9 Women Talk About Joint Custody — the Highs, Lows, and Surprises

Hi Lee, this isn’t my story but it’s close enough for me to understand well what you are going through. I am so sorry, and am so inspired by your extraordinary bravery. You can do this.

Same!

same same!

For what it’s worth, I found myself at the same place for many years when my kids were right around the same age as yours. About two years out from our split, I have only one thought — why didn’t I do this sooner? It scared the hell out of me and felt like jumping off a cliff, but for me, I came to know that my indecision was a message. I’m now only doing things where my whole body wants to go. Lots of love to you. It’s a tough space to be in. And 50/50 custody is delightful. My kids are largely just fine, and so am I!

To share a different perspective, none of us were fine with 50/50 (I think we may have been slightly more so with 70/30) and the split was one of the biggest regrets of my life. Now looking back after 3 years, the lost time with my kids is a wound I don’t think will heal. If I were to do it all over again I would not have chosen divorce

I LOOOOOVE the 50/50 schedule. It was difficult at first but I love that it has made their dad step up as a father and I love that I can be an individual again. My friendships are so much stronger. I am not constantly tired and I like that my kids now see me as a human with needs and desires and hobbies and friends and that that needs to be respected.

Respectfully – no, I actually don’t know. You don’t have to be with your child all of the time to be a good mother. In the grand arc of human existence, there has rarely been a time where one woman was responsible for every second of a child’s early life. It’s quite literally why women have evolved to live beyond their childbearing years – to share the burden of caretaking. And in this situation, I mean this so gently, you kind of have to adapt to it. Because if you don’t, your children will absolutely absorb that anxiety from you. Divorce is hard enough on kids without them feeling the guilt of leaving a parent for a week.

I do know what you mean. It’s a big difference to not see a 2 year old for days versus a child that is 8 or 9. There is something primal about not knowing where your child is and not being able to hold them. It is something that many people have had to do for a a variety of reasons but it doesn’t mean it has to fell right. That never did for me either. It’s not the same as having your child in daycare.

Exactly. Thank you Anon. And for what it’s worth, I’ve lived in countries/villages where many adults raise the kids. The mom still has full access to her babies/toddlers though. Joint custody is not the same as sharing the load the way that women should have support and a village can raise a child.

Honey, as a person who was the child in this situation, be the example for your child. Do what you’d want her to do. Love yourself that much.

As a kid I begged my parents to stay together. As an adult I wish they’d had the courage to divorce. You can’t let a child make an adult decision for you. And if you do stay, never ever throw it back in their face that as a child they asked you to stay. You’re the grown up, the decision is YOURS.

Highly highly recommend getting your own therapist who can help you with the language here and the big emotions. Your child needs reassurance and it sounds like you need a shitload of support. Your kid isn’t doing well and they are not as shielded from your husband’s behavior as you hoped or believed they were. I say this as a divorced and remarried person, and a child who lived through my parents’ very abusive marriage until age 19 when my mom finally got courageous. My younger siblings were afraid of the change. Why wouldn’t they be? We had put my dad’s feelings and needs at the center of our family; the only way we knew if we were ok is if he was ok. We all needed a lot of help reprogramming ourselves out of what our old version of family had become. And that’s ok. We needed to leave, and we figured out the fixing once we were safe.

I agree with Annie above. I am so glad my parents divorced, even though it was hard at first when I was young (~10 years old). They were not a good couple together, but they are good parents and they are friends. They couldn’t show me a healthy marriage but they showed me other healthy ways for a family to exist. Thinking of you…

KAYLEE, so very proud of you for standing up for yourself. You’ve got this. Xx.

Kaylee, you’re my hero. I went through four years of hell when the birth of my first child revealed who my husband really is. I finally told him I was leaving and the worst of his behavior stopped on a dime. We’re one year out and the behavior that has returned is far subtler but reveals the truth: he hasn’t changed. It is difficult to think about what comes next but people like you give me courage.

I am a certified High Conflict Divorce Coach working in house at a family law firm in Chicago. I see so many clients post-decree who are still dealing with post- separation abuse years out. It takes so much strength and resilience to navigate! Here is a blog I wrote about it that you may find helpful! https://merelfamilylaw.com/blog/highlighting-the-truth-about-post-separation-abuse/

Your experience resonates deeply with mine. I was in a similar situation — a long-term relationship marked by coercive control and emotional abuse. It took me a long time to even admit to myself that what I was going through was abuse. In the beginning, I was caught in the trap of trying to “succeed” at co-parenting, especially after “failing” at the marriage. I held onto the hope that maybe we just had different parenting styles. I’d tell myself things like, “dad’s just stricter” or “dad loses his temper more easily.” It took time — and a lot of painful honesty — to accept that our child wasn’t just experiencing a different household, but was being exposed to ongoing emotional and physical harm. Only those who’ve lived this truly understand — the emotional harm has been far more damaging than the times he was physically hurt. Living in constant fear of upsetting his dad has shaped him in deep, lasting ways that he’ll carry for a lifetime. That’s hard to say but it’s true. It was a family therapist, someone I first reached out to during my “hopeful co-parenting” phase, who gave me a turning point. She didn’t sugarcoat anything and named what was happening as abuse in a way I hadn’t yet been able to. I’ve now been navigating this reality for 16 years. In my case, my ex eventually gave up custody voluntarily — something I never expected. While every situation is different, I want to offer some perspective and hope: 40% custody now doesn’t mean 40% custody forever. When you’re ready to pursue a change for your child – you will. And there are people who will walk that path with you: school social workers, supportive teachers, DV advocates, family therapists, CAS workers, and other parents who’ve been there. Also, it might feel far away now, but our kids do grow up, and with time, they gain more voice, more choice, and more understanding about what’s really happening around them. That alone can be a powerful shift. You’re doing something incredibly hard, and incredibly brave. The healing might be ongoing, but you’re not standing still — you’re moving forward, and your child is witnessing your strength. That matters more than you know.

I’d love any coverage of marital affairs! When I was cheated on, I did what I do best and deeply researched the topic, and was fascinated that the patterns surrounding marital affairs are nothing like what is portrayed in literature and popular culture! It’s made light of but can often be massively traumatic. And infidelity is mostly sparked by attachment issues in the adulterer. I wish this topic was talked about – honestly and informatively – way more because it’s way more common than many other think, and it’s incredibly isolating to experience because it’s so taboo.

Yes Catherine, I had a similar experience as you after infidelity in my marriage and agree that our culture definitely misrepresents affairs, the common reasons around them, and the impacts they have. It is such a disservice to SO many of us who are affected by infidelity, either directly or indirectly (as a participant, someone who was cheated on, someone supporting or advising a friend/family member who has an affair or has a partner who has had an affair)

Yes Catherine! I feel the same. Thank you for saying this.

Best thing I did for myself when I discovered my ex’s infidelity was to work with a betrayal trauma coach for a year. Yes, it’s a thing! Yes, you can heal! And it 100% helped equip me for the actual process of divorcing and parallel parenting with high-conflict ex, as well.

I’m rowing in the same boat here with you, and it’s especially brutal to see the people who directly overturned your life in turn overturn your kids life (sadly, through the same type of manipulation and awfulness that ended the marriage in the first place, now through the kids). It’s also not talked about often enough. May we all find some semblance of peace — therapy does help, but I’ve learned in these high-conflict co-parenting situations there aren’t a ton of resources.

Samesies – yes! So few resources. Especially when the new stepparent seeks to turn the tables and claim that they are somehow a victim of the situation because everyone has understandable feelings about how the split and new relationship and stepparent relationship was seeded and came about.

I cannot speak to others experiences, but I ended my marriage due to multiple ongoing infidelities on his part and a lack of honesty, respect and support for me. I did bear way more of the marriage, family and parenting burden than I should have, and I own my part in enabling that and staying too long in a partnership that wasn’t good for me. That is not what I told our daughter – our messaging to her was ‘we were not happy anymore together, we are very sad about that, but some partnerships aren’t forever and we are better as parents and people living apart’ Which is also true.

Emotional abuse that the children were witnessing (and sometimes the target of themselves). Coercive control. Not wanting them to see or experience or normalize anyone – especially their mother – treated as I (and sometimes they) were.

This is a good question! Mariah, I resonate with you and have experienced similar, and I’m sorry. I can only answer for myself. For me, the fact that there are young children in the marriage is what kept me in it for so long. I have a lot of shame and baggage around divorce, a loveless marriage with someone who doesn’t really want me, and who has been unfaithful and abusive. I know it sounds crazy but I thought I had to stay in that and suck it up for the kids – and I was told that I did by trusted people. Someone finally asked me: what are your kids learning about love and marriage from your situation? No one had ever asked me that and I really had to reflect on it. They were learning that the label “married” covered a multitude of sins that went uncorrected, that we accept abuse and call it love, that men don’t even have to provide and be faithful and can demand that their wives take more off their plates, that men don’t have to grow or change or take responsibility, that men just deserve things because they exist. Mind you, I have three sons. When I started seeing their dad’s attitudes in them, I recoiled. The cycle I’m breaking isn’t the one I’d thought. I thought I was breaking the “cycle of divorce” by staying married and that would make my kids better. I’m actually breaking the cycle of loveless abuse perpetuated on my in-laws’ side primarily, and God-willing my sons will grow up differently.

I was financially abused by my ex. There were elements of emotional abuse and coercive control also, but it was the financial piece that really drove me to seek a divorce. Like others here, my decision was motivated by a combination of concern for my own wellbeing and worry about what my kids would perceive as normal if I stayed.

My marriage is ending and I have young kids. I loved my ex for a long time but there were always red flags. When we started dating, I had wanted to start a family, it was time for me to start a family, and there was a lot of good in the relationship, but there was some bad too. If I’m honest, I put up with the bad because I was approaching the end of my fertility, and I was willing to take a risk. In some ways the risk really paid off- I have beautiful children and he is a pretty good dad… I think better than a lot of dads. In some ways it didn’t tho, we weren’t happy together and the relationship we modeled to my children was not what I wanted them to see. I didn’t want them to grow up seeing a mom who did everything and a dad who just did a good job when he decided to show up, and worse, resented the mom for wanting more.

