The F Word
“Do you know the T word, Mommy?” My son asked.
We were standing in the lobby of our apartment building in the early morning light. I sighed, silently praying for his school bus to hurry up and careen around the corner to put an end to the conversation.
“Do you know that one, Mommy?”
“Nope.” I yawned. “What’s the T word?”
Our lobby door swung open, and a neighbor squeezed past us with his poodle.
“Twat!” My son shouted proudly.
The neighbor frowned, while the poodle gave a small ruff! Perhaps of disapproval. All I knew was that I was trying to suppress my own bark of laughter.
“What about the Z word, Mommy? Do you know that one?”
I breathed a sigh of relief as his school bus finally lurched to a stop outside, not wanting to even guess what the Z word might be.
My kid is currently fascinated by curse words. He is 12, what I recall as being the Dawn of the Great Curse Word Awakening. I, too, had been fascinated by “bad words” at his age and have vivid memories of strutting through the mall with my friends, launching F bombs next to the Bath & Body Works bath bombs. (Holy sh*t, that Waikiki Beach Coconut smelled f*cking good!)
So, I know his interest in profanity is all quite typical behavior. However, my son is not neurotypical — he has autism, which adds another layer of parental navigation to the problem. Is he simply exploring language? Examining emotions? Or just being a dumpster-mouthed child? It’s hard to know, and my husband and I are struggling with how to deal with it. We know we don’t want to respond the way our parents did, where the utterance of a cuss was on par with purposely putting your boot through the TV screen. Expletives were an outrage in our Catholic homes, not to be tolerated. I can recall one time as a teenager, coming downstairs to find my mother standing sternly over my youngest brother, Gregg. He was about nine and sat at the table with a tear-streaked face. I asked what had happened, and my mom thrust a tiny scrap of paper at me.
“A teacher found this on the playground! Your brother had shoved it through a hole in the fence! Can you believe it?”
I peered down at the paper. My brother’s carefully formed consonants and vowels read: “Gregg Gohmann. Fuck.”
Upon reading it, I had to work very hard to arrange my facial features into something equally outraged, and not let them fall into hysterical laughter, which of course is what my face wanted to do.
Could I believe it? I most certainly could.
To be fair, I get why my parents took such a hard line on cursing. Not only were they religious, but they were raising eight very loud and rambunctious children, and I’m sure they felt like if they didn’t draw a line in the sand our home would sound like a convention of sailors. I don’t blame them for not wanting dinnertime to sound like Fleet Week. And yet, I also saw how their approach completely backfired.
These days, I can control my cursing with ease, turning it on and off like a (filthy) mental spigot. I have never accidentally uttered a swear word in front of my mother. Not even the time I saw my older brother concuss his head on a low ceiling while dancing to The Pointer Sisters. (Yes, the song was “Jump.”) And other than when I bang my kneecaps on our bedframe or hear the latest from the White House, I strive not to curse in front of my son. My husband would no doubt arch an eyebrow at this description of my wholesome vocabulary, but he isn’t exactly Mr. Rogers himself. The only difference is he’s from Northern Ireland, so his swearing sounds less like a cuss and more like he’s angrily quoting Yeats. Plus, even when I do “slip,” my son immediately calls me on it, and I am quick to apologize, treating it as a sort of verbal flatulence. I offer a polite, “Oh, excuse me!”
But it matters not. Our kid is now in adolescence, and just like me at that age, he seems to be experimenting with sounding like he is long-hauling a semi across Ohio. So far, our response has been to calmly remind him that cursing is impolite and offensive to some. To which he then responds by releasing a string of expletives, pausing after each one to inquire about its precise level of offensiveness.
I do think that for my son, a large part of his interest is in why words elicit the response that they do. With autism, so much of his daily experience is about parsing out reactions — all the whys and what fors of the human emotional spectrum. Discouraging this can feel complicated, even when we know it’s necessary for engaging with polite society.
He also just genuinely enjoys words — the more unusual the better — which is something I am grateful for. When he was very small, he struggled to learn to speak. With the help of speech therapy, the words finally came, and every bit of babble felt like a precious little gemstone in my pocket. Combine all of this with the fact that I am a writer who is also fascinated by the quiet sorcery of well-chosen words, and my reaction to his cursing could be described as unruffled at best, negligent at worst. One thing is certain, my attempt to take a “isn’t language fascinating!” approach and not recreate the raining hellfire fears of my youth — yeah, that isn’t really working. For it’s a bit hard to frame him yelling “shit!” next to the CVS nurse giving him his flu shot as a mere fondness for the miracle of communication.
That said, there are studies showing that cursing actually helps with pain tolerance. Furthermore, there are studies (I am very fond of citing studies when I feel like I’m whiffing it as a parent) that show that cursing can be a sign of integrity and honesty. So there, assholes!
