Puberty, Meet Perimenopause.
The other morning, a long, alarming wail came from across our apartment. I went running and found my 12-year-old daughter sitting in front of her closet surrounded by a mountain of clothing. “I have NOTHING TO WEAR!” she cried from the fetal position. “Everything looks so BAAAAAAAD! I can’t leave the house like this!!!!”
Reader, the girl has plenty of “good” clothes. New clothes and hand-me-downs from very cool teenagers in our orbit. But this was entirely beside the point — nothing worked on her growing body today. And, like so many things with pre-teens, today felt like an emergency.
In an attempt to help, I pulled out item after item — this? this? — and she simply yelled, “It’s ugly!! It’s all so UGLY!!!!”
My first reaction was, of course, utter annoyance. We had somewhere to be. “Wear what you wore yesterday!” I wanted to yell back. “You liked it yesterday! It’s still fine.”
But I had a secret I couldn’t share: my bed was also littered with rejects. T-shirts, blouses, jeans, jumpsuits, dresses, all the things I’d tried on that very morning that also didn’t work. I, too, was in a state of hating every single item of clothing I owned, of not recognizing my body in them. I also felt like everything looked and felt absolutely horrible and wrong. I also did not want to leave the house.
Puberty, meet perimenopause.
***
Both transitional states bring to mind my favorite saying by Buddhist nun Pema Chödrön: “Sudden is the result of a lot of gradual.”
I’m 47 now, and for years, I’ve been clocking small changes to my body — my periods have been getting heavier and more frequent; I’m finding odd spots on my face I need the dermatologist to freeze off; my weight has been creeping up; I have such intense brain fog and forgetfulness that, until all my friends told me they were as memory-deficient as I am, I worried I had early-onset Alzheimers. (I recently asked a group of girlfriends, “What’s that thing you put on the table during a dinner party to serve water?” “A pitcher?” one of them helpfully supplied.)
It was all vaguely comical until one day, seemingly out of the blue, nothing fit. Not the denim jumpsuit I’d been wearing for years, or the T-shirts I spent most of my days in. Jeans I had just bought were too snug. My bras pinched everywhere. Had I changed a single thing about my eating or exercise habits? No. It was simply my shifting hormones coming for my wardrobe.
And there were other odd, inexplicable changes: my skin was tender; my scalp itched; my sore breasts seemed to be growing (!?). I was incredibly tired, even when I’d had a full night of sleep. My cholesterol sky-rocketed. I felt in less control of my emotional landscape than I’d ever been – my urge to slam doors was as strong as it had been in the scariest months of lockdown.
My body — my whole being, in fact — felt utterly out of my control, just like my daughter’s did to her. And all at the same time!
Much has been written about puberty, of course. My daughter and I have both read the entire Judy Blume collection multiple times over, the vast Baby-Sitters Club opus, as well as all those The Care and Keeping of You books. We’ve talked about breasts and periods, and she has a little pouch prepared in her backpack for when that time comes. Whenever my daughter has found herself in a heap on the floor, crying about God knows what, we’ve talked a lot about how hormones can rush through your body, and how it’s normal and will pass. I’m trying to make the whole ride feel as ordinary — and transparent — as can be.
There is, of course, so much less known about the slide out of our fertile years. That said, I feel enormously lucky to be going through perimenopause when it has firmly planted itself in the cultural zeitgeist. My social media feed has been flooded by female physicians who specialize in The Transition, and I’ve listened to an absurd number of podcasts and read a gazillion books — The New Menopause, Grown Woman Talk, How to Menopause. I follow Dr. Jen Gunter, Dr. Amy Shah, Dr. Kelly Casperson and many others on social media. I am eating my protein and lifting my weights; I’m adding in fiber and limiting alcohol. I’ve made an appointment with my ob-gyn to talk about hormone replacement therapy. Like my daughter, I am learning how to live in this new era of my life.
I thought that going through perimenopause at the same time that my daughter was going through puberty would help grow my stores of compassion and patience for her — I could directly relate to the hormonal surges, to the weirdness of living in a changing body, to the mood swings! But it’s actually working the other way around: she is helping me. Watching her muddle her way through the inevitable changes reminds me that what I’m going through is real, too.
Unlike our own mothers, who were told to grin and bear the hot flashes, the night sweats, the brain fog, the weight gain, the fury, and the lack of sleep, I am learning to treat my own transition with as much respect, curiosity, care, and medical attention as I want my daughter to treat hers.
I, too, am adapting to my changing body. I, too, occasionally find myself crying for no reason. I, too, am mourning the end of one part of my life — making the babies! — and bravely walking into what’s next. I, too, am scared of growing older. My face and breasts and hips and belly are looking and feeling different. My feelings feel bigger. And I’m learning to tell myself that this is as normal as it was when it happened to me in reverse, 35 years ago.
When I look at my daughter entering this new stage of her life, it is obvious to me what a monumental, difficult, beautiful thing it is to become a woman. I want her to walk through it with grit and self-love and patience. And she is teaching me to want that for myself, too.
Abigail Rasminsky is a writer and editor based in Los Angeles. She teaches creative writing at the Keck School of Medicine of USC and writes the weekly newsletter, People + Bodies. She has also written for Cup of Jo on many topics, including marriage, preteens, loss, and only children.
P.S. Perimenopause: the board game and welcome to your cronehood. Also, 11 pressing questions for an ob-gyn.
(Photo by Anna Malkova/Stocksy.)
Comments
198 commentsAt 43, I can feel myself changing. My weight lives in my belly now. Getting a good night’s sleep starts in the morning with exercise, sunlight and protein. I am plucking ever more hair from my neck. I am getting treated for ADHD. I go to therapy. I had better not drink alcohol because I will be incompetent for days. I have to eat mostly anti inflammatory foods or the joint pain overrules my entire life. It’s quite the adjustment, but not all terrible. I can feel myself changing brain shifting into something else. I remember working with older women in my twenties and wondering if I could ever be that wise. They say our brains do shift in peri-menopause and it may even count as another adolescence. We get ready to become matriarchs, to lead our families and societies. Often women achieve this leadership with compassion, empathy and pure grit. I’m seeing it everywhere. My friends are slowly becoming leaders in their fields. Their opinion has value and they are creating positive change every day. It is magical to be a part of a world that is beginning to value women in the workplace and at home. I see the crows feet under my eyes and i mourn a younger face, all the while looking ahead to how I will leave my mark in the world.
I am 52 and have only had two periods this year, April and May (thank GOD). I just started on HRT a month ago, along with an entire list of supplements. The biggest problem I’m having is that I haven’t slept through the night since MARCH. I’m so effing tired and I’m not functioning well because of it. I just can’t live like this and I don’t know what else to do. My poor family is watching me fall apart, and there’s nothing they can do about it. I’ve seen three different doctors, and just spent over $2,000 out of pocket for a functional medicine doctor, which was also pointless. I can go to sleep just fine, but I wake up and can’t get back to sleep for a couple of hours. I feel hopeless that I’ll ever sleep through the night again.
Just wanting to say ‘Me,Me,Me!’ I am 39 & I know I am peri menopausal but no-one believes me. Been on SSRIs (prescribed as Dr puts it down to post natal) these have helped alot but stopping as my weight gain (2 stone in 2 years). I’ve done all the work: water, weights, 3 X week, 8k steps a day etc etc and the vanity is killing me….just can’t get past the weight gain. I am now at the weight I was full term when having my babies. My judgey past catching up with me of ‘well if you just moved more & ate less the weight would go’ NOPE So commenting to say ‘its crap to be here’
So, so relatable. Also thankful for this time and the way current women are advocating and pushing for better treatments. For anyone struggling with this, seek out a functional med doctor if needed. My gyn is just a couple years older than me, but offered nothing. A functional med doctor put me on fairly low dose of progesterone and it has been life changing. I sleep like I did in my 20s again and that has helped everything- the brain fog, even the weight gain. I’ve actually lost a couple pounds where as before all my diet changes and excercise managed to do was stabilze my weight.
Saw a post the other day that called perimenopause “Cougar Puberty” and that’s all I’ll be calling it from now on, thanks so much.
My husband wants to move out as Im menopausal and my 13 year old is at puberty. its so much fun! What did make me giggle the other day was seeing menopause called “cougar puberty” and from now on, that’s what I am going to call it!
