Have a Lovely Weekend.

Yes! To EB and Jess!! Keep being kind. Spread love every day. ❤️

Yes! His shooting and the response from some to declare more violence has deeply troubled me. Even if I disagree with everything Charlie Kirk said, violence is always wrong and no one deserves to die like that. I wish the right got this upset about the killings of liberal politicians and children in schools, too.

Jess, with all due respect, there’s a clear distinction between free speech and hate speech. Kirk’s rhetoric was pure hate speech—he functioned like a “respectable” version of the White Citizens’ Council, spreading bigotry and inciting violence against anyone deemed “other.” Political violence breeds more violence, but the mainstream celebration of someone who trafficked in hate—not defended free speech—is deeply alarming. His organization and the right have declared a “holy war” against anyone who disagrees or doesn’t mourn correctly, with individuals appearing on hit lists for expressing opinions. Private companies are being pressured to monitor employees’ social media. This is weaponizing Charlie Kirk to suppress your free speech rights.

I am encouraging people with teenage children to talk to them about not going out and seeking the video. It is on TikTok, everywhere. There should be laws against this.

Shocked to see many folks in this country celebrating his death because of some deeply misconstrued soundbites/unpopular opinions he voiced without shame. I hold many of his beliefs, so I’ve been processing the fact that many would celebrate my demise, as well.

Hello Jess, this shouldn’t have happened but at the same time, firing up the masses and making him appear as a Martyr shouldn’t also be happening. There was no outrage, monitoring of public social media posts or flying of flags half mast in other states when a democratic state rep was shot dead recently. No one called it an assasination. Charlie’s life was spent on spewing hatred, bigotry, misogyny, racism and it is appalling to know that we should all be forced to view him as a martyr. In these trying times, we need a true calming leader who can bring both sides together. But the supposed leader is focused on pouring gasoline and stoking the anger of his base to the maximum. I am truly worried about the next 3-4 years and what will happen to this country.

@Labe – misconstrued soundbites and unpopular beliefs? The guy was an unabashed racist, homophobe, bigot, sexist, and fomenter of violence against the left. I believe no one should be subject to gun violence (a sentiment he did not agree with!), but he was an awful person.

Hey Lane, please tell me how we are misconstruing the following: 1. Bring back public executions, bring your kids to them. 2. “Black women do not have the brain processing power to be taken seriously. You have to go steal a white person’s slot” 3. Gay people should be stoned. 4. No one should be allowed to retire. 5. Vaccine requirements are medical apartheid 6. Gun deaths are acceptable to have the 2nd amendment intact. 7. George Floyd had it coming. I could go on, but we both know the reason you are mourning his loss and the beliefs you share with him. Also, the idea that people are en masse celebrating his death is just not true. No one on the left with any position of power is or pulpit beamed to the masses. It is just another way to assert control and declare a holy war as this country marches towards becoming the Christo-Fascist state of Charlie’s dreams. A good book for folks actually looking to better understand why all of this should be worrying to anyone of good heart and reasonable-ness is Jesus and John Wayne by Kristin Kobes Du Mez and The Undertow: Scenes from a Slow Civil War, by Jeff Sharlet.

I am just reading through these comments, and wanted to offer a gentle reminder that incidents like this are prime targets for bots and disinformation campaigns, and the goal of those operations is to create anger, distress, outrage, resentment, and divisiveness. They want us rushing to judgement, triggered by rumors and lies, arguing and at odds with each other because when emotion is high the rational brain shuts off, and people are more easily manipulated. The time immediately following a catastrophic event is especially prone to these efforts, and there are many entities with a vested interested in fueling these flames. We tune in with concern and good intentions, but our thoughts and emotions can so easily be hijacked by those of bad intent. I am doing my best to go gently and carefully, and would wish others to do the same, whatever opinions we may have. (Jo – I may be over-thinking this, and would be interested to read your perspective/ experience on possible bot and disinformation campaign activity here?)

@Lane “so many people” are “celebrating” his death? Where are you hearing this? I don’t think this is a widespread phenomenon and seems to be evidence of information bias. There is a difference between between the outrage and grieving many conservatives are doing right now, and people who do not share those sentiments (probably because they were targeted in hate speech by Charlie Kirk). But celebrating his death and feeling like your death would be celebrated? Come on.

After Charlie Kirk’s murder, the President of the U.S. and many of his supporters and Republican leaders decried the Left and wanted maximum harm to befall them. They stoked the flames, when if fact, it was someone from their own party that murdered Kirk. Where was this same passion and outcry when Hortman and her husband were murdered? And Hoffman shot? Why was our flag flown half mast for someone who isn’t even a political leader, and not for a woman who was? Most of the Left talked respectively about Kirk’s murder, at least the sites and news I follow. They said they didn’t like his rhetoric, but condone killing. The same can not be said for Hortman. The Right is murdering people, calling for violence of people who disagree with them, including Trump. Not the Left.

