A Brilliant Tip for Talking to Teenagers
This summer, I wrote a Big Salad issue about botox, but the reader comment that jumped out at me was actually about…
…teenagers.
“Here’s a piece of advice for teens that has really stayed with me,” wrote a reader named Kaff. “‘Never be more excited or more disappointed about things than they are.’ Lisa Damour said this about the college acceptance/rejection rollercoaster, but I think it applies to everything — sports, friends, tests, crushes, bosses, etc. And in those what should-I-do moments of parenting teens, I find it helpful to remind myself to aim for a few degree below wherever they are.”
How wise is that? A teenager’s emotions are already all over the place — the highest highs! the lowest lows! — so they definitely don’t need anyone to amplify them. And they shouldn’t feel any extra pressure to talk you down or hype you up. Also, I love the idea that, as a parent, you’re helping your kid run a marathon by holding up a sign and handing them water — not running it alongside them. They can sweat, run, stretch, falter, fall, and feel all the emotions, and we can be there to witness and support them — but not sweat in the same way.
Before this, I’d sometimes bring rah-rah energy to teenage parenting moments, and it was not always appreciated:
Thank you, as always, to my teenagers for their patience and leadership.
Thoughts? What advice do you have for raising teenagers? It’s not for the faint of heart!
P.S. More about parenting teens, including 10 things I love about raising preteens/teens, and 21 completely subjective rules for raising teenage girls and teenage boys.
Comments
195 commentsParents of you g children need this lesson too. I know so many parents of small children who have HUGE reactions to everything (a stick figure doesn’t require applause, a potty accident isn’t a tragedy) and their children become somewhat on edge waiting for the explosive praise or the attempt to show sympathy.
How do I repair my relationship with a 18 year old (Boy) kid who has gone off to college? I wish i had read these in my parenting years and feel bad now for him that I was not a great listener. I feel like I have a rocky relationship with him and he is never been happy with me. When we dropped him off to college this week, he couldn’t wait to get rid of us.
My mom didn’t really engage with me much in college and it sort of set the stage for me not reaching out very often. I would have really loved packaged from home without the expectation of something back. Or a package from home with yummy faves and an already stamped postcard where I could write a few lines and send it.
As a Former Teenager who couldn’t wait to get away from my parents, I can say that I still just wish my parents would extend to me a sense of curiosity about how I saw things/our relationship. I have two little kids of my own now, and I have been able to see my parents develop (what I perceive to be) more intention in their grandparenting and I am warmed by this. Several months ago, my 72-year-old dad sent me a meme on IG (lol) that listed “questions to ask your little kids before it’s too late” which I assume was his suggestion to me. I received it positively because I was glad to know he was thinking about those things for my kiddos. I responded with “love these! PS it’s not too late ;)” I think respecting the boundaries he has chosen to put in place is important. But I bet a handwritten note that focuses on what his experiences were and where you think you dropped the ball will help him feel acknowledged, without requiring him to process/respond on the spot. From there, you can extend the invitation for him to process more with you if he wants to (if you feel prepared to hear him out without growing defensive, or feel capable of saying “thank you for being open — I’d like to take a break and continue the conversation next week so I can reflect on what you’ve shared so far.) Sharing your intention to be more connected while not expecting your kid to take care of the feelings that arise about how you think they perceive you might foster a connective environment they can feel less hesitant to engage with.
I don’t think I agree. I’m allowed to have my own genuine emotions about the victories or fails of my child. I think being excited about something they’ve achieved shows that I am proud of them and that they should also be proud of themselves, even if it’s something small. It also shows that we are there for them, and are really invested. The disappointment part is a little different. If they made a truly terrible choice that affected themselves or others in a negative way, I wouldn’t want to downplay the consequences but if the disappointment is over not making a team or something, I would definitely try to be more encouraging than showing disappointments.
I see what you mean, Mar. You’re certainly “allowed” to feel whatever you feel and share what you’re feeling! But if your goal is to make it more likely that your teen will actually *want* to share news with you, I think this approach is spot on :)
I’m an Auntie but my middle sister who is a mom to two amazing lads, asked our teen nieces at a family gathering, “What’s new with your friend group?” and lo and behold that opened them up in an entirely new way. Something about the question, asked in a low key way, made them feel comfortable. We have used it ever since and it’s been so wonderful to get to know our nieces and nephews in a deeper way. They are all so wonderful and funny and cool!
As a pediatrician, this is great advice! I often have to ask teens difficult questions, and I get sooo much more honesty and openness when I start with asking about what their friend group is up to.
So in thinking about why this is such helpful advice, I think it’s because it allows a person to simply be without feeling like they have to manage someone else’s emotions. It sounds like a lot of the times, it’s moms who tend to overreact and once kids pick up on that – they start to feel partly responsible for moms emotions! Which is totally not fair to them!
Somewhere along the line, my tween has gotten the idea that we are “peers” because he knows so much more than I do in a few areas. I quietly relish the moment when I hear “wow mom, I guess you really do know what you’re doing.” I’d love to hear from some moms specifically, but any parent, about navigating a divorce with a tween boy when dad is only nominally engaged at the best of times. My son is yearning to be seen and loved and I can’t be his mom and his dad.
Hmm. I appreciate where you are coming from but to me what I hear when you say this is you’re raising a tween boy who doesn’t respect women. Yikes.
I completely disagree Roxie. Don’t you remember being a teen and thinking your parents were idiots who knew nothing. I’m sure you are doing a great job. Also, you are raising a confident child. We are all trying to do our best.
I’m guessing Roxie you’ve never had a child of this particular age, as to me it sounds exactly like something any tween would say. Also guessing you’ve never gone through a divorce or had someone close to you go through a divorce , as you would never insinuate something negative about someone’s parenting especially when they are are sincerely seeking advice and support. Evenings Free- this is a particularly tough time for a boy to not have his Dad engaged in a meaningful way. I wonder if there are male coaches, teachers, church members, even the Dad’s of his friends that you trust and could offer up some weekly or monthly outings that would feel connective and not like a charity case. I bet if even a handful of people ( again those that are trusted or vouched for ) would be willing to step up if they new a little about your situation. You sound like a caring mom. Sending all the good stuff your way as you navigate this tricky time.
My 8 YO already does this… like “Wow Mom, you are actually pretty good at soccer,” when we practice shooting goals at the park.** It is like they are starting to see you as a whole person. **objectively i have TERRIBLE eye hand coordination and I legitimately have to try my hardest to compete with an 8 YO, which is also pretty cool. Fortunately I have other skills….
My oldest daughter is 13. About a year ago we started always having a 1000piece puzzle going. We sit and puzzle together. It’s low pressure for conversation and sometimes we listen to music or she listens to her headphones. But it feels really easy to connect over a puzzle. It makes us both so relaxed and happy and closer to each other.
We do this too…It’s like “parallel play” with your teen :)
This is PERFECT advice, and you will still be doing this with adult children. Had to do this while car shopping with my daughter just yesterday! Mantra: “Be Switzerland.”
