Have a Delicious Week.
Happy Thanksgiving! What are you up to this week? The boys left this morning, and I already miss spotting their random socks around the house. But my dad arrives in a few hours, which will be fun. Hope you have a good one — eat all the potatoes! — and here are a few links from around the web…
The Secret Agent, a new Brazilian political thriller, looks great.
This is #1 on my holiday wishlist.
Sex had become a chore. Then they started reading romantasy. “It’s not that I’m fantasizing about fake men,” explained Ms. Morton, who has read 82 romantasy books so far this year, and is active on BookTok. “I’m connecting with these female main characters and the way that they feel wholly seen.” (NYTimes gift link)
My all-time favorite sheets are 25% off.
I’m in charge at this Hertz location, and, buddy, you’re not getting a car today. “You’re getting upset despite the fact that we have strict rules against getting upset at this Hertz location.”
Movies to watch with your family, like Roofman and Tears of Endearment.
Who wants to lie on the sofa and chat?
Love this sweater for date nights. (Plus, get up to 30% off everything right now.)
What fun street style photos — especially sisters in Paris and a statement hat. (NYTimes gift links)
Some people can visualize things in their mind; others can’t. (Can you? Here’s a quick test.) Interestingly, those who can’t “might skip over descriptive passages in books — since description aroused no images in their minds, they found it dull — or, because of such passages, avoid fiction altogether.”
Oooh, I’d love to wear these to holiday parties.
Leslie Jones saves Thanksgiving.
Plus, two reader comments:
Says Tracey on 25 things to say to your children: “I have always loved teenagers. The tension between childhood and adulthood is so endearing. One minute they sustain conversations on global politics and the next they go bananas for a stuffed toy or fruity cereal. So, forever I have told my kids how excited I am for them to grow up, and how I love them now but they are going to be such great teens. Well, now we are here, and guess who gets all the goss!? Me! I love their moods and their obsessions. Tell your kids you love teenagers.” Replies Rae: “Yes! Teenagers are wonderful and intense and curious AND STILL CHILDREN. They are fragile, no matter how shiny or sharp the exterior they present.”
Says Allyson on 25 things to say to your children: “I like to tell my daughter that if we were kids at the same time, I would be psyched to be friends with her.”
(Photo by Matthew Bornhorst/Unsplash.)
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Comments
102 commentsMy 3-year old told me yesterday that she wished I was 3 like her and could be her friend. It was so sweet, and unfortunate that I had to quickly move on to the mundanity of, “And now it’s time to go upstairs for nap!”
Thank you to everyone who shared their experience with aphantasia. I read them all could relate to them all, it is great to find out that there is a community of people with aphantasia. I really enjoyed Brooke’s comment on characters in books. Although I don’t have a visual picture of book characters as I read, I do have a very strong idea of what the characters and settings described in books look like. I am often shocked by how differently these are portrayed in movies of books I have read. It was very affirming to find ‘my people’. I am going to celebrate the peacefulness of my mind devoid of distractions.
I caved and got myself the old school corded phone for my iPhone and I LOVE it! I hated using air pods for calls and holding an iPhone to my ear is also uncomfortable. Now I get to channel my inner teenager and cradle the headset between my shoulder and head and twirl the cord while I chat for hours. And roam the whole house! I am newly dating (again after 24 years) and the this has been a game change for me and all the phone chatting I’ve been doing. Unnecessary? Yes. But I 10/10 recommend!
I have aphantastia. I can’t picture descriptive passages in books or the faces of my friends and loved ones when they’re not in front of me, but I do miss them and I love reading those passages. I don’t need to see them to appreciate them. Though I may not think visually, I do think spatially. So, I can quite literally imagine how it would feel to physically be in the space being described. I like being aphantasic if I’m honest. It means I can read and listen to horror, which I think is a really interesting genre but one that I can’t watch because the images scare me. And although the images might not keep popping into my mind after the movie ends, I continue to recall and re-experience my emotional response to those images. I have a feeling it makes my sensory experience of the world a bit different than others that can see something in their mind, which I think is pretty cool. The frustrating part about having aphantasia is that, when people learn this about me, 9 out of 10 don’t believe me. I also don’t have an interior monologue and apparently most people do. So when they learn that I don’t see or hear anything in my head, they joke that there must not be much going on upstairs, implying that I must be dumb. Joke’s on them… I just finished my PhD.
