12 Women on Living Alone
“If you’d asked me 10 years ago to imagine myself at this age, I would have told you that I’d have a husband, kids, and a house in the suburbs,” says Catie, 40. “Turns out, I’m so happy living by myself. Many people think of living alone as a stepping stone to something better, but I don’t long for anything else.” Catie’s Manhattan apartment (above) features a gallery wall, favorite books, and flowery wallpaper she didn’t have to convince anyone else would look great. Below, Catie and 11 others share what it’s like to live alone…
Katie’s pattern-filled home
On leaning into your personality:
“Getting to relax peacefully at home with no one around to witness me is a balm to my introvert soul.” — Katie, 34, has lived alone for 13 years, rural California
“Living alone is so much fun! PJs and true crime as soon as I get home from work? Spontaneous sleepover with a guy from Hinge? Knowing exactly what’s in the fridge at all times? Yes. Yes. Yes.” — Natalie, 34, has lived alone for four years, Chicago
“After a devastating marriage and an even more devastating divorce, the process of rebuilding myself from the ground up was so daunting. I didn’t know who I was or how I wanted to live in the world. When do I want to go to bed? Do I love incense? What do I want to watch? A free weekend was terrifying. I got nervous just going to Target by myself. So, living in my own space, decorating, cooking, and learning to be alone was wildly important. It’s the most rigorous way I’ve found to understand what I really want.” — Kaitlin, 44, has lived alone for eight years, L.A.
“I love peeling off my clothes on a hot day and walking around the house naked.” — Claire, 25, has lived alone for 1.5 years, Chicago
On inspiration:
Katie’s farmhouse
“I rent a 1870s farmhouse that’s off the grid and two miles from the closest paved road; wild animals come through the yard, day and night. What makes it extra special is that it’s the same home my mom moved into as a young woman before she met my dad, so it feels a bit like continuing a legacy of strong, independent and capable women being ‘raised’ by this house.” — Katie, 34, has lived alone for 13 years, rural California
“I grew up watching ‘The Mary Tyler Moore Show,’ so a woman living on her own has always felt exciting.” — Cheryl, 69, has lived alone for 13 years, Little Compton, Rhode Island
“I think of the Diana Ross song ‘It’s My House’ when I describe solo living.” — Catie, 40, has lived alone for 11 years, Manhattan
On challenges:
“Covering the rent by myself is hard, especially in a big city, so I’m not saving as much as I’d like.” — Catie, 40, has lived alone for 11 years, Manhattan,
“I used to complain that it was tough to cook for one person. These days, I’ve pivoted to saying, ‘I’m good at feeding myself.’ This means making satisfying meals of the most random things that are already in my pantry. There’s no one around to judge!” — Allie, 40, has lived alone for eight years, Mill Valley, California
“I don’t like solo living when I am sick. Being in pain all alone in the middle of the night is the pits.” — Clara, 37, has lived alone for four years, Cornwall, Ontario
Allie and Toby
On staying social:
“Living with a pet feels like having a witness as you go through your life. My dog, Toby, gets me out of the house four times a day, and my favorite thing is hanging out with him on the couch in the evening.” — Allie, 40, has lived alone for eight years, Mill Valley, California
“Living alone actually keeps me very social, since I need to proactively make plans to see people. Once or twice a week I’ll invite friends over for dinner, and at least once a month an out-of-towner will come stay for a weekend. After my last relationship ended, I moved closer to family. Now, my twin sister is right next door and we can wave to each other from our kitchens.” — Clara, 37, has lived alone for four years, Cornwall, Ontario
Clara lives alone…in a house right next to her sister’s
On transitioning from a shared space:
“After getting divorced, I stayed in the house where my ex-husband and I had lived for 12 years, so the transition was bittersweet. To make the house my own, I switched out the art and replaced the bedroom furniture. And I’ve been lucky enough to find a close-knit community of women who make living here wonderful and leaving here unimaginable.” — Cara, 41, has lived alone for two years, Boulder, Colorado
“I’ve lived solo since my husband died in 2008. At first it was hard — the lack of human interaction once I got home from work felt like an enormous, gaping hole in my life. But now I cherish the quiet. I’ve been dating a guy for years, but I don’t want to live with him or anyone else because I love my autonomy.” — Margarita, 57, has lived alone for 16 years, Minneapolis
“The #1 reason I live alone: I will never again come home to find my roommate trimming her boyfriend’s toenails on our living room couch.” — Jan, 45, has lived alone for 23 years, Portland
On design decisions:
Sarah’s living area
“Eight years ago, I bought a fixer-upper apartment. I had to check the ‘single, unmarried’ box many times on paperwork! The renovation was lots of work, but now my apartment is entirely mine, from the paint colors I chose to the antique mirrors I sourced. I designed my home and I design my days — there’s something incredibly powerful about that realization.” — Sarah, 38, has lived alone for eight years, Manhattan
“I just remodeled my bathroom and while I didn’t set out to build a girly pink bathroom, somehow, I ended up with a girly pink bathroom. I absolutely love it.” — Jan, 45, has lived alone for 23 years, Portland
Cheryl at home
On valuable lessons:
“My husband Kenny and I lived together for 30 years, and I’ve lived alone since his death. My home is where we raised our children. But the regular maintenance of a house is never-ending. I liked making those decisions as a team, but I’ve become incredibly confident in managing it on my own. I’ve also found people I trust to do work.” — Cheryl, 69, has lived alone for 13 years, Little Compton, Rhode Island
“Whenever someone asks me, ‘How do you know how to do that?’ I always laugh and say, ‘Who else is going to?’ Recently I had to change out the shower handle, and thanks to the power of Google and trial and error, I did it and felt like a badass.” — Catie, 40, has lived alone for 11 years, Manhattan
“The house I lived in after college was a shoebox-sized cabin in the woods. The first night, a mouse climbed down from the sleeping loft, looked me in the eye, and practically dared me to do something about it. The next day, I stocked up on mouse traps, and I also learned how to sand and refinish floors while living there. 1000/10 would recommend all women live alone at some point in their lives!” — Katie, 34, has lived alone for 13 years, rural California
Do you live alone, or have you in the past? What were the pros/cons?
P.S. 12 readers share their solo travel photos and a vintage lover shares her solo living dream home.
(Photos provided by the interview subjects, except for the portrait of Cheryl, which was taken by Sarah Petrarca.)
Tags: living alone
Comments
156 commentsI am considering building my own house. But since I am alone, do you guys think its’s a good idea? I have thought of getting an apartment but my dream is to have my own beautiful compound and garden with lots of trees and flowers. what should I do?
If you can afford it you should go for it! My friend Kate was single but bought a house upstate and designed it and met all her neighbors and planted a garden and invited friends to visit and LOVED it.