I’m 37 and my mom still puts me on edge with her extreme reactions to whatever I say. I can’t share anything good or bad, she takes it to the other end of the spectrum. I often find myself trying to calm her nerves (good or bad) rather than enjoying the happy or offloading some of the stress. Can parents be chill please? Thank you.
33 here and my mom does the exact same thing. I end up waiting days to share even GOOD news because I have to prepare myself for her reaction and the emotional labor I will have to do to manage it.
Ohmigosh, yes, this!! My mom is the same- and also goes into solution mode and won’t stop ruminating on my problem and giving advice. Sometimes I just want a sounding board!!
Same girl, same. It was even really hard to tell mine about my pregnancies because I was so fucking exhausted that I couldn’t bear to deal with the ott reaction. I told her about a (shocking, unexpected) death in my husband’s family and she literally started screaming and wailing over the phone because she knew the person too. It’s…a lot.
My wonderfully wise mother used to say: “Every stage of life has its advantages.” It keeps me grounded in the present instead of waiting for the future.
I love this! Thank you.
Fascinating! I never experienced a parent being over-enthused, so maybe that colors my perception that some times my kids downplay their big wins and want a reaction. We all contain multitudes. I often use a line from when I was teaching adults to read, “How did that make you feel?” Or “What did you think of that?” My biggest advice might only apply to my own three teen/college sons—try to stay up past 11 pm when you can. Everything changes after 11. Suddenly that tight-lipped 17 yr old will sit on my office floor and pour out his worries, or my 20 yr old son will put his head in my lap and tell me stories. I pay dearly the next day but so much of our connection and trust has been built in those late hours when they suddenly feel like talking.
My 20 year old will occasionally wander into my bedroom at bedtime, with her blankie and occupy a chair, to play on her phone. It takes about 20 minutes for her to defrost, and then she will start to talk, all while sneaking a little closer to my physical space. She can’t come out and ask for my time and attention, but I appreciate the notice that there is something on her mind. The last time she was home I reversed her course, and took my blanket into her room, sat down and played on my phone. Sometimes it is just breathing each other’s air, but there is something to those late night hours. Like the day has already spent the bulk of the filter and attitude. An outlet for whatever is causing chaos you don’t want to sleep on.
The Kite Runner brought me to tears.
My #1 self-soothing phrase as a step-parent to 4 teenagers was derived from the perennial CoJ favorite, “babies be babies.” TEENS BE TEENS! I dialed it in a lil bit to say “they’re killing it at being a [insert age] year-old,” but it was that famous CoJ comment that got me there, haha. <3
A couple of weeks ago, my 11-year-old daughter casually mentioned that she and I were best friends, to which I enthusiastically replied “REALLY?!” (this felt like the biggest compliment from the person who most frequently calls me out on my BS). She then responded with “MOM. Don’t make it weird.” So we’re back on track.
This is so sweet! It sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter
All these kids that are giving you feedback. I love it so much. Toby and all of the others in the comments who are guiding their parents and telling them what they need. I’m in my 40s and still couldn’t have a conversation like that with my parents. You’re doing such a brilliant job, raising humans for the future 💛
I have an eight-year-old who can’t wait to be a teenager, and I just want to say that as someone who was told my whole life what a nightmare teenagers are (myself included), this community brings me such hope about what the coming years hold. Thanks for reframing teenage hood.
Teenager are so amazingly funny and annoying at the same time. I have 2 sons and a daughter and they were all teenager at one brief time. It was so much fun. My boys are one year apart in age and have all the same friends. I would high recommend saying “yes” when they ask to have their friends over. Make sure to have lots of food on hand though. I learned so much information about what was going on in their lives by just being in the kitchen cooking for them. There is always that one kid that will sit at the kitchen counter and ask you a random question and BAM you have insight into what is happening in their lives right then. My biggest parenting achievement thus far was the hug from a young lady who was at our house a lot during her high school years. She hugged me and said “thank you for always letting me hang here – I felt so welcomed.”
My older child is 15 now and I enjoy being his mom so much! The roller coaster of teen emotions can be really intense, but he is a great person and I love seeing him learn new things and gain independence. And I enjoy this phase a LOT more than the toddler or preschool years… he is so smart and funny and is capable of being good company in ways that a little kid can’t. When he turned 14, he and his friends made me laugh so hard telling math jokes that I couldn’t eat birthday cake! 😊
Jill… you are the mom I think we all aspire to be. I am looking forward to the smelly teenage years and plan to have all the snacks…My son has already suggested that we swap the family room to have have a smaller lounge space and larger “sports” space, and I think he might actually be right!
I like to make sure that I’m saying nice things to my kid and not just giving him a list of do’s and don’ts, lectures, etc. I really do appreciate him and I like to tell him this. I’ll just say things like, “Thanks so much for always doing the dishes. I really appreciate it!” Or “You’re so great at helping take care of the dog.”
Sometimes it’s better to ask “what are you thinking about [whatever situation]?” instead of “how are you feeling about [whatever situation]?”
I freakin love this tip and it’s just in time. Thanks!
After a big discussion with one of my teenagers, I like to jokingly ask them if they’d like to “Rate My Mom-ing”. It always cracks them up, lightens the mood, but then I get like 3 or 4 stars and real feedback! And in that format, I think they’re a little more candid about what they need. One time I was pretty jerky about something emotional that was occurring and my daughter snapped “TWO stars, dude!” so I answered, “Your experience is valuable to us, we apologize and love you!”
This is delightful and captures the humbling nature of parenting.
Oh my gosh. I love this one so much. We’re all learning, after all.
Whoa, I am totally trying this.
I actually learned this tip working in a surgical oncology clinic: Before you start speaking, ask for their understanding of what is happening. The hard part is that you need to really listen. Open posture, open mind, open heart. Only then do you offer your own feeling and interpretations. Then ask them for solutions about how to solve the issue going forward. Come up with a plan together about how to tackle the problem together. Usually they have a great ideas of only we could hear them out Teenagers are craving opportunities to pretend they are adults. Why not give them some of that agency?
“Teenagers are craving opportunities to pretend they are adults.” THIS. They need to practice and build trust in themselves and that is so much easier when adults extend trust to them. Even if they make mistakes, which is only natural, they need to build experience.
Your last sentence absolutely nailed it. Do mind if I steal it? I’m a psychologist.
Love this advice so much, Sarah. Thank you.
I have a six year old and this advice still applies. I was SO excited as she was learning to read–I cried the first time she read a word out in the wild. When her K teacher sent home the first book for her to read out loud to us, my daughter was very anxious about it and told me “I don’t like it when you get so EXCITED”–I was banned from showing any happy emotion while she was reading out loud. (I told my book club it felt like a bit of a Rocky moment–shout out to Catherine Newman and other Sandwich readers, IYKYK).
