My Therapist’s Secret to Midlife
When I was 22, I had a hazy view of my future, but if hard-pressed, there were five things I was certain of: I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to eventually get married, probably to a fellow artist. I wanted at least two kids. I wanted to live in Brooklyn for the rest of my days with my family and college friends. I wanted to one day own a house in the Catskills where my family could gather every summer.
Let me tell you how many of those five things happened: one. One! I am, indeed, an artist.
But the rest?
The actor-boyfriend I spent my twenties convinced I’d marry? We broke up when we were both 33. I married my now-husband at 34, but he is most definitely not an artist. Marrying him meant leaving Brooklyn and moving to Europe and then to Los Angeles.
Those two kids I wanted? I got just one, which has been one of the biggest heartbreaks and joys of my life.
The house in the Catskills? I guess I can keep dreaming.
There are so many other things that haven’t turned out as planned: my marriage is — like most — more complicated than “I do.” I’m not always satisfied with how far along I am in my career, in part because I’ve done most of the childcare in our home. Because I live in L.A., I spend much of my life in the car. My aging parents and most of my oldest friends live a continent away.
Those are the hard things, but there is so much that’s unexpectedly wonderful: my daughter and I are about as close as a mother-daughter pair can be, perhaps because she’s an only. My left-brained husband has a stable job that allows me the freedom to be an artist. By moving to L.A., I now live within an hour of my sister for the first time since we were kids. My family has found a community of friends on the west coast that has been the foundation of our life for the past decade.
It’s a great life that I love. And, also, sometimes I really hate it.
****
The other morning, I was blabbering to my therapist about this very thing, about how surprised and sad I was about how so many parts of my life have turned out, all the while being so grateful for a whole lot of it.
She stopped me. “Midlife,” she said, “is all about holding the tension of opposites.”
Wait, what?
It was one of those moments in therapy when you have to stop and just take it in.
Midlife is all about holding the tension of opposites.
Unlike in our 20s, when it’s all about the future – getting the job, dating, building a career and/or a family, traveling, doing good in the world – this stage is all about holding the light and the dark, the good and the bad, at once. For most of us, that means there’s plenty we are happy with, and plenty that we are shocked or disappointed by. Perhaps a marriage has ended or we weren’t able to have kids. Perhaps our parents have fallen ill. Maybe we fell into unexpected careers that turned out to give us enormous satisfaction. Perhaps our second marriages are much better than our firsts!
At this stage of life, she explained, we are reconciling how we thought our life would go with how it’s actually going.
My brilliant therapist’s point: there’s no getting around this. Welcome to midlife.
Of course, there’s something hard about this realization, but it also offers a not-so-small glimmer of relief. One of the most refreshing things my therapist said to me when it came to holding the light and the dark had to do not with a big thing but a small one: My husband’s work will take him away from home for long periods this year, and I’m already anxious about it.
“You’ll miss him when he’s gone, and you won’t miss him when he’s gone,” she said, “and both are okay.”
Both are okay! Well, if that isn’t a motto to live by in midlife, I don’t know what is.
Abigail Rasminsky is a writer and editor based in Los Angeles. She teaches creative writing at the Keck School of Medicine of USC and writes the weekly newsletter, People + Bodies. She has also written for Cup of Jo on many topics, including marriage, preteens, perimenopause, and only children.
P.S. Enjoying an empty nest, nine reader comments on aging, and how would you describe yourself in five words?
(Photos of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler from Amy’s podcast Good Hang.)
Comments
149 commentsBeautiful post. And perfect timing for me right now. I feel like i need more posts from the author on this section: “Those two kids I wanted? I got just one, which has been one of the biggest heartbreaks and joys of my life.” I’m choosing not to become pregnant for medical reasons (long story that involves a kidney transplant, a second trimester miscarriage, aaaand another kidney transplant). So my husband and I were very lucky and happy to adopt our daughter 5 years ago :) We’re trying to adopt again, but you know. Life. We’ll see if it happens. I’m really trying to prepare myself for being OK (or at peace) with it not happening. I always thought I’d have 2 or 3 kids, ya know? Doesn’t help that everyone loves to tell me how I need more than one…
I hear you, jewel! here are two posts (including an essay by Abigail), and we’d love to do more: https://cupofjo.com/2021/07/26/pandemic-only-child/ https://cupofjo.com/2018/01/22/on-having-an-only-child/
I love this post! I feel like “the tension of two opposites” is a beautiful way to describe the “what might have been, what still could be” thinking that I tend towards on quiet days. This beautiful poem best describes it for me: If I Had Three Lives by Sarah Russell If I had three lives, I’d marry you in two. The other? Perhaps that life over there at Starbucks, sitting alone, writing — a memoir, maybe a novel or this poem. No kids, probably, a small apartment with a view of the river, and books — lots of books, and time to read. Friends to laugh with, and a man sometimes, for a weekend, to remember what skin feels like when it’s alive. I’d be thinner in that life, vegan, practice yoga. I’d go to art films, farmers markets, drink martinis in swingy skirts and big jewelry. I’d vacation on the Maine coast and wear a flannel shirt weekend guy left behind, loving the smell of sweat and aftershave more than I did him. I’d walk the beach at sunrise, find perfect shell spirals and study pockmarks water makes in sand. And I’d wonder sometimes if I’d ever find you.
Loved this!
I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, at the age of 44. After starting tamoxofen i developed vein problems. As ive worried about blood clots and aneurysm im also in the thick of life with 3 active children. Life and death are fighting it out in my body and all around me- talk about opposites. I thought i could control the mid life crisis impulse by being happy with my life choices, only to find out that some far ends of the spectrum happen to us, not by choice.
