Have a Restful Weekend.
What are you up to this weekend? We had kind of an intense week for a few reasons, but this weekend Toby is having his 15th birthday party! (Feels like yesterday, etc.) I’m legitimately excited to host a bunch of sweaty kids, play basketball, and eat caramel cake. Hope you have a good one, and here are a few links from around the web…
How to sneeze quietly. (Immediately texted this to my dad.)
Brooklinen, our favorite home and bedding company, is 25% off sitewide. We have their beautiful bundles on the beds in our house, and I sleep so well on their pillows.
How cool is this 400-square-foot German lakeside house?
Emails with my son about napping on the weekends.
7 things I spotted people wearing in Paris, including a very cool haircut. (Big Salad)
Can’t wait for tomato season. (NYTimes gift link)
An instant cure for restless legs. (via Haley)
10 things I’d tell my 16-year-old self. “There will come a time when you’ll crave your sister’s presence” and “Just because someone is an adult doesn’t mean they’re right.”
How incredible are astronaut Don Pettit’s photos from outer space? (NYTimes gift link)
Unsung heroes of motherhood. “Julie Owens, who bravely tugged on a tankini in mid-January in order to chaperone her twins to an indoor water park. After nearly swallowing a wet Band-Aid in the wave pool, Owens — in a show of tremendous valor — merely dry heaved thrice.”
Next Tuesday in Brooklyn, I’ll be in conversation on stage with my friend Adam Roberts, about his funny first novel — Food Person — about a cookbook ghostwriter. Please come join us, if you’d like!
Plus, two reader comments:
Says Jess on what glimmers have you seen lately: “Oh man, Jo, I wish I could send you a picture – today’s glimmer was passing a random shopfront here in Oxford, England, and seeing a lovely picnic set-up in the window (red-and-white blanket, wicker hamper, fake grass, etc) with a French bulldog lounging in the middle of blanket, staring out at me dolefully. A double-take confirmed that, yep, the dog was real! I think he must like that spot in the window, so the shop owners have given him a scenario. Heaven.”
Says Kate on four beautiful motherhood poems: “Not a poem, but this passage from Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng kills me again and again and again:
‘Parents, she thought, learned to survive touching their children less and less. As a baby Pearl had clung to her; she’d worn Pearl in a sling because whenever she’d set her down, Pearl would cry. There’d scarcely been a moment in the day when they had not been pressed together. As she got older, Pearl would still cling to her mother’s leg, then her waist, then her hand, as if there was something in her mother she needed to absorb through the skin. Even when she had her own bed, she would often crawl into Mia’s in the middle of the night and burrow under the old patchwork quilt, and in the morning they would wake up tangled, Mia’s arm pinned beneath Pearl’s head, or Pearl’s legs thrown across Mia’s belly. Now, as a teenager, Pearl’s caresses had become rare — a peck on the cheek, a one-armed, half-hearted hug — and all the more precious because of that. It was the way of things, Mia thought to herself, but how hard it was. The occasional embrace, a head leaned for just a moment on your shoulder, when what you really wanted more than anything was to press them to you and hold them so tight you fused together and could never be taken apart. It was like training yourself to live on the smell of an apple alone, when what you really wanted was to devour it, to sink your teeth into it and consume it, seeds, core, and all.’”
(Photo by Jacqui Miller/Stocksy.)
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Comments
99 commentsHAPPY BIRTHDAY TOBY!!! I know you’re taller than most of us now but your internet aunties have got your back, tell your mom to holler if you need us! Joanna, please do a post on mothering as your sons get older!
I don’t recommend making your sneezes quieter! As someone who is very self conscious I taught myself a long time ago to hold in sneezes or sneeze very quietly- and it turns out it can actualy rupture your eardrums and cause blood vessel damage because of the pressure. I’m currently trying to unlearn quiet sneezing, but it’s surprisingly hard to deprogram! Also, part of the journey towards being more comfortable taking up space/making noise/being embodied, etc.
Yes! I have never once thought about my sneezes or other people’s, but shaming people for their sneezes feels super weird.
