Have a Restful Weekend.
What are you up to this weekend? Toby and I have been watching Friends, and we are right at the London wedding episode. I remember watching it in college and shrieking! Hope you have a good one, and here are a few links from around the web…
This summer, should we all dress like Chessy from The Parent Trap?
Plus, a summer vacation mood board.
Also great news: J.Crew is having a huge sale, with up to 40% off sitewide. Love the fit of these jeans.
I can’t stop thinking about what Nicki Sebastian’s therapist told her. Plus, how Nicki’s life changed after cancer, the loveliest wallpaper, and four ways to take amazing photos this summer. (Big Salad)
A Swedish summer cottage. The wallpaper! The windows! The ponies!
What is the best vagina emoji? ;)
50 ways to rest. “Savor the smell of soap when you wash your hands. Chat with a neighbor. Look at the moon. Stand barefoot on grass. Eat leftovers for dinner.”
The new series North of North looks great.
The boys and I are getting more into cooking, and can’t wait to test out this fun cookbook.
Aminatou Sow’s great advice on drinking. “Where to even start? Nobody ever knew when I was a drunk as a teenager and at the time, I really thought I was getting away with the crime of the century.” (gift link)
An easy way to dress up your everyday ponytail.
Plus, two reader comments:
Says Laura on how to be a neighborhood aunt, teenage version: “My mom was never excited about clothes shopping. She said it because she had to spend her formative years in a maroon Catholic school uniform. But one of her friends and colleagues, Nikki, was the coolest, most stylish person teen-me had ever encountered. When Nikki offered to take me back-to-school shopping, my mom was happy to hand over some cash and send us off to the outlet mall. It felt like the most glamorous day, and I still cherish it 25 years later.”
Says Jasmine on two ways to chai: “As a desi kid who has grown up in America, I was thrilled to see today’s topic! Each family tends to have their own signature chai recipe, but the joy is in sharing them with each other. As an adult, I love a good black tea, but on cold or rainy days, there’s nothing like a warm cup of chai to soothe the soul.”
(Photo by PER Images/Stocksy.)
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Comments
106 commentsYes, absolutely.
Speaking as a lesbian – the oyster emoji is my go to. I hesitate to soap box this but so so many articles on drinking. I dont know why we are still reading/writing articles about alcohol in any other way than – STOP DRINKING. IT’S LITERAL POISON. It does NOTHING good for your body. stop drinking.
You nailed it. Just STOP DRINKING already.
oh my god, i put on an outfit the other day and said “this is so chessy”!! what an icon
North of North is a great Canadian show! We’ve been watching it on TV since January!
50 ways to rest sounds … exhauuuuusting. There should be a list called ’50 ways to overcomplicate things and worry abut unsolvable problems’. THAT is a list I could complete!
North of North is so, so good. Fresh as heck and accurate (I grew up in an isolated place in Alaska). Binge-watch it, CoJo crew, so we get a second season.
This!! Everyone please watch – it’s so good and we need like at least six more seasons!
Not me learning her name is Chessy not Jessie
lolol!!
Whoa, Ms. Schemmenti from Abbott Elementary was in Parent Trap! She’s Chessy! I haven’t watched Parent trap since it came out, so this caught me off guard!
North of North IS great. Watch it!
that letter about Chessy’s 90s style is like watching young people discover…. clothes is it a parody?? is anything real? “and then, for her feet, Chessy opts for the only real choice: shoes. you can sometimes find them on Etsy and if they don’t fit, you can give them to your mom.” (that’s my parody)
haha agree! i didn’t get it either, thanks for sharing your perplexity!
This. It boggles the mind
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rRaCL-IEShA Guess what Bernie did this weekend!
I know !! Saw that ! Love him !
I saw him in LA (in his Dodgers hat) this weekend, not Coachella, but love that he was there too! Estimated LA crowd was 36,000, the biggest yet!
Yasss! Thanks for mentioning North of North–charming, beautiful, and a great soundtrack for fellow Millennials :)
hello, I have a question to the powerful and wise cup of jo community… i found out my beloved niece (13 years old) did not make it into her honors choir group and is bummed, especially since all her friends got in :( i’m so sad for her! what is the best thing to say to her during this time?? (we live in different states so I can’t do any in-person things for her) i don’t have any kids so sometimes i get worried that I don’t know how to best show support. do you have any advice/tips? thank you so much..!!