Great piece! My new book, MILLENNIAL MENOPAUSE: PREPARING FOR PERIMENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, AND LIFE’S NEXT PERIOD, covers all the symptoms, treatment options, and resources so that women (and those who love them) aren’t caught off guard when they start to experience this transition — let’s not be scared but embrace it with curiosity, just like you describe!
Hello Ladies, such a hot topic!! I am 50, in perimenopause since 4 years and as I had a breast cancer when I was 31 yo, my doctors do not agree to give me HRT… I had a lot of night sweats, hot flashes, brain fog and many episodes of panic and depression. It is not easy. For hot flashes, I take VEOZA, which is without hormones and works wonderfully. I take Antidepressant too but I still have moments of rage, despair or panic due to hormonal imbalance. I see how important it is to exercise, this is the real way to feel better. Still I think the best option remains HRT if you can take it ( unfortunately not my case). Take care Ladies!!
But what did she wear?!
When I went through menopause, I was so grateful to my husband—because his first wife was several years his senior, so he had actually gone through the experience of partnering someone in menopause before. It was so helpful to have someone say, “that’s completely normal!”
Where was all the writing on perimenopause and menopause when I went through it?! I entered perimenopause at about 48, became menopausal at 58, and endured about 15 hellish years of insomnia and up to 25 hot flashes a day. My healthcare provider declined to offer me any relief other than black cohosh which gave me breakthrough bleeding, and evening primrose oil which did nothing. She would not prescribe HRT, SSRIs or Gabapentin. Thank goodness I did not suffer from mood swings or depression, I was just insanely hot and unfortunately living in Florida. I hope the information, discussion and community offers people experiencing these changes help which I didn’t receive. Keep talking and sharing!
I ended getting HRT from a private company/doctor. Renew Youth ( if. anyone is interested). My Kaiser doctor offered minimal help. I started getting depressed every month for a good 5 to 7 days and I’m a glass half full , sunny person. It was bad. I urge an6 woman to do it as soon as you notice any “ can’t live with” symptoms. There is no need to suffer. It’s a different journey for everyone.
Reading the article and all the comments really takes me back to my own – 27 years ago experiences – of perimenopause. My cycle was nausea mid cycle, sore breast the last half, and a ranging headache nearly all the time. I had a 2 year old and a 7 year old I was home schooling. I don’t know if my care was so limited because I live in a rural area – but with a medical school!! – but there was no offer of care other than commiseration. I really struggled. Yes – it all passed and I lived to tell the tale, but I really struggled and the experience really impacted my sense of self worth. It was a dark time for me. And I know I could have been a steadier, more consistent, empathetic, happier woman, wife, mother. I am crazy glad that women today have information and options. My advice is to take care of yourselves by the means that works best for you – HRT, running, changing your diet, meditation, etc. Just take good care of yourself.
Wow – this is such a wonderful piece. I’m so grateful to writers like you who are sharing more about their perimenopause experience – to normalize it – so, when I get there I feel more validated and less alone. Thank you for sharing this, Cup of Jo!
My women’s health nurse practitioner recommended using this site to help better understand my symptoms and treatment options and it really was helpful! https://mymenoplan.org/create-my-menoplan/ Menopause forces your hand on a lot of things and after years of taking care of children, aging parents (and still doing so)….boom, you need to look after yourself, advocate for yourself and seek help as, where, and however you need to. Thanks as always for taking on these topics to share information and foster community CoJ team.
This is such a treat to read! Many days I think the biggest challenge of perimenopause is acceptance. As is often the case, kids help us see things simply. I too am 47 with a ten year old son. Thank you for this beautiful essay.
I never had any problems with periods or fertility or postpartum. After I had my 5th baby in March of 2023, I turned 37 and my entire world turned upside down. A lifelong slump over and sleep anywhere at anytime kinda girl turned insomniac, intense panic, digestive issues, dry mouth, so much anxiety. The transition from postpartum to perimenopause has led me to so many providers and has been harrowing. It helps to know I’m not alone and this experience has softened my rough edges and given me so much more compassion for people who in my former life I would’ve thought need to just get it together, eat right, exercise and sleep and it’ll fix everything. The doctors also think I experienced postpartum thyroiditis – if you’re postpartum and having really intense symptoms (in addition to your hormones), I definitely recommend having ALL your thyroid levels checked.
Can someone please recommend a good book on perimenopause? Better if this author writes one. What she tells resonates with me on so many levels. I really need a guide to navigate this roller coaster!
The New Menopause by Dr Mary Claire Haver. Her socials are awesome resources too.
Highly recommend The New Menopause –https://shop.blackpearlbookstore.com/item/ZoOPMvNQhqZSPz3yR8sNEQ
I just heard this author interviewed on a podcast. I haven’t read the book but it sounds like it might be what you are looking for. Millenial Menopause by Lauren Tetenbaum https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Millennial-Menopause/Lauren-A-Tetenbaum/9781646048106
Dr. Heather Hirsch just wrote one. She explains things in easy to understand language.
For those in Australia, Kaz Cooke’s “It’s the Menopause” is excellent. Her books have been timely for me and got me through various life stages including pregnancy, babies and kids and now perfectly timed menopause book. Always funny and informative
MILLENNIAL MENOPAUSE: PREPARING FOR PERIMENOPAUSE, MENOPAUSE, AND LIFE’S NEXT PERIOD!
Yes to this post and this magical community of women! A few years ago, my then 8-year-old daughter sat in stunned witness as I sobbed on the kitchen floor because I couldn’t find a matching lid to a tupperware container. “You too will have strong irrational feelings that you find difficult to explain …” I wailed, fully aware of the discrepancy between the task and my reaction. It is a memory we refer back to frequently as she reads and asks questions about puberty. It feels like such a gift to be open with her about how her body will change and what it can feel like at both ends – she will have so much more power in the transitions than I was given. A heads up to those just starting the journey — I had symptoms for a few years – heart palpitations, changing periodicity of my cycle, very dry eyes, feeling almost narcoleptic late afternoons — some recognizable as perimenopause and some a surprise — and then I feel into a well of depression unlike anything I had ever experienced. I had NO idea this is a common symptom of perimenopause and thanks to a responsive GM and HRT, it took a couple months on estrogen and progesterone before I woke up and recognized myself. I’ve since learned that this IS common. Sometimes SSRIs are necessary, HRT isn’t right for everyone, but for me, I think there’s a good chance they literally saved my life. The biggest recommendation I can make is to advocate for yourself – you are not crazy, you do not have to just live in discomfort, you are not “too young”. You know you. Along with many of the recommendations listed in the comments, I found Dr. Lisa Mosconi’s multiple books and podcast appearances really informative – making the connection between puberty, pregnancy (if applicable), and perimenopause.
oh my gosh thank you so much for this comment, karin. I feel the same about SSRIs, but for me the hormone shifts and depressions were around birthing my children. I’m wondering if this will come up again as I move through perimenopause/menopause, and I’m definitely keeping an eye on it. really appreciate your note. so glad you’re feeling better xoxoxoxo “you know you” = LOVE this.
Amen to “you know you”! I started perimenopause at the tail end of 36. Everyone said “you’re too young!” But I knew my body, I kept a list of my symptoms and advocated for myself. My biggest tip is hormones + getting rid of all the clothes that don’t fit! I felt a hell of a lot sexier when I bought brand new jeans in a larger size.
Where was this blog when I was 13 & wailing on the floor in my room?
I whole heartedly recommend this book: https://heathercorinna.com/project/what-fresh-hell-is-this-perimenopause-menopause-other-indignities-and-you-a-guide/ The author touches on so many things folks here have mentioned, but my favorite was the discussion of the weight gain many experience, particularly around the belly. It has been called a ‘spare tire’ but the author says it is more like a lifesaver float. Which was an interesting perspective especially in our culture that vilifies body fat and thinks bodies should be weirdly static once you’re an adult/adult-ish. Plus it is called “What Fresh Hell is This?” which is a great title.
I came on to recommend the same, Kay. I found it incredibly helpful and reassuring — and a fun read. Such a great balance of accessible science, compassion, and validation!
I came on to recommend the same, Kay. Such a great balance of accessible science, compassion, and validation!
