had been to and then walked around town for a bit. I took the baby and kept her entertained so my friend could regain her sanity, and somehow the baby (or the walk, probably both) helped me regain mine. Both days were a good reminder that sometimes a walk with yourself or a friend is a great antidote to life's problems.
I found “Strangers” utterly compelling — I think I read it in two days. I rarely read the Modern Love column in the NYT but Burden’s essay caught my eye when it was published a couple of years ago — the book stems from that essay. I realized she was Babe Paley’s grand daughter (Babe was one of my favorite celebs!) and her mother is a fellow urban planner (albeit working at a much high level than I do). My impression of Burden is that she must have one of the gentlest souls in the world. That she emerged from her marital rupture so clear-eyed but without bitterness represents a triumph in itself.
Ok I love that poem. AND I’m so thankful to have lots of photos of my kids over the years. I set up a rotating wallpaper/Home Screen and widget on my phone so I get to see two new photos every day of them. I’m otherwise very careful about my phone use, am off social media and consider my phone a tool. I also dislike how often people view the world through their phones, or instantly whip out phones in any spare moment. There is a lot of good in just being a person with random trains of thought, maybe waiting in a line and looking around at the world.
That poem stopped me dead in my tracks.
I read Strangers a couple of months ago. I put it down and almost didn’t pick it up again when she wrote about the horrifying prenup and putting everything she had bought with her inheritance in his name. I couldn’t bear it. But I did finish it and look forward to reading more of her work. She’s a wonderful writer. And unfortunately having a lot of money and privilege doesn’t shield you from feeling betrayed and heartbroken.
That poem is everything.
Walking is the best and has really been feeling amazing lately with the winter slowly giving away to warmer and lighter days. Can’t wait to read ‘Strangers’ and more of Kate’s work! That poem is everything right now – thank you for sharing it.
Strangers was such a great book – I actually thought the audio version was amazing too. And Joanna when you had the post about money/finances the other week I immediately thought of this book – how women really need to invest in themselves and to stay informed of family finances b/c you just never know.
Reading that poem might have just changed me on a cellular level (I did not intend this pun when I wrote it but it’s too good I’m sorryyy hahaha)
This poem feels timely because my phone died recently and I lost all my photos, notes and voice memos which weren’t backed up. From the past ten year. I’m heartsick and so mad at myself. It’s been a real grief process. And freeing in some ways as well. Really feeling it all.
I really empathize Oboe! I lost all my photos from during the lockdown years and it hit me unexpectedly hard. I think I clung to to the pics to make me feel like we were doing ok, we were making the most of it. Pictures on deserted beaches, many wonderful picnics, the home-made meals and of course the zoom school times. All gone, but still a part of us. I hope in time you will feel better about it.
Ugh, I lost all the photos of my niece’s first birthday party (I was the designated photographer) when my phone was stolen and the photos weren’t backed up. I still think of it! This is a lot more photos of course — I feel for you.
I’m going to NYC for the first time in June! Any recs? My partner and I are in our thirties and bringing a 17yo sibling as a high school graduation trip. So no young kid activities and also nothing 21+. I’ve got MoMA and pizza on my list and that’s about it! Everything about NYC is so epic and iconic to a non local, it’s hard to know where to begin! Thank you, brain trust:)
Fun question! The Tenement Museum is so great… you get to see how past generations of New Yorkers lived. And LES in general has some fun restaurants and people watching. The Highline and Tiny Island are great if the weather’s nice, and the Staten Island Ferry is a great free activity.
Hi Allie! How exciting. June is a great month, and so much to do outside. My 17 year old niece just visited me from abroad last summer. We spent most of our time in the park (Central, Brooklyn Bridge, or Prospect). Picnicking in the park is very fun and one of my fav ways to see other New Yorkers out and about! We also took the ferry a lot! Taking the ferry to Brooklyn Bridge Park is very convenient from most of the city. You can spend time in the park and then walk the Brooklyn or Manhattan bridge and go to Chinatown for a meal or many small meals. You may also catch a free concert in the park – check the park schedule. There is a lot of free stuff to do, and a lot of walking. Enjoy!!
I think just walking around the Lower East Side or The East Village might be fun. Karaoke in Koreatown, or a tour through the Tenement Museum is appealing to all ages. Moma is great, so Is the Met and AMNH if you have the time.
Walk across the Brooklyn bridge. Eat dumplings in Chinatown – go for a crowded hole in the wall Kossairs Bagels and The Tenament Museum or Museum of the Chinese in America never dissapoint Take the train to Brighton Beach and ride the Cyclone – it was my grandparents 5 cent first date ! Eat a soft serve icecream from a truck.
I am not a New Yorker, but if your 17-year-old loves any movies set in NYC, go to the places they were filmed! My girlfriends and I rewatched our favorite “You’ve Got Mail” on a NYC visit, and then went to the places in the scenes. It was so fun! And made the visit less overwhelming, by narrowing down options. We also rode the carousel in Central Park, visited Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty, went up 30 Rock . . . all recommended. Have so much fun!
