10 Surprising Parenting Tips
One of the best realizations I’ve had since becoming a mom is this: if you want good parenting advice, go straight to the source — your fellow parents. Today, CoJ friends share their best tips, from dealing with picky eaters to weathering tantrums…
Something I’ve learned myself:
1. One of the easiest ways to build a young child’s confidence is to let them help you with a daily chore like cooking or Swiffering the floors. Yes, at first they usually end up leaving you more work to clean up, which can be a drag. But the look on their face when they master a new skill, like pouring pancake ingredients in a bowl with no spills or sweeping together a tiny dust pile? Magic.
From Abbey:
2. My secret weapon for picky eaters? We play board games at dinner. Because when kids are focused on plotting their next Connect Four move, they mysteriously forget whatever it is they love to resist — a new texture, an unfamiliar vegetable, a food you know they like but they’ve decided to hate. Currently, our dinner table has transformed into a nightly Chinese Checkers tournament. We’ve had success with Junior Scrabble and those classic fishing games, too. It works wonders with five-to-seven-year-olds.
From Ruth:
3. Take more videos of your kid than you think you need, or want. Take so many that you’re embarrassed by how many videos you have. Photos are great, but you’ll never regret having just one more video of your kid’s wiggling bum during that last week she was crawling, before she decided she would walk from here on out.
From Miranda:
4. Resolve to greet your child with delight every single morning. You don’t have to be ‘on’ the rest of the time, of course, but starting your child’s day with a friendly face is life-changing. My wonderful mom did this for me, and after her sudden death, I resolved to do it for my kids.
5. It’s okay to let kids fail. It can feel terrible, but it’s important.
From Loryn:
6. You can’t stop a full-blown tantrum in the middle, so don’t even try. The only thing you can do is acknowledge their feelings, and then wait as long as it takes for your kid to get through. For my child that can be a VERY long time. So, I make it a point during tantrums to focus on my own calmness with deep breaths. Over time, her emotional storms have calmed down more and more. Your kid will eventually develop the ability to self-regulate, but until then, try not to be too hard on them or yourself.
From Caroline:
7. My ultimate baby hack is called *nap cap*. Basically: when your baby is overstimulated and having a hard time falling asleep, slip the front of their hat down over their eyes, then rock or stroll them for a bit, and BAM. They’re out. It’s basically an eye mask for babies and works well in bright places like the airport or at a restaurant.
8. I have three boys — ages six, four, and two — and I love reading around them. If they’re watching a show, I’ll sit near them on the sofa and read my novel. If they’re drawing, I’ll draw with them for a while, and then turn to reading. If they’re running around the park, I’m on a bench with my book. This didn’t start as a way to tap into their subconscious and force them to love reading, but now my six-year-old is reading independently and constantly saying things like ‘Mom, maybe this afternoon we could just have a little cozy reading time.’ It feels like a parenting peak.
From Edith:
9. Consider unfollowing those good-but-overwhelming constant-parenting-advice Instagram accounts and newsletters. Seeing ‘how to be a better parent’ all day is draining. You’re doing great.
From Jenny:
10. What I’d say to new parents is: Don’t beat yourself up if you go down a road you thought you wouldn’t go down, like using a pacifier or not eating dinner at the table as a family. Kids are way more game to change things up when you’re ready than you may think. Nothing’s set in stone.
Thank you so much, parents. What would you add?
P.S. Home as a haven, and what stage of parenting are you in right now?
(Photo by Valbar Studio/Stocksy.)
Comments
190 commentsYou don’t need to be “on” all the time…it’s exhausting and besides, kids need to learn to entertain themselves too….books, toys, creative play. And as proud as you may be about your kids’ achievements, remember, they are human beings….not your personal accomplishment. You are not a failure if your kids are not a super star athlete or scholar or have some superlative talent….Don’t put that pressure on your kid.
So true! My son’s pediatrician told us early on- you just need to make sure he’s happy with himself. And as he’s grown older, that advice continues to ring true because if our kids can manage that, they will be alright.
They need to know you are there for them, always!
Eat dinner early. Meal.prep on Sundays..let kids help Put photos together on a family wall.so they can remember the fun stuff. Build tents..watch movies. And bike ride with them Treasure every moment . And help in the classroom. Bring supplies etc. Join boy and girl Scouts. Love solves everything .
Parent the child in front of you, and take time to see and know the child you actually have, not the child you might “want” or expect. Siblings will have the audacity to need different parenting from one another. Children aren’t cookie cutter copies, so you need to go with what they need not what worked for the oldest.
Peak parenting IS both you and your child simultaneous reading novels, and the child asking, “but can we be touching?”
This is gold, thanks Jannelle! I love the advice to unfollow parenting accounts. I’m a new parent and I get so stressed out about conflicting advice and all the different philosophies. I love the idea of disconnecting from all the advice and trusting myself a bit more.
This is a great thread! My boys are 24 and 26 and are delightful, gainfully employed, wonderful, college educated adults…who put me through hell in high school. They were normal babies, fine school age kids – the usual stuff, nothing out of the ordinary and then holy wow high school – went completely off the rails. Like damn near didn’t graduate, cut class, police involved more than once, drugs, alcohol, dangerous stuff. Why? I still don’t know. Where am I going with this? The most important thing is relationship – love them no matter what. A poor grade in 7th grade math? Unlikely to derail their entire life. Don’t ignore it, that’s not what I’m saying, just be careful what you lose your mind over. Get help when things go south – don’t wait. Listen to your gut – if your kid is not themselves pay attention to that. Don’t listen to everyone else who doesn’t know your child – I cannot tell you how many people told me to throw my oldest out of the house when he got into trouble and I wouldn’t do it. I could not understand how NOT knowing where he was when he was already in trouble and making bad dangerous decisions would make things better for him in the long run. Did I enable him? Maybe. But he’s still alive, he’s clean and sober and college educated with a job and life. Also – love the kid you have – not the kid you wanted or the kid you hoped for. Get to know that kid – they probably are a pretty okay human.
This is such good advice—thank you for sharing. Your boysp are lucky to have you.
Beautiful reminder to keep things in perspective
First time mom of an almost 4 month old so not much advice to pass along yet – but a surprising glimmer in early parenthood has been having a mirror in baby’s nursery, above her changing table. Even when I look exhausted, unshowered, and am still in my pajamas at 2pm, it brings me joy to see myself as a mom, and to see my face next to my baby’s. It reminds me that I’m really a mom, really doing it. High recommend.
That’s wonderful advice!
Record your child (just voice!) every once in a while. My husband was aces at this when our now-18-year-old was little. One he recorded over breakfast has young Victor saying, “Papa? Sometimes I feel like I have you in my heart.” Gah. It kills me to this day. It’s such a lovely, small and perfect moment.
omg this is so cute
This is so adorable. I try and record our boys (4 and 1). The other day I recorded the 4-year old learning to play chess with my husband while the baby crawled under the table. We had just returned from my in laws farm and they have more colorful language than we do (they are the absolute best in laws). Anyway, my husband was explaining to our kiddo how he was going to check his bishop and our precious little boy replied, “Oh SHIT, Daddy, are you serious.” My camera was shaking from me laughing along with our husband. So yes, hit record!
We got a new dog a few months before getting pregnant. The dog is a wonder and a delight but the first few months had their rough moments of adjustment: she ate an entire bag of treats while we were at work, she vanquished a groundhog, she shimmied under a gap in the fence just to see what was going on beyond our yard. And my husband was the one who was more anxious about impending parenthood, so he’d frame it like, if we can’t get it right for a dog, what are we gonna do in a few months with a baby?! So, here’s my best parenting wisdom, straight from some insta reel, but really borne out in our experience of parenthood so far: welcoming a new human is easier than welcoming a new dog, bc at least they’re the same species as you!!! And it’s so true. I’m never gonna have the capability to know which parts of the yard smell so amazing that they prove to be the dog’s siren song. But I actually CAN understand why my baby has trouble falling asleep on an airplane, because I feel like I have never in my life fallen all the way asleep on a plane. I don’t know which dog treats are meh versus knock off the counter and hoover up level of good, but I totally understand what my son is saying when he makes a bleh face after trying squash puree. That texture kinda weirds me out too, buddy!! And on and on. So, if you’re anticipating the baby days or you’re early in them right now, I recommend just remembering that babies are people, and you can figure out people!
THIS IS SO TRUE! Especially a puppy. I always say puppies are harder than newborns, because a puppy is needy like a newborn but destructive like a toddler! Its a newborn and toddler in one package! Adorable but bananas in a way that most newborns just aren’t.
One of my lifelong best friends is a child psychologist and when I was pregnant I asked her what her top advice to “not eff up my kids” would be. She said this: 1. Love them to death. 2. Let them fall down. (Plus, the Batman line, “why do we fall? so we can learn to get back up”) 3. Freedom within appropriate boundaries. 4. “Will this matter in a year?” (for when you’re stressing about whatever relatively small thing is happening right now) 5. 9 times out of 10 a tantrum/big feeling will be calmed by simply naming it. (Sometimes they’re upset because they don’t know why they’re so upset, so helping them understand how they feel, and why, is all they need.) Hugs to all the parents/parent figures out there!
Parent of a 18 & 14 year olds here – I have 3 words for you: The Sibling Date. We realized our kids get along great on vacation, when its just the two of them and they don’t have a distraction or reason to be annoyed at each other. So when they start driving each other (and us) crazy, we send them out on an errand together. Rule is no phones except for navigation. Note we live in an exceedingly pedestrian/public transit friendly place. They do us an errand, we buy them lunch. They think they are having to do something for us and getting lunch or ice cream or whatever on us and we’re actually getting them to talk to each other. First time we did it, they came home with a plan for what they were going to do together for the rest of the afternoon.
