How Do You Make Your Partner Feel Good?
A couple of weeks ago, I saw the cutest act of romance…
Isn’t that the sweetest gesture? I love the idea that the writer’s fiancé noticed how much reaching the milestone of 100 subscribers meant to her, and how he celebrated it with such a personal gift.
After reading that post, I felt inspired to look for all the small and big ways that my husband, Max, and I care for each other. Here are a few things I’ve come up with…
1. If I’ve had a long day, Max will put me to bed with a head massage, and he’ll play with my hair, which feels amazingly comforting. If he’s stressed or exhausted, I’ll give him shoulder rubs and foot rubs, while asking about his day and relaying all the funny things the kids have recently said or done.
2. If anything breaks around the house, Max will fix it — immediately. Earlier this week, our oven broke, and that same evening, I walked outside while he was grilling dinner and I found him watching “How to fix your oven” online tutorials. The next evening, our oven was up and running. As a teenager, I thought romance was all about slow dances in the moonlight and writing love songs. But now, as a woman in my 30s, I love having a partner who solves big and small house problems right away. That, my friends, is hot.
3. Ever since our daughter Ella was born four years ago, Max has surprised both of us with gorgeous Valentine’s Day bouquets. Ya’ll, I’ve never received flowers like this in my life, and it feels so good to have a guy with great taste in flowers! This year, I asked him why he decided to give extravagant bouquets to Ella, too, and he said, “Because she appreciates the fine things in life, and it’s so funny how the arrangements are as big as she is.”
4. Every morning, at 4:30 a.m. on the dot, I’ll wake up with Max’s alarm (that construction worker schedule!) and will myself out of bed to make him a fresh pot of coffee. I do this partly so that he’ll have a caffeinated beverage to keep him alert on his early drive. But I also do it to stand in solidarity during his brutal wakeup times, even though I always fall back into bed after I give him a sendoff kiss at the front door.
5. One the eve of our wedding anniversary (we’re hitting seven years this May!), I always bake us a batch of Joy the Baker’s overnight biscuit cinnamon rolls. Max, who has a major sweet tooth, goes nuts for these tender rolls with a hint of nutmeg. I love seeing him smile when I bring out a plate of them.
How about you? What big or small ways does your partner make you feel loved, and vice versa? Keeping up our marriage, along with our careers and kids and all the heavy things in this world, can sometimes feel hard. But over the years, I’ve learned that looking for little things you can do to make your partner feel appreciated makes such a big difference.
P.S. Eight reader comments on marriage, and how sweet are these proposal stories?
Comments
150 commentsI praise my husband at least once a day. I don’t mean I say “you are handsome” or “I like your shirt” I mean I say “good job at…” or “well done on the….” I don’t know why it is different to him but it is. Makes him happy and it helps me remember (after 30 years) to be his cheerleader instead of his critic!
Wow, I so needed to read these comments. They have made me notice so much of what my partner of 30+ years does, much of which I take for granted. Joanne, we need a new, updated Love Languages book (without all the sexism in the original). It took us several years to finally directly ask, “What do I do that most makes you feel loved?” My guy fills my gas tank and washes my car without my asking, brings me a hot cup of tea in bed, is an equal partner and parent—and accepts how much I hate dealing with billing errors or insurance companies, so has completely taken on those tasks. He can fix anything, which saves us a small fortune regularly. But what most makes me feel loved are the little things: taking my hand as we walk, asking if I want a blanket when we settle in to watch a show, or telling me he heard an interview on NPR that he knows I’d love. I guess it all comes down to being seen.
My husband and I give each other cards that say, “I love you.” at random times of the year. It helps me feel like we still appreciate each other and don’t take each other for granted. He is also big on physical affection as in he’ll walk up to me and kiss me or give me a hug, which feels really special.
My parents made the gut-wrenching decision to say goodbye to their dog yesterday. She was only 4 but had gotten really sick in the last few weeks and wasn’t getting better. It was a horribly sad day. My husband knew (and loved the dog too!) so when I got home, he just sat on the couch with me while I cried for a little while. Then he told me that we could order whatever I wanted to eat for dinner and we could watch whatever would make me feel better. We ordered pizza and fries from our favorite local pizza place and he let me stay on the couch curled up like a burrito for most of the evening. He even got me chapstick out of my bag when I couldn’t really manage to get up. He’s a wonderful husband, but isn’t always in touch with his feelings but he really showed up for me yesterday. And while it didn’t make me feel good, it made me feel better. Which is exactly what I needed.
Alyssa, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Sending you a ton of love & comfort.
I want to word this carefully so it doesn’t sound like I’m mad and bitter – I’m actually not, I’m really really sad. Four years ago in May my (now ex) husband of 25+ years walked out to be with his 4th affair partner (younger – because how cliche) who then only lasted nine months. I had met him when I was 21, we married when I was 25 and he was the man of my dreams for a long time. There were so many mental health issues that led to behaviors that he never ever would have engaged in were he healthy. The first 15 years of our marriage were good and that’s where I’m going with this – we moved a bunch for his job and I do not have an eye for decorating and every time he would get the place painted and arranged and get us a brand new vacuum cleaner. He had great taste and I was thrilled to let him do that. He knew my Starbucks order and was an early riser so I would wake up on Saturdays with that order waiting for me. I get overwhelmed in loud stores and he could look at me and say “yep, you’re done – go wait in the car” and finish whatever the errand was. He made furniture on the side and I still have bookshelves that he built – I’m a big reader and every time one shelf got full he would build another. He would joke that we were going to run out of places for bookshelves. I had an old violin that wasn’t playable-it was a family heirloom – and he made a beautiful shadow box for it instead of it living under the bed unseen. These are the things I miss-the things that were personal to me, to us. Jen Hatmaker did a heartbreaking post when her marriage broke up about what happens when your person leaves – the person who knew all the teeny things about you and now they are gone and took those things with them, how you want that knowledge back, they no longer deserve to hold that information about you because that’s what made you each other’s person and that’s not true any more. I feel that reading these posts – the things we do for our person and then what happens when they are no longer our person. I miss those things and I miss doing things for him too.