Semi-related question – what do your kids like to do? My almost 13-year old son is mostly into gaming (Roblox and Minecraft), some coding, and watching YouTube (mix of silly stuff and engineering related like Mark Rober). I’d love for him to find some non-screen hobbies but I’m struggling to come up with suggestions as he’s not very interested in sports or crafty activities. Any ideas? Thank you!
My 15-year old has similar interests but he also likes to hike and cross country ski with me when I drag him out, and fish. He seems to like novelty and exploration and independence, things he can do at his own pace and on his terms. His sports are xc and track, where the performance is more individualized but it’s still a good team environment.
I have a teenager who’s super into birding (like Pokémon Go but for reals) and archery (technically a sport, but not a sporty sport). Several of his friends are into Dungeons & Dragons.
You could try a robotics club. My son that likes building, coding and Mark Rober has loved it.
Son is now 17 but at that age, and with similar interests, he also liked painting Warhammer figurines or WWII mini figs and playing LEGOs. (Never too old for LEGOs). Walking the dog and riding his bike. Rowing was the only organized sport he enjoyed. Good luck, Mama!
Dungeons and dragons is really having a moment! That’s the first thing that my solitary, anti-competitive, don’t make me interact with other people, kid would actually get excited to do in a group. They have groups in local libraries and game shops and also online!
my gamer kid LOVVVED theater tech in high school!
Seconding theatre tech, thirding D&D, and suggesting a robotics club. My daughter also loves modern/conceptual art museums and Sam Kean books.
Here is where I reveal that I have read ALL the parenting books and listened to ALL the parenting podcasts…In the book The Blessings of a B- by Wendy Mogel, which is about parenting teens, she talked about how the interests kids have as small kids are pretty true to who they are and so it can be helpful to think about their little kid interests in bigger kid or adult terms when they get to be teenagers. For example: a kid who loved Play-Doh might do well in a ceramics class, or a kid who loved the playground equipment might click with rock climbing. I’m wondering what your son liked at 3, 4, and 5? Any grown-up-ish versions of those things?
My kid like this loves swimming with friends and stand up paddleboarding. We don’t live on the water, but have rented them several times at local lakes, etc and ended up buying an inflatable one. He’s also starting to be more willing to cook occasionally.
If he is even a little interested in sports, I suggest disc golf and/or ultimate frisbee. These are more about having fun without the pressure of winning or performing perfectly.
Hi Laura, my tween boy loves to work hard and play hard. He supplies firewood for the neighborhood (we just have a firepit) with his axe and chainsaw which he maintains himself, he loves tree climbing and rappelling, and mountain biking. We are fortunate to live near a river, and he swims, dives, and paddle boards. He loves to read and research. In the winter/rainy season we spend a lot of time reading together and watching movies.
My 11 year old son plays drums… yes, we have a full kit and it’s very loud, but he loves it. He’s learned how to read music, has explored different genres and developed his own taste/preferences- it’s been good. You can also get an electric kit (read: headphones = silence). He also really loves to grocery shop – we talk about how to choose produce, how to stay in a budget, menu plan – it’s like a fun game for him to run around and pick everything out, but it’s also helpful to me and a life skill for him. I basically just hang out with the cart, hand him the list and he’s on it. We don’t live in a rural area like I did growing up, so I can’t just send him out of the house for the day to explore the woods, but he can explore TJ’s.
I want to give a shout-out for cross country. I know it sounds hard but hear me out! My 15 year-old has been running cross country since 7th grade, and what has stood out to me is how accepting and supportive the community is. There’s no shame in walking if you need to, what is important is finishing. There’s a big emphasis on personal best, which means you’re mostly competing against yourself. My kiddo is loving it.
my hot tip if you can’t read the emotional energy: just straight up ask “and how do you feel about that?” Works for adults, too.
Love this!
A fun helpful read: ‘The Teenager is not a Coordinated Plot (Against a Parent’s Sanity)’ by Tonya Reilly. On Amazon –
Having food stockpiled is key with tweens & teens. You never want them to be hangry.
Help! My son has been invited to his friends B’nai Mitzvah (a boy and a girl). They are his friends from school. What present would be appropriate? Thanks for any suggestion
Cash in a denomination of $18 ($18, $36, $72, $108 – whatever amount works for your budget) is perfect.
For some girls (depends on the girl and how well your kid knows her), we gave Sephora gift cards in those denominations. Also, after my son’s bar mitzvah, I realized we were essentially passing the same money back and forth between him and all his friends—haha.
Thanks for your answers. I’ll follow your suggestions. Just curious, what is the reason behind the 18 number?
Hebrew letters have numerical equivalents and the sum of those spelling the word “life” is 18, so it’s an auspicious number.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!!!!!!! THANK YOU! Even with a 20 year old starting her Junior year at college, this is a huge take away! XO
I wish my mother would’ve read these comments. She was intrusive but never helpful and wanted to know everything but never had any good advice.
I heard a phrase years ago that has stuck with me through parenting my son (now 17 and entering his senior year)… “house plant parenting.” This means just being there, available but not intrusive, ready to listen but not offering unwanted advice/opinions, calm and cool just like a houseplant. :) When I’m able to practice this, I find that my son just naturally starts talking about what’s on his mind without too much prodding on my part. I’m thankful for years and years of hearing what he’s thinking about.
When I was 12, my stepfather came into our lifes and eventually, a few years later, gave my mother a very similar advice, a sort of “now, she is older and more independent and our role is to here for her when she comes to us”, and my mother says it saved her.
I was lucky and resourced enough to be one of the only (mostly) at-home moms when my kids were in MS and HS. That meant a LOT of driving, doing multiple pick-ups for the school run, being the one who took them all to movies, dances, bowling, craft store, and kept a full fridge. The payoff? Knowing how every single one of them was doing, feeling, and all the things, just by being in their space. Even topics that weren’t directed my way felt sort of meant for my ears, like I was just a guardian fairy or even benign presence from whom they’d feel ok asking for help. Be the parent in the car, if you possibly can. Soak it in. Be the one who will wait in front of the bowling alley at midnight with the car warmed up and maybe even some muffins and hot chocolate.
Dare I say, this is a great idea for parenting adults too? This is how my dad shows up in my life, but my mom is always over the top and makes me not want to share. Good news comes with over enthusiastic celebration and bad news often comes with “oh that is so hard” even when it isn’t that bad, audible disappointment that centers how she feels about the news, or this pitying tone that makes me want to scream. It is what it is. Just listen.
I can completely see how this would be hard, and also as someone who’s parents have always been extremely neutral and non reactive about everything I tell them, as an adult I have no idea what they are thinking or feeling and I have craved so much for my mom to be enthusiastic or sad about SOMETHING I tell her, or to have the opportunity to know how she feels or what she is thinking. It’s a tricky balance for sure.
I totally have a similar experience. It feels like telling my mom things is passing them through and amplifier machine. It definitely makes me less likely to tell her things, even though both she and I would probably prefer that I communicate with her more.
or casting a wider net still: a way to be with all people?
