Have a Loving Weekend.

Are subscriptions like to Who Gives a Crap (toilet paper) in your budget? I think the main idea is do what you can to limit the money going to Amazon and Target if you can’t completely quit them. Buy true necessities like what you’re mentioning but avoid giving them money for things that aren’t necessary. And if other options present themselves, then you can switch.

Oh yea, I feel this way too. I’ve been making choices when I can – like Costco (and having to deal with maybe not the exact brand I would normally and then squirreling the quantity in cabinets) and switching to the lesser evil. But I am also wanting to know what everyone else is doing.

I try to get as much of that stuff from Costco as possible. I use Walgreens too (are they evil??). I’m not completely off Amazon—it’s just not possible for me either, but I think it’s okay to just do what you can.

Great question! I have two answers: my own choices and also an Instagram account where she gives you substitute companies! Since that may be easier, here you go: https://www.instagram.com/cutoffthespigot/ Dish soap and shampoo (since this was your example): grocery store or hair salon Books: http://www.bookshop.org or my local bookstore Audiobooks: Libby at my library or libro.fm at my local bookstore Music: Apple because they didn’t have ICE ads and Spotify did Target/Amazon: a lot of good new stuff on eBay Clothes: my local consignment shops or Poshmark etc Cell phone: Mint Mobile (also it’s flat fee $15 per month per line) Hardware/DIY/paint etc: Ace Hardware Furniture: auctionninja.com estatesales.org antique stores and vintage stores

@ Kell. If they are a major retailer but still pay the artificially supressed “minimum” wage then they are evil. The minimum wage, had it not been capped by Reganomics, and instead progressed as usual to keep up with inflation, is actually between $23-$26 p/hr. But minimum wage people are not usually either informed or in a position to demand increase to that degree. They should strike, but they are too impoverished, so they are trapped by retailers who exploit them for billions of dollars in profit. That is why the Walmart family, one of the largest employers in the US, are all in the top 20 richest people in the US. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/minimum-wage-26-dollars-economy-productivity/

I am interested in reducing big box store purchases too, and agree it can be difficult because of availability of other options and higher prices at most alternatives. A couple things that I wholeheartedly recommend are a bidet seat and trying out a menstrual cup instead of tampons (very personal choice, but I found it to be life-changing!) I wish I had tried a cup earlier, if anyone is curious, you might find it so much more comfortable. The huge $$$ and waste saved are amazing too. A bidet seat can really reduce toilet paper usage and save money in the long run too. I’m interested in hearing more tips from others on big box alternatives.

One of my first “anti Amazon” choices was that I would not purchase books from them. Library, local book store, or Thriftbooks for me. Maybe you can find a few similar ways to *shift* spending that work for you.

If Aldi is among your choices, I highly recommend getting what you can from there. For one, it’s way more affordable than most of the other options mentioned, while still paying employees reasonably well. It also has a 100% rating on Goods Unite Us, which means it doesn’t donate to political parties at all. You likely won’t be able to grab everything you need from Aldi (I sure can’t), but it’s a much more ethical choice than a lot of the other options you mentioned. To me, making the best choice we can where we can is more important than doing everything perfectly. And saving so much money on such a big chunk of my groceries makes it easier for me to justify buying other products (like my shampoo and skincare stuff) from smaller, more ethical brands that cost a little more.

I try to choose the lesser evil, and avoid Amazon. I never thought I’d see the day when Walmart seemed like the good guy, but compared to Amazon, I go there if I really need convenience.

Gosh, I’d love a whole post devoted to this! Or a series. It really does seem to vary based on where people live and what’s available, affordable, and actually possible to make work. I know for me, I first decided not to use Amazon or Target anymore, and have been slowly figuring out where to go from there, rather than try to make a plan first, then opt out…but it’s very imperfect. I use Thrive Market to order Seventh Generation products and other home goods. I wish there were a big coop near me where I could get bulk stuff and fill up on dish soap, etc, when I needed it…

For what it’s worth, I shop at Aldi for everything except for a few things from Target. I figure that if the bulk of my shopping has moved to Aldi (which is much less expensive than anywhere else for most things), I’m still drastically reducing what I spend at Target/etc. I think any change is better than nothing. Also, my town is lucky enough to have a “ReSupply” store where I now buy laundry and dish detergent from bulk containers and cut down on plastic. It’s cheaper than what I was spending on those items, too, because of switching to powder rather than using pods and bringing in my own containers, and I’m supporting a local business and reducing my own plastic waste. Win win! You might have a place like this too?

I just got a in fight with my sister this morning over. She got all preachy and lectured me how she was giving up “ everything “. I’m doing my best. Giving up both Target and Amazon. I’m not sure it’s possible( for me) yet. I deleted Uber months ago when some of their bad practices came to light. I stopped shopping at Target (they use to be inclusive, have everything and have good prices)after they buckled under government pressure. I mostly ship at mom and pop places. I’m not going to demonize anyone for doing their best. I have more options than many. What if you are disabled , live in the middle of nowhere? Can’t afford to source everything online? Just do your best. Your heart is in the right place and the fact that you care and are asking matters.