Speaking of therapists alongside the photo of Amy Poehler, this podcast was a much needed laugh this week, https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/say-more-with-dr-sheila/id1725093167
I really needed this today! I am 46 and am finding myself having all of these big “adult” concerns at the moment while I still feel 26! We are having some issues with our house and expensive repairs needed and I am having to manage really big, expensive questions. And this seems so foreign to me because before now it has always been about “smaller” things – small flat, old car, maybe deciding on a cheaper holiday. And I have to manage this issue outside of full time work and family. And I also realise how lucky I am to have a house and family but my thoughts all just seem so big and all-consuming.
Is that not the truth?! I am shocked that I’m turning 43 soon, and yet feel like i’m still 28. I have so much more empathy now for older people that are still hanging on to jobs, their homes, whatever… because I know now that they also don’t really mentally feel their age. I still have these moments of… am I the adult here?
I turned 40 and desperately want a second child. Always have. My husband? Not at all. This was insightful but I’d love for more wisdom thrown at me. How do I make piece with this, if nothing changes and I remain, forever, a parent of a single child, feeling like I missed out?
Just a thought, (I told a friend in the same position as you) if he agreeed and you tried and couldn’t conceive, you’d also grieve and move one, because there was a “reason” you couldn’t have another kid. Is not your partners adamant resistance and sureness he doesn’t want another kid also a good reason? Signed, Me, who for a long time was your husband and came to my own conclusions to TTC again
I don’t know, but at least maybe make sure your second-child dreaming isn’t unrealistic! Every child you have is a BIG roll of the dice: in some ways it doesn’t even make sense to want two kids that much (or one, or none, or three) because you don’t actually know what you’ll get! Two best friends? Two kids who betray each other in the worst way? Two kids with not much in common? Another child could have medical needs that turn the whole family upside down. A second child could be the missing puzzle piece that makes your family make sense. More likely, a second child would mean that you eventually return to the same level of happy and satisfied you are now! You’d long for the time and simplicity you have now, while not being able to imagine life without them.
What wonderful insight to share. I have been thinking of similar lately in terms of my own life. My life is stable in the ways that count most – happy marriage, healthy/happy kids, loving extended family, financial stability. And yet the franticness of the day to day living, the hills and valleys that come with it all…it can be such a dichotomy, and I live by, “Two things can be true.” My husband is about to be away for much for the coming year – a total away-time of about 8-9 months in the next 12. I have spent the last year planning for it and dreading it, but also holding space for the me who is a little happy she gets to hog the TV every night and do everything only how I want to do it.
oh dang, i needed this
My husband recited part of a Longfellow poem at his sister’s wedding that included the line, “Life is checkered, shade and sunshine.” I think about this phrase all. the. time.
That is so beautiful- thank you for sharing.
Yes and yes! I’ve gotten so much comfort (and yes, relief) out of this poem and have been reading it almost daily as a reminder: “Everything is Both. Both Wonderful and Terrible. Both Boring and Exciting. It’s okay that it’s Both. Obvious and Hidden. Simple and Complicated. What a Relief that Everything can be Both. Light and Dark. Celebratory and Melancholy.”
I love this! thank you!!
No one is ever stuck, praise God!
This is beautiful-it feels like your writing tapped into my soul. I’m 43, and lately spending a lot of time reflecting on whether 23 year old me would be proud of how I turned out. Life really is the sum of all the mundane choices and sometimes I’m sad for not having a bolder, more impressive life while simultaneously remaining grateful for the beautiful life I do have. Also, as someone who generally has a fairly strong sense of body confidence, the weight just keeps creeping on (perimenopause?) and I find myself once again stuck in the “thin is best” comparison game of the early ‘00s now that so many people I know are on GLP1s. At times I feel like I am the only one aging naturally, which makes me also question my choices.
I feel all of this! Solidarity!!
I’m aging naturally. Never thought about any other way. I’m 66. You’re not alone. I just re read your post and see you’re 43. You’re not even aging yet ( so young ! ) naturally or otherwise !
Nodding along to all of this. You’re not alone Lucy.
From one Lucy to another, I fee every part of your comments. Im 46 and feel like everyone around me is getting skinnier(injectioms) and tighter (Botox). I so badly want to set a good example for my two teenage daughters. I want them to see their mom embracing aging but it is a daily battle of the mind.
Love this. It’s “two things are true,” but for grown people!
My suggestion is to refer to the poems of Andrea Gibson as were shared in this week’s weekend wrap up posts. They are breathtaking. If you are still feeling down and out of sorts, keep reading. You will realize what a blessing every day is!
Yes to all of this! An added complication for me is that my dad died when he was 55 years old. I’m 50 now, so of course I think “well, what if I only have 5 years left?!” GULP.
Can someone please explain to me the situation about therapists? It seems that having a therapist is as normal as having a dentist or hairdresser in the US. Is that true? It’s so often referenced in posts and comments on this and other sites run by Americans. I live in Australia and it is not a normal everyday regular thing to do. Sure we have psychologists and psychiatrists to treat mental illness in all its guises and our fair share of life coaches who feel more like grifters than actual therapists given their relentless self promotion on social media. What’s the deal with therapists? Do people see them because they are mentally unwell? Or is it more like having an objective third party confidant to chat to? Are they qualified? What sort of qualifications do they have? I have so many questions about this!
so curious to hear people’s answers! my take is that mental health has had a huge renaissance in the U.S. as something that people deserve to get help with when they need it. so, for example, I saw a therapist before/during/after after my divorce. there seems to be very little stigma around therapy overall at least in New York, although of course different cultures can conceive of it differently. it’s also expensive, which can be prohibitive, but many insurance plans cover at least some of it, either in-network or out-of-network. curious to hear what others say! xo
oh wow! i had never considered that the rest of the “west” had a different take or that the american approach to therapy might be singular (of course, now i’m like ‘duh’). here’s my experience… i sought out therapy about ten years ago following a difficult patch in my relationship, which i felt was stemming from some childhood traumas that were painfully lingering and “coming up sideways” in my present relationship. i researched providers online, all licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFTs) and read through their bios to seek out a good fit. after a couple of false starts, i met with someone who felt right and ten years later, we’re still at it, meeting about once a month. my therapist has walked me through intense childhood memories using somatic methods like EMDR and brainspotting, but also provides more traditional talk therapy where she’s a soft landing pad for issues coming up for me, usually offering ways i might relax into greater acceptance. she’s helped me through miscarriages, friendships shifting, motherhood, and taught me truly how to stick up for myself, even when it’s so, so hard. honestly, i consider our professional relationship as a primary one in my life; she’s been a true guide and it’s just a singular experience to have someone who holds me in “unconditional positive regard” as they say in the biz. if you’re considering at all, i think it’s worth pursuing 100%!