That’s so interesting!! Aren’t brains so cool and strange. I am very curious what it would be like to not have an internal monologue. It’s constant, tiring and annoying sometimes. It’s never quiet but I can sometimes make it less invasive if I’m listening to some music of the chill out variety. To have quiet when trying to concentrate on something would be amazing to experience once. To do work, read or watch a movie without distraction. Or at least different distraction’s. Would probably freak me out after a while. The same way you’d maybe be overloaded.
Just noticed that McSweeney’s does not accept submissions generated or aided by AI. Why did this make me almost tear up? I love creative companies standing up for human generation!
I love the way their ethos suffuses everything they do. Did we talk about how their latest issue is a full-on dolphin-spangled three-ring Trapper Keeper with stencils, folders, and so much throwback goodness I yelled aloud when I opened it? Excellent gift: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/mcsweeney-s-issue-80
There was a calendar linked to in a cup of Jo post a few weeks (maybe a month?) ago and I can’t for the life of me find the link again. Does anyone remember it? It was a beautiful calendar with pages by different designers, and you can order prints from past editions.
Hi Sasha! Hmm, you don’t mean the Dolphin Studio calendar from this gift guide, right? https://cupofjo.com/2025/11/13/best-gifts-moms-2025/
Both of my daughters have aphantasia. My youngest shared first and then my oldest realized she had it too. My youngest can visualize some images, but for my oldest, it’s just a blank screen. She wrote her college essay on her experience as someone who loves to read but can’t visualize.
First up that garden is the BEST . We used to have a gardener, since I developed serious insect allergies I can’t really garden as I used to. Anyway my husband I went away one weekend and staying in a place with a topiary garden, I sent our gardener a picture of the topiary garden and said “This is the goal”… guess what? The gardener never ever came back! And secondly, as a children’s librarian I meet a lot of fabulous kids and sometimes I can’t help but think “if we were kids at the same time, you and I would be besties for sure”.
Growing up I didn’t understand that other people couldn’t visualize. I was ( and still am) an avid reader. I love to “ see “ the stories come life in my head. I feel just a little bit sad for people that don’t have this gift.
Go see the movie Rental Family! We saw it last night and it was amazing, so sweet.
I received two tiny samples of Westman Atelier mascara, and I can say this for sure: it is unmatched. I couldn’t believe the reviews weren’t all five stars. I don’t see the point in spendy mascaras when the OG maybelline works fine. Maybe a diorshow if you’re feeling fancy. Ive just discovered Ilia, which is a nice middle ground, but if you can, try the WA
Brooklinen makes their sheets in Israhell and supports the occupation and the genocide. Boycott!!!
Just astounded by comments like these… Israhell? I get that this is a community of compassionate human beings who care deeply about the plight of the Palestinian people. But do you also realize that half of the world’s Jewish people (not a lot of us!) happens to live in Israel? And that the majority of them ended up there because they escaped horrendous persecution elsewhere for being Jewish? There are real human beings living there, 8 million of them, whose families lost everything— their homes, their entire families— and had no place else to go? Because even the US had “Jew quotas”? Does that mean every person in Israel right now is doing the right thing, that the government is not incredibly corrupt and problematic? No. But… Do you think that by dehumanizing half of the world’s Jewish human beings you are doing a service to the Palestinian people and their humanity? Just makes me so sad.
I don’t see things in my mind at all, but I don’t relate to any of the other generalizations. Like Judi, while accept each person’s experience as real, I question the science behind broad statements. The easiest way I can describe how imagery works in my mind is to compare it to other senses. If I say the room is filled with the scent of cinnamon rolls, you probably don’t smell cinnamon rolls. And yet you have an impression of cinnamon, yeast and caramelized sugar. This is how sight works in my mind. I have an impression, but I don’t see it. I certainly miss loved ones when they aren’t with me. I can close my eyes and feel the rumbling purr of my dead cat. I can bring to mind the scent of her fur. I have an impression of her playful nature shining through her eyes. My own eyes still easily fill with tears of longing for her. She died when I was 18, and I am now 43. I am filled with dread for the day my son moves out, and he is only 7. He would also be the first to tell you I don’t lack an imagination for terrible things that could happen. Other than needing to learn spelling and math verbally, I don’t feel like my experience is all that different from other people for lacking pictures in my mind.