I’m very late to this party. I’m 60 and have lived as a single woman my whole life. I am a single mother by choice and have been proposed to multiple times, but the men I’ve lived with have always wanted to live together, and I need to have my own place. Raising a child, being solely responsible for finances, home repairs and retirement planning are daunting. I have fantastic, long term friends, have had beloved pets (our dog just passed away and I expect to get another at some point), and I would’ve like my son to have a Dad), but it’s all worked out well so far (knock wood). I didn’t want to d kind of marriage my parents (or, many others I knew had) – I like having a boyfriend when they have their own home. I LOVE my son and my friends so much and spend a lot of time with them – that and being in nature make me so happy. My challenge now is find a way to stay close to my friends and son in a very expensive city at the looming end of my career (I love the “compound” living idea!). So many ways to live a life, and I’m grateful to Joanna for giving us this space to share them!
I’m also grateful for this space to read about the myriad ways people live lives, address challenges and joys. I am also a single mother by choice, and I dread the adjustment I’ll need to make when I drop my daughter off at college in two weeks. I’ve given her roots, now I need to let her fly.
I lived alone for almost two years before moving in with my now husband. It was one of the greatest and freest time of my life. It was a cute cozy studio apartment near a park and I cherished the time I have spent in that safe space and neighborhood. I got to do anything and everything I want. Of course, there were certain challenges of fixing things but I discovered I can do more that I give myself credit for. Definitely recommend to live alone once in your life to find yourself and what you are capable of.
Love love love living alone – I have been through 3 marriages and took care of my mother and I can’t tell you how blissful it is to be alone (oh I am a cat lady to 3) but I have a great group of friends I socialize with but love coming home and putting on my lounge clothes and watching my favorite shows. My youngest daughter, after her divorce is living alone, and she tells me that she understands now why I like it because she absolutely agrees with me. There is something very satisfying about being surrounded by your own things, not having to have a conversation if you don’t want one and doing, whatever makes you feel good Without having to ask anyone or be questioned by anyone.
Clara’s garden is magical! (And if you see this, I am also a twin, live alone, and not too far away from you- Brighton, ON! I also have a large front yard garden). Unfortunately my twin lives almost four hours away, so that part is very different :(
Clara’s house and garden made me gasp. I’ve never seen anything so purely aspirational in all my life. I might even print it out and put it on the wall behind my desk.
So so magical! I would love to see more of her home!!!
I’m about to live alone for the very first time in my 38 year old life!! My husband & I (who adore each other) are consciously + amicably + heartbreakingly uncoupling after fifteen years. We’re doing this not as a reflection of our love/respect/value of each other, but rather out of our love/respect/value of ourselves, as we’re on different paths. I’m also moving to a brand new state where I don’t yet know anyone,… I answered a whispered internal call from the universe: go to Milwaukee! I found a rental & immediately thought….”This place can hold me in this next chapter. I feel it.” (I could see it in my mind’s eye! Light streaming through that picture window there, soup simmering on the stove over there.) My girlfriends assure me that living alone will help me uncover my individual identity by granting me space to de-role. I have been in roles since I was six years old when my single mom almost died so I had to become an adult right then/there/ever since to help take care of things. I’m deeply grieving my life with my beloved partner AND I feel that I’m listening to some deep inner knowing that “this is the way it needs to go next”. I feel sad, scared, frozen & also in some, albeit brief, moments…hopeful & curious. Because it feels like there’s a reclaimation at my fingertips as well as in my body. It’s unclear, even to me, what I’m asking help with,… so I welcome any & all that conjures up within you to share with me as you read this. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
You’ve got this! Amicably uncoupling is still uncoupling. But you already have the attitude down, everything else will follow!
This brought tears to my eyes. I am so excited for you!!! Your words are sparkling with authenticity and potential, I wish you a fruitful journey.
Wow reading your words. I have no advice except to reaffirm that you totally know what you’re doing. Your past experiences (and yes, trauma) has prepared you for this very moment with which you will discover and revel in YourSelf. You get to divest and reinvent, how exciting! Wishing you all the best in your next adventure!
I’d be so interested to see how you’re doing. I’m separated and finding it tough because I still love the person but it probably wasn’t right.
I love seeing people thriving living alone, but… it could never be me! I lived alone for a few years in my twenties and had a really, really hard time. As someone with clinical OCD, having others (or, atleast one other person) around has made a big difference in helping me with my exposure therapy and getting out of my shell. That said, sometimes when it comes to decor, it would be lovely to have my own space, because, as you can imagine, I tend to like things a certain way haha
Totally understand that, as someone with clinical OCD as well. If I spend too much time alone my mind gets far too imaginative – I need the reminder of reality in being around other people.
It is abundantly clear that living alone is ranked easiest to hardest in the following: 1) introverted women are happiest alone. 2) introverted men are next “OK”. 3) extroverted women are next “OK” especially as they age. 4) men of all personalities who don’t have much in the way of resources and who need “a nurse and a purse” are always looking for a woman and are not happy living alone. 5) extroverted men are the least happy living alone and are almost always looking. This doesn’t mean marriage is the desired solution to being unhappy alone. This ranking is primarily about companionship. Of course finances and health/aging play a big role in how well a person is actually living as a solo, but overall this is definitely the ranking. I heard it said a few times that an introverted man without any religious inclinations has no need to get married and really shouldn’t if he can make his own money. Financial opportunities & access to higher education have changed everything about society.
I guess that must make me an extroverted man lmao I think there are other factors than just gender and introversion/ extroversion… things like mental health, as well as folks coming from more communal cultures, will also have a harder time living alone, regardless of gender imo
Carotid: Totally can see what you’re saying especially when looking at it from a bell curve perspective. I’ve seen crazy stats on how quickly widowed men remarry compared to widowed women. That last sentence is absolutely true. Financial analysts anticipate one the biggest economic shifts ever to occur over the next decade as women will control of majority of wealth worldwide. Given what’s been going on lately, it can’t happen soon enough for me.
46 and lived alone since my divorce at 29. What’s that 17 years? The things you love and hate about it change over time. Painting a room is so fun, learning to make grape jelly and then being overwhelmed by the sticky mess of the kitchen and not cleaning up for a week was nice. Knowing who made every mess is relaxing. Paying for a roof replacement was crushing. In the end the only downside is really, as mentioned, being sick. On top of being sick you have the added stress of always keeping track of how close you are to that sweet spot of “sick enough to go to the doctor/ER but still well enough to drive yourself there.” It’s a tiny window and if you push it, you’re screwed.
I LOVED living alone. When I met my husband I had been living alone for about 5 years and I will say, those were some of the best years of my life. I don’t say that to take anything away from my relationship because he is absolutely my person and has made my life infinitely better but those years spent with myself taught me so much about my own happiness and how to find it for myself. So he is never responsible for “making” me happy, he just adds to whatever was already there. When he goes away, as he did this past week, I get to indulge in all my “secret single behaviors” which include letting the dogs sleep in bed with me, eating food that he isn’t crazy about, staying up late to watch another episode of something trashy, and not having to answer a SINGLE question for days on end lol.
I love this post. I am NOT living alone for the first time in 12 years. I have grown accustomed to the shared nature of cohabitating (sharing meals, sharing a bed, sharing a closet, sharing frustrations from the day…), but I have to admit that when he’s gone for a trip, I do love sneaking back into my girl dinner (microwave popcorn & string cheese) and Bravo nights.