Hardware stores often carry a lot of household staples, if that’s helpful! Dish soap, paper towels, toilet paper, sponges, dish pods, garbage bags. And often they’re still family owned. They typically don’t offer a ton of variety on scent (dish soap) or brand options, but that’s just the trade off. Maybe that’s helpful?

Emily Henderson did a GREAT round-up on her website: https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/amazon-alternatives-that-might-better-align-with-your-values

Check out Lisa Eldridge on YouTube – she has a video called “The Blush Trend Trap – How to Find What Flatters YOU” (and a ton of other good videos too)

I use the Ilia cream blush stick in the winter and just do a small swipe. https://www.sephora.com/product/multi-stick-P411848?

Try Merit’s blush pod. I use the color fox. You can’t mess it up.

I prefer cream blushes now. I’ve tried a few and I’m currently liking lawless. I also use the Ilia highlighter for a little extra glow.

Yes ! She was a goddess. Love Moira so much.

Agreed. She’s just a shitty person all round. I’ll be skipping this season.

Ugh, I had no idea! Thanks for the heads up. Last season was as flaming dirty diaper, anyway, including that weird, transphobic monologue. Guess Mike White and Helena have that in common.

Thank you for letting us know! I missed that one.

That sounds so so hard Anon. Sending you lots of love.

Thank you so much, Emily. That means a lot. x

I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. Wishing you the best and commending you on trying to take a gentle approach when you must be hurting tremendously.

sending love… this sounds so hard for everyone. I hope it just ends up being really bad for him.

I dearly hope she hears you. It will saves her many years of heartbreak. A man who gets away with these crimes will not stop. I’m so sorry you have to carry this burden.

thank you!! xoxo

Happy birthday, Joanna! Feliz aniversário! Warm hugs from Chicagoland! ♥️

I’m so sorry, Plum! I figured the trigger warning was the first sentence — I wasn’t sure how to add one higher up in another way in a way that made sense — I’ll think about this and talk to the team. I’m sorry again. Thank you so much for your note!

Joanna, what about doing something similar to the sponsored posts. I find the small header announcing that it is a sponsored post helpful but also unobtrusive. Something similar could be done at the top of the page for tws. Happy birthday darling. Xo

Thank you again for the honest notes and thoughtful feedback. I’m so sorry for triggering certain readers with the link. That sounds like a truly terrible feeling, and I apologize. I thought the link line would be enough of a trigger warming, but I see and understand now that it absolutely wasn’t. I’m adding a tw at the top of the post, thanks for sharing this idea, Laura. Xoxo

Thanks for saying this, Plum. I was busy gaslighting myself into “it’s fine, it’s fine” after reading the details of people’s responses to sexual violence on a link I was definitely not going to click on based on the link title. Your comment helped me validate my body and brain’s response instead. It’s been so much lately. I appreciate your courageous share.

Same. It’s strange how quickly emotions can shift. I’ve been working on getting grounded when this happens. I’ve found that most people have good intentions and just aren’t sure how to manage potentially triggering things. Wishing you the best.

For what it’s worth, I am also a survivor and I really appreciated this article being shared. Sometimes it feels lonely and isolating to be in this club no one ever asked to be in and I appreciate when there is awareness raised and healthy discussion taking place.

I also had this thought. I’m in a better place now, so I was ok, but reading the second line took it out of me for a minute because usually I can downplay what happened to me based on… the way I downplayed what happened to me? I wasn’t expecting to have my coping mechanism yoinked! I definitely was warned in the opening line so this is just me saying how I would love to be accommodated if possible, but an explicit “CW: SA” or something would help me personally so I pause before reading on. And Plum, that’s so real. I hope you recovered and are having a restful weekend now <3

Maybe if it just had the title of the article linked rather than including the paragraph description? The paragraph puts you in the shoes of the victim and could lead to imagining the scenario (at least imo)

Very, very sorry that you were triggered. But…and no malice is intended…I am at a loss as to how to better place a warning on a blog post like this. Of course, it could be placed in the first sentence, and I’m sure Joanna and her staff could do that, but not everyone who writes blogs or articles can or will. I don’t have another solution, but again, so sorry for your experience.

We get links for skirts, joke articles, emollients, and world news all the time on this site with much less data attached, so there’s certainly precedent for providing less lead up to linked content when deemed fitting by this site’s excellent editors.

I just wanted to echo the suggestion by S “ Maybe if it just had the title of the article linked rather than including the paragraph description? The paragraph puts you in the shoes of the victim and could lead to imagining the scenario (at least imo)”. I think that would be an excellent solution and had the same thought when I read the paragraph. I wasn’t expecting the paragraph itself to contain the triggering items. Thanks for all you do and your thoughtful approach and kind heart, Joanna and team. ❤️

oh my gosh, Lexi I’m tearing up. thank you so much of these beautiful words and for taking the time to write such a thoughtful note. it means a lot to me.