Therapy is tremendously supportive for life challenges, especially around relationship issues or anything that causes anxiety. You should only go to licensed therapists, LMSW, or LMFT’s, in the US. Psychiatrist’s and psychologist’s have medical degrees. There are also life coaches, who are not assciociated with medical professions but a good one can be very helpful for sorting out your life. It can be incredibly healing to have a professional help you with life’s challenges as they are not able to judge you the way friends and family are likely to. Just be aware that in my, admittedly brief, look into it, it looked like all the online private therapy companies, (BetterHelp, etc), are NOT held legally subject to HIPAA law in the US, which means your sessions are not privacy protected legally, no matter what they say. Which, if true, means you’re only one greedy CEO away from exploitation, if it’s not already their business model…in any case, anything on Zoom is questionable. There is a reason why they do not use Signal or any other encrypted service as the norm. Be aware.)
An analogy that I like, is that going to a therapist can be like going to a personal trainer, but instead you’re working on your mental wellness instead of your physical wellness. That is, you don’t need to wait until you’re unhealthy or have a physical problem to use a personal trainer. It’s great for your body to be working out and consulting with an expert all along the way. That’s how I use therapy too! I am generally mentally pretty well, but a therapist has really helped me improve my life, find more joy and contentedness, be a better partner and friend, etc.
“Do people see them because they are mentally unwell?” It’s everyone mentally unwell in 2025??? Being human is hard and the world is bleak. Therapists with a LCSW or LCPC licensure have to complete a masters degree in counseling or social work, plus complete around 3k hours of post-master’s supervised clinical experience. Clinical supervisors provide case consultation, performance monitoring, feedback and answers to ethical questions. I know many people (myself included) that have a diagnosed mental health disorder and use therapy to help manage that. There are also people that utilize therapy to work on relationship issues, self esteem, life transitions. Sometimes I feel lonely and just want to vent to my therapist about it.
I second (or third?) the idea that having a therapist at certain points in my life has been so helpful. As a new mom struggling with postpartum anxiety, as a person in midlife navigating relationship difficulties and just as a human who can use another perspective sometimes. We each only know what it’s like to live in our own brains, with our own perspectives. I am grateful for my therapist to help me see outside of myself and look at things in another way. Also – I’m a coach who isn’t a grifter :) I often find that coaching can be a lovely baton pass from therapy. When you’ve gone down and circled around as far you can go, many of our tools in coaching are designed to help someone up, out and forward. We take a different orientation to time than therapy and use a lot of cool somatic approaches to help clients get unstuck and live lives they are excited about and proud of. I know the reputation of coaches can be sleazy (and thanks to instagram and TV, getting sleazier all the time?!) but I worked for two years to get certified, had hundreds of hours of practice coaching and supervision and work really hard to be a well-trained, responsible, ethical coach. There are grifty coaches out there, of course, but there are lazy people who are bad at their jobs in every profession. As a service, coaching can be life changing and most of us care for our clients deeply and want to see them thrive.
Soo… Therapists are a great resource. And, I have a different perspective on the question of differences in American life vs other places. For me, I often wondering if we ended up in paid therapy space because of the devolution of the nuclear family, loss of religious life, lack of third spaces, and overall loss of community. Personally, I think that’s why many Americans turn to a therapist to address ‘the void’. (Disclaimer: I do not support any Hegsethian ideas to ‘fix’ these issues. I am only sharing my observations.)
I’m Australian and almost everyone I know under 55 has a therapist. Especially under 35s. I think it’s a combination of mental health and narcissism ( in a good way – uninterrupted me time).
Having a therapist is out of reach for people in the large HMO health insurance in certain US states (rhymes with Pfizer). Last year?ish the HMO therapists went on strike to protest understaffing. There have been $$ fines levied by certain states about patient access to mental health. There is zero out of network coverage because it’s an HMO. Appointments are booked way in advance so there’s no seeing a therapist weekly.
My (licensed!) therapist explains it this way: a coach is for when you need help creating an external support system in one or a few areas of your life. Therapy is for when you realize your emotional response to something in your life doesn’t match who you know yourself to be. And psychiatry is for selecting and managing medications for mental health and or neurodivergence. She’s also adamant that people should “graduate” from therapy and then schedule an occasional session if something comes up, or to begin a new set of therapy sessions if a new problem presents itself. I graduated twice, once after healing a traumatic period of my life, and again when my mom was terminally ill. I now really only schedule an appointment if something comes up that feels like it’s connected to one of those issues, which are my personal thorns. Plenty of other huge things have happened since my therapy graduations, but therapy equipped me with the tools to navigate them.
Thank you all so much for your comments. It’s so interesting. I do not know a single person who has a therapist yet another person from Australia knows many. Another thing I thought of is here in Australia most organisations that have some sort of Human Resources function have an Employee Assistance Program and any employee (and often family members) can access this service without paying, the employer pays. The number of sessions is usually capped per person per year, in my organisation it is 10 per year. You can see them about anything, it doesn’t have to be work related. So I guess that is a form of therapy? EAP providers are usually psychologists. Again thanks for taking the time to respond. Much appreciated.
Julie, I wonder if therapist as a word is making you think it is less common in Australia – it is true, that’s not an Australian word… we might say counsellor, psychologist, coach. I know some people who meet their counsellors walking along the beach, so it is a walking session. Yes, most work places (organisations) provide free counselling, and your GP can also get 10 sessions bulk billed.