What a great tactic! I’m trying this.
Oo, I have some! For baby and toddler parents, because we have a nearly 2.5 year old and a 9 month old :) * Keep a change of clothes and a diaper inside a zippered reusable wet bag in the diaper bag! When they fall in a puddle, have a blowout, spit up all over themselves, etc. their change of clothes is super easy to find, and you can put them in their new clothes/diaper and then put all the dirty clothes into the wet bag, zip it up, toss it back in the diaper bag, and wash it when you get home. Once you pass the baby stage, the wet bags are fabulous for wet bathing suits! * When you’re in the super wiggly, trying to crawl away during a diaper change stage – keep a tiny box or basket nearby with one or two things that they only get to see when they’re getting a diaper change. Give them one to hold. Do not buy new things for this, just use things from around the house, ie. a mini kitchen whisk, a key chain, an interesting piece of duplo, a small animal figurine, a tiny spoon. As long as it’s washable, it works! Switch them out when they start to lose their allure. * If you have a toilet-trained toddler who is freaked out by the loud flush on automatic toilets – keep a medium size band aid in your pocket at all times! Keep lots in your bag or stroller for cuts and scrapes for sure, but keep one right in your pocket for covering the automatic toilet sensor. Draping toilet paper doesn’t work when it’s the in-the-wall kind of sensor, post-its are annoying and bulky to carry around, and although tape is great (I bring a little rolled up length of masking tape when I know for sure there will be automatic toilets, like at the zoo) but a band aid in my pocket has saved the day so many times when we encounter an unexpected one! And I’m honestly planning to keep doing it even after our kids are older – last week I was able to give one to a parent whose kid was refusing to go pee because of the automatic flush. I gave them the bandaid and she happily ran right into the stall! * Play your kids the music you love, from the time they are newborns (we started even earlier, when I was pregnant). Our toddler loves to choose the music now, and requests songs by Tracey Chapman, The Band, Fleetwood Mac, The Talking Heads, Joel Plaskett, Gladys Knight, Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, Mavis Staples, etc! It is such a fun thing to share with them, and our days are filled with music that we love to listen to. * Introduce them to kid podcasts! We started when our son was two years old. I know the screens/screenfree debate is so fraught for parents, and we are so excited to show our kids all the fun movies and shows when they are a little bit older, but we are holding off for now. So, we listen to tons of music (as above) and our kids also listen to kid podcasts every day. Our toddler’s absolute favourites right now are Deep Blue Sea and Molly of Denali (we’ve also heard good things about Gardenkeeper Gus, it will be the next one we try). Also, a plea – most of the kid podcasts are for older kids, there aren’t a ton of options for toddlers and preschoolers, so any COJ readers who work in podcasts, please, please, please make more!!
We have always done podcasts for our kids too! Mine are 6 and 8 now and still love them. When they were young, they liked Stories Podcast (cover is a green dragon), Julie’s Library (Julie Andrews reading childrens books, tragically only one season), and Magic Woods. They still love Little Stories Everywhere, which is so well produced, I like it too!
Not sure you will get it in the states but in the Uk we have the BBC, and through this we have BBC sounds, there is so much audio content for littles through that on the CBBC side ( there usually around 10 mins long) lots of lovely shows ( my 3/4 year ld loves Andys sound adventures as hes animal mad) if you have a yoto, you can find it as a podcast.
Dragonfly Tales will see you right! Lovely stories which are enjoyed by my 3yo and 10yo alike.
When you have little kids sometime “Breakfast for dinner and clothes PJs!” is a saviour.
I get the breakfast for dinner part, but what does “clothes PJs” mean?
Bath bomb Saturday Sing and clap the jingle “BATH BOMB SATURDAY! BATH BOMB SATURDAY! WHOOP WHOOP!” Throw in all the toys, put on some music, and of course a bath bomb that changes the colour of the water as well as fizzing everywhere 👌 Followed up by a nice extra large fluffy towel and a cuddle, then fresh pjs and books as standard. My 4 year old declared last Saturday: “Mummy, I’m a bath man” ❤️
Any tips to survive a colicky newborn? One of our twins has currently regulatory issues, she cries bitterly because she wants to be burped, is tired or sometimes no discernible reason at all, she becomes all red and stiff. We are doing everything that’s suggested, the doctor and our midwife we’re doing great and just need to ride it out, but it’s just heart-breaking and nerve-wrecking. She is a preemie. 6 weeks adjusted, so maybe we’re past peak or past peak in another two weeks. Every day one of us is crying as well. If it weren’t for her twin sister who is generally happy I‘d think I am the worst parent. What keeps me afloat is when she smiles and coos and interacts. I am just afraid that it’s just not this phase that is difficult but probably every phase if she is so sensitive? How can we help her to calm her nervous system? And I fear that we are bad parents to her sister, as she often as has to wait as she is not wailing and that this dynamic will go on forever, and they will be in therapy because of that and (am I exhausted and catastrophizing? Yes)
Oh Sina, my heart goes out to you! I didn’t have a colicky newborn but did have some complications when my little one was first born, and it really takes a toll on your mental health. I just read a study that singing to your baby improves their happiness (https://medicine.yale.edu/news-article/singing-to-babies-improves-their-moods/) –for me, singing to my little one helped me to regulate (it made me breathe). Take the baby outside if you can. So much skin-to-skin. I’m assuming you’re familiar with Harvey Karp’s 5 S’s but just throwing that out there in case. Her sensitivity is not a personality trait, it’s just her biology getting sorted out on this side of the womb! There will be an end to this. If her sister is generally happy, as you say–I think she’s set, and you don’t need to worry that she’ll remember this in therapy one day. (There will be other things, hahaha) Every phase is just that, a phase. Hold tightly to that knowledge! Take care of yourself as best you can, and ask for what feels like extravagant help. I’m sure you’re exhausted. Let people fill the gaps, even if you don’t know them super well, even if the gaps feel embarrassing (ie, please help me clean my kitchen, please pick up more nipple balm). It’s a gift to be allowed to help! And get started with a specialist in postpartum therapy, once you’re able to get a bit more sleep. Go ahead and schedule the appointment now for a few weeks from now, because you are really going through it, and it will be so helpful to process this challenge you’re experiencing. xoxo, hang in there!
Congratulations, and I’m so sorry! This is really really hard. My baby was full-term singleton and absolutely miserable from 8 weeks to 14 weeks. He was super disregulated, and because he was, so was I. I didn’t have the space to care for myself physically or rest, and my spouse and I just spiraled down with him. It was VERY hard. If you can find someone you trust (some ways to find a well-reviewed infant expert babysitter are care.com or UrbanSitter in the US) consider hiring someone to come to your house a couple days a week to give you a break, give your babies someone new to sync up with, and give you space to re-regulate yourself (or just meltdown in peace) during this time. 3-4 hour shift, a couple days a week, for a few weeks could really help you stay above water during this incredibly intense developmental window for you and your babies. And it’ll give you another experienced (and well-rested) person’s insight on ways to help your hard-time-having-baby gain more comfort and enjoyment throughout her days and nights.
Oh Sina, I wish I could give you a tip to make the crying stop. I had a colicky newborn and it was just so, so, so hard. I still wonder if I was just doing something wrong, and he’s six now! The only thing I can tell you is to give yourself grace as you struggle through this period. It will end, and it will all get easier, but I think there’s something to the idea that colicky babies develop into sensitive kids. Mine is brilliant and kind and joyful, but he has felt every big transition in his little life, including being born, very deeply. What I have learned through some trial and error is that the best thing his dad and I can do to help him is to be calm, steady, and unwavering in our love as he attempts to brave the world beyond our walls. You’ve just met your daughter, and she’s still learning to trust you, but you’ll keep teaching her this lesson again and again. And hey, ending up in therapy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world! We could all use a little help.
This sounds so exhausting. Yes to what others have said and you are 100% not a bad parent!! Believe us with older kids that you will indeed look back and think babies be babies. You are in the thick of it and keep talking to midwife for help. You sound like you’ve been through a lot and having twins, preterm. It’s a lot. I was talking to my teen recently about some of the things I thought when she was a baby – like you are now, what if I this and what if that she will turn out like this! And she was cracking up and asking what else!? And I felt so kind to my new parent self. So we are that for you now while you’re in the thick of it. Reflux and colicky baby time is rough. Don’t be hard on yourself you sound like you’re doing a great job x
Good for you for asking for help! I second the suggestion to get a trusted person to give you a break. When my goddaughter was colicky, her mom asked me (friend with no kids) to come over. I was not stressed by the sound of her baby crying and would hold her until she fell asleep eventually, giving my friend a break to lie down.