Firstly I think it’s so thoughtful of you to reach out for advice, it shows how important your niece is to you. I would start off by acknowledging her feelings “I know how upset you are that you didn’t make the choir, it sucks, I’d feel the same way too” and then saying something along the lines of sometimes we don’t get what we want because there is something even better waiting for us, you’ll soon see that there was a reason that it happened the way it did. Also letting them vent and just listening to them is what they need. Good Luck, you’ve got this!
Listening to her and giving her a safe space to vent, which video calls are great for! Eventually helping her find out other things she’d love to do, as there will be so many opportunities and being able to deal with disappointment is a massive life skill. You’re in a great place to help her navigate that!
Even if her love language isn’t gifts, a little gift might make your feelings of support to her a little more tangible, along with a video call highlighting what else is great about her besides her voice. I got a present from a random aunty I barely knew when I was a very young tween and it was so great! (And I ended up loving the gift – a boxed set of the Little House on the Prairie books. I was already a big reader and I ended up loving those stories.)
When our son was cut from choir because the Director knew his vocal range would occasionally crack (puberty), he performed at the local senior center and nursing home as a guest with two other young singers. My advice, channel her talent into a welcoming opportunity. She wants to sing-find a way!
!!! I have been in this exact situation! I was 16-17 (it happened to me two years in a row). I thought of myself as pretty talented, but my choir director and I just didn’t really jive. Anyway, the feeling of missing out never stopped hurting–it still hurts a little! However, losing that opportunity DID NOT stop me. I still got leading roles in my high school musicals and went on to sing in my college choir and highly-selective a cappella group. I took voice lessons with one of my college professors to grow even more. It hurts so much to be left out of something like that, especially when you know you’re deserving, but as long as your niece has the fire in her, she will never cease to have wonderful (and selective!) singing experiences. There will always be new opportunities to sing with people you love!
I am a Fixer, I always want to fix my family’s problems instead of just being understanding. The book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” has helped me with this. The gist of this book is to let kids talk and then say, “That is so [fill in the adjective, frustrating, disappointing, heartbreaking].” Then, zip your lip & let the kid talk. It is shockingly simple, but it lets them know you are listening, & stops us from saying things that they just contradict in their own minds. Instead, they vent, and then they become their own fixer. I always think my kids are going to catch on to this formula, and say, “that’s all you ever say!” But no, it works, every time, they just feel heard. It’s when I deviate that there are problems! Good luck!
Do some spy work and find out when the first practice is, when all her friends will be busy. Text a few days ahead and ask her if you can book a video chat for that time! She may be on to you, or she might think it’s a coincidence. Consider not bringing it up at all. She may decide to enjoy time with you, instead of being despondent. Or she may decide to confide in you. So great to give her the chance to take the lead!
oh my goodness, thank you all so much for these wonderful, kind words of advice and wisdom. I so appreciate everything shared and feel so much better about how to best show up!! thank you again!!
Talk about how helpful failure is, how helpful it’s been in your life. It’s something we all need experience with.
Hi Egg. Maybe this anecdote will help. When my daughter was a sophomore, she got cut from volleyball. It was really hard and sad. But she was a kid with many interests and became a theater kid instead. Costumes!! She really loved it. The best part was the exposure to the really fun and diverse and quirky and kind group of theater kids, because most did speech, drama and debate as well. Ever though she was shy, many people (kids, teachers, coaches, parents) encouraged her to try debate. And she was brave and LOVED it. Won state her senior year! Developed the skills she needed to excel in law school. Not to diss v ball, but she didn’t learn anything half as useful for herself there. Really and truly, that whole lemons and lemonade thing actually is legit sometimes. I hope amazing new doors open for your girl!
Another vote for North of North! So hilarious plus the fashion is on point! It’s a couple years old now, but another wholesome CBC show is Sort Of. Three perfect seasons and it’s one of those cozy re-watch shows for me.
I feel very vulnerable as a woman in this economy. In my efforts to recession proof, I have been pulling back on my consumption, unsubscribing from streaming services, yes, but also newsletters and list serves that make me want to buy things. I can’t quit CoJ, and although I approached Friday links with caution today, I was pleased to see that, in very Joanna like fashion, you seem to intuit the moment we are all in. I especially loved Erika’s advocacy of buying used (for me it will be shopping my closet) and 50 ways to rest (which were beautiful, mostly free, and felt like, by fostering contentment, the antidote to consumerism). Does anyone have resources to recommend to help women be scrappy with money? Everything I find is sprinkled with toxic masculinity and assumptions and kind of turns me off. But I am starting to feel like any paycheck could be the last, so I am eager for wisdom to make the most of them. I remember when Joanna shared her cousin’s advice for negotiating a salary or asking for a raise and found it really helpful for that moment!