YES! Me too! The links about aphantasia sent be down a mini spiral, because I didn’t realize that this might be me. I don’t see the things I imagine as if they are on a screen, but I have a solid impression of them. Like I visualize them without seeing them??? I feel like the description makes it sound as if our minds are blank, but to me it’s like I metaphorically see the images, just not literally. I did admittedly think this is what everyone meant when they visualized something, though… oops!
Yes, thank you! It’s not a total “blank screen” for me, and I read about 80/20 fiction and non-fiction. But I can’t really produce a visual in my head – it’s more a sense of the thing. Also, I’m somewhat terrible at facial recognition and I wonder if it’s linked. And if you ask me to think about cinnamon, the letters “cinnamon” will show in my mind first (as though they were on a page), rather than a cinnamon stick. It has made me a good speller!
I love your description of the cinnamon rolls! I always ask people what happens in their head if I say “a brown chair” and most people describe a specific chair. I tell them that I just am generally aware of the idea of a chair, but don’t immediately picture a specific one. I am somewhat in between – I can visualize some things, but it’s more fleeting and less of a whole picture than many other people it seems like? Faces are very hard. I love fiction though, I guess I visualize enough that it still works for me?
The Secret Agent is indeed a great film! Last year’s “I’m still here”, which won the Oscars for best international feature, is also a great recommendation ;)
If you are in the US and are able to, you might consider a donation to one of the tribes of the Wampanoag Nation on Thanksgiving. Pilgrims established a settlement on Wampanoag land in Plymouth. The Pilgrim settlement would likely not have survived without the help of the Wampanoag. Grateful for this blog of open, friendly, and kind people. https://mashpeewampanoagtribe-nsn.gov/donations
Thanks for this reminder. I split my donation this year between the link you provided and the American Indian College Fund, which is where I usually donate for Thanksgiving/National Day of Mourning and for Indigenous People’s Day. xox
Leslie Jones is just what I needed today!!!!
Loving the movie recs – and pls leave that Freudian *Tears* of Endearment slip :)
Aphantasia is a revelation, thank you for sharing. And thanks for so many years of inspiration and conversation. Happy Thanksgiving!
I read that article about Aphantasia last week, and discovered that I fall into the group that has Hyperphantasia. I’ve always had a very vivid imagination; it’s like having a 3D cinema in my head. It’s a gift and a curse. It makes me a good artist, designer and organizer. But I have learned to be very careful about not letting myself imagine horrible scenarios, since it can affect me to such an extent that my body believes it actually happened. It also makes falling asleep tricky; I have to decide what I think about so it doesn’t aggravate me and keep me awake. I wish I could close my eyes and just see black.
Twyla, second the blessing and curse. I also absolutely cannot see violent images because they will stay in my head forever just as vividly or taken even further.
Do you happen to be a vivid dreamer as well? I think I may have hyperphantasia as well. Such an imagination, never a quiet moment in my brain, and intensely vivid dreamer.
This is me too. I’ve developed really tactile hobbies and thinking about them helps me sleep.
Leslie Jones is brilliant!
Love this list! The link to “here’s a quick test” of whether you can visualize something is the same as the link before it, and I can’t find the test. Do you have another link to the test you could share? I’d love to try it because the description is ringing true for me! Thank you.
Also wondering about this!
Romantasy gave me back (a part of) my libido after having three kids in 4 years. I’m not saying it’s up to my husband’s level (which I don’t want either), but I just had no interest in sex whatsoever anymore which wasn’t ideal in our relationship either and smut saved that. Completely. Long live Booktok.
Last year my sister told me that when she is reading a novel she only reads the dialogue. She says that she can get everything she needs to understand the story from the dialogue. Absolutely wild behaviour but she is the most extroverted person I have ever met.
I hate to be a downer, but the Westman Atelier mascara was such a disappointment for me! I found that it really weighed down my lashes… I wanted to love it!
Wow, Allyson’s comment healed a little part of my inner child. What a wonderful thing to say to your child.
ME TOO!!
