How Does It Feel to Be a Sports Mom?

I love this so much. What a good friend! My daughter had softball coaches that were good friends and their laughter and fun really set the tone for the team. Happy coaches, happy kids!

Tennis! I’ve made some lovely friends who all started out as beginners in the same class as me. And it’s exercising without feeling like exercise because it’s fun lol

I’ve hear Pickle Ball is fun. I’ve never tried it and I am not sure if that’s how you spell it, but apparently it is great fun and relatively easy.

Ceridwen, my advice is to try a few different things and see what you enjoy! Racquet sports are fun but have a steep learning curve (and aren’t something you can do by yourself, if that’s a consideration). Some individual sports – like swimming or climbing/bouldering – might be based out of a gym with a great community. The more common team sports like soccer or basketball or softball probably have local leagues for all age ranges (and perhaps different specified levels of competitiveness)

I’m 41 and took up Bouldering (rock climbing without ropes) last year and I am DEEPLY in love with it!!

Pickleball for sure! I just turned 48 and have been playing for about 6 months and loving it!! It’s so much fun, a great way to meet people (or not, if you prefer not to:)) and great for any level of fitness. Most people who try it seem to immediately love it, it’s just such a fun stress reliever but you can also be competitive if that’s what you’re into.

I love badminton ! I love make ng contact with the birdie ! That was over 50 years ago but still remember. I loved neighborhood kickball games as a kid. Softball too. But these were all neighborhood games. I was in band in school. I liked learning the marching routines. Our band director was abusive though. His way would never fly today. We used to shake with fear when he called on us to play. I still remember in 8th grade homeroom, it was announced over the intercom that band sectionals were cancelled and me and my bestie screamed in glee so loudly, we were sent “out into the hall ” as punishment. We were also sent into the hall for applying our red lip gloss in class but that’s another story and not sport related ha :)

No silver bullet, but I’ve found that rec teams are the sweet spot for my two girls (9 and 13). They’ve done soccer, swimming, track, nordic skiing and dance. My oldest especially has some perfectionist tendencies and I told her she can “take it to the next level” if she decides to in high school, but we’re going to stick with our local rec teams until then. Another bonus – its way cheaper than the whole club sports scene.

I think that you’re even asking that will mean that it probably wont happen to your kids. Just be there and enjoy watching and don’t push them. Let them know all the other things that are valuable about them and that you enjoy watching them play with or lose.

Your answer is in your comment—you stay far, far away from the travel team. Stay on the rec teams, and the school teams unless you 100% know that you want your kid to pursue a scholarship in the sport. And, in that case, they may not be picking their college, their sport may be picking their college. And, as you said their performance will equal their value. I made it sound simplistic, I know, but any team that costs lots of money and time and parental involvement is sending the message that performance does equal value.

@Becca love your wise, definitive perspective and wish I’d been able to hear/heed something similar when my kid was younger! It seems exactly right, though can be hard to commit and stick to, depending on your community — for example, I’m a non-athlete but our family’s “youth-sports mentors” in the neighborhood were college athletes themselves, hoping to raise kids similar. Being an inexperienced but curious person, here I am with my kid and partner trying it out in the pricey competitive leagues, and very conflicted about it for all the reasons stated above

Julie- we have a similar track! I also played (and loved) softball from age 7 through Junior year of high school. A shitty varsity coach killed my love of the game, and so i moved onto the drama club and became a theater kid. I even got a degree in theater in college! 20 years later, and in an entirely different career now, I went on a tour of our local community theater with my kids’ scouts group and was like – oh my gosh, I miss this!! Theater people are the best people.

Well I just have to chime in because, same! Started T-ball at 5, played every summer until sophomore year of HS when I had to choose between JV team and play rehearsal for after school that fall. I chose the play… then majored in theater, got an MFA, became an actor and now I teach it! So it was the right choice.

I’m so sorry that happened to your son. He sounds like a wonderful young man.

I want to be your middle-aged hiking friend! If only!

I think the definition has already really changed. When I was growing up, there was a “ballet isn’t a sport” attitude, and that is not the case anymore. So many niche sports have gained popularity and become more accessible. Even cheerleading, which was once broadly ridiculed, is widely seen as extremely athletic.

What lovely advice. I was also a reader and a loner and the message I got from my parents was “well you’re not good at sports”, which only translated into ignoring and being alienated from my body for so long. Now I believe strongly that everyone should find a way they enjoy to move their body often. You only get one.

Anon, I appreciate this thought! Thanks to severe Scoliosis, I was always exempt from gym class as a kiddo. (I took health instead, and loved it!) I probably took for granted that my parents always supported the hobbies I took up during that time I spent away from the field. At the age of 38, they’re still rapt audiences for what I’ve drawn, written or sewn. :-) I can attest that any type of cheerleading makes all the difference!

Big hug to you, Christopher <3 What a loving gift for your kids and your inner kiddo.

I love this. When my mom died in high school, my dad made sure to be at every game. It matters!!

Aw that’s awesome!

Good for you, it’s difficult to let go like that. If it helps, get her a mouth guard.

I agree Sara! My 9 yr old daughter recently had a gymnastics skills test (she’s in beginner level) and the coach told us some skills she needed to work harder on to advance to intermediate level. My daughter told me, “What’s the rush to move to intermediate? I like this class that i’m in.” As a recovering perfectionist and anxious over-achiever myself, I was SO damn proud of her!! (And proud of myself that i’m breaking that cycle in our family system.). If they’re having fun moving their bodies, thats all that matters.