Quick question, Sarah! How did you make your sign? We have a really visible overpass here in Charlotte, NC that’s easy to walk to but the last time we tried to hang one it was just craft paper and not very durable

Mollie, we used strips of cardboard that we painted and then used floral wire to attach to the chain link fence. The cardboard probably won’t hold in places with real weather (not usually an issue in SoCal). Check out https://www.visibilitybrigade.com/ for tool kits on how to hang these

I love this. Here is mine: How Swearing Stopped This Short Woman Losing Her Mind, So F@*#k You. Generally, it works.

This is fantastic! Definitely going to be playing this game from now on! Life as a trainee dog behaviourist and puppy owner: “All my pockets are filled with kibble, and other sleep deprived stories”

Rebecca, I just had to comment on your incredibly apt title. I am a new puppy owner myself and there is SO MUCH WORK AND KIBBLE INVOLVED. Also, my puppy’s name is… Rebecca. :)

Hi from Minneapolis!!! Strikes work! There are lots of formats where you could educate yourself on the history of strikes (books, articles, Wikipedia and other websites, social media videos, longer documentaries) and I would encourage you to do so. At this point our primary power as Americans is in our spending and our labor. When we withhold those, we flex that power. When many people join in, and we sustain that effort, we make real change. And when we also pause from spending and evaluate how we participate in the consumer economy, we can start to shift our spending to keep it small and local and ensure that when we through these times we did everything we could to keep our small businesses and restaurants in business and in our neighborhoods. We have entire systems to dismantle to ensure the most beautiful future possible for ourselves and our children and it is going to involve a reckoning with white supremacy and capitalism and comfort. I’m grateful to everyone participating in strikes and bringing their power to the moment!

I agree. The small business owners have a deep moral code. Owning a small business is hard enough… But I am amazed by all the companies either striking or donating. But look at the more conservative businesses that are open and are benefitting off the strike.

You are missing the entire point of a boycott. Human lives are at stake, who cares about businesses hurting? JFC

We live in an area that just came through the winter ice storm and the entire city was shut down for a few days. There are a number of local businesses who admitted they could not take the financial hit from shutting down for the boycott, and were also keeping in mind their staff, who had already gone 2-3 days without pay. They all told about other ways they were contributing, and those were significant. There are many ways to show resistance and have power. The boycott is a terrific idea, many were able to be part of it, but it’s not the only thing that will have impact. I disagree strongly with the critical judgements and implications being made in some of these comments that those who don’t comply with this campaign have betrayed the cause and are indifferent to the human lives at stake. One of the many disturbing aspects of this horrible chapter in this country’s history is seeing people turn on each other like this. No good comes of it.

Joaqquina, I read many notes from small business owners torn and conflicted today about closing their shop/ eatery. To strike. It helped me see the multitude of perspectives. (Many of the accounts were written by immigrants owning small businesses) No need for JFC.

Yay Liz, amazing response!!! sending you love and support from Nova Scotia, Canada!!

Most of the restaurants and cafes in my Seattle neighborhood banded together to show their solidarity by giving a portion of their sales during the strike to the small businesses in Minneapolis that are closed. Such a good idea. The main thing is not buying from the big companies that are supporting ICE’s efforts and not protecting their own employees during the strikes since their bottom line matters most to them. Boycotts do often work.

Scott Galloway had a thoughtful piece on this in his newsletter over the weekend. Essentially, impacts to stocks and Wall Street are the only ways to effect change in today’s world so better to cancel Amazon or withhold purchases from Target in a structured way than to not shop at the local small business. Also, people aren’t skipping school out of willfulness. They’re staying home due to real and valid fear. Please take a moment to read more about the current state – it would help provide greater perspective of people’s motivations and decisions. For many, it’s keep my child home or risk them coming home forever to an empty home. A terrible choice for a parent. Also, very happy birthday, Joanna! So appreciate you and this beautiful space and echo the other notes that we may be far apart but we’re together in spirit. We see you, care for you and are cheering for you!

In our consumerist, capitalist society, money and our willingness to go to work are the biggest talkers. As a teacher who went to work and went to my local bakery on Friday, you should absolutely spend time and money supporting small businesses and schools (you can do this year round, not just on a single Friday) as well as absolutely support those who strike.

100% agree that strikes work. My husband and I are in the position of privilege (right now at at least) that we can stop supporting companies that do not speak up for things be believe in or push back. Am I going to hurt Target or Amazon by not shopping there? Probably not. But, if enough people make it a priority then yes, yes it will matter. And the upside is that I now buy the products from local, small businesses. Win, win for us.

Julie, I wish I had an answer for you. Your heart is so kind!

This is very kind, but it is very unlikely that anything you send to this child will actually get to him. I don’t think anyone in the ICE facilities is humane enough to give Liam mail. What you can do is find a place in California that helps little kids like Liam and send them coloring pages and cards. Find a community center or shelter and see what they could use for the families they serve. The only we will get through this is if we start in our own local communities.

Hello Julie – Your kindness is so appreciated. A person under the age of 18 will not populate in DHS public records. I recently learned of this locator after a restaurant worker in Manhattan – East Village to be exact was detained over Christmas. Here is the link: https://locator.ice.gov/odls/#/search If link is disabled, you can search: online detainee locator system.