Check out Tori Dunlap (@herfirst100K on IG + book and podcast called The Financial Feminist).
Make sure your money is going into a high yield savings account (or checking, those exist too). You will get so much more interest made off of your money in there than in a traditional savings or checking account.
I second the recommendation for Her First $100K! I also love reading Alison Green’s Ask A Manager site for so many reasons- advise on how to ask for an negotiate raises, general insight on workplace dynamics, and laughs about some work place stories that would make The Office characters blush.
You’re not alone. I’ve been recession-proofing myself too. One good thing is community resources. Libraries. Seed libraries. Tool libraries. Local buy/sell groups which are cheap and sometimes free. Clothing swaps. Energy exchanges. Among my friend group, it’s understood that what’s mine is yours and vice versa. Only one household needs a stand mixer, circular saw, Settlers of Catan, fondue set etc. etc. We can share and get better cost per use. Like one of my plants? I’ll give you a clipping. Capitalism doesn’t value community because there’s no dollar figure attached but strong community is priceless and always a good investment. We don’t need to be in this shit storm alone.
Tori Dunlap, to second the other commenter, I read her book and am about to dive into her systems, which seem to consist of a lot of mini paid webinars, so we will see how that pans out, but I’m giving it a year. And I have VERY little extra each month. Has anyone else here used her system? I’d love to hear back on any results. Thanks!
The Financial Diet on Youtube! Don’t let the word “diet” turn you off, it doesn’t feel like a very apt title imo. Chelsea does a great job with practical, straightforward personal finance advice within a feminist, class-conscious framework, and has interesting guests too.
Although she doesn’t seem to be posting there anymore, the Frugalwoods blog (especially the Case Studies) could be helpful. I also like Mr. Money Mustache’s blog. The forum is really good and includes a wide range of topics/posters. You don’t need an account to read the forum posts.
This is not a complex magic wand but it’s the adorable, very short, daily reminder we all need. @economikat (Katia Chesnok) is like your mom,with her finger pointed, telling you in her cute accent, “You don’t need to go to Walmart. You don’t need to go to TJMaxx. You don’t need that thing on Amazon. You are just bored. Bored! Go clean your car now. Go.” She’s on insta, x and youtube and she both makes me laugh and keeps me on track.
I highly recommend reading about FIRE Financial Independence Retire Early. I bought in years ago, saved what I could while being frugal/thrifty, cooking at home, eating leftovers, shopping my closet, utilizing libraries,celebrating special events with time and experiences not stuff I bought at a store. So many FIRE resources out there for beginners or those further along the road. Even if not interested in retiring the saving points are valid.
I think a lot of us have forgotten ways to be frugal creatively, and that is why I cherish my copy of the Complete Tightwad Gazette by Amy Dacyzyn. It was originally written in the 1990s so not all the advice still applies, but many tips hold strong and encourage you to think of ways to be creative with things you already have. For me the biggest tip personally was forcing myself to track every penny I spend for at least a month (I use YNAB app, but Amy used good old paper) and that helped me find that I spend way too much on takeout coffee and rwady made frozen meals. Now I being a thermos from homeband make 2x portions to freeze myself. Amy’s recommendation to track grocery spending over the course of several months and find which stores offer loss leaders had also helped me save. We will set aside time once a month to stock up on the loss leaders we buy at the different stores. For extra frugalness, try finding a copy of the book at your library and writing down your favorite tips before returning!
That Swedish cottage made my day!! Thanks!!
It sounds like you and I are on similar cooking journeys… I’d like to recommend the Thermomix. Basically an intelligent robot that cooks for you, and your kids could definitely cook on their own with it! It’s been lifechanging for me, in terms of ease of use and developing confidence in how recipes are put together. Expensive but the cost per use is well worth it for our family!
I rewatched the parent trap with my kids recently and I gotta say, it’s one of the few movies from my childhood that really holds up. I maybe even enjoyed it more now? it feels like media these days is trying so hard to be relatable, but sometimes I want escapism! I want to fantasize about riding horses on my Napa valley vineyard! I want to have/be a super cool stylish mom who pairs a top hat with a wedding dress! I want to meet my long lost twin at sleep away camp and pierce her ears! The premise is insane, but the story is perfect. And yes, as much as I’d love to be Elizabeth James, I’ve got big Chessy energy and am 100% fine with that.