Alex, I’m proud of her too! That’s impressive. Way to go!

My 9yo has been doing flag football for 2 years now and has been asking about doing tackle and I just am not ready for him to do it! I’ve read way too many articles on the head injuries in the NFL and it freaks me right out – I hate the idea of him getting some permanent damage from something he loves now, but will likely not make a career out of (we’re Canadian, so our chances are even lower!). I know I’m over-anxious about this, but there are just some things I’m not comfortable with at this point. Maybe I’ll reconsider when he’s a teenager?

Oh, thank you for this comment. I recently made my tween take a break from a sport she enjoyed because it was sucking up too much family time. I’ve felt guilty about it, but your comment gives a little boost to my instinct that this is the right choice for her and our family. It frustrates me that kids’ sports are so intense; I want my kids to be able to play, but I’m not okay with them missing every family dinner or being busy weekends year-round.

This is such a hard balance! We have four kids so even with one sport per kid you can imagine what that would look like (still young so we’re not at that phase quite yet)! Our oldest has been in ballet for a few years and has decided to take a break next year, and while I’m a little sad (I danced through my 20s), I am SO EXCITED to have her home more!

I wonder if your kids felt that all that driving WAS precious family time?!

I love this! Dancing requires athleticism so doesn’t that make it a sport?

@Helga – yes, Highland Dance is most definitely a sport! To me, it’s a sport not because it’s athletic, but because they are competing. There is a judge and they are scored on technique, accuracy, precision, etc. and then they end up with a placement and medal (or not!) This is not to knock many other forms of dance that are athletic AT ALL. For example, ballet is one of the most rigorous and athletic practices I can think of, but I wouldn’t call it a sport. I’d call it an art form from the heavens, lol. So beautiful! Curious to hear others’ opinions!

Hi! I’m just here to gently ask, what if you don’t have a physical-loving kid? I was not. My parents tried to force me and it was miserable. I was always the worst one on my team, the worse one in gym class, etc. now that I’m older I’ve found a style of yoga that suits me but as a child I was MUCH happier with my newspaper-journalism crew and my theater kids. I was of course physically moving regularly – walks to school, bike rides, etc – but anything more structured just felt like pressure and I really still feel stressed remembering it! Maybe you just meant “learn to ride a bike” ?? But oof, having a rule about something more structured may or may not work out for your baby! Just some unsolicited thoughts in case you hadn’t considered that perspective…

I have been surprised by what my kids love/don’t love in this realm. Love- being outside, climbing, biking, hockey for my son. Hockey was on my no list along with football and eating disorder sports but he loved it at first sight and we are finding ways to make it work for our family including gear swaps, used gear, and limiting weeknight practices. Don’t love- team sports or anything for my 6 year old daughter. This surprised me for! We are rolling with it. No family rules about being active because growing up the unspoken second half of that was “so you don’t gain weight.” We make sure that we enjoy time outside and make space for play/unstructured outside time… I want my kids to feel grounded and comfortable in their bodies and so far they do!

Meant to say both kids love climbing trees or really anything climb-able ha! I love seeing their joy as they climb high even while I hide my internal fear of them falling.

Hey Rachel! I’m actually coming at this from a very non-sporty childhood myself, and I do definitely mean things like bike riding, yoga, indoor and outdoor playgrounds and spaces, etc. My spouse is big into fly fishing, which to me is actually a lot like yoga! We’ve very aware though that our kid may not like fishing, or may not be into hiking, running, skiing, and ice skating like I am. I of course could be over correcting from my childhood! I don’t mean “you’re with a team every Saturday or else.” I just mean, it’s important to us for our kid to find at least one hobby or routine (like biking to school) that involves or focuses on the physical. My poor kid, almost every adult in their extended family has a higher degree of one stripe or another. I just don’t want them feeling disconnected from their body or like physical activities are less than. But we’ve got plenty of templates to work from if we’ve got a low key indoor kid, or similar.

And I should say, I don’t even mean that we’ll necessarily tell our kid about this out loud. It’s more like a rule for us as the parents, to be mindful that our kid is comfortable in and feels connected to their body. And that if they DO want to pursue a hobby or sport, they’ll feel just as supported as they certainly will feel if they join the mathletes like their mom 🙃

I was inspired by a column in a local newspaper about a woman in her 50s who joined a rowing team for the first time (need to live near water) and another story in The NY Times by a man’s mother who took up cycling in her 60s. Reminds me not to be too timid.

Do you have dragon boating in your area? I was part of a women’s team for 5 years and loved the adult team experience.

I just joined a beginner adult soccer league (mostly other moms from my daughter’s club soccer team) and it has been so wonderful! Not only do I get some exercise, but we’re building community and our daughters are witnessing us try something outside our comfort zones.

This gives me pause too Kat! We are still years away from this (currently toddler and baby) but we see friends with older kids navigating it and it seems so hard to balance supporting your kid’s love of the sport they’re doing and not sacrificing all of your relaxing family time for it. We are going to wait and see – where we live it very much depends on what your kid ends up being into, some things require you to remortgage your house and devote every waking moment, but others are still very chill and more like fun rec leagues! Very curious to hear from other readers about their experiences

It’s absolutely bonkers. What is asked/expected of “sports parents” today is totally unrecognizable from when I was a kid, unless you’re talking about maybe a kid who was very very serious about say, gymnastics, in a “shooting for the Olympics” type way. The fact that waking up at 4 or 5 am on a Saturday to drive something like 6 hours (!) to play a game in a distant city is normal? Well, that’s NOT actually normal. And we’re not even talking about varsity-level teams, Olympic contenders, or anything like that. This is what “commitment to sports” looks like here, from like, older elementary school grades on up. It’s baffling to me! The time, the expense, the presumption!! What happens to kids whose parents can’t make time commitments like this? Sure, it’s great for kids to push themselves and have all kinds of opportunities, but it seems to be a pretty steep price to pay, in terms of actual down time, family sanity, relaxed fun (!) etc. I miss those rec-sports days too!!