Can anyone speak to how your medical provider lands on the amount of HRT/estrogen patch amount to prescribe? It felt very random to me – started with .1, dropped to .025, now at .05. And the progesterone amount hasn’t changed at all. I’ve looked online and can’t find any recommendations for determining amounts or standard of care.
Great question. I’d also like to hear more about this
Typically, a doctor should prescribe the lowest does to start (.025), and then after a month or two, if that dose has not helped your symptoms, then transition to the .05. They should never start you on the highest dose. That applies to any medicine.
I generally read to start at .025 estradiol and 100mg progesterone and give it 3 months because it can be up and down until it even out. Then they use your symptoms as a guide to increase the dose
Honestly it is a little random. But most doctors will start a woman in full menopause at 0.05. In perimenopause, a woman may need more or less estrogen to manage symptoms. It is always a good practice to find the minimum effective dose, and to give each dose change time to work, but not stay too long at a dose that isn’t working either. So it is very much an art as well as a science because labs are only so helpful in this case.
I signed up at Midi which is an online service where an NP who specializes in menopause guides you through your HRT. It was covered by my insurance, but I can also share what I learned. I did start off at .025 and then every month, went up to the next dose (they increase in .025 increments) monitoring symptoms. Because hormones fluctuate throughout the day and over the course of one’s cycle, lab tests are not helpful as they only capture a single snapshot. Everything is monitored via symptoms. I sort of think of estrogen as an upper and progesterone as a downer symptom wise. Progesterone helps with sleep and anxiety. I was gobsmacked at how I could finally sleep and ratcheted up too high to 300 and am now down to 1-200 depending on how insomniac I’m feeling. With estrogen, aside from the less noticeable symptoms (bone density, cardiovascular health), two big things I noticed were that 1/ that it took away the profound, can’t move exhaustion and 2/ inflammatory symptoms. When I forget to update my patch, I notice because I feel tired to the point that I can’t function, and some part of my body really starts hurting (lower back, my big toe which I was convinced was arthritic, other joints). A common symptom of too much estrogen is breast tenderness, and in my case, crazy PMS-y hormonal swings. I could pretty much tell straight away when I exceeded my ideal dose. Sorry to go into extreme detail but hoping this helps those who don’t have access to providers who can support them as they explore the right HRT dosages for them.
Melissa is correct about starting the lower sr dose, but whilst still having periods it can be hard to find the right level as your body is still naturally producing oestrogen at variable levels through the month. After periods have stopped it becomes easier to find a steady level. I think The Menopause Society should have information on the recommended guidelines? Also Dr Jen Gunter is good on this.
I’m 37 and am starting to feel a shift, and even though its subtle it can sometimes feel scary. Extra intense luteal phase, UTIs whenever I feel a tab overwhelmed, pms-insomnia, and so many more. So just wanted to say to the slightly older women out there…THANK YOU. Thank you for talking about this loudly and making this mainstream, because honestly, its early days for me but already I am so sad (and mad!) that for hundreds of year half the global population has been told to go through this on their own. Grateful my generation is more supported. <3<3
Gosh I feel like I could have written this, but of course not so well. :) I feel so seen! I’m 45, and it only recently dawned on me that all of the symptoms that I’ve been experiencing in the last 6 months were very likely related to perimenopause. Not the result of failings on my part, but the result of a change in my body that every woman goes through at some point. A true light bulb moment! It was comforting in some ways to know that it wasn’t just me falling apart for no reason or reasons I caused, there was a reason. I was talking to one of my kids the other day and described this season of my life as “adult puberty” and although the changes are of course very different, the notion of changes in your body that you can’t really control, can’t really understand, don’t really want, but you know its all normal, is very reminiscent of how I felt as an early teen. Thank you so much for this article!
Perimenopausestarted in my late 30s and I was fully in menopause by 41. It coincided (caused?) with a number of body changes that made me very grumpy about reaching middle age: needing reading glasses, suddenly high cholesterol, lower sex drive, and gaining 20 lbs (despite more exercise). Eight years after menopause, the hot flashes are subsiding! The vaginal estrogen cream is a game changer. Overall, prioritizing myself is now more important than before – eating well (not necessarily dieting, but choosing more whole foods and fewer processed food), getting good sleep, walks & runs outside, and lifting weights.
Testosterone and microdosing semaglutide under the guidance of a PA have been life changing for me at age 47! And while that may not work for everyone…what I encourage EVERY woman to do is find a medical provider who will listen to you and support your goals. I lost the 20 pounds of weight creep easily and safely, and the HRT has me feeling great and looking strong! It took me a few rounds of visits with different practitioners to find my girl….but it was time well spent!
What does it mean to “microdose semi-glutide”? I am genuinely curious!
I’m 35 and I’ve just been diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure – basically I’m going through the whole menopause experience very, very early. My doctor tells me that all my hormone levels are what she’d expect to see from someone who’s already post-menopausal. Total exhaustion, zero motivation, anxiety, brain fog, night sweats, the lot. I can hardly get anything done. I’m confused and heartbroken and feeling totally out-of-step with my womanhood. I love that we’re all talking about this experience more, and I wish I didn’t have to talk about it already. I wish I knew if I wanted kids or not, and I wish that choice was still mine to make. Being a woman is so, so beautiful – and so, so hard.
Sending you love, Natalia.
My feelings feel bigger. Love this line so much!
Seriously well written! Every word resonates and love the tone of the essay. It’s fiery, gentle, respectful, truthful…thanks so much for sharing.
I realized I had been dealing with perimenopause for 4 years already when I was 45 after COVID. I was effortlessly thin my whole life, and suddenly nothing fit. Night sweats, rage, depression, anxiety, heart palpitations and the worst: waking up at 4am every single night. Jesus! When I finally got the memo, I didn’t want to go into HRT immediately, so I’ve manage to…manage the symptoms with supplements, homeopathy, nutrition and exercise. My gynecologist prescribed Vitex, NAC, Sulphoraphane, Omega 3s, Magnesium and some other custom made ones. Vaginal estrogen cream has been a game changer. What also helped was really dialing in my nutrition and exercise routine (125g protein/day, 3x weekly heavy weight lifting, daily 10K walks – get a walking pad). It’s kind of a project, but the rewards are worth it. I am now 50. I can say I look and feel better than I have ever before in my life. Maybe it’s also because I really don’t give that many fucks anymore, to be honest.
Maria, this is inspiring! My goal from now on is to get stronger and give fewer fucks. So good to see someone really doing it!
Could we also add postpartum? I feel like we are just starting to talk about all the symptoms that go along with the massive hormonal shifts during and after birth. I had so many symptoms of what women are going through with perimenopause–terrible night sweats, insomnia, rage, anxiety… And yet my doctors simply prescribed an anti-depressant. No other explanation, support or options. A really good counselor saved my sanity!
Omg yes postpartum was like being a teenager again, especially with my first baby. The mood swings, the rage, the overwhelming love… I felt like my body was doing all of these inexplicable things again. The second one was much easier! Partly because my body had done it before and partly because I recognized and treated my postpartum anxiety right away (shout out to fluoxetine and my wonderful doctor).
Sending you a hug, Stephanie — I am 47 and so far perimenopause hasn’t been too horrible for me (although I definitely have some symptoms). In contrast, being postpartum with my first baby was just *awful.* My postpartum symptoms did get better, slowwwwwly. But it was not fun, especially when all the symptoms from hormonal swings were combined with the sleep deprivation of having a newborn. Hang in there! I’m glad you found a counselor who could help!
I was going through menopause and my daughter extremely bright and a strong vegan feminist was going through puberty things got ugly in our house..it was a wonder my husband didn’t build a tree house for himself.
What a beautiful piece! I don’t have a daughter (my son though is also almost 12) but my almost 47-year old self feels seen! My perimenopause experience has been very similar to yours (it sounds like), and I love the reminder to give myself and my changing body grace. Thank you, thank you!
Always love Abigail’s essays here. Thanks!
Yes, SAME!
I’m in the thick of postpartum at the age of 38 and it kills me to think that just when things start to feel “normal,” perimenopause will be knocking on my front door. I thought the postpartum hormonal funk was enough! I plan to breastfeed through the first year, so that will definitely prolong the feeling of not quite having my body/sex drive/clarity back. It just feels like I’m trading one transition for the other.
This. I just had our 4th baby (in the front seat of a moving car no less) and I am still reeling. Between nursing and impending perimenopause will I ever feel like myself again and be comfortable in my body??? Will I be a mess forever?