Go to as many shows as you can!
The highline is great! Or walk across the Brooklyn Bridge and get pizza at Grimaldis. All the city parks are great and there are some super old churches and cool historic buildings especially near the East Village. Definitely get bagels too! Tompkins Square Bagels is one of my faves. The NYC library is also worth the visit.
Have fun! Are you two and the kid more sporty, artsy, history, what?
Born and raised NYC gal here – my best advice to anyone visiting NYC is to set aside a good amount of time to walk. New York is a walking city and there is just so much to see. Plus you’ll be here when the weather is great! Walk through Central Park. Walk through the Village. Walk along the Hudson River. Pack a picnic and find a bench for people watching. The fashion here is so good and the variety of what you will see is beyond compare. Ever see a woman in a business suit walking a lizard on her lunch break? How about a group of big strong men making tons of cotton candy court-side at a local basketball game? Or a family with 3 young children all speaking at the same time in different languages seemingly at but not to each other? You can’t go wrong with a bagel and lox or a high quality Italian deli sandwich (or sangwich as I say with my heavy Brooklyn accent – anyone else add a g there?). Take it all in because this city is truly magical.
My big rec to everyone is to get out on the water – water taxis are super fun, you can take them to Brooklyn or the Rockaways. – The ferry to Staten Island is great as well (I once took it at sunset, highly recommend getting to see lady liberty at sunset). – I like the Whitney and Guggenheim more than MOMA, but MOMA is definitely worth visiting. Try to go when it isn’t busy, otherwise you might have to wait in line to see some pieces bc people are taking selfies with it. – The American Folk Art museum is not well known, but very worth it. It’s on the upper west side, so you can visit Lincoln Center too – the fountain is worth a visit. – Grab a lunch at Daily Provisions (I rec whatever is the vegetarian sandwich when you go) and head to the park (aka, Central Park) for a picnic. – Get some Citi bikes and bike around the park as well. – The restaurant Miznon is super worth a visit – there are multiple in the city (including Chelsea Market – if you go to the Whitney, it is close by). Get the green beans. Trust me. – I had always wanted to, but never got around to when I lived there, walk across the Brooklyn Bridge at sunset. – The lower east side is worth a visit – the tenement museum and Essex market in particular.
So many great recommendations here! Only one I’d add is to try to see a broadway or off-broadway show, if you can swing it. You might enjoy 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee or The Play that Goes Wrong off-broadway. I’ve heard teens like Hadestown & The Outsiders, and the Stranger Things play is amazing, if they are a Stranger Things fan. Or you can go to the TKTS booth in times square and just buy tickets for what’s available!
If the New York Liberty are in town, try to see them play at Barclays Center. Not as expensive as some other sports tickets, family friendly atmosphere, Ellie the mascot, always a good time. Eat in lower Manhattan or somewhere fun in Brooklyn.
Another born and raised New Yorker, Lower East Side native and yaaaay you’re coming to NYC! – Russ and Daughters has the best bagels and lox (IMO) and is a NY institution. – Katz is only a block away and is also an NY institution. The sandwiches are overpriced but they are huge and can easily be split with two people. The line is ridiculous so time accordingly (and my fellow native called it “sangwiches” and they are RIGHT lol) – Across the street from Katz is Labortorio de Gelato and it’s GOOD. – Kiki’s on the Lower East Side is very hipster, very cool and has yum Greek food. Get there before 5pm bc there will be a line. – Scarr’s pizza on the Lower East Side is solid – Yes to all the museums! I love The Whitney but also check out the Studio Museum in Harlem. It recently re-opened and it’s supposed to be wonderful. – Avoid midtown and Times Square as much as possible and do NOT eat around there, food is not good and it’s super touristy and locals avoid it like the plague. – Yes to walking everywhere and I love the Lower East Side and East Village but I’m def biased – Walking in the West Village is lovely – go to Washington Square Park, lots of college kids and characters. – Remember it’s pronounced “House-ton” Street and NOT “Houston” (like in Texas) even though it’s spelled the same way (don’t ask me why) – Make sure you ride the train, it can be uh, an “experience” but that’s part of the city. – Don’t be afraid to ask locals for directions if you’re lost on the subway platform. We looooove telling tourists how to get around. Have FUN!
It was a long, long winter and I’m ever so grateful that warm weather is just about here. It was my first winter as a retired teacher and I wasn’t prepared. I had too much time on my hands and it was so cold for so long — there were some hard days there. Yay for the daffodils and robins and longer days!