I had friends who did soccer but the parents cut it off at club levels for those reasons too. And those friends did other things and are fine and happy. Had kids I tutored who felt absolutely forced (by their parents) into elite levels of sport + instrument + clubs and then never touched those things again as soon as they could step away. Thinking of friends whose parents, for many various reasons, weren’t ever going to have capacity for extracurricular support. Have also had friends with parents (with financial/times means) who went all in and the kids have played at intense national levels. As for the last one — It would be hard to imagine doing that for my kid if I was ever a parent. I (feel) I would resent having no free time/time that didn’t revolve around the sport… all to say, I guess it just varies a lot depending on kid desire levels / parent capacity / parent personal boundaries ?

I hear that! I too refuse to sacrifice our flexible weekends in service of sport. But other parents seem to really enjoy it, and it becomes a big part of their identity? So hey, you do you!

Absolutely. Two boys playing club soccer year round, and I can’t take it anymore! Club level sports definitely takes the fun out of what started as low stakes in a friendly atmosphere. I love rec leagues, when coaches were volunteer parents and it felt like a community. I do love that my boys are athletic and love the game, but I am so done.

Kat and .S. – we are in the middle of this spectrum from very chill to super intense club sports. My heart breaks for my friends whose kids do club sports – they travel every weekend, they’re constantly gone, their kids miss every birthday party and many are even checked out of school early DAILY so they can make it to club sports on time. Their kids often have meltdowns from tiredness, the parents are exhausted and poor, they’re not eating dinner as a family, usually one sibling is toted along or left out. That’s not worth it to me (just my opinion!) My daughter is 8 and in a high intensity sport that could take over our whole life if we let it (she’s a competitive Scottish Highland dancer.) So we have simply decided as a family that we don’t let it take over. She has lessons one hour per week, we say yes to events and competitions that feel fun for our entire family, and we check in regularly about whether it’s fun or not. She loves it and I love a lot of things about it, but we aren’t flying all over the world to compete or arranging our family vacations around dance competitions the way many others do. The health of our whole family comes before any one person’s sport/job/extracurricular or hobby. That means I stay boundaried around my work travel as much as possible, we don’t live our lives by the dance calendar, we don’t sign up for the swim lessons that happen during dinner time or church, we aren’t constantly booking activities over our beloved Friday tradition of pizza, popcorn and a movie night together. Our family rituals ground us and keep us whole and – I hope – will provide a stable foundation for my kids to return to when they are teenagers and beyond. No sport (and no one child’s happiness!) should trample over the wellbeing of the whole family, and I truly believe they will thank me for it one day, even if it means I say no to things now. Sending love to all parents who are navigating this!

Lots is made out of how sports teaches teamwork and all that, but with how much participating in youth sports asks of your time and resources, I think it has truly become a lesson in saying no and holding boundaries—for kids and adults. I say no a lot. No to travel leagues. No to having your own bat (or whatever) when there are team bats you can use. No to special clinics. My kids have also learned to say no. No to practice when it conflicts with music lessons. No to late meets when you have tests the next day. No to letting sport become your whole identity. Learning how to find balance and say no has by far been the most valuable lesson sports has given my kids (and me!). Here’s my sports cheer: 2,4,6,8 saying no sometimes feels great!

Same! The breaking point for me was driving 4 hours each way for a mandatory mountain bike race… and it lasted about 25 minutes. The other kids’ bikes cost more than my car in college and we were asked to spend thousands of dollars a year to pay for snacks, energy gels, you name it. In the end, my son hated racing and finally decided it was making him dislike all his time on the bike. That was it for me. He just rides in the woods now, no cowbells and team jerseys needed. If only we could wrangle some other defectors and start a Go Your Own Way Club!

I have a 10 and a 12 yo. My10 yo is not that sporty, but my 12 yo quite athletic. I try to support their interests and follow their lead, but I did veto year round team gymnastics. My husband and I are both physicians and so can’t necessarily travel on weekends when on call and it seemed unfair to my 10 yo to drag him to gymnastics meets hours away every weekend. When the opportunity for team came up, she just seemed so young to put all her eggs and effort in that basket. She has been able to channel that into cheer (3 months a year) and circus arts and has gotten to try rec lacrosse and field hockey and golf and tennis. Not to mention all her non sports interests. I just want my kids to enjoy being physically active and try a bunch of thongs. I have intentionally avoided any club sports requiring travel. So will they get a sports scholarship? Definitely not. But I hope they’ll make it to adulthood with an enjoyment of physical activity, without any major sports injuries and with enthusiasm both for the things they do and for trying new things.

I feel this deeply!!! I want my kiddo to like sports, but not THAT much that it takes over her (our) life! Tough balance for sure! I feel like it used to be much more recreational unless you sought out a “travel team”. Now the travel team is default!

My husband and I feel the exact same way. We went our kids to be involved in sports if they want to be—and we will support them to the ends of the earth—but it will NOT be our life. We have other values that rank much, much higher. I have heard recently about the benefits of “pickup” games. (You know, gather all the kids from the neighborhood and let’s play baseball with however many we have.) The benefits are astounding! My family, my in-laws, and a few other families are hoping to establish a weekly pickup softball game at my in-laws’ house this summer. I can’t wait!