Psychologist Timothy Jay is an “expert in swearing” (join the club, Tim), and he believes there are many upsides to cursing. “A lot of times you don’t get to the argument about the positive uses of these [words],” he said in an interview on children and profanity. “Their use in humor, their use in bonding, their use as a relief from pain or venting or frustration — I look at this as an evolutionary advantage.”
How about that! “Shithead” as evolutionary advantage!
Though in the very same article, Dr. Jay reminds us that it’s the parents’ job to teach their child the nuance and etiquette of language. Which, of course, is true. But let’s be real, sometimes that job can feel like putting a sweater on a cat while drunk and underwater. It’s tricky!
As with many things with our son, it will likely just take some thinking outside the box and some time to grow up. And really, if I am fully honest, I must admit that part of me feels a tiny twinge of happiness that he has reached this “milestone” of sorts. Parents of children with disabilities tend to delight in every step of development, both the good and the garbage.
The other night, while I watched my son quietly text his friend “dammit,” I spied his mischievous smile, and found myself thinking of my youngest brother and him pushing that paper through the fence all those years ago. While the nun who discovered it may have declared it profane, really, what that little scrap was, was a mini, one-word declaration of independence. Just as I think cursing can be for many kids. Their little way of trying on power. Of seeing what a bit of rebellion feels like rolling around in their gap-toothed mouths. For the F word, in all its myriad meanings, can mean something entirely different to children: a bit of Freedom.
Johanna Gohmann lives in Brooklyn with her husband, son, and a betta fish named Bissell. Her writing has appeared in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and The Wall Street Journal, and she is the author of the forthcoming humor book, All Toddlers Are Scorpios: An Astrological Guide to Your Adorable Tiny Terror.
P.S. What it feels like to have autism.
(Photo by Kelly Knox/Stocksy.)
Tags: autism, disability, teenagers
Comments
111 commentsWait wait … what’s the Z word?? I LOVE new cuss words 😆 Hi fckin five, Mom — you’ve got a funny, smart, curious, and joyful boy there.
Johanna, this was funny, as that’s what you write, but also made my cry a little. My now 21 year old daughter with ASD discovered profanity way later than your son, but I was also thrilled. As a huge fan (thanks to your stalker and sometimes collaborator Wendi Aarons), this made me love you even more. Hi f*cking five dear lady.
Ah, thank you so much! I send a high f*cking five right back to you, and to your daughter! (But not to that utter loon Aarons) Thanks so much for this incredibly sweet message!
Towards the end of high school, my friend and I were slightly obsessed with the poetry of the Bard of Salford, John Cooper Clarke. We would watch videos of his performances, slip a line or two of his I to casual conversation, etc. Around the same time, her younger brother received a merit scholarship to a very fancy boarding school. In his first English class, the teacher asked him, as the new scholar, to recite a poem of his choice. I wish I’d been there to see the teacher’s face when this specially selected, academic high flyer recited John Cooper Clarke’s poem ‘Twat’ from memory…the poet’s own rendition is well worth looking up on YouTube if you don’t know it!
Brilliant! And now I must google…
Love this! Such a sweet take on those naughty words.
So glad you enjoyed!
I’m late to commenting because we were camping, but I read along and had a great conversation with another mom on our group camp about this! I wasn’t allowed to use this kind of language growing up and honestly, it wasn’t normalized so I didn’t learn it till adulthood and I’m not impressed by people who normalize it. In parenthood though we talk about “profanity” and “curse” words and I use those terms. The opposite of holy is profane. And we don’t curse people. Are we using our language carelessly (I sure do, but I don’t want to)? Are we using the words we know to hurt others or bring harmful energy to them? We can do that with all sorts of words. Our hearts and intentions are what need boundaries sometimes.
I don’t censor myself around my kids and we have “house words” that they’re welcome to say when it’s just us at home. You can’t swear *at* someone and “stupid” and “shut up” are totally off limits. I also don’t let my kids or myself be sarcastic in a cruel way to one another. Part of the reason I swear in front of them is to take the power and the mystery out of the words. I teach high school and the kids who swear a blue streak are the ones who think they’re being shocking and “bad”. My plan is that my kids’ response to swearing will be more along the lines of “omg you guys, my MOM says that, how cringe” 😂
this is such a good approach! will be trying with my toddler one day as i’m very unlikely to stop swearing, whatareyagonnado.
Yes, this 100%!!! I have been telling my children that I personally don’t care if they swear at home, I try not to generally just because my professional workplace wouldn’t find it appropriate and their teachers won’t be impressed either. So, maybe try not to get in the habit because you don’t want it to slip out at school and get in trouble there. BUT they are never allowed to say mean things, shut up or stupid, like you said! And they have to speak to adults respectfully. To me that is so much more important than certain words being off limits.
as a child my mother would swear and i could, but if anyone said “shut up” it was punishable for up to a week of grounding. um, ok? as a kindergarten teacher i hear about “bad words” all the time… like the “s word” (stupid).lord help us! i love vocabulary and we know it is the secret sauce to academic (and arguably, overall) intelligence, so i tend to lean toward honoring all the words. when my own children swear, if the word fits the situation, i let it go. however, if not, i will remind them that sometimes overuse, and sloppy swearing can actually make you lose your point and sound ignorant. in short, i stnd with be smart and don’t let it get that deep.