My elderly neighbor knocked on my door yesterday and I had been avoiding answering it lately because he’s just generally mean and grumpy and every visit it a complaint about my yard. He had a bag of veggies from his garden and he told me thanks for cutting down a tree recently and also that he’s been in therapy for the past 2 years and recently made a lot of progress and he’s not as mean anymore so if I ever need help with something to not be afraid to say hello or ask him for a hand. All I could do was laugh at his sudden self awareness and at his wife standing a few steps behind him slowly nodding. A therapist can help anyone, even just a grumpy old man.
This is just beautiful. As someone who just turned 40, I feel like I’m at the start of midlife and it’s already been way juicier and more interesting and harder than I was expecting. If anyone has advice for how to navigate exiting an unhealthy friendship at midlife, I’d sure love to hear it. I feel like a middle schooler about it – that is to say… pretty wobbly!
Oh my gosh, letting go of unhealthy friendships is my specialty – for some reason, it seems to be my karma to attract women who cannot be equals, they need to either be alpha OR beta – anything other than on equal terms. It is so maddening, not to mention disheartening. I just let them go. If they keep initiating contact after you’ve begun to give them space, you have to prioritize your time and attention and let them know that it’s just not working and tell them you think your friendship is no longer working. I always make sure to explain that I truly appreciated our time together and offer a few positive comments and then leave it at that. Usually, in my case, they try to shame me for not accommodating them or whatever, but I know from experience they just want to leave with the upper hand. I am deeply emotionally responsible to myself and others as much as I possibly can be and it takes a lot for me to let go of a friendship. But I have learned to be my own safekeeper. I have simply had enough of people who need to dominate to feel whole, and that empowers me. You can do it. Do not accept less than people who care about you and your feelings and are capable of responding to conversation about it in a healthy way.
I’m sixty-seven, so I guess more senior than midlife. My life’s mantra has been “expect the unexcpected” which can mean either good or bad … and I’ve experienced both. But I like the thought that something really great is possible each day.
Yes! I’m 38 and I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I heard this statement recently that seemed perfect for this midlife tension the author describes—“there are no perfect decisions only tradeoffs.”
That really is perfect- and so true.
I can’t stop thinking about this post and how much it reflects how I’ve been feeling these last 4-5 years … Beautiful writing and thank you.
My ortho doctor at my 1-yr-banged-up knee follow-up…you are 53, you have 7 summers left before you turn 60. Make them count. I laughed, and cried and took the crazy trip I was worrying about !!
“Life is always turning out to be both better and worse than you’d expected.” – Have loved this similar thought from a Wendell Berry novel. Thank you Abigail for reflecting vulnerably like this!
This is PROFOUND! I enjoy other people’s writing so much as they put into words what I’m experiencing but can’t quite express
AGREED. I’m sitting here awestruck at this.
I read a book recently, written by someone I know from growing up in the Chicago suburbs, called The Lost Voice. The author Greta Morgan is a singer who develops a rare medical condition that leaves her in her mid thirties without her voice. She cannot sing, make art, continue her career and the book is about her grappling with this. At one point Greta talks about who she thought she would be when she was young, describes the “future flawless self” she concocted when she was young. I think about this phrase a lot. More than I would like, I get sad that my life isn’t exactly as I had concocted but then I remember I was just dreaming about the “future flawless self”. That person and life I imagined wasn’t real, I never dreamed of complications or flaws or the messiness that comes with reality. I still struggle to grapple with this (I am mid life!) but naming it the “future flawless self” has helped put it in perspective.
Thank you for sharing!! I needed to hear this today. <3
A harrowing truth I hadn’t realized is the average lifespan in America is 78, which means “midlife” is ~39 years of age. So much earlier than I had always pictured.
The life expectancy for women in 2023 was 81. The 3 year drop is an unfortunate factor of Covid19 and opiod overdoses. I suspect our current healthcare crisis is not going to be any help either but the good news is that for many women, the average lifespan is expected to rise to around 83 in about 5 years. Let’s keep our fingers crossed!
Yep. My dad died at 70 when I was 35, so that math prompted that same realization and the start of an early ish midlife crisis.
Great piece and all the comments I would have completely resonated with a year ago. My husband had just made partner at one of the largest accounting firms – we were going to have financial stability, be able to travel more as a family (we lived in Spain with our boys for two years so this was a top priority) and most importantly ensure our youngest who has Down syndrome would have all the resources and support he needs throughout his life. All good things that we had worked for for 17 years. The one night in the ER last July a scan revealed my husband has Stage IV colorectal cancer. He will probably not make it to his 45th bday. I just wish people understood how incredibly lucky they are to have their health and to be even thinking/planning their next moves. I’m not trying to shame anyone or make them feel bad for their problems, I just wish more people understood what a gift it is to be here and to be worrying about “normal” everyday things. I grieve the old me who was completely unaware that life can change in a second, that my world could shatter and I have no control. While I don’t want anyone to experience this, I just wish more people knew what a gift it is to be here. When I hear people whining about getting older now, I would give anything to see my husband as an old man covered in wrinkles, what an incredible thing to experience.
Emily, that sounds so, so, SO hard. You’re right, aging is a GIFT, and we are so quick to focus on its downsides. Thinking of your sweet family during this awful time.
What a beautiful perspective. I am so sorry you are going through these challenges! I wish I could make it better. xoxo
Thank you for sharing, Emily. I hear you.
I’m so sorry, Emily. This sounds so incredibly hard. I read once that when we are healthy, we have millions of problems. But when we are sick, we only have one. Your comment made me realize how fleeting everything can be. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you have the support you need to get through this.
My heart is with you, Emily.