I so hear this! My oldest son is only 4, but he’s clearly quite physically talented. My biggest worry is that he’ll take up a sport and be good enough that the expectation will become unmanageable, although even regular level team sports seem unmanageable these days! We keep reminding ourselves that we’re the parents and we get to decide what the limits are.

I’m also a club sports mom and agree with everything in these comments. While I do love supporting something my kids genuinely love, and I have found a lovely community of other families as a result of the teams we are part of, there are real downsides. Being “good” at a sport (which in our world simply means making the varsity team when you get to high school) means having to play the sport practically year-round to keep up with the other kids. I have a high school freshman who plays three sports, soccer, baseball and basketball, all of which he has loved since he was tiny. But the grind and the pressure to keep up is enormous and hard on him and us to sustain. There is also impact to the other kids in our family who are into different things and also deserve just as much of our time and attention. Finally, the monetization of kid sports at the higher levels is gross. In basketball, for example, parents pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for their kids to be on a team, plus all travel costs, and then on top of that get charged $20 for a day pass at the door to watch them play. It’s all something I feel very challenged by.

This really resonates with me. I personally didn’t do any sports, but my brother was a year round athlete as a kid, just for the fun of it (think: soccer, basketball, baseball, ultimate frisbee, track). As he got to about 5th grade, little league practices were 2-3 hours a day, 3-4 days a week and he told my parents he wanted to quit. It simply wasn’t fun anymore; he wanted to play baseball for the joy of the game with his friends, not incessant drills at practice. My parents were really supportive, even when some of the other parents questioned my brother’s choice, citing that he was such a skilled athlete and wasn’t it a shame that he was giving up a sport he was talented at. My parents would simply echo that my brother made a decision for himself, based on what aligned with his happiness, and they weren’t going to argue with it. In the years since, my brother remains incredibly active any healthy: he rides his bicycle most days, plays pick up basketball and kickball, occasionally runs, goes to the gym, and takes really long walks. He gets at least an hour of exercise a day, maybe two, always following the rule of choosing activities that make him feel good. I really admire that (and appreciate my parents were so supportive of both of our choices).

You should definitely check out the book “Take Back the Game” by Linda Flanagan. It addresses a lot of these concerns and was a really eye-opening read for me (another parent who enjoys kids’ sports, but feels a little weirded out about some of the cultural intensity).

I was a runner growing up, but with parents who had a real, if you want to do this, you need to figure out a way to get yourself there and back attitude. We weren’t quite that extreme with ours, but we decided not to put our daughters in sports that required a lot of parental time or effort. Ballet is mostly a drop-off sport as long as you don’t do competitive dance. Now that they’re older, they get themselves there and back most days. It occupies large parts of their week, but we feel less guilty about working late, and I get quality time with my wife on Saturdays while they’re dancing. It works for us. All of their friends are in ballet, so they don’t miss out on much. I don’t need to ask if they want to quit because I’m constantly being asked if they can add another class or a workshop, or if they can have some new gear.

I only have a toddler but my husband and I have decided no travel sports. I hate driving and we live in a large city with lots of opportunities. If you can’t find something to play here it doesn’t need to happen. I work a full time demanding job I can’t also sacrifice all my weekends and time after work driving.

More parents should take your advice. My son is a sports fanatic, but I see so many poor kids being pushed by their parents into sports and just being miserable. Let the poor kid do something else!!!

Totally agree Claudia. I’ve always been let the kid decide. I loved sport growing up and my son was into it – AFL (Aussie football) and cricket. My daughter, I tried so hard and I remember taking her to a dance school and she just cried and cried and then we tried another and she said “I know how to dance”, she was about 5. She tried Aus Kick and it was overwhelming for her. She’s very artistic and I followed her lead.

This is so funny to me that people actually thought it would hurt your kid to not be involved in team sports. My parents kind of thought team sports were dumb (I don’t!!). They just thought most kids aren’t going to go pro and it can take up SO MUCH TIME! (Again though, it’s great if you want to pursue that with your kids and it does have lots of benefits I’m sure.) I played classical piano all through childhood and highschool and they thought that was a more worthy endeavor as it was a skill I’d have for the rest of my life. And like you said, I’m totally fine as an adult and can work as a team player.

to reassure, we definitely talk about it a LOT as a team, with relatives, with friends, etc etc etc. — and we write about politics and protests here and on instagram. but it doesn’t make sense as a strategy for us to turn into a political site 100%. people would stop reading and we would have a MUCH smaller audience. so we keep the site going with a somewhat regular cadence, plus a number of political posts and a big push on instagram. this is a critical and lasting strategy that we have thought very deeply about. no one is ignoring what’s at stake!

I would also like to add, as a reader here in the states, that this very concern has been discussed here before. It does seem strange, but frankly, we need some relief, some semblance of normalcy, which this site helps provide. This is also a strong supportive community where we can come for help and reassurance. In fact, this is where I learned about the Hands Off protest, and I have found other ideas and links from commenters (like 5 a day). Honestly, this is a crushing, scary time, and we are all thinking the same things you are: how do we live with this? How do we survive? What is going to happen? Somehow we have to find some normalcy, some calm, and once I was reassured that CoJ was not ignoring everything but trying to deal with it, I have found great reassurance in this site and this community.