I’ve lived alone for 18 years and love it. I think it helps that I’m an introvert so it doesn’t feel lonely. Of course when I was in an apartment with less money that was harder. But I also was regularly going out with friends and working in jobs that drained me so the silence was golden. Now I have a garden (and a cat) so that keeps me busy. I have groups of friends I see routinely. But I recognize that I also default to not asking friends to get together and I should do more. It is lovely though to have a home with things you love where you can read a good book and listen to music without anyone but your pet close by.
I am 34 and have to date lived alone for four months of my life, between an ex boyfriend and my now husband. I think so fondly of those times – the apartment I had just being my own, going to bed with my two cats, doing and eating and grocery shopping whatever I wanted. The downside was the rent. My ex and I got the apartment together, so paying it by myself was rough. Worth it though!
Love this story and love the comments more! I’m 54, brutal divorce 4 years ago after 25+ years of marriage. I went from our family place to a two bedroom vintage apartment in Chicago – loved my first solo space. Lived there for a year, then moved out of state for two years to a little bit smaller one bedroom, new construction – lots of bells and whistles but generic – felt like a hotel. Now I’m back in Chicago in a 650 square foot one bedroom that forced me to dump several pieces of furniture that I had dragged from our family home out of state and back and thought I would be sentimental about and turns out I don’t care. I chose my neighborhood carefully-walkable to three of my best friends, a few blocks from the lake, looks out on green space, able to clean it super quick it’s so small, no plants no pets – just me and I love it. Literally cannot put into words the overwhelming feeling of peace opening that door to MY space, quiet, peaceful, all my own stuff, spend my time my own way. Could not be more pleased with my little dwelling. I prioritize spending in person time with my friends – out in the world and together in our homes, but I also love my alone time in my own space.
I love it , best wishes to you !!😚
Clara – you are living my dream! Independent space right next to your twin sister! Not to mention your dreamy garden. Lovely post ladies.
Just here to say that in this season of awfulness, this was a lovely reprieve. And that I think we all deserve a tour of Clara’s magical garden this summer!
I’ve lived alone for most of my adult life, aside from early on when I lived in large houses with several people. So I’ve had both experiences. Both have advantages and disadvantages so I think it depends on what you need in any particular time period. I think it’s important to honor that and just make changes as necessary. At this point, (mid-50’s) I live alone, but with friendly landlords (crucially, not too friendly though), who live downstairs. But I’ve noticed that whenever someone comes over, (my personal organizer, most recently, lol) I feel their absence really strongly as a longing for companionship, so…yeah. I need to come to terms with the fact that I am apparently, officially lonely. I am so accustomed to being alone that I guess I’ve neglected that social part of me. I am moving soon and maybe it’s time to risk getting a roomate? On the other hand, that is terrifying because living with someone is really not what I want, when I stop and think about it. I think I what I want is a friend/s who comes over often, like, a couple times a week at most. How the heck to arrange that?! Time for manifestation!
this might not be helpful, but in my early 20s I was dating a guy who ended up living as a roommate with a woman in her mid-50s. They both learned so much from each other, and stayed in touch for years with frequent visits even after they no longer lived together. I would come over and marvel at what a chill, fun roommate situation they had. I hope you find whatever works for you, whether it’s a roommate, or a frequent friend.
On this topic, there is a wonderful book about living alone, and life without romantic love, by UK-based poet and writer Amy Key. It’s called Arrangements in Blue and structured around Joni Mitchell’s album Blue. It’s a fantastic, thoughtful, raw read regardless of whether you live alone or not. Highly recommend.
I’m a woman in her 30’s who cherishes living alone and that album is one of my all time favorites so I’m definitely going to check it! <3 This might be one of my favorite posts in a long time, thank you CoJ team!
seeing that picture of Clara’s garden brought me a lot of joy during a difficult week. Thank you for this lovely glimmer!
Me toooo
I lived alone for a year and was so lonely I fell into a depression. 😵💫🤣
Same! Maybe it’s something I would appreciate more when I’m a bit older, but up until now, living alone has been a struggle
I’m 65 and I’ve never lived alone. I had my first child at 19, so even when I divorced I lived with children. I’ve been married to my second husband for 31 years and we’re empty nesters – at least for now. My dearest friend has lived alone for many years now. I love her life for her – and I love my life for me. My husband and I respect each other’s space and needs for quiet, being out in the community, and other people. I’m hopeful I can make full life if I”m ever required to live on my own. It’s wonderful to read about women doing that.
My neurospicy 22-year-old daughter, who lived at home all through college and her first year as a preschool teacher, got herself a tiny studio apartment this week. A sweet little ADU behind a house that is rented by another preschool teacher and her partner, and owned by a local family. This is a BIG STEP for her, and I’m excited for her new adventure while also freaking out a little… so my mama heart appreciated the perfect timing of this article! As always, COJ comes through in the clutch! *DEEP EXHALE*
I wonder how she can afford to rent even a tiny house on a preschool salary…ADU’s in the Seattle area are easily $1500/mo and I’m guessing a preschool teacher makes close to minimum wage. I ask as I leave my financially supportive career as a state subcontractor (working 55 hours a month gives me ‘just’ enough, but no benefits etc..) for a move to a new state where I the same work pays about half of what I make now, even though cost of living is the same. I’m super stressed about it!
Jana, I hear you! My daughter is a part-time nanny and babysitter in addition to her teaching job. And we are able to help her with her rent a little since she had no college living expenses.
I lived alone as a single Mom. Wanna talk struggles? But there was a time when the tables turned and I lived with my Son & daughter in law for several years. Well, health issues forced me into assisted living for awhile, and now I live on my own again. I like this better.
Katie’s green bedroom is so dreamy! I also vote for a photo of Jan’s pink bathroom. (And home tours for all.) I’ve had just under a blissful year of living alone in my Brooklyn apartment with my cat and relish all the whimsical details no one else is here to veto, including lace curtains and pink vases. I’m also reminded of Pamela Anderson decorating with white wicker furniture because all the men she had been before with hated wicker.
Yes, I would LOVE home tours of all! or atleast several more photos they feel comfortable sharing
What a great idea for a CoJ series!! Home tours of women who live alone! Would be very here for this.
I am down to show my condo after living alone for 5 years after a 30 year marriage and horrible divorce. I know my friends mean well when they say they are jealous, because it is such a sanctuary. I raised 5 kids, am dating now AND WILL NEVER LIVE WITH ANOTHER MAN. (That was me shouting) I have bird and flower wallpaper on my bedroom ceiling and all the closet space I need.
I have always lived alone except a couple short-term terrible roommates in college. I’m 40, and it has its frustrations to be sure–I just moved and I need help that’s hard to come by sometimes–but I also love being able to have space that is mine to build and enjoy, a schedule that is mine to set (except that the cats have opinions about breakfast), and no concerns if I need to walk naked to the kitchen. I might not always live alone– the world is full of unexpected possibility–but it has kind of never occurred to me not to.