I’m so grateful for all the posts about teens and preteens! My oldest is turning 9 this fall, and so often now I can see the shape of those teen years peeking through in his emotions and reactions. Sometimes is delightful, and sometimes it’s quite the challenge already!
My advice to parents is usually a reminder that they’re not children very long so try to raise the adults you want to hang out with. I am pretty confident that you’re all doing a great job. I know this because you read a blog about talking to teenagers. You care about your children and want to do your best. Enjoy the teenage years. And then enjoy the rest of the years.
“ Enjoy the teenage years. And then enjoy the rest of the years” is the best framing, thank you
I am early in the stage of parenting teens, and so far, the most helpful thing I have learned is to be QUIET. Most of the time they do not need my advice, my praise, or my opinion, they just need a space to feel safe and share. When one of my teens starts to talk, and share, I politely listen and keep my mouth sealed. (Unless of course they ask for a response.) Last year, my 13 year old started to talk out something to me. Each time there was a pause in the conversation, I kept quiet but interested. Eventually, he would start talking more. An hour (and a hug) later, he felt resolved, and told me “mom, you’re a good listener.”
I have just entered the realms of teenage hood but I have been practicing with my tween for a while so please take what I say with a pinch of salt but I hope it continues to work as well as what it has. Point number one, keep those lines of communication open. My daughter (and her friends) tell me everything and I feel so blessed that they feel comfortable enough to do that. My daughter and I have open conversations about sex, relationships, trans rights, gay rights, human rights, womens rights etc etc. Nothing is closed. If I don’t know the answer we look for it together. Point Number 2 is to accept everyones behavious. Yes we all have to be polite and respectful but she has hit puberty and I remember how awful that was. Your hormones are going mental, one minute you are up, the next minute you are down and you have no way of explaining it. At the other end of the scale, I am menopausal and my hormones are atrocious. We give grace to one another and if one of us is particularly awful, we always apologise once we are feeling a bit better. Point number 3 (and I genuinely think this is the most important). Let them sleep and let them sleep with no guilt. Teenagers need to sleep, its just a requirement. Their internal clocks are all over the place and they normally have so many activities on the go that when they get a chance to sleep they take it. Let them do it and when they get up, don’t greet them with a sarcastic “Good Morning” or a “What time do you call this”, just give them a hug (if they let you!) and let them get on with it. And I still believe in the old adage of “just add water”. If my teen is felling ill, she always gets a glass of water first, if she is irritable she has a shower, if she is in pain from period cramps, she has a bath. If we are both moody, we go for a walk at the beach and a paddle in the sea. “Just add water” has served me well over the years!!
“Just add water” has been so true in the little kid years, I’m glad to know it still holds up as they get bigger! And YES to let them sleep! I remember being dragged out of bed Saturday mornings to get my chores done as a teenager, and sometimes I was so exhausted. I could have vacuumed my room just as easily at 2pm as at 9am! I think it was a post here that compared the need to sleep during the teen years with the need to sleep during pregnancy, and that just rang so true to me. Let them sleep!
Probably one of the best advice I’ve heard, and I wish I had heard it sooner…It’s true. I think parents should be emotionally mature to handle their kid’s emotions.. Yet, it’s hard to transition from the parent who acts out emotions for their toddler/young kid to the parent who follow their kid’s lead. Valuable, even with young adults.
Lisa Damour is a national treasure and her guidance is so spot-on. I often think about her advice to be a potted plant parent–being around for your teens without any sort of agenda. It’s SO HARD sometimes with my own 16-year-old daughter, but I never regret letting her take the lead in conversations. My daughter and I chat most days in the home office, away from her siblings, and it’s one of my most favorite things to do. Before I walk in I have to silently tell myself “potted plant, potted plant” so I stay in the right frame of mind.
Her podcast is really good.
I’m not parenting teens yet, but I will keep this advice in my backpocket for ten years down the road. And I do sincerely mean that. My children are only 4 and 3 months now. My mother-in-law made several comments about how I’m raising my toddler “joyfully,” and, while flattered, I didn’t really know what she meant. One day when my son got home from preschool, I very enthusiastically greeted him, which I learned from Cup of Jo and Joanna’s funny anecdote about enthusiastically greeting little Toby, and my mother-in-law said, “See? Such joyful parenting!” Oh, my heart.
Public Service Announcement for parents of boys: I recently went down the Lisa Damour rabbit hole. Love her perspective on teens. She recommended “Decoding Boys” by Cara Natterson in a post and I’m about halfway through it. SO MUCH GOOD (science/evidence based) INFORMATION on boys! Highly, highly recommend. Seriously. Go find it at your library!
I’m a pediatrician and mom to three boys, and I recommend this book all the time. I also appreciate Natterson’s podcast “This is So Awkward”
This is such good and timely advice as I prepare to send my twins to college! My husband and I have tried to remind each other to be “on it” and not “in it”. Love the marathon metaphor! Related,I probably need to stop asking my quieter twin if he is “okay”, because it is probably pretty annoying. And I have to keep my college expectations in check – just because I loved it- doesn’t mean they are necessarily going to feel the same way.
Haha I gotta share that my college boyfriend’s family was pretty focused on whether the youngest, a sweet and quiet kid who wasn’t as good at playing the academic game but was very bright, was okay. I was always bewildered by it, because clearly he was okay and just had slightly different factory settings than his siblings. And if anything, the constant refrain of “is Matthew okay?” seemed like it could become a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve since lost touch with the family, but have no doubt that Matthew is (still) doing okay!
Oh my gosh. Toby sounds like my sons. They say the same thing to me. The advice is spot on. They say, mom, look at how I’m acting…Why are you acting like that? (when I hype things up more). They tell me to read the room, so to speak. It bugs me bc I get excited, but I also don’t want to be annoying so I try to rein it in. My daughter who’s 21 isn’t like my boys that way as much, but my boys who are 16 and 18? Yeah. They don’t like excited mom.
This is such great advice–and all the more, I think, for neurodivergent kids and teens.
The best advice for parenting teens ( and infants, toddlers, preteens, etc) is get to know your own kiddos and meet them where they are. My now 21 year old son tells me I’ve always been his favorite person to share good news with. I absolutely light up, even over the phone. His friends, his dad, they all provide that understated neutral kudos. His mama, however, gets to be his biggest cheerleader. It’s our thing. When it comes to life’s lows, I do take a more neutral pragmatic approach, I listen without making a face, help him weigh his options. I think he appreciates both approaches. There’s never a one size fits all approach to anything.
This advice feels like the developmentally appropriate version of my favorite infant/toddler advice: “Be the thermostat, not the thermometer.” Reminding myself to regulate my emotions and be an ocean of calm for my child has been a godsend in the early years and, I guess, it will be in the teenage years too!