Oh. The sadness I feel, truly, when I’m at a concert or a special event or anywhere really and people are watching everything thought the lens of their phones. And I am certain they will never watch those videos and they cheated themselves out of a real life moment. It crushes me at the same time I want to hurt them for making me also look at their phones. It’s so distracting and depressing. Please stop. It’s like shopping cart moment and I am Larry.
I feel like you can do both. I can be at my niece’s wedding, observing and enjoying the loving moment, feeling all the feels, even a little nostalgic tear in my eye remembering her little chubby hand gripping the swing as she takes her vow AND still have my camera pointed at the moment they’re going to have a kiss. The best part is that I can then send her that ephemeral moment (for her) so she and her newly minted husband can also see it from my perspective. Win-win. Having a little device in hand doesn’t always have to mean we are missing out on life, it’s how you use it.
I massively agree. It’s crushing to be at a show and see a sea of phones
I agree that it sucks to look at a sea of phones, and most videos won’t be watched. BUT, I absolutely endorse snapping a shot or two when you’re having a good time, because memories are so valuable, and there’s no better memory cue than a photo, even a bad one! I think you can do that in a way that enhances the moment rather than detracting. In the words of Bad Bunny, debí tirar más fotos.
noo.. I understand what you’re getting at but I disagree. All the memories that are most vivid to me are the ones I photographed. There’s a line between obsessively documenting and capturing a memory, for sure, but it seems kind of tough to spell out exactly where that line is.
Anon Commenter, here are your choices with a phone- a) keep looking through the camera’s lens to capture that ephemeral kissing moment b) keep switching between your eyes lenses and your phone’s lenses 3) not use your phone at all.
That poem made me tear up!
Project Hail Mary is opening in theaters tomorrow. It’s one of the best books I’ve ever read – and listened to, because it’s even better in the audio version. Every review I’ve seen says the movie is terrific, so I’m very excited to go see it!
Got my tickets for Saturday, I’m so excited!
Also loving the poem in Kate’s new book that’s about buying all the things for the kids when all they want is for you to make eye contact with them.
Do they though? I raised my kids single handedly because their DA dad wanted nothing to do with them (not divorced, he forever needed space for his Phd, career, hobbies). He didn’t ask about/did a single baby related responsibility, didn’t stay up a single night, didn’t see them through a single emotion, and didn’t buy a single Christmas present for the kids. I did all of that in exchange for my career and health. Guess who accompanies dad to vacations, shopping trips and restaurant meals (I was told he couldn’t do any of it because he had work to pay the bills)? Take care of yourself, Mom.
Oh my. I have not read it but, thank goodness for Kate!
Whoever recommended “Fresh Water for Flowers” by Valerie Perrin, THANK YOU! I’m so glad I didn’t quite know what it was about other than this description. IT IS SOOO. MUCH. MORE!! And I truly am envious if you can read it in French. The English translation didn’t quite capture what I could only imagine the poetic language of Violette’s inner thoughts, but even then, I was absolutely captivated with her world. A #1 international best-seller, Fresh Water for Flowers is an intimately told story about a woman who defiantly believes in happiness, despite it all. Violette Toussaint is the caretaker at a cemetery in a small town in Bourgogne. Her life is lived to the predictable rhythms of the often funny, always moving confidences that casual mourners, regular visitors, and sundry colleagues share with her. Violette’s routine is disrupted one day by the arrival of Julien Sole–local police chief–who has come to scatter the ashes of his recently deceased mother on the gravesite of a complete stranger. It soon becomes clear that Julien’s inexplicable gesture is intertwined with Violette’s own complicated past.
I LOVE this book 😊
This book is the best!! I have recommended this book here – but I picked it up because of someone else’s recommendation in the comments that said – I envy you getting to read this book for the first time. So true. Read this book!!
I LOVE this book and her other books. I’ve read them in Swedish and the translation to Swedish by Sarah Gordan is so good.
This is so interesting to me. It is the only book that my book club cancelled because none of us could get into it! Isn’t it interesting how much tastes can vary?
One of my favorite poems by Kate ❤️
My husband and I have finally decided to call it on our marriage. It’s been a long time coming but I always thought we’d figure it out. We got married so fast and we’ve both had so many mental health issues; it seems we didn’t have a shot. I’m finding some comfort in old posts about your divorce and recent breakup.
Sending you love and strength, Kate
Sending you hugs and prayers. May it be blessed in all the right ways.
I love that poem by Kate and really needed it today ❤️
Strangers… I am so glad we are finally talking about the book on this blog! Regrading your comment, joanna, about her tennis club membership: for me, even though I am def. not a rich heiress, these parts were so important to include and actually SO RELATABLE. It’s not about the money, it’s about community and belonging. Who gets the community in the divorce, the places where memories were built? Who is ignored and who is still accepted by „the tribe“ after such a divorce – the powerful, „rational“ man or the introverted, hurt woman? The tennis club membership for her is the (free) BBQ-neighborhood group for someone else, the question is the same: Who get to belong after the divorce? As many others commented: I am still thinking about this book 1 week after I finished it. I have never read a book in a voice like hers – she was so brave to describe all the parts, the wealth, her naivité when in love even though she was trained as a lawyer… I am still haunted by her experience and it’s so well written. I don’t know where I first heard the thought: „the specific is universal“ – so I think especially because everything is sooo specific to her wealth world, it makes it relatable to different contexts.