Thank you for sharing – while it’s in the discourse more these days, every time I read a new piece on perimenopause I learn something new. I hadn’t thought explicitly about it being the ‘other side’ of puberty before! I’m a few years off (mid-30s) yet but I’m curious to those who’ve gone through it how they’ve managed, thought about or (perhaps in rarer cases) avoided weight gain? I’ve found my weight creeping up every year to date, which I wish I didn’t care about, but the reality is I find it disheartening (fully acknowledging health at any size and the negative impacts of a fatphobic culture). I also have colleagues/relatives in their 50s who are thin and yet brush it off as easy or genetics – is it that simple? I’m conscious it can be a sensitive and fraught topic but curious to hear how others have grappled with this
I’ve always been built slim but now at 43, the weight has crept up slightly but more so is just distributed differently than it used to be. The part that truly bothers me is I like my clothes and don’t want to have to buy new ones to accommodate. I want the old favourites to fit! I’ve become quite ruthless with purging my wardrobe. I give things away more quickly if they don’t feel good and try to thrift more so I feel better about buying new clothes. I pay more attention to lifting weights and feeling strong so whenever I feel bad about the weight shift, I try to replace it with “but I’m so much stronger.” And I truly am grateful for a body that works most of the time.
Fraught, for sure. My doctor has been helpful for bouncing ideas off of. She doesn’t push any particular weight goal for me, rather we talk about how to stay healthy with a changing body. There’s cardiovascular disease in my family so I’m trying to manage my cholesterol through exercise & diet & a statin. She’s also encouraged me to lift weights and get enough calcium for healthy bones. None of those really are a magic bullet for keeping the weight off. I do feel stronger and more capable when I exercise. I focus on that.
One thing I’ll offer is that it is normal for bodies to gain weight as they age. I think we have an idea that our “set point” weight will remain stable, but that’s just not how human bodies are. Not saying there’s anything wrong with the desire to avoid weight gain, it’s understandable, but for the vast majority of people, it’s in our nature for bodies to change in this way.
Perimenopause and checking my period synching up with my teenaged daughter saved my life. I hadn’t had my period in a bit, but then I did in December with my daughter, so in January when she started her period, I checked my breasts to see if they were tender, which would mean I would be getting my period. Instead, I felt a lump, and there started all the things cancer this year (sadly, triple negative). So keep feeling your bodies, y’all, especially during this time. Know what little and big whispers are being communicated.
Sending you healing vibes and strength from New Hampshire!
So sorry to hear, Annie. Wishing you all the very best <3
Oh Jesus, I’m so sorry. Stage 4 here, if it gives you hope in any way, I was told I had 18 to 24 months, and that was five and a half years ago…. My best to you, I hope treatment side effects aren’t too severe.
Hi Annie–triple negative diagnosis for me also in April of this year. Thinking of you. This post is also so relevant, because yesterday at my chemo appointment, my doctor said I’d entered menopause when I asked why my period is late. It didn’t feel technically correct, so I’ve been researching cycles and chemo and menopause. Blurg. Anyway-Annie, I’m with you and holding lots of love. Amanda
This is specifically for Amanda, Cancer treatment the first time put me into (early) menopause. 5 years (5 years!!!) later I started getting my period again! Then when dx’d stage 4 I finally had my ovaries taken out. (So, I went through menopause twice. This is how I know God’s a man). In any case, I wanted to reassure you that cancer treatment will do very strange things to your period, including sudden menopause, depending on your age and treatment, your period possibly returning (this is rare-ish), etc, etc, etc. Since you’re triple negative ask if HRT is a possibility, if it isn’t and you are having hot flashes, lexapro may help. I was put on it for that reason, however it does cause weight gain and other unpleasant side effects, the trade off may not be worth it for you, but I was so profoundly depressed during my (first!) meno that I didn’t really have a choice. I’m so sorry about your Dx. I hope treatment isn’t too hard. I have to finish this now, so I can get to my appt at Sloan Kettering!
I feel this (and will feel it more so soon, when my 9.5 year old hits full-on puberty! The mood swings have started, though…). I’m 41 and have the hot nights, the mood swings, the heavy and painful periods and butt lightning (which is probably from endometriosis; both my sisters have it), and I recently found a new gyno who is wonderful and has taken so much time with me. We eventually settled on my trying birth control again after not being on it since my 20s. It has helped so much! I’m still moody/ragey sometimes, but I feel MUCH more steady than before, and my periods/pain are much more manageable. So just putting that out there that it’s an option between nothing and HRT.
Ok, Joy, the Real real here – I read this and had to open a private tab to google butt lightning. Craziest part? I have butt lightning in menopause and had no words to describe it! Now I feel super fancy and more than a little relieved that this is a thing. So thank you my fellow butt lighteninger.
Me too! And there’s certain ‘the pill” s that help especially with menopausal symptoms. Took 6 months to really get better so hang in there
Omg I was jolted awake on Sunday at 3am with butt lighting. It always goes away in 20 minutes but I feel like I’m going to have to go to the ER and tell a nurse “It feels like I’m being punched in the taint repeatedly!”
@Grace Farris LOL the taint (but I’m sorry you’re experiencing it!)
Birth control is hrt
Agree with the last comment – birth control is still hormones and often has higher hormone doses than HRT, but thanks to the historical misinformation around HRT and the need to personalize/ tweak dosing, birth control is often more appealing and/or seems easier. Something to consider. I had to do a lot of my own research to help navigate conversations with my doctor and feel comfortable with my prescription. Thankfully I had a very supportive pharmacist who was up to speed on the latest research around HRT.
Holy hell I needed this giggle this morning. It is awesome to have a fun term for one of the many weird things that happen to some of us while aging. Burt lightning is definitely going to help me laugh my way through the inevitable next “jolt” in the middle of the night. I seriously just thought it was me with *another* stupid and bizarre thing to add to my list of concerns and questions for my doctor.
Soooooo grateful for all my COJ big sisters holding up the lantern to demystify and light the way. Thank you ❤️
Hi from an acupuncturist (and fellow perimenopausal woman)! Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM, and other indigenous medicines) has been treating “menopause” for centuries. In TCM, the transition to menopause is an invitation to a “second spring.” There are tools (acupuncture & herbal medicine) to help transition with greater ease – I URGE you to seek out support like this during this transition – it can be immensely helpful, especially if you do not tolerate HRT well. I love treating perimenopausal/menopausal women. Plugging my own website – but I’m happy to point you in some general direction if Google search does not give you a good starting point in your local area.
I’d love to visit your website!
Totally believe in the benefits of accupuncture and Eastern medicines!
Hi Jeannie, another acupuncturist & peri-menopausal woman here! I echo everything you’ve said. How we view our ‘Second Spring’ is so important, sometimes if can be presented as a road to doom and gloom, but it is so much more than that. It’s a pleasure and a privilege to support women through these changes in life with Tradition Chinese Medicine, we have so much to offer and can work well with Western medicine too.
Acupuncture reduced my hot flashes by half and let me have a decent night’s sleep. Totally recommend it
I think the COJ community needs a communal peri rage scream. Belt it out all at once. LISTEN TO WOMEN
I feel so grateful to live in a time where this is discussed openly and starting to be taken seriously by medical professionals. Has anyone read All Fours? I had no idea what the book was about and it caught me by surprise. It was so raw and honest. I thought it was really well written.
I took it out from the library but am finding it a bit bawdy! I’m torn as whether to persevere
I also loved “The Slow Moon Climbs: The Science, History, and Meaning of Menopause” by Susan P. Mattern. It’s about why menopause exists, anthropologically. Perimenopausal women are a key part of how the human race survived. Fascinating if you’re a little nerdy about it all.
Oh, as a graduate with an anthropology major I’m excited to get this book! Thank you! This whole post could not have come at a better time. I absolutely do not recognize my own body. I have had a full blown rosacea flare for the past 7 months. ALL the things are happening! But, somehow, when I see my reflection (and don’t always readily recognize myself) I think, “she looks lovely” – it’s as if I’ve softened not only in bodily form, but my mind and heart are so much more gentle towards me, too. Also, elastic waist pants are saving my ever changing body – and emotions. There are lots of cute cotton and denim pants with elastic waists, just add a cute top (with sleeves to cover the new upper arm cellulite?!? If you care) and there’ll be no need to constantly try to find a pair of pants that fit. At the very least.