Kirk’s assassination was deeply disturbing, and none of us should live in a world where that’s possible. I’d also encourage you to look into Professor Watchlist. It’s a “service” that Kirk founded that encourages the public to harass and doxx academics. The criteria for entry are apparently relatively low, because I work for a small, private school in the south that actively fosters a conservative worldview and is very welcoming to conservative students and faculty. I learned that one of our professors had to move out of his house for a week after a news story about his history research landed him on this list. I’m genuinely baffled, because this was work about the history of the school, but got misconstrued by some news outlets, and the watchlist apparently so beholden to this idea of publicly shaming professors for having supposedly hostile classrooms, that it did nothing to stop its readers from leaving this professor credibly threatening voicemails about the violence they planned to commit against him and his family. I can’t square that info with the idea that Kirk’s career was only about kindness or Christian values.

Karen and Anon, I wholeheartedly agree with both of you.

And yes, he said we have to tolerate some gun deaths to hold on to the 2nd amendment. Didn’t he say that ?

I hope if we take anything away from this, it’s that we should think for ourselves, especially at a critical moment like this for our country, when people are so divided and many are actively spreading false information. Do you believe what you believe someone said based on firsthand evidence (i.e., go watch or read the thing yourself), or did someone tell you what to believe and curate the information for you, and you just went along with it out of habit, loyalty, or what have you? Why do I say this? Just off the top of my head – we’ve been told by the governor of Utah that Chinese and Russian bots have been spreading disinformation around the Kirk killing and encouraging violence. So that’s concerning. And plenty of people are doing the same work of spreading falsehoods, whether intentionally or not. To “Karen” below – have you researched whether any of those assertions are true, because I could pull up three articles just from a simple Google search (and Stephen King’s multiple apologies on X) debunking the assertion that Charlie Kirk said “gay people should be stoned,” just for a start. I’ve also found two articles so far clarifying that Kirk never said the quote about black women that you included in your comment. What about the rest of your list? I wonder where these claims originated, who curated these claims, and for what purpose. I hope you’ve wondered about it, too, even for just a moment.

Julia, I think the sentiment behind you comment is correct, but a quick search shows that Charlie Kirk did call stoning gay people to death “God’s perfect law when it comes to sexual matters.” You can listen for yourself. https://x.com/patriottakes/status/1800678317030564306. I haven’t checked the others but will do so later. Please remember that his image is being sanitized by the right and people are losing their jobs and being threatened for saying anything bad about him, so I’m not surprised to see apologies being issued. The GOP is all about free speech and anti-cancel culture unless one of their own is involved, I guess.

Hey Julie, Have I considered it? Absolutely. Part of my work involves tracking far-right figures closely—monitoring their podcasts, interviews, and public statements. The quotes you referenced come directly from those sources. You’re welcome to verify them yourself via Turning Point USA and his own social media accounts. Your suggestion that others haven’t gone beyond a cursory Google search is misplaced—and frankly, a little strange. This isn’t surface-level work; it’s continuous, documented analysis.

Sheila* Jackson Lee

@Julia I applaud that you are looking for sources. This is the clip the quote about the “lack of brain processing power” originates from: https://x.com/i/status/1965931096539017536

For Julia and others: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-to-tell-the-difference-between-a-lone-wolf-and-a-coordinated-effort-by-the-radical-left

I am appreciating the intelligent pushback here to a couple of folks who are attempting to defend Charlie Kirk’s abhorrent views. No – I do not celebrate or feel happy about his murder, there’s no victory here – but I have observed this curious pattern online where folks are requesting “proof” he said the terrible things he said, which are VERY easy to find and substantiate or saying things like “the quote is out of context.” Please stop, just stop. We HEARD it.

Best wishes to you and your family!

And the news from Colorado.

Yes, and also the news from Colarado. Those who speak of Charlie’s murder, please also speak about the high school shooting on the same day. Even if the kids survive, no one talks about long term physical and mental health impact and the expenses involved. No one talks about how surviving a school shooting can bankrupt a family and obviously no studies done about the long term impacts.

The school shootings, exactly. Little kids get shot practically every day in this country.

For what it’s worth, it’s been my experience that an official diagnosis is extremely helpful. It’s resulted in testing and learning accommodations for my kid, which have improved school performance (and with it, confidence). She’s learning more about executive functioning skills and what her unique needs are, and most importantly, how to advocate for them. Many other kids in her class are diagnosed, so there’s no stigma. Her generation seems to understand this is just a way some people are. All this to say, I hope you’ll consider getting your child evaluated. I think the more we normalize neurodiversity, and the more we push systems to adapt and accept different ways of thinking and being, the better.

I have two ADHD kids and it’s definitely a complicated area–everyone has opinions on diagnoses, medication, etc. The major pro for us having them diagnosed is accommodating at school. I understand and agree with you that it shouldn’t take a diagnosis for kids to get what they need, but alas…public schools. We also medicate one of our kiddos because the situation is untenable otherwise.

Wow I was thinking the exact same thing, well put. You seem like a very loving and caring mother.

Hi there! As someone who got their ADHD diagnosis in adulthood, I wish I had it when I was younger. Not knowing impacted my confidence. I had to try so much harder to get good grades and stay focused, I thought something was wrong with me. It would have made a difference to be validated that my 1. brain worked differently, 2. others experience this same thing, and 3. there are skills you can learn to manage it. Just extra food for thought for your daughter. Even without a formal diagnosis, having the assurance that these symptoms don’t reflect her capability can make a difference!