This is such a great point, urs. Yes relationships in a community, friend groups etc are so important — your comment really reframed this for me, thank you!
“The powerful, rational“ man”. I haven’t seen any exception yet. These men also are in leadership roles in the not for profit organizations, volunteering their religious organizations ( and seen as pious, upright people), and are in excellent health.
Haunted is a perfect description for how I felt about this book. I literally couldn’t read it. I’ve been married for 20 years and the thought of being blind sided and treated that horribly by someone that you felt so safe with brought up too much for me.
This is so true. Divorce really is about who gets the community – be it friendships or place that you live (not necessarily the structure). While I certainly do not have her wealth, as a fairly “successful” person, those things matter so much more than I realized. And it really hurts when one person if far more willing to angle for those things than you. People will definitely choose.
I’m reading Cory Doctorow’s excellent ENSHITTIFICATION, on tech monopolies, creativity, and the assorted horrors of late-stage capitalism, and it is instructive and earnest in a way that I as a newcomer to a lot of what he’s talking about really appreciate, though the “what to do about it” section can’t come quickly enough. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/10/05/books/review/cory-doctorow-enshittification.html?unlocked_article_code=1.UVA.JJRi.0Xsd3p-iUQ7a&smid=url-share In more personal news, I was passing through our laundry room just now and saw a beaten-up BARBIE DREAM HOUSE* on the giveaway spot that functions as our building’s stoop, so I hauled it back up to our apartment and am going to spend the spring DIY’ing it into the Deetz house from BEETLEJUICE and filling it with scary plants as a tribute to Catherine O’Hara, obviously. *(2002 folding edition)
House tour when it’s finished?????
Sooooooo, happy for you, what a fun project! I watched that movie almost everyday with my bf and friend Wendy during the summer of ’88. Wendy’s style was seriously informed by Beetlejuice in the best way, such happy memories!
Fun! Will you be putting it out to be adopted again when transformed by a kiddo or is it home with you now?
Poor grammar on my end … Transformed by you, not a kiddo haha
I do not know the answer to that question, Bonnie! Will report back as the funk develops.
You wouldn’t happen to be watching the latest season of Taskmasters where this almost exact thing is an opening gift? https://youtu.be/4f39eGhk2gg?si=-tZbU5aTBcjZluA9&t=103
Betsy, I had no idea this was a common impulse (and had never heard of Taskmasters)! When I told my sister about the house she was like “OMG I have always wanted to give a Barbie house a spooky makeover!” What seeds this urge?!
Someday, I will say: ” I was there when Betsy introduced Lauren O to Taskmaster, and it was… a glorious day.”
Those pistachios look so yummy! Your tulips are beautiful.
Walking shoes: I gave in to the ON shoe craze and don’t want to take them off. I have had them for over six months and want to wear them all the time (ON cloud 6). I have foot issues, had plantar fascitis and nerve pain on the top of my foot but in those Ons, I can walk thousands of steps. My son calls them tech bro shoes but I don’t care, and I love them. Also, while half the country is freezing, Northern California has 90 degrees today …. I am dreading the upcoming fire season already. As a little glimmer, go out and enjoy, the NorCal wildflowers are amazing in the hills right now.
Girl! I’m outside of Sacramento and the dread is real. (But so is the glorious, luminous green of the leaves tenderly growing at such a shocking pace, glimmer-wise!)
ARC, I have been walking past an ON store on my greenmarket route for a year now and wondering what the hell “gn” shoes were. Now my ghost can move on to eternal rest, phew!
Question – how do people who are NOT rich get divorced? How do you afford lawyers? How do you afford 2 separate households on an income that can barely keep one household afloat?
My ex and I established as much of the separation terms ourselves as we could, and then used the most minimal amount of hours with a mediator and lawyers that we could, with discounted rates from both lawyers. We can’t afford two separate households and he was the primary income earner, so I got some spousal support from him and for now I am living with my parents, and he is living in an apartment in his parent’s house paying minimal rent. We are actually only legally separated so far because I needed to stay on his health insurance for a bit to afford my medications, and because we can’t afford to get divorced yet. We are in 40s, for some context.
They get divorced and continue to live in the same house. Harsh reality very common today. Happened to my sister.
My brother and his ex-wife discussed the terms that worked for them. She was the initiator of the divorce and suggested a way to split the money they had saved, then they discussed it and came to an agreement. They split time with the kids 50/50. As to how they afford things – my brother pinches pennies, does all his own home repairs, and their life doesn’t have a lot of extras/indulgences when it comes to food, clothing, outings. I doubt they would have come to a different outcome if they’d had lawyers.