I have been there, twice – my elder daughter had horrific reflux and who knows what else, which made her nearly impossible to soothe. I could nurse her, put her down for a nap (with much struggle), and a half hour later she’d wake up screaming, vomit everywhere, and then be wired, overtired, and angry. My younger daughter was fine most of the day and then would angry scream most of the night; I don’t think I got more than five hours of sleep a night until she was 18 months old. I was a shell of a human, exhausted and hollow. Survival mantras when you are in the trenches: Check yourself before you wreck yourself! (h/t to Ice Cube, haha) It is not just okay, it is GOOD to put your screaming baby down safely in her crib and walk around the house, lock yourself in the bathroom, whatever you need. Walk to the kitchen and get a high cal/high protein/fiber/fat snack you like (I lived on Trader Joe’s mini bags of trail mix). Your baby will be fine; you need to be fine too. This is not personal! Your baby has needs that she’s not even sure of and only one way to communicate. Schedules are for parents! With a fussy baby, the schedule is for YOU. Don’t let other people push you to bring your kid in their car seat to the event during their nap time because ‘babies can nap anywhere.’ Your work establishing a consistent schedule will give you the predictability you need in the short term and will pay off 1000-fold in the long term. Vibes not moments! Basically no one has salient memories from before the age of four (and even that early is unusual). Your job is to establish a safe, nurturing, and loving relationship. Occasionally leaving your baby in their crib to scream for thirty minutes, or tagging out to a sitter even though you know your kid will be a mess, so that you can recharge your battery and be a present, calm parent is better than being available all the time as an overwhelmed, overstimulated, fragile parent who is about to blow up or fall apart at any moment. If you are losing it, put a pair of your baby’s leggings on her head – hear me out. It’s stupidly cute and makes a screaming baby look like an angry cartoon bunny, and that is sometimes much easier to deal with. Regarding the sibling attention differential – life ebbs and flows, and so do kids’ needs. There will be times your other kid needs you more. Moreover, you ARE taking care of less needy twin by caring for her sister; having a regulated, calm sibling is important! And the light at the end of the tunnel: Both my kids were MUCH happier as soon as they could crawl and sit up. Once they were mobile, things started looking up. They were both absolute handfuls as toddlers… and little kids… and now as older elementary schoolers… and they are both still sensitive and reactionary at times. My husband and I joke that we are parenting on hard mode. But they are smart, curious, empathic, hilarious, imaginative, and socially adept. They also are truly fantastic eaters (they enjoy salmon roe, kimchi, and a million other not-typical-kid-foods) with fully functional digestive systems, they wear normal clothes (we grew out of the sensory sensitivities), and since gentle sleep training with scheduled check-ins, they are amazing and consistent sleepers.
Newborns never mind two can be tough (and wonderful). Twins are more than twice one baby (having supported a few twin families) and one is a lot. My now 14 yr old (delightful, easy teen) was an unsettled screaming baby. Ignore all the baby books particularly about schedules(I thought they were fiction until I had my second), ask family and friends for help and draw them up a schedule to help if needed (bring a meal a certain night, come for an hour or two one evening a week), cry on your midwife/doctor (you get better help) and keep cuddling those babies because they stop being that snuggly quickly. You are doing an amazing job and this stage will pass.
I’m a pediatric PT and I often get to see premies. They have an immature digestive system, so was goes down often goes back up, unfortunately… If you give them a pacifier after feeding, the sucking might help the milk to move along the digestive tract, so less relfux. Hope this could help
We had trouble figuring out how to help our baby (who is now four months old and super happy and doing great) regulate. She wasn’t premature but definitely had trouble, especially in the evening. I took the Taking Cara Babies infant class and it changed everything. It’s not sleep training, it’s basically a comprehensive class that teaches you about soothing strategies, sleepy cues, and things like that. It’s dressed up Harvey Karpp in some ways, but 100% turned everything around for my little baby and our family. She still benefits from some of the strategies we learned at four months. I also echo the idea of hiring someone to come for a few hours even if it is just a couple of times a week. That helped me so much.
Oh boy. There’s a lot of good advice in the replies to your comment, so I don’t have much to add. I just wanted to express solidarity. My first was colicky, and it was traumatizing (for me and my husband—the kid is great now!) One very hard thing for me was knowing how much easier others were having it. This remains “a thing” for me actually. I still cry sometimes—and the offending baby is now 3–when I see other people doing ok with a newborn/infant. My advice is to become an ostrich for a while: try to avoid knowing about other peoples’ experiences unless they’re as rough as yours. Just stick your head in the sand for now and reexamine later in life. (What lifts my spirits now when I’m down about how things went is knowing what a wonderful toddler my baby became; it’s the only thing that makes me feel better and it’s not something I could’ve known in advance.) Also, hire whatever help you can, and keep in mind that it’s ok to walk away when baby is losing it. Put her down, close the door, lie on your closet floor and cry/scream/watch tik tok. I confessed to my baby’s doctor at one of those early visits that sometimes I had to do that—just put him down and walk away even though he was screaming. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “that’s the right thing to do.” I’m sorry you’re having this experience!
I never figured out how to help the colic, despite trying what felt like everything, but don’t worry that a super sensitive baby means that everything will be a struggle in the future. My son is very sensitive and the baby phase was hard, but he’s been easy ever since (now 12). He’s still sensitive but that just means he’s empathetic and emotionally mature. I think once he could communicate everything fell into place. Just carry on giving your baby what they need and it won’t last forever, you’ve got this X
My best parenting tip is one my 7 year old came up with on his own: a Family Reading Tracker. Instead of competing over who can read more, we set a collective goal (for us its 100 books in a year) and a group prize (my kids picked a trip to pottery painting) and we are all working towards it together. Every time one of us finishes a book, we get to draw our own little symbol on the chart. The beauty of this system is that is collaborative, not competitive, and it means my kids often push for “reading party” where we all sit with our OWN books (including me!! yay!) and read on our own.
Omg I love this so much. It is such a simple mindset shift, but it is genius. You’re knocking it out of the park! Thanks for sharing!
Can it still be called a prize when no one loses?
Brilliant! Borrowing this!
The comment about games at the dinner table made me feel seen as I currently read my 18 month old daughter books while my husband feeds her dinner. With all the talk of baby led weaning these days, I had felt guilty about it, but that comment made me think, hey if it works for our family and the kid is eating, maybe it’s ok.
Make it funny! The best way to diffuse a grumpy kid situation is to be silly. But when my toddler refused to put socks on her feet, we’d play around and put them on our head, ears, hands etc. After laughing about it, we’d eventually get those socks and shoes on. (I don’t always keep my patience but I try. My now teenage kids sometimes just roll their eyes at my jokes. It does make everything lighter though)
Connection and warmth are everything. I’ve heard this in different forms from my favorite teen parenting book author, Lisa Damour. My kids are teenagers and I see the dividends of spending low stakes time with them – watching tv together, chatting in the car, asking about their favorite music, etc. Dr Damour calls it putting ‘money’ in the bank. Then when there’s the inevitable tensions or disagreements, they usually blow over quickly. You have a lot of ‘capital’ to spend when you must enforce rules, be the ‘mean parent’ etc,. In other words, there is a good relationship to fall back on. Your kid knows you care.
Omg. I love to have a label/term for this. I have been doing this my son’s whole life. I have always thought that I wanted to build a strong relationship and really illustrate to him through my loving and supportive actions that I’m someone that he can count on when he’s young so he will turn to me when he’s older and needs advice or is in a pickle. He’s almost 13 now, so it’s paying off. I see him turning to me to tell me about a bad grade (but he worked hard! So I don’t give him a hard time, we talk about what he could focus on next time to get a better grade). He told me about something troubling that happened at school, even though he didn’t want me to do anything and that he had it covered. That money I put in the bank for 12 years is paying dividends right at the time I hoped it would, as he navigates bigger personal and social experiences.
I love these tips. My tiny little babies are now 9 & 11 and having photos is amazing, but hearing their little voices, when they were just beginning to talk, it’s so wonderful. I have this video of my 3 year old on a bike and no one else can understand what he was saying but he went over a little hill successfully and said, “Show Ellie!” He was so excited for his sister to see the video. I have a video of my daughter when we went on a family trip to WV. We stayed in a cabin with my FIL and MIL. They are both gone now. She’s tiny and everyone is suggesting words for her to say and it’s just so cute. She used to call Ghostbusters- Ghostmustards. Anytime I need a cry I just look at the pictures and videos. My children are wonderful and amazing, and I’m literally trying to soak up as much time with them as I can because I am so very aware of the time flying by. Make sure you get in the photos, too. One of my favorite pictures of me was taken by my son at age 4.
A kind suggested addendum to number four: take more videos of YOU with your kid. Reading a bedtime story, singing a song together, sharing drawings you’ve done side by side, making silly faces. Don’t make it instagramable. It’s the sort of thing grandparents will love—seeing their own children in action with their littles—and something your kids will cherish as you and they grow older. I recently recovered some home videos from family trips with my parents and it brought me so much joy.
Something I do for my fellow mum friends is to snap a photo or video of them when they’re particularly sweet with their little ones. I find most husbands just forget to take photos of mums with their kids or, if they do take a photo, take the MOST unflattering ones.
Yes! I need to do this more. A couple years ago I mentioned off hand to my boyfriend that I needed to be better about taking pictures of my daughter and I together and asked that he do it if he thought about it in the moment. He never mentioned it to me again, and then for my birthday that year he gave me on of those retro picture viewers with the little disk and it was full of pictures of her and me. He has since given me more disks with photos of us together. Tearing up just thinking about how loved that makes me feel.
The parenting advice, or philosophy really, that I have been relying on lately is to remember the idea of family jobs. The kids’ job is to learn how to be a human, which involves a lot of (sometimes really annoying) behaviors- testing boundaries, making mistakes, falling down (literally and figuratively). My job is to be their sturdy leader. Not to do their job for them, but to be present for support and love. Thanks, Dr. Becky! Advice I would give- let your kid be who they are. Sounds simple, but it can sometimes be so hard.
Respectful Request: Dedicated post to parenting neurodivergent kids.