I lived alone in the cutest studio apartment in my late 20s and I loved it! It was where i learned the most about myself. Now I’ve lived with my husband for years and while it’s amazing, I’m never sad when he works out of town either. People act like it’s crazy that he’ll go away for a few weeks or occasionally months at a time but it works for me! We miss each other, I get to do the weird stuff you really only do when you’re alone, and cook my favorite foods, watch my shows. It’s great.
Great article! This came up on my google pocket feed, so I gave it a read. I am man, but I also identified with a lot of what was said here. As an introvert, I love living alone. I haven’t had a serious romantic relationship in well over a decade, and I do not miss it. I’ve had friends and family members worry that I’m “lonely.” NOPE! I work in retail, and so I’m with people for the vast majority of my day almost everyday. I LOVE being left alone once I get home from work and on my weekends. Like some of the other people here, I’ve also had abusive partners. I’ve faced my share of abuse and romantic betrayal from women. I definitely don’t miss that! I absolutely love my freedom, love my peace and quiet, love not being beholden to the whims or emotions of another person. No, I’ll probably never have kids of my own, but in this increasingly overpopulated world, I think it would be great if fewer people had children. Anyway, that’s my take on it. Thanks for the article!
I’ve never lived alone, aside from the times my husband has worked away from home. When that happens, I find that I do enjoy it and I seem to get more done around the house. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t necessarily hate to clean…I hate being watched while I clean. I’m sure that is not a unique feeling.
Yes, Kim!! I love my partner, but DANG do I get a lot done when he’s visiting his family. And I feel…better about doing it?? Maybe it’s a feeling of being free from old fashioned notions of uneven division of household labor, even though he’ll still benefit when he returns?
I can relate! When my husband is gone for work I get so much more done. For me, I get to drop the expectation that he will 1) have seen what needed to be done and already have completed it, or 2) see me doing things and then excitedly jump in. He’s allowed to sit on the couch while I’m doing other things! But a part of me still has unmet expectations that disappear when he’s traveling.
“I’ve come to the realization that I don’t necessarily hate to clean…I hate being watched while I clean.” Kim, I relate to this so hard!
Suggest you each clean half and meet in the middle! If someone has time to watch, they have time to clean! 😅
When the call for readers for this feature popped up on Instagram, I thought “that’s me!” and then realized in about 30 seconds that it’s not me, anymore. I bought my own house (as a 24 year old INFANT!) and have been slowly renovating it over the last 4 years. I swore I wouldn’t live with anyone again until I was marrying them. (Too many roommates moving away and throwing my own life into chaos!) But for the last year or so, I’ve hosted 2 of my brothers. I liked living alone and making my own decisions a lot, but they are funny and sweet and good roommates. I laugh so much—this week they did an impromptu chocolate milk taste test! I didn’t anticipate this being my life *at all* but it’s really great! I will probably live alone again and will relish the way you can sprawl in your own space, but I might miss this unexpected sliver of time, too.
I need to see home tours of all of these, immediately.
Can we see a Cheryl house tour!? Her smile is inviting!
I’d love a week of outfits or beauty routine! She’s stunning.
Yes to this! Cheryl’s home looks dreamy.
I’m sure there has been a week of outfits, I recognised her instantly! https://cupofjo.com/2021/06/29/cheryl-sparks-style/
It’s lovely to see so many women declaring their love for living alone–it’s a nice reminder that we’re all so different. As my momma says, “Wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same?” As for me, I live alone and…I don’t love it? It’s not about fear. I am perfectly capable of home repair and paying my bills and whatever else comes up. It’s just deeply lonely. My friends have busy lives and my evenings are long and frankly there is only so much book-reading, TV-watching, gym-going, hobby-making, and podcast-listening I can do. I often feel like I’m just filling time. I would very much like to have a partner and a family and it just didn’t work out that way for me. So yeah, it’s nice to have a pink comforter and eat whatever I want for dinner, but I was actually much happier when I was in a relationship and had less of all of those things and more daily love and laughter. I guess I want other women to know that you don’t have to love living alone and yearning for a family life doesn’t make you any less empowered or feminist.
THIS. This resonates a lot with me. I lived alone for 15 years in my 20s and 30s and while I enjoyed it, I also longed for a partner and family. I am extremely grateful that in my early 40s I now have those things, even though at times I miss the freedom and control I had in my previous life. Like Becky, I felt confused by my desire for a partner and children – I was an independent, strong woman! Wasn’t I supposed to be happy with my life exactly the way it was?! A wise therapist once pointed out that I was raised in a happy family with role model parents, so it made perfect sense that I longed for that in my adult life. It doesn’t make us less of feminists to yearn for a family. Becky, just one comment – you say it “didn’t work out for you”. I don’t know how old you are and maybe children aren’t in the cards for you at this stage in life, but don’t rule out finding a partner! You are never too old to fall in love. It takes work and putting yourself out there, but if it’s something you want there is nothing wrong in going after it and NOT being OK with your life just the way it is. I hope you find everything you are looking for!
Becky, I totally get this! I lived alone for 6 years before I got married and just as you said, there is only so much me time I could handle before it got lonely! To echo what Sarah said – don’t count yourself out for finding a partner! I met my husband online and I was one of those people who did it on and off for a long time (years!) before finding someone I really fell for.
Yes, this. Thank you!
Becky, thank you for writing this. I bet it’s different to live alone when it resonates with the fact that it hasn’t happen to have a long-lasting partner and kids (my case too). I love living alone for many things : being “with”myself can be very therapeutic, doing an impromptu yoga at any time and … yes farting without having to care for others. But I globally don’t thrive in it. I had much more energy to take care of my place with roommates than for only myself, I can’t have pets because of allergies and I have many evenings where I would be happy to meet up with someone but don’t have the energy to set it up.
I hear you Becky! I have searched high and low for guidance on what to do with all the time I have on my hands. You mostly hear “women are busy 1000% of the time because they are mothers”. I totally get that that is a very common experience but as a young-ish woman without a family it is easy to feel invisible and unmoored.
Thank you for taking my deep and personal thoughts and beautifully shaping them into writing in a way I could never have done myself. I’ve always defined myself as independent and strong, but lately, carrying that weight alone has felt heavy. I’m afraid that my chance to have a family one day is slipping through my fingers, and that thought fills me with sadness. Wishing you all the happiness life has to offer.
It’s more about how living with a partner (and any ensuing children) ***can erode your empowerment*** IF you don’t choose the right partner and the sheer effort it will take to un-entangle yourself from that kind of mistake. It’s a HUGE risk, even in 2025.
It is a difficult balance. I love living alone ( I do have a cat and I do think it helps), but I need to make sure I’m also getting enough social time. I had a friend over for dinner last night and I feel really good today. I’m generally always a happy person, but I’ve been battling with some depression ( I know some is hormones, menopause I’ve had before for short periods). I realized over the past couple of weeks, I’ve spent too much time alone. It’s all about balance for me I guess.