This comment must have felt very vulnerable to write, Dana, but it was beautiful. Thank you very much for writing it. This is such a tricky prompt! I’m possibly at the end of a 15-year relationship, or at least in a moment of crisis and flux, and one big part of it is: what exactly are we for each other right now, or what have we been for each other over the past few years? How do we care for each other? How have we showed up, or failed to show up, for each other? Gah. Anyway: Dana, thank you, loved reading this.
Dana, I just wanted you to know that something about your words drew me in very profoundly. I can feel your pain and I am sending you a big hug – I’m so sorry this happened. I also want to ask if you’re a writer or if you’ve ever thought about writing? You definitely have *something* … Xo.
Ash – I am not a writer, but I read a ton and I love a beautiful sentence. I taught Latin for a bit and I love words and where words come from – all parts of the same thing I think. I sometimes think about writing a story or book about the arc of my life – some not so great things have happened to me, but then I think really, I’m not that interesting so I let it go. I do know there are many of us in our mid-50s who have had a similar experience of being set aside for that younger person and what a strange and disorienting experience that is – I will never again be the person I was – he took something from me that will never return. I don’t mean that HE has it, I mean something about me is gone – I’m not the same after the person you loved with your whole self is done with you so thoroughly, I don’t know how you could be. It was a lifetime of doing things to make a partner feel good and it added up to nothing. That makes me sad.
These comments are making me teary at my desk! My husband’s love language is gift giving, and after almost 20 years together I am still shocked by how generous and thoughtful he is. He loves celebrating my birthdays and our holidays to the max; it took me a very long time to NOT feel embarrassed by the generosity and see it as the act of love that it is. TL;DR I did not grow up feeling special or pretty and he makes me feel both on a regular basis.
I bought my own Valentine gift, for my husband to give to me, this year. So he could save face with our 9 year old, and not feel guilty about not getting me anything when I had something for him. The decision to do this was a struggle, and only solidified my desire to divorce and start anew (which I have not yet done). I don’t need gifts, but I need to not fake an ideal for my daughter.
Good for you! You deserve someone who makes the effort and cherishes you.
Sarah thank you for the vulnerability to share this. I am sending you an abundance of courage as you navigate the future and how you want to move forward <3
These comments are SO good! It makes me think of a quote my dad read at my wedding reception: “Love isn’t a thing after all, but an endless series of single acts.” Look at all these beautiful single acts that have created so much love in this community! (Also, random, but I think Jannelle and Max are extremely cute together and something about his face allows me to see *exactly* what he must have looked like as a baby/toddler and I find myself so endeared to him as a result!)
I’ve never been loved like this by a partner but my dog guarding the bathroom door while I’m in there is kinda nice. :)
Oh I wish I had a dog! This mental picture makes me smile.
That IS love! How sweet.
Number 4 is amazing. Standing ovation for that one!
Yes, that one is true love!!!!!!
I thought the same thing! Huge!
I know this had the opposite effect. But… this post really really makes me want to pursue that divorce I have been thinking about for 2 years. I never experienced any of these things, pre, during, and post kids, including when I had cancer. that is not to say – I am also inspired. I show up for my family, kids, and friends with all kinds of acts of love bc that is who I am and he will not make me bitter or different. I am full of love, even if I don’t receive it! XO
that is SO WONDERFUL that you recognize that you are so full of and worthy of love, anonymous. sending a big hug your way. xoxo
This helps me think about the things my husband does for me (sometimes I tend to think only about the things I wish he did for me …). He scrapes my car when it’s icy, he does the hard yardwork, he has never minded jumping in on my days of kid duty when I am inundated with work. He texts me little good night emojis when I am on a business trip, he finishes my home projects when I’m stuck (he is a lot handier than I am, but I have lots of grand ideas, he always does the kitchen clean-up when I am cooking). He is supportive of my ideas, and he keeps me grounded where I am dissolving in anxiety. This is 25 years married.
Ella, that is truly heartwarming.
Every night I rub my night creme on my BF face, I make him lunch for work, and he is constantly fixing things for me & doing little things that lmk he’s thinking of me. The little rituals add up and make each other feel good & are romantic in their little ways!
That sendoff kiss at the front door!!! We have been doing that for 36 years, and it is an important piece of our love.
I somehow stepped in a **humongous** dog poop a few weeks ago and got it all up in the treads of my ($300 Reformation) boot. I was leaving poop footprints – it was that bad. I figured I’d just not wear them ever again. Without being asked, my boyfriend cleaned the boot. My mom declared it the most romantic act ever. He’s not very affectionate and would prefer to never touch me in public, but he packed up my entire kitchen when I moved, drove 3 hours to make me chicken soup when I was sick, bought me a salad spinner, and shows me loves me in so many (often very practical) ways. Romance comes in many forms.