I have misophonia and some sounds give me that enraged feeling (chewing, breathing), but I absolutely never verbalize that because it would be awful of me to shame someone for normal bodily functions, especially considering that I chew, breathe, sneeze too! With regard to sneezing, my adult son is allergic to everything and sneezes loudly a gazillion times in a row. He has a hard enough time being able to breathe between sneezes, let alone trying to quiet them! (Allergy meds can only go so far).
Jersey girl here. Was literally just telling my husband yesterday that I was so ready for tomato season. And that quote, as a mom of a 14 year old girl – all the feels.
An hour ago I managed, without crying, to drop my 28 year old daughter off at the airport to fly back to her home 500 miles away…only to come home and read the passage from Little Fires Everywhere…and burst into tears.
It’s so hard, isn’t it? We are driving all day in Thursday to see our 26 yr old for memorial day weekend. I can’t wait. And I already feel the tears coming knowing we will drive away on Monday and won’t see her again for many months. My only consolation with her living so far away is that she’s so happy and thriving in her life right now and I don’t lie awake every single night so worried for her anymore. But I miss her so very much. I often dream of holding her as a baby, while she’s sleeping, nodded off while nursing and it’s the best dream.
And now that Celeste Ng quote has killed ME! i read that book years ago, but don’t recall that passage. My son is about to graduate high school and leave home for college (as it should be), and i’m feeling all the feels, especially the one where i want him to still need me to hold him, fall asleep with him, cuddle him. What is even happening!!!! sob! (i know. i know)
Right there beside you. It’s so hard, and I’m so, incredibly tender and on-edge right now.
I get it! My daughter is about to graduate high school and is attending a university many states away. I am so excited for her and simultaneously so sad!
Oh, that quote about touching your kids hits home. My oldest is 15, and he will let me give him hugs and kisses because he knows I love it. He will also bargain with me—”If you let me do X, I will give you three hugs” (to be redeemed at a date of my choosing). My daughter (12) will basically only let me be affectionate if something amazing or horrible has happened, and she’s been that way her whole life. But, oh, youngest. He’s almost 7 and still a cuddler. He wants hugs, hand holds, he loves to huggle on the couch and demands we get super close when I sing to him at bedtime. The other day he asked me to carry him home from the bus and I had the simultaneous thoughts “he’s so heavy I can barely do this”/”I’ll probably never do this again” so I held on tight.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how one of the greatest gifts and greatest heartbreaks of parenthood is that we don’t know when the last time our kids will sit on our laps or reach for our hands or crawl in bed for a snuggle will be . . .
I knew immediately when I read ” “Not a poem, but this passage from Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng kills me again and again and again:” what passage it was going to be. I read the book years ago and I still think on this image of living off the smell of apples alone.
Sorry, this must be really awkward for you but you are incorrect about Toby turning 15. He’s still 7, according to my own passing of time and logic. Please make that correction in the post ASAP! xoxo
Even 7 feels like a stretch! Time is so strange. I heard this odd theory on a pod cast the other day. Someone postulated that the only possible way that JS Bach could have composed everything he believe he did was that time was slower back then. He literally had more time in a normal human life, because time was stretched out. I can’t stop thinking about it. It truly does feel, as we get older, that time speeds up. What if somehow it’s not an illusion, not just our perception but our reality?
Oh I really wanted to see what everyone is wearing in Paris! :-/ it used to be a free content on the blog. I’ve just returned from London, my short list of things I’ve spotted: – Longchamp Le Pliage Original Pouch -mini as crossbody – bright color short knitted hat for guys (the hipster kind which hits above the ears) – adidas samba, new balance are still in!
We had a weekend at the coast visiting my dad. His dog is dying and he has to make some compassionate decisions. My mom died 18 months ago and he had to make those decisions too. My marriage is ending and I have hard decisions to make. I’m going to order a burger and a beer because that’s not a hard decision. Here’s an amazing New Yorker piece. https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/what-i-think-will-happen-if-i-go-to-a-bar-and-order-a-whiskey-neat
I hope that burger and beer were a bit of a balm. I’m sorry you’re going through so much. <3
“How to sneeze quietly”=Proof positive that you cannot believe everything you hear on social media.LOL. Loud sneezing is what it is, you can’t truly change it. This is why it isn’t a loud sneezer presenting the clip. Of course, you can muffle the sound into your elbow, but that is also basic hygiene so we should all be doing that.