Emily, I am so sorry you and your family are experiencing this devastation. I am sending you so much love, and grace, and peace. While these invisible things won’t begin to ease your pain, hopefully they can give you even just a moment of warmth knowing someone you have never met, is holding your struggle in my hand for a moment so you can set it down and pick your head up and look around as you remind yourself what a wonderful job you are doing loving your family as you navigate this impossible time. All my love, Lauren
He should consider medical tourism for treatment. My tech neighbor had stage 4 lung cancer at age 28 and his Indian tech friends told him to fly to India for treatment at one of their hospitals that specialize in cancer treatment. He spent one month in the hospital there and returned cancer free. It cost him $10k total for the entire month of treatment. This was in 2009.
Emily, I’m so sorry. None of this is fair, and yet I can tell you are moving through it all with grace and love and tenderness. Sending you every comfort in the world. With love, Andrea
So deeply sorry and thank you for posting. Wishing you support and peace.
Oh, Emily. My partner received his cancer diagnosis two years ago. Your thoughts here are much more graceful than mine. Mostly I can’t believe that I’m not running down the streets like a madwoman shrieking “it’s not fair” in people’s faces. Sending so much love to you and your husband and family. <3
I’m in the midst of an on-again, off-again house hunt and find myself stuck in the middle between a house I like and can afford in a community that is three hours away, and a community I’ve built in the neighbourhood I’ve lived in for 11 years, where I’ll never be able to buy a house (unless a winning lottery ticket magically appears). I crave a backyard where my daughter can play, a house where we’ve got enough room for all of our things plus an overnight guest, and a neighbourhood where we won’t have a condo building under construction across the street. But what about our friends here? It’s not easy!
This is wonderful. I remember reading once of Cup of Jo, “more than one thing can be true at once”. I return to this all the time and repeated it to others. Recently my counsellor said in response to a worry I had in returning to work offer being on leave, “it will probably be ok!”. I love that too. I found this essay today to be really helpful and clarifying. Thank you for it
We call this the “two truths” rule in our house. My 5 yo is starting kindergarten next week and is very excited, but she’s also so sad to be leaving her cherished daycare of 4 years and we’ve spoken at length about how both of these things are true, they don’t negate each other or even need to confuse each other we can simply hold them both in our hearts as truths. She keeps telling me ‘mama they are both true’
Riddle me this, Cup of Jo friends – when it can’t be an “and”- location or career? We are at a fork in the road and one would keep us in a place we love and one could launch my second act career with a great firm but in a location we aren’t that excited about. The potential to land a job where we are is possible, but the firms are less thrilling. I know all will be okay either way, but if there is any sage advice on this I would welcome it whole heartedly!
The place you love will always be there and you can always go back (or visit). The career option perhaps won’t be there in the future and can only be taken advantage of now …
My brother gave me this sane advice: whatever you choose, you just make it work! Good luck!!
With the caveat that I haven’t read it, I once saw a book titled: “Work Won’t Love You Back.” I’ve thought about that a LOT last year as the career I built for 15 years came to a screeching halt (thanks, DOGE/RFK Jr). All to say, I firmly believe that community – which is so grounded in location – is what sustains us when so many other things crumble. You said you love where you live, which is such a beautiful emotional place to be. A very tough decision, and one where you truly can’t go wrong-both are great options, but if a decision has to be made: I would keep blooming where you’re planted.
I’m not saying it’s right for all situations but I often think about this Cup of Jo classic for hard decisions – choose the bigger life :)
My husband and I moved to a place that seemed like a good idea at the time. When we moved here it was a SLOG. Our new place was different in a way we didn’t expect and we found ourselves yearning for our old home. Over time though we’ve come to really really love our house, we’ve made a couple of friends, and my husband has found a job he likes. All this to say that a new place may not be what you’re wanting, but it may end up being a good place to be. And you might even come to call it home in a way you weren’t expecting.
The best advice I have received is to decide on your values as a family, then use those as a prism to make decisions. This means you might have to say ‘X is less important for me’ it may be your value alignment is investing in a long term community, it may be the value is satisfaction in your career. But it will only feel right if it aligns with your values.
Ah, the other fact of midlife–trade-offs! Seriously though, I agree with Fay. A location/community you love are hard to come by; community takes years to build, and both affect your day-to-day, 24/7 life. Work can obviously bring a lot of fulfillment but to only one aspect of your life. I would stick to the location you love, but I also agree with Anen–once you pick something, you can make it work! And also, neither of those choices are irreversible!
I don’t think there’s one right answer, and the right answer for me would differ between life seasons. Right now I’m leaning into community and ease by living in a place where we’re comfortable, even though the career opportunities aren’t as abundant. But I’m in my mid-30s, have a young child, and have a remote job that I enjoy and find fulfilling. In my 20s and before kids, I was much more likely to move for career opportunities. In my field, you sort of have to. I will say that the place I live now, which I moved to for work, was not a place that looked exciting on paper. But I’ve built a strong community here and enjoy the town I live in, though of course there are also things I don’t love about it. So I would try to get concrete about what you care about in this season of life. Then think about what each opportunity offers you, as well as what it costs you – some costs are more important than others. I wouldn’t give up my community for work right now, but that’s my season. Yours might be different.
I’m a “give it a shot” gal. Figure out how you can have a turn at the new place without destroying the option to return. You might surprise yourself. And most crappy places have an enclave of likeminded people to immerse yourself in. Worst case, you tried it and know for sure.
An old boss of mine said the balance we’re trying to strike is a job that supports the life we want and not the other way around. Good luck with your choice.
When we faced a move to a place we were ambivalent about, but would be a great move for my husband’s career, my oldest daughter (14 at the time) reminded me that no matter where we ended up, we would be together, and that was all that mattered. It made all the difference for me and allowed me to make decisions I was putting off. The year after we moved was really hard on our whole family, but we relied on each other in a way we’d never needed to before and we are stronger and closer for it. Whatever you choose, remember to rely on the people you love to get you through the hard parts. Good luck!
Take the opportunity. Take the risk of the move, the new job, and the new community. You’ll make it work for you and it’ll make you stretch. I’m retired and I’m determined to learn to say “yes” to every new opportunity!