Practical romance is such a thing that makes me happy, I think it’s one of my fav types of romance. Like, when my partner calls from the supermarket and asks if I need anything (we don’t live together), or makes me dinner when I’m exhausted. I love it.
Those giant, stunning bouquets next to little Ella! Surely that memory is going to be an enduring one for her. :) My partner and I met on the job, and used to de-stress with dance breaks – nothing steamy; more like Elaine Benes! Now that we work in different spots and a decade has gone by, the gestures are fewer, but still very pleasant. We just started taking separate mini vacations to visit family, and now I’m looking forward to catching up when he returns from his present one.
I knew CoJ comments had the power to be life-changing, but I’m experiencing it firsthand with this post. I’m recently divorced and having thought about my marriage and previous relationships, was fully convinced that there are no good men out there. I was told to make a list, and I called in The Sweetness of Men. It was empty for two months, but I could fill pages with these comments.
My husband makes us coffee each morning, and when he delivers a cup to me, he kisses me 5 times on the top of the head. This tradition makes me feel so loved each morning.
I love this so much! My partner and I are long distance which is what happens when you fall in love with a Tinder match you met on a business trip 😂 my memory isn’t what it used to be thanks to menopause and our current administration so I keep a list in my notes app of things he’s mentioned that he likes or wants to try. For example, he mentioned that he’d never gotten flowers a few months ago so I sent him a bouquet in his favorite colors and always keep a bag of NerdClusters in my purse cause they’re his fave.
Love this! Yay for Tinder matches on business trips that blossom into something more in spite of the distance!
Through my partner, I’ve learned the joy of compersion— feeling joy in his happiness. We love to make each other the “best bites” of something we’re eating, give each other the last bite, feed the juiciest berry to the other one. It’s healing and sweet.
When k had a very scary emergency c section, my husband knew that talking would calm me down so he the moment he came in the room he – my normally very quiet guy- chatted the entire time. Asking me and everyone in the room questions to keep my calm. It was such an act of love. Everyday for lunch he makes himself a salad. On Monday I chop allllll his vegetables so he can just grab and prepare in the morning. It’s my act of love. He’s the best, and I waited a long time for him. But good love, it’s out there and I’m so glad I never settled.
I do the same for my husband , he eats veggies for lunch, so I chop and package his veggies so that he can just boil and go in the morning.
Reading all these makes me sob, because all these things y’all write, my husband always does them. From grand gestures like buying me jewelry for my every milestones (birthdays, promotion, push presents, anniversaries, graduation) to surprise vacation and nice dinners, to small acts like making me hot tea every night before bed (I always make him coffee first thing in the morning, it’s our thing), buying me chocolate and herb medicine without me asking when I’m on my period (and pick up all the household chores in those days), fresh flowers every our satnite date, and downloading movies or series he thinks I’d love to watch for weekend. I’m so so lucky.
This is just so lovely. Congratulations on being aware of your partner’s gestures of love, appreciating them in the rush and bustle of everyday life, and reciprocating. I’m coming up on my 40th anniversary, and those sometimes small things are what I have found can be the base strength to a long life together. Many more years to all the love stories out there!
This is so nice to read and has made me think of all the nice things my partner and I do for each other. It makes a big difference, we are a very happy couple. Me for him: Make sure there is a glass of water by the bed each night, make breakfast when I am wfh, make sure there is lunch to take to work, heat up a wheatbag if he has a sore neck, take care of the meal planning and most dinners, send reminders of the best days to take leave so we can have long holidays (I’m insanely organised), do the laundry and fold it Him for me: Cups of tea in bed, makes breakfast when I am going to the office, sets up my monitor so it’s ready when I’m wfh, makes me a hot water bottle if I have cramps, does most of the dishes and is a patient sous chef, takes out rubbish, compost and recycling which I hate doing, makes dinner on the nights I will be late home from pole class, is even-keeled and patient when I am grumpy or sad, puffs the the duvet over me when I am in bed
Omg so many! We’ve known each other for twenty years and been together for almost ten of those. I have joys and sorrows just like anyone, but our marriage is such joy and I very strongly believe that it’s because, in addition to deeply loving each other and loving spending time together, we both spend each day going out of our way to make the other person’s day easier and happier. We’re especially attuned to it in this season, in the thick of it with a two year old and a six month old! Our oldest has always been an amazing sleeper but our youngest is less so (lol) so we are way more sleep deprived this time, and we don’t have as much down time as a couple or individually at the moment. But my husband gets up earlier than he needs to so he can get fully ready for work and then give us his undivided attention when we wake up, rather than rushing around getting ready. It makes our mornings so sweet and cozy. He makes smoothies for all of us with our two year old while I fold the laundry he did the night before, and then he makes breakfast and afterwards does a full reset before he leaves for the day (dishes done, cleared counters, diaper pail emptied, etc) so things don’t pile up for me as much during the day. At the end of the day, I make dinner with our two year old and do a similar reset, and after we put the toddler down I usually tuck in to feed the baby (who is cluster feeding at bedtime these days) and he does the dishes and puts in the laundry, which I fold in the morning. On weekends he takes over dinner, we meal plan for the week, and he gets groceries during nap time. We both keep an eye on groceries and household things each day, to make sure that no one runs out of the food they like, toilet paper, dish soap, laundry detergent, etc, and make sure the other person has everything they need to get through their day easily and comfortably (fresh towels, good snacks, clean clothes, gas in the car, bike tires filled, stroller ready, etc). My water bottle is never empty (and I’ve been either pregnant or nursing consistently since early 2022, so I’m especially grateful for that one!), if he’s on a big deadline at work (which usually means he’s going to forget to eat lunch) I’ll order lunch to his office, we swap off doing solo bedtime once a month so we can each go to our respective book clubs, we both get each other flowers, gifts, and thoughtful cards/love letters on special occasions, we both like to surprise each other with hanging something or fixing something or otherwise checking things off the house to-do list, we both make mental notes of things the other person doesn’t like to do or doesn’t have the bandwidth for in the moment and do those for each other, we like to send each other podcast episodes and articles and other things that we know the other person will love, we always bring home a treat for the other person when running errands, etc. It probably helps that both of us give and receive in all five love languages 😂 We also constantly thank each other for everything we notice the other person has done, no matter how big or small – I noticed many years ago how specific and sincere we always are with these, and how good that feels, so I try to apply that to anyone I’m thanking! There are so many more! I’m going to squeeze him to bits when he gets home this afternoon, this has made me extra grateful ❤️
I’m a woman of routine, and I always have a bowl of protein granola for breakfast. My husband wakes up before me, and when I walk to the living area, my bowl, a spoon, and a napkin is always arranged at my spot every morning. It’s the little things!