I love this beautiful writing!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you liked it! :)
This is so interesting, I am forever fascinated by that topic. I am German and cuss words – or more: the aura around them…? – are just not a big deal here? I spent my Junior year in the States and when our exchange program educated us beforehand, we had a full session about how cussing is a VERY BIG DEAL in US high schools and we should be very very careful about it. There are some cuss words that are ok in German and parents or teachers would use them too, and then, there are some that are considered really bad and vulgar, but you wouldn’t use them in every day life anyway, just to really insult someone, so they would never just slip out by accident. Funnily enough, if I hear someone speaking English and using the words “shit” or “fuck”, I notice it and am very aware of it and of the person choosing to use the words; while when I speak an hear German, I wouldn’t think twice about it, if someone would use the German equivalent to shit. It’s not considered a terrible/bad word, just a way to express frustration, and is barely noticeable if used. I am curious to hear what other Europeans think.
This! Born in Germany and went to elementary school there before moving with German parents to Canada – we all couldn’t believe the handwringing over swear words and nudity in North America. Now intentionally raising my own children with the European outlook which I find more pragmatic and suits our family – the difference is very real.
Hear me out: National Cuss Day. I have it set on my phone: once a year my elementary age kiddos get to walk into our bathroom and say whatever “cusses” they want for 60 seconds. It is both enlightening and hilarious to hear what is in their lexicon. They get it out of their system, there’s no stigma, and it lets me as the parent-in-ear-shot know what words are on their radar and what I can work into discussion over time.
No one in my extended Catholic family ever went further than “hell” or “damn” except for my Sicilian grandfather, who routinely shouted at the TV during football and baseball games when his family were gathered for Sunday dinner. I was about 3 when I decided to yell, “SONOM-ah BEECH-ah” during a game, too. I was told I couldn’t imitate him ever again, but nobody gave me a reason why. That must have been around 1963. The older I get, the more I embrace swearing, especially this year. I see that it started then.
This reminds me of a funny family story about my cousins. There are three of them, and when they were around 8-10 my aunt and uncle were hearing a lot more swear words being used. They decided their strategy would be to give them five whole minutes where they couldn’t do anything BUT swear or say bad words, thinking they could somehow purge themselves. Well folks, you can only imagine the stark shade of white my aunt’s face turned as she learned just how many bad words those kids knew at 8 years old, including the C word! Not only did it not work, but the kids found it hilarious. We still laugh about it today.
When my son was in kindergarten, he came up to me in the kitchen and asked, “Mom, do you know what BS means?” Must be the school bus! I thought. And I was about to launch into an explanation when instead I said, “Hmmm… what do you think it means?” He responded, “Best Student! I just made it up!” It was a good reminder to be curious and not assume I knew where he was coming from. :)
I love this lovely and fun piece of writing, what a romp. Not raised in a religious household. My parents both cursed. A lot. But not the F word. As a mom, I honestly don’t give a you know what. Just words. Words often with enthusiasm or emotion. We value both. I taught my girls to at least be creative. “What a fucking dick weasel” “Twat waffle cunt.” And that there are *in our home* words, that they indeed will get in trouble for using outside of our home. As adults, I’m proud of their drunken sailor mouths. Most importantly I taught them the difference between cursing, and cursing someone out. Fucking hell, this is a goddamn stinking hellhole of a fuck up. And “YOU ARE A FUCK WIT.” There’s a place for cursing someone out, absolutely, but let’s all agree it’s not the kind choice (might be the right choice however). Here’s something fun. Was hIking along a river once and came upon an absolute gift. Someone had written C U N T , in sharpie, on a rock. Did I take a picture, do I occasionally send as a clever meme, also as an actual insult? Do I say, don’t make me send the special rock? You know I do friends. It’s a treasure I hold dear. (I left the rock because I wanted others to get the same joy). I’ve often thought about opening an Etsy shop where i sell curse words on rocks, but can you imagine the fucking shipping?
This is how I was raised and I’ve NEVER in my life cursed someone out. I couldn’t even dream of it. But do I unleash a ‘motherfuckinggoddamitmotherfucker’ when I stub my toe? Of course!
I fucking love you. Now off to teach my girl some more creative phrases.
Dick weasel! Amazing, lol. Glad you enjoyed!
I also have a twelve year old autistic son and his current experimentation with curse words cracks me up. While we’ve talked about appropriate use of strong words, sometimes you have to laugh. For example, last week his 10 year old brother made him mad and he yelled, “I hope you sit on a f*ck!” Honestly I might steal that one.
I may steal it as well, lol. Thanks for reading!