Feeling grateful to be going through perimenopause with this amazing community! My 12 year old daughter and I have almost ‘synched’ up our periods, as one does, and I told her when we do – we will be unstoppable with our rage and crying! Honestly though, we started a weekly ‘walk and talk’ to help me manage the low energy/weight gain and both of us manage all the ‘feels’ and it has become a silver lining of this whole stage – something I look forward to, especially because she has started really sharing her thoughts and dreams with me which is such a privilege.
Walk and talk, that’s lovely! There are so many feels to share.
OMG I love this beyond. Am totally going to steal!
This helps me, from Sandra Tsing Loh’s “The Madwoman in the Volvo”: The old story of menopause was that the change was when a woman lost her fertility and her essence and her marbles. But in fact, as I have seen with my own tween girls, before girls start their periods they are just a self-centered and brash and annoying and farty as the next person, babbling on about their own crap, much like anyone else. But then the periods start, and it’s all about boys, boys, boys, hair brushing to look cute for boys, boy bands, boy jeans, lipstick and eyeliner…and we lose them for a while to the cloud of fertility hormones, which makes them want to help people and serve people and cut up their sandwiches into ever-tinier squares. Thirty years later, though, look who’s back. Fifty year old Aunt Carol, throwing that leg of lamb right out the window. Because there never was a “real” aunt Carol. It was only fertility’s amped-up reproductive hormones that helped Aunt Carol thirty years ago to begin her mysterious automatic weekly ritual of roasting lamb just so and laying out twelve settings of silverware with an OCD-like attention to detail while cheerfully washing and folding and ironing the family laundry. No normal person would do that — look at the rest of the family: They are reading the paper and lazing about like rational, sensible people. And now that Aunt Carol’s hormonal cloud is finally wearing off, it’s not a tragedy, or an abnormality, or her going crazy — it just means she can rejoin the rest of the human race: She can be the same selfish, nonnurturing, nonbonding type of person everyone else is. Do you see? If, in an eighty year life span, a female is fertile for about twenty-five years (let’s call it ages fifteen to forty), it is not menopause that triggers the mind-altering and hormone-altering variation; the hormonal “disturbance” is actually fertility. Fertility is the change. Is it during fertility that a female loses herself, and enters that cloud overly rich in estrogen. Due to life spans being as long as they are, thirty years of addled fertility in the middle isn’t the “norm” for a woman, that almost sixty years of the relative selfishness of prepubescence and menopause are.
I read this GLUED to my screen. And the whole trad wife movement being so celebrated (by the patriarchy) is really a celebration of self-serving fertility… I AM SHOOK.
Me too this is brilliant thank you for sharing!
LOVE this take so much!!!
This was an epiphany for me!!! 🤯
LOVE THIS. Due to breast cancer I had to give up estrogen years ago and enter menopause chemically at 40. Its been almost 8 years and it does to me feel like a new pre-puberty – I feel 12 again in alot of ways. There is less emotional turbulence, my desires are clearer to me. Yes my diastolic blood pressure is not as good and I am a little softer, but there are wins too.
Jaw dropped. This comment will live in my brain forever. Thank you.
Wow – amazing. Thank you for sharing!
Wow, this is such a good take!! And you are a wonderful writer, Midge (the “mysterious lamb ritual” made me laugh).
Wow I love this *take* and can see and believe it. After Meno, I am starting to experience a more self-focused version of myself (and am pretty much unashamed of it after being a very giving/caring/generous person for most of my life. I often tell my husband that I wish I had had a person like me FOR me all these years. Now, I am headed into my me-me-me phase of life-meaning: I am going to do much more for my own pleasure, interest, curiously, and care. Why not??? I am still happy to contribute to society and community (I’m not a monster! I volunteer!). But the people-pleasing version of me is in the trunk and it is truly refreshing to actually, honestly not give a crap what anyone thinks (other than maybe my very patient husband, I love and respect him and don’t want to scare him away…)
Yes! It feels like shrugging off all the baby making madness and emerging clear eyed into being a kid again – somewhat creakier and heavier..
Thank you for this essay! Hard to tell some days if it is a blessing or a curse to be experiencing many of the symptoms as my teenage daughter. Is anyone else suffering from intense nausea? Feels just like morning sickness. It is not a symptom that gets a lot of attention, but for me it is the one that causes the most grief.
Kendra, yes nausea can be a symptom of hormone changes! I learned this when I first went on the mini-pill. It was just like morning sickness (but no vomiting, just nausea and many foods sounded unappealing). It lasted like 2 months. My doctor said she wasn’t familiar with this as a side effect but I went to the Internet, and many people on reddit etc experienced the same.
Yeah . . . this started happening to me suddenly a few months ago. Very un-fun addition to an already low-point of the month.
Wonderful essay (thank you!) calls for a haiku. Perimenopause damnit Am I Forty-five or six? The moods are outrageous
Hahaha the moods are SO outrageous, though
Peri can start at 35. If you ate having “all the things” and then some, don’t dismiss because you think you’re too young. There seems to be a window when HRT is most helpful and the safest, to start. Please read all the books – and don’t wait too long if that’s the right choice for you. After experiencing the worst of perimenopause (one particularly gruesome day when hiking with my teenage daughter when she whispered to me “mom, there’s blood EVERYWHERE”. there was indeed.) And knowing the benefits of the pill + the patch + the cream for me personally, you’ll pry my estrogen outta my cold dead hands. Estrogen protects against just about every single bad thing, all while making us FEEL better. It’s been life changing for me. I feel sad for a whole generation who were convinced it was dangerous and had to do this without replacement, I wouldn’t have survived it.
i think it’s important to say that it an start at 35, but the median age is 47.
”My feelings feel bigger” My feelings are so big I don’t know know how to feel them.
Yes, I don’t know how to feel them either! They are so big they terrify me. They don’t feel like me.
Not quite the same, but curious to know if fellow CoJ readers in their mid-30s have experienced sudden changes to body size (I’m 34 going on 35 this year)? Reading this felt oddly similar to what I’ve been going through in the last 8 months (things I bought last Christmas all of a sudden don’t fit – I swear my hips have gotten bigger!!!!). It’s frustrating and as much as my lovely partner tells me I’m amazing and look great and bodies change etc etc – it is very hard not to feel a) bad b) annoyed when NONE OF YOUR PANTS FIT ANYMORE. Would love to hear from others here <3
Same! Oh my goodness, I can relate. I’m 35 going on 36 and am in the same boat. I was effortlessly slender my entire life until about a year ago. I’ve gained 15 pounds and have gone from the size 2 I’ve been since age 14, to an 8, distributed 100% in my hips and butt. Like you, my partner is still kind and loving, though I made him retire my nickname of 15+ years (“Fatty”, a playful jest at skinny I was). It’s really frustrating, and also jarring to–for the first time–feel self-conscious about my shape. Just this week, I started counting calories for the first time in my life. I don’t have a solution, but know that you’re not alone. I don’t know if it’s stress, diet, or aging… or a little of each, but it’s hard. <3
38, it’s so expensive, wtf.
I don’t know if this helps, but it was common knowledge in my family and culture that people often start gaining unexpected weight in their 30’s and/or 40’s. Our metabolism slows down and you just start to experience changes. It is absolutely normal.
Me too. I have Poly Cyctic Ovarian Syndrome. Diagnosed in my mid 30s. It changes your hormones and metabolism, making it very hard to lose or maintain weight. For those of us with PCOS the weight tends to go to the belly though. It’s very frustrating, continually having to make peace with a changing body.
For me it’s been from age 38 to 39 – gained 15 pounds and my body composition really changed too.
For me it was a sign to begin regular exercise, like a running program.
37. I felt torn between having to replace half my wardrobe (not a task I enjoy), or start really focusing on exercise and diet. I’ve tried to do a little of both. I like feeling more “substantial” now (I was always very thin), but I also miss the familiarity and reliability of my favourite clothes.