Well said, Cheryl! I got some scary health news this week, and coming to this site felt like a warm hug. It always does, no matter the post topics.

We’ve been hosting dinners and brunches since our older (now 5) was born (well, really way before that, but that was pre-kids). We often do it drop-in style where we text the neighborhood chat and sometimes it ends up being dinner for 6 and sometimes it ends up being dinner for 15. My tips: release yourself from needing to look presentable (you and your home). Make a big pasta (I like to do a puttanesca type, or white beans+spinach+chopped tomato+feta) and save out some of the cooked pasta plain (in case of picky kids) before adding it to the sauce. This is infinitely scalable. Don’t make sides unless you want to – it’s just a huge pot of pasta! We put our dog in a bedroom and 3/4 of the guests end up sitting on the floor with their kids to eat. We never have enough dishes so we have a stack of paper plates in the closet if needed. Say yes to people bringing anything – we lean on others to bring appetizers (can be anything: fruit, cheese plates, pita chips, etc) which keeps kids and everyone else happy during the cooking. Babies swap in and out of high chairs quickly. Don’t worry if the kids just fill up on appetizers, it’s still food. It is a little chaotic but it IS fun!

We host all the time, kids included! Don’t overthink! We never make anything fancy (will save it for another life stage) and for us, 2 families is the sweet spot! 6 adults and however many kids. Depending on ages we let bigger kids have a picnic on the floor on a blanket and adults and babies sit at the table. Favorites are taco bar (easy for people to customize, shredded chicken in crockpot, easy prep toppings in bowls), lasagna (make ahead and heat!) with salad. And of course, pizza!! Community is so important so good for you!

Aw love this! You can do it! Lower expectations as much as you possibly can! If you want to cook, can you use a slow cooker? Or make a chili in one pot and provide toppings? Anything you can make ahead and heat when the time comes is perfect! I just hosted a family with 5 small kids and while I do believe they are exceptionally well behaved kids (lol), it was really fun even embracing the chaos and not worrying about a “fancy” dinner party. That can Coke when the kids are older :) Idk if any of this is helpful but if you’re craving hosting, go for it and reduce the expectations or outsource as much as you can until it feels manageable for you, and then let the gathering be what it will be!

My partner and I have been getting together for evening hangs with our friends twice a month since before any of us has kids. Now the kids are 14 & 11 (theirs) and 7 (ours). We’ve mixed things up over the years as the kids are different ages. Sometimes brunch was the best way to go (between naps), sometimes only playground picnics, sometimes dessert after the baby gets put to bed. My favorite years were when we would finish dinner, they would put the toddlers to bed while we read in their living room and then we’d all get back to hanging out. So, my big tip is to be flexible about when in the day you have people over. Foodwise, my favorite party trick is raclette, which is a cheese from the Alps, but you can use any melty cheese. Get a raclette machine, serve some boiled potatoes, carrots, slices apples and pickles, hunks of cheese and let people melt away! Pour the melted cheese on your potatoes, eat with a bit of mustard and you are in cheesy heaven. Toddlers can choose to only eat the apples if they are picky. The boiled food can be served room temp and heated on the top of the raclette machine. And it’s technically French so it feels very fancy! I’m partial to the Unexpected Cheddar from Trader Joe’s.

Such a great question! I love hearing people’s responses to this. We host the same three families almost every week, and here’s how we make it manageable. We rotate between four meals: spaghetti and meat sauce, taco night, veggie and meat rice bowls, and breakfast for dinner. These are always a hit with even the pickiest kids. Adults enjoy them too because everyone can build their own plate buffet-style. The other key thing is that it’s always a potluck. We divvy up the load each time so everyone takes on one part of the meal. For seating, I keep folding tables in my garage to add to our dining table, and I pull up a bench from our entry. It’s always a little chaotic but fun and not fussy. I love to cook, but my adventurous side has had to pause so I can stay present with the adults and the eleven kids among us! The kids eat lightning fast, and then the adults linger and chat. After dinner, the kids dive into the toys. Our garage is set up with hanging swings, a gymnastics bar, baby dolls, and magnetic tiles. For reference, the kids range from newborn to age nine, with all ages in between, about half boys and half girls. At this stage of parenting, yes, someone is always crying or upset, lol. It’s all part of it. Sometimes we put on a movie after dinner, which helps the adults actually talk and catch up. Hope this helps!

I’d suggest not making it full ‘dinner’ esp given babies, toddlers interruptions/needs. Have a variety of snacks, dips, appetizers, whatever suits you, put them out and have people come in a window of time and just visit and not have the expectation of a sit-down event. People love the appetizer/snacking portion of a get together anyway, go heavy on that, then just skip to some sweets. You can serve a mix of purchased dips thrown in bowls with chips/crackers/bread slices + sliced cheeses, olives, pickles + a homemade bite or two + heated appetizers from the store, then bring out some homemade cookies/purchased ice cream treats…. any or all of the above, all purchased, all homemade bit by bit ahead of time, or a mix of both. People don’t need things to be homemade to have fun (although I love to cook and want to homemake things so I plan and prepare things ahead of time BUT never judge/care if friends serve store bought food, honestly), it’s about finding a way to spend time together.