My five year old declared one day “I know the S word!” She said … it means “Stupid!” Yes, the S word is totally Stupid! 😂
I grew up with similarly strict rules around swearing (I remember getting in trouble for playing the word “jerk” in scrabble!) and as a result developed silly replacements that have now become habitual (Mother goose! for the other mother word, shiitake mushrooms!) even though I have zero issues with swearing. So now I have kids running around yelling about geese and food 🤣
How our kid learned his first swear words was pretty funny. When he was around 20 months and in that explosion of words phase, one day I spilled my milk and an innocuous “oh shit” came out of my mouth. A couple of days later, he spilled his milk and a little innocuous “oh shit” came right out of his, because apparently that’s what one says when they spill milk. My husband teased me to no end for having taught him his first swear word. When our son was around three, he was trying to open a jar and he said “fuck”. I tried very hard not to crack up and to just be curious and asked him what he had just said. He repeated “fuck” as if it were the most natural thing in the world. I asked him (still managing not to crack up) why he was saying that and he responded that it was because the jar was hard to open and that’s what you say when things are difficult. I asked him who said that when things were hard and he nonchalantly said “Daddy”. Vindicated. Little sponges I tell you!
Love this article, how it’s a fun romp about discovering swear words and also putting some gentle light on raising neurodivergent kids. On the topic of kids with inappropriate moments – my two are currently obsessed with Scrabble, and the older ND kid really wants to achieve at least one true scrabble (using all letter tiles at once) per game. So little bro was SO proud when he produced HOOTERS. Like, describing owls that are hooting, of course. School just started and for his “About Me” presentation he wanted to display his Scrabble achievement. Had to message his 2nd grade teacher that the HOOTERS in all caps was about owls :-).
Omg I love this! Also solidarity from the mom of another ND kid who I can completely imagine setting this rule for himself in Scrabble… Admirable persistence even when it necessitates extra patience.
Ha! I love it. Glad you enjoyed!
Excellent article! Thank you All my life I’ve been told I swear too much. Being devalued like that is hurtful. A conflict of opinions on etiquette need not be you bad vs me good. There are people and places where I will not swear out of respect for their mind set. They just can’t take ground level vocabulary no matter the quality of the soil.
May, I would LOVE to hear you let one rip! I can tell from your last sentence it would tickle me so ;)
“And really, if I am fully honest, I must admit that part of me feels a tiny twinge of happiness that he has reached this “milestone” of sorts. Parents of children with disabilities tend to delight in every step of development, both the good and the garbage.” As the parent of a child with Angelman syndrome (which causes non-verbalism) I completely agree. If my daughter’s first word is a swear word I will be absolutely overjoyed. Any word is an achievement in our world.
I remember sitting in our Chrysler van in our driveway circa 1994 with my mom and working up the courage to ask her what the F word was. I remember her, exasperated by a day of driving 4 kids to various activities, looking at me weighing the options of what to say. She turned down the radio — 94.1KFKF, Kansas City’s best country (iykyk) — and said “Fine, but you can never say it. It rhymes with Duck.” My 5-year-old self was proud as punch and yelled FRUCK with my whole chest. She didn’t correct me. Ha!
I’ve always been a swearer. Since high school, probably, but definitely since university. I’m a writer, I have a bachelor’s and a postgraduate degree, and I love words. But I also love to swear! I thought I might try not to swear around my son, but I wasn’t successful with that. Instead, I taught him that there are some behaviours, including some words, that are fine to do or say with family, and others for granny or polite company. Just as you wouldn’t wear a baseball cap to a formal event, chew with your mouth open in public, so we don’t swear in front of teachers, etc. I taught him that there are ways of swearing that aren’t intended offensively. Saying, “sh1t!” when you hit your elbow is one thing, but calling someone, “you sh1thead!” is offensive and rude. He’s 10 now, and swears in the privacy of his head, the car, and our home, but not at school and not rudely. I’m good with that.
We live in Germany, where using English swear words, especially the F-bomb, is acceptable even in school. Swear words in the American pop music on the radio are not beeped out. I don’t mind in general, I am for free expression. I was raised with the phrase, “there is a time and a place” for swear words, and I try to pass this on to my kids. But how to do that, when I am raising them as kids who can navigate in US culture as well? It sure adds a level of complexity to tell an 8 year old: here it is the right time and place, but when we visit family it isn’t…
Haha I hadn’t thought of that aspect but I also live in a foreign (Spanish-speaking) country where the radio does not bleep swear words in American music. Every once in a while it really catches me off guard! I’m not sure my son notices though?
I died reading this. What a gifted writer. More of her voice, please!
Agreed!
Third this! Very relatable with my own neurodivergent kid and trying to navigate when to accommodate and when to curb behaviors to navigate social spaces. Further complicated by the fact that a strong negative reaction that might quell a neurotypical kid would probably be fuel to the fire! Would love to hear more of Johanna’s experiences.