It’s so affirming so read all of your responses. Thank you for all of the kind words. I didn’t want to suggest that *any* relationship is better than being alone. That’s certainly not true! I have been in a miserable marriage and I never felt more relief than when I finally moved out. The loneliness and the financial setback were well worth it. Still, I seem to have the good fortune to be surrounded by people (friends, siblings, parents) who have happy partnerships and families, and I can see what a rare and profound blessing that is. Once your basic needs are met, the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. I experienced that kind of happiness for a few years, when I met and fell desperately in love with someone after my divorce. When our relationship crumbled during the pandemic, I was heartbroken beyond measure. The dating scene is getting harder and harder as I get older. I find that men my age are looking for someone 10 years younger. Or at least someone who looks 10 years younger. (I look like I’m approaching 40, because I am.) So most of the men in my age range either have kids and don’t want any more, or don’t want kids at all. Or if they do want kids, they want someone who is younger and has more time to have them. Once I add in my own filters on top of that (is he kind, does he make me laugh, does he have his shit generally together), the pool gets very shallow indeed. So when I say, “it didn’t work out that way for me,” I know it’s more technically correct to say “it hasn’t worked out for me yet,” but it’s feeling less and less likely. I really don’t know why I am telling all of this to strangers on the internet, but I suppose it’s because y’all make me feel seen and I appreciate you. I hope all of you have the best and most wonderful and unexpected things go your way.
Exactly. I’m alone again for the first time in 34 years and the loneliness bites hard. There are very few places I want to go alone, not being able to share each marvel, getting side eye from everyone while eating out alone, getting caught with a dead battery in the parking lot in the rain…it is, quite frankly, boring and uninspiring. An ENTJ’s experience.
After I moved out of a place I shared for a year with an abusive partner, I found an apartment that had a wood burning fireplace in the living room. Fully embracing my solitude and the freedom that comes with that, I made the living room my bedroom so I could fall asleep to a crackling fire every night. If that’s not heaven, I don’t know what is..
Yup, that is completely, 100% heaven.
I lived alone for almost 10 years through my 20s and 30s and loved it so much. Having a dog made the lonely moments almost evaporate but over the last few years it began to weigh on me how much of my income was going to rent (especially because I moved back to the city I grew up in during the pandemic – very expensive $). Last year a friend of a friend approached me and asked if I wanted to move in with her. In some ways it felt like it was going to be taking a step back (a 35 year old with a roommate who’s not a partner?!) but I decided to suck it up and make the move. And let me tell you!! Living with a friend in your mid-thirties is a totally different ball game. We keep our home clean and are constantly beating one another to taking out the trash. It’s maybe better than sharing a home with a partner in lots of ways?! My roommate is likely moving to Whitehorse to be with the man she’s fallen in love with and I’m in a new relationship so this living situation feels like it will expire soon but this post reminds me to enjoy all the good moments (alone or together) because it’s all temporary!
That brings me so much joy! I feel that we often tend to think in the ways society has laid out for us (married with kids & living together, partners living together, living alone) but rarely ever dare to venture beyond. There are so many ways to live and so many living situations to try and choose from if we only open our minds to it! Yours is such a great example for that :D I also live on my own in my little flat that I adore. I am 35 and haven’t ever been in a serious relationship because I have never really felt any longing for it. Only lately I’ve found myself thinking about having a partner because of the feeling of support, belonging and trust that every now and then I tend to miss a little bit. However, I don’t want to live together. Since I don’t want kids, there is no time pressure which feels good. I loved reading all your different approaches to life! It’s inspiring and reminds me how colourful this world really is. Cheesy but true! :D
I appreciate this post so much! I’m living on my own for the first time in my life after separating from my husband 4 months ago. I struggle with it and love it at the same time. I’ve learned that I can handle it in small doses (a day or evening alone is fine but not an entire day) now, hopefully I can be at peace with longer stretches soon. I’m dating someone and since we both have our kids every other weekend, we have no plans to live together anytime soon- which I think is good, it’s helping us go slow and prioritizing our kids. But I struggle with loneliness and wanting to see him more, and whether despite those difficult feelings it will be worth it in the end – he is wonderful and supportive. I think I need to work on my ability to be alone and not try to force more togetherness! But it’s hard- I lived with my partner (my ex) for 20 years and it’s weird to be in such a different kind of relationship.
This really resonates with me, not the situation, but the sentiment–being with somebody supportive and sweet, but struggling with longing for more time together. I’m finding it quite difficult to figure out if there is a real incompatibility in terms of how much togetherness we want or if I am just very bad at being alone. Sending you much love and patience.
This is a similar situation to me. I lived with my ex for 20 plus years and now finding it hard being by myself. Also in a new relationship but he lives abroad. How are you getting on?
I honestly wish that my partner and I could live in separate houses next door to each other. I love him but the never ending tiny negotiations and resentments that come with cohabitation are so exhausting. I just want to take out my trash in peace and not think about who should have done it and why it’s always me.
That’s honestly the only way I would consider living “with” a romantic partner again. A duplex is about as close as I care to get anymore and I think must offer the best of both worlds!
God I relate to this so much. If I’m not doing the domestic chores I’m thinking about them and why he didn’t do them, and negotiating a plan to do them in the future. Sigh
For me, that type of relationship is a hard no. They are simply not mature enough to be in a partnership, no matter how much you love them. You’ve got to love your self and your needs too. Get out before children come and make it impossible. They will never learn otherwise. On the other hand – if you are really committed to them. make them hire regular maid service. There’s no reason you should be this unhappy about childish irresponsibility.
This is me! I was married and thought I would again, but they would have to have their own place. My bestie and I talk about this all the time! Lol
Same. Lived alone for 16 years and I’m a maxamalist but have dated a few minamalists. I knew if it was going to work I’d need to keep my own space. Now my partner has his own house on the other side of town and we love it how it’s working. People ask if we’ll get married or move in and we cringe. Selling or renting one of the houses seems like such a chore and right now we have space for all of our stuff, in two places. It’s perfect. Why change.
I lived alone for many years, had roommates twice which didn’t end well, and married my husband in my early 40s. He knows I need my alone time! Also, we are fortunate and blessed to live in a large house which gives us lots of space.
I’m struck by all the beauty and intentionality these women have created in their spaces! Women make our communities so beautiful! I’m 35 and have lived alone for 8 years. I love having my home exactly how I want it every day. Any bouts of loneliness are rare since getting a dog during the pandemic. I dream of being married with children someday soon, but right now I am so grateful to have my girlfriends down the street and my evenings can look however I want them to.
I went from living at home as a daughter to being a wife. My husband came home from Vietnam in January, 1972 … our son was born October 6 that year and died October 8 of sympathicoblastoma. Mike and I spent 53 years together before he died from the effects of Agent Orange. I believe a big part of the reason I married him was to get away from my mother (she had early onset Alzheimer’s and we all suffered through the effects of that ). After losing our son, and moving far away from my parents I realized both of us were different people living alone together. Mike’s last ten years were extremely hard on him (he was diagnosed with prostate cancer; received a triple bypass, and spent many years in end stage kidney failure) so when the VA asked him if he wanted extraordinary measures to be taken if he stopped breathing he said no. He died 2 years ago this month. I was quite surprised to discover how satisfying it is to live alone (I have a mini-shnauzer named Musket Rafael of Hamiltonia, and an Old English Sheepdog named Chaco Wolfess of the Beltane). I have a regular routine (necessary when one has house beasties) that I actually love, so my current life is much more satisfying than all those years before. I spend time with friends, but nothing compares with the time I spend alone. At this stage all I want is to stay healthy as long as possible so that I can continue to enjoy each day as it comes (I will be 72 this coming June 1st).
