5 Pick-Me-Ups After a Breakup
This weekend, I texted my friend Gemma…
“Life is supposed to feel a little gray during these stages right?” I asked. I was sad about my recent breakup; the dark winter felt endless; and things I usually enjoyed — seeing a movie, taking a long walk, daydreaming about travel — felt blah and uninteresting. Was I depressed or just…human?
“Yes, you’re supposed to feel gray,” she texted back. “The feelings will move through you, and sparkly feelings will then replace them. Buy yourself some deli flowers today (in person, it makes a difference) and a new shower gel that smells amazing (again, in person). Next time I see you I will hug you so hard you will wonder at my brute strength.”
Since Gemma always knows best, I went outside, crunched through the snow, and picked out pink flowers (pictured above) from the bodega. They have since bloomed beautifully and look very cheerful on the kitchen counter.
Then Anton and I headed out to find a luxurious body wash. This one was the obvious winner — it smells sooooooo good. And Gemma was right, having a low-stakes mission out in the world, getting fresh air, and smiling at strangers felt bolstering.
We then returned home to play with speed stacking cups, which we discovered at the Guinness World Records Museum a few years ago. We have become extremely fast cup stackers, ngl, and the best part is, when you’re carefully building little blue towers, you don’t have time to think about missing someone.
That night, my friend Mo brought over cool stickers to make vision boards…
…and, knowing how nice it feels to get into a good book, I dove into this gripping novel which follows the relationship between a female robot and her human owner. It explores themes of intimacy, power, sex, and autonomy, and I keep staying up until midnight reading it.
Finally, I once read that when you break up with a romantic partner, you often miss the physical touch, along with the actual person. My friend offered to rub my shoulders the other day while watching TV, and now I’m going to remember to offer a shoulder rub to friends going through something in the future — it’s such a gift!
I saw this lip balm at a store, and it made me laugh
Overall, it’s hard to be sad — I wish I could skip it — but I know you have to run through the storm. How are you doing these days? What cheers you up when you’re down? Sending the biggest hug to anyone (everyone?) who needs one. xoxoxo
P.S. Four things to say to a friend after a breakup, and five more pick-me-ups.
Comments
131 commentsI’m sorry for your breakup, Joanna. Sometimes it feels like life is just a series of goodbyes and it’s so hard. Sending you vibes for healing and new adventures.
Joanna. I’m right there with you. My long marriage ended over a year ago and it’s still sad but, as you know well, the pain softens over time. Holding you in my heart.
I’ve been feeling a bit blue lately too, and I find warmth is always a comfort. A Hot cup of tea to hold, a heating pad, even those little disposable hot hands pads that go in your gloves. I think it’s the fact that it’s a pleasant sensory thing to bring you back into your body and out of your head.
Yes, yes, life is supposed to feel grey after a break up. A mani/pedi always lifts my mood . . . something about staring down at beautifully painted nails makes me happy. A friend recommended slowing daily rituals down for a pick me up. For example, in the shower take time to smell your lovely new body wash and to feel how the water feels against your skin. Or, finding a quiet corner of the morning to truly enjoy a cup of coffee. Hope this helps!
Sorry for the sadness Jo! Loss is hard. 2 words, Heated Rivalry. If you’ve already watched it, watch it again. I don’t even like hockey but those hot hockey players have been a real heart warmer during these cold gray winter days <3
YES!
Something that helped me was acknowledging that my emotions during a heartbreak and a divorce were overwhelming and my decision making skills were not reliable. I gave myself up to 3 embarrassing mistakes because that seemed both realistic for my emotional state and also provided grace over doing something that I knew was dumb. So, that three could be a phone call late at night (ugh!! but so hard not to do) or saying something unkind about the person to someone who knows them (different than a friend or family member commiserating). Those were my mistakes that made me feel worse rather than better. Everyone will have their own limit, though it should probably be a very low number. Just give yourself grace due to extreme emotion if your actions aren’t a hundred percent to your ideals.
SarahT, what an EXCELLENT comment this was, WOW. I will remember this forever as a piece of frank advice that I’ll now never want to live without. Thank you!
Well, that just sucks. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for trusting your readership with these deeply personal times in your life. It must be difficult to share these things with the world – maybe not so much in the good times, but for sure the inevitable down times. But, the good and bad are what link us as humans and sharing in the thoughtful way like you always do brings us all together. If I could share this warming and cozy bowl of miso soup with you that I’m currently having, I would. It’s a hug in a bowl.