Our Missing Hearts absolutely shattered me. It was such a good book, so prescient.
Oh my goodness I was in my last semester of college when you announce Toby’s birth. I’ve been reading and loving Cup of Jo ever since! I cannot believe time has how fast time flown by and now my first born is almost 5. Thanks for being a virtual mentor and big sis through all these years! Happiest of birthdays to Toby and a 15th momiversary to you! Also that McSweenies article made me lol.
Oh my gosh thank you, this made my day xoxoxo thank you
I’ve been reading this since I was a junior in college! I was studying abroad and cup of Jo made me feel connected with “American” things :) I now have 2 kids, ages 4 and 5mos. Thanks for being there through it all <3 ((especially your post, “the hardest 2 months of my life.” I bookmarked it and turn to it constantly.))
Almost swallowing a wet bandaid reminded me of your tampon at the park story! Ah.. motherhood. Sorry to retraumatize!!!
GAHHHHH!!!! That was soooo gross
When my pup was young he would eat everything, he was chewing furiously at the park one day, ‘stop it!’ ‘drop it’ ‘leave it’, nothing helped. this tiny bear just chewed faster and harder trying to down his treasure. I caught up to him, grabbed his collar. ‘Spit it!’ – my hand held under his mouth, he sadly spits out his prize. Into my hand. A used condom. I cried.
Ugh!! The fastest eaters on earth are a dog or a toddler with some random thing in their mouth that you’re trying to extract.
My toddler turned around one day, at a park, in early November. With those wax vampire lips popped right into her mouth. Completely gross. Also, my mom friends and I and the bigger kids laughed and laughed and laughed some more our little vampire was so funny.
During covid we were at an outdoor music class in basically a church alley. My two year old wandered off but the whole area was enclosed. What could go wrong? She toddled back and handed me…a human molar.
This is another Little Fires Everywhere quote that really gets me: “To a parent, your child wasn’t just a person: your child was a place, a kind of Narnia, a vast eternal place where the present you were living and the past you remembered and the future you longed for all at the same time. You could see it every time you looked at her: layered in her face was the baby she’d been and the child she’d become and the adult she would grow up to be, and you saw them all simultaneously, like a 3-D image. It made your head spin. It was a place you could take refuge, if you knew how to get in. And each time you left it, each time your child passed out of your sight, you feared you might never be able to return to that place again.” – Celeste Ng
I almost posted that one, too! Celest Ng is soo goooood!
I hope the week ahead is calmer, Joanna ❤️
Happy birthday to Toby! This weekend, we’re celebrating the Knicks and Mets win! We also visited the MoMA for a Family Workshop and La Churreria because the kids were craving churros. We had a wonderful Saturday, but always in the back of my mind I feel guilty, because my brothers and sisters in Palestine are being slaughtered. Not sure how to ever move on from that.
Happy Birthday Toby! 💐🥳🎂
Stop a Sneeze: Press a finger on bone at the base of nose, middle of both nostrils until the urge to sneeze stops. It always works for me. I’ve been telling folks about it for years.
Well yes this of course works I think people do this instinctively but if you need to sneeze that means something’s in your nose that shouldn’t be so I say let it out! :)
the beautiful and accurate excerpt by celeste ng combined with toby’s birthday seems like a perfect pairing. and i should know — my own kiddo is one month older than yours, and i feel exactly this way about him. when they’re little it’s as though they get actual nourishment from your affection, it helps them to be healthy and thrive. i know it helped me, too, and now the cooler, more occasional teenage affection feels like a spa treatment every time.
This is funny because it’s my two teenagers (15 and 16) who seem to crave my physical affection. I think as they are trying to separate and form their own identities, it’s a way that they are able to feel that deep down, they are also still my babies. But! I have a precious squishy 3 year old who is fiercely independent and who will only dole out or tolerate snuggles if you are very, very lucky, and I feel exactly like that quote in wanting to devour her and I have to exercise such restraint not to smother her and give her her space.