Love that! I call those the big little things :)
My partner makes me breakfast every morning. We have horses at our house and while I’m out feeding and cleaning stalls he cooks breakfast so I have something healthy to eat when I come back inside. It’s so sweet.
This is such a sweet post. I do not say the following to be THAT woman but I long for these things and I worry I will never have them or I am too old to find them now. But I love the happiness in the comments. ♡
Elizabeth, I’m sending a sparkle into the universe to ask it to bring you these things! xoxo
Elizabeth, you deserve a fulfilling romantic relationship, too! I know that we can never be assured of what the Universe has in store for us, but I’ve definitely seen lots of instances of people meeting their partners later in life. My father is one example. xxo
When I was pregnant, my husband would rub my back for an hour until I farted and then say “well done honey” with genuinely no irony or sarcasm whatsoever. 10/10 I make him a packed lunch every day and take care of his childhood teddies by tucking them in every night. We’re well-suited.
This is so damn adorable :)
When my retired hubs returns from his public school crossing guard morning shrift, I have held breakfast for his return. Standing 2 hrs in all sorts of weather, he loves returning to a prepared meal and hugs. Best start to the day. Hubs is the Master of foot massage. I have very nice feet.
My wife and I have been together for 26 years, since we were teenagers. For many reasons, in part due to the lack of the right to marry, we were officially married after being together for 15 years. At the time, it felt like a step we took for the government protections alone, I mean, we had been forging our own path of partnership and love together for a decade plus already, but it still felt important as we knew we wanted to start trying for a child the following year. Fast forward, and next month will be our ten year wedding anniversary. While we usually just give each other a wonderful series of smooches on that day, and focus on celebrating our OG anniversary, we both realized last week that ten years is a milestone that we should pause and reflect on, together. Reader, despite her wildly busy, very intense job, for which we map our our vacation schedule for the year in January, I saw a little ping pop up on my calendar last week for her being OOO on our anniversary. She came home that night, and said: hey, I was going to surprise you, but realized you might enjoy looking forward to it even more so I’m going to spoil the surprise. I took the midweek day off of work so we can just hang out all day while our kid is at school. I was so, so touched at the efforts I know she took to rearrange her schedule to clear the day, and we made reservations to get massages and chill time at a local day spa and hit up a restaurant and do one of our favorite past times we actually also did to celebrate our marriage… a city walk about where we meander and peep neighborhoods less travelled (for us) on foot, pausing for new stores, or coffee shops, restaurants or parks and just gabbing and holding hands and pausing for little make outs along the random way. I can’t wait. On a daily basis we take really good care of each other, and she truly is also my best friend in addition to being a dope AF partner in life. We love each other, but I think more importantly we really appreciate each other, are kind to each other, and do our very best to be curious instead of judgmental about comments or decisions the other may not understand. Since having a kid together we’ve learned to make our disagreements much more efficient and less personal, and talk about how in life and love, there are seasons where things feel harder and seasons where things feel easier and this is a totally normal flow of life that is meant to happen, assuming you maintain kindness, generosity of spirit and desire for one another. *A note for anyone reading this who has a child or children under the age of six. In my experience, it is a lot harder to focus on our partner until your kid is the first grade. This is of course not true for every situation or person, but if you can find grace to give yourself if you’re reading these comments and feeling sadness, jealousy, anger, frustration or confusion about who you all were as a couple before kids, that is 100% normal and shows that you’re asking yourself and hopefully one another questions about how things are going in your relationship/partnership/marriage. This is great news. It means you really care, and you want to put the efforts from pre-kids back in when you don’t feel like a skeletal shell of a human who loves and cares for brand new to age 6+ people. I’m not saying it’s a magic antidote, for our specific child and family flow, everything from vacation fun to life stressors, school life, work life, love life etc., just felt so much more BALANCED and mellowed out after birthday six. Sending all of you all the love, joy, and happiness you so deserve.