I just wanted to give you another perspective which you might not get. All 4 of my kids have ADHD. As well as my husband. He credits it with giving him the ability to juggle many projects at one time as well as to think quickly in his feet. It has made him widely successful in business. However, it made him an outcast when he was young and annoyed family and friends with his outbursts, his interruptions, his fidgeting, and his constant desire for excitement to feed his constantly-bored brain. He drank to calm his brain. He drank to make friends. He stopped drinking 20 years ago because it took over his life. His mother has adhd and she drank and became an alcoholic. It’s not unusual for people with adhd to self-medicate. One of my kids was diagnosed when he was 8 years old. Over the years I’ve been able to work with him and find professionals to work with him. He understands his behavior and a little more forgiving with himself because of it. His diagnoses allowed him to get the accommodations he needs to help him succeed at school. When he took the ACT without accommodations he got a 24. With accommodations he got a 33. That high score gave him confidence and earned him the highest scholarship at the local university he applied to and will attend next fall. My other 3 kids didn’t have the extreme signs of ADHD that their brother did and went undiagnosed until college for my oldest 2 and junior year of high school for my daughter. They chose difficult academic paths and just couldn’t keep up with the homework. If they hadn’t seen how well diagnoses and medication helped their younger brother they might have dropped out of their desired career paths. Instead, they remembered that ADHD is usually inherited and they might have it too. All three got evaluated, started therapy, got accommodations at their schools and are back on track. They credit their younger brother’s early diagnosis and success managing his ADHD with giving them the courage to get diagnosed and get help. They know with their diagnoses that they are more susceptible to addictions. They know they are more likely to have depression and anxiety. They know that with their diagnoses they might have emotional regulation issues. Knowledge is power. And knowing you have that diagnoses means to can be proactive about it. It’s like being nearsighted- of course I wear glasses to treat it. With ADHD you just take steps to treat it and accommodate it.

I think you need to consider what you’d do differently? What are your daughter’s struggles and could a diagnosis and treatment make them more manageable. I always assumed I had undiagnosed adhd. I still haven’t gotten tested bc I, like you, have figured out strategies and arranged my life accordingly. However, 2 of my 3 children have diagnoses. We have chosen to medicate. School was proving unmanageable for my daughter by the 3rd grade. For my son, he is very bright and his struggles never showed in his grades but he was always just DONE at the end of the day bc, as his psychologist told us, the energy it took for him to be the well-behaved people pleaser he is and to make good grades took him 10x the amount of energy it took a typical kid. It was beginning to lead towards what I think would have been pretty debilitating anxiety and depression. I have experienced mild anxiety and depression that I think stems from my dealing with adhd. If I can give my kids the help and support that I didnt have and that I think would have benefitted me then I will. We’ve been fortunate in that a relatively low dose of focalin has made life more manageable and enjoyable for them both. I know that medication is controversial and there may be risks. But I know first-hand what comes of living with adhd without treatment (from my own experience) and then seeing the path my son was headed down mood-wise and have decided (along with my husband and our doctors) that this is the best path for our kids. I get where you are coming from. In fact, I have a 3rd child who has not been diagnosed and she is very bright. I wonder if she could get even more of a boost from meds and extra time and wonder about the fairness as I think adhd, like so many things, is a spectrum. Also, in an ideal world, we’d enable each kid to learn in a way that suits him or her best. But that’s not the world we live in. We live in a world where schools and curriculums are designed to serve those who live and operate in the most typical ways. It’s not a world I’m able to change before my kids grow up. So I’ll instead choose to focus on how I can best support them to thrive in the world as it is.

Hi Anon, I have a 7 year old girl with significant ADHD. I can sympathize with your feelings. For us, getting an official diagnosis led to streamlined services in school aimed at helping her learn skills to manage in the school environment. And really just in life in general. I think as she grows older, she will have to learn how to manage on her own with her ADHD. But with the diagnosis we have the benefit of giving her the skills to feel confident and the ability to problem solve. We think she is wonderful and perfect just the way she is, but learning life skills to help her with her symptoms gives her the tools to be confident of herself when she steps outside our home.

My husband was diagnosed at 39 and for him, he wishes he had the diagnosis years ago and laments all the years he wasted feeling bad about himself. He’s on medication now and said he finally feels like himself – we also got him anADHD coach so he has insight into how his specific brain works. Keeping this all in mind, we’re really watching our girls and trying to catch things early so they don’t go through what he did and we give them all the tools available. Our 8 year old was diagnosed with ocd and adhd last year – the ocd was a light bulb for us and not even something we considered but it’s helped us understand her better and be better equipped. The adhd diagnosis came later and it’s also been so helpful – I’m listening to adhd specific podcasts about her which have been enlightening – changing my parenting approach – specifically about homework or tasks she just doesn’t want to do. Honestly we talk about her diagnosis freely and ocd, she has a graphic novel about it she really relates to. Hers is called ‘just right’ ocd and I didn’t even know that’s a thing but it’s her for sure! We talk about it being a super power – he brain works differently and we just have to find ways to work through school challenges. Having the adhd diagnosis has helped her with testing at school because she used to be really stressed by it and felt rushed but now we have accommodations and she can test somewhere separate and take her sweet time. I think my husband was just so regretful about what he feels he missed out on – he spent years feeling awful about his productivity – but he didn’t have to feel that way.