Agreed! More of this, please. Each of our 3 kids is their own unique flavor of ND, and it often feels heavy and isolating parenting them in a world full of NT parenting advice.
Thank you SO much! This absolutely makes my day! So glad you enjoyed.
Johanna, what a god d*mn delight you are!!! What a fun piece with some great stories. I felt so seen while simultaneously spitting out my water with laughter at the bath and body works comment. Hahah. Thank you for writing this. :)
Well I can’t f*cking thank you enough for this kind message! So glad you enjoyed!
My son (8), has permission to swear with some rules. He’s allowed to swear at home, but knows he can’t swear at school, or around people who aren’t his immediate family or his little sister. And he knows there are a few words that are always off limits. The result is he basically never swears. The exercise actually encouraged me to look at my own cursing, too, and I swear a lot less after beginning to hear my little boy swear. It just sounds weird haha
the part about enjoying even this milestone really hit home. my son is also autistic and just this morning, on the way out of the house for an early class during his summer break, he grumpily snarled “I’m only going because you’re forcing me too!” as he walked out the door on his own two feet and you would have to know what we have been through in terms of school refusal meltdowns to understand how hilariously giddy that perfectly reasonable expression of discontent made me. oh and, he made it to the class.
Yep. :) Thank you for reading! And glad it resonated.
My son went through a phase of using “shit”, which he definitely learned from me, around 6 or 7 maybe. I just tried not to react as long as he was using it appropriately for the context (at home, directed at frustrating tasks and not at people, for example). He’s only 10 now so we’ll see what happens in the next few years. I used to swear a lot starting as a teenager but my husband doesn’t at all and I think I gradually (mostly) stopped due to his influence.
I enjoyed reading this so, so much. What a lovely and amusing piece of writing. I sent it to my dad immediately, and I can picture the precise moment when he’ll come apart. “Greg Gohmann. Fuck.”
Well I’m delighted it made you laugh, and hope it does your dad as well! Thank you!
When my son was almost 5 he loved to say the F word. It was a season where telling him not to do something meant he would triple down on that thing so I said “you can say that word once a day, but it can never be about a person and it’s only in our house” And he’s used the F bomb once a day almost every day for 4 months. Always in context, never about a person, always hilariously timed. Then he declares “THAT WAS MY ONE TIME” and I don’t hear it again for 24 hours. Stay tuned for the upcoming Kindergarten parent/teacher conference lol
The writing here is top notch. What a joy to read. I especially enjoyed the Yeats line.
Thank you so much!
I always swear a lot, and I mean A LOT and so does my husband ( sometimes ) but our daughter has never sworn . Maybe it’s because we never said that this is a bad thing to say and don’t use bad words . I think a lot of children tend to use these words because it is forbidden in many families.
Fellow swearer here. I agree with you. My son swears, not as often as me (he’s a young adult) and my daughter doesn’t.
Saaame! I swear a lot, but do try hard not to around the kids. My husband has more restraint but the kids definitely hear swear words. And for the most part they hate it! My 13 year old pulls out “Idiot” if he’s feeling particularly aggressive and I’m like “urm, ok, ah,wash your mouth out”. I mean,I’m glad but also i had kind of hoped at some point I could swear in front of them without remorse.
I didn’t grow up Catholic, but I remember the freak outs for even saying non-swear words too. I got a lecture one time for saying “freaking” because “you’re using it in place of the F word!!!!” And if I said oh my god it was the end of the WORLD. So ridiculous! My parents tried to get on my case about swearing/ saying oh my god a few years ago and I was like “I’m literally 30 and I DON’T CARE!!” lol. My SIL had a good idea with my nephew – she explained that words are meant for big emotions and that they’re for adults… but she put the toilet lid up, told him to say whatever swear words he wanted to say, and then they “flushed away” the bad words. So it gave him an outlet that will hopefully keep them from becoming super enticing because they’re forbidden.
This essay resonates with me so much. I have a young adult who is autistic, and when she was very young (toddler) she hardly spoke. Through years of intensive speech therapy, she has grown into a very curious, gregarious person. When she was around 5 or 6, still going to speech therapy, but also picking up words left and right, she was trying to put her little boots on and struggling mighty hard. Out of her mouth came “F-er! C’mon, get on my foot! Arg! F-er!” It was the most hilariously cute, and shockingly surprising things to hear our daughter utter in her pure frustration at trying to get her rain boots on. Had to fight hard to react. We thought we were so smart to use the euphemism “F-er” instead of the full word. But little did we know she had already picked up on the context in which it is best used in. Hahahhahahaha!!! We have navigated the world of curse words, she’s past her teens now, and she has learned that they’re used judiciously -and she’s even opted to not use them too casually- for which I’m grateful.
Love this. Glad the piece resonated, and thank you for writing!