It was my ex who told me that “you can’t be scared and sad at the same time” as his reason for putting on a horror movie when I was beyond bummed out about not getting a job I had wanted. Cut to our divorce when I couldn’t shake the mounting disappointment (in both of us) and sadness. The cure? Spending an entire day riding only the scariest rollercoasters at an amusement park. Frightening. But also (finally!) so, so fun.
Joanna, i am so sorry that you are going through this, the heartbreak of a relationship where you both loved each other but decided that it was best to part is very painful.
I think the hardest thing about a post divorce/spousal bereavement breakup is that it makes clear the fallibility of best intentions. You entered into your new relationship with hopeful best intentions. You moved forward with cautious best intentions. You weigh up the scope of the relationship with knowing best intentions. And yet, even with all that knowledge and care, often you have to move in another direction with understanding best intentions. It’s heartbreaking and exhausting. But, you do move forward and one day you find yourself chatting with a lovely new friend and you get the fizz of hopeful best intentions.
So lovely!
If you’re an ocean person, letting some big waves just really knock the shit out of you can do wonders.
Or if you’re a prairie mouse as I am, read all three of Charlotte McConaghy’s books in a row, at night, under a cozy goose down blanket and feel like you’re being tossed around in the sea figuratively and poetically! Refreshing! What a mastermind she is. Highly recommend.
Joanna, sending you love and light and laughter whenever you are ready for it (and a blanket, soup, and hug until then). If you’re trying to jumpstart the laughter, may I recommend the content on Dropout? They have a YouTube channel with a lot of free content, and also their own streaming service (it’s the old College Humor people). Make Some Noise vibes like the old Whose Line Is It Anyway, and Game Changer is the silliest and most laugh out loud game show ever. If you have even a passing interest in DnD, Fantasy High is hilarious and very good “theatre of the mind” for long walks (or holding my sleeping baby for hours). Anyway, just a lovely platform of lovely people that has seen me through the roughness of the postpartum phase.
Guys, should we make Jo a Breakup Playlist?? I just got one started on Spotify here. Everyone should be able to add songs. Go for it! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/01dWNaZnWkY9zIWV70ugiH?si=czoGCDeuRj-JQdzI2rz1LA&pt=b357690dbd0c6e645ded19088205c19b&pi=Zz_xJcd0Ss68A
I love this idea!
So, this is not a breakup song, but when I was in a really bad depression I used to sing Kacey Musgraves’ “Dime Store Cowgirl” at the top of my lungs on my drive home, so adding that!
I couldn’t figure out how to add this myself but I think not a lot, just forever by Adrienne Lenker and Space Song by Beach House are good ones
Was just on Spotify but I can’t figure out how to add the song “put your records on” by Corinne Bailey Rae
In divorce right now and sending love to all my community here. Ive been reaching out to friends, going to the sauna, wearing my favorite clothes, paying attention to my plants, and enjoying really good lip balm from my co-op.
Build a playlist. Include Nothing Compares 2 U, sung by Sinead O’Connor. Sing along at the top of your lungs at least 3 times per day. Watch Something’s Gotta Give. Diane Keaton just nails the post breakup waves of sadness. You will feel so seen and you will laugh! Make plans with all the friends you haven’t seen enough lately. Distractions are key. Hell, take up a new hobby! And know that eventually you will feel like this: https://youtu.be/FG3-xaRiacc?si=yxbcQ_GzXzBGK4RO
I just started buying myself flowers to put in my square vase and I’m absolutely obsessed it now. I bought roses a few weeks ago and now I have hydrangeas (but they already wilted 😭). I love the ritual of picking them out, cutting them, arranging, and then admiring. It really lifts the spirits!
You can pop hydrangea in hot water to perk them back up again! xoxox
I highly recommend The Five Minute Journal by Intelligent Change. Every morning you note three things for which you are grateful and three things (you can – in theory – control) that would make your day great. You set an intention. Then at the end of the day, you reflect on three highlights of the day and one thing you’ve learned. It is so easy for me to get bogged down in everything that is hard and wrong with the world, but I really believe doing this journal (off and on — it is undated!) for the last year has really helped me shift my perspective to a (generally) more positive one.
My best trick is reading a big piece of Russian literature. War and Peace, etc. It will get you out of your head, be your companion for a few weeks, and make you feel accomplished when you’re done!
How do you overcome a break-up? You don’t. You go through it. You lean into it. You learn to enjoy it. Because feeling sad for someone you miss is better than not missing anyone Because a love that ends is better than no love at all
Oof. ❤️
Like Miranda Lambert said: Happiness ain’t prison, but there’s freedom in a broken heart <3
I find that if I’m feeling down or just having a bad day (especially being 9 months post-break up from the person I thought I was going to marry), I can handle the sad thoughts much better when I’ve showered. I put on happy music, I lay out cute/comfy clothes, nice lotion, and I jam while showering. My thoughts may be weighing down but my body is clean and feeling good and dirty hair is one less thing to worry about!