Joanna, thank you so much for sharing the NY/ i link. I’ll remember these words- “I want to do things in space that you can only do in space,” he said. “And I’ll worry about catching up with TV programs and things like that after I come back.” and “I’m only 70, so I’ve got a few more good years left,” Mr. Pettit said during the news conference. “I could see getting another flight or two in before I’m ready to hang up my rocket nozzles.” COJ on Saturday is a glimmer! Happy birthday to Toby, I wish him safety, health, love, care, peace, and fun.
The AD link to German cottage is contingent on subscription..I mention because those are usually unlocked here unless you signal with a parenthesied note.
Oh! I saw it without a subscription. Im sorry about that, try opening in a private window? I’ll note this for next time. Thank you xo
Happy Birthday to our sweet Brooklyn Nets loving, Toby! Kate, thank you for sharing that passage. It gutted me the first timeI read it and has stayed with me all these years. My boys are playing guitar in a fundraiser for children affected by the war in Ukraine this Sunday at 4pm at Granby Congregational Church (242 Salmon Brook Street Granby CT). We are located about 30 minutes north of Hartford. All invited, free admission bur donation requested and refreshments served afterwards.
If you’re quick enough, you can prevent sneezing altogether by pinching your upper between your thumb and forefinger. Pinch it right beneath your nose. An old army trick I’ve only just learned from my dad- works for me every time!
which pillow do you recommend? I love hotel pillows but cant find a good option for home. I have a closet full of bad pillows.
I love the Marlowe!
Also, if you love a specific hotel’s pillows, you can call them and ask which ones they use! I used to nanny for a family who did that – they had the most amazing pillows, the same as their favourite fancy hotel in Vancouver.
https://arc4life.com/cart Love this pillow company. I am sleeping so much better lately- had to share ;). Happy birthday to Toby!
I bought a coop pillow a year ago after the same frustration over too many crummy pillows. I’ve had it a decent amount of time now, and feel really glad I invested in it!
This is a little off topic from this post, but within the last few weeks, there was a comment thread about books – with several people chiming in about a book that was a favorite of many, written several years ago. Does anyone remember what this was?! I’ve scoured some comment sections with no luck! TIA!
Yes!! Crossing to Safety: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9820.Crossing_to_Safety
Thank you Joanna!! Can’t wait to add that to my summer reading stack!
Hot take: it’s not that good. It’s of its time but didn’t age well.
I just bought it after reading about it here and also couldn’t remember the name! I went to my local bookseller and said “it’s a classic… from the 80s? and about two couples, maybe in Connecticut or Vermont or Maine?” and she found it for me! Small bookstores forever!
Hannah: I agree! I read it after seeing it on COJ with rave reviews, and…I dunno, I just didn’t get the hype at all.
Yes! Thanks to that comment section I read it and absolutely loved it. Recommended to my brother and will now be going down the Wallace Stevens rabbit hole, lol. Interesting Hannah didn’t think it aged well; I mostly did, though it’s definitely of it’s time. Part of the appeal?
Crossing to Safety … I read it recently after the recommendation here. Do not walk … RUN … to get your hands on a copy.
I can guarantee you will like it or not like it.
I also just read this based on recs here! I really loved it. Felt a peaceful undercurrent even through the different emotions the story takes you. And his nature descriptions are delicious.
Hahaha the sneezing! When my daughter was a tween and she was having friends over she said, “Daddy, you can’t sneeze when my friends are here!”
Happy Birthday Toby! & thanks for another great collection of links. I always look forward to this on Friday. Hearing that Toby is 15 is like visiting the niece or nephew and remembering them as toddlers and seeing that they are, in fact, much older than that (how did that happen?!) (I know they are growing up, but in my head they are still tinies!) May I share something I just learned: the Majority Project, sending one million postcards on June 1 to congress and others who need to see that the majority of Americans across all lines actually agree on all of these issues, and that our representative government should start representing the majority of all voters in our county. Also, if you decide to purchase postcards, you are supporting a Black family owned business! Still time before June 1 to participate, and okay to send a little late! https://www.signsofjustice.com/ products/contact-congress-postcards Still spending most of my time exhausted and scared, but have plans for a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend. Best wishes to all of us!