My heart has melted countless times over the last four years my daughter has been in dance. I swoon and tear up every time she takes the stage, there is something so sweet about tiny dancers. She is now seven and is not technically a tiny dancer anymore, but I am still so smitten with the whole thing.

I second this! I hired a trainer for a few sessions ($$$) before my wedding, and I loved looking and feeling strong, but it feels so difficult to keep the habit going after the fact. The weight room and progressing forward seems so intimidating!

Hey Kari! I started lifting weights about a year and a half ago after watching my husband do it since we met almost 20 years ago. Through his recommendation I signed up for The Pump app. This is Arnold Schwarzeneggers app. It has changed my life!!! I have never been this fit and strong. I’m bummed that I waited until I was 42 to start this but grateful everyday. I never thought I’d be pushing an app but it tells you exactly what to do and it’s an incredibly supportive and positive space. No gimmicks. Just the basics and science backed articles and info. Highly recommend lifting (heavy) weights! Game changer!

I started lifting heavy weights this year at age 37 and like everyone else has said, it has totally changed my life. Chronic back pain? Gone! Energy levels? Skyrocketed. I found it REALLY helpful to go to a dedicated weight lifting gym. There are a few options in my small city and I bet you could find one near you. They’re not nearly as intimidating as I expected, and half the folks there are just middle aged normal folks doing their best. Fat people, old people, queer people. I’ve been so inspired by the community of folks who show up just because they want to feel strong. The place I go has one coach to four students so it’s almost like personal training, but way more affordable and you still get that personal attention. I go twice a week and that feels really sustainable. It’s been about six months and I never skip because twice/week feels so doable. I vastly prefer going to this style of gym than doing it at home because I can progress up to higher weights without having to turn my house into fitness studio. I also prefer it to a bigger anything goes type gym because I can ask questions, get support where I need it and (most importantly) not injure myself!

I really love this newsletter/blog/beginning lifting program: https://www.shesabeast.co/ Casey makes everything super approachable and is a good read. I would also recommend, if you can, find a powerlifting gym and take a few classes. Powerlifting is one of the most inclusive sports I’ve participated in. There’s the getting stronger aspect, the social aspect since all the PL gyms I’ve been in have a healthy amount of chitchat between sets, and especially in Portland where I live, it is just all super welcoming of all bodies, abilities, genders. I’ve been in gyms where people are lifting anything from the bar alone to the bar with hundreds of pounds on it—and everyone gets solid claps and encouragement that is so genuine and sincere.

I was a cardio junkie until I got hurt a few years ago and decided to incorporate consistent strength training. The Nike Training Club app has some great free programs to get you started! I also like Kim Miller Fitness which is only $20 a month. She puts out a new set of workouts (20 or 40 minute options) every week, and they are easy to follow. You get up to five days of strength workouts. I just do 2-3 a week, and I can really feel the difference!

Hi Kari! When I turned 40, I decided I wanted to “be stronger” by the time I turned 41. I ended up manifesting strength in more ways than just physical (it still shocks me how much this mantra has carried me through since my 40th birthday), but for the physical part I joined a gym and actually stuck with a routine for the first time in my whole life. What helped was finding a gym where people felt welcoming and the classes sounded fun; it was new to my area so everyone was “new,” and I found people that looked like me. I picked one class time per week that was “my time,” made myself say hi to one new person every class until I started to find other regulars who were at similar fitness levels to me, and just kept showing up. Going to the gym is now something I look forward to every day. I don’t mind waking up early to go, have become IRL friends with some of my fellow early morning gym goers, and have proven to myself that I can do hard things. I’m almost a year into the process and can honestly say learning to lift weights has made me stronger: physically, emotionally, mentally, and socially.

I have 5 and 10 pound weights and home and do Lauren Fitter’s workouts on YT. I started with her when I was pregnant but she has ton of videos for non-pregnant people as well.

Just wanted to add… if weight lifting is not for you, maybe give aerials a try! I started at 38 years and am stronger (and have more muscle) than I’ve ever been. For me, I like the mix of creativity/artistry and full body strength work out that aerials provides. I’ve also met a lot of wonderful people through the classes I’ve taken.

I’ve also recently taken this up following an online course and now also visiting a gym and it’s THE BEST. I’ve never had an endorphin high from sport before but I get one every time from lifting heavy stuff. It feels amazing. And I’m so much more capable in every day life now too.

I started weight lifting over two years ago. I found a personal trainer who has his own small gym. After about a year, my husband joined me, and about six months ago my 14 year old daughter started coming too! So my solo session is now a group family session. It’s a little pricey but I feel like in the long run I am going to age strong and that will hopefully keep other health costs lower! It’s also a surprisingly fun family activity. We razz each other a bit but also cheer on each other’s successes!

I’m sure her golf instructor will be the most knowledgeable local person on this topic…just call them. You should join your kids on the ski lessons and learn as a family. What could be more bonding? They will probably master it before you do but you’ll have the initial experience together and can enjoy ski trips, even if you all hit different slopes once you get there. Just have fun, don’t stress! Tennis is also a lot of fun for the whole family and really good socially, especially down the line.

@elle I don’t know where you live but here in Minneapolis there are all-day kid skiing lessons where they have instructors take them to different hills during the winter (also: parents get 8:30-5 to ourselves. PRICELESS) Definitely an investment. The local one is called Blizzard. We also have a few municipal (local park) golf courses around the Twin Cities that are affordable places to golf. There may be options like these near you. My son is taking a golf lesson at one this spring. Our park and rec programs here are really great, I knew nothing about them pre-kid.