I’m reading this and I don’t have kids but it makes me think of my partner. I’ll often get very excited or sympathetic in reaction to something he tells me and he doesn’t like it. But I love him so much and want to celebrate him and be there for him and make sure he knows it! I guess it does put a lot of pressure on the other person teen or not. Anyone else experience this?
Anon, I do relate! I don’t have kids either, but this makes me think of my best friend. I loove to feel that swell in my heart when something works out well for my nearest and dearest. It’s more exciting than a win for myself! Most of my folks are either neutral about it or tell me they look forward to my cheerleading, but he’s extremely (outwardly)calm and self-contained. He tells me that he lives with a certain level of anxiety about most things, good and bad, and to not really discuss it more than necessary helps keep the feeling of pressure off of it. What made me understand more so was the concept of not wanting to disappoint me – he knows how invested I am in seeing him thrive, and if a good thing falls through, he doesn’t want me to be sad about it. But! That being said, he shows up at my door at the same time every week, knowing that I’m a big ol’ pile of transparent feelings. And in gesture to him, I try to keep it cool. I’m sure your partner fell in love with your big emotions, too, even if they overwhelm him from time to time. <3
Two things I have learned as I am nearing the end of the teenage years (sons 18 and 21): learn from them, it just be a teacher. They are shaping the future I will live in. I learned to put my grammar lessons aside to use they/them with individuals. And teens still need structure. Their brains develop so rapidly during this period (The Teenage Brain (https://www.harpercollins.com/products/the-teenage-brain-frances-e-jensenamy-ellis-nutt) that their judgement is not as reasoned.
Keep a box of tissues and a trash can w a lid in their bedroom. Refresh the tissues regularly and gently remind them to empty the trash can a few times a week. My best friend w two boys older than mine gave me this practical and very useful advice…
Wild! (As my 12 year old boy says frequently these days) Thank you, Emily. Not there yet, but this would not have occurred to me, and seems incredibly useful!! Going to try to enjoy this time before even more body stuff starts to happen, haha.
Wow, as the mother of teenager girls I have to say this comment really bugs me. Maybe it’s because the one thing I make sure to refresh in my daughters’ rooms is birth control, pregnancy tests, and plan B. Maybe it’s the erosion of all of our rights to bodily autonomy that’s got me down, but there’s something about the idea of boys freely exploring their bodies and desires while their moms provide the tissues–all while the moms of girls down the block or down the hall are doing EVERYTHING they can to keep their daughters safe–that makes me think we have a lot of f-ing work to do. As Michelle Obama says, “We raise our daughters and we love our sons.” Let’s work on raising those sons too. It’s now or never, boy moms.
Janie, can you say more about why this comment bothers you? It didn’t sound to me like Emily meant to provide the tissues and not talk about anything else. As a woman who doesn’t have brothers and has two not-yet-teen boys, I feel prepared to continue talking about relationships and consent with my kiddos but far less prepared for the physical aspects of male puberty that are fairly foreign to me, so I appreciated this advice!
To Janie – that really doesn’t feel like a fair reply to Emily at all, and rather a projection of what you’re feeling about everything else onto her making a standalone comment about one thing. As the saying goes: “[this] is the only place where well articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say ‘I like pancakes’ and somebody will say ‘so you hate waffles?'”
Sure, I’ll cop to some projection here! And also annoyance, anger, worry, and some jealousy. Look, the majority of the general comments in this post are from mothers of teen boys, which totally makes sense, because Jo is a tireless and beautiful spokesperson for the experience. But—- as many readers before me have pointed out—the way Jo talks about her kids is not a way that women in the public eye talk about their daughters. The affection, pride, curiousity, delight, it’s all very much tied up in them being sons. (If this doesn’t ring true to anyone– I’d LOVE to be proven wrong– please share examples of women writing this way about their daughters!) And clearly mothers of sons feel heard and seen by Jo, which is so lovely. But raising teenager girls is a very different story. A gorgeous, complicated, wild, deeply satisfying and often terrifying story. As to the specifics of this comment and my response, all I’m really saying is that making space for desire and exploration isn’t enough.Talking about relationships and consent isn’t enough. If you suspect that your son is sexually active, then please– please–get in there and REALLY talk about it. Logistics of protection, privacy, communication. Teach him how to support his partner as she navigates and negotiates what is–in our current moment–a staggeringly serious responsibility. Also, I love you all, Cup of Jo community. Thank you for caring so much about each other and our world. xx
Janie – I have two girls and your concerns resonate for me, but I want to point out that masturbating isn’t the same thing as being sexually active. By providing tissues, I think Emily is just supporting her kids’ exploration of their bodies.
Oh my-while it’s too bad what I wrote about supporting masturbation for a teen boy was so triggering for someone, I’m grateful in the replies. My comment is about masturbation and giving teens the space, privacy and support to explore and normalize that.
Oh my-while it’s too bad what I wrote about supporting masturbation for a teen boy was so triggering for someone, I’m grateful for the replies. My comment is about masturbation and giving teens (a boy in this case though fresh tissues and trash cans are a good idea for most spaces teens inhabit) space, privacy and support to explore and normalize that. Assuming that because I support masturbation, I somehow am not educating my son about consent or birth control or bodily autonomy is a leap. Makes me think of another piece of advice I share with my son-assuming good intent especially in fairly like-minded communities is usually a good idea. xo
Emily, +1!
This post reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by the great Anne Lamott: “You can’t run alongside your grown children with sunscreen and ChapStick on their hero’s journey.”
A wise friend said to me about parenting tweens and teens, “You have to be the shore so they can ride the waves.” I think about it all the time.
Now that our oldest has his driver’s license, this resonates so much. We have always been a sit down for family dinner kind of family. Now, at least once or twice a week, he texts that he and his friends are heading to chipotle after XC practice and he won’t be home for dinner. He knows we’re there as a landing space, and that we’d be thrilled to have him. But we’re also ok with him spreading his wings a bit these days.
My mom was more likely to falter in the smaller day to day stuff, but in a crisis or a big life moment, she was really able to step up to the plate. My first semester of college, I had that typical breakup with my high school boyfriend. It was messy and I was in a new place and still building my life and my friend circle. My mom drove the four hours to my campus, took me to get tea and a muffin at the one coffee shop in the rural town, bought me a gift card so I could get a few more comfort tea lattes, then got back in the car and drove four hours home. Made this all seem v casual, nonchalant, not a big deal, so it’s only in adulthood that I realized how much of a big deal that was on her part.
Your post made me remember when my mom did this for me in college! I had completely forgotten. She was not a mom that I was particularly open with, so the fact that she did this even more wonderful.
I just had to say – Toby in this photo looks like your brother (from photos you have posted) – it’s so cute! Also – great advice!
I have two teens right now, and one of them is leaving for university in a month. I’m actually quite amazed at how my co they want to chat and hang out with us. But something I have kept to is when they want to share something with me, I will often right away ask how they feel or what they think about what they are telling me. I try and give a neutral reaction that is not a judgement of good or bad so I can gage their take on the situation…then follow suit. Or follow up with asking further questions! Teens… so much more fun than I thought it would be.