Mediation is much cheaper than each using your own lawyer and if you don’t have a lot of assets, there is less to fight over so it goes faster and the process costs less. That was my experience, anyway. We did still have to navigate the cost of two households; my ex had roommates in his new living situation for a while.
Mediation is a cheaper option. Divorce has been financially devastating for me. My ex was not responsible with money, so at least I don’t have to worry about that, but I make a modest income and I feel completely stuck financially after divorce. It sucks.
I also agree about Mediation. I even wrote up our MSA (and I have no legal background) – I just made it very simple. My ex and I talked and worked it out together so we could avoid the high expenses.
It cost me $600 to get divorced because my ex and I were able to communicate and agree on a separation agreement (I paid a mediator $250 to look it over for potential problems, that was part of the $600). We put it forward to the judge and divorced pro se (without lawyers), this is in WA state. Of course we had big fights and blowups and both threatened to hire lawyers, but in the end always saw that that would drain all the assets that we wanted to go to the kids. It wasn’t a perfect situation- I gave him the house (and my equity) in exchange for my full retirement pension fund, because we both didn’t want to have to sell the house and force the kids to move out of it. It helped tremendously that I have always had a full time, decently paying job. I can afford my own apartment and pay child support so that he can afford to keep the kids in the house. We split custody, but their primary residence is the house and he is the primary caregiver. It’s wild, because I felt like I was doing all the chores and carrying the mental load for so long, and now he’s doing his turn.
I love Chris so much.
Having money makes all the difference when it’s time for divorce. Two of my friends are stuck in horrible long term marriages. They live in feature worthy homes, drive fantastic cars etc. but can’t get out because they spent all 2+ decided helping their husbands build their educational, career growth which translated into financial growth. Does anyone know of any blogs/IG/YT account to follow to help them get out of it? TIA.
Hi Hana, the instagram account @detanglingdivorce has tons of advice (run by a therapist) and she even holds virtual support groups.
Thank you Katie, so very much. You’ll be in their prayers.
I read about Strangers and it sounds compelling, but … I got divorced several years ago and for a while I read a lot about divorce. I needed to see how other people were making sense of the experience. And then, maybe 18 months ago, I just felt like I was DONE reading about divorce. I have processed it, it is in the rearview mirror, other parts of my life are more significant now. It isn’t who I am. On to new horizons! Curious if others have had this experience?
I can relate to this! I’m on my way toward being done processing. Because I went through divorce fairly young (early 30’s), I haven’t had any peers who can relate, so that has led me to devour any memoir I can find on the topic to feel less alone. But I also am getting to that point where, like you said, it’s in the rearview mirror and I feel there is so much more in my life that is more interesting/important now!
Similar! Our legal process is almost finalized and it’s been over for so long. I did a lot of reading and I gave up because ultimately, it ruins my good mood. I have no interest in reading fiction about wealthy people getting divorced. I put down all the recommended books how to care for kids during divorce and just paid attention to my kids. There’s a reason I’m the primary parent.
So happy to see you wearing some sensible sneakers, Jo. Remember the horrified reactions when you shared that one of your favorite walking shoes for vacation was a paper thin pair of sandals? LOL.
I am going to be in Brooklyn late next week. I had planned a trip to the Botanical garden, but the forecast is rain- very disappointed! I would love to hear ideas about how the hubs and I should spend Friday? Thanks!
The weather forecast will change by then! I would stick with your plan for BBG, and if the weather truly is bad or turns that way you can duck into the Brooklyn Museum instead 🌸🏛️
At the botanical graden, with a raincoat and umbrella!
BBG or BK Museum and then dinner at Agi’s Counter, Cafe Mado or Lowerline!
I’m reading Strangers and it’s everything everyone says it is – a gripping story, a cautionary tale, and a great read. Money gives you choices because money is power. Every woman should have her own money and understand how the finances work in her marriage. Don’t leave money matters to your husband. Be smart – men will always, always put themselves first. Interesting thing: My country men cheat without shame. But most of them don’t leave their wives and burn down their lives because they are ‘in love with someone else’ or they want to ‘find themselves’. There are exceptions, of course. One thing I’ve learned is that women’s stories are the same all over the world. Let us breathe in peace, please.
Good to see you back here, Nigerian Girl.