Hi Anon. I’d like to offer my experience as a woman who got an adult ADHD diagnosis and a mother whose son also has it. When my son was in middle school I began to notice that he had a lot of executive function problems and while he did well in school he was always losing and forgetting things despite trying really hard to be organized. I suspected ADHD and simultaneously realized I had the same symptoms. We’ve both been evaluated and officially diagnosed and in many ways, as you suggested, not much has changed. We both have medication- he takes a non stimulant med every day because stimulant drugs were not effective for him, I have a rx for immediate release Adderall that I take only when I really need it like when I’m learning a new job or have to complete a task that has a lot of steps; a 30 day supply tends to last me for about 6 months. I think the greatest good that came from getting a formal diagnosis was knowing there was a reason why so many ordinary things were so hard for us to do. Like the writer of the article, I was not hyperactive and I was dismissed for years as being lazy, not caring enough to try harder, being flaky etc. It was only after all the coping mechanisms I had unwittingly developed stopped working at once and seeing my son struggle that I realized I might have an actual problem. I wish I had known years earlier, I managed to do well in k-12 because I was very smart, I actually liked to learn and I was a good test taker. This did not work in college and had I known I had a learning disorder I could have adapted my approach. I also would have been able to request accommodations. So I guess at the end of the day, I think the value in getting a diagnosis lies in knowing that there is a reason for the challenges the person may be experiencing, knowing that approaching things the way that people without ADHD do is often not going to work and being able to ask for the tools and accommodations a person might need due to having the disorder. It has also really helped me to talk to other women who have it about how they manage it and I am better able to ask for support from my husband and structure things in way that minimizes my symptoms. I also hope that hy getting my son diagnosed early and introducing him to methods for managing his ADHD he won’t struggle as much in school and at jobs as I did.

Totally agree, Anon! It seems the majority of people I know— including most of my family members— have been diagnosed ADHD. And yet I’m the “neurotypical” one for not having it? My husband was put on amphetamines as a young kid and resents it, as it stunted his growth and didn’t actually help him that much. If either of my babies grow up to have ADHD traits I plan on not medicating them and teaching them to accept their strengths & weaknesses and pursue environments where they thrive (which oftentimes is not a classroom, and that’s ok.)

Get a diagnosis if and only if it helps. Usually, people seek a diagnosis because they’re genuinely impaired and having challenges in life/school/work and need professional help to address it. If you’re able to manage the symptoms and live happily and successfully without the diagnosis, that’s great. If your child is struggling, it might be time to seek help.

Maybe one way to frame is to ask what the label does. It might, for example, enable certain supports in school (eg, test-taking time, etc). That’s just the key practical example. The question you’re posing here is whether a diagnosis/label helps with acceptance (her own or others’). That’s more complicated, certainly, but I would push back on the idea that a diagnosis is an “excuse.”

I would say…ask her! Our daughter begged for a diagnosis at age 14. She found it very comforting to know it was official. She’s currently going to a fabulous executive functioning coach. I think it gave her the info and oomph she needed to advocate for herself.

Adult ADHD diagnosis here — sounds like you’re being very thoughtful about things, and you’re aware that your brain likes certain ways of doing life that may be different from the “norm.” I don’t know if this is helpful to your situation, but for me, a diagnosis was an important tool I wish I’d had earlier. ADHD is a superpower and sometimes I forego medication if I need to hyperfocus or be super creative! But it also is a disability when I’m asked to do things structured for neurotypical brains, like sit through 8 hours of seminars and then ALSO go be a person at work dinner. Having the medication to experience those tasks more like the population they’re built for was huge. If nothing else, the experience of medication was a mind blowing experiment. After decades of periodic self-hatred over my chronic tardiness and disregard for other peoples’ time, etc., I experienced being early to things with EASE and realized that it was a biological issue, not a moral one, unless stimulants somehow grow your empathy. Tl;dr: I think a diagnosis can be like naming your super power as well as your disability, and it might bring opportunities for self exploration if you’re curious.

I was recently diagnosed as a 39 year old woman, after going through the questionnaire for my son. It has been a rollercoaster of self discovery and healing- so many things that I self-flagellated over are characteristics of ADHD. For example I never kept a job longer than ten years. Struggled to maintain friendships long-term. Serial new hobbyist. Many great things have come from my condition, but it has been very hard too. I am grateful it hasn’t resulted in more harmful behaviours and addictions, car accidents, unemployment, imprisonment or early death like others with ADHD. Unlike some other conditions, medication is the most effective way to treat ADHD, not to say that you cannot manage or function well without it. But I can feel the difference now, wow. I can get off the hamster wheel. I wish my parents had recognised and supported a diagnosis when I was a child if only to have that understanding about myself. It’s not a label, it’s a diagnosis.