My parents divorced when I was 30, 25 years ago. Because we didn’t have to learn to deal with their divorce we as kids just navigated them separately and it felt like a burden. Also my dad had a real “i’ve never been happy style of divorce, and it really made me second guess my whole childhood. It made me thhink that in the end they should have done what they needed to do and then I could have had a foundation that wasn’t in doubt. Hope that helps.

Gently… depending on the degree of conflict in your current relationship – kiddos are likely being impacted by that too. Divorce / change in the family is going to be tough at any age for kiddos, but having them live in a low conflict house is a chance that you will only get while they are still at home. Obviously a lot of factors go into the impact to kids of earlier or later – time with you, financial implications of separation etc., age of kiddos, how well you tolerate your ex, what you are doing in the interim etc. best wishes.

I second Katy’s comment. Your kids know if they’re being raised in a difficult house, no matter their age. (I have vivid memories of overhearing arguments when I was 6 years old before my parents divorced.) I would also caution that it might be easier for you to transition to life “alone” when you have brief stints of shared custody, rather than unending months because the kids have all moved away for college.

My (now former) in-laws went this route. Their divorce was not mutually desired — only my former mother-in-law wanted a divorce — and was very acrimonious. My ex-father-in-law felt betrayed and expected his young adult kids to “pick sides” in the divorce. So there was pain all around, and a lot of damage to the relationships between the parents and young-adult kids. My ex-husband and his brother also did not get any example while growing up of what a healthy relationship looked like and were not equipped to have healthy relationships themselves; they have now both gone through divorces also. Of course every situation is different, but I think it would have been healthier if my former MIL had gotten divorced when her kids were much younger.

My mom moved out the day before my high school graduation. The relationship was long gone before that point and I wished that they had divorced much earlier. It’s very hard being a kid and being in a home where you know your parents don’t like or respect each other. My nervous system was on high alert for years without me realizing why. Having happy healthy parents in an open loving environment is always the best, whether that means the parents are living under the same roof or not.

Don’t know if that helps but my parents divorced when I was in college. – my father was an alcoholic. The only regret my brother and I had was that they didn’t do it sooner. They could have done it 10 years earlier and it wouldn’t be early enough.

Echo what others responded, AND even though my marriage was not high conflict and there wasn’t really fighting, had I stayed I would have modeled to my daughter that the mom/woman has to carry the main burden of parenting and running a household, even while working full time and being the main earner. We had a respectful, pretty smooth ending that she observed instead and she sees us be very supportive and respectful as co-parents (similar to others above, he does more parenting now that we are apart). She gets to see me model how strong and badass women can be on their own, and she is now seeing me in a more respectful, supportive and healthy relationship as she moves into her teen years.

From the other perspective – my parents divorced when my younger sibling left for college. I honestly was pretty surprised they were getting divorced. I think I knew they weren’t happy but the self-centeredness of being a college student made it hard for me to see/recognize. I will say that now, 20 years later, its still hard for them to be divorced and I often wonder if it would be easier if they were still together (splitting time with grandkids, trying to see them both separately when back in California, dealing with issues with my sister). I envy my husband’s family where the parents are together and they take family vacations and all get along. So just to say that older kids – even young adults – are still impacted by divorce. I still struggle with it in my 40s. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision for my parents.

My cousins and my good friend were young adults/late HS when their parents divorced and tbh I think they fell through the gaps because there is a lot of support for kids of divorce but not adult children. They didn’t have the care and concern people would show children in that situation – it was kinda like ” oh well you are grown and out of house so it doesn’t impact you” and 15-20 years later they have talked about how hard that was. They also are all single – either never married or divorced. Honestly their experiences drove my resolve to NOT wait until my kids were grown.

Hi Anon! I’m not the original commenter, but happy to share thoughts on my experience. Some context: my children were 2 and 6 when we separated, my then-husband initiated the separation, we live in an EXTREMELY high cost area, and both work full-time with some work travel. Our goal: We want the children to have the stability of being in their home full-time. However, we cannot afford to have three homes, so we’ve had to be flexible. Our nesting arrangement: We are a 50/50 custody family. My coparent has an apartment 8 minutes away. I have the house (I bought out his portion of the equity, and he contributes to part of the mortgage as child support). Two nights a week, their father is primary parent, and he stays in the guest room. I’m also home (it is my house!) but often traveling, out with friends, working out, generally not home for the evening. One night a week (Saturday), the children stay at his apartment. Other logistics: Our marital settlement agreement stipulates this is a 5 year arrangement. If, prior to 5 years, we want to change it, we will return to mediation to come up with a new agreement. A few other thoughts: People (even our mediator) are SUPER judgmental of nesting. If/when my coparent and I are in a serious relationship, this will complicate nesting. We decided to nest based on our current children’s needs, not those of fictional future partners. However, this is something that comes up ALL the time with judgmental comments, so just be prepared. It requires a LOT of flexibility and sacrifice. Not an arrangement for someone who wants a total clean slate divorce. We’re almost 1.5 years into nesting, and so far, it is working well. Of course, divorce definitely teaches us that nothing is permanent, so who knows what the future holds, but right now, it is a model that is helping all of us. For me, the Pros: I get to see the children a lot more than a typical 50/50, I’m comforted that the children have an easy routine and one home base. The Cons: I’m around my coparent a lot, the house is not as quiet or clean as it would be if it was just me 50% of the time. (Hope that is not too much detail! Feels weird to share all this, but I remember scouring blogs when going through this, so hope it is helpful!)

You are a saint, thank you! I admire your confidence, and your flexibility — rare traits when held together! It sounds like either on your own or through your mediator you and your ex are able to have productive/creative conversations and are able to establish boundaries that work for you. Congratulations on putting one foot in front of the other in the name of happiness and thank you for your generosity.

@a nesting mother :) — hopefully i speak for many when i say: THANK YOU for taking the time to share these details. i think this kind of information is the hardest to access—the intimate (and logistical) inner workings of this process. that’s often what i’m most curious about. appreciate you.

I am very close to two families who chose nesting for awhile, and I am adjacent friends with two other families who tried it also. (I live in the Bay Area, lots of nontraditional things are tried here with marriages ending and I appreciate that!) Without going into too many details, all the families did it for 1-2 years and it was a good way to transition themselves and the kids slowly to the different shape of their families. In all 4 of these cases, it became too difficult for the parents to really move on/forward with their own personal lives and homes even though communication was strong and there was a lot of respect for their coparents. It was a great shorter term option for most of them, though until the next phases financially, emotionally and otherwise took shape for everyone. I know it became hard when dating and other partners became part of the equation. I respect parents who can do it long term, but I don’t know of any who have done it longer than a couple years.

Hi Anon- so we nested for a year, it felt like maybe a good way to transition for the kids. They could get used to being with one parent at a time and didn’t have to move back and forth. That really appealed to me when we first separated. But I think for us it was a short term solution. The downsides were still having to share space, finances etc even though existing in it separately. I think it created more conflict in some ways and made it harder to untangle. I don’t regret it bc I think it was helpful for the kids but when we ended that arrangement after a year and we each had our own place I found it much better and calmer. Although financially it became tougher living on one income. The kids had to then go back and forth but they have adjusted pretty well I think. One of the other downsides is the nesting added an additional moving experience which is costly.

Our split was not easy but it was not super contentious and we lived in a converted multifamily home so we were able (with very little investment) to divide our place back into two apartments and each keep their own and continuing splitting bills and mortgage. I had hoped to make it work for a few years but after about one year I realized I needed more space and a more definitive separation for mental health. So we continued to live like that until I secured another home. It costs more living completely apart but the mental relief is worth it, for me.

And also I would like to add : I wish my parents would have divorced. My father seems great on the outside, but can be intrusive, manipulative, egoistic… We seemed to be okay as kids, but many things were not. Yes we would have shown sadness and would not have liked to change our habits to a shared custody. But it would also have allowed me to “become myself”, think by myself and have safe boundaries so much earlier in my life, (and it would have spared me years of therapy!). I wish I would have seen this modeled by my mother. Disrespectful and brutal husbands can’t be good fathers. And at least in a joint custody you can experience being in a safe place half (or more) of the time and build resilience to face the other half and for your entire life.

This is such a great idea! I love that you do it when you’re alone AND when you have the kids; carving out that time for yourself to recharge. How cool you are.

No advice to give, just want to say that I see how impossible this all is and I feel the weight with you. I’m really sorry.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad you wrote this comment. Unfortunately your experience is probably very common, much more common than some of the experiences here where the main worries are loneliness and losing time, etc. The sad fact is that many many many couples can’t AFFORD to split up bc how the heck do you maintain the cost of two households when you barely manage to afford one.

Hi, I hope you can talk with a divorce lawyer about your options. You might be surprised at what you’d be entitled to in a divorce. In my parents’ early 90’s divorce, she took the house and he took the retirement account, and she had been a SAHM for 10+ years. She did go back to work, and I know that was hard for her, but a lot of the other parts of our lives remained stable.

Just wanted to share that I was a stay-at-home mom too for 12+ years, and I am now separated. I was similarly anguished, but the tipping point for me was when fear of not ending it was worse than the fear of ending it. We have now worked things out in a way that works for us and have a detailed separation agreement. All that to say, you can do it, if you decide it’s right for you. Good luck.

Hi friend, I resonate and I don’t have any advice. I hear the concerns and fears and uncertainty. I will say that if you are in YOUR family home, that may work to your benefit. Here’s what I was told by a dear elder friend on her 3rd and finally joyful marriage: don’t be afraid. It will work out, you just don’t know how yet. ((Hugs))

Would highly recommend that you start working outside the home even part time if you can. Your situation sounds tough, but if you do want to separate eventually, having some income of your own will make it much easier.