Two words: take out. Seriously. Invite the friends and order a pizza. Kids in front of a movie if they’re old enough. Or, move to brunch! Kids are more cheerful in the morning. Dinner is alarmingly close to the witching hour. Children and grownups love pancakes or bagels. Dinner parties can return when the kiddos are bigger. And movies/kids tables can be employed.

I do host people with 3 kids ages 2, 4, & 6. Some things I’ve learned: 1) be open to different timings. Maybe dinner is tough in your household but brunch is much more do-able. I also don’t expect people to stay super long. 2) foods that are simple and customizable. Roasted chicken is always a hit, easy to make, and people can put whatever sauces they want on top to make kids enjoy it more. Served with salad, roasted veggies, and a loaf of good bread and you have a solid meal. 3) don’t hesitate to accept the offer of guests to bring something. My friends always offer and I take them up on having them bring one of the sides or dessert for everyone. 4) don’t worry about things being perfect. As long as the bathroom is clean, table is semi- cleared off, and company is good then people overlook the toys left out or stack of mail on the counter.

When I hosted in the early years we had a kids table and chairs that was sized for them beside the full size table in the kitchen…. Because the kids could be independent they were…. I accepted that the kids would eat fast and move on, and eventually we brought more of the finger food (veggies) to the coffee table when we put cartoons on. The adults lingered longer, and every so often a bored kid would join us for at the table…. The house did get messy. I tried to do it a day or two before our cleaner came. Almost everyone came over to the kitchen table for dessert – everyone got a small bowl and every flavor of ice cream came to the table together with chocolate chips and 3 ice cream scoops. Pot of tea to finish because we’re Irish and that’s the way we do things…. Understand that the host and the house are going to get destroyed. Precious toys need to get hidden. Some non cooking adult needs to supervise and keep the peace. It’s okay to meet friends near a playground in better weather and have a big picnic. Hot chocolate travels best of all the flask drinks….

Mom of six here! I have figured out that doing first and second service really helps the kids and adults have a good time. We serve the kids first, paper bowls, etc…while the parents sip wine and tend to their kids. Then we clean that up and either send the kids outside or set up a movie while the adults have dinner. Really small kids like babies I like to be the host so that I can put the baby to bed and then come out and be a part of the rest of the evening. Oh and just make a killer humongous soup!! With bread, wine, salad. Super simple and everyone loves it! …cheap too

The key is a dish with a lot of early prep and not a lot of last minute steps – ideally something in the slow cooker! Bonus points for sure if it’s something that can be deconstructed. So… for me that means tacos, with slow cooked meat (carnitas? Chicken?), refried beans (so easy to reheat), sliced olives, onion (could be chopped the night before), shredded cheese, and maybe salsa. 2 families max, generally – and bust out all the age-appropriate high chair ish things you have and it’ll all work out! Ps this is easier on a weekend when you can start hanging at like 5, eat at 6, and get everyone out the door by 7.

I’d play around with different times a day. I found dinner really hard with small kids but brunch was doable. A bagel spread isn’t a lot of work, but feels special. We lived in a small apartment with small kids so we let go of the idea of everyone having a proper seat around the table. The babies take turns on the high chair. The older kids ate on a picnic blanket on the floor. Food gets served buffet style and everyone fills a plate and eats where and when they can. We had a good time (mostly)! Maybe the answer is – really low expectations.

Have you seen Virginia Sole Smith’s series on hosting as part of her Burnt Toast newsletter? Here is an example: https://www.patreon.com/posts/what-to-serve-at-140055505

1. While I love Ina, she doesn’t have kids so I’d take her advice with a grain of salt. 2. I have 4 kids and love to host other families. One family we host most often has 5 kids. I like to make a huge pot of chili with sides like cheese and Fritos. Serve chili in little paper cups. Milk or capri suns for the kids. Some kids eat, some don’t. Serve some fruit too! I have some kids that are big eaters and some more “selective”. Babies and toddlers can sit on parent’s laps or a little play table if you have one. Usually the visiting kids stay occupied with our toys while parents talk over drinks. We let the older kids sit at the breakfast table and grownups at dinner table. If you don’t have 2 tables, a fold up card table would be great or parents sit on the couch? Lastly we end the nights with a movie to keep the youngest occupied so the parents can hang out more, or call it an early night!