Yes! ______ joy or _______ trouble is a great framing for many things for those of us who aren’t the best at moderation :)
Oh no, I’m going to be so bad at this! I’m only ever over or under reacting to *everything.* Hopefully my kids will take after me and not even notice?
I am thinking the same thing. I always over/under react. I don’t know if I would be able to turn my natural self off. Oh no!
Ahahahaha! I love this comment. I totally understand the thought behind trying to just be there and listen, and at the same time feel like some people feel things more than others and that’s ok for your kids to know that too. :)
SFLove and Kell…maybe that is the other perspective we should all keep in mind. While I think this post gives great advice (especially if you are not sure how to react to a volatile teen), I don’t think it is the only correct advice. I mean, you need to be who you are as a parent and that is part of the charm and joy of the parent-child relationship. By being yourself, you are giving your child permission to be themselves, and that is very positive! I can’t imagine there is only one correct way to respond to our offspring. The world is a big place full of very different people so being yourself and having heartfelt reactions seems like a good plan. And when you are not sure how to react to your teen, remember this advice and apply!
Recently my brother found one of my journals from when I was about 13 or 14. It was fun to read, including this gem, “To calm down, I roll my eyes and take ten deep breaths and start screeching.” My kids heard me laughing so I shared it with them. They loved it and I think it was good for me to remember (and them to learn) I definitely wasn’t always calm and collected back then. Now it’s become our go-to phrase when they are really upset. “Remember the plan – we roll our eyes, take ten deep breaths, and start screeching.”
omg Lora this made me laugh so hard. screeching!!
This is flipping hysterical. Gonna keep it in mind for myself
Our schedules and personalities don’t often match, but the stars aligned and I’ve just had a gorgeous week with my kids (14 and 20), watching the movie “The Salt Path”, the TV show “Jury Duty”, going on a 3 hour hike, folding origami cats, pretending to live in the rooms at Ikea, doing youtube pilates, driving around singing along to 90’s music. What helped make it so good was making sure everyone was fed before they got hungry, not giving advice or trying to have deep conversations and also taking breaks from each other.
The best!! Happy you got this special week.
Readers, a teen gift related SOS question!! I’m looking for a 18th birthday gift for a very cool young woman. She’s been going through a hard time lately, dropped out of high school in recovery for an ED, and I just want to get her something that makes her feel extra loved and special. I’m thinking jewelry (like a lovely gold hoop, would take any recommendations!), or a fragrance, or experience- something non clothing, non tech, that she’ll have a for a long time- budget is about $200. Anything that another very cool Gen Z girl has loved would be welcomed. Thank you!!
A few years ago a loved one (early 20s) was in the hospital for a similar issue and I made her a care package that I know meant a lot to her. I put in the following: – bar of soap I love – various teabags I like – plant clippings (she’s really into houseplants) – plant saucers (for the same reason) – nice fingerless gloves – a pair of my favorite socks – fresh ginger + instructions written down for brewing it (basically, chop into tiny pieces and add to a saucepan full of cold water, then bring to a boil) – pantry ingredients to make wakame udon (i.e., dashi packets, dried udon, dried seaweed) – some fancy chocolates and fun gummies I knew she’d like – chapstick – mint Boom Booms (these are a ridiculous Shark Tank invention but have changed my life) – a card – a fun piece of art Other potential items I had considered were a scarf, body scrub, seed packets, etc. Obviously these things depend somewhat on the person but if you know a few of her interests/likes, that’s a great starting point.
also forgot to add – in my case the issue wasn’t eating-related, so perhaps food/drink items wouldn’t be appropriate under your circumstances. But finding little tokens of love (clothing, art/crafts, little handwritten notes etc.) that suit her personality is the main point. Also rereading your comment, I am now remembering that I threw in a pair of my favorite stud earrings as well, from GLDN – they’re pretty affordable. Just sharing this idea since if it appeals to you, you can make your budget go even further by getting smaller things that add up to to more than the sum of their parts (or sum monetary total), in my opinion!
Fragrance is a great idea and the bottle/packing is always great. An experience right now might be tricky with recovery for ED. Hoops also a winning idea x
Experience-adjacent…what about gear for a particular activity she is interested in? Like nice hiking boots, a snowboard, a guitar, a cricut machine for art?
For beautiful jewelry that is heirloom quality but at affordable prices, I can highly recommend GLDN! I have two pairs of their earrings and they are truly so lovely. Plus their packaging and customer service is really top-notch. Here’s a link to some of their hoops! https://gldn.com/collections/hoops?tab=products&productsPage=2
That’s really sweet, Laura. Does she have any special interests? If there’s something that brings her joy, even if it feels a little overdone to her friends and family, that’s a great direction to go. Something unrelated to physical appearance all together could be a win if that’s not an area of special interest for her.
As a graduation gift for a lovely 18 yr old I got an initial necklace from mejuri. They have gold or silver and different lengths. She seemed to love it in case this helps!
The real gift is having someone who believes in her as it seems like you do ❤️ But alas, as someone who loves giving and receiving beautiful gifts, I’ll share with you these earrings which I find elegant and versatile: https://ashabyadm.com/products/flower-hoop-la
I love this! This is really random, but when I went to college, I was gifted a beautiful blanket. I had it for 20+ years (until my dog ate a large chunk of it and had to have it removed, but that’s a story for another day). I remember thinking it was a strange gift for college when I received it, but it became one of my most beloved items and it always brought me comfort. In turn, I gifted my friend’s daughter a blanket when she was headed for college and her mom has told me repeatedly it’s one of her most loved and treasured things. Moral of the story: Blankets are a hit! Thoughtful and comforting. With your budget, maybe you could find a beautiful quilt or vintage kantha quilt? Or, maybe a beautiful blanket and a piece of meaningful jewelry. I’m always a sucker for thoughtful jewelry and wear it as a talisman. Just some ideas. Whatever you end up with, I’m sure it will be loved and appreciated for the kindness behind it! :)
My Gen Z teen has had very delicate gold stacking rings for several years and consistently loved them. We added a delicate signet ring for graduation and that seems to be a favorite, too.
Jewellery for sure. This specifically. https://www.catbirdnyc.com/cygnet-ring-yellow-gold-2047.html
My 18 year old girl is loving the Summer I Turned Pretty collection from Catbird. She has several of their items on her birthday list. The signet ring is just lovely and would make a great long term keepsake gift.
Laura – what a thoughtful message! When I finished university, a family friend gifted me a silver talisman pendant from Pyrrah. Over a decade later I wear it every day. It is beautiful, timeless and well-made with so much meaning, that has evolved as I’ve grown since then. Here’s the website if you want to check it out: https://pyrrha.com/en-ca/collections/signature-talismans I hope you find the perfect gift for this young woman!
An old-school record player.