Thank you. This comment is giving me LIFE <3
Thanks for this! My husband and I are currently deep in the toddler trenches (she’s almost 2.5) and there’s some days that are so hard and exhausting. We always love sitting together to talk about the funny things we said or did that day, but we definitely don’t have the time to spend on us and our relationship. Tough moments happen a lot more because we’re under strain with trying to wrangle a toddler everyday. But thanks for this lovely message of hope and something to look forward to. I love my life but it’s definitely not easy right now .
Yes, thank you!! ☺️ got two under three…
I’m not married nor do I have kids but this comment is EVERYTHING.
My husband and I are both looking for work and it’s brutal, especially with two preschool age girls and chronically ill parents. So we do weekly daytime dates while the girls are in school, allow one another to have girls or guys nights out for a pressure release, and never complain about another night eating pizza or Mac n cheese when no one wants to cook. It’s not conventionally sexy, but when two existentially depressed people are in each other’s corners, you guys- that is love.
Oh man, when I was in my slough of depression, the way my husband cared for me still gives me butterflies. To do that from an empty cup yourself is indeed love.
My husband usually forgets to hydrate, leaving him groggy and bloated, so before the pandemic, I bought him reusable water bottles that I filled for him every morning before work. During the pandemic, when we both worked from home, I made him multiple cups of herbal tea throughout the day, and I still do so when I’m at home with him. After our most recent pregnancy, in order to help me recover from what had been months of complications, he volunteered to take the bulk of the night shift with the newborn so I could get better sleep. He’s the best!
Not partner related, but after finally finding a weekend to go visit my husbands extended family in Chicago, my aunt in law mailed us a letter full of *clipped* snippets of things to do that she thought we may enjoy – out of newspapers, magazines, etc.. Minor league baseball games, SKYDIVING, parks and walks, horseback riding. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and mostly just so welcoming. Such a great idea when having a loved one come visit somewhere new. I instantly teared up at the gesture.
To have a family member be that invested in your visit – and in you? I’d tear up, too. Romantic love is awesome, sure, but so is familial.
Joe brings me coffee. I try to make him laugh at least once during dinner.
😄
Reading these comments, I’m over here like , it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me… My husband is a great guy and honestly a great husband, but I think I tend to under appreciate his acts of service – and then clock each small way he lets me down, isn’t romantic enough, etc. But… I really don’t do much for him. I feel like I was a really sweet girlfriend and early wife, but since having kids, that whole part of me has been re-directed toward them. The thought of having to take care of someone else is just annoying to me. I know I’m doing this whole marriage thing wrong – and hearing sweet perspectives like Janenlle’s makes me feel so bad about myself – but I can’t seem to recapture those pre-motherhood feelings of WANTING to go out of my way for him. I will say, for his part, one small thing he does is, whenever we order sushi (for 10+ years now), he plates both of ours, but he always garnishes my plate. He never mentions it and it’s not even like him to do something like that, but 10 out of 10 times, my plate has a pretty little garnish that his does not have.
I feel this deeply. So much of my ‘thoughtfulness energy’ goes towards my kid. It feels like my brain doesn’t have the capacity to do more.
100%. When you have kids who need you, the idea of taking care of an adult seems like extra annoying work. I wonder how old your kids are? Mine are just becoming much more independent, and I feel like I finally want to get back to taking care of my spouse. I also understand not appreciating/noticing things they are doing for us. Maybe your love language isn’t acts of service? My husband never complains when I want to go to the gym in the evenings, even though I know he finds doing bedtime stressful, and it’s things like that that I need to reframe as an act of love instead of just something he “should” be doing.
omg, same boat here. I’m trying to do better, but it’s definitely challenging.
For what it’s worth, acknowledging you want to do more is a great first step. I obviously don’t know your husband, but if my spouse needed to say your first paragraph and said it, I would feel so very validated
I also know the struggle of little kids needing so much that the pressure to do something for my grown-adult husband that he *could* do for himself can be de-motivating. The most motivating thing for the little extra stuff for me has included the thought that I do not HAVE to do this (the way I really non-negotiable have to serve, love, provide things for our children). The thought that I am doing a thing only because I’m choosing to do it for the person I love and not because I have to is a really freeing reframe. I can be overwhelmed and I still get to act like be the considerate person I want to be! At least a little bit. At least sometimes. This way of seeing it has helped me have more fun in marriage.
I had this same realization years ago when talking with a friend about a couple of things he did regularly for his partner. I picked one thing to do for my husband regularly, I didn’t tell him I was doing it, but it made a difference in how I felt about myself in our marriage (and he noticed and appreciated it).
My goodness. I feel this one in my heart. It’s all about the kids right now but I truly need to figure out a way to redirect some of that attention towards my husband.
Being a parent is so hard. Your comment makes me wonder how much of a partner your husband is. I could be way off but I think I would feel similarly to you if my husband wasn’t an equal partner in the work of parenthood. If I was doing almost all of the parenting I would not have any energy for my partner.
I’m so glad you said this. Reading everyone’s comments was nice but I was also thinking how much that wasn’t me. When I read your comment, for a moment I thought maybe I’d written it myself! And it doesn’t make us bad partners. I appreciate what EllyElly says below and I’m going to take that and work on finding a simple thing and moving forward in that way.
Kelly, thank you for this! I don’t have kids, but between two jobs, aging parents and a quasi-commitment to the gym, I often struggle to be the “perfect partner” to my boyfriend of ten years. It’s not that he doesn’t deserve my enthusiasm – he’s a low-key, but incredibly dependable person. I’ve certainly made silent note of the things he could do differently, but I get those “sushi garnishes” too. And those actions do matter, and we do appreciate them.