The hardest part of a breakup for me is all the little ways in which I feel less ‘seen’ by the world world because I’ve lost my closest set of eyes. I once asked my friends to tell me all of the ways in which they ‘see’ me and they really delivered. Some listed positive attributes I bring, some told me about funny little quirks/mannerisms/preferences I have, and some repeated dreams/aspirations/beliefs they know I hold. It reminded me I am seen, heard, and understood in a time where it’s really easy to forget that.
I’m going through it right now, and this really really resonated with me, thank you for sharing <3
Yes I find this really difficult too. I’ve lost my closest person.
I listened to Emily Henry on the “House of Maher” podcast last week and she mentioned creating 2026 bingo cards with her friends. It includes goals, but also sad things that you know will happen this year. I loved it and created my own! It’s a low stakes way of knowing the year ahead will bring joy, accomplishment, as well as sadness (and a free space to just be). Highly recommend! Here’s the podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg9rZ0UjN6c
When I had a terrible breakup years ago, I needed a glow-up. I booked a trip to Germany to visit friends for Christmas, scheduled myself for lasik surgery, joined a gym, and bought a subscription to a concert series at Lincoln Center.
Am I the only one here who medicated with vodka and gin? I am just here to say that vodka (even drunk in the bathtub) is not the answer.
Girl, I feel you. I broke up with my partner of seven years at the tail-end of COVID and looked for answers in red wine. Surprise! They aren’t there! Happily, I’ve figured out much healthier coping mechanisms.
I went through a terrible separation and divorce. During that time, I found that without intentionally deciding to, I bought myself lots of soft things-faux fur mittens, a super soft blanket, plush lined leggings, a cashmere robe. I am many years out of the divorce, but still have those items and they are a reminder that I made it through with the aide of comfort and warmth.
Take a trip somewhere warm and beautiful. You’ll still be sad, but at least you’ll be warm and somewhere beautiful. I also listen to “Fool of Me” by Meshell Ndegeocello on repeat.
I agree! Sun is so healing. Especially when you live in a cold climate. Even a few days of warmth in the midst of winter can feel so good. Especially, I’ve found, when your heart is heavy.
Maybe I’m petty, but what gets me through every breakup is making a list on my phone of everything I didn’t like about them!
I was going to write something similar – think about the stuff you hated about them, and the upsides of the breakup. For example, I was so happy not to have to listen to their favorite band anymore!
not petty, in my book! I have a running mental list of things I didnt like about my recent ex. It prevents me from reaching out and looking back with rose-colored glasses :)
Whenever I’m going through a hard time, I try to make it a point to volunteer. Usually in person, whether it’s tutoring kids experiencing homelessness, serving food at a community kitchen, chatting with older folks at a senior home, or bringing donations to an animal shelter. Serving others always provides such a sense of meaning and really helps me get out of my own head when I’m navigating a period of grief.
Yes! Love this. It eases the grief a little by way of perspective.
I completely agree and do the same myself. Helping others is SO healing.
What got me through my last break-up was traveling and going on long walks while listening to podcasts and music. My grad school boyfriend and I finally broke off our on-again, off-again long-distance relationship when I visited him where he was working in Europe. I remember walking through the streets of Lisbon, listening to “Summer Girl” by Haim, and thinking – wow, I am so sad, but I feel so alive! Being in an unfamiliar place in my sadness reminded me that there is a big, beautiful world outside of my current heartache – my “Eat Prey Love” summer gave me the confidence to make a big career decision and to have fun with dating when I was ready. I met my now-husband not too long after, and I still think fondly of that summer
I like what I think is a typo in your summer of “Eat Prey Love,” but I LOVE it if the spelling was intentional.
Fresh flowers for sure! I also started a little ritual that was recommended by a friend. I did this in my prayer time, but anyone can do it however it makes sense for them. I took a bit of alone time each morning to say out loud all the things I was afraid of, then the things I was thankful for, then the things I was looking forward to that day or week. It got everything out of my head and I could start each day with clarity.
I love this so much. I’m going to try to adopt this.
Love this! What a beautiful prayer
Ever wake up fine and then a few seconds later you get sad. Like that few hours of sleep suspended the heartache. Blek
I’ve been going through a year of this :( Readers please send love and hopefulness our way
Hi Meg, I can relate. It’s like you wake up with no memory at all, a complete blank state, and then you get hit by a powerful visceral emotion. Then you ‘remember’ and are so sad. Some one once told me to place something that makes me happy in my line of sight when I wake up. Like a photo on the wall, a plant, a piece of art. So when you wake up you are immediately distracted by something. That’s helped me through some hard mornings. xoMeg
i remember this. like a thud as it comes back. this will pass, everything does.