What a beautiful and thoughtful piece of writing! As an older COJ reader, I wish I had had this support and opportunity to commiserate when I was going through perimenopause. Today The Guardian had a piece that takes a broader view of coming to terms with different life stages. I think it makes a nice companion to Abigail’s: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/14/no-age-isnt-just-a-number-happiness-life-stage
It is incredibly frustrating that more about peri is not known…even that the whole thing is called menopause but menopause really lasts 1 day. My PA said “you aren’t in menopause” and I went through a whole spiral if I knew more than her because she didn’t term it correctly or did she term it how most people understand it? Anyhoo, there is a menopause certification doctors & healthcare professionals can get and if you are looking for one near you, you can see that on the Menopause Society website.
Anyone having crazy joint pain/myscle aches and throbbing hands/wrists? 45 and a longtime runner and all of a sudden my joints are failing me after 25 years of no issues.
Oh no! Not exactly the same, but I’m in my early 40s and now experience throbbing pain in my feet every morning. Doesn’t match to descriptions of plantar fascitis or anything; my hunch is it’s hormone related! It also eases a bit at different times of the month. But your sounds like it could be inflammation? Because come to think of it, a couple years ago my joints were starting to ache a lot and I went to see a functional medicine doctor who told me my body was not liking wheat at the moment. So I’ve been gluten free for two years and it helped with the achiness, as well as some daily congestion and bad skin!
I had debilitating joint pain in my hip during (peri)menopause, which for me started around 36. Regardless of how little time I had been sitting beforehand, I limped my first few steps after standing. I thought the problem was being too sedentary during covid, or not being able to do as much yoga as I had done previously. Turns out it was menopause, and once I was finally diagnosed last year at 39 and started HRT, the hip pain went away.
Yep. 52 here. The joint pain is the thing that got me to take up HRT. My hot flashes were fleeting—a few months? The brain fog is irritating but not radically different than that of my 50-something husband. And the rage at the world seems justified in this era. But sore elbows keeping me from sleeping? Nope.
YES to the joint pain. My feet/ankles kill every morning (or after sitting for awhile) and I limp around for a few minutes. Now also having some hip issues. Also a runner.
I would say that perimenopause is annoying, frustrating, tiring and inconvenient. Just when you need to be able to function well – because of work and family and greater family requirements – things start to glitch. But it does end. Today is my 68th birthday. Six months ago my husband died. I am selling my house. I have a grandchild. Somehow, sailing through the difficult and messy perimenopause years have helped. It passes. On we go. It is a phase like any other. Try to get a decent night’s sleep, eat simple food and avoid the temporary boosts of booze and junk food. Stop worrying about not being able to wear clothes you used to slip into. Just like puberty, you come out the other side, in one different piece. I will only start to worry when I suddenly decide to wear purple like that inane poem. Purple suits practically nobody.
I love this comment! “Just like puberty, you come out on the other side, in one different piece.” Also reminds me of matrescence. I came out on the other side of my transition to motherhood a different person, for sure.
“purple suits practically nobody” LOOOOL annie, you’re a poet.
Thank you. Needed to hear this and will be holding it close these next few years ❤️
Loved this, thank you Annie! Change is the only constant.
Oh no! Purple is my favorite color. I wear it all the time. I hope I don’t look terrible!
Bobby – purple isn’t my favourite colour and I rarely wear it, but I don’t think other people look bad in it. I think certain skin tones really benefit from jewel tones in particular. My husband’s grandma loathed the colour green and she believed everyone looked terrible in it. *shrug* I love green; wear it all the time.
Thank you for this article! Immabout to overshare in the hopes it helps other women who might be going through the same thing. The 4 years prior to my last period were hell. The hot flashes, the rage, the disinterest in sex, the weight gain, yes. But most of all an almost all consuming, dragging, sadness that seemed to be a sucking, weighted, chest wound. It was such a physical thing!!! But very hard to describe in a way that a GP or OBGYN would recognize as a perimenopause symptom and not something to be dismissed with an antidepressant (or a blithe rec “that it sounds like what I need is to get a babysitter” – whew, did that cause the rage to soar!). My period stopped and never came back the month I turned 50. The sucking ache in my chest and the hot flashes FINALLY left, the weight gain accelerated, and brain fog, thicker than any pea soup, obliterated everything. And horribly, within 6 months of periods stopping, sex became incredibly painful – like being stabbed (vaginal atrophy – how is that even a thing and why is someone saying it to me? How could it atrophy – I was trying to use it regularly, even if unenthusiastically??!!!). About 2 years later I started estrogen patches and progesterone pills (I had to really push for them). And while I haven’t lost any weight, I have regained use of my brain and my sex drive has returned with a vengeance. I hear it also helps prevent osteoporosis and stuff like that. Great, yes, whatever. What I’m loving is the lack of pain during sex and the much greater frequency of having that particular type of fun! So, estrogen patches and a heaping cup of the “I do not care club” finally releasing a lot of my inhibitions (after 33 years of marriage – what the hell was I waiting for???) for the win! So, don’t put up with all of it like I did. Fight to find a doctor who will actually listen and help. You can make it through!
I haven’t entered perimenopause yet, but your comments about sex being painful (and feeling like you’re being stabbed) really resonate. It’s an emotional roller-coaster that feels so abnormal, that one. Plus a bit of shame, because why am I so different?! (I’m all resolved now, phew!)
I feel so much better reading all of this! Also, yes to pull-on pants, again and again.
Yes, yes, yes! I am thrilled that elastic waist jeans with drawstrings are currently having a moment because I am unable to wear anything that zips and buttons for a full day anymore.
Naomi Watts just published “Dare I Say It: Everything I Wish I’d Known About Menopause.” Worth reading!
I’m 45 and I continue to take continuous hormonal birth control because I’ve never wanted to get pregnant or my period. I don’t know if it’s because I’m not actually in perimenopause, or if I’m just lucky – but I feel pretty much the same as I always have. I don’t have kids, so I’m sure that helps – and with all the free time that affords me I am able to be an active member of a rowing club, so I work out consistently four times a week. I feel for all of you who don’t feel yourself.
I was you until 45. My kids are adopted. My woman’s health doctor kept me on birth control to keep my hormones even. I think that’s the right term. I had a PE and they made me stop birth control even though I had been on the same one for almost 20 years. I immediately went into perimenopause. I’ve wondered if I hadn’t stopped the pill-if perimenopause would have even started.
I’m also on continuous birth control at 42 and haven’t felt any changes either. I think it must help some since it is estrogen and progesterone which is what they give you with HRT.
Emily, take it for as long as they’ll let you. They couldn’t take my Mini Pills away from until I was 58. They told me I had sailed through perimenopause symptom-free and it was all over, but that’s when it began for me, with a bang. The Pill had prevented a long list of symptoms, probably for years. Menopause came at 59 but I still had hot flashes and awful insomnia until I started HRT a few years later. HRT is a huge help, and I plan to take it forever, but I miss the Pill and restful nights. For most of us, hormones will help a lot (including testosterone); so why do they expect us to suffer?
Yes! Some doctors prescribe the pill in lieu of estrogen patches until 50 since it also addresses possible pregnancy. You basically kept your hormone levels up artificially, avoiding all the symptoms.
I was just wondering how the pill would affect menopause. I’m 37 and have already been on it for 20 years. I don’t ever plan on stopping. I feel great and love not having a period or associated migraines. Glad to hear it’s working for someone else.
In addition to the books mentioned, Dr Jen Gunter, mentioned in the article, wrote a book called “Menopause Manifesto”
I’ll second this book – I found it very helpful.
Yes, a million times YES! My daughter will be 10 soon and I am 42 so we are a few steps behind you. Oooooof this is rough but at least we are all in it together and talking about it. <3
Beautiful writing as expected by the lovely Abby. I’m in the same boat – thank you for articulating it perfectly.
Also want to share that so many symptoms disappeared for me when I went vegetarian and upped my daily greens. Everything evened out considerably. Since the AMA doesn’t acknowledge dietary influence in their approach (being basically drug dealers for big pharma), they usually know or admit nothing about this so you will need to do your own experimenting. FYI: It’s WORTH IT.
Ah this comment really bummed me out. I feel like more and more people are vilifying physicians (which came out in full force during COVID) and scientists and experts. I totally get that a lot of women in these comments and elsewhere have had deeply invalidating interactions with providers about their perimenopause symptoms and that is not okay. I also believe it’s true that physicians went into that career to help people and are not self serving, but may be extremely tired. If the AMA doesn’t make dietary recommendations for perimenopause I would guess it’s because there is insufficient evidence to responsibly do so. When the AMA makes recommendations that are pharmaceutical I think a huge part of that is that pills are often more accessible than behavior changes and pills in many cases are remarkably effective. To do more research we need funding for research, we need there to be efforts to do more inclusive research, and these are things I believe most physicians, even at the AMA!, desperately want. Maybe I’m being naive about the motives at the AMA but being married to a physician scientist who works so hard to do research and find solutions to ease people’s suffering, it’s really tough these days to keep fighting that good fight.