Joanna, thank you for all your hard works and efforts. A special thank you for posting my comments- God knows what you must endure to allow an anti genocidal voice, and thank you for not becoming Netanyahoo’s influenzer (phew!!!). I’m very happy that you’ve found love in Freddie. I wish you all the very best.
<33
My coworkers and I got on the topic of visualizing things in our mind the other day and I’m here to report that it’s a FAB work conversation topic. Everyone wanted to jump in and share their experience!
LOVE the retro phone handset!! What a great visual for the kids. . .not being *on* your phone. You can get them one too: https://tincan.kids/ Happy Thanksgiving, all! Thankful for this blog and all you do to foster community here.
What’s funny is I remember when I taught in Brooklyn 15 years ago all the cool moms had these retro handset things! Can confirm that the Tin Can phone is life-changing for elementary age kids. My kids now independently call their grandparents, just to chat! If they want a play date, I prompt them to CALL THEIR FRIENDS’ PARENTS and arrange it themselves. I’m hoping this helps us hold off on the cellphone front for a good long while. I also got them a real paper phone book, the old-fashioned kind with a slider on the side that flips open to the letter (there are lots on Etsy). It’s been really fun to watch them learn to use both the book and the phone. If you’re wondering what makes Tin Can different, it’s that grownups control who can call in via and app (you select trusted numbers), so no spam calls. Not and ad, just a fan!
Totally getting the Tincan phone for my 8 year old this Christmas!
The Hertz joke is the opposite of what happened when we rented a car in New Zealand this year. We needed to arrange a one way rental, which of course the computer said was impossible, so my husband got on the phone with a guy at the Christchurch airport who got it figured out for us. New Zealand is about the size of California, area wise, hence the car rental issue. But it has a much smaller population, which we didn’t fully realize until we walked up to the counter at the Christchurch airport, and who was there but THE VERY GUY my husband spoke to on the phone.
As a New Zealander (as of this week – squee for new citizenship), this is the classic NZ experience. And ringing (calling) is the way to really get things done here. It’s sometimes frustrating but mostly endearing as heck.
We live abroad and my NZ friend needed to get a passport for her new baby. Turns out the NZ embassy here is staffed by approximately 1 person and they became fast friends and I’ve never seen such a quick turnaround. The stat that there’s more sheep than people in NZ is accurate.
I worked at an Enterprise Rent-a-Car right out of college (worst job ever), and I have to say that the Hertz joke is so funny bc it’s spot-on. We were encouraged to do what we called a “no-look book”, where we’d just book a reservation whether we had inventory or not, and then either pray it worked out or scramble to get a car from somewhere. It was so wild. Now, when I need to rent a car, I use Turo. :)
I also had an amazing rental car experience in New Zealand, and returned my car in Christchurch. Hot tip — if you are on a budget or are afraid of banging the car around with that opposite road driving, you can rent a very used car, for very cheap. They run great, but are older and have cosmetic damage. Drove one all the way from the top of the south island to the bottom!
What if, rather than struggle to maintain a sex life in our later years because that’s what we’re “supposed” to do, we just allow ourselves to stop having sex if we don’t feel like it? And then refuse to feel guilty for it?
I love this.
Preach!
YUP.
This!
🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩
I agree with this in theory, but what if sex is still important to one partner (and both partners still want to be in the relationship)? Obviously no one should ever feel forced to have sex, that’s not what I’m saying – but in a relationship there could be reasons for trying to work through it.
If something happened that meant my husband was no longer in my life, I probably wouldn’t seek another partner because I just don’t care about sex. If I had my way I’d probably want it like, quarterly? I don’t imagine I’d miss it at all if it wasn’t there and I can always take care of myself if needs be. This is a big topic… I suppose I’m just saying I hear you.
I think that is so valid Liz!
Yes! This! Skipping sex and worrying about sex frees up so much time and energy for other pursuits.
I think it’s like exercise, because even though it’s a struggle it does something good for you and if you do put in the effort the rewards are there. Obviously not everyone has the same priorities or makes the same choices about this, but for those who invest effort in rekindling a sex life, I suspect this is the why.