I’m in a very very similar place: ( thinking all of these same thoughts. i feel totally stuck.

Erin this sounds so hard. I’m not sure if you’ve seen Ted Lasso, but in season 1 Rebecca runs a fundraiser and outside Ted tells her, everyone knows.. please don’t think that people (especially your son) don’t know the kind of person your ex-husband is, they do..

Sorry, if the Ted Lasso reference doesn’t make sense, I was trying to keep it spoiler free 🙈

We also have this setup and it’s AMAZING. I work downtown and take the baby to daycare. My husband works from home, walks older kid to/from kindergarten, does his weekly speech therapy and makes dinner every weeknight. Same as you, Joy, I still probably do a little more than 50% of the domestic work, but it’s HUGELY more equal. And I can focus on my work so much better when I’m out of the house.

LOL!! Thank you for this perfect comment.

I am married to a man of whom I’m a fan, but this take genuinely made me lol.

Sorry to read such a stereotypical comment. Everyone is damaged by growing up in the shitty system that is called patriarchy. For more perspective I like reading the matriarchal blessings newsletter.

HAHAHAH! This comment should make the Friday round-up.

TEE your take is amazing and makes me laugh (with recognition, although my own partner makes me laugh all the time). GOOD ON YOU for following your truth!

Yes! Men suck. Can we just admit that for once? Is it the patriarchy that keeps us from just saying it? What major violence being perpetrated right now in the world is not the purview or power play (or desperation wrought by power plays, exploitation, and domination) caused by men?

Hi Mia! I actually talked to someone who is in a similar situation! Her name is Maggie Kim and she married and lived in Paris for a while, but after her and her ex divorced, in the beginning he had full custody of the kids in France for 4.5 years, and she lived in L.A., and would fly out to visit them every month. Today, she has full custody of her kids (they still live in L.A.), and they visit with her ex in the summer, school breaks, and on holidays. She’s written about her divorce journey in her substack: https://divorceordie.substack.com/

Thank you Chrissie! I’m so happy for those for whom it got easier. It never has or did for me, and I’ve tried everything. And so many joyous peak experiences, time with friends, time on my own, futile searches (after ample time on my own, and when I felt ready again) for anyone to be interested in dating at all – none of it really soothed or distracted or made worth it the wounds and ongoing sadness.

Oh my goodness! YOU ARE SO STRONG!!! You have felt such a deep and intense connection and longing to be with your children, that you realized you had to prioritize either that or satisfaction in your marriage. They weren’t both available at the same time. THAT IS A HARD PLACE TO BE! But you are not at all weak for it!! You are so strong but letting that be the priority 4 years ago, and now you are strong again, for sitting in the hard place of trying to explore what other permutations of life are out there. There is not roadmap, for any of us, and I think what you’re going through is more common than we realize (or is felt from people who never separated but are there because they want to be close to their kids). I wish I could offer advice but I would at least like to offer a big hug, and an acknowledgement that you’re making a good enough decision every day and that when a new decision works better for you, you can make it then. Be gentle with yourself please!

Thank you so so much for this (beautifully written) comment. I am currently considering going back to my husband (we have an almost identical backstory to you) because after two years of separation I’m so worried about the impact it’s having on my children. I’m wondering do I sacrifice myself so that my kids can live in one home and feel more grounded and secure, and we can all be a family again, or do I carry on down this separated road, knowing I don’t love my ex anymore and hoping the kids will be fine? It’s so hard and I’m honestly torn. My kids are the most important thing to me.. surely sacrificing for them will be worth it?

Oh my gosh, your comment hits HARD! I left my emotionally abusive relationship briefly 3 years ago, but being away from my children was more torturous than any abuse I could endure at the hands of my husband. So I reconciled and my kids are thriving, but I die a little each day. That’s the life I’ve accepted though, and I look for glimmers wherever I can now, especially in the faces of my children. I hope you find your glimmers too! And I’ve also realized that it take as much strength (maybe more!) to stay as it does to leave.

This is me. All of it. Same experience. And I feel for you. It seems impossible to heal from.

I sacrificed to have the time back with my kids. Even though I don’t love my ex anymore and will never trust him again (he discarded me for someone controlling and insecure who tried to dictate our time as a family and with the kids, and he let her) or ever feel loved by him again, once back together I realized just *how much* I had been missing with my kids and of their lives, and that was excruciating. Now, I treat it like the movie Anora, in a sense. I have sex with him like a sex worker, I massage his ego, I do what I need to maintain the peace. I still have friends, my time when I need it, etc, and I don’t miss dating anyone because that never really felt fulfilling compared to the idea of actually seeing my kids anyway. It’s a terrible choice to have to have made, and sometimes I worry I’ve lost my dignity (and he knows he has all the power on the relationship, because by contrast he was fine, even reveled in, halftime parenting) but I would do it all again to be with the kids. And the kids are thriving – doing much better than during the separation. I wonder if the ages of the kids at separation affects things too? Mine were young, and people whose kids were teens at the time of the separation seem to look back less (less list and precious early childhood time when it also matters more to ensure the environment is safe and parenting aligned).

less *lost and precious time

Also to the first anonymous poster – please let me know if you’d ever want to talk and/or commiserate. It’s an impossible bind. It feels hollow, depressing, like a great sadness of what’s become of my life and family, but I’m so SO glad to be back with my kids and see them thriving and in one home. I know kids can thrive under separation two, and in two homes, but in our case I just see how better they’re doing, and I am in some ways too (while my heart is also withered and irreparably scarred inside, and empty to a particular realm of partner and romantic love, probably forever. I just wanted to be loved and loved well by the father of my kids, and have an intact family – but now I know without a doubt he could leave me for someone else and treat me like nothing to him, a stranger too).

thank you for this particular comments thread! it makes me feel less alone among the comments in the vein of “my marriage is great” or “my divorce was amazing”. The truth is, both my marriage and my separation were/are a mess, and reading the other comments here, while happy for them, made me feel like a failure at both. So seeing Eve, and Jen, and the anonymous comments here is very validating. I like the analogy to Anora. It really resonates.

I’m staying in my marriage even though I don’t love my spouse because I can’t bear the idea of joint custody when they’re so little and my spouse is ill. My spouse doesn’t know my feelings and it’s hard but I think it’s my best option for now.

Y’all—and I say this with the utmost respect and love—I went through an excruciating, messiest separation and divorce over the last two years and it was still worth it. If they aren’t already, your children are going to reach the age where they notice, and start adopting the behaviors being modeled. My parents should’ve separated when I was young, and I’ve spent years recovering what I witnessed as part of my mom’s efforts to help me and siblings “thrive” and grow up under one roof. Show them how to be brave (you already are!) and they’ll thank you.

Thank you for your post. As a child of divorce and a mother of two now, I deeply appreciate your honesty and perspective. For me, the “highs” of divorce come at the expense of the children. And my mom was depressed and broke for 10 years after her divorce. It was not a positive, life affirming decision. It was horrible to witness as a kid.

Thank you for your bravery in describing a situation a lot of people don’t speak about. What is *relatively* better – being away from your kids for half their childhood or being in a deeply unsatisfying relationship? It’s different for everyone, but having lived through both, I’d choose the latter with young kids unless there was severe physical abuse. Difficult partners do not become easy co-parents — you still have to deal with them, and then the kids have no buffer and you are probably financially worse off. The trick, if you can swing it, is to have a happy life with an imperfect marriage. That may require lots of travel solo or with the kids, female friends, doing the artists way once a year, reading, escaping often mentally and physically. Can you spend a year abroad or in another city from your partner “for work”? Can you center a friend as an emotional partner? Do therapy? Go away with the kids for the summer and have them visit on weekends? Think of models of married couples in your family or literature or history. There are many creative ways to stay legally married. It is possible to have an excellent relationship with yourself and your kids despite a crummy marriage. And, maybe, things will eventually improve?

Oh goodness! I am so moved. I left this comment (I’m the OG comment poster)and honestly did not even look for replies b/c I thought everyone firmly is split into two camps: get a divorce, become happy or stay and deal with it and somehow be happy. And here we all are; just floating along, some days miserable, other times with those glimmers of joy (yes, on our childrens’ faces)-I see you Anon commentator who left an abusive marriage only to return. I appreciate every single one of you SO much. Like, tears in eyes, appreciate. I guess we are strong, Eve; thank you for that. Jen-thank you and I’m sorry you are in the middle of that decision. Obviously I have no words of wisdom. Sometimes I feel embarrassed when the commentators are children of divorce and they say, hey, kids know, just get a divorce. It feels insurmountable. And thank you SuzieQ: You certainly are describing perhaps the biggest truth. Try to create a happy life with an imperfect marriage. Succinctly put. That is exactly what I do, lots of escapism. I have traveled half the world with my best friend and I’m also in the best shape of my life because I found that the release of dopamine makes me more passive. And to the Anonymous poster who separated and returned as well; you are correct age of kids does make a difference but I still cannot fathom a Christmas alone. And I would love to support/commiserate together! Not sure how to do that?! I love this community and I appreciate every and each one of you!

Seconding what SuzieQ said. And I’ve noticed that people who choose to leave, or who enjoy it more, or who deeply grieve the separation but wouldn’t consider going back, can be more defensive about how much staying together affects the kids. Almost like irs triggering in a way that some people do choose full time with their kids, when all the choices are imperfect, when others have chosen half time (by necessity or otherwise). It doesn’t have to be awful or a psychological mess for the kids if you stay. Personally, for my kids, they did much better when I returned. I keep things respectful with their dad, and I wouldn’t miss the time and experiences with them for anything. It’s not about bravery or not. It’s about being there for them in all the ways I can, and also not missing half their childhoods. It’s not easy, and to me that *is* a courageous choice of its own. I lived the alternative path and reality, and it was good for any of us either (they had a halftime and depressed mother who missed them desperately, and no one there to buffer their father’s moods, no matter how much they could return to the “safe” home – plus the added element of a controlling and emotionally unstable potential stepmother he had chosen primarily for her own desperation and willingness to overlook his tendencies it seemed). It’s not a clean story, and it doesn’t support or reify divorce stories in the ways those who divorce might want it to, but it’s worked for us and like I said, I would do it over and over again (or actually, in retrospect, would never have chosen the separation at all). Surprisingly, their dad has also been more capable of change than I have him credit for as someone I regarded as abusive and on a narcissism spectrum (social media would have us believe *there’s no way* certain people or personality types can change, and I just haven’t found and don’t believe that to be true).