I have been doing “progressive muscle relaxation” in bed in the morning after I wake up but before I get up. I wake up with racing thoughts and this helps re-set my mind.
I came here to ask this question: What is the best thing friends & family members can do for someone after a breakup? It really is a type of mourning (as a therapist I’ve learned that many changes in a person’s life are actually like that). Both my brothers, my brother-in-law, & my mother have gone through major break-ups. I didn’t know what to do or say & sometimes I did nothing. This is not a humble brag- I’ve never experienced a real break up & I’ve been married 27 years & I thought I might make people feel worse. I think my ma might soon break up with her current long-term & I really want to know how to help :)
When I got divorced, most of my friends (really a remarkable number of them) disappeared. It was like my transition was not bearable for them so they just… dipped. Though I’m long over my ex and my marriage, I’m still not over how awful it felt to have so many people leave. With that background, my heartiest recommendation is to show up. In whatever ways you can and are appropriate for your people. Just show up. It means so, so much.
The prior comment from Anon about people dipping out is what pushed me to comment. I’ve felt that going through several grief events lately (a separation 2 years ago, then cutting ties with my family 2 months ago). Each time, friends have completely backed away. I know each event is probably quite triggering for them in their own way — esp parent/family stuff! — so I believe I am understanding, but god it feels like dirt for me. I’m early 30s, and I feel as if I’m going through the hard things first out of most of my friends. When they’re grieving separations or dead/cut ties with parents in the future, I’ll be there for them, even though they have not/are not here for me. It just… sucks. So yeah, if you can be a true friend who, even if your own feelings get caught up, can handle them in your own and not project, that will make a huge difference. Keep up the coffee dates or mailing cards to one another or just whatever it is you’d usually do together. Stopping those routines even for a few weeks right after the pal’s triggering event speaks VOLUMES. I don’t know that doing anything extra is necessary, just being certain not to bow out.
I understand what you mean – I am one of those people who want to be alone when bad things happen. To the point, I was very unwell te years ago, possible end of life level unwell and my two best friends just wanted to support me – but their love and concern was too much. I asked them to stop seeing me, emailing me. I asked if they could hand write letters instead. This gave me space. I understand not everyone wants to mourn in solitude, but I am a people pleasure – I couldn’t care for myself and my friends at that time. One of my friends and I still handwrite letters 12 years on. So I suppose, I just want to say – ask your mum how she wants to be supported. Her answer can change over time… but none of us can guess what is right for everyone all of the time, but they might know the answer. But my first guess might be starting a long list of all the qualities that make her an amazing person (start on it now, see if you can get to 100 seriously good attributes or examples), and a reminder that a relationship ending doesn’t mean there wasn’t good in that relationship, nor that was real and beautiful for a while (unless it is awful and toxic in which case you pop the champagne and say “Good for you, you are strong and powerful and the best years are on their way”.
My friends have been incredible at showing up for me in breakups, and I try to return the favor if they find themselves in similar situations. Disclaimer, most of my friends are scattered around the world (we are a bunch of Adult Third Culture Kids), and I’m childless (until August !!), so I have time, so most of my strategies are for long-distance friendships. Some things I do: – Text every day for a few weeks, usually in the morning and again at night. It helps to feel less alone. Sometimes it’s a funny gif, a thoughtful and optimistic quote, an audio message checking in or cheerfully saying good morning, reminding them they are strong and that they’ll feel better eventually. After a few weeks, I text every other day until they seem more sturdy. – I tell them to put an emoji by my name in their phone so it’s a visual reminder that they can reach out to me anytime. I’m on their team through the breakup – I send a list of things that calm the nervous system (lighting a candle and looking at a flame, singing, dancing even if they don’t feel like it) – Be a good and patient listener when they call – Send them all the COJ breakup posts! The kindest thing a friend did for me when I was freshly out of a relationship was that she just came over. She packed up her baby and some toys and drove over and just sat with me in my bed while I was absolutely miserable. She just witnessed me and made me feel less alone in my pain. She’s incredible and I’ll never forget that.
If you can, I’d recommend going over to their place to spend some time together, or inviting them over to your place if that makes more sense, for a low-key get together. Just sitting on the couch, maybe having dinner or watching a movie, but not feeling rushed about it all. And then do it again after a while!