3 cheers for your comment, Liz. A sex life can be very enjoyable when both parties do exactly what they want to do and not what someone else thinks they should do. :) My husband and I are even happier now, after so many years of marriage. We realize sex is not meant to be like when we were in our twenties. It was fun then, but it is even better now.
Totally! You do you!
I don’t think it’s a ‘supposed’ to situation but there are alot of factors at play here. One, if you’re in a committed partnership – the other person. Two, your well being. Now I get that not ever partner is giving and loving and generous in this area but let’s say they are – then denying yourself the wealth of benefits from sexual release (mental, physical, emotional, spiritual) then you may be losing out on a huge part of potential release. And now let’s say your partner is all those things, you’re also denying THEM. If my husband suddenly stopped wanting to have sex with me I would first wonder why then I would move heaven and earth to try to fix it.
Agreed that no one should ever feel like they’re supposed to have a certain amount of (or any) sex. But during times of my life when my sex drive has dwindled, I miss that part of myself and that connection with my partner. It’s like I WANT to have sex, but can’t get the juices flowing, so to speak. So I appreciate seeing strategies for getting things moving again.
I agree that we all deserve to have what makes us happy, so the things that bring us joy and shouldn’t feel obligated to do things we don’t actually want to do. And also….. if you are post menopausal, and stop using your vagina recreationally, you may lose your ability to do so. And maybe you won’t care, awesome. But if you feel like you might care about closing up shop forever, that’s something to consider. Personally, I am 26 in my brain, forever, and while I don’t care about LOOKING 26, I do care about getting 26 in my heart and in my body, to the best of my ability. So I do my exercises to keep my muscles and balance and I take my hormones, and I keep using all my bits, just in case. I enjoy all of it, but I’d do it even if I didn’t because it does make me feel 26 again.
Works for me!
Fellow cinephiles: Go see “Sentimental Value” in the theatre! So beautiful, multi layered, moving. Cant stop thinking about it; reminds me why movies are so important.
Wait. Did I just realize at 39 that I can’t imagine things in my mind?
I realized this at age 37 (last month!) by reading this extremely fascinating article! https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2025/11/03/some-people-cant-see-mental-images-the-consequences-are-profound&ved=2ahUKEwiN_oqa-JKRAxWLIDQIHQ9aIcEQFnoECA4QAQ&usg=AOvVaw24f7pdDY7Sb_XyTPZgGf6R
Do the Brooklinen sateen sheets hold up? We got the linen ones a few years back, and they got a hole after a few months. They sent us a replacement set, which…got a hole after a few months. BUT I really want to love this brand!
We purchased the cotton ones and they ripped very easily. Will not purchase again.
I am very unimpressed with my Brooklinen sheets. They feel like Target sheets for 3x the cost. Will not repurchase. After trying a variety of brands, my favorite sheets are the Kirkland Signature (from Costco). They’re a thick sateen, which isn’t for everyone, but I love them. My 2nd place is Llbean sheets.
Can’t speak to the sateen specifically, but I have multiple sets of the classic percale sheets and they have lasted for years. So soft and cool, no issues.
I’ve had bad luck with two pairs: a hold in my linen bottom sheet, and discolor in my percale pillowcases. I won’t be buying more.
I’ve had mine for a few years now, and they’re as lovely and silky and sturdy as ever!
My linen fitted sheet blew a hole in it after a couple years – so I purchased a close-enough-color dupe from the citizenry. Was proud of myself for figuring out that simple fix. The C sheet feels a bit sturdier.
I had the same experience. My sateen set got a huge hole within the first year, and the replacement set ripped even faster. Great customer service though!
In my experience they don’t hold up well….definitely looking threadbare after a 2 years of use unlike my company store sateen sheet set. I won’t buy again.
SAME!!!
I have aphantasics, and while it is true I find the descriptions passages in books boring the other generalised statements in this article do not apply. I miss my family if they don’t visit and similarly to most people, I remain sad for friends and family who have died. When I read articles about people who have aphantasics as though they are people without feelings or empathy I wonder who is surveyed? When I delve deeper, I usually find that the sample size is small and the people surveyed are already under the care of a professional for other nerodivergencies. Extrapolating from this group is very poor science. There are lots of people out there who have no idea they are aphantasics until someone asks them the apple question. Just normal people living normal lives with empathy and compassion.