*wasn’t good for any of us either

Just a theory and hypothesis, but maybe also if you’re yourself a child of divorce, especially parents who divorced amicably and well and/or thrived (as Jo has mentioned hers did), then you’re more likely to feel ok in the new reality of the situation? For me, coming from a family where my parents never separated, and we’re both with us full time, however imperfect or conflict ridden it sometimes was (and seeing that I came through ok), I just couldn’t get to a point where the shared custody – even in happy and free moments of just the kids and me, and even after 2 years of doing all the positive life affirming stuff on my own everyone talks about – felt like anything to my body other than a devastation and the separation from my young kids deeply wrong on a cellular level.

Totally understand why women stay/go back, especially when the kids are little! There was a time where the thought of missing Christmas morning with my kids was so gut wrenching, I was willing to make it work with my ex.

I can’t speak to a new divorce with teens, but my kids are now 21 and 18 so I can talk about my experience. My ex and I split when the kids were about 3 and 6, and we had a rather unusual schedule due my originally part-time work schedule – I had Mondays and Thursdays, he had Tuesdays and Wednesdays, and we rotated every other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The older kid got her drivers’ license during COVID (COVID being one of the few times having two houses was an advantage, just for the change of scenery!), and the schedule started to get looser from then on, as we pretty much left it up to the kids on where they wanted to be. After the older one went to college, the younger one was at my house more often during the week (I live closer to the high school, which meant a little extra time to sleep in) and entirely flexible on the weekends. The kids make sure to spend time with each family. I would like to think that the whole process – divorce, having different households with different rules, and some autonomy – has made them stronger, more resilient, and more confident and independent going into college. My heart goes out to those of you going through this now. The first months of not seeing my babies every day were absolutely gut-wrenching, but it got easier once I became confident that they were being taken care of by someone who loved them and I got to discover myself and my interests all over again.

My parents split when my sisters and I were in high school, after 23 years of marriage (this was 35 years ago). They remained cordial and love each other until the end. I respect them so much for maintaining a loving, caring relationship with us and with each other. No harm done.

I have had joint custody of my two kids for several years now (50/50 split time with their dad) and our approach to holidays has slowly evolved. Our custody agreement specifies that the non-custodial parent gets two hours on the child’s birthday … we’ve done different things in different years, but most recently, my ex invited me to dinner on our older child’s birthday and we spent a few hours together having dinner and cake and opening presents. With Christmas, we did joint Christmas mornings for the first few years after we split up, and then it got to be too exhausting. This year on Easter, we had a shared brunch and Easter egg hunt … it was fine, but I was drained by the end. (Spending time with my ex is civil but it feels like a performance. Still, I think some short, shared holiday celebrations have been nice for our kids.) But there also have been lots of holidays where we just do separate things with the kids on different days. On holidays when I don’t have the kids, I have done various different things on my own. Thanksgiving is easiest because people are often happy to have extra guests, plus everything revolves around food and I like to cook. So I’ve had some really nice days joining friends for turkey. On Christmas, if I don’t have the kids, I sometimes see my parents (they are a plane ride away, so this doesn’t always work) or just hang out in my PJs with a good book. It is not always ideal. I’ve had a few holidays that felt lonelier than I would have liked. It does help to plan ahead–either with friends or to plan something I enjoy on my own (even if it’s just “hang out in my PJs with a novel.”) It has also helped to build seasonal traditions/celebrations with my kids that are not tied to a specific date on the calendar. We are having Guacamole Night! We are going camping and making s’mores! It is the first day that it’s warm enough to go swimming! Establishing those traditions has helped build some of the same sense of continuity and enjoyment that comes from more typical holidays.

Echoing much of what Erin says here: 1) Have a plan. Not having your kids on important days is shitty. Full stop. Acknowledge this and make a plan to do something that makes you happy on holidays without your kids, even if you still are a little unhappy. Spend time with friends, volunteer, read a book in your pajamas, travel somewhere totally new, etc. 2) Keep track of what makes you feel worse, and don’t do that. I still, after 10 years, do not like being without my kids on holidays, and I don’t like being around other happy families, either. I don’t like being reminded of what I am missing. Sometimes I can’t avoid spending time with my partner and his happily married parents and siblings and their spouses and children, and so I just grin and bear it and know that I will be sad. On other years, I can spend time with my partner alone or with childless friends or doing some outdoor adventure, and those years are better. 3) Set up alternative holiday / rituals. I come from a big divorced, blended family, and so we often have multiple holidays. I like this, and I make it special with my kids every year, whether we celebrate on Christmas Eve or New Year’s Eve. We also celebrate other things, and I make Thanksgiving dinner every year, no matter what. On years without my kids, we do it early and invite friends. 4) Reach out to newly divorced friends and ask them what would make them feel good and acknowledge how hard this can be. It sucks! But it beats the alternative of an unhappy marriage.

As a kid of divorced parents, I always worried about my parents being alone on a holiday. It really ate me up each year because I imagined they felt alone. So I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, because I know this is hard. I always wondered if there could be another path for holidays but it’s so hard to navigate.

Thank you so much for this comment! I am currently separating from.my husband and he makes me feel so guilty for ‘breaking up the family and Ruin the kids’ lives’ [sic]. And yes!!!. Extended family/chosen family is so so so Importen!

Ooh, this is such a good and thoughtful point! My parents split when I was 14 and I felt so guilty about missing “their time” with me that I stopped going out with friends at weekends. My mom made a big deal about missing me/wanting to see me, which of course she meant well, but made me feel I couldn’t spend time I was meant to be with her with friends. It definitely damaged my friendships and I missed out on a lot of teenage fun!

Thank you for your perspective and the suggestion to keep a ‘childlike’ mind about things. I have 50/50 custody with 3 teenage/tweenage boys and sometimes find my time with them really hard because I think I’m putting pressure on myself to have all this structure and teach them all these life lessons on my own. I think I need to relax a little and take more cues from them. Whew. Not easy, especially in the era of toxic masculinity.

Oh my goodness Cat… SAME SAME.

Hey. I am currently dissolving my marriage after lonh consideration and.years of unhappiness. It is scary very.often and i cry a lot but i also.laugh a lot and feel So Alive. I am also overwhelmed by the Support from.my friends and family. No one second guesses me and everyone helps. There is still a lot.to figure out and financially it is utterly insane to split up but life truly is short. And you deserve to feel Alive. If.you want to reach out, i’d be happy to Chat with you. Take care!

Anonie, I want to give you the biggest hug. This could have been written by me two years ago. I couldn’t decide what to do but my body decided for me. I had a panic attack that caused me to tell my husband I was leaving and I didn’t back down. Now, I’m a little more than 1 year divorced and I think I’m the happiest person I know! Trust your instincts and you will be ok. Sometimes I think I should have left sooner but I have no regrets, I left when I was ready.

I’ve been separated for over a year and it has it’s ups and downs like any other life shift. If you want to start a support group, I’d happily do it with you!

appreciate you @cat, @michelle, and @sheryl

OMG, same! My body was shutting down and I was having crazy intense migraines and body pain. I now only have them every once in awhile. My body knew. Single parenting is not always easy for sure, and I had a larger burden at first in that regard, but of the options, I still choose doing it solo.

Yep, me too. :) It’s been 12 years since I’ve been on the dating scene and I would love some advice too!

Hey, myself and my son’s dad split with much acrimony when he was 4. He’s nearly 14 now (!) and I’ve had dates and short term relationships and one 7 year relationship, and have just started seeing someone new. My advice is to take your time, and figure out yourself. If possible, date yourself for a year – go to concerts, restaurants, walks in the park, exhibitions. Remember what it’s like to do all these things, and that you don’t need a date to do them. Flit in and out of dating apps. You have all the things you need without them. Congratulations on this new next exciting part of life.

It took me two years after leaving the marital home to even think about dating. I just started (in part after watching Joanna’s positive experience!) but I am not looking for anything serious, at least for now. I think I might down the road but I am looking to have a kind of sexual adolescence given that I was an evangelical when I was younger and only slept with my husband. I have found someone now (and yes, he is a good bit younger) who I thought I’d take it slow with but that didn’t really happen. It is so fun to bring this part of me back online, so I highly recommend it. I only see him the weeks I don’t have my kids and we are keeping it casual for now (whatever that means??). I admit I got lucky. He was my first date on the apps. I think you’ll know when you are ready. And a lot of women just never are. And that is okay, too.

I LOVE THIS, Chandra. Thank you-your comment made me smile!

omg this burst of sunshine through the melancholy—thank you xo

you can 100% leave, you get one life, make a plan and make it happen.

I identify with this comment, every part of it, so deeply.

That sounds hard! My brother has sole custody of his two kids and I’ve been astonished that their mother moved a plane ride away and has seemingly so little interest in her wonderful children. It’s a lot on you but your kids are lucky to have your love and stability.

I have a similar set up to you, always really nice to hear from someone else who has a relatively well functional parallel parenting set up. It doesn’t have to be co-parenting, there are many ways to raise children well. Xx

thank you for sharing this <3

Omg this is great, thank you! I am trying to hand off more to my kids but I am still very much the household external brain and it drives me bananas.

This is so wonderful! My exhusband also became a far more involved parent after our divorce. It feels like a net positive for everybody!