Kelly, I get this so hard. We have two kids – 4 and 8 – and they are still fairly needy and all-consuming. It’s easy to deprioritize the fellow adult in the house who can blow his own nose and take his own showers lol. One thing that has helped my husband of 10 years and I is to talk about giving and receiving love languages. Feel free to roll your eyes – I do it on the reg because it’s so damn cheesy – BUT it’s helped us enormously to realize that he is filling up the gas tank out of love, and I’m like… “great, you did a needed car task and pulled your weight. Not even worth a mention!” I was packing him lunch every day out of love and he viewed it as an act of family benevolence to eat the leftovers. GAH. I finally said (many times, because my sweet husband can also be dense) “I need compliments and gifts regularly to feel loved by you. They can be grocery store flowers or a ‘great job on that work project’ but please be less stingy with both.” And he has said how much he values quality time where we talk to each other without kids or TV. As soon as we straightened that out and both spoke very plainly, things have been so much better for us in this department. Did it feel a little cringe to ask for it? Yes! Do I still need those things? ALSO YES. Wishing productive cringe convos for us all xo
Love to read these. <3 I can be very impatient and whiny sometimes, but my guy is incredibly even-keeled and never gets upset with me, even when I’m grumpy. Last night we were in a bit of a stand-off while he was making dinner. He had accidentally scorched the sausage for the pasta and knew that I wouldn’t want to eat the burnt pieces, so he wordlessly picked through the unburnt pieces on his plate and gave them to me, and took the burnt pieces from mine. I thought that was such a sweet gesture, especially in the midst of our “freeze.”
Favorite one I’ve read. <3
Loving reading these! My husband makes me coffee in bed every morning. This week, he had to go to work before our 2yo and I woke up, so he left coffee in a thermos, and milk in the fridge, each with a little love post it. Our boy was SO DELIGHTED. “Dada left me hearts! What’s it say? You read it again?” He also makes sure to have a fresh set of sheets on the bed whenever I return from out of town, and learns to recreate cocktails we discover when we go out. For him, I pick up little treats he doesn’t get himself, cover bedtime when he’s shot and remind him that a hot bath is always a good idea.
My guy is the biggest sweetheart. He comes with me to every family gathering, even our weekly family dinners, and goes out of his way to fix things around the house for my parents. Seeing him care for them as well as I do makes me love him even more.
Those flowers are gorgeous! One of my most successful ways to make my husband feel good: He was having a very stressful time working on a project for work (he works at home). I had just finished doing laundry and told him to sit down and close his eyes. I took all the big sheets, still warm from the dryer, and wrapped them around him. Highly recommend if you need to destress! He just said “This is the most comforting thing ever…”
LOVE this.
During the height of COVID, we were a family of 3 college students(I was getting a second bachelor’s degree) learning from home and 1 professor(my husband) teaching from home. Our house is thankfully big enough for it, but we’re all also 4 people who need solitude and that sometimes became difficult. My husband began bringing me my cup of tea in bed each morning, and has continued to do so almost every day since, even when he’s sick like he has been the past few weeks. It is a small yet grand act of love that makes me feel seen and cherished.
We’ve always made a point to do drive-by: if we’re within range of each other, we’ll always do our best to make even a super quick visit happen. It started in grad school, I lived right by the library and he would always swing by my place to say hi (and grab one of my mints!) before going to study. When we graduated and he joined the film industry with insane hours, that looked like him driving 1.5 hour round trip to join me for lunch during my workday and then heading home to go back to sleep. On a school break day he was home with the kids and they drove “near” my worksite that day so they surprised me with a hot coffee. He’s used lunch breaks to drive out of his way to meet us at a playground for 5 minutes just to give all of us hugs and kisses. If I’m running an errand and I’m “near” his work, that means it’s time for a drive by. I hope that our kids see how much it’s worth making all that effort for. He’s not in the film industry anymore and thankfully we have a much saner schedule, but we will still always make the point that we are close enough to do the work to say we love each other.
* if I’m tired, he will look for and take every chance to make my life easier – a couple of times he has straight up put me down for a nap; * I sing in a choir, and he has attended every event unless he was sick; * we both get each other’s favorite snacks whenever we see them while shopping; * no mention of being interested in in something can escape me: I *will* find a way to turn that into a gift; * I will point out how good he is at his job until he can’t deny the evidence.
I live where there is snow and freezing temperatures. My spouse used to go outside in the winter and start my car, cleaning off the snow and frosty windows for me every morning. Even though he didn’t have to be up at 5:20 in the morning to do it. It was a very sweet gesture. He stopped when we got a vehicle with command start lol
We both love to cook and we make the same recipes frequently, so we will often sous chef throughout the day even when it is the other person’s official night to cook. We often prioritize the things that the other hates doing — I weep uncontrollably when chopping an onion, so he gets it done. He finds it very annoying to peel ginger or mince herbs, so I’m happy to help. And, as we dig in for the night, we always thank each other for cooking or helping. I love how we are able to be such a good team without saying a word to each other.
Refrigerated onions do not make you cry when chopping! Don’t know why but it’s for real! Next time you know you have an onion on the dinner menu try popping it in the fridge at breakfast 😌
you hit on something so key- always thanking each other, even for the mundane, even for the things they’re ‘supposed’ to do. it’s so validating and uplifting to be noticed!