Gosh, my personal experience with my ADHD diagnosis is different from what you’re anticipating for your daughter. An earlier diagnosis would have removed so much suffering and pain from my life. I am, on paper, a successful and intelligent person. Despite this, I have lived with internal negative self talk my entire life. I thought I was lazy and sloppy and a fraud because my executive functioning was so “poor”. Daily life was/is HARD. Sometimes I felt like a square peg in a round hole because tasks that seemingly came easy to everyone else were a Sisyphean burden to me. Realizing that I was neurodivergent and not lazy, sloppy, or stupid – that I shouldn’t be measured by what society deemed to be (neuro)typical because my brain is simply different from the majority of people – has lightened my mental and emotional burden. I don’t blame or shame myself. At the same time, I am so sad that this wasn’t caught earlier in my life. I and so deeply sad at my missed potential, had I been given the tools to function in a neurotypical academic, professional and personal setting. Something to consider as you think about your next steps.

Hi, these are all thoughts I have had myself about one of my kids. Can I ask what books you are looking at re supporting kids with ADHD? Thank you!

Lots of empathy for you in this situation! As a high school teacher, I’d say that it can be really great for kids with ADHD to have access to alternate testing environment accommodations (other accommodations as well! But to me, this is the one I’ve seen as most effective for this diagnosis). Totally hear you on everyone being different and needing to come to terms with how that affects their daily lives, but the school system can be ruthlessly uniform—sometimes a kid can find peace in knowing their brain isn’t going to sabotage their test just because they’re in a distracting mainstream classroom. One more angle to consider!

I struggled to test my child. And then to medicate. The first time he was medicated and came home in awe that he could start and finish school work was indescribable. Labels seem like a fad but the people who have them struggle beyond what the eye can see and they need the help otherwise they will start to label themselves and lose confidence or others will label them with their choice of words. A label will get you the help you need and a reason for that help. I tell myself, if my child had a physical would I deny him his diagnosis and the treatment that he deserves? Statements like “we are all a little ADHD” are not helpful. Kids with ADHD are trying so hard all the time but no one validates how hard they try. A neuropsych test is expensive, but so helpful and comprehensive that I recommend it highly. I am sorry to be yet another voice of pressure perhaps but your post could have been written by me 8 years ago and I wish I had embraced the label sooner without fear. That’s what those parents who say their kids are neurodiverse are doing – creating a community of acceptance for brain differences that cause immeasurable struggles for their kids.

I think it’s wonderful that you’re putting so much thought into how to give your daughter the best possible experience. In case it’s helpful, I thought I’d share my story. I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 40. As a result, I spent my childhood wondering what was wrong with me. I was badly bullied, isolated, and always stressed and anxious. This, despite supportive, kind parents who always made me feel seen. Personally, I really wish I’d had a diagnosis. Not so I could get drugs (I still don’t take medication) but because having a diagnosis made me feel so understood. It also meant I found this huge online community of other women just like me. They find the same things hard. Their brains work faster, just like mine. It has been overwhelming, validating, and precious. For me, it’s been less about trying to “fix” what was wrong with me – something I spent 30 years pre

I so completely relate as a fellow mom who is married to a neurodivergent person, probably also similarly neurodivergent myself, and always convinced every decision will be the wrong one. Just sending you a huge hug because there is nothing to say except that I get it, and I so deeply feel this too. Are there any books you would recommend from your stack?

This is such a hard choice, and it’s so clear that you love your daughter for exactly who she is! I do want to say that a big advantage to a formal diagnosis is access to the right accommodations at school (and later, in the workplace). These can be really simple, like a quiet space to write tests, but they let your kid shine and show off her full capabilities. Similarly, medications don’t change who a person is; they let a person more fully inhabit themselves, by freeing up some of their energy that would otherwise be spent in a constant and exhausting battle with executive dysfunction. We are all different, and I also wish we lived in a world where everyone’s unique and beautiful ways of being were accepted and accommodated. But since we don’t, there are some pretty practical benefits to formal diagnoses.

What you said is so thoughtful: ” It feels so counterintuitive to me that we can only accept our own and each other’s limitations when we can label them, when we can be part of a category. So many people around me – both adults and kids – get diagnosed as neurodiverse that I wonder whether the point is maybe just that we are all different. ” Given your thoughtfulness in approaching neurodiversity, I think the decision will be right either way you choose, because you are accepting of differences and will help your daughter navigate it thoughtfully!