I love this sooo much. But does it make anyone else sad that clearly the men were capable of stepping up this the whole time? I’m happily married now but it’s similar to how all of my ex boyfriends seemed to get their acts together after we broke up. Not when I was expressing my needs, trying to compromise, or pleading for them to make a change while we were together. Nope they always seemed to wait until… well after we broke up, when my heart was already shattered, I was worn down, and I couldn’t picture being with them for another day. It makes me a bit… crazy with anger and annoyance!

My first thought after reading what the 9 women have to say was: how are the fathers experiencing shared custody? There was a lot of word about uneven distribution of housework and childcare (which is true in the majority of households – even mine, and my partner is more involved in both (housework and childcare) then 90% of our coupled friends) – and I wonder how is it for men to suddenly get 100% of care (for the agreed amount of time they have with their kids). If women who get separated feel in general more free and unburdened, do men feel (in general) more of the opposite? It would be interesting to know.

Annie – Yes. It’s sad, and annoying! I always knew in my heart of hearts that he was capable, but not motivated. I even told him 10 years before I filed for divorce that I would not nag him, I would eventually just leave him. Now I’m happy that he can love my children enough to find the motivation he could never find to support me. And honestly, it’s a gift. If he had been just a little better, I might have stayed and missed out on the wonderful life I have now and never gotten together with my amazing partner, best friend and bonus dad to my 4 children (who I’ve known since high school!!!).

The only reason I sometimes dwell on divorce is this uneven labour. Nearly ever weekend I end up being resentful of my husband and his hobby at home (woodworking) taking so much time and his lack of energy for the kids. I love him as a person, we have great conversations, great sex and fun when we get rare date nights. I hate how drained I am as a working mother and how I’m not the mother I wish to be. I also feel very alone in mothering, with my husband not really wanting to have people over. Is this enough of a reason to end a marriage? The partner you love just isn’t the Co- parent you need the marriage. And yes we speak about it constantly, but with the oldest at 6 years old feels like this is just how it is…

This is only my experience. I’ve been married for 8 years and we have a two year old son. I’m a stay at home mom currently, though I recently worked full time outside the home. Do I feel that our household and childcare duties are split 50/50? No, but it feels close to me like 55/45. My husband probably took on more childcare than me while I was working full-time. My father-in-law is a clear role model for equitable household chore distribution. He does at least if not more than his fair share of household chores. I’ve noticed my sister-in-law’s husband is also responsible for a lot of household duties. Having children is a lot of work and your relationship changes a lot. But it clearly depends heavily on the person you marry. My dad did NOTHING around the house and did essentially 0 childcare, while my mom worked full time. I’m glad that I didn’t end up with a partner like that! Otherwise, I’d be in the same boat as many of these other women.

On the topic of co-parenting without a divorce… or marriage (which I find fascinating), I’ve always loved the move Friends With Kids, which explores that a bit: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/friends_with_kids I realize you’re making a much deeper point (and may I say, AMEN), but just wanted to mention the film since your comment brought it to mind!

Totally understandable to feel that way—being in a household with a loveless marriage made me feel similarly, so I’m not always sure it’s divorce itself that is the root problem. I’ve always wondered what it would’ve been like to see my mom more free to live her own life (with us kids, of course) when I was growing up.

This is a really unnecessary comment. People do not get divorced on a whim, especially people with children. I’m sorry your parents divorce rocked your world, but the implication that people are getting divorced without trying to fix the relationship is rude and insensitive. You never know what happened to split up a couple. Validate their choices because I promise they agonized over it and the only thing that will help them moving forward is support.

My parents “stayed together for the kids” and it was a nightmare for all of us. I really really wish they would have made the adult decision, recognized that their marriage wasn’t working, and ended it far earlier. I’ve been happily married for over a decade, and I wish they’d split up and tried to find this type of happiness for themselves. I think it would have saved all of us a lot of grief – and saved me a lot of time in therapy!

I’m sorry this was your experience, but I wonder whether it was divorce itself that made you feel this way or something your parents did and how they handled their relationship with one another and with you as they were going through their divorce that made you feel this way?

Thanks for sharing that Jennifer. I really appreciated this post, and understand that the goal was to comfort someone worried about sharing custody, not to share the different experiences of divorce.

My mom stayed for 8 years for the three of us. She was miserable. Divorce is hard and messy and necessary when needed.

As another a child of divorce, I completely disagree. Not because things were terrible and got so much better or anything, but just because…I’m fine. We all ended up fine. I see a lot of the narrative of your experience (which I’m not trying to negate) and then ‘they stayed together and I wish they hadn’t’, but very little of my experience. It was sad, but it wasn’t life-shattering for us kids in the long run, and it’s made no noticeable difference on how I view the world. For anyone reading the above comment and panicking, please hear mine and know that it can (long term, of course) be an entirely neutral experience for your kids.

I’m also a child of divorce and for me the biggest pain was my dad moving far away, he was simply not there for us anymore and this abandonment was so painful. You can marry well, to the right guy then things happen in life, people, priorities change…thats life and statistically couples more often cannot stay together. But: if after your divoce both parents are present and they keep a civilized relationship, the pain of divorce fades away as a child feels that even if we don’t live under the same roof, both my parents are these and loved.

Jennifer, I am really sorry this has been your experience! My parents did also divorce, and, unfortunately, it was the type of ugly divorce that many here seem to be working so, so hard to avoid. In so many ways, my parents’ divorce (and a not super well executed childhood) paved the way for so much of my amazing adulthood. I was previously in a marriage where I was drowning in work, housework, and emotional labor before we even had children. Knowing I did want the opportunity to at least consider having children and knowing I absolutely would not and could not have a fulfilling family life in this relationship, I initiated divorce. I took some time to really consider what I did want out of my next relationship, and I began dating again. I am now fourteen years into an amazing relationship and have three awesome kids. We have incredibly open communication, we have a labor split that works for us, and we really work hard to ensure both of us are having our needs met. All of this to say, even “bad” divorces can have an upside. Parenting is imperfect people raising imperfect people imperfectly. I commend so many of the mothers/guardians here for their thoughtful approaches to separation and divorce. And Jennifer, I really am sorry. (I mean this in the absolute least flippant way, sincerely!) I hope you are able to find some tools that help you reclaim your ability to trust. It is not easy! We live in a big, beautiful, magical (and yes, sometimes terrifying) world, and you deserve to feel everything in it as much as the next person. I wish the best for all the posters and readers!

@Jennifer, You can be with your partner for years and years and think you know what you’re getting and want to live with them for the rest of your life, but when kids enter the picture, things change. People change. It’s impossible to know how your partner will face the stressors that come with raising kids. I’ve been with my husband for more than half of my life, and we’re just now in therapy because we’ve been thinking about splitting up. It could be the best thing for our family, we’ll see, but please recognize that there’s no way to predict what your life will look like so many years down the line.

What I get most from this post as a single woman with no children yet, is that it is essential to have this talk with whoever wants to marry me. They need to be educated on their role and my expectations. Basically, he needs to be a family man, period. I could never continue to love a man who did not care enough about me to be an actual partner in child-rearing. It takes two people to create a child for a reason. I think I will save this post and others like it for them to read before we ever get married, as part of the prep. Marriage and children is no joke nowadays. There is virtually no social support system for families, (in my area of the US, suburban wasteland), in the form of extended nearby family or strong community/village type environments. It seems like each family has to reinvent the wheel themselves so if they want to create a supportive community on their own, technically you ‘can’, but you are definitely going to work hard for it. All of that tells me that this era is not the right time to be creating a family. Would I love one? Yes. But there is literally NO support for it. Women were not meant to do ALL the work on their own, because it is too hard! Our government has never valued the enormous contribution women who raise families provide to the economy. We literally GENERATE a huge portion of the economy by raising families and future taxpayers. A few European countries seem to understand this and provide both universal financial support in the form of child stipends and after birth care, so I can’t blame the US gov entirely for being slow to catch on, but I do. Our advantages should have provided amply for the creation of families and their success as future citizens…..lack of support from a husband would just literally break the camel’s back, in my case. I really think it is up to women, apparently, to demand an awakening from the government, yes, but definitely vet your man BEFORE marrying him.

Francine, you make really great points. The only catch is, I think you can vet someone before marrying them, and have people really believe things will be equal, and then have things change when you actually have kids and are actually doing it. That’s what’s so tricky, I find.

RE: vetting before marriage, I’ll echo Jo’s point. Everyone’s on their best behaviour before the wedding, before the kids, before careers get demanding, before parents get frail, before health issues etc. etc. Your partner might step up in ways you couldn’t have predicted. Or you might find you’ve married a lemon. It’s impossible to know.

I thought the man I married was going to be that equal partner. We did talk about those things, and I truely believe he intended to be that. Now that we are divorcing, he is actually apologizing for not seeing that I was feeling alone, that I was shouldering an unfair share of the burden and unappreciated. That did feel good to hear, but unfortunately the damage was done, I no longer trust him or feel emotionally connected to him. He didn’t listen to me when it mattered- when I still wanted change to save the relationship. I don’t consider our marriage a failure because we created an awesome family, but the relationship is ruined beyond repair, and our family is reorganizing in a way that hopefully everyone can thrive.

Yes this. 100%. I’m so glad to see your perspective here – it’s super rare amid all the articles and essays and testimonies about how wonderful it can be. In the end I couldn’t do it and pushed to reunite. It never got better. I also feel as if partly the idea that it would be good or great – despite the grief – convinced me to accept the separation. It wasn’t true for me and I lost years with my kids, time and experiences. The situation with their Dad had been unlivable for me, but it turns out the Los of time was even more unlivable and I so wish someone would have presented that perspective and said “you might regret it.” Or “no amount of female friendships time, eating what you want, time to do your art, being free from the control and rages of your ex, experimenting with dating etc etc will ever really justify the loss of time and experiences in already fleeting and precious childhood.”