I love this entire conversation. My just now 12 year old girl is very selective in the frustration words she uses, (not my doing, I’m probably the worst of us all, tho I do try). While watching the Enola Holmes movies, we all loved her use of the word nincompoop for people (who did of course deserve it). It’s become our go to, for a name to use when warranted, and serves that purpose really well, it’s fun to say, and rarely offends! It is a little harder to teach about judicious use of the F word when Gramma, Catholic, Southern genteel, sweet Gramma drops the F bomb at high volume during football season, with great frequency. Sigh.
My cousin’s kids are 10 years older than mine and I love her approach to swearing- no swearing until 13 and then kids get to figure out how to swear in appropriate ways. Parents can swear but you do have to keep it to a minimum until your kids are 6 or so and able to keep themselves from swearing. My daughter learned the f word when she was three on the school bus… thank you 6th graders! and she would regularly bust it out for a couple years. It was hilarious and also mortifying.
My father, a military combat veteran, freely cursed in front of us. Mom brought us to church every Sunday, so I knew how she felt about it. I was driving around with my Dad, sitting on the bench seat of his 80s red pick-up truck when I said something that included the word “hell”. I realized what I said about 2 beats after I said it and very calmly side-eyed him to see if he noticed. After what felt like FOREVER, he cleared his throat and said “Here’s the deal: I don’t care if you curse. Just don’t say the Lord’s name in vain and don’t curse in front of your mother.” I think I was about 8 years old and I happily took the deal. I too liked the freedom and, in hindsight, I respect that he framed it around some clear values.
“…pausing after each one to inquire about its precise level of offensiveness.” I too have a 12 year old autistic son and this kills me!!! My guy is more on the enforcement end of cursing and I am definitely a potty mouth, so I get a lot of, “*gasp* Language!”
When my daughter was about that age, she was tired of wondering what all “the ABC words” were about. So we sat down and went through the whole alphabet together and I told her all of them, with caveats for, say, the N word (this will NEVER come out of your mouth) to the F word (you’ve heard us all say this but some people find it very offensive so you have to be careful). She felt very adult, and was relieved that she wasn’t going to school and be embarrassed about not knowing what someone was referring to. Bonus: she would know if they were misinformed and could feel confident about it. One of my favorite parenting hours, in retrospect.
This is so great!!!!!! I WISH this is how my parents would have handled this! The wondering what everyone was talking about was so hard, and feeling like I couldn’t ask made me so embarrassed. Well done.
I kind of feel like if we don’t want our kids to swear so much we should have given them world that was a bit better…. eg I love those swifts, but it actually IS fucked that their numbers are falling because of our abuse of the environment. And I think giraffes are gorgeous too but is is REALLY FUCKED that in America I can buy a pillow case made from a giraffe, eyelashes in tact! seriously, they have a lot to swear about. Also my aunty told her kids (this is 1950s parenting) that swear words are just angry or strong words, and use them or not… but to be aware that people may judge them for it, eg some mums and dads won’t want you to hang out with their kid because they think swearing is what bad kids do. The power, and the freedom was given to her kid about how and when to swear and live with the consequences.
There’s pain management for injections that we should and can all be using!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I share this because it would’ve transformed my life with insulin-dependent gestational diabetes and would’ve reduced a ton of medical trauma for my 5 year old during vaccinations. Check out The Meg Foundation – this is palliative care focused on kids and their caregivers. It’s completely unnecessary for us to feel the pain of injections and really increases a bunch of stuff we don’t need in our psyches and physiologies at any age. TLDR using a Buzzy Bee handheld vibrating device and some lidocaine topical ointment can take injection pain from an 8 to a 1 or 2. Please please please check it out. https://www.megfoundationforpain.org/
I MUST know what the “z” word is!!
Yes! I scrolled back through the piece to see if I had missed it.
When my daughter was three she came running to me and says “Mom, there’s a live bug on the staircase. It scared the SHIT out of me!” And I was so shocked I had to laugh! My 8 year old son is also really loving pushing the limits with curse words. I remind them that they are adult words and there are times and places when they are inappropriate to use.
I always told my daughter that swearing is fine, it’s just words. But you do have to know the right context and situation. Swearing after stubbing your toe, fine. Swearing in front of your potty-mouth grandma, probably also fine. But Dad doesn’t like it, so maybe not then. And when she got written up in middle school for swearing in front of a teacher, I had to side with the teacher. They’re fun and sometimes very necessary!
This, times 2: “And really, if I am fully honest, I must admit that part of me feels a tiny twinge of happiness that he has reached this “milestone” of sorts. Parents of children with disabilities tend to delight in every step of development, both the good and the garbage.” My toddler just celebrated his one-year anniversary of his brain surgery. I emailed his doctors and told them how we thrill over every “normal” Terrible Twos tantrum.
Glad it resonated with you, and all my best to your sweet boy! Thank you for reading.
My then 4 year old daughter was eating her taco a bunch of the meat and beans fell out on the floor. Without missing a beat she looked at me and went “oh for f***’s sake”. And then politely asked if she could have more to replace the missing food.