Hi Anon! I absolutely take your point about how our society can only accept someone if there’s a label. As a 3rd grade teacher I started implementing a lot of accommodations universally in my classroom (verbal directions also written, use of visual timers, movement breaks, etc etc) bc they were in the 504 plans of my students with diagnosed ADHD but I also saw how they supported all my learners—including some who could have been neurodivergent without a diagnosis. Your daughter will encounter many teachers in her life. Some of them may constantly be learning how to provide universal accommodations to support all their learners. Some may not. Academic and social success may come easily to your daughter or they may not. It may change as she gets older or it may not. If your kid does get an official diagnosis that can provide her with a 504 plan (if you are in the US) which is a legal document that can provide her with accommodations that could help her (ex: extended time on tests, movement breaks, etc) that not all teachers may provide on their own. My own daughter just got diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD herself. We’re using that as a springboard to talk about her beautiful brain. Those diagnoses each have their positives and their challenges. We talk about them matter of factly. It’s how her brain works and it’s a part of what makes her who she is. We discuss the strategies we use with her and at her school so she can connect how they support her. She may be able to muscle through the day without those accommodations, but doing so leaves her feeling drained. No matter what your family decides your daughter will know you love her fiercely for exactly who she is bc that is the way you’ve written about her.

I am a teacher of neurodiverse children and personally think a diagnosis can provide a name and identity for children to better understand themselves, and the power to figure out what (if anything) to do about it. A diagnosis doesn’t mean anything is “wrong,” “needs to be fixed,” or any intervention (medical, educational, or otherwise) needs to be implemented. The best scenarios I see are from parents and caregivers who understand their child and their needs, love them for their strengths and their challenges, and make accommodations that come from that place of understanding and love, which it sounds like you’re already doing and was modeled for you by your mother.

Anon— I felt like you did, but when my two oldest went to college, they needed that proof of ADHD to get some additional assistance when they were there. I wish I had done it with them much earlier; now that I know what assistance could have been available for them, I regret that I didn’t do it sooner. My kids both said they wished we had done it sooner because it made them feel less crazy. I wish I had understood that it would help them to feel more okay with who they were. I’d encourage you to do the testing; it’s up to you who you tell if you do it on your own and not through the school, and I think you’ll find there are good reasons to share the information. Good luck and take care.

Hi! I’m a children’s LCSW and I completely understand the hesitation, there is a lot of stigma in this society around “labels.” That said, for many of the kids I work with, getting a diagnosis is one of the most empowering experiences (we can create this experience if we approach it that way)! Once kids understand what ADHD is, they are able to think “this is hard for me because I have ADHD, let me use one of my strategies” instead of “this is hard for me because I’m worthless and incapable,” which is sadly how MANY kids self-narrate their experiences (even if they don’t tell us that)!!! All the best to you, there’s a huge neurodivergent community on social media if you need any support in learning to love our unique wiring ❤️

What a beautiful, thoughtful conversation. It makes me realize that I need to understand more how adhd impacts my wife and our marriage. It was a non issue for the first part of our relationship but then she stopped being able to treat it effectively and now it’s so hard for her and for us. Wondering if anyone has any recommendations?

Wow I loved reading all these responses – in case it’s helpful to other parents – we’re subscribed to adhd dude and calm parenting podcasts – they’ve both been I friendly helping in giving me strategies to help our daughter. Really simple things like how adhd kids don’t grasp time well so we have an analog clock which we can color in to help her understand.

Agree with Anon and Liz. Liz’s statement about “pursuing environments where they thrive which often- times is not a classroom and that’s OK” I so agree. Some kids naturally thrive in school but many do not thrive in what is really a pretty unnatural environment.

I just want to chime in to say how much I appreciate this discussion, one that is so heated in every other part of my life, being given so much air and patience by the people commenting. Y’all are beautiful and why I keep coming back! And on the topic of worrying that our kids will blame us for our choices when they are older- this is something that constantly haunts us. My dad used to say that he hoped his kids would go to therapy for something different than his reasons to go to therapy. Which is to say, none of us are doing this right, but we’re all trying to adjust and learn from where we came from and do a little better. I hope in the future we can be kind to our past selves, we were doing our best with what we knew and had at the time.

What a nice thing to wish. Thank you Claire.

Thanks for this, Margaret. My husband died last week. I am so grateful for everyone in my life who has stepped up and supported me, but I have to try to remember that only I can maneuver through this transition in a way that is truly me. The best thing about CofJ is that no matter what is happening in your life, you will find help and comfort here.

Libbynan, so terribly sorry to hear this. Sending up a small prayer for both you and your husband. Wishing you Peace.

Libbyan, I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. Sending you lots of love and holding you in light as you navigate the waves of grief ❤️

Ohh Libbynan, sending our deepest sympathies for your huge loss. Will be thinking of your husband today and holding you close in my thoughts. Sending so much love.

Oh Libbynan, my deepest sympathy to you. I’ve followed your comments about what you and your husband have been going through in the last year ( or so) . Thinking of you with love <3

I’m so sorry for your loss Libbynan. Thinking of you and sending hugs. It’s true that only you can maneuver through the process – just grant yourself the grace to do so at whatever pace feels right to you.

Libbynan: I’m so sorry to hear this news. I have been following your updates and feared things were progressing as we have not heard from you for the past couple weeks. Sending you a hug through the ethernet and wishing I could keep you company in your grief.