It depends on the state and if the parents can agree. Some states have default 50/50 and very little can change that if there is a custody battle that ends up in front of a judge in family court. If parents agree, they can do whatever they want.

I would love if we all collectively brought landlines back. We need them!!!!

Agree on the landline situation! Just heard about these and curious to give it a try! And calling “can to can” is free so no need to pay the monthly subscription if both houses have one! https://tincan.kids/products/tin-can?srsltid=AfmBOor2zQhPt_uARtqbGWad-jz3Sg7__osNh3D96DGJ93d1klTOPXBm

Totally off topic to everything except landlines: get them!!! We put in a wifi landlines for $10/month!!! Our kid is too young for a cell phone but old enough to start taking control of his own social life and friendships. It is my new goal to get everyone else on board too!!

Salvia, Thank you for this- I’m brand new to sharing custody and still finding it brutally hard, but I’ve volunteered once or twice at school and it really does lessen the blow. Definitely going to keep it up next year.

Came here to say I would love to hear from more people with higher conflict situations where parents aren’t necessarily feeling like their child is well cared for at the other parent’s house! Whether it’s physical safety or a difficult environment like the one you’ve described, a lot of parents have to basically reparent or parallel parent, rather than co-parent. And there’s a lot of societal pressure to coparent, which I understand but I also wish more people realized that that only works with people whose first priority is the kids’ best interests…and that’s just not always the case, for a lot of reasons. I’ve watched several people close to me have to deal with narcissistic exes in custody situations and it’s really hard, and I think it can feel really lonely. I’m so glad CoJ is talking more about divorce, though! Even in those higher conflict cases (or maybe especially in them?) divorce was absolutely the right call, and I’ve gotten to see people come back to life afterward–even with custody stress and worry, and the kids get to have one home where they are cared for and loved with no caveats. But did want to shoutout those whose experience looks and feels very different from these! We see you and you’re doing your best in a hard spot!

And to answer your question, fellow Katie, the best we’ve been able to do is affirm affirm affirm the kid and how great they are the way they are, and re-assert values especially while watching movies, being out in the world, etc. It can get hard when they parrot the harmful stuff they’re getting, and I usually try to counter the ideas themselves by presenting an alternate worldview (one that basically tries to villify no one) without directly saying anything about the other parent. It is HARD.

I am stepmom to twins who live with us. I read once, as a stepmom or any other significant woman in a child’s life, to try to be like an aunt. Someone who loves you, doesn’t necessarily have to boss you around, and is there in a pinch. The kids are getting a lot of stress from their mom’s mental health issues. I try to create a warm, quiet, comfortable home where they can destress. I don’t push. I let them come to me. Sometimes it’s a whole big conversation and other times it’s bolstering them to help set boundaries with her as needed. It’s always fluid, and I’m always learning!

CPS can and will intervene in instances of emotional abuse. If Mother’s views are extreme and the child in question is sufficiently upset that emotional harm is occurring CPS will act. The downside of CPS is that parents loose control and the system is a meat grinder! If your daughter is upset and not wanting to spend time with the other parent your fist step is to contact your lawyer who can advise you of your options.

An absolutely essential component of parenting in that type of situation is working as hard as you can to build a stable, solid community around the child in their daily life coupled with regular rhythm, routines, and care. Teachers and family friends, an extracurricular group—caring adults that model kindness and good values are incredibly important in shifting the dynamic from “mom says” vs “dad says.” In this way, the harmful statements that the child hears from one person become exactly that: things that are only said and believed by someone who is an outlier in the child’s internal and world view. **Children are shaped by what they absorb as their “norms.”** When all the people around your child are kind and respectful in how they treat one another, then that is the norm for that child. And then if or when there is a person who is saying hateful things, then the child recognizes that as being wrong, because that doesn’t match what they see with adult behavior around them. A phrase that can be useful if you hear something from your child such as “Mom said gays are poison,” is to say to the child: “oh gosh, that must have been confusing to hear.” Because it is! And the child is confused, and so noticing that in them is so helpful first and foremost. And it doesn’t put you into an adversarial position of “Mom says” vs “Dad says” (or in this case “Auntie says”). So first off: “hm…that must have been confusing to hear, huh?” And then waiting to see what they say. Take their lead. Soft ways of countering: “some times, some people may believe things that aren’t true. And that’s hard and confusing when that happens, huh?” [pause, listening, reflecting back what you hear]” Or: “Hm, I’m sorry that was said to you, that isn’t accurate…I am guessing that was probably confusing to hear that.” — it may seem like splitting hairs, but “that isn’t accurate” can be a better approach than saying “Mom is lying” or “What Dad said isn’t true.” Again, the more that you can surround a child in their daily life with kind and respectful people, and you provide steady routines and rhythms in their life, the chaos and harmful statements and experiences will hold less and less weight with a child. And it also sidesteps children being put in an internal position of picking one parent over the other (do I believe mom or dad?). Rather they grow towards the norms they experience. So cultivate those norms within your home and around the child as much as possible, what become their norms is where they ultimately will feel safe, and who they can trust as they form their own values and opinions of the world.

I really appreciate this part of the conversation. In Canada, people in family law and social work are using the term “high-conflict” less as it can blur the reality that the conflict isn’t always mutual—sometimes one parent is creating real harm or instability. More and more, we’re recognizing how that term can hide power imbalances and ongoing patterns of coercive control or abuse. Co-parenting isn’t always possible. For many of us, parallel parenting becomes the only safe option—doing our best to care for our kids without engaging directly with the other parent, because communication just leads to more harm. It’s hard and isolating, and I’m glad to see space being made for those of us living this. I wanted so badly to co-parent—truly, openly, in partnership—but that only works when both people are willing to put the kids’ needs first like you said. Letting go of that vision was painful, but it was also a turning point in choosing stability and safety over illusion.

All I can do is echo what has been said: find good sports coaches, music teachers, people for your kid to look up to outside of your family. That way they can clearly see, without confusing feelings of loyalty etc, how good people with integrity behave. It takes the pressure off you to be the one source of truth in the face of all the madness that can come from chaotic exes. And also, take care of yourself because you’re in it for the long haul. Go swimming, eat well, try to get good sleep. Make time for pleasure. Xx

To Kate, THANK YOU, absolutely fantastic reply, and a great script for other contexts- my ex is a narcissist and is trying to involve our 3 young children in adult issues, just to have them on “his side”, and it’s awful to hear from my kids, so thank you for the helpful advice.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, Kate! I sent it to my sister and she really found it so, so helpful. I love this community.

There must be women financial counselors who specialize in this out there somewhere…

Anon, if you have some kind of work background eventually you’ll go back to work – but spousal support exists to help see you through this spot while things balance out, and of course if theres a difference in income child support is likely even with 50/50 custody. Both can be modified, and especially spousal support it can just be agreed to for a set period while you work on finding financial independence. I stayed for a long time scared about custody and money and I have never been happier since separating and divorcing. We are thriving.

Anon, see if you can get connected to a divorce women’s group in your area / state. There are a lot of resources out there – support groups, CDFA (certified divorce financial advisors), etc. they can help give you more info so you feel empowered to figure out what you want to do and how to do it. this is one: https://vestadivorce.com and another: https://www.janedoeswell.org that has services near me and they’ve been invaluable. if you find the right professionals – financial consultant, lawyer, real estate professional, etc – they often will do a 30m free intro call to get you started.

I am an American, and I am not immune from this – I work part time and have since my child was born so I spend sooooo many more hours with my child than my full-time-and-then-some husband. But I find it really sad that so many women say they can’t be themselves in partnerships (that seem to be all heterosexual) with children. To never have been alone in your house, for your spouse to never have taken the kid(s) out by himself?

Mado, I also find that shocking! Both my husband and I work, but we also both cook, do chores, watch the kid, etc. I regularly go out with friends and travel alone. My husband also takes our kid out to do things without me. Is the distribution of labor equal 100% of the time? No, but we both speak up when we need alone time, more support, etc. It makes me so sad to hear of women you feel like they can’t be themselves until they divorce, but I think that’s probably just the reality of anyone in a bad relationship regardless of country or gender.

I appreciate your comment and the nuance that you approach this topic with. It resonates with me deeply and I also feel that impossible place of trying to protect your child vs trying to protect their relationship to their other parent. I have walked this line and it is not simple or easy. You gave your kids beautiful support and it sounds like they feel like they really have a home with you. Thank you for sharing!

Thank you for sharing this, so helpful! I am right in the middle of a very challengjng divorce and it is so hard to trust that things will settle and that we may grow into new roles and patterns..

This is exactly my feelings right now, two years in. I appreciate this!

“even a flawed relationship has meaning” – this! One thing that surprised me as the kid of divorced parents was how much more I’d get to know them as individuals. When the separation came (when I was 13) I was extremely ready – it seemed clear to me that they were a mismatch. I saw in time that I’d mostly seen them as a unit. While a certain degree of blossoming happened for them post-divorce, I also witnessed what each one’s challenges were. 20 years have gone by, and I now get the privilege of seeing them as well-rounded adults – imperfect but lovable, like myself and everyone else. I can’t imagine how well I’d known them if they’d stayed together. I never married myself, but I hope that anyone who’s experienced theirs ending has given themselves grace. Those whom it also effects end up just fine. :)

This is exactly the situation a friend has been living! Thanks for sharing.

anon, I am sending you a big hug. If it helps to hear: I had an emotionally (and in some cases also physically) abusive mother and the best thing that ever happened to me was my father getting full custody of me. Yes, I still spent unsupervised time with my mother and she did some damage during that time. But I also had a stable parent who served as a counterexample, in a way that I don’t think he could have if they had stayed married. If you want to consider your options, you can speak with domestic abuse organizations and lawyers confidentially, before you make any kind of decision or plan. They could help you know what the legal options are and how to protect your kids, regardless of what you want to do.