Thoughtful of you to ask. Things that helped me: – one friend gave me a standing invitation to her family’s Sunday dinner. It felt so good to have a place where I was “wanted” – not offering advice or rushing me to get over it, just bearing witness to my sadness – walks, sleepovers, anything social
Check in with them! Maybe once a day for the first couple days and then once a week for the next few weeks. Just knowing my friends cared was so sweet when I was going through it. I’d also recommend letting them wallow as long as they need. I *hated* when people told me “you’ll feel better” when I could only focus on how shitty I felt in the present. Hearing “this sucks, let’s get coffee” was the best salve to my aching heart <3
Hi Laine, thank you for your question! Sarah, I’ve also cut ties with my father 3 months ago. Hopefully, I have feminist friends (met through feminism activism) and I found that politised (and often unfortunately also traumatised) friends were the best support before and since this difficult but life-saving choice. My “more conventionnal” friends are more insensitive, or less present (or I haven’t told them…). Its so unfair to have to mourn your relationships with closed ones while you had to cut ties with your family. I send you a lot of support and I’m sure that the next people in your life will be like you, facing hard truth and hard decisions, and supporting friends who do the same.
When I went through separation/divorce the thing that helped me the most from friends and family was routines. A couple friends and I had a standing Sunday walk in the forest, my book club met monthly, a couple other friend groups met up in pretty regularly every few months. The nice thing about bigger friend groups is the whole dinner/meet-up doesn’t fall apart if you don’t have the energy that day. Those connections with people especially in a routine I could count on, and skip if needed, saved my life during a time when everything was changing and I was so unsteady.
What a kind question! The most meaningful things have so far been my cousin responding to my divorce with “or…congratulations!” Everyone else said “I’m so sorry” meaning sorry for the whole situation, and it’s said in love. But it’s actually been so long coming and a step of faith and growth and health that congratulations covers it. Another friend gently asked if I was planning on marking the occasion. A party, a visit to the sauna, a short trip somewhere. She acknowledged the turning of the page and affirmed that it’s important to mark it in some way.
My college aged son asserted we need more whimsy in this world. He decided to start that by making balloon animals. We each got a kit, are working through the book and send each other pictures of our creations (a frog! A giraffe!). I give mine to my little neighbor toddlers who force me to up my game by making requests now. He puts his in common spaces in his dorm building. It has been an unexpected and fun pocket of joy! (And it’s easier than one might think!).
You and your son sound like a delight, Florencia! Making balloon animals sounds so fun
I love balloon animals ( and whimsy ) ! The random dorm placement is so cool. Wow !
Your son’s ideas are beautiful, creative, and just what the world needs. Congratulations mom, what a wonderful young man you have raised!
Oh Florencia, this brought tears to my eyes reading this! It’s so cute, and so lovely that you get to do this together! Thank you for sharing this!
Once when I had a tough breakup, I asked a fellow single friend if we could text “good morning” to each other for a bit. I missed that daily ritual and how truly alone it made me feel without it. So we were morning penpals for a while and it brought us even closer. Sending you virtual hugs Jo. Feel the feelings. That’s my best advice. And then move your body. Walk, yoga, dance. Also, if you need to turn your brain off for a while, puzzling is perfect!
I really love that idea, Denise! After a breakup, what I miss most is the daily communication with the same person — you don’t have to spend ages catching the other person up as you’ve been their companion all along. This would be a such a lovely gesture.
this is such a lovely idea! What I miss the most is the daily ‘good morning’ and ‘goodnight, love’ texts from my ex. My best friend and I keep in touch each day with voice memos, asking how our days went. This really helps. Women rule.
I went through a truly awful breakup (cheating!) and in the aftermath my therapist suggested I get a massage. I thought she said it from a “you need to relax” perspective, but I realize now that it gave me a safe, controlled environment to be touched (and unclothed) with another person. It was a massive, massive help in those first few months, because sometimes we need touch.
Break ups – no matter if it’s a stranger, your friend, a family member, or you – are…just sad. When I’m feeling down, mopey, and generally have a craggy disposition, I try and choose three things to do consistently that make me feel human – no matter what. Simple things like writing down my thoughts, going outside, and chatting with my too busy sister on the phone. After a tough break up with my fiancé, I was doing the consistency thing, going for a run, and I had a moment of the weight coming off my chest. The sun was out and I finally felt free, for the first time in years. No, I wasn’t off the waves of low and more low but from that moment on – I felt like I could breathe. Wishing you a deep breath and moment of sunshine.
During a horrible break-up, I found solace in saying each morning, “I’m one day closer to being through this.” Eventually I arrived through each of the stormy phases and my mantra changed to, “I’m one day closer to being over him.” I’m sorry you are going through this. You are one day closer to being through this.