Anna, this is so cute. I wanted to say the same to Nigerian Girl: I read COJ (+comments) yesterday and thought, the next time I see your name pop up, I want to tell you that last summer you wrote a lovely encouraging comment to my comment and it still makes my life better. Thank you :)
Yes I am also a huge Nigerian Girl fan! I always look for your comments (also love Agnes from Paris and LibbyNan among others lol). If CoJ ever brings back the reader profile…
I read an excerpt of Strangers and it spoke to me. I am not rich but I had a very similar experience of a husband deciding to leave with no real explanation and refusing to tell me ANYTHING. That is what can be so disorienting when you thought you this special connection that would last your whole adult life…I feel very strongly that refusing to say why or what happened is a power play. You get to keep the upper hand emotionally if you just don’t talk. Women (maybe) often feel the need to rehash what happened because they want to understand and hopefully never go through the same experience again. By denying a left partner that space, that opportunity, the one who leaves keeps all the power (not talking about financial). It means that you have been set up to never have closure which some people really need. I have spent the years since my divorce learning how to live and thrive without closure. I am ok now but still have weird dreams and wonder how I would feel if I just knew what the heck happened. I got lucky, landed on my feet, and kept the love and respect of my children, which in the end, was what really mattered. I did have to stop reading the book part way through because it was so triggering but it is the first time I have ever read about , heard about another woman who had this exact experience and it made me feel like I wasn’t nuts.I love this community so much.
Suzan I definitely think it is a very cowardly power move! It’s kind of like a long game silent treatment where the person is left to wonder and wonder, and I think it’s incredibly manipulative. I am so sorry it happened to you.
I am reading this book too and had to stop several times, finding the husband’s refusal to explain his thought process exceptionally cruel and heartless. I keep wondering is the ex husband in this memoir some level of psychopath or is this capacity for cruelty possible for a wide range of people? … and sadly, I’m leaning toward the latter. Nobody should treat anyone they’ve built a life with this way, no matter if they’re committed to leaving or breaking up the partnership. I hope he feels deep remorse at some point. Existential remorse.
Four fun things: 1. Watching Bridgerton Season 4 last episode in little bits and pieces. Violet is the absolute best mum. 2. Reading “The Firm” so I can watch the movie. Yes, 30 years late. 3. Taking a spring break weekend to another city and taking my kids to IKEA for the first time. 4. A Dunkin refresher.
Celeste, I took my girl to IKEA for the first time when she was 11 and it was one of the funnest things ever. She was so amazed by it all, then would ask people afterwards if they’d heard of it or ever been there, haha. (It’s 18 minutes from our house and I had never taken her because I try to get in and out as fast as humanly possible.) Four years later I still appreciate her awe whenever I am there. Hope you have a great time with your kiddos. ;)
Unfortunately, The firm has not aged well.
The book, that is
Oh man, my kids loved IKEA! We also made it part of a spring break trip haha. The escalators! The fake food in the displays! The sheer size of it!
Our winter in NM has been bleak. No snow (or any other precipitation) to speak of. There is a high pressure over CO right now that is making it hot. It’s 80F today, which is about 2.5 months ahead of schedule. We are all terrified for what fire season will bring for the Southwest. I look at all the flowers blooming and wonder what is going on with our precious earth!
My region had a really intense drought and forest fire season last year so I understand this stress. Thinking of you x
I want to be excited it’s spring, but it’s supposed to be NINETY DEGREES in Denver Saturday. I’m really worried about summer fires.
Western Colorado farmer here, and so depressed I can barely keep my head up. Would love to know how other folks are managing their climate despair – I’m definitely not doing a great job handling mine.
I don’t have any good tips, but please let me know if there’s a way to support your farm. I kept thinking March would be really snowy, and now I’m like maybe April??
Denverite here, NM born–no suggestions re: managing the dread, horror, and fear. It’s a very weird thing to be pulling out the summer clothes in March. Trees are leafing out a month early. May summer be rainy, otherwise YIKES.
Solidarity. It’s 90+ here in California, and we don’t have AC since we live in a place with older houses where, historically, no AC was needed :(
In the PNW we had no winter! All sorts of horrible bugs are flying around and the mountains don’t have enough snow. We’re starved for sun, and I love the sun, but we need our water!
A sleepover with Kate Baer might be the best thing ever!!
That’s what I was thinking! What a special thing for you both, I would imagine!
The book Awake by Jen Hatmaker is also a great read (better listen!) about a similar marriage combustion. I am in a grieving place after a long relationship and found her grounding lessons so fun?!?
Can’t wait for Spring ..just 256789 weeks to go here in Michigan aaargh! Lovely Tulips <3 did you put a pre 1982 penny at the bottom of that Vase ?
hahahahaha you better believe it!!!
I listened to the audiobook of Strangers and finished it in just a couple of days because it was so gripping. It was beautifully written, and I while it was heartbreaking in so many ways, her longing for the close-knit, happy family and realizing the sacrifices and generosity she made marriage and in service of her family were not valued by her partner was something I am sure many women who weren’t born into generational wealth or famous families can identify with. I found myself thinking about the book a lot after I finished it and wanted to talk about it because there was just so much that you could dig into. I think it would make for great book club discussion. I hope to read more from Belle Burden. She is a gifted writer!
it would be SUCH a good book club pick!