Hi Rae -For the menu, I suggest “fancy plate” for the kids – cheese, veggies, fruit, crackers. For the adults, quinoa bowls. Make a pot of plain quinoa, and lay out whatever toppings you want – we like canned kidney beans, avocado, bell pepper, grape tomatoes cut in half, red onion, salsa, sour cream, and sweet potatoes (the type that come pre-diced and frozen), Chicken or pork is good too if you want meat. The nice thing is that it is quick and can all be done in advance and reheated. OK now for the actually eating part…. lay out some blankets and have an indoor picnic. Toddlers can sit in laps or play with each other. I suspect there may be less crying if the grownups are in arm’s reach/at their level. Good luck! Also, ice cream and a variety of toppings always wins for dessert. ;)

I very highly recommend not doing dinner! We also love to cook and have two toddlers and we have switched to hosting breakfast for the time being. Most parents with young kids are up early anyway, everyone is well rested (way fewer meltdowns!), it’s super easy to prep things the night before, there’s a natural playdate after you eat without the rush of getting home for bedtime, and breakfast foods are delicious and versatile – tons of options, and can easily accommodate picky and non-picky eaters alike. And if the prep is feeling overwhelming, definitely make it a potluck! We’ve found the sweet spot for us is 8-10 people total, so us plus one or two other families. For example, we do monthly-ish “Neighbour Breakfast” with two sets of neighbours, and it’s the best! Often a potluck but not always, and we rotate between the three houses, so each family hosts roughly once a season. In that group there are six grown ups and four kids (ages 1.5, 3, 3 & 5). The older kids are all very tall and just sit in regular chairs, so right now there’s only one booster seat for the youngest, but for the first two years we just did portable high chairs or booster seats for whoever needed them. The others have big dining room tables where everyone fits but we have a tiny bungalow where our dining room is currently a playroom so when it’s at our house the kids sit at the kitchen table and the adults stand, and nobody cares at all. One of the couples doesn’t have kids (neighbourhood aunt and uncle!) but always bring a little surprise, ie. temporary tattoos, chalk, mini microscopes, etc, which is not at all essential but the kids love it. After we eat the kids usually play (outside or inside, or both!) and the grownups alternate supervising and chatting. It’s so lovely!

I love this question! I second what others say – it can be fun if you keep expectations for yourself low. It can be fun to make pizza, and it’s an activity as well as a meal – everyone gets to top their own! I also love making the NYT recipe for honey chipotle chicken tacos in a slower cooker – so easy, but it tastes like it took a long time. (Just don’t use much chipotle for little kids.) Assorted ice cream bars make dessert easy and fun. Ordering pizza or any sort of take out is alsobgreat though – just remember the point is to enjoy yourself. And agreed about a movie at the end for the kids, so parents get to talk.

I knew this was the right place to ask! Thank you everyone for your sage advice and encouragement! I’m a bit of a control freak, so I think my big takeaway is to allow people to help and keep it as low key as possible.

I see a lot of people suggesting more laid back approaches to the cooking aspect, but, if I read your post, that might not make you feel comfortable as a host. We have 3 kids and love cooking more elaborate meals. What helps us: – evening might not be the best time to have people over. Our friend group has now settled on lunch. We set up travel cots upstairs for the little ones that need a nap. – prep in advance: e.g. many dishes/stews/sauces taste better the day after preparing them so we do this in tve evening. Same with dessert: I often make a cheesecake that needs to sit in the fridge for 12h before serving. – divide and conquer: do not attempt to multitask but put one parent in charge of the cooking, one person in charge of the kids/getting the house somewhat presentable – a hard one for me: do not clean too much in advance, the house needs to look sufficiently clean – to actually enjoy the moment: with big groups, let them serve themselves. Embrace the chaos. Accept that in this season of life, most conversations with friends will be interrupted by toddlers, babies, someone needing help to find something. That being said: I always end up stressed while prepping (how much food do we need for 10 adults and 7 kids? Why do I need to clean up for 2hours just to make our house seem like a normal family’s house? Why do we have so much stuff?) and the only reason it works out is because my husband takes charge of the food and is the most confident, relaxed person I know.

Emily has nailed it. If you are having pals round with equally small kids, they will be so happy to eat at another house that they won’t expect fine dining. Mucking in together is fun. Leave the complicated meals for a few years or, ideally, forever.

You are so kind. As a mom of an 8, 5, and 3 year old–don’t overthink it. If your guests have small kids, they probably fed the kids something in advance or have packed snacks in case the kids won’t eat. Throw a big old blanket on the floor and let the bigger kids (3 and up?) have a picnic–it can be “snack dinner” if you want to feed them. They will love it. Throw some crayons down there with coloring sheets tailored to each kiddo (we like Morning Mandala) and you will be their favorite for life. :) For younger than 3, I’ve had the kiddo sit on my lap through meals. Or ask if the parents have a booster they can bring along–they probably do. Don’t worry about kiddos crying–the parents ought to take care of that! You are so kind inviting people with children over! For me personally, it’s daunting to go outside of the normal routine, but it’s so so so nice when someone invites us and is welcoming to us all.

I agree with most of the suggestions. I have 3 kids, 6,4 and 2 years old. My house is very messy but if I wait for the house to be in order and my kids to be calm nothing will ever take place. Even before kids we often organized a raclette, very convenient, no cooking except boiled potatoes. But I don’t know if raclette is easy to find in the US. Now we often order very good pizzas and nobody never complained because it’s delicious. As guests we very often have been offered lasagna and it’s a good choice too. I agree with the movie for kids after they have eaten. That allows parents to talk together lol

We host constantly and have before kids and never stopped even when we had little newborns. People are just happy to see you. You can order food and set out plenty of snacks – fruit and veggie trays store bought and chips and dip. The food doesn’t matter it’s the company when we’re talking about little babies and kids.