I second this request. Jules, have you read Differently Wired by Deborah Reber? My favorite suggestion she makes is to Ignore All Parenting Advice for neurotypical children (like most everything above, except maybe the one about taking lots of videos).
OOOh yes. So many “parenting tips” are not at all appropriate for neurodivergent families like mine. We need to highlight other voices and also, centre content from neurodivergent parents of neurodivergent kids. For too long, the dominant narratives around parenting neurodivergent kids have been written by people who don’t actually have the lived experience.
Yes! More stories or interviews about parenting neurodivergent kids please!!!
Yes to this! I remember being surrounded by the Love and Logic/logical consequences parenting narrative when my kids were younger and thinking these people clearly never had a not-even-two-year-old who raged for close to three hours when you refused to acquiesce to their demand to leave them alone in their car seat in your car (parked across the street from your house, not in a garage or driveway!) and go into the house without them.
This. Oh how it would’ve helped me feel less isolated in the early and formative years…
If bedtime is a struggle offer to play a game, do art, or some other short quiet ish activity AFTER pjs are on and teeth brushed. Offer crunchy raw veggies as part of before dinner snacking Start bedtime early enough to lay in bed and hear the things they didn’t tell you about their day until now Offer connection and hugs when they try to push you away or are starting down the tantrum path
This last one! This week I started telling my kid I love you when she was ramping up for a tantrum. Like “I love you, I’m here” and it’s wild how much it diffused things. Didn’t stop it completely, but helped her wind down faster. And just a little while ago, I’d been trying to get her to clean her room for everrrrr and she stopped and said “mom I just need snuggles for a minute” so we snuggled and then I told her to get back to it (it didn’t work, she just laid down and is current snoring an hour before bed- so maybe she was just exhausted lol).
I really needed to read #10 today. I have two kids, 4 and 2, and both me and my husband work full time. Most days they eat dinner in front of the TV so we can get a freakin’ break in, but I always feel so terrible about it. When we do eat at the table together, it’s really nice but it takes SO MUCH time to get everything prepped and ready and then they’re done and wandering away in about 5 minutes, so it starts to feel like a lot of work for nothing. Thank you for this post!
I read advice here years ago, can’t remember the specific post, that basically gave me the permission I needed not to worry about family dinners if they are causing stress. I needed that so bad and honestly my 6 year old has been eating in front of the tv for like 4 years. we spend SO much time together and connect in a million different ways and right now dinner is not one of them!
You’re doing what you need to do for your sanity. They will not remember eating food in front of the tv at these ages. And you’re right, they will eat for 3 minutes and get up and run off to play. You’re doing great. Give yourself a little grace.
Just curious, does anyone do family meetings? We have a 4 and 8yo and have found it so helpful for both kids (but especially for my 8yo with ADHD). It’s the same each week: -Short “prayer”: I use the term prayer loosely bc we aren’t religious, but it’s nice to start by saying something brief about hope, gratitude, reflection, etc. (I’ve actually come to love/appreciate “praying” thanks to this.) -High, Low, Buffalo: each person says their high point of the week, low point, and something weird that happened that week (the Buffalo) -Preview of the Week: we go thru the calendar so our kids know what to expect that week. -Goals: we each set one goal for the week (if we feel like it). It takes about 10-15 mins, but if we ever forget to do the meeting our kids ALWAYS remind us.
I love this Alli, thank you for sharing! It is just my 11 year old daughter and I in our little family, but I’ve just made a note to start these with the two of us weekly. We are just entering summer chaos, but seems like a better time than ever to implement them.
I do! My therapist recommended it as a way to share the mental load with my husband, and to model the mental load to my little one. Ours is a little less formal but usually includes dinner/grocery/product requests, a preview of the week and anything to talk through (“Oh, it’s so-and-so’s birthday party this week, so we’ll need to get a gift…” and talking through who will handle that), things we’d like to do over the weekend/people we want to see.
I have started to do these with my husband (without kids) as a way to get ahead of him having a fixed vision of the weekend/week and then getting frustrated and so we can talk through goals/to do lists. I like the idea of doing it with the kids but it would be a lot harder to get through! It already usually takes us a lot more than 15 minutes. Going to think about starting this in the summer, when we’ll be starting new routines anyway. Thank you!
These comments are a balm for the soul! What helps me as a parent is to remind myself that, despite everyone else’s experience, countless books, the thunderdome that is the internet, formal education and careers built around child development/psychology/education etc., all I really have to rely on is my own judgment. This is a work in progress for me, not just in parenting but in so many aspects. I expect it’s the work, and the gift, of a lifetime.
A couple times a year I have been printing photos of the kids and our family from recent outings/vacations/schools/daily life. We use blue painters tape to stick them on the wall above their bed. Great decor and they love seeing pictures of themselves!
When I was a young mama, with my first-born about 18 mo, a new family moved in across the street. They had six kids and I learned a LOT from that mom. Two things that completely stuck with me: 1. Stop telling your kids what they can’t do and tell them what they can do. IE, youre headed to the store and you say things like dont touch, don’t talk, don’t wander off. Instead she would say you get to look at everything you want, you get to talk quietly so I am the only one who hears you and we get to hold hands the whole time. 2. She always said she was going to write a book and when you opened it up all the pages would be blank, and the name would be “Throw away the book and parent the child” – which is basically the 20 years-ago version of sign off the ‘here’s how to be a good parent’ instagram feeds, i guess.
Learned sort of the same thing from my cousin… phrases like “eyes only” or “one finger touch” were used on the regular…. and we did a lot of standing in line games such as simon says to keep us both occupied and paying attention… My last hack is special circumstances candy…. such as tsa and dmv lines…. just those special places when you need to pull out all the stops to maintain some level of santiy. good luck and know that you are not the first parent to cross this rubicon and you won’t be the last- leave the porch lites on for the next parent
Yes, Edith! I wholeheartedly agree. I call those accounts and that culture “aspirational parenting” and I bought into it hard when I was pregnant with my daughter. Not only did none of it work in our family, I realized it was just causing me constant stress and robbing me of my own unique personality. What a tragedy to have a mom so focused on being perfect that she isn’t even being herself in the family anymore! Jo and team, we’re a neurodivergent family and I find that most of the parenting advice stuff just doesn’t apply for us, it’s all normed off of neurotypical standards and that feels l o n e l y. I wonder if you’d be willing to do a piece on the autistic family experience? It’s certainly a timely topic and we’re all desperate to be included in the discourse. xo-L
lasara, I totally understand. thank you so much for your note. we are a neurodivergent family, as well, although I keep some of that on the quiet side for my kid’s privacy. here are some past posts about autism, but we’d LOVE to do more. thank you so much for the request and feedback. https://cupofjo.com/2022/08/01/parenting-in-india-mumbai/ https://cupofjo.com/2018/08/06/parenting-in-wales/ https://cupofjo.com/2020/12/01/what-autism-feels-like/ https://cupofjo.com/2022/04/21/autism-diagnosis-as-adult-woman/ thank you again xo
Lasara – thanks for your comment! We’re also a *newly discovered* neurodivergent family and I’m in the process of unlearning all of the neuronormative parenting advice since really none of that applies to my oldest. It can definitely be so lonely, and I’m always grateful when I discover another family in this same boat. I, too, would love to see a post about autism and/or 2e kids/families!
Erin, We’re 2E too! It’s a wild ride. Those extra smarts come with so much anxiety. Our diagnosing psychologist described it like this: “Obliviousness is a protective factor in childhood, so these kiddos are tracking things they don’t have the emotional framework to process.” Little lovebugs. Jo, thanks for hearing me <3
Lasara, Jo, Erin – I’m feeling very grateful for your comments! Our eldest is autistic but is never heard the term 2E and just looked it up and that applies as well! I’m currently in the stage of reading ALL the (well-reviewed) books on neurodiversity so would love to see more posts on this and/or get any book recommendations any of you can think of. (I have the books/memoirs by the last two authors of the posts Joanna linked already, since this is always my first stop for book recs!) Thank you all!
Check out the podcast Tilt Parenting with Debbie Reber. It’s all about parenting neurodivergent kids. It goes over so many different things. She also wrote a book called Differently Wired that’s really insightful.
My son has struggled with potty training for two years. We started when he was 2 and a bit because he seemed ready. He is otherwise, so smart and on par with his peers physically. He’s struggling and so are we. We have met with doctors (western and naturopathic), had x-rays, changed diets, and even seen a physical therapist who specializes in potty training. Now the doctor suggested we get a bladder analysis and now my mind is spiraling with what ifs. I want to be able to help him and want an answer, but also don’t want an answer that means something bad. Anyway, I know parents and children go through far worse. I’m just struggling and feeling like a bad parent today. Any potty training triumphs out there?
None of my three children were potty trained at age 2. My oldest and youngest were 3, my middle daughter (arguably the smartest of the bunch) was 4.5… yes, my almost 5 year old was still in diapers. We didn’t push it, we’d occasionally suggest using the toilet, but she rarely obliged. Then one day it clicked. Never had a single accident, never wet the bed. She just figured it out when she was ready. I think sometimes the more pressure we put on them the harder it is! When I would get worried that she’s “behind” I would remind myself that she won’t be going to college in diapers. She’ll get there at her own pace. And she did! She’s ten now, and that seems like such a distant blip. Good luck, mama. Give yourself (and your child!) some grace.
That’s so helpful. Thank you, Auste.
For boys you can float a Cheerio in the toilet and challenge them to target practice.