Is she into piercings? Ok, maybe that’s a can of worms. Haha. How about getting ear piercings? My teen got some various ear piercings (now 3 on each ear) and seems to love them and changing the earrings. I took her to the fancy piercing place where they poo-poo-ed the idea of using an earring gun like at Claire’s. She picked out her jewelry and they took their time to get the piercings in.
You can try Catbird for a pretty and interesting piece of jewelry: https://www.catbirdnyc.com/. Good luck!
My Gen Z sisters love cold hard ca$h along with time spent with me. Maybe a hike or art class?
hi! that’s really sweet and thoughtful of you to think. as someone that had a ED around that age, I would not have liked jewellery or a fragrance. similar to your cues about avoiding clothes, I wouldn’t have liked anything related to my body or my looks. But that’s such a personal experience and maybe you noticed that she already enjoys wearing earrings or other.. If so, go for it! On a similar note, I would try to ask her lead, does she have hobbies or interests?
How about a point and shoot digital canera if she doesn’t already have one? They’ve made a resurgence with the gen z crowd despite phone cameras being ubiquitous.
Recent success with https://www.mantrabrand.com/ and gifting an experience aligned with hobby/ interest. In this cass it was a surfing lesson but could be a play, art class, a spa day etc.
I think nice quality jewellery at that age is so precious, especially if they are having other issues with appearance – jewellery always fits and has no size attached. Mejuri has some nice stuff that feels high quality but isn’t too expensive. My dad gave me some diamond studs for my 18th birthday and they’ve been precious to me ever since. My best friend went through a severe ED at the same age and it was a really painful journey — but she is now thriving, has been for a good while, and I wish the same for the special teen in your life.
You’re so thoughtful to be taking this care to show her love-already know anything you give will be extra special. I often give birth flower necklaces as a special gift (like this one https://www.ableclothing.com/collections/jewelry/products/bloom-birth-month-necklace) or anything from this brand has been a winner in my mind https://mejuri.com/products/easy-huggie-hoops?Material=14k+Yellow+Gold. You could also wrap jewelry with a special journal, writing pens, etc, just to give her an extra place to share her thoughts. Sending you both lots of love!
All the cool girls in my university town are wearing contemporary clover pendants; https://yojaniboutique.com/products/majorelle-necklace-onyx?variant=52708485267747&country=AU¤cy=AUD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20603011395&gbraid=0AAAAAp16JfgYURkB68dv7gYpVC54sGd6P&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtMHEBhC-ARIsABua5iTQrZi_r0UN8fcc_LsoTe_shc9-Jf2b90dWYDk4dRbY3Afjdrp-McsaAnepEALw_wcB
Pearl studs would be a nice and very timeless thing (I’ve received a pair from my mother 15-ish years ago, and I am still wearing them regularly). Or a necklace with a tiny diamond. I got one a year ago from the etsy seller DIAMONDFORLOVE (https://www.etsy.com/ch/shop/DIAMONDFORLOVE), and have been wearing it non-stop and it’s held up really well so far.
Hi Laura, my daughter is 19 and for her 18th birthday I gave her jewellery from Astrid & Miyu. They have some lovely, simple designs, it feels special and comes in perfectly within your budget. https://us.astridandmiyu.com/?country=US
Another yes to a lovely piece of jewelry! When I was in college my favorite aunt gave me a really beautiful pair of simple but high quality hoop earrings. They felt so grown up and special. I still have them over 15 years later and wear them all the time!
Echoing all the other comments that recommend jewellery but with the gentle caution that rings (and maybe also bracelets) might be best avoided… ring and bracelet sizes absolutely DO change with weight loss/gain in a way that earrings, for example, do not. Not being able to wear something that previously fit can be a massive hurdle in ED recovery. You sound like such a kind and thoughtful friend.
I know you said no clothes but if it’s not ordinarily in her budget, what about some Dr Martins? I’m pretty sure Gen Z loves these and they double as professional wear for most entry level jobs.
Looking at what others said, I really love the blanket idea. What’s better than a cozy blanket to engulf yourself in when you are having a challenging time? It’s like a big hug from you. Fragrances can be so personal that I would avoid it, and I agree that rings and bracelets, which are sized, can be triggers for someone in recovery from an ED. I love the more meaningful ideas like the talisman necklace or symbolic pendants that indicate strength or hope or the future. So kind that you are thinking of this young person – they are lucky to have you in their life!
Ok it’s going to sounds basic (and maybe not as sentimental as what you’re aiming for) but I have two kids around this age and Gen Z really values a comfy slipper upgrade. Think UGGS or Bombas. Something they can wear around the house but also out to get coffee. Wishing the best for your young friend.
Readers, I’m teary and speechless! This special, ultra cool young woman is my baby sister. She’s been in recovery for years, and as she turns 18 this journey feels even more intimidating and scary. I’ve felt so caught in a web of anxiety, but in this moment- all these strangers reaching from across the world to help her feel special- I feel held, and she does too. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
One fragrance that I love and got me started on my perfume journey is Glossier You. They have other variations now, but the OG is still my favorite, and comes in multiple size options, so it could be a great add on to a piece of jewelry!!
A charm bracelet (thomas sabo or pandora have nice ones) with a special charm or two. And you can always add on in the future. I’ve done this for my children and godchild who all have very different taste but they all love it and are excited for every new charm marking an experience/achievement or just because. The size of the thomas sabo one is super flexible if that’s a concern
Great advice – my tween just lost a simple raffle and as we drove home I was rationalizing how at least it was fun completing the requirements to enter, etc…, and he cut me off, “Mom, you’re talking about it too much and making me think about it more and I don’t want to.” I love Maria’s comment about using “neutral face”. Will have to work on that! It is certainly a transition from my elementary kid who still wants to be celebrated enormously!
It’s like, the most relieving thing to hear about parents making solid tries and still striking out with their kids. And having their kids advocate for themselves with presence and language I couldn’t have fathomed at their age. Which isn’t such a strike out after all. I have a 5 year old and I’m absolutely going to start attempting to aim my inner exclamation points at 2 degrees closer to baseline (either direction) than theirs going forward. As a middle child who was starved for attention and understanding raising a very well-fed solo child, I’m sure I’ve been more Christina Aguilera while he’s been needing a little more Sadé.
The Sade / Aguilera analogy made me belly laugh. Thanks for the late evening giggles, Ana Devine! Wishing you luck finding your smooth jazz enthusiasm register 💕
I still remember some CoJ advice that said remember that teenagers have two sides: the philosophical side that is passionate about engaging with the world, and the moody self-absorbed side, and to address whichever side you wanted to see more of. I don’t parent teens, but I did direct a summer camp that primarily staffed them, and the difference the summer before that advice versus after could not be more different. That first summer I micromanaged and was constantly butting heads; the second summer I would tell them to figure out what worked for their campers and that I trusted them – they exceeded all expectations and it was truly the best working summer I’ve ever had. I went on to write them all glowing general letters of recommendation, and a few apparently went in to their college applications.