Happy birthday to Toby! If this works for restless legs, many of us will be forever in your debt.
I hit the paywall before I can see the very cool haircut, but I can’t stop my brain from filling in Claire’s haircut from Fleabag 😅 “It’s French!”
Ha ha ha ha. One of the best scenes ever. That many of us, unfortunately, can relate to. A bad haircut, omg, so temporarily and shallowly terrible but also soul crushing.
Oh my gosh, I remember reading about Toby’s arrival. Can’t believe it was 15 years ago! And this weekend my little squish is turning 4. Do he and Toby share a birthday?!
Toby’s actual birthday is May 25, we just had the party early. Happy birthday to your little sweetie!
I immediately sent the sneezing article to my husband! I immediately looked at a train ticket to Oxford to wander and find the cutest shop dog in the world! Happy birthday to Toby and to you mama!
The quote from “Little Fires Everywhere”…I am crying. My tiny baby girl who came home after an emergency c section, just over 4 lbs, with jaundice, who was not getting milk…she’s now 11. 5’5”! Wavy hair to her waist. Plays softball and Harry Potter video games, sings and dances around the house. I cannot get enough of her smell, her sweet little chin, her brace face smile, the smell of her hair. Sometimes I think my heart will break of this much love.
Oh those words about motherhood. Our daughter has just turned 20 and is not big into hugs or touch so the quick cuddle on Mother’s Day felt so poignant.
Love seeing the little fires everywhere rec! Also recommend everything I need told you (a little bit of a lovely bones feeling, but less juvenile), and our missing hearts.
I also immediately texted my Dad the sneezing article . It’s a running joke in our family !:) One time I called my mom and my dad sneezed in the background and I asked my mom if they got a dog. It legit sounded like a dog barking !
15 is such a fun age! Happy Birthday wishes!
I truly believe if you sneeze loudly with wild abandon is indicative how you orgasm. I had a friend who would stifle her sneezes. Later found out she had never had an orgasm in all of her relationships. Just saying …
OMG… this theory fits with all I know about sneezers and orgasms. How have I never seen the connection? This would be an interesting scientific study.
Saw this on the McSweenys site: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/an-open-letter-to-robert-f-kennedy-jr-who-thinks-my-daughter-is-a-tragedy
This is beautiful. I wish he would see this letter to him, but he’s so ignorant. He’s how old and doesn’t even know people think differently ? Perceive differently? Create differently? ( lucky us to be the benefactors of these awesome minds !! ) This administration is so gross.
Between the advice on how to sneeze quietly and the sock trick for RLS, this may be my favorite Friday roundup! There should be a whole post about advice/tips like those.
Happy birthday to Toby!
Ok but for real Max changing its name has given me so much satisfaction because only serial killers stopped calling it HBO! I’m no marketing guru but HBO has to be one of the most recognizable brands, why did they ever do that?????
Aww happy birthday, Toby!! And happy “birth” day to you, Jo!!! And OMG this is soooo spot on from the Aja Frost article: 8. Going to college matters, but where you go doesn’t. Your career has in no way suffered because you didn’t attend an Ivy League (sorry, spoiler.) Seriously, you have no idea where any of your coworkers went to college. TO EVERYONE, PLEASE CONSIDER ATTENDING COMMUNITY COLLEGE! You don’t need to kill yourselves (and tap into your retirement) to send your kids to a four-year. Please don’t poo poo community college! Some of the most brilliant minds of our time have attended community college!
As a community college professor, I co-sign this. ;) My colleagues are some of the most passionate, innovative educators I’ve ever met.
I’d say… maybe, and maybe not. One thing that is part of name recognition is the ongoing connections you make through the name recognition, and those DO affect your career. And for marginalized students, sometimes an Ivy League name is actually really important to get your foot in the door later. That said, Michelle Obama is credited with saying the only thing worse than graduating with a lot of college debt, is NOT graduating, with a lot of college debt.
Thank you for your perspective @ ABESHA1! Students can spend MUCH less taking their general Ed classes at a community college then transfer to an Ivy League college. There are sooo many AMAZING community college education pathways that especially support marginalized students! At the end of the day, the focus is carving out a career path to earn thriving wages to live a fulfilling life. And there are so many ways to live a good life which doesn’t have to drain you financially.