My kiddo did not get potty trained — for real — until the summer before kindergarten. I was baffled, because he seemed to understand the concept but did not seem to… care? Anyway, he loves to read, and we taught him how to read in the toilet, which made it click. He’s 9, been fully and confidently potty trained for a while, and loves to read in the toilet. It takes him a while but he gets it done.
Same with the “it just clicked” here. We had been talking for months in preparation for a vacation (with certain restrictions for using the pool, so there was a real incentive). He realized what was at stake, but also “didn’t seem to care”. He just didn’t want to use the potty or go on the toilet, after the first two weeks of interest because the concept was new. And then. One morning, after I had already given up and stopped reminding him of the pool thing for three months or so, he suddenly refused diapers. We did have a handful of accidents during the first two weeks, three times when he was really excited about something, and once when he was dead asleep during his nap. That’s not to say you shouldn’t get assurance re his health, but maybe everything really is okay and he is on his own timeline :) Best of luck!
Thanks to all of you for your responses. They helped. And Lisa, I found this especially helpful, “That’s not to say you shouldn’t get assurance re his health, but maybe everything really is okay and he is on his own timeline.” I really appreciate that.
Two of my kids potty trained at about 3 1/2. (I tried my first at 18months and she wasn’t ready so I didn’t push) My third came along and is his own person. He would pee in the potty at age 4.5, but wouldn’t give up his pullups for number 2 until about 6.75 years old. Our dr suggested therapy but I knew he just needed more time. Again, he’s his own person–so different from my first two. He finally did it in his own time when he was ready. You’re a great mom, it’s obvious.
It’s interesting to see the pushback about the “take more videos” advice. I think this is a “two things are true” situation that can be addressed with some intentionality. First, it’s true that when we take a video or a photograph of something, we actually remember it less (or not at all!). Our brains think something like, “Oh, cool, that’s recorded so I don’t have to record it in here.” I keep that in mind when I’m tempted to photograph or video an important moment (like a recital, holiday, or graduation). And of course it’s important to just put the phone down and soak up the everyday, as well. However: There is something special about videos that capture the essence of a person like photos cannot. Many years ago at my grandmother’s 80th birthday party we watched a video made up of photos and video clips of her life, and I was so struck by the videos of her and my grandpa. It was so cool to see how those short, few-second clips portrayed their personalities and what they uniquely brought to the world (think: the “what was I made for” video montage in the Barbie movie). It made me determined to take more videos in my life. So here’s where the “two truths” come together: Instead of taking videos of those big moments, or taking videos all the time, I take teeny tiny videos (1-2 seconds) of everyday moments: the walk to school, swimming in the summer, cartwheels in the park, playing with the dogs. And some special moments, like unwrapping Christmas presents or blowing out birthday candles, whatever. Then, I use the 1SE (1 Second Everyday) app to put these videos together at end of the year (my daughter’s birthday is very early January). I definitely don’t get 1 second everyday, more like 2–4 seconds a week, but it comes together into a really special 2–3 minute video that encapsulates that year in my daughter’s life–what she was interested in, how she dressed, how she moved, who she played with, etc. And she LOVES watching them! (But I’m also careful not to take videos and then immediately show them to her–I think there’s something unhelpful about watching almost instant video feedback of yourself!)
Second this rec for the 1-2 second videos in combo with 1SE! It’s amazing to me how much more transportive even a very very brief snippet of video is than a photo. And even if the video is of a not necessarily key moment, it seems to unlock the memory of the whole event/day/experience. Not a parent, but I’ve seen friends’ 1SE of their kids and I think it is such a lovely and relatively low lift way to record and compile in a way that you might be more likely to look back on.
I love this idea. Also if you have an iPhone and keep ‘Live Photos’ on you can convert a series of photos into a short video. This is how I accidentally captured a tiny video of my daughter’s first steps
My go to – especially since I had twins…don’t try to make a happy baby happier.
THIS x 100000
We have a six month old and this is the best advice I’ve gotten! So helpful
I really needed to read #4 today – my 4.5 year old has been waking up around 5-5:30 lately. Today, at 5:15am she was yelling for me (and being jolted awake by a screaming kid really doesn’t help my cortisol levels) and I went in so frustrated and exasperated and that’s not how I want to set the tone for her day. Thank you, thank you….I hope i remember this tip for years to come.
Cosigned. 4:15 AM wakeup to my toddler singing “SNOW SNOW SNOW! ISSSS CHRI-MAS TIME!” was, uh, A Way to start the day. Hilarious and adorable in hindsight?
My daughter woke up at 430 for two years I decided I needed to embrace it or I’d always be mad, do I took up outdoor running and would jog her outside for an hour. Then we’d do bubbles and playing in the dark, look for animals, and then make breakfast together. It became a really special time for us, but I went to bed at like 830!
Hi COJ! I have a content request: What can I do to support my friends with kids, particularly multiple young children? I so appreciated your post suggesting ideas to support brand new parents (delivering groceries a few days after the baby comes home has been my go to, and all my friends so appreciated the noninvasive, practical help). Now that all those kids are wiggling toddlers, I’m curious if there are new ways I can be a good friend and support them. Case in point: This past weekend, my friend’s two and four year olds were having a bad day during a game night with a group of us. Every toy was fought over, every tantrum was thrown. My friend and her husband were clearly exhausted, and there was some noticeable tension between them. I sent my friend a text a few days later telling her how much I admired how patiently and fiercely she loved her children, even though she was tired, and told her specifically she was a good mom. She appreciated it, but I wondered if there was something I could have done in the moment to ease the tension or practically support them.
This is such a great question, Mikayla, and sounds like you already gave your friend the gift of seeing her–which is so valuable in the toddler parenting days. For me, when something like that is going on, the hard part is the expectation that things keep going (we keep playing the game, having the conversation, etc). That’s totally fine 90% of the time, but when it’s really, really hard–when the kids are having a really hard time–it means so much when we can stop doing whatever the adults are doing and give space for the kids’ needs to breathe. In this case, would it have been possible for each grown up to take a kiddo and play with them for 20 minutes, then regroup? (A chunk of focused, individualized attention can often help recenter kiddos and diffuse conflict.) What can make these situations more challenging with friends than at home is the need to “be a good friend,” “be a good parent,” and “be a good spouse” all at once. Giving me a second to just focus on one of those things is a huge support. Thanks for caring for your friends and their little ones!
You are such a lovely friend, Mikayla. I think the answer depends on the family, but I bet that just hanging with them through an exhausting scene without judging or acting annoyed was a gift — and that text probably meant more than you know. Maybe you could ask your friend (in a calmer moment) what might be useful next time? Also. I highly recommend the wonderful writer Lisa Sibbett, who has a Substack newsletter called “The Auntie Bulletin,” all about how honorary “Aunties” (of all genders) can show up for families with kids — but it’s much more than that, too. She writes beautifully about kinship connections and building the type of communities and world we want to live in. I just love her practical, warm advice.
Love your heart!! Babysitting offers, meals, reminders that we are crushing it as parents are all super appreciated!!
As someone who’s been the desperate parent hanging on by a thread, AND as now the not so desperate parent sometimes in these situations, what has helped me and what I do now these days is SWOOP IN. Take a kid and play with them. Take them out of the room and out of the chaos. Convince them to “help” you with something. Find something to entertain both kids, if you dare and/or are able. What those parents need is fresh energy and a break and that’s where I pour my energy in those situations. Also, you’re a saint for even asking this. YOU are the type of friend all young parents are hoping to find.
Are you willing to go along on kid-centric outings? Playground, zoo, kids’ museum, etc? If you want low key hang out time with friends who are parenting toddlers and preschoolers, an activity centered around what the kids enjoy will be more restful for the adults because the kids will be happily occupied. There’s a children’s museum near me that has a gravel pit full of toy digging equipment, and when my older son was 3ish, chatting with a friend while he excavated was sooooo nice!
Cortney you really hit the nail on the head with your reply “What can make these situations more challenging with friends than at home is the need to “be a good friend,” “be a good parent,” and “be a good spouse” all at once.” – I don’t have “easy” kids, and going to friend gatherings can feel so stressful because I’m being pulled in every direction, I’m hoping no one is judging my kids’ behavior, I’m trying to support my kids but also really would like to catch up with friends, etc.
When my kids were younger, I very much appreciated it when friends who did not have children were willing to join on kid-friendly outings. To make it easier, my husband and I would frequently split kids for little outings on weekends, and he would do home projects with one kid, and I would go to the zoo or whatever with the other kid. It was super-helpful and fun and helped to stay connected to have a friend without child. I am lucky, my child-free friends were always happy to do that and do “auntie” and “uncle” duty, which mad these outings so much more fun than just me and my child.
Offer to babysit their kids, if your friend likes to cook (as I do) offer to just come over and watch the kids as she cooks (I cannot cook with my toddler around), or if your friend doesn’t just offer to cook dinner or bring dinner. Don’t do it all the time and ask your friends permission, but once every 4-5 visits or so bring over the most random small toy – a stick with ribbons, a bouncy ball, little Schleich animal, bubbles, stickers, whatever from the dollar store (NYtimes has great kids gifts lists including cheap stuff). Something cheap and fun. The kids might not care and if so, leave it and move on – but it might entertain them for 15 minutes and just give your friend a break.
I send my SIL a groceries delivery of Mac n cheese, Dino nuggets and also premade salad and cut fruit. She gets permission to feed her kids whatever (a guilt point for her) and she gets to eat green things (her favourite) without hearing too much whinging.