Wow, Ann. It’s your turn and it seems like you know exactly what to do.
❤️❤️❤️❤️
What a nice place to be in life! BEST wishes for a long and happy life : ).
Thank you for your story, and thank you for telling us about your son. If you feel comfortable sharing I would love to know his name, and be another person who remembers that he lived.
As a twin, Clara’s set up is my literal dream!!!! OMG so jealous!!
I sent a screenshot to my twin and said the exact same thing!!!! And that we have to make this happen asap lol
Not a twin, but also sent to my sister!
My mom (70) says one of her only regrets is not ever living alone. She is happily married to my dad, and they met in high school. She loved visiting my 2 sisters and I when we got our own places after college, always told us how awesome it was we were living alone for a bit! Now that we are all married I really appreciate her pointing that out to us.
Lived alone for 26 years and moved to CA, NC and TX during that time. Loved the independence of knowing exactly what my money was being spent on (and saved for), trying new recipes, not having to account for my whereabouts or explain myself, choosing everything, traveling where and how I wanted. Did not love that it was more expensive, and that many people acted like there was something ‘wrong’ with me and that my life was temporary until I married. Loneliness was present at times but not overwhelming. Married now; got married age 52 – and while I love him, I miss being single (a lot).
So inspired by your story.
My partner and I were separated for 4 months and then living separately for another 4 months while reconnecting. I was alone in our home the first half, then alone in an apartment. We just moved back in together. It’s strange because I love and dislike living alone, just as I love and dislike living with my partner (or anyone). We’re both doing a lot of intense therapy work, and thinking about what I want and need in my living space, while sharing it with someone, is at the center of my work. Because I tend to feel “safe” when alone; like in the bad way, as in I don’t have to reveal myself to anyone else. My partner is safe, but I still hold so much back. It’s mostly in my own head. So anyway. I loved living alone, I’m learning to love living with my partner again. Keeping track of what I like and want and feel confident doing regardless of my living conditions is my long-term goal.
I have lived alone for a long time and I have really come to just revel in it. I have an art studio in the basement, I go to sleep and wake up when I want, I eat when I want, exercise when I want and so on. I have lots of long distance friends (I live in Canada, most friends are in US) and I’m online with people for work and for art almost every day, so I never feel lonely, especially since I have two amazing cats. I have been in a long distance relationship for over a decade and it’s fine, actually. We have virtual date nights and talk twice a day minimum and see each other a few times a year. Somehow it works. The only challenge is when health issues come up. I’m having minor surgery next week and it’s a bit of a pain to manage, but the Sweetheart is coming up to cover.
I have been living alone and working from home since 2020. I have a great flexible schedule that suits me because I have some chronic pain issues and am still recovering from a colon rupture back in 2022. This is where living alone is not so great- needing help with simple things and with rides to the hospital- P.T. etc. has been a bit of a challenge. The cost of living has increased so much in the past few years that living alone is a luxury I may not be able to afford- I find myself working six days a week to afford my large studio apartment.
I sympathize with and relate to your comments about medical things and the challenges in that – 2 years ago I broke my ankle (2 plates, 9 screws) and during the recovery my husband asked me to find myself rides to the doctor & PT from other sources, as he was working. It was a challenge – but I discovered other women acquaintances/friends, married or single, were happy to help. My learning from this was – ask if I need help and help others who ask; women can always be a great resource for each other.
Came to say that I really appreciate this content. It brings a bit of balance I think, and resonated with me. And miss the old financial advice bit that happened awhile back. Based on the comments, a lot of folks are thinking about financial security.
I would LOVE to see a post featuring women who have had to rebuild their financial lives for whatever reason — returning to the workforce, divorce, illness. We can end up in a precarious place for many different reasons and it’s really hard to find good advice for pivoting, esp in midlife and beyond.
Living alone can be great or terrible, I think. I lived alone for a semester in college (2007), and I was so lonely and sad. My apartment was tiny and cold, with no direct sunlight, and I had come from sunny California to the dreary PNW – I was just miserable! Fast forward to 2021 and I finally moved into a place of my own after years of bad roommates… HEAVEN! I’ve always hated the weird negotiations with other people about space, noise, friends over, what’s on tv, etc. Now I can do whatever I want whenever I want, and the only person to complain about it is myself! If I get lonely, I can call up a friend or go hang out with my folks or pick up a volunteer shift. Living alone is not for everyone, but it sure is right for me!
During the first summer of the pandemic, my wife took our daughter to spend the summer at her parent’s farm. I couldn’t work remotely full-time, so I had to stay home. I pretended to be sad, but I was thrilled. I always say that the worst part of being married is that there is always someone there. I would go to the Farmer’s Market in my mask, buy whatever looked good, and make a whole menu for myself for the week. I once baked a peach pie and ate it for all three meals one day. I got back into running for the first time since college. I fixed the shower head. I even got COVID and had to take care of myself for the first time in years. Being sick alone miserable in the moment, but in the end it felt so empowering to know that I had been able to do it on my own. I was thrilled to have them back, but I’ve casually suggested that they make that trip a tradition. Feeling like a single girl again was delicious.
Love this story — including the part shopping for yourself at the farmer’s market! As I do when my partner is travelling.
home tours for all of these inspiring women, please!!!
Friend, I live in a 1 bdtm apartment, it’s a nice one. HUD assisted bc it’s all I can afford. Would live a small house if I could afford to. But as my own Mom once said; “Even a cubby hole can be home!” I’d go for a virtual tour of some the homes I see in these comments, I can still dream after all! Either way, I enjoy my freedom. It’s about peace of mind for me.
I’ve lived alone for 3 years now and it’s my favorite thing (I’m 27). I don’t know what the future will bring, I don’t know if I’ll ever get married of have kids – but I know that whatever happens, I’ve got myself. I’m so grateful I get to do this.
Always have lived alone and love it. I have friends, have had boyfriends over the years, but have always been on my own (except always with cats!). My own sister once called me “a bitter old maid,” but I replied that I’d rather be happy & alone than in an unhappy relationship. She hung up on me–later found out she was in the midst of a divorce! 😄
I think I read somewhere that it’s something like %20 more expensive to live alone, and add more to that if you’re a woman because you generally earn less and pay more for things like haircuts and new clothes. I don’t know if it’s worth it but, aside from occasional bouts of absolutely crushing lonliness, I am SO thankful to live alone, probably 85% of the time. I adore animals but choose not to have pets because I do not want the daily obligation. Maybe one day. The freedom and deliciousness of having only my self to care for, allows me to choose who to shower with my energy with, and I know I am more generous because of that freedom. The lonely bouts are hard. But I use them for self-growth and now I understand my self so much more. I am still working towards a place of harmony with it all but I enjoy that effort, even the hard parts. I wish I knew how to write a book about it.