#AMK You win the Cup of Jo prize in the Graceful Response category 🌺 I love a good, thoughtful discussion!
Yes to community college! I teach at one and just did the math for my students: Our school: $3600 per year Our top state-school transfer institution: $12000 per year w/o housing, $32000 with housing. Our top private transfer institution: $56000 per year without housing! And… many community colleges have paths to transfer, so it may actually be easier to get into some schools as a transfer. Also… OMG I posted the Celeste Ng quote! I think about it almost daily and am so glad other people are connecting to it. Hugs to all the parents out there secretly sniffing the scalps of their teens and tweens and pre-teens. My sweet munchkin is 10 and it is so real. (Incidentally, the CoJ post about ‘the ache’ helped me so much when I both wanted a second baby, but also knew that our family of three was complete. Forever grateful for that!) For now… totally fangirling out about having a featured post and I’m trying to play it sooo cool.
My dear dad (gone since 2009) had a legendary sneeze!
Have to tell you that I understand why you have different articles on Big Salad, I am put off by the way you start a story and then stop and say the rest is for paid subscribers only. It feels like a bait and switch move. If the story is restricted then don’t tease your readers with it.
Thanks for your note! My thinking is that if someone if considering paying to read the article, we want to show them a little about what the article is — so they know what they’re getting before they sign up. Hope this helps! It’s a reader-supported newsletter so different from CoJ (which has been 100% free for 18 years, happy to say). Thank you!! Xo
My jaw dropped at Toby turning 15!!!!! Feels SO old all of a sudden. Happy birthday to him!
Happy birthday to Toby! Jo, I hope you get some time to recover from the intensity. I swear SOMETHING was going on astrologically. (Maybe one of you has the astro scoop?)
I loved Unsung heroes of motherhood. The one about the husband bemoaning the lack of Funyuns during labor really hit home. My own beloved husband complained about the pillow on his hospital lounger throughout 45 hours of labor and an emercency c-section. Then he promptly went back to work 2 days later…. Don’t worry, he did much better with child #2.
Adam had a magical Grub Street Diet out today! I look forward to these every Friday morning and his was legendarily creative and warm: https://www.grubstreet.com/article/adam-roberts-grub-street-diet.html
Restless legs? Please go get your ferritin levels checked! If you need to supplement, take iron bisglycinate—it won’t upset your stomach and does not cause constipation like the other types do (e.g. ferrous sulfate, the most common type on the shelf). You can take it at bedtime with a bit of inexpensive vitamin C (a generic ascorbic acid is just fine) on an empty stomach for better absorption. Do not take your iron supplements with a meal, or caffeine. Empty stomach is best, which is why iron bisglycinate is so useful: you won’t be nauseous taking it on an empty stomach as you can be with the other types. Iron supplements have low compliance due to gastric upset, but if you’ve only tried ferrous sulfate in the past, give it another go with bisglycinate, and get your levels checked on a regular basis to understand what level of supplementation is appropriate for you.
I’m going to try this Kate, thank you. My ferritin dipped a lot for several reasons and I’ve been doing iron + vitamin C for quite a while, hoping for a boost in hair growth (taking minoxidil as well), but no luck yet. I find it challenging to have that empty belly, no coffee, every single day. Do you think it’s OK to take the iron + C in close proximity to the magnesium sulfate i take at bedtime?
Happy Birthday Toby.
This post is giving me all the feels … first and foremost, 15 – wow! I remember reading about Toby’s arrival and can’t believe how time has flown (to put it mildly). Happy, happy birthday Toby!
Happiest of birthdays to Toby!! 15 – how on earth did that happen? Xx
Oh my goodness. Your comment about sending the sneezing article to your dad made me laugh! My dad’s sneezes are so loud and alarming to my stepmom, that for years he has had a special hand wave he does when he is about to sneeze in order to warn her!
It’s hard to believe Toby will be 15. I hope he will have a fantastic birthday!
Just a tip if you suffer from restless legs to get your iron/ferritin checked as this can be linked to low iron! (But should check with doctor first as too much iron is also bad!)