My favorite piece of parenting advice is one from Ann Landers. She said “If you want to raise great kids, spend twice the time and half the money.” We live in a community where a lot of parents spend half the time and twice the money and it shows. Kids do not need a lot in terms of material goods, but they do need your time.
Gosh, these are so so good!! As a preschool teacher, mom, Nana: 1. Llama, Llama good enough mama. You. You are a good enough mama. Kid’s don’t need perfect. 2. A grumpy Dino. When someone is having a rough time, gently slide that big plastic roaring t rex across the table to them. “Looks like grumpy Dino could use a friend”. It’s an acknowledgement that you see the struggle AND you don’t have to fix every struggle AND you are during enough to cope with their struggle. Which leads me to – 3. Parent as super hero. Yes, you. You are strong enough to withstand the tantrum without yelling back. You are brave enough to help them confront the bully at school. You are resilient enough to withstand the anger when you have to say no. You are loving enough to stand up for them with the pushy relative. You are fearless enough to fight for their existence is they happen to be different and wonderful. Your kids need to see you as a super hero so that they can trust they are safe in this scary world. Step up. You’ve got this. No one said it would be rainbows and butterflies. (And your kids need to see that you are whole and healthy enough to say “enough” sometimes and cry or take a nap or take a break too. Super heroes are also humans. )
Sasha–will you be my mom/nana/preschool teacher?! This is amazing advice <3
Yes Jordan, come on over. I’ll fix a snack and get your nap mat ready. ❤️
Love and agree with the ‘unfollow good and well-meaning parenting advice insta accounts”. There is such a thing as being over resourced and too much information. I’ve recently disconnected from my beloved parenting accounts, podcasts, etc. Going with my gut and instincts feels right and I’m not second guessing myself anymore which feels even better!
I got off Instagram entirely as a parent to a 12 month old. I’m so much happier and feel better in every way (and suck it Mark Z!)
In a future post like this one (which is awesome!), I would love any tips on how to manage all the kid stuff! My 7 yo has so much paper, art supplies, toys, stuffies. I think it’s overwhelming for both of us but not sure how to edit. Related to this, I’d love to see how parents arrange their kids’ rooms in a way that will grow with them over the years (layout, furniture, storage, decor!, any other advice).
My tip to managing all the stuff: Give 80-90% of it away. They do not need all the stuff! Mine are 6 and 8. We have four cube bins of toys and another cube bin of animal figurines of all kinds. They mostly plan with “Creation Station” which is cleaned recycling and trash that can be repurposed in to art and outside with the neighbors. All of their birthday parties have been ‘no gifts please’. We do not do goodie bags. No more plastic crap please to fill the landfills!
Put 80% of it away. Wait three months. Has your kid asked for any of the stuff that was put away? If not, donate, pass on, post on a Buy Nothing group. It won’t be missed!
I can recommend “simplicity parenting” from “Kim John Payne”, such a great book exactly about this topic. We are not in a minimalist stage of our life with a kid, but it gives advice on this direction and is so inspiring❤️
I really like this blog post on the topic: https://www.600sqft.com/blog/turn-your-kids-art-into-an-art-magazine-kid-art-book-2024 tldr; take pictures of their art and create a photo book of it! that way it is easier to store and a more curated keepsake.
We have a very small house, and having a designated bin or basket for specific types of toys (duplo, trains, playmobil, art supplies, animal figurines, vehicles, balls, etc) has worked very well for us. The size of the basket or bin determines how much of that thing we can have, so if / when it gets full, we have to donate something in order to add something new. And it’s very easy to scale up or down depending on how much space you have, and adjust as your kids get older! Our favourites are a bunch of (now sadly discontinued) stiff felt lidded bins from Ikea, a gifted Pehr pom pom basket, and then two from H&M Home, which have been real heroes – the cotton rope storage baskets with handles (come in three sizes, used for blankets, toys, stuffies, board books, etc) and the machine washable quilted ones (comes in a two-pack with two sizes, used for smaller bits like trains, playmobil people, animal figurines, burp cloths, bibs, cozy place for favourite stuffy to hang out when it’s time for meals, etc). We waited for them to go on sale and then bought a lot! I do feel the need to caveat that we have lots of colour in our rugs, walls, and other decor, lest this give the impression that we have sad beige baskets for sad beige children 😂 Handles (comes in three sizes): https://www2.hm.com/en_ca/productpage.0974198002.html Quilted (machine washable): https://www2.hm.com/en_ca/productpage.1040919002.html Pom Pom (gifted by a friend): https://ca.pehr.com/products/pom-pom-pint-1
Buy a vacuum that counts particles (e.g. Dyson). My son loves to see if he can get a high score. He certainly earns a high score from me when he vacuums the house.
Whaaat!? This is genius!
Amazing! You gamified vacuuming!
I’m just recently past the baby nap stage, but I’d have to say that #7 seems very dependent on the particular baby. There was/is no sleep hack or trick for my daughter. Sleep is tough! Trying the nap cap did not result in magical sleep, it resulted in baby rage. If anything, it set us back farther from sleep. Be wary of anything that is a baby hack! Babies be babies
I had the same exact thought when I read that one!
Parents of sleep resistant babies unite! The way I rolled my eyes at that one. Hang in there, @Joss. Those sleepless days are tough going.
What wise and clever tips! Although I’m childless, I can see ways they can be applied to big people, too. To paraphrase my two favorite home renovators at The Grit and Polish https://www.thegritandpolish.com/ “Approach each new venture (like parenting) hopefully, with optimism and flexibility.”
Don’t push your child to do things sooner than they’re ready. Most of the time, there will be no harm done by waiting and the thing they were reluctant to do will be easier and more natural when they decide it’s time. My daughter didn’t get her driver’s license at 16 but was a calmer, better, more confident driver when she decided to at 17.
100% to this for potty training, too! I promise it will be easier and go more quickly if you wait until they are really ready and not just because you feel like they have to be potty trained before 3.
One thing that works well for my four year-old and two year-old is the “20 second countdown”, where I count out loud from 20 down to zero. We usually do this when we’re ready to transition from play to bed and I’m trying to coral them up the stairs. 20 seconds is just enough time for them to finish up whatever they’re doing without feeling rushed, and by the time I get to five, they’re usually headed toward the stairs without a second reminder.
Recently I took a mid-day shower, put on sweats, and climbed on my bed to read. My 11 year old daughter walked into my room wearing her sweats, and climbed on the bed next to me with her book. She exclaimed, “Dad is taking the boys (her 2 brothers) to the grocery store and told me to read next to you.” It was peak parenting heaven -reading our respective books while wearing our sweats in the middle of the day. Bless my husband for encouraging that perfect moment I didn’t know I needed so badly.
Amen to unfollowing the parenting social media accounts. It took me a long time to realize how much anxiety they were causing me by constantly presenting me with parenting things I “need” to do (or will need to). It was so much to keep track of and made me feel like a failure constantly. Now when I have a parenting problem, I seek out advice for whatever I’m dealing with right then (first from friends, then from experts/the internet). The advice is out there when you need it.
Go to the zoo in the winter. A bundled up walk when it’s chilly is wonderful. If they have schmutz on their face, tell them to lick your thumb so you can wipe it off. Nobody wants somebody else’s spit on them. Make tiny traditions. The backpack note every school day. A specific banner you hang for birthdays. Even just naming something ordinary (night walk! girls day! super bath!) makes it feel special and memorable.
Not a parent, but a former preschool teacher. I love all of these tips, especially greeting your child with joy. It really makes a difference. As for picky eaters, I was THE pickiest eater ever. Thankfully I had parents who never made a big deal about it and never forced me to eat anything. Today I am one of THE most adventerous eaters I know. Somewhere along the way, I guess I tried different foods at my own pace and developed a pretty amazing food palette. You never know.
So surprised by the video thought. Enormous good for them not for me…. I wasn’t around screens at all growing up. I think it really shaped my expectations around boredom creativity and silence. We sang a lot, played outside, read books, and just looked around. I’m totally ok not having videos, my mom is too. The anxiety around memory and remembering and having things still feels strange to me…it can feel ok to have what we have, in our mental memory and physical memory that’s what we get, no? As a writer, I want my attention to presence and detail to be sharp because that’s where I write from. Phones always interrupt that. Just my take.
I couldn’t agree more. Let’s aim to be more present. Not trying to capture every moment behind a screen. My kids are 12 and 14 and I have never regretted not having more videos.
I agree with this, but I am also wildly thankful we have grainy 80s footage of my grandparents. It’s such a comfort to hear their voices again now and then.
PRINT the photos. Or find a way to display. My first was born when my sweet grandma was still very with it, and I’d print and mail photos to her about once a month, ordering doubles so I’d have some. That was his first 3 years. Sadly, she passed right as my second was born and without that impetus, I stopped. I’m trying to be better. More specific suggestions: – digital photo frame. Ours is in the kitchen, cycling through about 700 photos. When our 7&10 yo are bickering, it’s heartwarming to see a photo of them snuggling as babies. Also got these for the in-laws. – photo albums aren’t happening for us, but my version is an annual family photo calendar. CVS, with about 10-15 choice photos per month. We’re on our 5th year and it’s lovely to go back and flip through older ones. They also have an easy collage option – we’ve done 4 x 6 collage magnets.