My mom told me she survived menopause without a ton of issues by upping her soy (we’ve been vegetarians, now vegans, for decades so wasn’t too tough for her). Might not work for all but worked wonders for her.
I’m not sure I agree with that argument regarding AMA. I know they aren’t without flaws, and I don’t always agree with their approach, but for every friend who is prescribed a drug to address a symptom, there seems to be two friends who are desperate for a prescription that they can’t obtain. A quick search of their site does show that they emphasize a healthy diet during menopause.
I’m glad this worked for you; I’ve been vegetarian for two decades now, vegan here and there, and I eat a lot of greens to try to ward off hereditary macular degeneration. I say this because perimenopause is still taking me for quite a ride, especially weight gain. Don’t let correlation imply causation.
I’ve been vegetarian and a super healthy eater my entire life. Perimenopause just about killed me. I will forever be grateful to Big Pharma for the pill, the patch, the cream, as well as the other meds I take to manage my genetic disorder. If you feel great taking no meds, I’m happy for you. You’re really lucky. I’d be dead. Despite great nutrition.
As Amy Poehler says, “Good for her, not for me.”
Thank you Kate and others for defending the great dedication and service that many physicians provide. I am not a physician but I have many in my family – they went into this profession to help people and they are so overworked. My mother died in a developing country because a common medication was not available at that time. It frustrates me to see people in the West rail against “Big Pharma” and sweeping blanket statements when these companies have also helped save many lives. I agree there is room for improvement in the medical field, and especially when it comes to women’s health, but this is not because of doctors necessarily it is a systemic issue stemming from the patriarchal system we live in.
One person’s menopause symptoms are one person’s menopause symptoms. Also, may your good health and good luck continue, and may you never know otherwise. But I disagree with your opinions of doctors. I thank god for, and will be eternally grateful to, the physicians who have come to the aid of my family members and myself (breast cancer), and other dear loved ones, when we needed help. Happens to the best of us, even those who eat their greens.
Yeah, well, my sister didn’t exercise and was essentially carnivorous apart from cheese, carbs, soda, and sweets. Veggies enter her house only by accident or as fries or pizza sauce. No menopausal symptoms! So — so much for kale smoothies! The AMA must have known about her, canceling out your experience.
@ Sasha in Montana – same! Love how you put it. I would also be dead without Big Pharma/scientific advances/access to modern medicine. Also let’s not shame people for helping others in the way they are trained to help. And please let’s not assume people are sick/chronically ill etc because they did/didn’t eat a certain way (I didn’t hear you saying this Iona- thank you! but it sure is a big cultural narrative right now).
I didn’t mean to exclude the many for whom the medical industrial system works. But every single experience that I have ever had with them has been a surprisingly negative one (even after switching to female doctors only, as a non-negotiable rule), and I only meant to share that a big diet change made a radical difference for me and might be worth trying out. Good luck everyone!
You guys!! Perimenopause sucks, but once you’re through the worst of it and make peace with your new body, let me tell you, menopause is pretty great. It’s like, you shed the lining of your uterus for the last time, and with it goes the weight of other people’s expectations. And also, if you are not following @justbeingmelanie and the We Do Not Care Club for Perimenopausal and Menopausal Women, over on the ‘gram, you are missing out. https://www.instagram.com/justbeingmelani/?hl=en
oh thank you!!
This is the certainly the reality for some, but not everyone. Many factors contribute, just as in all other phases of one’s biological life.
I absolutely agree that aspects of my 50s are fantastic. And they sure the heck wouldn’t be if it wasn’t for HRT. Also, post menopausal is forever. And the symptoms don’t magically end one day, because the symptoms aren’t about our last period, they are about estrogen depletion. I love that account too! We are lucky to live in a time with some great menopause creators and content.
The one that got me laughing was “I do not care that you’re hungry. I didn’t lock the kitchen.”
Dermal estrogen has been a game-changer…. sleeping again, not ragey 100% of the time (only like 85% now! woot!). My 12 year old newly-menstruating daughter and I have found great pleasure in the practice of hurkle-durkling on days that seem particularly awful and then we “take the sunshine” and wander around the block listing stuff that sucks. It’s a sweet irony that our girls go through puberty as we exit – it’s a nice reminder that even periods will go away eventually!
Is it lotion or a patch when you say dermal estrogen? Do you also take progesterone?
Jess, I use Divigel, which is a small amount of estrogen gel (comes in a little foil packet) that I rub onto my leg every night. Taking oral progesterone makes it safer, and the pills also makes one sleepy, so it is an easy nighttime routine. My hot flashes are milder when they happen at all. I sleep better but not wonderfully. My moods are less moody; my muscles and joints ache less. I also use a tiny amount of testosterone cream on the other leg, which is supposed to help preserve strength and stamina, among other things. (I got tested and didn’t have any!) I’m glad I finally tried all the things.
Hurkle-durkling! This is the best phrase!
Thanks for much for the reply!
When I went through this I called it The Second Adolescence and was amazed that it wasn’t widely known by that name because it was all the essentially the same experience. My boobs grew huge, my metabolism slowed radically, necessitating the exercise I’d put off for years but was now non-negotiable, and on and on. I’m still doing damage control, and have not yet established a new normal. I say damage control, not because I reject what is but because ‘what is’ is due to serious neglect and now that neglect is fully expressed and I will not have that be the way I go down, lol. I need to take good care of my body and not be lazy about it. It is WORK but it is necessary if I want to age gracefully. Anyhoo, cheers to The Second Adolscence! It’s been a wake up call, for me!
the moods!!! yesterday I was on the phone with Verizon for two hours and I was so frustrated, I suddenly burst into tears! I felt like a teenager again.
P.S. anton put it well when he said “mom…you just crashed out.”
TBH, I’d burst into tears if I had to spend that long on the phone with Verizon at ANY stage of life! But also, YES.
What timing! I just had my first appointment with a peri/menopause specialist a few days ago. I’m 52 and, as I told her, I am LUCKY in that I haven’t had a terrible experience (yet?). But, the weight gain over 2 years, the aching ankles (I hobble out of bed every morning and have to hold the walls going down the stairs until my ankles also wake up), the thinning/brittle hair, and the non-existent sex drive have really been bumming me out. I don’t have hot flashes, I don’t have insomnia, my forgetfulness isn’t THAT bad, I still have clockwork periods, so I do recognize how fortunate I am. What is frustrating is that my regular GYN really didn’t want to discuss it, or seemed a bit ‘whatever’ about it. I don’t understand how esp female OB/GYNs aren’t doing more to educate themselves. If for no other reason than this seems like an undertapped gold mine, so many women are going to be looking for answers, and sorry, but AI can’t solve this (yet?). Anyway. I took one dose of my newly prescribed progestorone and estrogen, and promptly got my period, very heavy, 4 days early (which never happens), so this whole thing is overwhelming. These drugs are strong. I’m going to try for at least 3-6 months and see what happens.
Yes!! I’m 54 and still having regular periods and I’m also having the thinning hair, weight gain and ankle issues (and no hot flashes or anything else)! I didn’t actually put it together with menopausal hormones because I was just diagnosed with Hashimotos. My gyn put me on birth control pills as a form of hrt, and I’ll going to start them any day now.. I just agree with everything you said. My mom didn’t go through menopause until 56 so I knew I was looking at something similar, but it’s so weird live it when everyone my age that friends with is done!!
Susie and Ann, this is also me! 52 years old, clockwork periods, and symptoms of peri for what feels like almost 10 years. (weight gain, joint pain, insomnia, night sweats, low libido, you name it.) Every time I brought these symptoms up to my physicians they were dismissed with a shrug or, worse, told I wasn’t exercising enough or eating well enough which is totally not true. Last month I finally took the plunge and got put on HRT through Winona. I already feel a slight improvement so maybe there’s hope? Anyways, thank you COJ for giving space to this important topic!