Is the money worth the upheaval? Moves are expensive, both in dollars and risk. A fat paycheck can offset the costs. But if it’s not a big financial upgrade, you might be overvaluing your initial excitement for something new (a second act!) while undervaluing the reality that most jobs are just “okay” – especially after the sheen wears off.
This is so tough. I will throw in maybe the opposite of some others – a miserable job can lead to a miserable life. Not that it would be your experience, but we spend so much time at our jobs that they definitely can impact our quality of life.
In the novel that I am reading (Playground… would reccommend) a character points out that the “toughest” decisions are really the easiest ones. If it is really hard to choose between 2 options it is because they both bring an approximately equal amounts of pros / cons. Therefore, it doesn’t actually matter which one you choose. I would take the new career and make plans to come back and visit often.
When we were fresh out of college and had never left lived anywhere but our hometown, we moved to a small town about nine hours away. We knew for years we wanted to leave our hometown, but needed jobs to pay for life etc. While we had a great adventure, and it lead us to many other amazing and wonderful places, I know neither one of us will ever forget how much pressure my wife felt to make the job work because we had moved there for said job. She tried so hard to find fulfillment from it even when it was downright miserable, and just charge full steam ahead, until one day three years later we were both like, duh, we had this experience and now we can move on knowing we did all we could with this first step away from home. While you are in a much different phase of life, and adventures are all the things: fun, amazing, unpredictable, hard, exhausting… I just want to pause and put out there that if you can, sit with the idea of how much, if any, pressure you will feel, to make the job you changed up the rest of your life for, to work out really well. Wishing you the very best whatever you decide, and if you go for it amazing! If you commit to the change, go full force and let yourself know you left no stone unturned in making the most of your family/work adventure! If you stay in the place you love, I hope everything that you enjoy about the area sparkles extra bright for you in the months after you’ve decided to stay. Rooting for you!
So many great pieces of advice from everyone and of course, the right decision can only make sense to you and you family. How does it look 10-15 years down the line? Will the financial stability give you more opportunities for future decisions like college tuition, retirement, family trips or even moving back when the kids are out of the house (that seriously comes so much faster than it feels like it will!). Best of luck to you at this juncture.
I read something years ago that has been such a guide: “Career questions aren’t about ‘ what do I like to do most?’ They are questions about ‘what do I want my life to look like?'” This has been a compass for me that hasn’t led me astray.
I really enjoyed this post and it makes me think of what the world is like right now on a bigger and smaller scale. This notion of the both/and, the tension of light and dark, things can be many things all at once. The world is at once a dumpster fire of right-wing politicians, environmental degradation, war, genocide. Yes. It’s also big and small love, noticing the divinity and beauty in the things all around us. The unbridled joy and presence of a dog. There are for sure ways my life has turned out differently and at 47 I’m sure I could tell little Jennifer about all the crazy ways life has zigged when I thought it would zag and how ALSO, those zigs have turned out really really well. It’s all a both/and.
what a beautiful comment. thank you
If only all the fundamentalists out there could learn this! That two things can be true at once, even if they are opposing, and that it is OK to love what is. It’s just more to love.
Lol but then they literally wouldn’t be fundamentalists
I love this post. I just started reading The Second Mountain by David Brooks which has helped a lot. I feel I hold a real tension between the hurly burly of every day with two kids, and the ways I would like to contribute more broadly and have a career that aligns with my values. It is comforting to know that maybe the secret is the quest. Onwards to all of us! Or as my husband says, if you’re thinking about being a better person, you’re doing more than others.
Abby! I love your writing. Thank you for this today. I needed it.
I think the crux of the matter could be that when you hit the late 30s, early 40s, it dawns upon you that actually, life just goes on happening. The plans and dreams you had when young may well not have happened but probably because you made the choices along the way that changed that. And, anyway, you were young. If I still wanted what I wanted when I was in my 20s…and life is not something you can plan out precisely. Learning to live with unpredictability is probably the best we can aim for. Everything else is a plus.
Abigail, it’s uncanny how your words and sharing your therapist’s words seemed to come at exactly the right time for so many of us! Today I was contemplating all these things–texting with my two college roommates who both dropped off their youngest son at college last week … and thinking back to our college days and twenties, where we had all those ideas and hopes for our lives, none of which extended beyond age 40 (meaning we didn’t have hopes for “oh, when I’m in menopause, I want to do THIS!” or “When I’m an empty nester, I dream of THIS!”, right?!). Anyway, sort of that melancholy of things being ahead of us then, all unsoiled and dream-y, and behind us now, all lived in all that that means. Anyway. I was looking for something to sort of guide me through those contemplations (which happen more and more often)–THIS is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for sharing so honestly and beautifully. And Joanna, you are a rock star and a huge light in this world, every single day–we are all so grateful for you.
This essay is beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear today. My husband and I are in the midst of a battle with infertility and I have been struggling so much lately with the feeling of not being where I hoped to be at this point in my life. And yet, I feel guilty for feeling that way when I am SO grateful for so many other aspects of my life… especially in the face of so many difficult things happening around the world right now. Thank you for the reminder that making space for both is not only okay, but important.
Sending you and your husband so much light and lots of love, Bea. Infertility is grinding, daily, isolating and very hard to put into words. Pulling for you as you hold so many things in your hands at once🩵
I was just telling my10 year old daughter that being human is tricky because opposite things are often true at the same time. (She’s feeling both scared and excited for puberty to hit…). Trying to teach my kids (and re-learn myself) that nothing is really black or white, right or wrong, true or false – our worlds are made up of infinite shades. Being human is wild.
This is absolutely beautiful!
My mum is 80, and battling cancer… and I am 52, and also in crappy health. We have the best conversations about how much our ageing bodies screw us over…. even though this conversation should be depressing, it is also funny. eg me “And it is like I woke up and my deck was wobbly like a goose” mum:”I remember that”. Honestly we have never gotten along so well. Some people age well but when you live with chronic health conditions that’s not always the case… these conversations with my mum where noone says we should feel gratitude or look for glimmers are awesome. And whilst her words tell me there are hard times ahead, her laugh tells me it is worth it every time. My mum attempted suicide when she was going through midlife, and the thing is, she’s glad she failed. Even a life with a body that’s not perfect is still a wonder and deserving of love, being loved and giving love.