This is so beautiful❤️🩹
I third the fostering a dog idea. Snuggle partner, walking companion, unconditional lover giver….nothing better.
When I am down, I either just want to be cosy or I want to be outside on a blustery grey day! If I want to be cosy, then I light many candles, get my favourite blanket and/or a hot water bottle, put on some vinyl (it has to be vinyl when I want be cosy) and read a good book. If I want to be outside it depends on what else is happening. I am very lucky to live about 4 miles from the beach and I love walking beside the sea when its all stormy and mad. Its the best way to get out of your funk. If the sea is not like that, then I like to climb up a very small hill (no munros or corbetts here thank you very much), take a picnic and enjoy the views. : )
I also head to the beach/oceanside when down. I love going in the winter and feeling the icy wind on my face while watching the waves. Typically, I’m the only one there during winter, and it feels so right to be one with nature.
Not going through a breakup, but have had extra feelings of anxiety and depression this week. Last night I worked on a cross stitch for about 2 hours. No music, no talking, just seeing tangible progress with my cat snuggled next to me.
Reading through the comments made me think of what actually got me through two tough breakups – hiking in the woods. It made me feel like a part of the world while also remembering what a small part of it I am, and also what a small part the breakup would be in the larger scheme of my life. It made me feel beauty around me that I couldn’t always feel when I was sad in my apartment. This, and some Mary Oliver poems, and the song “Wildflowers” by Tom Petty on repeat. Hoping you can feel the beauty around you today
oh and a heating pad or something to make your bed warm and welcoming for you when you crawl in (at any time of day or night).
I know you’ve got those sweet boys to hug, but maybe book a little massage or two over the next month? If you’re able, this could be a great time to foster a dog for the joy and distraction.
Make something with your hands! Oven bake clay, knitting, painting, paper flowers, puzzles….
Yes! Crafting is very therapeutic!
White Whale Bookstore is such a gem! I went through a breakup recently. First relationship after a divorce, just like you. It was sad and weird and I ate A LOT of chips (Don’t do that. Eat SOME chips). It took a while, but I healed. I don’t regret a thing. He was just what I needed when I needed it most. Having that mindset has really helped me. Hugs to you.
I’m on a mission to remind everyone that life happens offline… I read this really wonderful piece in The Cut that summarized a lot of my feelings very well. https://www.thecut.com/article/brooding-friction-maxxing-new-years-2026-resolution.html We’ve been PR’d into believing that life should be easy. And yeah, there is a time and a place for an easy, indoors, quiet time away…but the term friction-maxxing resonated with the struggle I see in the world right now. People are hard but oh, so very worth it. If everyone could just return to shopping in person a little more frequently, you would see your communities improve. Stores, places, towns – they all need people to continue existing. Be the people.
I love this Stella!
If people stop shopping all together — consumerism is exhausting! — sure people would be a little be happier.
I want to read this article so bad but I’m not a subscriber and not based in the US . Help?!
Mabi – people still need to shop for groceries, unless you live on a homestead … so yeah, I agree that we should all fight capitalism / fascism / the patriarchy and shop for nonessentials less, but picking up groceries or a cup of coffee or lightbulbs, etc., in person and interacting with folks can be a nice way to build community :)
breakups are so raw. i think we take some power with us when we go even if it feels like sadness in the beginning. always a time of relfection. I have been meloncholy about my kids (8, 6 and 4) growing older this past week. I dont know why but it hit me hard and memories of younger years came flooding along with my tears. Its hard but its good to feel it. I hope one day the days of them being small wont feel so much like a grief to reflect on. Seeking the wisdom of the women who came before me always helps.
Meditation helps me when I struggle with anxiety or sadness. I use the buddhify app but there are many great options. It’s hard to mourn the relationship that has ended but there is no way around this phase – you wanted this to work and you both gave it all you got. But that was not enough in the end, it is so hard to acknowledge and accept that. Big hugs to you. I remember being completely heartbroken after a break up and it was just like you describe: nothing was fun or enjoyable any more. And then one day, a cat walked up to me while I was walking in the street and let me stroke it for a bit. And that was nice – a sweet encounter where no words were needed. It felt good. Of course, there were still lots of tears and sadness after that but that moment did me good.
Aw, I almost suggested visiting some adoptable cats to play with and perhaps choose one to adopt! Their snuggles and purrs release happy hormones in our human brains, and have healing benefits. https://cats.com/can-a-cats-purr-really-heal-you They’re such gentle companions. (And yet, so independent and relatively low maintenance!) I’m pro-breakup kitty.