When my 6 year old was sick and couldn’t stop throwing up, I offered her the small pleasure of saying “this sucks!” after each bout. After a long day of being sick, and throwing up yet again, I asked “do you want to say it?” And she looked me straight in the face and said “this is fucking bad.” Amen, sister. I try not to cuss around her, and especially not around other kids, and I appreciate the same courtesy from other adults. But, we can’t control the world.
When my son was young, maybe 5 or 6, he told me he knew the N word. I took a breath, getting ready for a weighty conversation. Before I could launch into a lesson, he revealed that the N word was, in fact, nincompoop.
Lol
When my daughter was learning to read we saw ‘f*** you’ graffiti at the playground. She carefully sounded it out and then turned to me and said, “Mama, those people don’t know how to spell ‘Thank You’!”
hahahah that’s so cute
I’m a middle school teacher, and parent to a now adult with autism. Yes, most of the time kids are looking for a reaction. At school, I calmly respond with “Lose the language”, or “Let’s be a bit more original” My son took on the “cop” duties with foul language…he had the autistic trait of pointing out others wrongs, which wasn’t too helpful in middle school. I’ve sat in parent teacher conferences where the parent cursed up a storm; it was just their normal way of communicating. I think it is important to teach kids there are times and places where swearing is not appropriate. And I get the feeling of joy when your nuero diverse kid did something “typical”. I giggled with the school counselor when my kid told me I was embarrassing him simply by telling him it was time to go!
I swear, and I am not offended by swearing or worried if my kids swear, BUT I am so tired of the constant use of the F word. For a recent example, I love The Bear, its characters, etc but for Pete’s sake, the dialogue was full of constant F bombs and while use of the F word is awesome for emphasis, I found it too much in the end. It’s as though people have forgotten there are other swear words that pack a mighty punch!
Agreed….I really think profanity is overused in movies and TV shows.
Hi Mary, I totally agree. I like a well place swear word very much. However, some people seem to use it a place filler when there is nothing else that pops into their head or they simply need a thinking pause. As an example: I really like podcasts (mainly comedy ones from the UK) but after some time got tired as a lot of them used swearwords every 5sec (their sentences got 3x longer simply because every 4th word was f’ck) and talking about below the belt topics so often, I got tired of them. Also, whoot whoot for diversifying the swear word vocabulary :)
My seven year old son came home from elementary school telling me that he had seen the “c” word written on the bathroom stall. I was so sad that such an advanced curse word had made it to the elementary bathrooms , feeling that innocence slip away and then he said “Yeah, crap!” heavy sigh of relief for now……
I absolutely loved this post. Nothing will be beat our toddler yelling “SHIT!” as she accidentally drops a box of crackers all over the floor. But my favorite instance of a child swearing has to be the understated, awe-full “daaaammmnn” of my kindergartner watching a dolphin jump at the aquarium.
So glad you enjoyed! Thank you!
I told my two oldest (12 & 10) they could use them when they are able to know when it’s appropriate, when it’s not, & how to use them correctly. Thankfully, still a work in process.
This was a relief to read. I’ve been questioning my stance, which has been basically, let them say whatever in the house or around us, but not in public or around other people. Seemed like a good plan, but two problems have emerged: (1) with that much freedom, it gets entrenched, and my 13 year old doesn’t even realize he’s saying these things, which is a problem in public or in the presence of company; and (2) at some point, it’s disconcerting to hear this language casually and constantly from a 10 or 13 year old. Yes, they’re mimicking me (sigh), but I guess a little bit of my upbringing is showing through: I just don’t want to hear cursing from kids all that much. Every so often is fine (we all need emphasis!), but it’s hard for kids to understand where the line is. I’m not sure I’d approach it differently if I could do it over, but there is a nice clarity to the line of “adults get to say it; kids don’t”, even if I do hate the hypocrisy on their behalf.
While we haven’t reached the swear words yet, we tell our 4 year old that he can say potty words in the bathroom, but no where else. It’s funny to hear him yell “booty butt!” while sitting on the toilet from time to time.
As the mom of an 11-year-old autistic boy this is so relatable! I particularly relate to your comment about feeling pride that he’s hit this milestone.
Glad you enjoyed!
growing up (also in a catholic household), we weren’t even allowed to say “butt,” but had to replace it with “fanny.” the other day during dinner, my two year old loudly proclaimed “oh shit, oh shit” to which my mom replied “i swear i haven’t even said that around her and have been really good about it…” quickly followed by “…today.” how times change. :)
As a Brit, I find the substitution of “butt” for “fanny” truly hilarious, because “fanny” is typically used here as a somewhat crude term for the female genitalia- and would be seen as a MUCH less appropriate word to use in polite conversation than “butt” (though, we tend to use “bum” instead of that here!). Isn’t language GREAT?!