Hahaha “The premise is insane, but the story is perfect” = totally agree! My husband and I rewatched it a few years ago and I was so happy and relieved that it held up as much as it did. It is such a delight, and Chessy is a national treasure!
I’m always amazed at how we limit ourselves
Re “50 ways to rest”: Who is the green man referenced???
Same question! Who is the green man and why should we wait for him?
I could be wrong but I think it’s meant to refer to the green walking figure in the crosswalk traffic light that signals it’s safe to cross. Most people in a hurry take it upon themselves to cross when they see there’s no traffic instead of waiting for the green man.
Is it when waiting to cross the street in a city, and the light shows the “green man” when it’s safe to go?
I believe it’s a UK thing. In the UK the “walk” sign at a pedestrian crosswalk is often a green man.
The green man at pedestrian crossings 😊
The walk sign at a cross walk. I only know because I googled lol ☺️
In some European countries, pedestrian crossing lights are a red man (don’t cross) and a green man (go). In the UK, it’s perfectly legal to cross the road when the red man is showing but much safer and restful to wait for the green man!
Just a guess: could it be the pedestrian “walk” sign on traffic lights? I.e., don’t jaywalk/rush across the road?
In England, you wait for the ‘green man’ light before you cross the road :)
I think they mean at a crosswalk :)
Extraterrestrials.
This is so funny, in Australia we have the green walking person too. Though I think it is actually braking the rules to cross when it is the red guy here. I love the ‘common’ things that are a mystery to other people. A friend told me that in the 90s when she went Ireland she carried around her postcards all day, but couldn’t find the letterbox, she huffed at the hostel owner and he looked at her and said “they’re everywhere… they’re green”. Obviously they would be green in Ireland!
NowI am curious – what do you guys have ?
In the US we have a green man, too. And a red hand when you need to wait. You can get ticketed for jaywalking. I don’t refer to it as the green man, though.
Love the vagina emoji post. What about the taco?!
As one of the newly terminated folks from CDC (got my 5am “reduction in force” email on April 1)- 50 ways to rest sounds like a good list of things to do to reduce stress in the aftermath of a major life stressful event…like losing a livelihood, losing democracy, etc
Sending caring thoughts your way. This is all so terrible.
I’m so sorry, Anon. That level of stress is extreme, but I do hope you find some pockets of peace and hope.
Oh no…I am so so sorry. So deeply sorry. that is awful. Thank you for your crucial and essential work, truly, THANK YOU, so very very much. We likely won’t even realize how much we will all miss you guys until it is probably too late. Keeping you and all the workers turned out, in mind and heart. :( (my family could be in the same boat anyday. it is never far from our minds).
I’d love a story here that follows what someone fired does to recover their lives. Where do you find another job in this economy? Or, let’s find each other jobs! Surely COJ comments is a useful network.
I think we need to consider the possibility that as part of the women that own them, vaginas contain multitudes. A kitty might be entirely appropriate one day, with an oyster the next, cherries the next. A single emoji does not seem particularly sufficient to me. Unless of course they manage to come up with an emoji for the Goddess Kali, in which case I choose that one.
Hahaha! I agree wholeheartedly!
I’d love to hear from middle aged folks navigating dating fatigue. I’ve been dating on and off for 6 years, and had one relationship during that time. Most of the men I see on the apps aren’t the right fit—and when I find one that is, it feels impossible to get to an actual date (i.e. they ghost quickly, we discover our parenting schedules aren’t compatible, etc…) or they’re early on in the divorce process and incredibly ambivalent about dating/mostly looking for flings. I can see how dating could be fun if there were more options, but the process just keeps feeling sad and exhausting. How do I manage chronic disappointment when the world is already chaotic and I’m trying to be a good parent? I don’t want to give up hope.
Take a break from dating. It’s not as important as people make it out to be.
I would say that the ones that ghost or your schedules aren’t compatible also aren’t the right fit. I’ve been dating off and on for ten years and keep the apps on and also don’t pay that much attention anymore. I have a date every few months or so, but as I’ve gotten older it really feels like people are looking for someone to exactly fit like a neat puzzle piece into their lives, and that’s not how it works. And I’m tired of men who aren’t asking questions to get to know me and don’t really make plans. So I have far fewer dates than before, but I’m also more ruthless about my boundaries. I want someone who can make plans and ask questions and if they can’t, then go swim away little fishy. If I meet someone that would be nice, but I like myself more than any man who can’t make plans and doesn’t ask questions. So no advice—it is hard and a lot of people seem to simultaneously be lonely but also want exactly what they want and that’s not really what you find in humans. Solidarity!