Hi Rea, I would suggest reading Bringing Up Bebe. I read it before my now five year old daughter was born. It’s about an American living in France uses french parenting techniques. They work!

wishing you a very gentle weekend Lee. I hope your child is feeling okay with no lingering aftereffects. take good care.

That was my thought when I saw the news too!

I immediately thought of this story too. It’s one of my favourite COJ comments ever. 💔

Just found out about Catherine at my work lunch eating in my car. She’s a goddess. I just love her. Loved her so much as Moira !

omg YES I have never forgotten that truly perfect story. (The comments on that whole post are *chef’s kiss*) RIP Catherine

Oh I know. I audibly gasped, at work. Will have to open a bottle of Herb Ertlinger Fruit Wine to toast her memory.

I thought about the same thing! What a loss.

Oh man, Cara, that is a gorgeous poem. Thank you for sharing! <3

Sob. My brother and sister both graduated from this school. Seeing it on national news last week just about broke me (on top of everything else that day). Thanks for posting this.

Thank you for that link – I just donated. Sending love from Las Vegas.

Thank you so much for commenting and donating, Joy and Love to Minnesota. Every ounce of support means the world. We are helping pay rent and provide groceries and essentials for hundreds of families in this neighborhood alone, and this isn’t going to be over next week or next month. It takes a lot of love to hold the line. Thank you for standing with us, for helping us persist. Your kindness and support is the glimmer in my day.

I think you’re considered an agnostic. And your approach sounds to me like Self Love, in action. Doing your best for you and all that you love. Do you love the earth and it’s beauty? Do you feel lucky to be here? Do you want to be there for those around you, and for yourself? It’s love. The opposite of anything negative. GREAT JOB!

Thank you Astrid <3

I saw Secret Mall Apartment at the Providence Place Mall! Such an amazing documentary. It blows my mind how much footage he took. Such a great time capsule, art piece, commentary on gentrification, portrait of Providence. Highly recommend.

Done. Thank you and best wishes.

Thank you so much, Celeste!!!! We have been able to pay 5 families rents for February now- and it is life changing for these families who are simply trying to live the best life for their children possible. Thank you.

this made me tear up. thank you, Yulia. same to you. xoxo

yes!

Then why did they do it on a Saturday? It should have been Friday, today, if they wanted to have an impact…If a significant amount of people in corporate jobs didn’t come in to work, then maybe it would be noticed. But Saturday? Who ever is working Saturday needs their job or else performs an essential service…I don’t understand the logic of a Saturday shutdown?

the shutdown is today, friday!

The only money I am spending today is on dinner at a local immigrant-owned & staffed restaurant. Thank you for this reminder!

Yes! Thanks for the remind! My small rebellion since ICE was in my community earlier this year, and since many of the folks sitting in the front row at the inauguration are very problematic to me – canceled amazon and Hulu and stopped shopping at Whole Foods. I live in a place that is super walkable and has lots of small businesses – I can 100% get up off my couch and go outside and interact with the live humans and get the thing I want/need, support my neighborhood, and not be so spoiled that someone else has to bring me the thing because ick-I don’t want to be that person. Changing my mindset to less and less consumption, more intention, more human interaction. Seek out our neighbors who need our support in these fraught times.

It is on Friday. We should try our best to not be both rude AND wrong :)

@ Jes, there is nothing rude about being wrong, that was clearly a mistake about the dates. She was asking for clarification, and Jo graciously corrected her. Anyhoo, my appointments all cancelled today so I am free to join in the ICE OUT shutdown!

We were front row at the NC Capitol building and it was a magical experience. Thousands of people showed up in frigid weather to support them and hear them speak. It was cathartic. I could not stop crying, and I silently willed everyone to show up in the midterms to vote for peace and inclusivity. I hope you get to see them, too!

Oh my gosh WOW. This is incredible, Sage.

Goose. Bumps.

We loved watching this whenever I first heard about it; thanks for the reminder. So wild!

https://www.history.com/articles/the-rise-and-fall-of-action-park-new-jerseys-most-dangerous-water-park Sure do!

That was 100% a survival instinct and you had no choice. I’m so sorry that happened to you.

People were always surprised at how quickly I forgot some of the details, within a couple of years I couldn’t tell you the date, time, what I was wearing etc. It’s been 50 years and I couldn’t even tell you what season it was, but I remember the fear, the hands on my neck and running out of my apartment naked.

Thank you for sharing here.

I am so sorry. I can’t imagine. Just the thought of that happening is so terrifying, I can’t imagine experiencing that. My heart goes out to you all and sends you love and healing in every way possible.

“Out of OffICE” is ELITE

Michigander here! I wrestled with whether or not to put an out of office message on my work email but ultimately decided to go radio silent. Be well and stay strong!

Hoping for answers and healing for you, Ill – take good care.

Sending you love and blessings for a healthy outcome! Allow me to give you a big virtual hug.

Lol, me too! It’s like momentarily cheating on your spouse WITH your spouse…

Sending healing thoughts, Sasha. That all sounds so hard. I can relate to that feeling of relentlessness that can really wear down a spirit. Maybe there can be small moments to breathe and distract. Hang in there.