My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in 2nd grade. It was obvious for years that he was NOT neurotypical but getting him diagnosed was very difficult. The public school therapists reassured me that any problems he had were due to decisions I had made. When I finally got him seen by an excellent group of PhDs he scored off the charts for adhd. He’s been in therapy and taking Concerta for the last 10 years. This summer he scored a 33 on his ACT and was just accepted to college with the highest scholarship this school offers. My other 3 kids had much milder adhd which didn’t look at all like their younger brothers’ adhd. The two oldest were smart enough to get through tough classes in high school but then in college adhd reared its head and nearly derailed them. A wonderful psychiatrist recognized the signs and got them on meds right away. One of them is now on the dean’s list. The other said recently that taking medication makes all the difference in the world. My daughter’s adhd looked nothing like her three brothers.’ She too is a brilliant kid. Their ADHD gave them some super abilities in some cases but in other ways it crippled them. The trick is to find the areas where our kiddos are gifted and kindle that ability while helping them in the areas where they are failing. Unfortunately, my kids had to start struggling before they got the attention and help they needed to really flourish.

Abbey, I see you! I have a son with dysgraphia and never see much in the wild about it. My son is in a private school where classes are small and the teachers are wonderful. The best decision we have made. He was lost in the crowd at our over crowded public school :(

Right on !

Neither a husband nor a man, but I was in the room for my wife’s C-section and simply stayed on her side of the big blue sheet that blocks what’s happening, like up by her head. She was awake, it took 120 seconds, and then we were given our baby for a quick snuggle and photo before they took her away to get all the tests, etc and my wife got stitched up. Hope that helps!

My husband is absolutely traumatized by it. It took him a couple of months to feel positively toward our daughter because of it. Thankfully he already had a good therapist who has continued to be helpful. Another friend of mine who had a traumatic birth, her husband still can’t talk about the experience and their son is six. So yes, it’s fair to say that difficult births are traumatic for partners.

There was a high sheet up at the bust line for me so neither of us could see what was happening. So it was not at all traumatizing for my husband. I had the nurse anesthetist take a ton of photos (she offered to) and I love looking at them. My husband has no desire to see them, though. I think the transition to the c-section from trying to deliver vaginally with my first was the harder since the baby’s heart rate kept dropping. But I don’t think the c section was at all hard for him!

I think for the most part, partners can’t see the surgery. There is a screen up that blocks the view of both the patient and the support person. In few instances (maybe if the partner was a medical professional?) they can watch, but I actually talked to my doctor about this and she said no to my husband watching my c-section because as you’ve mentioned it can be very traumatizing to see a loved one opened up like that! And for practical reasons, they don’t need a bystander fainting :)

My husband definitely had a good view of at least sections of our daughter’s C-section birth, including when I had a B-Lynch suture done on my uterus due to it not contracting normally post baby removal (I learned about this afterwards). The C-section was not exactly an emergency but was a decision we came to after about 40 hours of early labor not progressing. I couldn’t see and had a very effective epidural which kept me from feeling any pain. It wasn’t the birth I was hoping for initially and I was definitely nervous but also glad to be getting it over with. I wouldn’t say it traumatized him but I think it is a very strong memory that definitely makes him more concerned for my safety when we discuss having another one. We have a video taken by a nurse which I treasure but which also took me several months to watch just because remembering the pain of recovery made me cringe.

My husband attended my cesarean and he was fine – he was really interested in the procedure, and the doctor was fine explaining what was happening and allowing him on the other side of the screen. He was with me, and made sure I was okay before taking this interest and during the event. There was no ptsd or anything. I think it depends on the person, and the couple, what they can handle personally.

This made me recall The Retrievals podcast which just took on pain during c-section and how often women are ignored and why – specifically during this surgery. It was both awful and fascinating to hear how individuals are trying to change the whole medical field’a approach and awareness. Highly recommend!!

I really wanted my then husband (we’re divorced now) to peek, but he said no way, and he’s a medical professional. I think seeing strangers sliced up is one thing, but seeing me like that would have been a different story. I still wish I would have had the wherewithal to have taken a look though, call me crazy.

Mine says “no. It was mostly just very cold. And the doc seemed like she was having so much fun.”

They usually can’t see with the drapes, and many docs will cover the belly if the partner is going to walk by. My husband got to see my belly cut open and wishes he didn’t. I also have dads leaning over the drape to see 🤷🏻‍♀️

Was a Labor and Delivery coach for a good friend of mine. Totally pissed the MD off when, before he made the cut, I asked him: “is she numb”? Guess what? She wasn’t. They increased the epidural and all went well, she was extremely grateful. Important questions to ask….

I feel like coj could do an interesting piece on childbirth impacts on the partners just generally. I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks that was devastating for me. I had already heard the heartbeat but my husband hadn’t yet. We were meant to have our first ultrasound the morning of the miscarriage (during which I passed out from blood loss and my husband had to call an ambulance.) That aspect was all so traumatizing for him. During my next pregnancy, I don’t think he slept through the night once – any time I got up to pee he assumed something terrible was happening. But in the early grief months, when I would leave my office crying and pick him up at his office to cry in the car with him, I remember him saying gently, “I wish I had more feelings about this baby, but it happened in your body not mine. So I am sad, but from a distance you don’t have.” I appreciated his honesty, his desperation to truly share my sadness and be in it with me, but I also feel like this was a confusing time for him. Also watching 2 vaginal births was probably traumatizing as well and in a very different way.