Re: Skiing… what is stopping you from doing it too? We live near a ski resort and i always thought it was “not for me”. However, because it is so popular in our area, I felt my son needed to learn, so we all did. At age 40, I bought the seasons pass and the gear and some lessons and I can’t believe we didn’t do it sooner! I wasn’t elegant and 4 year olds were passing me… but now I can do a black run and I enjoy a day out with friends. It is expensive – but if you commit to truly getting better you average down the cost. It forces you outside during the winter! It is great socialization for introverts like us, because lots of time you aren’t face to face and we listen to audio books on the way there and back. Golf is our next challenge!

I love this comment, Erin! I have young kids now (6 and 2), but get SO nervous watching friends with older kids spending all of their evenings and weekends driving to/attending sports activities for their kids. We can’t meet up for lunch or a movie or go camping or have fun sleepovers or pool parties. I’m thinking really hard about what an investment in a sport gives to kids vs what it takes away.

All the things you mention are the reasons I’ve developed a negative bias against team/organized sports. My son is 2.5, so I don’t have direct experience with this yet, but our friends who have older kids are completely immersed, to the point where we won’t see them for months on end because evenings and weekends are devoted to this single, solitary activity. I miss them. If sports offered more of a balance, I think I’d be more open to the idea, but it seems like an extreme time trap. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if the cultural norm (at least in my area) were to devote the amount of time and energy dedicated to sports to family/friends, volunteering, or just slowing down instead.

I second that!

I don’t know how this would go over with your kid’s team, but I ran cross country in high school, and my mom only attended three of my meets over four years. At first I thought it was weird, but now I get it! She had four kids and worked full time. Cross country meets are LONG and (until the end..) boring! Is it possible for you to just pick a few swim meets to attend?

Cosign! I’m a parent of three tweens/teens and wholeheartedly agree. A kid’s involvement with sports is determined by: their interest (and, sadly too often, their ability); their family’s ability to pay and transport; and the community’s availability of programs. So much has to line up. And even when it does line up, there are definite drawbacks.

Are you Asian, by any chance? I agree with this completely. My parents let us dabble in sports and athletics, but it was never taken very seriously because academics always came first. We also never engaged in physical activity (even going for walks or bikes) as a family. My parents would take us to the pool, but they’d never get in the water with us. It’s also something I’d like to change for my own kids, but since I have so little experience with sports, I’m finding it kind of hard to do. I don’t like being physically active, I don’t like sweating. I’d much rather sign them up for lessons and watch from the sidelines haha

I kind of feel this way now! I am so disinterested in sports it kind of makes me not want to have kids lol. Can’t imagine spending an otherwise great Saturday cold at a hockey rink. I just feel very “who cares??” about it all.

Evie, I can’t speak for all parents or all sports (my oldest is in kindergarten, so we’re not really there yet), but I will say, in my own experience, there’s something magical about seeing your kids’ joy. I felt very “who cares” about trucks, but when my oldest was 2 and HE cared about trucks? Guess what, I could name 30 different construction vehicles and tell you my favorite (skid steer).

@evie I was terrified of being a sports mom. Thankfully my wife can’t stand sports, and we decided before having kids that we would not do any team sports. Ballet has suited us well. You can say no as long as your partner is on board with that.

I was not a sportsy kid. I loved reading and crafts, and my dad’s excitement for sports just made me sort of anxious (Dad’s yelling at a game onscreen? Time to exit the room!) I joined cross country in 7th grade, not because I really wanted to run, but because my friends were doing it and we got popsicles after practice. (I ended up running in college because I loved the team aspect so much, but I still wouldn’t say I like running). As an adult, I’m still not ‘sportsy’, but I love getting outside to hike, or to do an activity that’s more community-focused vs. team based, like rock climbing. All this to say! Your daughter will find her way to physical activity that works for her! Being curious about what she values may help you point her towards activities that support those values, whether it’s a solo-style sport or something that lets her chat with pals.

Always disliked sports growing up and still am not a big fan as an adult. Group exercise was agonizing for me as a physically awkward kid and I only have bad memories associated with team sports, PE, and other physical activity out in public. I strongly believe you get a lot of the same social and developmental benefits from band, choir, or theater. You learn to work in a group, push yourself to develop a skill, and learn self discipline. I’m a highly successful adult, have friends, am fairly fit because I make myself workout, but still hate sports!

I skipped a grade, and went through my undergrad, masters, and PhD with scholarships. I’d say I was a reasonably high achieving young adult. I vehemently hated all physical activity in school, then started restricting food and over-exercising in undergrad. Now, as a no-longer-young adult, I finally have a healthy relationship with my body. I run half and full marathons for the joy of training. I’m part of multiple run clubs, and dabble in some other activities as well. My advice? Joy in movement is great, group activities are great, finding your people is great, and none of that requires athletics. Let your daughter find what really lights her up–whether that is reading or painting or researching deep sea creatures; let her find her peers who love that too; and I promise it will bring as much purpose and connection as a sports team brought you.

My daughter had zero interest in sports until 5th grade when she asked to learn tennis. Then it was off to the races and we have so much tennis in our lives. Although my son (now 11) doesn’t have any interest in competing, he tagged along with all the lessons and also fell in love with martial arts. It was lovely that they came to it on their own and each found something that filled that need

Two thoughts: 1. Nine is young. I was quite athletic EVENTUALLY, but definitely not at age nine. Be patient. Don’t push; the goal is to give your daughter to have opportunities to find activities she likes, athletic or not, rather forcing her to do what you want. 2. Instead of grief, can you shift your reaction toward “It’s exciting to see my kid discover who she is”? Also maybe read up on the logical/statistical problem of reverse causality, since “many successful people are sporty” is not the same thing as “you must be sporty to succeed.”