Betsy, this is fascinating. Could you give an example of how you put this advice into practice? Struggling a little at our house with a teen leaning into their moody side.
CGA2 (can I call you CG for short? 😂), I don’t know – I got to know a little about what they were passionate about during the interview process, told them in training what constituted an emergency that needed director intervention and told them for everything else try a solution as a team before asking me, gave a lot of on-site praise in front of others, had a review process where I had detailed notes of what they were doing well and asked for feedback to help me grow.
I think of my teen as a toddler who is bigger than me. This helps keep the emotional roller coaster in perspective. Also, I try to model to good phone habits, ie practice what I preach. Of course, my inner Masshole comes out when I drive, so there are some limits to which good habits I can model. I acknowledge my hypocrisy when I run a yellow.
Oof, I am nowhere near the teenage years yet, but I will tuck this sage advice away for later. I’m still very much in the stage of going bananas when my toddler uses the potty by herself. Every day is a celebration!
My 9 year old daughter has just ramped hard into tweendom! I can see her practice eye rolling – like she’s doing it to me and I can see her mind working, telling herself she didn’t do it with enough emphasis and then doing it again! Any podcast or book recommendation!?! I have just been trying to be a steady rock but my goodness some of the things she says are rude!
I hear you! I think the We Can Do Hard Things Episode with Dr Becky is pretty good for understanding why some of the things they do can be triggering for you. I try to remember its just a phase and they are figuring things out, but also because they are figuring things out, there are sometimes when I do tell my kids, I know you are joking/disagree whatever it is but the way you said that hurt my feelings – they are figuring things out so a gentle reminder that they can hurt someone else’s feelings with their words or actions is good once in a while
The book, Good Inside, has been so helpful for understanding/ parenting our 9 year old. May the odds be ever in your favor.
YES. “Parent Yourself First” by Bryana Kappadakunnel. Came out this year and it’s the book we’ve all been waiting for. She knocked it out of the park. It’s like an effing decoder ring to the hardest hard parts of parent-child conflict.
Untangled by Lisa Damour
Ask Lisa Podcast by Dr Lisa Damour is the gold standard for podcasts about teens. All of her books are outstanding too!
Hi Alex! I have a 13 yo and we are full on into the rudeness, for which I am trying to be a steady mountain. The words bounce and slip past me but don’t budge or affect me. Every child is different and this book may not work for you (I did not love the negative words), but the jist of the book really helped me with my daughter: https://www.betweenparentspodcast.com/blog/book-review-get-out-of-my-life-but-first-could-you-drive-me-cheryl-to-the-mall/ The other advice I have tried to follow is to strengthen your adult friendships- you are going to need friends to help get you through these times and give you a hug when you are no longer getting them from your daughter. Good luck!
Thank you all so much! Such kindness!!
This is so timely- thank you! We switched middle schools and today was the first day. I have been buying supplies and uniforms and saying way too many reminders. Don’t forget your gym clothes, make sure to…etc. My 12 yr old kid said “why are acting like we are preparing for war?” Haha- he got me. I have tried to relax a little since that moment. I love your advice with emotional reactions- I’m gonna try to keep it close by.
“for war” hahahahahaha — love that
Laughing loudly out loud Re: preparing for war. LOVE IT
Gretchen! This made me laugh so hard! :)
Remembering it’s usual a VENT request not a problem solving in the moment, moment. When our son started calling us by our first names (and still does) as a quick signal that he’s venting in a space of trust it was such a great strategy on his part. And appreciated clarity for us.
This makes so much sense! My 15 year old son just got his first job this summer and last week he was awarded “Lifeguard of the Week”! I was so proud of course and expressed my excitement and he straight up told me that my reaction was making him mad about winning. I guess I way overreacted and should have just pat him on the back and said, “Proud of you, bud.” and let that be it.
I think in general, when we get bananas excited about achievements we accidentally put pressure on people to stay that high. But what goes up must come down and kids especiallh are prone to black and white thinking. “If they took me out for dinner for acing my exam, they must be so ashamed of me that I failed this one.”Let’s instead go bananas about intrinsic qualities; wisdom, kindness, contentment, things much easier to maintain.
So if my kid ever gets “lifeguard of the week” I’m going to have to play it cool? That is not going to be possible. I’m going to be so bad at this! Haha!
This is great advice. When I was getting so excited about my teens job interviews she said, mum, please don’t do that or I won’t want to tell you. I haven’t got the job. I feel like it will make me not get it. And it’s just the interview. Noted! What you said about running along side them and holding the water has never been more relevant to us this year and also that it’s going to be trial and error. Sometimes they do like you’re over the top enthusiasm and they need you to listen and not take things personally. Most importantly to move on! Don’t ruminate or bring things up again and again.
My twenty-year-old and I were driving to get some last minute things for her off-campus house she’s moving into next week and she said, “You know, Mom, this is most likely my last summer home. I’ll probably have an internship or something next summer.” I knew it was most likely the case, but it hit me in a new way when she said it out loud. I replied, “Well, I feel like I need to make a list of things I haven’t talked to you about yet or taught you as your mom.” She laughed and then said, “I feel like I’ve learned a lot on how to live from watching you and dad instead of us talking about it. Dad didn’t tell me to be independent, but he can fix all the stuff in our house and that makes me want to know how to do that and I learned a lot of it from watching or helping him. You guys always had lots of friends around growing up and that has made me want to have that kind of community too. And then on the other hand, I remember when you bought that car that was a stretch financially and it stressed you and dad out and so I don’t want to do that. I’m probably more careful with my money because of that instance than you and dad just telling me to save money. Also, did you and dad get your will done yet cause you need to do that.” So, sending my adult off into the world, and realizing that it’s not just the conversations we had, but how we lived that inform who our kids become. And I called a lawyer about a will later that day.
What an amazing conversation! I hope you feel so proud of the examples you set and the child you’ve raised/are raising. “You guys always had lots of friends around growing up and that has made me want to have that kind of community too.” = goals (I have a 6 yo, 3 yo, and 7 mo and this is what I want more than anything for them to take away from our family.
Weeping, Bertie. You have done (are doing) beautifully.
wow
This reads like a scene in a coming of age movie!
Love this! We are hitting the angst stage with my 12 year old and it feels INTENSE. I try my best to just ride the waves and not respond too much when her disgust/annoyance is directed at me. I appreciate these comments.
Emily, I feel you!! you might enjoy this post (or at least find solidarity): https://cupofjo.com/2023/02/20/preteens-teenagers-moody-moods/
I remember reading (and loving) that post and it is definitely timely so thank you for the reminder!!
Be honest. Don’t be a doormat. Have expectations of decent behaviour but not of their future career choices. And if they need a lift late at night – do it.
Totally agree Annie. I’m concerned about my daughter’s choice of career, however, I’m letting it go. And always do the late lifts.