Hi Anon, After 12 years being together and 5 years married, my husband developed an alcohol abuse problem and became emotionally and verbally abusive. Fast forward to years with our then two year old daughter I finally reached my breaking point. It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done leaving but also absolutely the right decision. I knew I could not raise my daugher under those circumstances and the emotional damage he was inflicting on me, she would learn to view as a representation of a functioning marriage and I could not allow that. I had similar feelings of wondering how I go there and feeling the intense guilt that somehow this was my fault for making a child w/ someone capable of this. But you cannot buy into that narrative. Continuing to witness explosive arguments is a hostile environment to grow up in and you, nor your children, deserve that. I also remember reading somewhere that what matters most to a child’s growing up isn’t the nuclear family unit but the quality of their mother’s happiness. So, all thats to say, I’d highly encourage you to do it for yourself AND for your children. You the power here to rewrite your story and start anew. It’s going to be painful, extremely difficult and likely involve some trauma but I promise you, you will come out on the other side better and healthier, as will your children. It’s been two years since I left and I have a new partner who is absolutely wonderful and my ex-husband has done massive work on his end to be better, something I do not think he would have ever done had I not left and he was faced w/ the extreme consequences to his actions. YOU CAN DO THIS! sending love xoxoxo

Oh, Anon, I can feel the suffocating feeling you describe. My heart goes out to you and your children. In case it’s helpful to you, perhaps you could consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800-799-7233 (also covers emotional abuse); and speaking with an attorney? It’s always good to know what your options are, so that when you’re ready to leave, you’ll be ready. Hopefully it will also help lift some of the weight, even a smidge, off your chest.

I’m so sorry you are in this situation, and I know how awful and scary it is to think of not being present to protect your kids. The most helpful piece of advice I have heard is that if you were to divorce and only have your children 50% of the time, that being around an emotional stable and healthy parent only 50% of the time is still better for a child than being around an emotionally unstable and abusive parent 100% of the time. Just something to consider, a way to potentially reframe how you think about the situation.

Becky, it sounds like you are doing a great job as a mom and human! I would let go of the guilt, the thing to remember is – NO life is perfect. No parent is perfect, no situation is perfect. Is it a little hard to live in two homes…sure, probably, but every kid goes through something hard. I would assume both you and your former spouse being at peace and happy in your lives is probably better overall for your child.

I resonate so deeply with your experience. It’s been mine, too.

Thank you for this. I’m terrified as to how the control issues will play out if we separate. Miscommunication/undercommunication is already a massive means of control in my house and I live in fear of what it will be like when there’s even less reason to “remember” vital information. Your comments about not being there / not knowing if they will be supported really hits home. Thank you for sharing your struggle and making me feel less alone, less crazy.

I’m so relieved to see other people talking about this in the comments–I have multiple moms close to me dealing with exactly this. @Anon, the concept of parallel parenting might be helpful to read about. You are not crazy or alone in dealing with this, I think it’s way more common than people realize. Miscommunication as a means of control is so real and SO hard to explain to people that haven’t experienced it. I’m sorry you’re going through that, and in case no one has ever said they believe you, I do!

Just to say, yes to all of this. I spend a lot of time asserting the court ordered boundaries. It is exhausting, but it does get easier. I just have a screenshot of it now that I send over and have stopped replying to anything drama filled. not living with the problem inside your home is an enormous relief.

I made a similar comment on another post, but I want to reiterate that a parenting coordinator can really help with enforcing boundaries, especially when there are control issues. The parenting schedule needs to be sacrosanct, and if one parent isn’t showing up for parenting time that needs to be documented and shown to the parenting coordinator so that changes in custody can be rapid and enforceable.

these are great follow-up questions, anon!! we will do more posts about this. for our kids, Alex and I generally agree that it’s okay for our two houses to have two different sets of rules (within reason of course!). and we need to agree on where they go to school, per our separation agreement — although we were always pretty aligned on those decisions anyway. one thing that is tricky is our different world views and, to some extent, political views, so sometimes the boys come home and I feel like I’m countering some of the messaging from their other house. their dad probably feels the same way, to be fair! would love to do more posts, anon. thank you for the specific questions xoxo

Anon, this is such a tricky part of coparenting. My personal experience is that simply letting go of the little stuff (screen time, how much junk food my kid is eating, bedtime being later at dads than at my house) is not only easier on me but easier on my son. I have opinions about how much time he spends gaming at his dads, but I’ve just come to accept that it’s not my house and I don’t get a vote unless it’s a real safety issue. Harmony just feels like more of a priority than trying to manage a house I don’t live in. But it’s definitely hard, especially at first!

Anon, I feel for you. And I will say that although I am still married, I have had a front row seat to a couple divorces where it has not been rosy. None of my friends regret the divorce but wow – things are hard with their exes. Lots of erratic decisions, not showing up when they are expected, inconsistencies (or total lack) in their payment for child support/alimony. In some cases, a lot of emotional codependency that continues and – even with lots of boundaries – the moms struggle to be more intense with the ex because it comes back to bite their kids. It’s been really hard. That being said, in the cases I know, their kids are amazing. They are kind, mature, connected to the stable parent, and are very clear-eyed in their understanding of relationships. It’s heart wrenching for their mothers that they can’t protect them from all of it, but it’s amazing to see their kids’ resilience.

I really relate to what you’ve written here. That feeling of being out of step with a co-parent on values, tech, school, even basics like routines—it’s so hard, and so rarely talked about. I’ve found that what gets framed as “co-parenting” just doesn’t work for everyone, especially when there’s deep misalignment or ongoing tension. Something that helped me was learning about parallel parenting—it’s a model where parents disengage from each other as much as possible and focus on building stability in their own separate homes. It’s not ideal, and it wasn’t what I wanted, but it let me stop pouring energy into trying to collaborate with someone who wasn’t willing or able. It doesn’t fix everything, especially when big decisions are still shared, but it did ease the day-to-day.

A parenting coordinator can be invaluable to help with situations like this. I ended an emotionally-abusive relationship with a narcissist when our kids were 6 and 8, and it was impossible to co-parent with him. Having a parenting coordinator helped establish agreed-upon rules and norms and then helped ensure that they were adhered to. Eleven years into this, it’s very clear (to everyone!) that their father and I are not aligned on most things, but having a PC kept the kids from being used as pawns. E.g., arbitrary and capricious punishments, last-minute changes to custody schedule, refusal to take kids to activities and events as “consequences,” etc. The PC kept all of that BS from happening while they were with their father.

I’m sure you wanted a whole post, but I’m happy to answer some of the things you mentioned. I pressed charges against my now ex-husband for domestic violence, and I still have a restraining order that prohibits him from communicating directly with me. He is very argumentative, and frequently changes the schedule at the last minute. The only way for me to deal with it is to comply exactly with the custody agreement. (And I have a lawyer on retainer who gets involved when my ex tries to go against the custody agreement). My kids are 2.5 and 5, so when they ask when they’re going to see their dad, I only talk about stuff that is in the next three days. Anything past that, I tell them that I will have to check the custody calendar. I’m not legally allowed to criticize him to our kids, so when he’s late or doesn’t show up, I tell them that they are the kids and the grown up is in charge of following the calendar. When they leave for his house, I make sure to tell them how long they’ll be gone, and when they’ll come back to my house. I have definitely taken the parallel parenting route, so when my kids talk about “we’re going to do xyz at Dad’s house” I tell them “when you’re at Dad’s house, Dad is in charge” because I never want to be the co-parent who signed off on something that’s happening at the other house. The only exception is frequent reminders to my kids to wear helmets with bikes and scooters. I know there are completely different routines, rules around tech, etc. between the two houses, but due to the high conflict, I just don’t feel like there’s any way for me to successfully discuss that stuff with him. I work on providing as much stability and consistency for my kids when they’re with me, and trying to establish a baseline that we don’t keep secrets because that’s the only way I know to counteract the stuff from his side.

that sounds like a great arrangement, Lauren! so you always get a full weekend morning to yourself, every week.

I think because I grew up with divorced parents, I feel very little “mom guilt” over any of my choices! I went on four trips without my child last year, I have him in full-time preschool over the summer despite being a teacher with “summers off,” and I go out regularly with my husband and friends without my kid. I feel like it was modeled for me that parenting is a relationship, not a job that requires x number of hours per week to be successful.

I agree. We don’t have a schedule like you do but I know that if I tell my husband “I really just need some alone time” he will make it happen. I also have had the privilege to travel solo about once a year since 2022 and it’s given me so much confidence in myself. I also know I’m lucky to live close to my in-laws and trust them with my child, which not everyone has, but man support networks are so necessary. I feel like I hear so many parents white-knuckling it because they don’t have support they feel they can count on.

I feel the same. I was SO heavy-hearted when I dropped my kids off at first, even if they were just going over to their dad’s apartment for dinner. I also had to get used to the all-or-nothingness of shared custody. you either are the solo parent with your kids, or you’re alone. that was a strange feeling. But now I’m used to it, and I’ve grown to *love* my solo time. I still am the primary parent (arrange all extracurricular/summer activities, schedule and take them to doctors and dentist appts, attend school conferences and meetings, help with homework, etc etc) so I really lean on my alone time (which is also now time that I spend with Freddie) and soak it up. It’s really nice to remember who I am when I’m on my own. The one thing I find hard, still, is when they go with Alex for a week or two on a trip. Then I really really miss them. xo

I was literally just thinking, the exact same thing and I like my partner 🙂

I don’t’ know… I kind of love my husband. I think I’ll stay 😊

I know you are joking but divorce is super hard, and expensive, 0/10 would not recommend unless it is absolutely necessary – and most all divorces ARE absolutely necessary. I agree this article paints a bit of an overly rosy picture.

So true Anon, apologies if my comment came across as glib! My in-laws separated in 2019 when their children were grown and even that was extremely difficult on the whole family. It is never an easy decision taken lightly!

I felt the same way.