Some kids are just creatives. They read, draw, sing, act. Not every child has to be athletic – I hope you’re joking about “athletics” being essential for development. Kids don’t have to play sports to be fully developed. They can take walks, ride a bike, play enthusiastically running around outside with friends. I want to take your post as humor, but it’s a pet peeve of mine when people say they grieve what their child isn’t. A child is not born to be what YOU want them to be. They are their own person and don’t have to do what you do, or like what you like. Love your child for who they uniquely are.

maybe explain to her that physical activity is essential and she can try one new thing at a time until she finds one she likes enough to stick with. It doesn’t have to be a school sponsored sport. I’m thinking for example, rock climbing. That’s a great one for kids, builds self-esteem and is great for inactive/introverts because it’s very low-key.

meant to say, there are climbing gyms everywhere so it can be indoors all year round and if it sticks she can transition to outdoors on her own.

Here is what is great about sports for development: the 4-year-old on a soccer field sees herself (easily!) on a continuum with the professional player. She is often in a multi-age, multi-ability group. She’s essential to the team. It’s easy to gauge your own improvement – you don’t need someone else to grade you. You’re (often) moving, can see the value in drills and practice, and (usually) in a social setting with shared purpose. These things are sadly missing in most educational settings (even though classes could be much more like this!). So while sports are fantastic at this other things are too: music, drama, some teenage jobs, summer camp. Help her find that thing.

From the perspective of a non-sporty daughter: Please don’t force her to join sports and NEVER let her know your „disappointment“ in her, but work on YOUR feelings, and not on how you want her to be. She is her own person and the most important thing is that she finds something she loves and enjoys, not that she is athletic. Kids know pretty well what they enjoy and if that isn’t sport, don’t force them, please. I was a very clumsy and awkward child, always hated PE (worst hours of the week!). The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if my parents had dragged me to more sports after school… luckily they didn’t. As an adult, I‘m still not doing any organised sports, but do Pilates regularly, walk my dog for 2 hours every day and love moving my body. People are just different. And please please please stop believing that being athletic is a requirement for being successful (or if you can’t stop, at least please never let your daughter know that you believe that).

I also have a house rule that my two boys need to be physically active, but I don’t care what it is as long as they’re moving their bodies. My oldest has been committed to one sport since he could walk, but with my youngest I just pull up the next season’s rec classes and go over the list and let them pick whatever they’re interested in. Doesn’t have to be the same thing as before, just something where they move their body!

Yes!!! If he’s not a sports kid then stop trying to make him into one. Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be. He’s not a “sports kid”. As long as he is engaged in extracurriculars that he likes, he’ll be fine. He may even come around to individual sports like walking, biking, yoga, etc. once the pressure is off to compete.

I think if you force it, he’ll go through life thinking of movement and physical activity as a chore and a dreaded activity. I would let it go and maybe he’ll circle back around out of his own interest in a few years or even in adulthood, and then it will be a personal choice driven be desire/interest, not obligation. I think that’s the best shot at growing him into an adult with a good relationship with movement/exercise.

what other interests does he have? maybe he could go to science camp (for example, if he’s into that), or a weekly game club. there are lots of ways for him to socialize that don’t involve team sports. i wouldn’t push it, i wouldn’t want him to be resentful.

I hear ya–I think organized sports are great. It’s really important to expose our kids to lots of things, including things they think they might not like. At the same time, it’s also equally important to let them foster autonomy and their own identity and if after trying something a few times and repeatedly insisting it’s not for them then I might focus more energy on exploring and understanding what IS for them (even if it’s not an active sporty thing). If the active stuff is a core value of your family, maybe it could become a family activity instead? Like weekend hikes, kayaking?

My parents really really REALLY pushed me to join a team sport and I tried a bunch and honestly it just wasn’t for me. And the harder they pushed the more I resisted, and also the more I internalized the message that playing sports = better than XYZ (basically anything else I was doing). They were so well intentioned but it was difficult for me to feel that pressure and feel like I was letting them down. What I REALLY wish they had done was encourage me more to be active and help me understand more about how exercise and activity could help my mental health, wellbeing, etc. I was so anti-sports that it didn’t even occur to me that being active in other ways could be enjoyable. It wasn’t until after college that I realized how much moving my body helps my mental health, for example!!

Same situation over here Mallory! My kid is “active”, but not as much as he would be if he were in a dedicated sport (loves reading, video games, D&D, Scouts). We’ve dabbled in them over the years (summer soccer leagues, swim lessons, golf, tennis, baseball, karate camps), all to no avail. I don’t want to FORCE him to do it, and by now, all his friends have been playing their respective sport for years, which makes him even more hesitant to try (I long for the days when you could pick up a sport in middle school…). Asking for help/suggestions as well!

Let it go! There are so many other ways to be on a team and to move your body. Ex. I did choir and theater all growing up, and my husband was in bands, including marching band. What IS he interested in?