I just need to chime regarding the trouble finding words. I was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s at age 32, and an impairment in my ability to comprehend and formulate language was one of my earliest symptoms. Don’t panic, but please don’t ignore mild cognitive impairment (which my neurologist likens to “mildly metastatic cancer”). There’s no harm in consulting a doctor if you have concerns. Certain types of AD are manageable, treatable, and some even semi-reversible, which was thankfully the case for me! You now can self-order blood tests for p-Tau 217, GFAP, and NfL, which detect cognitive decline years before symptoms appear and can clue you in as to whether cognitive changes are pathogenic in nature versus normal aging.
You are raising an excellent point! Just because you have a symptom that seems menopause related, make sure to have it checked out to be sure. I have suddenly developed autoimmune conditions that I would have chalked up to hormones had I not seen a doctor. Anyway, thank you for your important comment. I’m so glad you were able to find out when you did and that it’s semi-reversible!
Similar to the commenter above, I’m bummed at some of the medical disinformation on here (even as it is well meaning). There are no real game-changing treatments for Alzheimers and it is absolutely not ‘semi-reversible’. I would caution anyone thinking of ‘self ordering’ blood tests for a serious illness to talk through it with a medical professional to get the right test and the right interpretation. There are a lot of quacks and shady businesses out there ready to take your money for unapproved blood tests. People slam ‘big pharma’ but ‘big wellness’ is making just as much money of people.
You make a great point, RMS. Let me clarify two things. My husband is an MD and recognized the symptoms early, so we’ve been working with the best of the best medical professionals and drugs from the get-go. It’s a complex disease and trained MDs really are necessary to refine treatment; I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. The labs I mention just became available to self-order a few weeks ago, and it’s something I would have been interested in the 6-month waiting period leading up to my first neuro appointment, not in place of medical care. Regarding treatment, there is a form of AD, subtype 3, that is resultant from environmental toxins, such as paints, harsh chemicals, and toxic mold. My neurodegeneration was attributed to my work as an artist, and changing my environment to reduce the onslaught of inflammation (plus cutting-edge glycerophospholipids and neuropeptides) allowed my brain to normalize in volume and function over the course of ~8 years. Not all AD responds to diet and lifestyle changes, but the environmental factor is something to consider for anyone diagnosed with cognitive decline young (under age 55).
Thanks, Anon! I took a screen shot of your comments. Cognitive decline has been a concern of mine due to family history, and I’m excited that there are tests available that I can self order, if my doctor lacks interest. I sustained a concussion in February, so that makes it a bit harder to tease out what symptoms are concussion or neurological or hormonal or aging, etc. Your comment on environment also grabbed my attention, as we have been concerned for a while now that we have mold in the house. Anyway, thank you for your comment! I am so happy to hear that you are receiving treatment that’s helping you, as early-onset Alzheimer’s is a scary diagnosis!
Sarah, I’m so glad to be able to spread some awareness and potentially help. If you happen to pop back in here, you may consider requesting a NeuroQuant volumetric brain MRI with concussion being the indication. It’s typically covered by insurance (~$100 copay) and the Triage Brain Atrophy Report will show neuroinflammation, atrophy (shrinkage), hemispheric asymmetry, and other patterns of damage unique to mold, Lyme, traumatic brain injury/concussion, dementia, etc. If you have concerns about mold, ISEAI is a great non-profit that shares info as well as professional references for local mold-literate doctors, home testers, and remediators.
I feel seen. I’m 43 and in the last 3 years: – I have gained close 25lbs and gone up three dress sizes. – My periods have gotten heavier and i’ve started having mid-cycle spotting (vaginal ultrasound showed possible polyp/mass, biopsy confirmed no cancer – fewf!) – The end of my luteal phase feels like the world is ending and I cry at everything. – My skin is itchy, and my boobs are sore. – My sleep is restless, tossing and turning, and I wake up once or twice a month drenched in sweat. My gyno said – i “could be starting” peri, but she would wait to do HRT until symptoms got “bad.” Maybe I need a new gyno… I’m trying to hit 30 grams of protein for breakfast and cut back on sugar. I also just got diagnosed with Chronic Venous Insufficiency (CVI) (????!!!!) so i can’t lift heavy weights anymore which is what everyone says you should do during peri… WHAT IS MIDDLE AGE??? At least I still have a sex drive – shoutout to my hot husband!
I see you, Alex! Oof on it all, but glad you still have your hot husband. Question – the mid-cycle spotting, is that what prompted the ultrasound or was it more? I have that, but my OBGYN chalked it to changing hormones and wasn’t concerned. Should I push to rule out polyps?
@Mary – yes the spotting is what prompted the ultrasound. The ultrasound found a “mass” which prompted the biopsy. Since the biopsy came back clear they ruled my mass a polyp and said it was harmless but i could get it removed if i wanted to, to see if that would make the spotting go away. I opted to leave it and just wear panty liners for now. If it gets worse or too annoying maybe i’ll get it removed…
You shouldn’t have spotting like that. I did and thought it was normal bc I’m 47. It’s not. I had a large polyp. I had a d&c with a polypectomy done and no more spotting. I waited over 2yrs to see a Dr abt it which was dumb. The procedure was no big deal. Definitely see your Dr and get the poylp removed.
Respectfully, you need a new gyno! I am 44 with similar symptoms and my menopause specialist put me on HRT just from listening to my symptoms. She confirmed with blood work. I feel MUCH better. It’s a work in progress but absolutely worth it.
You need a new doctor. There’s zero reason to wait for HRT if you have all that going on.
Where does one find these magical gynos that know about perimenopause and listen and prescribe HRT or other stuff????
There are companies online who will prescribe HRT, like Winona @Alex Williams.
Please be careful with HRT if you have chronic venous insufficiency – it could be risky but talk with a knowledgable dr.
I had my uterus removed to treat adenomyosis. I still have my ovaries so I have a cycle but no period and hooboy tracking perimenopause symptoms with no changes in your period to point to is a really wild game of “why the hell do I feel like this?!”
I’m in the exact same boat! It’s a wild ride sometimes, isn’t it?
Searching for the words and describing a pitcher: I FEEL THIS. I have to speak 1on1 with my clients a lot for my job and I’m definitely stumbling lately. I’m on birth control pills but I still experience some symptoms of perimenopause. I plan to have my estrogen and testosterone levels checked. Is anyone else feeling intense RAGE? I went to a big family event a couple weeks ago and was so mad at everyone, especially my husband. All their advice seemed condescending and cliche. My parents called me the next day and I refused to pick up the phone. Then they immediately called my husband and he picked up. “I don’t want to talk to them!!!!”
yes to the rage!! Granted, I’m shuttling two kids around suburbia for summer camps, but when I’m aware enough to “see” myself, my tolerance of other drivers has dropped dramatically. I found myself fuming because a driver had a dirty license plate cover – how dare they permit their license to be obscured from view? What if they misbehave and I can’t note the number for the cops? Why aren’t cops pulling them over and telling them to FIX IT? I’ve driven here for 15+ years but only now is everything irksome.
THANK YOU! Eager to hear others’ experiences. Almost 44 and the weight transition is real – blah. And this morning I could not think of the word for something so basic…I still can’t recall what I was trying to articulate, just that I see it out reach. About three weeks ago I was having a mix of the feels and brain fog and whatever, and I casually said to my husband, “I don’t know if it’s stress or perimenopause or…” and he rapidly dismissed with “oh I don’t want to think about that”. He’s quite aware in most ways – earth-loving vegetarian who reads the daily paper plus loads of books, and with a kid on the spectrum knows about acceptance. So it was so left-field and frankly, off-putting. My ask is – any good references for spouses? Of course I feel like somebody would have to be in a hole to not see all the (glorious!) recent attention, but I guess he’s in that hole. Sign him up for the We Do Not Care club? :-)
Dr Psych Mom on FB and Insta – such a wealth of information on hormonal transitions and how to support and resource! She also has a podcast.
I’m 48 and my husband is a few years older. Whenever I mention “could it be perimenopause?” he dismisses it and says “whenever you talk about that, it’s very unsexy and it makes me feel old.” Twenty years into marriage and with several kids together, comments like that can hardly be a deal-breaker. But gosh – with so much of my day being impacted by menopause (brain fog, belly fat, fatigue, irritability), it’s hard not to talk about it.