My husband was sitting next to my head and when it was time to announce the gender, they told him to stand up and look over the sheet! He remembers seeing my insides basically out of me and trying to focus on just our baby to announce that he was a boy! Crazy experience but he actually kind of loves to tell the story now, even 12 years later! Maybe because all went so well and it didn’t turn into an emergency c-section, so everyone seemed pretty relaxed. I think it’s pretty unusual for the staff to tell the husband to stand up and look, though! More common for them to bring the baby over to your side of the sheet. They could probably see how excited we were to find out the gender. I do think your partner seeing what you’re going through to bring a baby earthside is actually not a bad thing!! But maybe you can just be more directive with what you want. We hadn’t gone in knowing I’d have a c-section so we didn’t think it through that much. Also, I would drink hot tea with lemon as soon as you can after to avoid getting air trapped in you. That happened to me and the gas can get deffered to your shoulder. I thought I was having a heart attack and it was more painful than labor. Doesn’t happen to everyone, but drink hot tea to avoid it. I did with my second and it didn’t happen for that c-section. Good luck! It’s all crazy amazing.

Reading these other responses, I just want to clarify that I don’t believe c-sections are inherently traumatizing. It very much depends on context.

My husband was allowed to watch if he wanted (I had three) but they positioned him near my head to help me. He looked a couple times and said from his angle it was more like hands in and gauze and such. Nothing gory. I think it’s contained and, well, surgical so not too traumatizing. Just our experience!

A colleague once told me that his wife had had a very traumatic birth of his first child. It wasn’t a C section as far I as remember, but I think there was a lot of emergency surgery required straight after the birth and there were a few touch and go moments during the birth as well. He told me that whilst his wife was recovering, an obs took him aside and very seriously told him he would need to book into some therapy as soon as he felt able. And that the trauma for birth partners is different because their body isn’t having the hormonal response to birth and delivery that birthing mothers do, and that he would likely have more lingering memories etc than his wife would. He said he was so glad of this advice as it took him a very long time to process it all and the therapy was definitely needed.

Here to second the recommendation for season 2 of Retrievals (and the first season as well). They are so well done and important!

My first C Section my husband couldn’t see anything, they were very adamant about him staying near my head but the whole thing was quite traumatising for him because it was an emergency section. My second c section was elective and he started not being able to see anything but as they were about to pull the baby out the surgeon asked if he wanted to see so he did watch that bit and I wouldn’t say he was traumatised by it but he did comment that they kind of yanked her to get her out and he wasn’t expecting it. The second section the whole surgical team were women which I loved but they spent nearly the whole time talking about the tv show Call the Midwife which I found very funny.

My husband observed all 4 of my C-sections. After one, he told me he was able to see the doctor move my organs around to pull the baby out and that there was a lot of tugging that he didn’t expect. And then he said, “I can now say that I know you inside and out.” Always the jokester.

Andreea, I know you meant well, but of course you were fine with it, you are a woman. A man is going to have different take on it. They are generally not accustomed to blood and guts the way women are…

Gracie, what an odd comment, I’m not sure what you’re referencing, I merely shared my experience that there was no blood nor guts, for me.

How *they* process and recover? I was certainly more concerned with how I would process and recover. My C-Section was planned, and not optional, because I had placenta previa – both my baby and I could have died in a “nartural” birth. There was no way my partner was getting out of being in the room. I strongly felt that I needed an advocate in the surgery with me – -far too many women die in childbirth. If my daughter had not gone to the NICU, I would have had him stay with me in recovery, where I ended up alone, in shock, with skyrocketing blood pressure. It was terrifying. My doctors didn’t permit him to look below the curtain because they don’t have any interest in having to take care of a not-birthing partner who passes out. There is also NO WAY that he would have missed his daughter’s birth.

Write this book, Lucia! You’re the one!

A great one was published last year – Grow Big, Little Seed by Bec Nanayakkara and Sara Capon. It features pregnancy after loss as well, TW, but it’s beautifully done.

I don’t know if it’s translated into English, but Vem Finns? by Stina Wirsén treats the subject beautifully. (The title means Who Exists?) It’s a short picturebook, maybe it could work for you even though it is in Swedish?

School Librarian entering the chat! Dear Star Baby by Malcolm Newsome, No New Baby by Merrill Garbus, and There Was A Baby by Laura Camerona might fit the bill. Everywhere, Still by M.H. Clark isn’t about miscarriage but it’s a great way to explain love and loss to a child.

I’ll add one more: The Magic Ticket by David Hicks about the death of a sibling in childhood

One that helped my daughter (and me) tremendously after a late term pregnancy termination for medical reasons: All Shining in the Spring. This is a very gentle and matter fact (true) telling of a young boy awaiting a new baby sibling, who is born stillborn. The parents in the story explain miscarriage, stillbirth, and child loss very plainly but gently, noting that the pain lessens over time but is always there. I still sob when reading with my daughter, but it was so helpful and beautifully done. PS sending you and your daughter love and light.

Yes! My first thought when I saw that plate was, “Godiva truffles.”