So glad your mum is still with you as you both grow older. And yes, it can be so valuable to have someone listen without trying to force a positive angle on you. Listening and validating can help people find their own happier outlooks!
This absolutely hit home for me. Midlife feels like such a paradox. So much freedom in no longer caring about things that used to weigh heavily on me, but also the deep intensity of caring about what really matters. I love being around my family, and they drive me nuts. I love my young adults, even as it’s scary (and baffling) to watch them flounder and make choices that I wouldn’t. I recognize so much of what you describe. Holding the healthy tension of opposites…the joy and the disappointment, the hope and fear, the love and frustration, freedom and responsibility. It’s what feels real in midlife.
I so appreciate this post and the comments. Being close to 50, is it just me or did our parents generation under share??? I mean, good for them for never complaining. It’s nice to commiserate with friends, acquaintances, and anyone in the same boat, on all the things about middle age that have taken me by surprise!
I went out to dinner a few months ago with three other women (we are all between 50-52, so our mums between 70-84), and maybe it was a coincidence but three of us had mothers who suicided or attempt suicide in their fifties – I don’t think the struggle is new, we just talk about it now.
I agree with this so much. I keep wondering, did our parents just not *ponder* about life as much as we do? Did they just slog on and not have existential thoughts? I’ve wondered as well!
I’m in my late 40s and my parents didn’t under-share. They pondered. They went to therapy. They struggled in their marriage and with their professional choices — my dad changed careers when he was in his late 30s, and I know it wasn’t easy for him, and I even know some of the specifics of why. My mom talked about some of her midlife regrets with my sister and me; she had finished college but not continued to get the teaching credential she planned on. I’m glad they were transparent about those experiences but I am not sure it makes my own midlife struggles easier. I have actually avoided some of the troubles they struggled with, but I’ve made plenty of mistakes of my own and have my own landscape of “things that didn’t turn out the way I hoped” that I have to live with.
Just speaking from my experience of the older generation… I think there was a lot of reliance on alcohol and drugs (but in more “socially acceptable” ways – if that makes sense.) It feels like so many of them numbed the pain and denied it, it seemed so normal growing up.
Just here to say I appreciate you so much, Abby!
Beautiful. This is a core idea of Carl Jung. So your therapist is a Jungian. Or has been influenced by Jungian ideas. I’m always happy to see these ideas being shared in an age when it feels like depth psychology has been eclipsed by neurobiology and cognitive therapy.
Interesting. Neurobiology and evidence-based therapies don’t ignore depth; they just frame it in ways that can be tested. Freud made up the majority of his supposed evidence, and Jung carried that forward in a more mystical, symbolic way. Jungian ideas have never really been backed up by research… which is a bit of a problem in this day and age, no?
Hi Sarah, Jung’s ideas are more philosophical insights like the one shared in this article. I’ll let you read the responses here and decide whether the fact that not everything can be subjected to measurement is a problem. I have no issue with neurobiology or CBT, but it’s the idea that they are the only valid approaches – as you seem to be saying? -that I find problematic.
Funny how these posts always come out right when you need to read them most! I often listen to that Carol King song ‘bitter sweet’, which feels both sad and hopefully :)
Thank you!
“For most of us, that means there’s plenty we are happy with, and plenty that we are shocked or disappointed by.” Could not agree more. At forty, I am blessed to have two beautiful little girls. One has a rare neurogenetic syndrome, and seeing her struggles breaks my heart in big and small ways every single day. I also love her endlessly and can’t imagine a life without her and her unbridled joy. So it’s both, all the time.
Oooooo, I feel this and thank you for sharing it. I never thought I was going to be able to be a mom but got pregnant twice after 40. I have two charming little boys (although I would have loved a third). One of my boys has a rare neurogenetic disorder and a growth deficiency for which he receives weekly growth hormone shots. I watch him stumble and fall for no reason and shy away from playground equipment that is too daunting for him. I have to constantly answer inquirers that he is indeed in first grade, and, nope, not in TK. He is small but mighty and comes from sturdy stock! I cannot imagine him not being my son.
💕
“So it’s both, all of the time”. So beautiful x
this post made my heart feel lighter on a day when this mid life stuff seemed to be weighing heavily on me. thank you x
This 💕
it’s all uphill/downhill from here! <3
Haha, my new motto.
Oooofffff this is so spot on. I randomly found a pic of myself from 10 years ago. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the kindest to myself back then. And now I look at that picture and think, “God, look at that baby faced mama.” As I age, I want to really lean into holding myself in that glowing light of kindness as I navigate some crazy storms out in this sea of midlife. As I cut out alcohol and move my body more, I have found that I’ve built more safe spots for me to rest my tired bones. Is it possible to rest when my world feels like a giant storm? Yes. Does it suck to feel like midlife is a giant storm? Yes. Will I get through it with joy and in community? Yes.
Love this!! Might even call it life changing.
This hits hard, in the best possible way. Thank you, Abigail.
I have another word for it: coexistence. Not one OR the other, but both have space. The other thing I found it helps is to sum up anything as: It’s very simple.
Thank you for these wise words, Abigail! I cannot tell you how much I relate to this — I’m a writer, wife, mother, native New Yorker who lives in L.A. –and how much I needed to hear this today.
i havent seen my husband in 2 months, i am SO EXCITED and SO NOT EXCITED to spend 2 weeks with him, before he travels for work again and I would be SO RELIEVED and SO NOT if he got a job that didn’t require this.
could not understand this more. xo
Oh my gosh — can we have a feature about adult, settled, long-distance or on-and-off relationships? Like, marriages or long term partnerships in which folks aren’t cohabitating all the time, or together all the time? We just became long distance and I feel so much weird shame, even while enjoying my space… definitely a BOTH situation.