JUST found out there is a Deadloch season 2 dropping tonight!!!!!! For anyone here who gobbled up the unique, slanty, exotic (to me, anyway) humor of season 1!!
Co-sign the awesomeness that is Deadloch!
My husband put this on our calendar! Can’t wait!
OMGGGGGG this is the BEST news!! I love this show!!
What a hot tip!! Thank you!
I’ve been waiting for this for YEARS and can’t believe the day is finally here! I can’t wait for more hilarious feral chaos from Eddie.
Yessss thank you for this info! Had no idea and loved season 1
Cannot wait!!!! I didn’t realize it was starting so soon!
Strangers is a cautionary tale that every married and unmarried woman should read.
Things have been a lot for me and my family lately so I’ve been loving being at the dog park with my pooch and chatting with people there. I’ve really become good friends with people in a way I never thought I would from having a dog! I’m dog people now. One friend I met through the dog park is learning tarot and read my cards the other day. It blew my mind! I’m loving getting into the witchy vibes with her. Plus she told me all about my name – Ceridwen was a witch/goddess/mother/ shape shifter. How cool it that
Dog park people are the best kind of people! Our park gets at least partial credit for getting me through the pandemic.
Big hugs from across the sea, Ceridwen xx I hope your fam is ok, and I’m glad you have found friendship in unexpected places xx
Your real name is Ceridwen that is so cool!! Love that you’re getting into witchy things. I started reading tarot a few years ago and it’s one of my favorite reflective practices. And when I quit drinking and boozy parties got a little awkward sometimes, I started bringing my cards and just doing pulls for people—I don’t pull them out unless someone is like oh she reads tarot want to do it, but once one person gets a reading everyone wants one and it’s been super fun.
Not my two favorite people in.the.world. who I don’t actually know having a sleepover!!! What a dream! You both have been such bright lights in my life, especially in these trying times. Keep doing what you’re doing <3
awww I’m sending this to Kate rn :)
I got new running shoes on Tuesday. After 10 years, it was much-needed and I’m currently training for a 5k. Running used to be part of my identity, and it was put on the back burner due to parenting. But it was actually Instagram (so, thanks phone!) that inspired me to get back on track, quite literally. Now I take the baby in the pram for a run or the kids play in the backyard with our neighbour’s kids and I’m off for half an hour.
Proud of you! What is keeping you on track? I desperately want to get back to running for my mental health but kids and knee pain and excuses have kept me from it.
I just read Strangers! I am two years married and newly pregnant and I WEPT listening to it. My husband and I spoke at length about this book. It was a good read, just so fascinating hearing about the life of socialites (and their offspring) in America. It’s a real examination of men’s ability to just burn down their personal lives. Oof. Hats off to Belle Burden for living through that and thriving.
I haven’t read the book, Strangers, and I probably won’t bc I’m going through something similar right now. My husband said he wants to leave our marriage of 21 years. He hasn’t come to a final decision, it seems, but everything is tense and emotional and just awful. What I’m into lately to preserve my sanity is working out with weights. I use the Barre Definition app and the workouts are simple and doable for my spaghetti arms! I finish each workout feeling stronger, which is what I need right now. I’ve also got my eye on the bath salts I read about in the Good Trade newsletter. Lots of good stuff in there each week.
I’m so sorry Lindsay. Take good care of yourself however you need. Weights, water, walks, wonderful people who love you!
I’m so sorry, Lindsay. and you + the weights sound wonderful.
Hi Lindsay, I am so sorry you are going through this. I’m not sure if there was cheating in your marriage or not, but, if so, chumplady.com might be a good resource for you? It got me through that and the subsequent divorce from my ex about 13 years ago. Things are so much better on the other side! Life will get better again one day. Sending light your way…
That sounds so hard, Lindsay💔 Sending love your way🫂
I am so sorry! My heart aches for you but I know that while it is tense, emotional, and just truly and amazingly awful right now…your life won’t always be. You will get on the other side of this in whatever way that is. You are strong. You can get through this. I know it in my core because damn…you are part of the COJ community and it is full of nothing but amazing, strong, tenacious people. In the meantime, lift the weights. Get the bath salts. And getva small misting bottle that you fill with eucalyptus essential oil. Spray it in the hot steam and for a handful of minutes you will feel calm. It doesn’t solve anything but it is lovely moment of self care.
Thank you so much for the kind, loving comments . Big cartoon tears fell down my cheeks as I read them, feeling gratitude and hope❤️
I don’t own a cellphone; my husband has one for practical reasons. When smart phones came out, we were too broke to get one. At the same time, I was taking grad school courses that had components of developmental psychology, which included revisiting behaviorism and conditioning. When I was reading in my textbook the reinforcement schedule used by casinos, I saw people quickly responding to phone notification sounds and becoming pleased at a stranger “liking” their photo of their lunch. Silver lining to our penny jar being our life savings back then… If you’re reading my comment on your phone, put it down and run away. Phones don’t have legs to chase you, yet.