We’ve tried to teach our daughter that context and audience are important when swearing, but my husband and I both use swear words all the time. So, we’ve basically just resigned ourselves to the fact that our daughter will likely inherit our love of swear words. But we also figure that if that’s the worst trait she inherits, we’re doing ok as parents. :insert big shrug here:
I’ve found that if we simply make them regular words, all the intrigue vanishes. We’ve always said that context matters. And that treating others as you would wish to be treated is essential. And that being regulated, if possible, takes practice. And that mistakes are information, not condemnation. And that some will look at you askew and judge you for your choice of words, etc. But isn’t that always the case? How much should we really care about the judgements of others? How much should we teach our children to take it to heart? In a world that thrives on socializing us to follow (made up) “norms” tell the truth. About all of it. Instead of panic, Tell your kids the truth. In a matter of fact way. About context, meaning, history, etc etc of words, and everything else. They can handle it. And the conversations you’ll have and closeness you’ll gain is fun and enlightening!
My daughter is nonverbal and on the severe end of the spectrum but if she ever does start speaking she will probably say many colorful words that she hears daddy say driving around Boston.
So who gets to decide which words are acceptable and which ones are not? Choosing to live/ practice good manners, morals and ethics is not a hard line. No one says it’s hard line to wear a helmet or look both ways before crossing a road. Choosing not to curse also helps you develop grit/ self control and practice speaking politely/ kindly. Sure, a lot of people curse when they are angry but the way it’s been normalized down to the books and billboards is appalling and disconcerting. We tend to jump on whatever bandwagon is available and then justify our repeated behaviors that serves only ourselves.
we’ve been trying to teach our kids “responsible use” of swear words (only at home, in the right context, etc etc.) this summer in cornwall, my eight-year-old was eating an ice cream when a particularly brazen seagull swooped down, slashed his cheek, and stole it clean away. he stood there stunned, on the verge of tears, the whole thing too much. and with a quiet, simmering fury, he said “f*cking seagull.” then he breathed, steadied, and walked to the beach, leaving us with a family refrain that is both hilarious and, somehow, a little holy.
That made me laugh out loud! Perfect nuance and etiquette in that phrase.
I call myself Suzy Sailor Mouth, and I tried very hard to keep her inside until my kids were older. By the time the third one was a teen I gave up and let her out. Finally felt like myself. When he was 17 he gave me this for my birthday – I’ve never felt more seen. :) https://maliciouswomenco.com/collections/the-f-ck-collection/products/every-great-mom-says-the-f-word-infused-with-nouns-verbs-adjectives-candle
The fact that he’s calling you mommy while saying these things is the sweetest and a clear indication that you’re doing great, Johanna! My personal tactic here is diverson. Whenever my son thinks things are ‘no big deal’, he quickly moves on. If I get a “f*ck”, I respond with a “flabbidy-flu-flah-deep-derp”, which usually illicts a “blue-blo-greeep” type reply from the pre-teen offender. I think of it as gently leading his brain down an alternate path. (albeit a path with sign posts along the way reminding him that swearing has a time and place.)
recently I found myself playing with a friend’s daughter in the pool, no other adults around. So she decided to go for it. “What does the F word mean?” she asked. I was panic stricken, I don’t have children of my own and did not feel like I knew enough about their parenting philosophy to correctly answer the question (her mom swears like a sailor but also only allows her to watch PBS and parental approved programming). I thought for a second and said “It’s just a stupid made up word, but it’s still a bad word”. She kind of looked at me funny, so as a peace offering, I added “but shit means poop”. That seemed to satisfy her so we went back to doing handstands in the pool.
“Angrily quoting Yeats”—dying. What a funny, thoughtful, well-judged piece.
Thank you so much!
We have 2 boys who are thoughtful teens now, but discovered the magic of curse words when they were in elementary school. We opted to teach them that they’re just words, of course, but we’ve (culturally) chosen to given them some extra power – so they should be reserved for situations where you need a little extra oomph.
My son is also neuro-spicy, and the only thing that has been even moderately successful is to try to make up goofy alternatives to curse words. So we go through phases of ‘pinkerton’ or ‘skip-to-my-lou’ or ‘punch’ (also ‘punch a whippet’). Or to borrow from Shakespeare ‘you egg!’ All said with the appropriate swear emphasis. If he pulls out a creative one when really mad it is extra extra credit. The really funny thing was when he started listening to music with swears in it I tried to do parent controls that blank out those words, but he just started saying them with pauses in the middle – think fuh– er. Ridiculous, gave up on that quickly.
My colleague uses “Shut the Front Door!” to replace “Shut The F**k Up!” -It matches up quite well.
You might enjoy this book! https://www.amazon.com/Shakespeare-Insult-Generator-Match-Insults/dp/1452127751 I think there are online generators too. We bought it on vacation with the teenage cousins and they all had fun coming up with the best. Also, in the Dimwood Forest book series by Avi, Ereth, the grumpy porcupine, has the best swears. We read it when my kids were little and used them all the time.
I love the Shakespearean twist! Ha!