Definitely second taking a break and focusing on yourself for a while. Dating is exhausting, and even if you connect with a person, the grass isn’t always greener long term. Take time to read all the books, treat yourself to a movie in the theater, get a massage, go to a meditation or sound bath if you’re into that. Take a book to a nice restaurant and sit at the bar with a glass of wine and a nice meal. There are so many ways to have a great life without seeking a partner at every given moment, especially if the online dating scene has worn you out.
I think saying exactly and specifically what you want without playing games helps. Skip the coyness and say you are looking for a life partner who still loves family life and knows how to do dishes without being told. Period. Or…whatever it is you are looking for. That alone will sort through all the chaff, and doesn’t waste your time or theirs.
Just started North by North! Its so fun!
Emojis- how did a peach 🍑 not get onto that list?
My first thought reading that piece!
I always thought the peach was universal for a human butt ;)
Yes!
Yes, Canadian here and we already watched the full season of North of North. Highly recommend!
Is it possible to buy a print of the 50 ways to rest? I’d love to have that handy as my tween daughter becomes a teen.
I don’t think so — but you could hire an illustrator to hand-write it onto paper? xo
It would make a great poster. I immediately took a screen capture of the Instagram post and stored it on my desktop. I hope that you are able to create a poster of it.
I texted a screenshot of it to 5 friends yesterday (Sunday…fitting And I love the idea of getting it hand-illustrated. Brilliant.
This book is also really wonderful for cooking with kids! https://bookshop.org/p/books/serious-new-cook-recipes-tips-and-techniques-leah-su-quiroga/18337271
I just brought this book home for my 11 year old (from your suggestion), and he immediately made the mixed berry compote that night to go with the waffles he made the next morning LOL – so a big thank you from our family :)
The best vagina emoji is of course the taco! How did this not make the list of 5 in the article ;)
Agreed!
Spot on!
Yes, please to Chessy’s style this summer. It’s how I dress, so it will be the only time I have ever been and probably ever will be in style!
Same!
Joanna, you are just the best! I love your vibe TY for just doing you
oh my gosh, this comment made my day! thank you, jodie xoxoxoxoxo
The Aminatou Sow post is powerful, funny, and insightful all at once. Thank you for highlighting it: in my struggle to survive the mayhem of our attention economy and current political cruelty, I’m limiting my online time, so discovering pieces, posts, and writers like that/like Sow is a real gift. Reading through Cup of Jo on a Friday afternoon post-week of teaching is a welcome ritual.
Went to a Sofar event (where you buy a ticket to a performance with unnamed singers). Odane Whilby blew the room away!
Love the article about Chessy from the parent trap! As a little girl in the 90’s, there were three distinct women I mentally logged in my brain of who I aspired to be, fashion my look after, when I grew up: Chessy, Laura, her look from the Santa Clause 1 movie, specially the soccer game scene, and Sandy,the mom from the movie Man of the House. All those women spoke to my nine year old self, that easy unfussy, not too precious, kind of style, denim button ups, white tshirts, bib overalls…
Ok wow I can call each of these women to mind even though I haven’t seen any of these movies in 20+ years!!
Thank you for the Aminatou Sow article! Such a funny, realist wise take on drinking and knowing yourself I was dying when she said that drinking an esspresso martini after 10 pm was an “own goal” . One of the joys of getting older and paying attention to how I react to alcohol (I still drink but have cut back significantly) is realizing that all those things I loved to do- dancing into the weee hours, sing/shouting songs, are actually all things I. Just love even sober – now a days if the music is good Im downing water (because perimenopause Im hot instantly and at all time) and still just loving it. I’ll karaoke with anyone at anytime – thank you youtube karaoke! For a long time those things were linked with drinking now they might be or they might not and the joy is still there
Vicki, this is such a beautiful description of sobriety (or even just choosing not to drink on any given night). Definitely agree that realizing you can karaoke sober is a confidence boost like nothing else!
thank you for the 50 ways to rest link. just reading the list is already a form of rest.
North of North is so great! Highly recommend.
Agreed Courtenay! I watched the season as it was released on CBC and it was the highlight of my week. So many laugh-out-loud moments. Plus, I’m still dreaming of Siaja’s parkas on the show. So gorgeous.
Yes, agree :)
Yes, I binged it this week! Can’t wait for season 2
100% on all of this. Need to throw my love behind North of North!