I am so sorry, Sasha. Sending strength, good luck, and total healing your way.

Sending love to you Sasha. I feel your words in my bones today. Both of my (relatively young- I’m 36) parents were in the hospital at the same time. I ran between the ICU and the step-down unit for a week. One of my parents was very sick and we had lovely moments of connection through it all. The other was less sick but their mental illness made them cruel and delusional. I have little kids at home and fielded crying phone calls all week. I don’t mean to go on and on but only to say that I really don’t know how we all go on. I have adopted the mantra I read here: “whatever it is- I’ll handle it” because, somehow- how??, I will. And I know you will too. Also, FWIW, I think its fine to skip celebrations. Take care of yourself whenever you can.

I’m so sorry, Sasha! I hope that things get easier and that you know that you are not alone. People are thinking of you and keeping you in their thoughts.

“I’ve honestly forgotten what a normal life is like” too! My young (early 40s) husband has cancer. We have young kids. It’s my birthday. Life can be so bleak. Thinking of you!!

That sounds so difficult, Sasha. I’m sorry that life is so hard lately. It is okay to lose your optimism. How you keep going is just to keep going, one step at a time. I know it is hard. Sending you a hug, some warmth, and the wish that someday all will be well again and you will wonder how you got through it. Wild Geese You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting — over and over announcing your place in the family of things.

This made me weep! Sasha, praying for you (you should write a book. Heart wrenching yet beautiful writing).

Chemical burns? The liver processes chemicals so maybe connected, but I’m no doctor, so I’m sure they know that of course. I always enjoy your comments, I hope your husband recovers soon! PS: my life has also been wildly challenging – frankly because I’m dumb as dirt most times, and it’s been a lifelong learning curve – which qualifies me to answer your question: how do people keep going on? For me, it was a sudden understanding of the mechanics of faith. Faith does not need to be religious, (but it helps a lot, imo) but faith is a function of life force energy. By conciously applying life force attitude to the knowledge that 1) whatever will be will be and 2) it’s best to do your best with what you’ve got, and just allowing yourself be occupied with doing your best in the moment is ALL you can do. And giving it your all, is all that is required. You are not in charge, most times, of the outcome. That’s a much bigger topic then I will write about here, but just: do your best in each moment. Find satisfaction in the fact that that is all you personally have control over. IF you believe in prayer, or even journaling your concerns and your gratitude in a genuine way, not performative, then I do believe that is enormously helpful as well. Basically, use all your tools, mental, physical, spiritual and emotional, to get through it to the next period of peace. You can do it. I wish I could write a book about this, but I don’t know how to begin.

I think I recall that he worked for a university, but I might have that wrong. Anyway, if he does, he may be entitled to paid bereavement leave for the time around his mother’s death. Many provide for 5 days for the loss of a parent. It’s worth checking.

Sasha <3 sending you strength and care. And, re: another recent comment of yours, I hope this brings you a smile: https://999penguins.com/

Thank you all kind friends. The sick culprit is apparently his gall bladder. A stone had lodged in the duct of his liver. This is all complicated by his heart valve, blood thinners and the fact that he threw a blood clot in August 24, that landed in his kidney and shut it down. So he’s on heparin in anticipation of maybe needing gall bladder surgery. He’s resting and getting strength back today. Tomorrow they’ll do an endoscopy procedure to release the stone, and then decide whether he still needs surgery, or if it can wait until he’s stronger. Or leave it be. He’ll probably be here for 4-5 days. Thank you all for responding. Last night was hard and lonely. Today is much better. He’s feeling better, being well cared for. I’ll try and catch up on sleep tonight. Your many encouragements mean so much, bless you all. And I’m so sorry for everyone else struggling so much right now too. I guess we’re all in this together. But we knew that.

Thinking of you Sasha and hoping you get the rest you deserve

Oh Sasha I’m so sorry. I don’t know how to answer how people keep going—but I think it’s okay to not make yourself be positive. F that. This is a shitty hand you’ve been dealt right now, and maybe letting yourself cry and rage in the bathroom for 10 minutes every 2 hours will help let some of it out? You will come back around to the positive thoughts but not if you force them—you shared about your chronic health issues before (hi EDS Katie here) you already know how to keep going, and you will. For your birthday just watch a sweet funny movie like Waking Ned Devine and eat whatever your version of easy comfort food is, blow out a candle and go to bed early. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping for better days.

Hearing you loud and clear. Having had two hard years – no details needed – ups, downs and all the in-betweens, I feel emotionally bland. You don’t need to celebrate but perhaps a quiet day just marking your birthday with a little treat will do this year. Get through each day the best you can and accept a hug from me for now. Best of luck to you both.

Agreed Shireen! We have to ask ourselves why we see some atrocities more clearly than others and the do what we can to open our own eyes.

100% agree with you here Shireen. Let’s support the brave people in Iran standing up and speaking out.

Acknowledging what is going on in our home country of the U.S. is not discrediting the many atrocities happening around the world. We all have to gauge our own capacity for this.