I know! Makes me feel really sad and wonder what married people can do. Like, do we just get rid of marriage altogether or is there a model that makes married parenting work well for all?

this Nytimes article addresses that sentiment — here’s a gift link: https://www.nytimes.com/2022/10/08/opinion/married-divorce-parent.html?unlocked_article_code=1.PU8.Vap2.mNraznyOm4_D&smid=url-share

I think everyone commented how better they were after divorcing their spouse because they were not in great marriages. I am happy in my marriage, I feel that my husband and I are very equitable on the every front, but if this wasn’t the case I think, of course, I’d be better by myself. Therefore I didn’t have anything to comment on, nevertheless, I still found very interesting reading the post and comments.

Thank you for sharing, Joanna!

I’ve often felt like this!! As a big introvert, one week of family then one week of alone time sounds absolutely dreamy. And I’m very happily married! We were lucky enough that, when a reckoning moment came we were able to work things through with a therapist so we could get on the same page about parenting and mental load, those kinds of things. And for time off, I have gone on in-laws strike. If they are coming to us or my husband wants to visit them, fantastic! They can all enjoy a holiday together, and I will be somewhere else. This happens maybe twice a year for a week or so, so I get a couple of family-free weeks a year at least. I’m lucky that they haven’t gotten offended and understand that I just need the time. Likewise, if my husband is doing anything on a weekend that’s even slightly conceivably kid friendly, then he knows for the sake of our mariage that he’s going with the kid, and I will be alone in the house. It’s taken some serious boundary and expectation setting and a LOT of explaining about the extra load of motherhood, but he gets it now. I’ve managed to make married life workable for me by basically embracing being a bitch occasionally, haha! By which I just mean, being very upfront and vocal about my needs, and communicating that if my needs aren’t met then I cannot stay married. Again, I realise this is mostly luck, and I would have been prepared to walk out if he hadn’t gotten on board. But like, hetero marriage is a tough model to make work I guess. I don’t know any women who would say it’s ideal or sort of naturally workable. It takes so much modifying to get to be sustainable in terms of its day to day functioning.

I liked someone else’s comment about trading off more even when married, like who is getting up on on a Saturday AM with kids. I feel equitable in my marriage and our split of parenting duties. But it could still be fun to give each other more planned breaks.

Wanted to pipe up and recommend Kristen Ghodsee’s Why Women Have Better Sex Under Socialism – great book looking at how adequate social safety nets and support for families lead to better support for women overall. More equitable care burdens can exist when there is investment in social caring for children, and a social safety net also frees women from the financial penalty of divorce, which I’d argue is a tool for better relationship health!

I stayed for far longer than I should have because I was afraid of the expense(s). The legal fees are a beast, for sure. Even though my ex and I generally get along, the lawyers’ fees definitely add up. That said, I was pleasantly surprised to find that I actually had more money left at the end of the month than before, despite having gone from two salaries to one. Part of it was because money flowed through my ex’s fingers like water, but a big part of it (being honest here) was that we were both spending a lot of money « escaping » the demande of our marriage, whether it was through vacations, or dining out, bottles of wine, etc.

Hi Mary, I already commented about how much easier my life is post-divorce, and how I’m a better, more present mom, but I’ll be honest- the financial part is/was the hardest. Like many women, I went to part time employment after becoming a mom. Leaving my marriage was really financially difficult and honestly I’d be far better off financially if I had just stayed married. I still don’t regret it. I DO regret sacrificing my career for my former spouses, and I REEEEEALLY regret declining child support- I choice I made out of guilt for leaving- but it still feels worth it to have a life I love, even if money is tight. My son has never seemed to notice, but he definitely noticed that his mom is happy now.

It’s essential to actually write out agreements regarding different expenses. Most people think that if a kid is going to camp, or on a school field trip, or that the fees for after school sports, or a class activity that those are joint expenses, yes? If it’s not spelled out that those are shared expenses, they will not be shared expenses. As an example, my ex (falsely) declared that “that is what child support is for.” And refused to contribute anything towards any activity or fee or expense—either optional or required ones. He once even demanded that I purchase homework supplies: paper, pencils, pens, and drawing supplies to send to *his* home because he said that purchasing anything for our child was what child support money was for. (It is not!) He wanted it to hurt me financially after the divorce, and did. He would also say things to our child such as “your mom won’t buy this for you, but I will” as he would buy expensive lego sets or video games, while I was left paying 100% of all school fees, summer camps, class trip fees, after school activities, all of their clothing, jackets, all the shoes, every single thing. In the winters, I would need to pack a bag with winter jackets and rain boots and snow boots, and hats and gloves, and anything and everything they might need for the weekend for both city and outdoor wear. If something wasn’t in the bag, he’d make a point to tell our child that “it’s your mom’s fault you only have sneakers this weekend and your feet are cold.” He would come up with “activities” that they “couldn’t” do based on conjuring up a narrative around something I hadn’t packed. “She did that on purpose…” Multiple times my ex would also “forget” to bring back the rain boots or snow boots at the end of the weekend, and as we lived 230 miles apart, and visits were every other weekend (and we met halfway on the road) that meant that our child then wouldn’t have his boots or his parka for the two weeks at home. When it’s January and your kid doesn’t have a winter coat because Dad “forgot” to put it back in the bag (again), do you think you just let your kid freeze for two weeks, or do you go buy another jacket, and another pair of rain boots…? Fast forward several years, when it came time for taking SATs and applying to colleges, that was also something that he refused to contribute to—I paid for all of the tests, and for all of the college applications. No one would be surprised at this point to know he refuses to pay anything towards college expenses. And how could I forget braces? Did you know that those are “optional.” It doesn’t matter if the dentist says your child desperately needs them or they’re going to suffer jaw alignment issues as an adult. Braces are considered optional under most people’s dental insurance, as a cosmetic choice, not a necessity, no matter how misaligned the jaw is. So yes, I paid 100%, and I paid for all the retainers, all of it. There are people who do not care if their actions negatively affect the child, because above all they want to “win” and hurt the other parent as much as possible. It’s imperative to iron out the “extracurriculars” and the “optional” things in a child’s life and make agreements as to how you’ll pay for them. Otherwise the choice is between *you* paying for it, or the child not going with the class on their trip, not having boots, not joining the theater club, not playing soccer, etc. Iron things out. Don’t think it’ll work itself out.

Mary, I would suggest speaking with a family law attorney (or a few) to see if they could give you a better understanding of what kind of child support you could possibly receive. They will likely not give you a set amount at a consultation but maybe alleviate some of your fear. If there is that big of a discrepancy between you and your spouse’s income, you should receive child support. I was slow to make a decision for many years due to finances and when I finally came to the decision I could not stay in my marriage anymore I was making just enough to cover being on my own. I’ve actually been able to save more money than my husband and I ever did these last 5 years of being single because I’m more of a saver and he was a spender. Also for several years leading up to the marriage ending I had some money saved up of my own that was useful in helping me set up another household (like $1000 not a lot of money). The money part is stressful when you set out on your own, but planning ahead and can make you feel a little better.

Well, given your disparate incomes, child support will likely be a part of a split. And depending on the length of your marriage, spousal support could be as well. This means, that in addition to splitting any assets you have acquired during the marriage, you could likely have monthly payments from your ex while you are still raising children together to supplement what you are able to earn on your own. The courts really like to keep the kids experience at both house’s the same, aka if your ex makes a lot more money than you, they pay more in child support so your kids have a similar experience at your house as his. Many states will have a child support calculator if you’d like to estimate what that might be. The biggest issue is the cost of the divorce itself which can be brutal if you don’t see eye to eye.

Kate, that is excruciating. I’m so, so sorry.

Just an FYI that each state and territory has a government child support enforcement office and anyone can register their child support order through this office. What that gets you is the government acting as your enforcement arm, with the ability to garnish wages, take tax returns, etc. if child support is not paid. Their websites also have a wealth of information like how often you can go back to family court to request an adjustment. PLEASE get child support for your kids! Divorce is a leading time when women and kids are impoverished.

I completely understand how scary the financial side of divorce can feel, but do remember that in most states, child support is legally required and calculated based on income and custody arrangements, so the parent who earns more is generally expected to contribute fairly. It’s usually quite standardized, and judges don’t often waive it unless both parents agree and the children’s needs are fully met otherwise. Many parents I know have found the structure of legal child support surprisingly stabilizing once things were in place. You’re not alone, and it’s okay to feel worried—but there are systems designed to help protect you and your kids. Even before getting a lawyer, you can look up the rules for where you live and inform yourself on what things would look like in your situation.

What others have said is all true, Mary, and you will definitely be eligible for child support and probably spousal support. However, I just want to acknowledge the reality, it is less money overall, because keeping 2 households running is obviously more expensive than 1, so both parents will likely feel the financial tightening (the one receiving financial support AND the one paying). But staying for financial reasons is not a good idea, and every family I know that has gone through divorce (my own ex and I included) have figured it out and been ok. It is more important that kids have (at least one) happy, stable parents than a bigger house, more Christmas presents, etc. in my opinion.

I think the financial part can be really messy and depends on your unique situation. I made more money than my ex, and we agreed that we wanted the kids to stay in their (awesome, outdoorsy) home. That home was very challenging to maintain and upkeep – so I was willing to allow him to keep the house (he gets the equity and pays the mortgage), while I kept my retirement account (those were worth about the same) rather than do 50/50 on both those things and force a sale. And since I make more, and he can’t really afford the mortgage on his own, I pay about 2k/month in child support, so that the kids can stay in their home. I got an apartment, and the kids stay with me every other weekend and come for dinner on some weekdays. At least in our state (WA) it seems that the court will let you do whatever arrangement you want- as long as you agree. So far so good- we haven’t needed lawyers or even a mediator yet- but I have both on speed dial in case something happens, because while my ex is a great, involved Dad, his emotional issues cause him to sometimes have big reactions and threaten big changes. It’s been exhausting and hard, but I’m hoping it will work out and we can continue to be relatively civil (we both have our moments) and put the kids first.