Look for the glimmers. :) A kind person who holds the door for you on a below zero day, a hot cup of coffee, a beautiful song (Ragtime cast album is a new again favorite) and Magic Mike on the Today Show.
Get sensual. Eat the richest chocolate brownie, take a silky milk bath, burn your favourite scent, do a cold plunge, get a massage, buy new sheets, sing a song, put yourself in front of beauty. Employ your senses and the body will lead you back to yourself.
Yesssss
A fox killed two of my chickens yesterday. One of them was our very favorite that we have had for 4 years. I know that they are “just chickens” but I witnessed it and chased the fox away with the help of my dog. I’m grateful that my husband was willing and able to clean up and treat them with dignity. So today will be spent finding a way to keep them safe since the fox will be back now that he knows they are here. My heart is so heavy and I feel like I let them down.
I am so sorry, Melanie. That sounds terrible!
I’m so sorry for your poor chickens. They’re never ‘just’ chickens. You loved them. xxx
I have chickens, too and it is so hard because they are so vulnerable. It’s hard to find a balance between keeping them safe and giving them freedom. So sorry you are going through this.
So sorry you’re going through the grief of heartbreak. I had a terrible breakup at this time of the year a couple of years ago. It helped me in a very small way to remember that there’s a minute of extra daylight every day, and that I was having tiny, incremental gains in feeling brighter too, even if they weren’t obvious at the time. I knew that somehow, by the spring, both the world and me would be brighter.
For anyone in the doldrums this January, what could be better than watching an Agatha Christie? With some reservations, I recommend “Seven Dials” on Netflix for shear fun. Don’t expect Poirot or Miss Marple and the plot – – with a secret society and dark conspiracies — is absurd, but there is the traditional murder at a manor house early on and an exciting scene on a train. And it is very well cast. For those of us in the CoJ community who loved Edward Bluemel in “My Lady Jane,” he’s just as adorable here.
I started watching this last night, with no experience of this particular novel despite having read and watched Agatha Christie books/shows extensively for decades. The plot does seem quite absurd and overblown, but i’m enjoying the silly ride :D
I’m so sorry about your breakup! I think sometimes things happen in life where it’s okay to sort of *not* do all the right things, and try to just breathe and get through ones everyday life focusing on mundane tasks like chores around the house, grocery shopping, taking kids to their appointments, putting butter on their toast. Slowly the days pass and there is more air in your lungs and less heavy weights on your chest, and maybe there is sunshine and the air feels warmer.
beautiful advice!
Running and ice-bathing, who would have ever thought… I was never a sports-person, always cold feet, only in the warm water, warm showers, vacation in summer-spain… BUT: When life gave me a hard time (founding my own doctors office and being self-employed with a 4-yr. and 8-month-old, moving two times- now into a house I dont love but which gave us the biggest debt I can imagine myself in (hello real estate crisis in Germany), and struggling with my mother (and best friend and babysitter!) becoming ill with cancer that has now spread to her lungs, liver, brain – giving me the hardest time to be here for her as a daughter + doctor while struggling all the logistics as I live nearby and my sister lives 1000 km away struggling with her own life), I started running. First 2 km, then 5, now 15 km. In my own pace, no pulse-tracking, no phone, no music. Just running until I am hot, cold, and finally stop thinking. And the best? After the run I get into my car, take a 5 min drive to the Baltic Sea and dive in. This new hobby, diving into 3 degrees celsius water for 2-5 min. has changed my life. If I am not able to make it, I shower icecold for 2 mins. This is like a reset. I am just not able to THINK anymore. I picture my body as just surviving – surviving the icecold. Afterwards I become astonishingly calm. And I am never calm, always thinking, running, DOING stuff. But after the cold? Everything is in slow motion. My body survives, my mind clears. It has been life-changing.
Love this.
Oh Joanna, I am so sorry to hear this news. My big heartbreak in life was actually a friendship breakup, not romantic, but it took the same form of grief and pain. There are two phrases (mantras if you will) that help me through the hard times: Breathe deep, Seek peace. You are strong, you are well, you are loved. We are sitting with you in your grief! You will indeed feel better, it just takes time to heal.
Low-stakes mission out in the world: I will remember this phrase. Without realising it, this is what I have been doing over the past months as I navigate my way through a difficult time. It works. Even though it can’t cure, it calms. Wise words, Joanna.