I love hearing all these bits of advice, from the post and here in the comments. It’s a balm on days when parenting is hard. I have a question for anyone who wants to chime in: how do you work together with your partner to stay calm when the kids are, shall we say, activating? My kids are in a really sweet AND needy phase – 4 and 8. The 4-year old is constantly whining and clinging, the 8-year old needs a lot of emotional closeness and deep conversations. They just require everything we’ve got right now. I have lots of lovely influences – like this blog! – but my husband doesn’t really have the same inputs. He seems angry and triggered by them and their needs alllll the time, he feels like therapy is one more thing on the to-do list, ditto exercise, etc. He’s a lovely person and a great dad, but I am afraid he’s going to miss their childhoods because he’s angry a lot. Curious if anyone else has gone through this. Would love your perspectives, advice and wisdom xx.
The conversation in my house has been about modeling what we want for our kids. My kids are teens/preteens, and their attitudes and emotions are all over the place most days, which my husband finds…challenging. We talk about the fact that we can choose how we respond even if we can’t choose how our kids are acting in the moment. Modeling a calm and kind response is the best way for us to help them learn to do that. I think that discussing the response as a choice AND an example has made a difference in my house.
I’ve heard the concept of helping partners become aware of their (or our own) “frustration balloon”. Essentially, becoming aware of when you start to feel overwhelmed and noting that “the balloon” is slowly filling up with the inputs from the kids and life. The trick is to step out and away for a moment before the “balloon” pops. A friend of mine (a newer dad) will announce “my frustration balloon is pretty full” and he’ll step away to take a moment to recompose. It’s really helped him articulate to his wife when he needs a moment and, also, to himself when he needs a moment and has been a game changer for their life with a toddler, a high strung dog and a baby on the way! You’re both doing great and I’m cheering for you over here!
Oh Hilary, I feel this deeply. My kids are 7 and 9, and I love this stage. They have a lot going on though: activities, school projects, friends, and my son has an IEP and needs some extra support that requires our attention. My husband is an angry guy, too. He has trouble with self-control and goes 0-60–everything is a big deal to him when it doesn’t have to be. He seems to only have one way of talking to and dealing with the kids, and one strategy (lecturing), and it doesn’t resonate with them. I’ve read books, listened to podcasts, and feel very securely connected to my kids, but he’s just not. In so many ways he’s a great and smart guy, but he can’t seem to figure out how to talk to kids, and his default is anger. It’s been the biggest challenge in our marriage, and because of that we’re in therapy. We have a wonderful therapist who seems to coach him in the right direction, but 8/10 he slips into the same patterns. It makes me nervous for our future.
It’s such a strange expectation that two adults meet all the child’s needs—it’s impossible. Are there other adults around who can hang with one or both kids for 1-2 hours a week? I find just a short window without someone making demands can help recharge.
Hilary, this so nicely summarizes what I feel is the biggest challenge in my life. I have empathy for the fact that my husband was socialized differently than me *and* now doesn’t have the same influences and information tailored toward him as I do, but I also feel frustrated because parenting books do exist and are in abundance on our shelves but he is choosing not to seek out more information. It was a paradigm shift for me when I learned that I need to regulate myself first and I wish he could find the tools to do the same. Everything is harder when I have unregulated kids and an unregulated husband. It’s a lot to shoulder always having to be the one who keeps my cool, and I wish he could be a better role model for the kids in that respect. Sigh. Would also love some wisdom on this!
My husband definitely spent a lot of time grumpy and short tempered when my kids were little. It was sad. I could not convince him that our oldest (maybe 2 at the time) was literally the chillest toddler on the block. Toddlers are just a lot! I finally sent him to a local birthday party by himself and he came back a changed man. Ohhhhhhhhhh. This is all developmentally appropriate. Frustrating, but normal. Not saying it was all sunshine and roses thereafter, but that perspective was helpful for him. I’m sorry!
Having a partner that is angry a lot and triggered by their children’s needs sounds incredibly difficult (for you and your kids). While he is not open to therapy, finding your own therapist might be a good next step.
My husband just has a lower tolerance for kids’ behavior and general nonsense, and I’ve had to accept that I have an especially high tolerance (special ed teacher here), so he will naturally need more breaks than I do, and that there isn’t anything wrong with him just because he gets more frustrated. I also second making him aware of what is within the range of normal kid behavior since often dads just aren’t around as many kids as moms are, depending on your roles. My husband also struggled with some bigger outbursts in the past, including things like kicking a doorframe so hard it broke just because our son was dilly dallying and they were late to school/work. For that, the thing that helped most in our house was being straight with my husband and saying, “you are modeling how our child will manage his own frustration as a teenager and adult. Do you want him to manage his behavior in high school by kicking things?” I don’t think he had thought about it in that way, and he significantly shaped up since then.
Yikes. This whole thread is really unsettling to me. The children we are raising are learning from the men we’re partnered with. The boys we’re raising are learning what kinds of partners to be, and the girls we’re raising are learning what kinds of partners to expect. Is this the best we can do?? Angry men who take their rage out on their own children??
Thank you all for your lovely ideas and, frankly, the acknowledgement that I’m not alone in being married to someone who struggles with anger. Cate, I think you were spot-on when you said you and your husband were socialized differently. We can’t overlook society’s part in how boys become the men they are, what emotions are acceptable to them, the ways they were encouraged (or not) to plug in emotionally to their families and the support that exists for them as they try to learn different ways of being. And @Jo, I’m sorry you’re unsettled, but maybe we need to find other ways to help boys and men instead of judging, “Is this the best we can do??” Frankly, I think a lot of societal gaps and pressures have really let boys and men down. This isn’t some sort of manosphere apologist post by any means, but toxic masculinity is bad for everyone and yet, so often, boys and men don’t know other ways to be than the toxicity they were handed down from previous generations. They haven’t seen emotional vulnerability modeled or been given the tools for emotions other than anger the way women have. I have a lot of empathy for that. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have my emotional literacy reduced down to happy or angry. I think it’s really awful for partners, but pretty hellish for the men who experience it. My husband is so aware of his anger and he is upset with himself, too. There was a really eye-opening read about all this in the NYT a few weeks back if anyone wants to read. I’ll include a gift link! https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/13/upshot/boys-falling-behind-data.html?unlocked_article_code=1.MU8.GSYM.NSTdG8CU1lp_&smid=url-share
I’ve also got a husband that expresses his anger quickly. I think I read on Cup of Jo about “I need the dark chamber” – a phrase to use when either parent needs a break. We will escape to our bedroom, no phones, and lie down for however long we need to regulate ourselves. It happened last night, the kids were intense and I could see my husband wasn’t coping, so I told him to go to the dark chamber for as long as he needed. I am SO glad I did that, he accepted and I put on an audiobook for my kids, they settled and everyone went back to calm. Phew.
I’ve been learning that there are different, unequal categories of screen time. Screen time to stop a negative feeling is at the bottom level. Screen time of shapes and colors to put your child in a daze is the next bottom level. Up at the top is a narrative that you and your kid enjoy together. Near the top is base survival screen time: when the toddler wakes up at 4 am, cartoons are there and I think genuinely a gift to parents. Don’t beat yourself up.
I love this way of thinking about it! Thank you for sharing.
This is excellent! I wholeheartedly agree. I remember when my child went through a phase at about 16 months old of waking up right at 5am each morning. I mean, WIDE awake. I am forever grateful to The Wiggles. I’d start an episode and lay down on the couch next to him so I get get at least one more hour of sleep. It was a lifesaver.
The best parenting advice I got was, “don’t be afraid to change your mind if something isn’t working”. That phrase “change your mind” was so empowering. Instead of viewing it as a “failure” it just was a change of view. Very liberating. It wasn’t me that wasn’t right, it was the idea/practice/belief and I could change it.
On the “take more videos” advice: I am not a parent who is good about taking a lot of photos or videos. BUT, when my kids were small I started doing a video interview with them on, or near, their birthday. The questions are simple and often are repeated year after year, like “What is your favorite meal?” or “What do you like to do after school/on the weekends?” or “What do you want to do when you’re older that you can’t do now?” Some years the video is short, some years it’s long, some years their sibling is wandering through making obnoxious comments, but I love going back and looking at that snapshot of them in time. To hear their voices, see their changing style of hair, clothing, mannerisms… it’s just so nostalgic and bittersweet and wonderful.
I’ve been meaning to start this with my kids even though I missed many years – this is my reminder that it’s not too late!
Mom to one 24 year old and one 20 year old. My advice when they were young is to keep a schedule and routine as much as possible. That was the best thing we ever did. Young kids need structure and you can tell when kids have been raised in chaos.
Agree! Routines and rituals are so stabilizing for children.
These comments are so heartfelt, they’re a real mood-lifter!
I don’t have kids, so this isn’t advice, but as a middle school librarian I re-read this piece every year. It’s a quick and heart-warming love letter to the kids who don’t take home all of the medals and ribbons and awards at the end of the year. As a librarian, this paragraph is obviously my favorite: “To the student who sits in the back of the room with the chemistry textbook propped open and a library book tucked inside: You’ll have to learn chemistry, there’s no getting around it, but we revel in your love for the written word. In times of trial and worry, of disappointment and despair, a book will be your shield. Immersing yourself in a grand story will be a respite from your troubles, and a lifetime spent lingering over language will give you the right words when you need them yourself. No one writes a better love letter than a lifelong reader.” https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/31/opinion/average-child.html
Oh my … what a fabulous, fabulous quote! Thank you so much for sharing. I will treasure it.