My friend and her husband have had two houses, basically around the corner from one another, for years and they love it. His and Hers, like towels, without the monogramming!
A couple I knew growing up eventually moved into separate houses in different states! Apparently it was the best thing that ever happened to their marriage. ALSO THE MOM WAS A FORMER PLAYBOY BUNNY (waaaay back when that was a pretty PG thing) but since she was an older lady in my childhood Mormon congregation I was FASCINATED by her and her husband!
My manicurist just told me that she’s only been married a year (at age 48) and that she and her husband each live and work in different towns during the work week but live together on weekends. He is a doctor in a major city and she works in a small town about an hour away, where I live. I thought that was so sensible and a bit radical! Older couples who come together already have built their lives and can’t necessarily easily uproot themselves just to sleep under the same roof. And there’s no need to!
I’m dating a much younger guy and from the outset we’ve both known it wasn’t gonna be a forever thing. And it’s been really eye opening to see how hard it is for other people to accept that reality. They always say, “you never know. It could be forever.” But I do know, and it won’t, and that’s ok. Of course I’ll be very sad when it ends, but not enough to have said no to this relationship. Many people are in “forever” relationships and they are miserable. Knowing my relationship will eventually end helps me to be present and deeply value the time we do get. Here’s to recognizing there are many ways for people to live and love.
This comment made me think of this Andrea Gibson poem I recently read which so perfectly captures all those dialectics of long-term love! https://ohandreagibson.tumblr.com/lovepoem
I enjoy how much this resonated with y’all. Anna we lived apart for work when we were first married and since then in 12 years of marriage and 2 kids we’ve lived full time in one place maybe half the time. Which is crazy but no surprise when I look at our work. Personally I enjoy this situation however with the kids being young on balance it would be better if he were with us full time. But we agree that our “post kids” era will include significant time in different cities (he hates my hometown, I hate his hometown) as well as together. If we can afford it! And yes, he’s a big personality and a hetero man and he takes up a lot of space and we laugh a lot and work together well and tbh the best way for me to be married to this person (and maybe most people) is to not be together every day and night Probably also I wouldn’t get married again(to anyone)! And it’s also okay.
Ohhh this is me. My husband travels for work every week (Mon-Thurs most weeks) and I have alllll the feels about it. I’m partly resentful that by default I do most of the childcare (we have 2 kids, both under 5 – its tough), that he gets a break, etc – but I also love my nights of not worrying about eating a real meal for dinner/watching whatever I want on tv, not having to share a bed, etc. I genuinely do not know if i would prefer him home 24/7, as much as I love him. It’s really nice to “live alone” sometimes (at least after the kids are in bed!) I think a lot of people in my life feel bad for me and my situation but truly it works for us and I….don’t hate it! And once you get used to it, you realize how capable you are on your own. I am with my husband because we love each other – not because we NEED each other , and it shows me that if things were not to work out, I would be 100% fine on my own. So no matter how the future ends up, all the various possibilities don’t seem so scary. It’s a bit liberating.
I’m definitely someone who needs a lot of space and alone time within a marriage. It’s a huge challenge for me. I want to stay married but I want a lot of time to myself. It’s a tough one.
Oh, Abigail. I am here to tell you that the “tension of opposites” just gets more pronounced with age. At 78 I spend most days suspended betwixt and between. I’m never going to get to Ibiza, by that is really not a trip I want to take anymore. As a history major specializing in Renaissance, Reformation, and Counter-Reformation, I watched The Armada and realized that everything I thought I knew about the Spanish Armada was wrong. But I am so glad I didn’t die without learning what really happened. My husband is dying but I can accept that and enjoy all the days we have left. Do hang on to this mantra…it makes all the difference in the world.
oh, libbynan, your comment is worth its weight in gold. thank you so much. sending love to you and your husband.
Libbynan, sending you a hug and warm thoughts – your comments are always wise, kind, honest, and just very human! I’ll rewrite your mantra slightly: “I can accept xyz and enjoy today and the days to come”. Thank you 🩷
Libbynan, thank you for your wise comment. I wish you and your husband all possible joy, peace, happiness, tranquility and other vibrant emotions. May you be surrounded by loving, supportive community, family, friends, and medical professionals…and internet strangers, and COJ readers.
Libbynan, I don’t know you at all but I feel that you are one of the CupofJo “regulars” and therefore something only a couple of steps removed from a friend. Like Emma said, your comments are always so warm and lovely. Thinking of you and your husband, and wishing you both as much love and peace as possible in the days ahead.
Libbynan, Thinking of you and your husband and your community in this liminal time. There’s a book I want to read called “Life Is in the Transitions,” and what you shared made me think of that.
I place solid on life experiences channeling the script every decade. I welcome winds of change.
It will for sure go up AND down from here because isn’t that just life? Midlife makes that clearer everyday.
wise words xoxo
@Sara! Agreed! And, gee, I don’t mean to pooh-pooh people’s feelings or be insensitive, but life is hard. That’s just the way it is. A wonderful life of all that you hoped for (or read in books/watched in movies) is not assured to pave itself in front of you to match your dreams in your teens & 20s. No one is owed anything. As a kid of the 80s, watching John Hughes’ movies (which I still adore) and fun sitcoms (Family Ties!), I remember hoping my life would ultimately mirror those warm relationships and journey to success I saw portrayed. Really, I am just tremendously grateful everyday for what I have in my life (and that I’m alive!) and don’t spend mental energy juxtaposing it against the script I would’ve written at 21.
1234567890 Whenever someone says I don’t mean to do X, it might be a sign you probably are doing just that … Because two things can be true, as many a therapist has said — you can be both grateful for your life AND sometimes spend mental energy thinking about the life you might have lived or dreams that didn’t come true. And yes, we’re not owed anything in life & life is hard … but we can be sensitive to others’ feelings.