Anna Sale did an episode of her podcast, “Death, Sex & Money” about breakups that lead to a Breakup Survival Kit. It contains, “…400 things to do, watch, read, listen to, from real human beings who have been through the pain you’re feeling now.”. I hope it helps. Hugs! https://breakupsurvival.guide/
I’m in a difficult time of my life – my mom had just passed away last November. I’d just gotten a little bit back on some sort of new track and then her cat suddenly got very ill and passed away just around Christmas. Since then, I’ve taken up a bullet journal. It’s really helping me get back out of the misty cloud that was covering me. I write about what happened during the day, what I’m grateful for and also released my creative side again. Also,I’ve picked up the piano again. Meeting with friends. Intentionally cooking dinner. Joined a gym. After my divorce a few years ago, I really got into the Frozen song ‘Let it go’. Highly recommend it as a song to scream out loud in the car (whenever the lyrics feel appropriate for the situation). Sending love and hugs!
My daughter was obsessed with Frozen when she was 3 and would walk around the house singing Let It Go. I had become kind of numb to it at that point, but my childless uncle stayed with us for a week and had never heard the song before. He loved the mantra so much that, 6 years later, he says he still sings it to himself, at full volume like my daughter, when he needs a reminder to just Let it Go. :)
Frasier for the win! Re-runs of that show are my go to balm when I need a little tv comfort. Take good care Joanna 💕
Every time you cry about it, try to imagine there’s a certain number of tears that are allotted to this pain. So every time you cry, you’re getting somewhere! The tears are productive. That’s what I’d do when I had a bad breakup – like a little progress bar that was inching closer to feeling better every time I had a good sob.
Spending time with animals cheers me up when I’m down 🤍
Never has there ever been a better time to get a dog my friend . . .
Was going to add the same! The weekend post often has a cute pup, and Anton and his dog – neighbor friends! We’re on our third dog over here, and I can’t imagine a day without. Also, their fur absorbs allll the tears in this family, plus Freddie had a dog. Sob. xx
Do 1 nice thing for yourself that you would normally not do (a massage, a nice nail design), do 1 thing nice thing for a person you love in life and do 1 nice thing to a stranger. Suddenly, your energy will be shifted toward what you have than what you don’t have. Take care.
I’m sorry for your breakup. Lorelei Gilmore from my favorite show, The Gilmore Girls, said that wallowing is an important step post breakup. A day of eating pizza and ice cream in pajamas was her suggestions. Either way, its important to be gentle with yourself and to do something that helps you feel comforted while also giving yourself time to feel your feelings. Best wishes
Oh Joanna, I’m so sorry to hear it’s felt like this lately. I recently read “micro joys are how we survive macro grief.” Doesn’t this ring true? I think we all are so grateful you have Gemma (what life-affirming advice!), cups-stacking partners in your boys, friends who make vision boards and offer shoulder rubs, and a good book to get a little lost in until the sparkly feelings return. Especially at this time of year: one of those bulb growing pots never fails to work magic on my mind, to watch little green shoots slowllllllly burst out of the soil and bloom into tulips and daffodils and grape hyacinths. They are full of metaphor and promise. I wish I was your neighbor and could drop one at your door. When I am in a funk, I also think of something for each of the senses that I found comfort/pleasure/delight in recently (a sight, sound, smell, taste, touch). It helps life feel a little more alive. Something about the constraints of relating to the senses feels more authentic to me rather than “name 5 things you’re grateful for,” and reliving each sensory experience as I remember it releases the cozy brain chemicals. And! I swear it attunes my mind to be on the lookout for more of these sensory pleasures in the days going forward, especially if I choose to continue this weekly for a while. On that note and with Gemma’s golden advice: put on your coziest sweater, go to your favorite cafe and order your favorite drink. Smile at 3 people. Look at the sky. Breathe deeply. Know that you will be okay. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Sending you so much love from a reader since post 1 ❤️🌷🫧✨
my cognitive behavioral therapist recommended engaging in activities that activate my senses (smelling lavender oil on my wrists, sweeping, listening to calming music, eating something spicy). also regarding gratitude: research has showed that the key is to answer why you’re grateful for each thing you list. So, for eg, “I’m grateful for my legs because they carry me on walks” :)
Suleika Jaouad’s 30-Day New Year’s Journaling Project has been the push I needed to start my own habit of daily journaling. If interested you can jump in and start it anytime. It’s been joyful!
Jo – we are tucking you in and collectively pulling your other sock back on. Xoxo
I broke my leg this weekend and your comment made me smile so much. Getting tucked in and having both socks securely on my feet is so nice always, and it especially means the world to me rn. 🛏️🧦
I always remember Joanna talking about the romance of that gesture. I shared it with my husband and love that he has taken the roll seriously.
This might sound weird: one thing that makes me feel better when I’m down is cleaning. Also de-cluttering. Both done mindfully.