Ah refrigerated onions! I need to try this. And agreed on saying thank you, especially for the mundane things since those are often the daily activities that start to wear you down. I try to always notice when he is doing his part to keep our life moving forward.
You are beautiful, Jannelle.
Thank you so much! X
Yes, linda pareja!! :)
Reading this was so sweet! My husband makes both hot and cold lattes for me, and I joke that as long as I’m this dependent on him for caffeine I will never leave 😂 that and a million other things make him great. Side note I cannot believe how big your eldest has gotten! I was looking at that last photo of her (adorable!) and thinking when did she turn into a big kid?! Before realizing my own is around the same age and also looks huge to me now. Time is a thief, isn’t it?
My husband brings me coffee in bed every morning (and has for the 5+ years I’ve known him) but MY GOD… 4:30?!? You’re an actual saint! That’s so loving!
Can I just say, these comments are astonishing and amazing to read through! I’ve never experienced anything like the acts of kindness, generosity, empathy, and love that y’all are describing. It’s like a portal into an entirely different, arrestingly beautiful world.
It’s an extraordinary testament to your character that you respond to this “new” experience with wonder and not jealousy, self criticism, or other negativity. I hope you find all the happiness and support the world has to offer
I second what Anon said. You deserve the beauty, love, and kindness that many posters have described — and I truly believe you will experience it!
I agree- you have just opened a portal to a new world full of kindness, generosity, empathy and love to your world!! 100%! what a lovely comment.
My husband is a federal worker and I’ve been trying to think of ways to be help feel less stressed. I always tend to go into problem solving mode, rather than being comforting. My husband got be through a real rough patch last Fall when I felt like I was falling apart, due to enormous work stress compounded by having a toddler with terrible sleep, constant illness and being in the first trimester of my second pregnancy. He just was patient, patient, and more patient. I’m so grateful for him. He also makes me coffee every morning and ALWAYS let’s me control the remote.
Hi Rae! I’m in DC and so many of my wonderful, smart, and talented friends in our community are in the same boat as your family. These are stressful times, but I feel better reminding myself that they can’t change the spirit of the city and who we fundamentally are as civic minded people who want to serve. Sending hugs your way!
I was just thinking about this the other day! The shower curtain rod in the girls’ bathroom fell, and as I stood there, half-holding it up, I called for my husband to come help me with it. He walked in, unbothered, slipping on his reading glasses as he assessed the situation. And I don’t know why, but that got me. Something about a man methodically putting on his glasses to inspect and fix the problem? Irresistible.
Together for 25 years and getting my butt kicked by menopause-related insomnia and my partner came home, unsolicited, with some natural sleep aid options (options! Not even just one but many!) for me to try. It was the most thoughtful.
Married 30 years. I should have paid closer attention the last few years when the acts of love and kindness disappeared. Divorced 4 years now and dating, but feel like I’m settling for companionship. I want to be seen and known.
Never settled for less than you deserve. The price to pay is too high. Don’t lower your standards. This is a topic close to my heart and triggering for me therefore the advice albeit unsolicited.
This valentines day I was sick of influenza A. That night my symptoms started to include vomiting. My husband took care of me and cleaned up the vomit without making me feel bad about it ( I still felt a little bad but that is on me) After 18 years of marriage if that is not love I dont know what is…
Can someone tell me things get better or back to this post baby? Had a baby last year, she was a preemie, had brain surgery at 2 months old, it’s been a year of doc appointments and no sleep for us and I honestly can’t imagine where to find even a moment of time to do any of this and we used to do all of this—it’s not even like we collapse on the couch at the end of the day, after eating fast it’s laundry and cleaning and falling into bed if you’re doing the overnight bottle, and repeat. Love my baby endlessly and wanted her for ages but fear that her parents are turning into housemates with a great kid and don’t know what to do—or if things will get better when she sleeps through the night…
I’m so sorry to hear this! My (anecdotal) theory is that it takes at least a year for parents to feel like their head is above water, and that’s why siblings are often at least 2 years apart. For me, that transition was drastic, one day, I couldn’t imagine making it, and a few months later I wanted to add another one to the mix. With every kid I forgot how key sleeping through the night was until I got it back, it is life changing! And that’s for babies with no complications. So hang in there! If you can manage to say “I miss us, can’t wait to figure out ‘us’ again, thanks for being on my team in this really hard stretch”, I love hearing/feeling that when I’m drowning.
Just be patient and kind to each other, or even just polite if that’s all you have the energy for. It will definitely get easier and you’ll have more energy for each other. Hang in there!!
It gets so much better and easier when they sleep, I promise. Our kiddo is 2 now, and we have more time to talk and rest and not feel like everything is happening all at once. What helped us get through the hard phases was to remember that we were a team (“the baby is the enemy, not your partner” is the classic COJ quote) and to try to laugh about the hard and gross stuff. I hate potty humor in general, but when my kid was younger, I tried to find it funny and share that with my partner. Some memorable times: “The baby pooped in my hand…again?!” In the Mexico City airport, right when we were supposed to board, the baby had a massive poop, then (as we scrambled to do the diaper change) peed everywhere, then pooped again. Since then, anytime big diaper accidents happen, one of us will yell “It’s Mexico City all over again!” Also, one time I was proud of myself for finally clipping my toenails and my partner said to me “Ummm, I think you might’ve missed a foot.” He was right, and we still laugh about it. Sending you love and strength and good humor. You got this.