Thanks for saying this Judi. I also found that part of the article troubling. What they were describing is poor object permanence which plenty of people, aphantasmic or not, present with. When stated as a ‘people with aphantasia experience xyz’ blanket statement without proper context, uninformed readers may assume all kinds of psycho-emotional fallacies that aren’t fair.
Thanks for this comment, Judi! I almost didn’t click into the links because I was like “nah, that doesn’t apply to me, I miss people and I love fiction,” but I delved deep and discovered I definitely fall in the category of people who thought the phrase “picture this” was meant metaphorically. I close my eyes and see black. However, I deeply feel and grieve, I miss people who aren’t here, and I have “mind maps” of where things are or what I read that are more idea-based or location-based than image-based. However, ask me to describe what someone looks like and I struggle! So, huh. 12:30am and I’m discovering my whole life I have lived in a way most other people don’t. It’s almost like being told that my concept of blue is everyone else’s red. Wild. Oh, and for anyone who wants a better description: https://aphantasia.com/what-is-aphantasia
It makes me sad that when I lose a loved one, I know that I won’t be able to accurately conjure up their faces in my mind.
Yes Judi! I also have aphantasia, and I do like reading long descriptive passages, especially if they’re written well! And while I don’t have mental images while reading, I do know what the characters would look like based on descriptions… just like how I know what the people in my life look like even when I’m not looking at them. So, when I watch movies based on books, I grumble along with other book-loving folks if they don’t look like how I think they should look. There’s so much diversity to the experience of aphantasia, just like there is for the experience of being human generally! This is a newly understood phenomenon, and I hope we’re able to come to a richer, more accurate understanding of the aphantasia (and the role of mental imagery more broadly) as time passes!
Terms of Endearment not Tears although many tears will be shed watching this movie :)
Working customer service during the holidays is soul sucking (not sure how I survived at Macy’s) but I will acknowledge that no one is more annoyed than the Hertz employee. They give zero fucks and you best not argue with them:
Delighted to be featured comment, at first I felt the need to clarify I am ‘just’ the aunty, that they are not ‘my’ kids, but then I reflected on the week, and how I have shed tears for them, checked in, worried, celebrated them and how we do belong to each other and so they *are* mine too. But for the Mums and Dads reading my comment, I see you and appreciate your stamina for the tension I mention.
This makes your comment all the sweeter. What lucky kids (teenagers) to have an aunt like you in their lives!!! You remind me of how my siblings treat my children. They do “belong” to you too ❤️
I got laid off today after the worst two weeks and my knee jerk response was to come to CoJ because I knew there would be something delicious and fun to read. Thank you for this community.
I’m so sorry, Hil. Sending you the biggest hug. I’m glad you’re here.
You’re not alone, Hil. We’re right beside you.
Hil, sounds like a particularly rough couple of weeks for you. I do hope that you have the space to take a little break from the stress of it all, stand back, take a deep breath and regroup …and that some fulfilling and interesting work bounces right into your life soon!
Thank you so much, Joanna. <3
As Farhana put it so beautifully on Friday, thank you, Joanna, for creating the space that makes it easier to find the Ellas (and the Farhanas, and all of you). Big love from the Lower East Side!
And to find the Lauren Os from the LES and beyond. Aren’t we lucky?
This a year older than my eldest and I still remember learning so many motherhood firsts with you Joanna – my fav and I still say this to my now 4 kids – is ‘I’m so happy to see you’ When my eldest started preschool and I picked him up – before I could say anything he said ‘are you so glad to see me?’ But it wasn’t like a question it felt like he just knew it like a rhetorical question. And I just loved that so much. Another one is I’m so glad to be your mama – as they gre older they would write me in cards over the years ‘I’m so glad you’re my mama or I’m so glad to be your kid’
Reminds me of the 4 yo nephew — the other day, i showed up & he came down the stairs & shouted, “DID YOU MISS ME?” as he gigged & ran over to me. He’s a ham AND i love that they KNOW my answer will always be yes :)
Thankful for this community. 🌼 Funny, heartwarming, informational. A place of comfort. Have a wonderful holiday everyone. 🙂
Leslie* Jones Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!
thank you!
Leslie Jones is AMAZING. :-D
Queen* Leslie Jones