I would try to find a club with his interests that isnt a sport and bring that sports parent energy and enthusiasm. Lego robotics, mock trial, trivia bowl, chess club, hiking? Any of those appeal? I lettered in trivia and it would’ve been nice if my parents came to watch me the way they watched my brothers play soccer. I’d also try to push more social small group stuff? Maybe every Tuesday you let him bring a friend home from school for family dinner. Maybe once a month you drop him and all siblings (or close age cousins, or chosen family) off at McDonald’s for a meal without the grownups. Maybe you take him with you to visit an elderly neighbor or a nursing home and stick with it. Maybe you get him babysitting (the Red Cross class is a good intro). Maybe you sign him up for an art class or a woodworking or metal shop intensive. I don’t think it’s about sports per se as much as the fact that children, boys in particular, need real life community ties and may not have the skills yet to create those ties. The stories Joanna tells about Toby reaching out to adults to make plans for the two families is such a great example!

I was that kid! The thing that bugged me the most was the boredom of it all and the forced socialization. He may do better at something with a puzzle element – I love bouldering even though I’m terrified of heights – or horseback riding, yoga, martial arts, archery, dance, rowing, or fencing? Anything where it’s fiercely independent but there’s a mental/emotional regulation element. I’m just now getting into running at 35 because now I’m not terrified of where my brain goes when I run/swim and it now feels like the calm I got from riding. My daughter, of course, loves soccer and team sports haha. So it goes.

I was NOT a sports kid – tried a few in my younger years (very minimally), but by high school I was fully no sports. I found my things – theater, marching band, yearbook (yes, I was cool, haha). I really don’t think I got much exercise outside of family hikes. But then I went away to college and fell in love with exercise. Running, the elliptical (the thought of it now brings me shivers), lifting weights, swimming laps! And then some years after college I became a spin instructor and started riding a bike outside, which led to my discovery of triathlon – and I’m now a 2x half-iron woman! Now that I’m 40, I can truly say that exercise is an integral part of my life. I swim, practice yoga, ride on the peloton, strength train (LOVE HIIT workouts), and occasionally still run. And walk! I still hate team sports and competition in general – I love exercise for the mental and physical benefits, but don’t ask me to be on your kickball team, please. All that to say – my advice, don’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do. Encourage him to find his thing, even if it’s not social. Later in life you might find that he does find a form of physical movement that brings him joy, but I can almost guarantee if you force it, he’ll always hate it.

Maybe instead of a team sport, you guys could just focus on making sure he builds a foundation for an active lifestyle? At his age, you could sit down and have a real heart-to-heart where you say something like, “I know team sports aren’t really your thing and I want to respect that. It’s important to your dad and I that we help you build a foundation of an active lifestyle because we know how much that will contribute to your overall health and happiness now and for years to come. We would love to find a compromise that has you moving your body every day without feeling forced into an activity that doesn’t suit you.” You could hear his ideas and come prepared with a list of your own (daily walks, bike rides, a gym membership, home workout equipment, causal backyard frisbee/kickball/foursquare/soccer games with friends). And then find ways to make it fun, easy and enticing for him to follow through.

Being active is important, true. But team sports are not. What kids need, especially in the teenage years, is their “anti-drug”. Lots of times that is through sport teams because it takes up time and provides a like-minded, healthy social group. But you can have the same effect from other things. Music can be an anti-drug, for example. The main thing is finding something that makes the child want to go to bed early on a Friday night, so they can be their best for Saturday morning practice.

Is he into video games? We’ve had some good success with interactive gaming-VR games, Nintendo ring fit, Xbox kinect. The games are surprisingly fun and hot a lot of the boxes that sports check: they’re social, you can set and accomplish goals, you can be competitive, and there are some really difficult workouts when you have to “fight a boss.” It doesn’t get my kid outside or let him experience teamwork, but he finds those outlets in other activities. This is a way he’s learned to love moving his body, and that’s a win for me.

I tried sports as a kid because my parents made me (basketball and soccer) and quit both. I was an avid book reader and story writer. I would rather do that than play on a team. I did try horseback riding after reading The Saddle Club series haha didn’t stick! Let your kid enjoy what they like instead of forcing them into sports.

I have no regrets about not playing sports as a child/teen. I wasn’t good at sports, and I don’t feel like I missed anything by focusing on other activities. I’ve been a dedicated runner, yogi, and fitness enthusiast my whole adult life, though.

I love Stephanie’s response here re: other ways to be physically active, and I echo others that any group activity can be as impactful as team sports. And regarding building an active lifestyle for the future… my story is almost the opposite of Sarah’s: I did all the team sports from the time I was around 8 through high school. I wasn’t a top athlete or in elite leagues, but I was constantly on a sports team and enjoyed it. Softball, volleyball, a few years of basketball, even a season of cheerleading. Then in college I suddenly had no idea how to work out or be active when I was no longer on a sports team that pushed me to do drills or workouts as part of practice. I found the gym super boring. I hated running. I joined some “fun” rec leagues in college and in my 20s but everyone was so much better than me and took it more seriously, and the older I got the less I was willing to catch a fast softball in the shin “for the team.” At 40, I still find exercise boring and have a really hard time forming healthy habits around it. So I actually wish my parents had instilled some other healthy fitness habits beyond just team sports.

Hi Mallory! I would echo so many other parents here and say to let him lead. I was scarred as a child from being forced into team sports that I hated and not allowed to quit, despite getting trampled and crying a LOT. My parents now say that forcing me to complete a full year of soccer when I was clearly suffering was the wrong parenting call and they regret it now. I finally felt like I came home to myself when I auditioned into a show choir and musicals (which were really physical! Try to sing and dance and smile all at once!) and then I discovered yoga in college 20 years ago and have been dedicated ever since. Team sports teach a lot of life skills, but there are other ways to learn those skills. Listen to what he likes, get into what he’s into and keep exploring from a place of curiosity.