I only use my phone when I have to. Kate’s poem says it all doesn’t it…everyone should read it.
My iPhone was stolen years ago and I didn’t replace it for two years and then graduated to a flip phone (burner). It was a magical time. Navigating directions in the car was the biggest challenge and I swear my brain and my sense of adventure grew. When all three kids entered/re-entered school my well-meaning MIL bought me an iPhone again. So generous and yet…
I had to get a smartphone 3 years ago for work, and now that i have changed jobs, find it sooo hard to get rid of it. I want to though. It really doesn’tmakemy life bigger… Love from Paris
La Croix Cherry Lime – delicious!
Ooooh Michelle I love La Croixs and want to try that flavor!
I’m looking forward to dragging the patio cushions out and sitting in my backyard. Love to watch the perennials bloom with an ice cold Sauvy B in hand and Janet Jackson playlist.
Sounds like my dream late afternoon!
You are living RIGHT, Grace
boy was winter bleak this year–i feel we have made it to spring by the hair on our chinny chin chin(s.) but we did it, team. we made it. ready for daffodils and azaleas, birks, and to be honest, even some humidity.
Just finished Strangers yesterday and it totally gripped me. My working class life couldn’t be more different than Belle’s (all those trust funds!) but I could relate to being gaslighted and treated like crap by a man with zero explanation or accountability. And: women! know the finances in your marriage!
Same here Josephine! I too was gripped because of the similarities in terms of a spouse that cheated, the gaslighting, and walking out of a life with three children, dog, and home. The feelings are the same, the lifestyle so vastly different. And now, as I go through the financial part of divorce I am grateful I was not in the dark, but I still find managing all of alone for the first time in over 20 years in a major wake up call.
Love the poem, thank you! My dating rule 10 years ago was “don’t date someone with an iPhone.” It worked! Marrying someone who’s present and knows the internet is trash (present company excluded) keeps the days full of little fun exchanges.
my mid-40s hit and now my feet need support. Those sneakers look lovely but won’t do for work. What are ladies wearing with jeans? Casual footwear, but not sneakers? I have loafers with an insert but don’t love the insert. Before getting custom inserts made, I’d love insight.
Are clogs an option? All my nurse friends swear by Dansko, and I’m strongly considering a pair from their new neon line. The variety is pretty endless.
great question!! dansko clogs are really supportive — nurses often wear them — and they’re cute :)
Hi Mary, no insight, but I finally gave up and got custom orthotics. I have a super high arch and the inserts never were high enough to hit my arch. They have really helped. I’ve had them a year and a half now, and they’re supposed to last 7 years, I think?
Rothy’s flats!
I like a clark wallabys and cool socks in a solid color.
My suggestion is to see a physical therapist if you can. I think strong feet (if possible) are preferable to an insert.
During their seasons – fall, winter, part of spring -I live in my blundstones with the inserts from the company. During the warm months it’s birkenstocks. I also love my on clouds and rainbow flip flops. I want my feet firmly on the ground to prevent falling.
Argh the poem hits so close to home. Wake-up call…
I finally prioritized myself (only took 18 years as a parent!) and started making art regularly (felt flowers, I’m thejoyfulfelter on Instagram if you want to see). It makes me SO happy and makes all the hard days easier — even if I can’t do it that day, just knowing it is in my future. The stories and comments on this blog of women prioritizing their own happiness were such an inspiration to me when I was trying to set aside the needs of my family and society’s expectations. If you’ve been waiting to find your joy, let this comment be your sign from the universe that it is worth making your own happiness a regular priority!
I LOVE your flowers!! So talented!
I love it! I had a similar revelation about prioritizing art (I’m at jenmaydraws, I just started posting and love finding inspiration on the gram!) and I ditched office work for more creative jobs. No regrets.
your felt flowers are lovely!
I love your flowers too. That red Dhalia(?), gorgeous!
The chocolate-covered pistachios reminded me of this Chris Fleming bit I just rewatched yesterday, in case anyone is in need of a good laugh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXXYfigdfw0
Omg I REALLY needed that today, thank you!!
Gold.
I haven’t read Strangers but 200+ pages into Broken Country I now fully understand why this passionate tale was on the longest waiting list at my library! Just read Jane Fonda will play the lead in the adaptation of The Correspondent. True? Peacock tv will run SLN UK. Fun! Garden radishes, spinach a lettuce plucked for salad tonight. Cute walking sneakers! I just bought Skechers floral print sneak just a wedding in August. SPRING🌷!
Omg I’m reading The Correspondent right now! Jane will be amazing ❤️
A really fun thing… looking out my window at the blooming daffodils my late mother planted over twenty years ago.
awww, that’s really lovely, libbynan.