I lived alone for a few years in grad school and a couple of years after that. There was a lot I loved about living alone (especially in the post-grad apartment which was soooo cute and sunny, and I could afford to furnish it). Sometimes I mentally escape to my memories of waking up there and having the morning to myself. I’m so glad I had the chance to do it. But I was often lonely and also frustrated at some of the relative costs (WiFi costs what it costs, no matter how many people you’re splitting it with). Plus, I just always hoped I’d get married one day. Eventually I did, and (fourish years later) I still prefer living with my husband to living alone. He’s just a great guy to live with! There hasn’t been a day since I moved in that I haven’t looked forward to coming home and just being home together. The biggest downside (besides how messy the toddler roommates we created are) is that with the loss of independence, I’ve lost a lot of confidence. It’s weird. On my own in my cheap little apartment, I’d just give a fix or decorative change a shot. But in our big, lovely, mutual home, I’m so nervous about messing something up and not having the skills/time/bandwidth to make it right. I’m working on it.
I feel you, Sam, on the losing confidence when with a partner. Defeating codependency (my ailing, not necessarily saying it’s yours) is a daily and ongoing task for me.
The costs are so different for mistakes when we have toddlers. Our cognition and emotional regulation are impaired by sleep deprivation most of the time, and if one thing falls out of order it can have a snowball effect so fast. It’s prudent to reduce risks and variables that could lead to increased burden, even if it’s a short term inconvenience. Life is a high wire act with small children. When you have some margin again, you’ll probably need to spend it on yourself for a while. And then, perhaps the joys of meeting a new home challenge from a place of curiosity and grit will have some allure again, because you’ll have the capacity to take a hit without getting knocked flat if the fix doesn’t go as projected.
I think it’s so important for everyone to live alone at some point! I lived alone (plus cat) for 4 years after college and my husband has never lived alone. But I also recognize that it can be infeasible financially and many people go from parents to roommate to partner.
9 months ago, my 26 year marriage ended, completely out of nowhere. I have been blindsided and am experiencing the deepest grief. I entered into the relationship when I was only 20, so I really don’t know what it means to be an adult without him by my side. I am still in the thick of it. The pain is so deep, and feels like it will never fade enough to make space for happiness again… Thank you for this post. I needed to read about women who have found their way and are enjoying being independent. I hope that one day, I can too.
Kerry, I believe you will!
Cheering for you, Kerry!
Kerry, I hope something wonderful happens to you today!
Kerry, your story could be my story. I know what you’re going through–I know that blindsidedness and that grief. I know that part where you are having to figure out who you are on your own. (Related aside: I really dreaded going to all the places–cafés, stores, grocers–where the staff knew us as a couple and having to reestablish all these relationships as “just me now”.) And that pain that feels like a permanent attribute–please believe me when I say that I *know* that this does indeed fade. Not only that, but your life–once the dust settles, once you process what’s happened, once you grow into the you that you’re on the way to becoming–your life will so much better than you can imagine right now. Sending you so much support for the journey you’re on.
It gets better. You meet this wonderful person called Kerry, a hidden side of you that you never knew existed. As you explore, and rediscover yourself, the hurt heals. New friendships form and new memories replace the old. Then one day you realize that you can’t remember when the last time you thought about him. The healing will have already taken place. So it’s okay to grieve.
Hi Kerry, I went through a divorce 7 years ago, and the first year was really hard. Lots of challenging emotions — rage, grief, loneliness, etc. My recovery felt *so* slow sometimes, but each year has gotten better from there. I hope you can give yourself permission to do fun and kind things for yourself, on your own, just because you deserve it. Rooting for you. :)
It helps me to think of problems like this as a problem you are solving for women everywhere in that situation. Can you complete the mission. You can, because you are excellent and also because you have been selected to do the job. Thank you for your service : )
Oh Kerry – I have been where you are – four years ago my spouse up and left our 25 year marriage to be with his younger affair partner. I had met him when I was 21, married him when I was 25. He left 6 months after our 25th anniversary. Blindsided too. It’s been four years. I’m not going to tell you it was easy – it wasn’t. The first year was awful there is no way around it. Get a therapist. Cry as much as you need to. You will never be the person you were again, that’s just the truth of it, but if you can– just believe for a micro- second, someplace deep inside believe that a path forward will unfold and something new will reveal itself even if you don’t know what that is and cannot even imagine wanting a different kind of life than you had planned for yourself. For me there was a strange kind of freedom in thinking well screw it – the absolute worst thing in the universe has happened, my family blew up, and the world is still spinning and I’m still standing, so what the heck else do I have to lose?? I may as well take some chances and try some new things right?? I mean, really, what else could go wrong at this point? I went back to school, moved out of state for a bit, came back – honestly, what else bad could possibly happen that would be worse at that point?
I lived alone for the first time starting during the beginnings of covid and have done so for the past five years until this past month, when I moved in with my husband. Truly wish everyone would have the means to experience living alone for a period of time, it is worthwhile to learn to be alone but not feel lonely. Plus, I found that although I’ve always had a pretty distinct sense of home decor style, I was able to refine it during my solo living experience. It’s to the point when people came over they would be in awe of the space I designed, everyone always said it “felt like me!” The hardest part of moving out has been getting rid of my light pink velvet couch! I’m so sad about that since it was my first ‘adult’ furniture purchases and it became a statement piece in my home, but it doesn’t really fit in our new place. One of the things I’m learning now is how to live and design a space with someone else- we all have very set ways of how we imagine a home layout! But that is the beauty of living with someone else, figuring out how you two coexist and your home decor styles mesh together- mine is very English cottage chic and my husbands more of a japscandi minimalist and somehow the two are working well together so far.
I lived alone in two different studio apartments in two different cities just after college. I loved the freedom but hated that my pillow smelled like the fish I cooked for dinner lol. I would say my husband and I are more like the soda splitting couples in the last post.
My husband works a shift schedule (firefighter) so I live alone in our home about 33% of the time. Recently, he got a new job and was home every night for four straight months. I was genuinely shocked at how upended my life felt and how much I missed my alone time puttering around the house, eating what I wanted (read: girl breakfast/lunch/dinner), and doing things all my way. I was relieved when he went back into his shift schedule and I got my life’s rhythm back. Not that I wanted him to go away, just that I learned how much I cherish that time to myself. I know it’s not the same as truly living alone, which I have never done. But based on my situation and reading this article I absolutely see how time to yourself in your home with no one’s expectations to meet can be life-giving.
So many people have written in to say they loved their time living alone and it just doesn’t resonate with me. I lived alone my freshman year of college and I have never been more lonely in my life. I joined clubs, I was friendly, I made plans with people, and none of it created a life that felt meaningful. I was so depressed I stopped eating and sleeping, and I don’t otherwise have any major mental health issues. It was just the isolation. I do like my autonomy and alone time–I am married with kids but they are busy teenagers and my spouse travels a lot for work so I generally get enough of that nowadays–but if anything ever happens to my husband I will find a roommate or a boarder or something. I am terrified of ever having to live alone again.