YES, yes, yes to #1 at all stages of childhood! I’m a professor if Early Childhood Education and Im always telling parents and future teachers to let children do things!! Pour their water, zip or button their coats, peel a clementine, wipe down the counter, set the table, help cook etc you can support them, ie start the clementine peel or start the zipper, of course but let them take part! It build independence, fine motor skills, executive functioning, and pride in their pwn work. Also tip when they are done rather than saying good job just voice what they did – you zipped your coat all on your own! As a mom of two teens one of the silver linings of COVID was that my teens learned to cook. I was busier than ever trying tp figure out how to put college online so I demonstrated a few things and then told my boys they were responsible for breakfast and lunch – my older son focused on grilled cheese and pasta, but my younger ran with it looking at cookbooks and youtube making pretzels from scratch and fresh pasta. On got a hobby and one has dome general life skills. Im surprised at how many teens have never even make mac n cheese from a box. They will eventually be on their own, have them cook! They may get a hobby or you might just know they can make a grilled cheese when they are in their own either way its a win!
My newly minted 8 year old was having the worst mornings every morning. He burst in to tears and said I AM ALWAYS BEING TOLD WHAT TO DO!!! We asked him if he wanted to make his own breakfast. He lit up. We helped him set an alarm for 7am and told him he could be in charge he just needed to be dressed and have eaten by 7:45. What a difference. He dressed himself, bounded downstairs and made himself a breakfast of hard boiled eggs (cold from the fridge), toast and fruit and was ready to go right on time. Autonomy for the win!!!
Edith’s tip, so good.
put…your own phone…down (as much as possible) in the other room as much as possible. work in progress for me. but its better when i do.
Agreed, which is why I disagree with the “you can’t have too many videos” advice. My kid dislikes having a phone shoved in his face, and I would personally hate being on camera all the time, so I try to be really mindful of taking photos and videos. Maybe this is less applicable to babies, but I would caution against trying to get endless videos of your toddler and up, and just focus on being with them. The payoff will be worth it so much more than the videos.
Yup, second this. My husband and I put our phones in a drawer from the moment we get home to force us to not look at them until after the kids go to sleep. I’m so glad we did this! it’s so easy to absentmindedly pick up for phone inbetween everything
I taught at the University level and I cannot stress #5–let them fail–enough. By the time they get to college some of them are utterly incapable of dealing with setbacks, failures, etc. Sometimes college is the first time they’ve been allowed/asked to do that and it’s really difficult to deal with at that age. Kids need to be allowed to learn how to process setbacks and failure; it’s a critical part of growing up.
One piece of advice from my own mum and grandparents I’ll absolutely be using is “Make no threats of consequences you are not willing to carry out”. Literally do not threaten to cancel their birthday party/ turn the car around and drive home/ remove their favourite toy etc unless you actually will do it. Threatening things emptily mean that the children just don’t know where they actually stand or where the line truly is, and then they’re left confused. Sounds like a negative one, but it’s always struck me as brilliant advice!
A million times this! I hated this as a kid, and I’m trying so hard not to do it myself. I want my kid to know I’m trustworthy.
Years ago I knew a couple through my church that were the most consistent parents you could ever see. They followed through on every consequence good or bad, and their kids were so well behaved!! I’m trying to be consistent with my little one, some days, it’s tough.
To me, it’s not punishing the behaviour you want to encourage. If every time your child finally does something you’ve been asking for, you greet them with ‘Finally!’ or ‘Was that so hard?’, they’ll lose the motivation to keep doing it. The same goes for grumpy teens who finally join the family, or adult children who ‘never get in touch’.
Holy cow this is great advice for all kinds of relationships
On the picky eaters topic, we also play games at dinner. But instead of having board games we play “The Animal Game”. Someone thinks of an animal and you have to ask questions until you guess it. Does it live on land? Is it large? Is it ferocious? My 9 year old son usually wins with something like a blind hairless mole rat. Side note, I don’t recommend googling this! Our family loves it so much the kids ask to play as soon as we sit down! Try it sometime.
So cute! Also I always remember Jenny’s trick of deconstructed dinner I chicken with veg and white wine sauce over rice for the kids would be chicken rice, choice of cooked or raw veg and sauce if they want Or chicken salad is all together for me and the pieces for them chicken and they choose a fruit & veg (I love fruit in my salad) It was a life saver when my kids were picky and I didn’t want to make multiple meals And eventually they started trying more but I was also fine when they didn’t
Yes! We call this “What am I?”and have been playing for years. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins – really anyone who has ever joined us for dinner – have all played. Bonus is that it works for all ages.
I disagree about taking more videos. My five year old recently had a school play and instead of seeing their parents smiling faces all the children could see was phone after phone. It’s the same in the park or out anywhere. Everyone is taking endless photos and videos of their children. I don’t know about you but it would make me feel very anxious to have so much of life endlessly recorded. Just smile at them and put the phone down!
You’re not alone!
i agree michaela. im actively trying to take less (and my co-parent is deployed so i do want to send a lot of photos, but i DONT want it to get in the way of the moment). i have started keeping the phone in another room, turning it OFF at a certain point in the day, etc.
Thank you for this! I was just feeling terrible regret that my youngest and last DID start walking this week and I don’t have enough videos of her crawling now!!!!! Parenting is wild.
As an alternative to video, I put on the voice recorder on my phone and lay my phone nearby the dinner table or in the car while I’m driving to capture the daily chit chat and comments. I captured my daughter Jude singing “Hey Jude” at 20 months. Gold!
I agree with this! Plus seeing the way some of my friend’s kids totally cheese it up or work their angles for the camera just makes me sad. Most of my childhood pics are super unflattering and it always looks like I froze for just a second because I was too busy having fun to stop for the camera. I used to hate not having “better” photos of my childhood but now I look back and am so grateful that I was encouraged to stay present and not focus on perfect pictures.
Big agree. We are at the beach for a week with friends and I have been out in the waves with our friend’s kids helping them catch waves in their boogie boards while their dad stands 20ft away videoing them on his phone…like, when are you going to watch all this footage?! Just come out and BE with your kids as part of the fun!
I think you can do both. Make a conscious effort to make sure you have videos if you want to hear your child’s voice or see how the moved when they were young, but also make a conscious effort to be more present with them and enjoy things in the moment on things. I don’t necessarily need a video of my son walking across the stage to accept an award he received, and I think that is a great time to be in the moment, cheering loud and proud for their accomplishment. But i think I would love to have a short video I took after the moment asking him how he felt when he got it, see how he looked at that moment in time, hearing how his voice sounded, seeing what his fashion sense was then, etc. I have often wished I had more of those types of videos of all of my kids. So I think the notion of being more present, and taking more videos can be harmonious. Just my two cents!
Lindsay, I totally agree that you can do both! For me, it’s not about recording their entire childhood, just little bits here and there, and my husband and I aren’t on social media, so it’s not performative either – we just know the time will go so fast (is already going so fast!) and we love watching these little snapshots of our sweet kids as they grow up! My sister and I were also obsessed with family videos as kids, which is definitely part of it for me. It was so fun to see ourselves as kids, especially from when we were too little to remember it firsthand. We even have some family videos from when my mom was growing up in the 60s and 70s and they are amazing. I love photo albums and look at them a lot, but there’s nothing like seeing people in motion, and I’m especially grateful for the bits of footage we have of family members who have since passed away. I love being able to see a little slice of them living their life! I do have a few gentle suggestions though. The first is to keep the videos short, to avoid the situation Michaela described. The second is that once you take a quick peek to confirm the shot is lined up, look at your kids instead of the screen while you’re taking a video! The difference between someone staring into their phone, and someone looking at you is significant. The last is to take a quick video and THEN PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY. It signals to yourself and your kids that you’re capturing a brief moment, and then going back to being fully present with them.
Gosh I love these. A while ago a post said ‘take your kids worries and thoughts seriously now, if you want them to come to you with big worries and thoughts in the future’ and it was a lightbulb moment. It’s so not about whether they played paw patrol or ice age at lunchtime. It’s him asking ‘do you see me? Do you hear me?’ So even if the kitchen is chaos and everyone is melting down, I try so hard to see and hear him. Another one I love to say is ‘there is no after the X, there is just X’ it’s from Buddhism for busy people. There is no after the bath time, there is just the bath time. A simple but helpful reminder to come back to what is going on now.
Oh man, I feel and love this so hard. I have such a hard time slowing down until everything is “done” and have to actively remind myself that when my 2.5YO wants to tell me a story or show me something, that’s often more important than making sure the dishes are done first. There is no after bath time, there is just the bath!!
Yes to all of them, especially number 9, and the comments made this pregnant mom already tear up. I wrote down “when they’re crappy, just add water” on so many notepads throughout the last two years and it always holds true. Forget the dirty car seat, if your child can play with water and sand, they’ll be the happiest.
Yes to “Just add Water”!!!! A Cojo bit of advise I’ve held in my heart and used countless times in my parenting journey. A bath, a glass of water, a trip to the lake or beach, all of these things have turned an otherwise crappy situation around for my kids, and I offer this advise to others often.
My parenting hack is for older kids, because sorry everyone, it gets so much harder…. compliment them ten times a day. At school everyone will put them down, especially if they are boys I am afraid – the teachers, the other kids… tell them you think they are great and one day they will smile at you in a way that will melt your heart. Be their person!
This is so sweet, I’m going to do it. My 6 year old has a teenager-ness to him, he’s strangely tough. I want to keep encouraging his sweetness.
Yep. Mine are 17, 15 and 12. They are under so much pressure at school and on the sports field. They can’t get enough compliments – especially on the things that matter more than grades and accomplishments. Catch them in the kind moments.
Kids don’t need to be showered with cool toys and possessions to know they are loved and supported.
Yes! Parenting advice I always think of: Spend half as much money on them as you think you should, and double the amount of time you spend with them.