I live alone now and I actually really hate it so I can relate to how you felt in college. I also WFH and write romance novels on the side, so everything I do is me staring at a screen for never-ending amounts of time seven days a week. I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been. I’m an emotional wreck all the time.
Living alone at 18 when you’re somewhere new and trying to figure out who you are and living alone as a grown woman in a home you have lived in for a very long time is very different. You know yourself best, but I would encourage anyone who gets the opportunity to do it later in life to give it a try.
ANON1982 I’m so sorry you’re in a situation where you’re not thriving–that is so hard. The thing that saved me was moving into a co-op. I had built-in company whenever I needed it, people to eat with, and my own space if I needed to retreat. The one I lived in was for students, but I know in many cities there are co-ops for grownups, too. Sending you some internet love and hoping things improve for you very soon.
GG2, what do you mean by co op? The co op buildings we have here in Ontario, Canada don’t have communal meals or spaces really, but I’m so intrigued by what you are talking about, because that it the kind of living situation I am looking for!
Iris, the kind of co-ops I’m talking about are probably more accurately referred to as co-housing, where there are communal spaces and (some) shared meals. You could try looking at the Foundation for Intentional Community (https://www.ic.org) to see if there’s one near you. I also found a Canadian-specific cohousing website to check out: https://cohousing.ca/communities/. Or you could start one! Best wishes!
CG2, thank you so much for this info!
I agree with Romney, it’s different when you are older. The other thing that really makes a difference is even are not dating anyone having deep friendships keeps the lonely out. I rarely if ever get lonely and I think it’s because I have really close friendships ( see my earlier comment, don’t spend too much time alone). I have this conversation with my sister ( she lives alone and works from home, almost exclusively). Her close friends ( ones you can be vulnerable with) don’t live near her. You have to have an active fulfilling social life with people who have your back.
I never lived alone and will do everything within my power to make sure that my children don’t make the same mistake. They’re very young now, but my dream once they’re grown and flown is to live on my own and somehow still make the space or opportunities for them to be with me when they want to be. As much as I want to live alone I also want wherever I live to remain a welcome space for them to be. I’m almost 42 and my parents home has been—and remains—a precious refuge.
I have lived alone for four years and it is blissful! After a tumultuous marriage and disastrous divorce, I am in the best place of my life! I can’t imagine sharing my space again. I love that I can go, do, be, eat, etc whenever and wherever I want! I have amazing friends so I rarely feel lonely and I visit my family often. I am enough – alone.
I believe strongly and fiercely that every woman must live alone (if they can swing it) financially and logistically, of course) at some point in their youth. I have seen too many women who went straight from their parents’ home to their husband’s home with no time for independence in between. Then when things get really tough in the marriage, it is so much harder for them to leave because they don’t know that they can do anything on their own. I wouldn’t trade my solo years for anything!
yess…. I always think about my grandmother who never, ever lived alone until my grandfather passed away when she was 84. not to say she would have done anything differently in retrospect, but it just added another dimension of complexity to grieving and adjusting that didn’t expect could occur at that age.
Not just women. My dad went from living with his parents to his army barracks to married to my mom. When she died of breast cancer, after he nurses her through it, he lived alone, in their house, for the first time in his life at age 70. He put on a brave face but I could tell he was just so, so sad and lost. I hated living alone after I broke up with a boyfriend at age 26. I was so lonely and had trouble sleeping. But eventually I got used to it and it made me stronger and more confident. It really helped me understand myself and my needs better. It made me a more conscious roommate.
Clara! Your garden is a dream! I live in downtown Toronto (but born in Ottawa) and am always researching my “retirement town” since I am a human without a pension. Your garden just put Cornwall on the list.
Hi Sara! I moved here from downtown Toronto, where I lived for many years. Cornwall certainly has it charms, affordability being one of them! I miss the big city, but I relish my gardens and access to nature and nearby family.
I can’t relate to that post since these women are young, healthy, financially independent and have family nearby. I am happy for these women but unfortunately, it doesn’t reflect the reality of a lot of women, especially older women as only one was was featured. I lived alone when I was younger and I love it but it’s a different ball game now that I am older with health issues and one income. It’s still a couple’s world. I feel excluded from a lot of activities because I fly solo. Maybe COJ could do a post on older women living alone and their struggles.
Hi Yvonne. Thanks so much for sharing a bit of your own experience. I appreciate the feedback. When we put a call out on social media requesting interviews with women who live alone, we heard largely from women in their thirties and forties, plus some women like Cheryl, 69, Margarita, 57, and Claire, 25. But at every age and stage, the challenges are different, and I’d love to talk to more older women about their experiences. I also thought this recent piece on how a few different single older women are navigating some of the issues you mentioned by living more communally was interesting: https://www.washingtonpost.com/business/2025/01/10/more-women-are-sharing-their-homes-they-grow-older/
I live alone, and have no human to depend on other from myself. Faith helps me tremendously. It’s actually very peaceful. Prayers for you friend.
@ Alex, that article is very interesting and helpful thank you! It reminded me of this video I saw about 7 friends who bought a retirement house together. I found it very inspiring and would like to do something similar! https://nypost.com/2019/07/03/seven-chinese-girlfriends-buy-mansion-to-retire-and-die-together/
Thank you for this!!! Our daughter lives alone by choice, and moms worry sometimes. I loved reading about all of these strong and happy women living alone! Also, can we please have a tour of Clara’s garden??
I’m seconding this! When I got done reading this post, all I wanted was more of Clara’s garden@
I spent the first 37 years of my life living with my family, sharing a room with a college roommate, sharing a bed with my college boyfriend, and then having him become my husband. I can probably count on one hand the number of nights I spent alone between the ages of 0 and 37. Then, I got divorced and got my own apartment with my kids 60% of the time (and my dog all the time – all the commenters are right that you are never alone if you have an animal companion). I lived alone for four years, and they were transformational. I am now remarried, and the way I live with my second husband is entirely different from my first husband. I think it is because I spent those years living by myself. I learned to be myself, by myself, and I would recommend that to EVERYONE. I loved living alone so much that the way I *knew* I wanted to get remarried was that living with him was even better than living alone.
I know I should be commenting on how empowering living alone sounds (it does!) – I’m really here to find out where Katie got her amazing quilt and I would love to see Jan’s pink bathroom!
Happily married, but my husband and I live separately for about 70% of the year. 10/10 would recommend!
Caroline, would you expand on that if you’re comfortable?
Tara, gladly. My husband works about 3 hours from our home. He has an apartment that is provided by his employer. He is there Monday-Thursday and drives out to see me on weekends. He has summers off and a lot of time around the holidays. We only ever go about 2 weeks max without seeing each other. We’ve been together 10 years and it feels like we are dating again. I can’t wait for the weekends when I know I’ll see him. We don’t have kids, and don’t plan to, so that makes it super easy. Some folks think it’s weird, but it works really well for us.
Yes, I would love hear more about this.
We live separately 50% of the time and honesty, it’s bliss!!!
I LOVE living alone! So much freedom., so much calm and stability in your own space. Only downside is “why has no one else washed those dishes yet…oh. right.”
I’ve lived alone forever and I love it.