Sending you much love and strength. It must be so hard.
things will get better <3 you two are just surviving right now. you'll find your way back.
I’m so sorry Anon. I can’t imagine how hard this is. The first year with a healthy baby is rough and you’re dealing with so much more. My wish for you is that everyone gets some rest soon and you can start building a new normal.
I had a different but similar situation with our daughter, who was born with a birth defect that needed surgery at the same time my dad was dying of ALS. It felt like we were in a lifeboat for a long time as a couple, and I had a hard time connecting with other moms and making small talk. Our world got small. She’s 2.5 years old now, and I can say definitively, it does get better. Can you do night shifts with the baby (pump if you’re breastfeeding) and take a couple nights with full stretches of sleep? And then do the same for your partner? We found that trading off and on helped. Also, let yourself cry it out. Having your child go through brain surgery is the biggest, you know? Thinking of you and sending love from the other side. Wish I could give you a hug, make you a meal and clean your house. xo
My first thought when I read that Janelle has kept up with her yearly cinnamon role baking for her husband was: HOW?! I used to bake my husband a carrot cake every year for his birthday. And, after our twins were born (also premature), this tradition fully stopped. It takes all of 4 hours *once* per year to bake a cake. But it felt truly impossible to find those 4 hours after our kids were born. Having an infant is all consuming; especially one with special medical needs. My twins are now 3 y/o, and this year I managed to bake the cake. The children evolve, your challenges evolve, but it will be *different* for you as time goes on. Whether the different is better is hard to know. But I hope knowing you will not be stuck in the pattern of hard you are currently in forever brings some comfort. (Even if it’s hard to believe in this current moment.)
Sleep definitely helps. I also want to encourage you to acknowledge the extra load you’ve carried as parents to a kid who needs some extra tlc. My kids are a bit older but both have diagnoses of things that make them a bit more intense. When the second was born his dad was diagnosed with cancer (in another city) and eventually passed away when our son was 6 months old. Extra stressors mean you guys have to really rely on each other. I can’t say I get much extra acknowledgement from my spouse but I know we both feel like we’re in this together and couldn’t do it without the other. We’ve had to take extra care to take care of ourselves individually. Sometimes just giving each other the time to do this is what makes us feel seen and validated. Extra stressors mean love and care may look different and that’s okay!
Am reading these responses with tears in my eyes. I don’t have any mom friends and now I feel like I do. Thank you, thank you. I feel less alone and like we can take baby steps towards things getting better. 🩷
This is such a good question. I’ve found that newborns need EVERYTHING so your role as parent is like a balloon that instantly expands to fill your entire space- forcing all other roles to shrink. As a child ages they can do more and more (my body is no longer needed to feed them but I still had to provide all food on a plate and now, the kids prep most meals and I just have to stock the shelves). So my parenting balloon appropriately shrank. What I had to actively do is expand the roles that meant a lot to me- to allow what mattered to take up space again. It took years and many conversations about “how do we expand our time together?” to carve out a place where we feel like we did pre-children (except better because, with more balance, the role of parent is even more celebrated)
Agree with folks. We all struggle with this stuff and it happens. I can relate in every respect. Our trick is to just schedule a date. You might not feel like it and half the time it gets cancelled when it’s crazy but just schedule it lol. And it’s always fun to get asked out lol. You are doing great.
I am so sorry that your babytime is super tough. You both are doing a great job. You won’t be able doing this, if you won’t be a good loving team. And its true, what Elly said: It takes a year!
Know this feeling well. Babies can be all consuming. Especially when you wait a long time for them there is a guilt to give yourself them 100%. My rec is try to start to carve out time. If you both work from Home could you go on a walk? Instead off tv could you play a game?
There is a reason vows say for better and for worse. Raised two sons with demanding jobs and 3000 miles from family when they are young. Many wonderful acts of joy during that time too. Now with two parents in late 80s, I realize new wonderful traits in the man I married and work harder to make sure I see his acts of kindness.
I kind of think that there’s usually biological reasons for this. You’re less likely to want to mate with someone if you’re in survival mode. After all, that romance and connection in primal terms equals another mouth to feed. So maybe it’s ok that you’re housemates at the moment. Try to be best friends also and trust that when you have more resources the romance will return.
Hard to imagine a more attractive couple… Your freckles and hazel eyes remind me of my mom and my dad was a fixer. They were another gorgeous couple. Seeing the picture of you and your husband brought back wonderful memories.
he does our taxes neither one of us would EVER watch “our” show without the other since being fired as a federal employee, he has only expressed support and love, telling me he believes in me every day even though i no longer do i make him go to the cardiologist we take turns doing the kids’ laundry, and don’t keep score we still hold hands
So sorry about your firing, please know that many many Americans support you and wish you the best, and wish you’d been treated a million times better!!
I’ve read every post and thank every one of you for your advice, your willingness to be vulnerable, and your ideas and experience that define how we can do love! I’m another long married person, closing in on 49 years. I remember a period when I was surprised I stayed… we were so far apart emotionally, the kids and jobs had us exhausted, and we put kids and jobs fans our extended family before our relationship. We went on a trip together. One day we were totally lost ( in my opinion) on a hike along a wild, isolated cliff by the ocean. It was so beautiful. My guy flung open his arms, standing on the edge, and his face lit up with joy. And in that moment, I “saw” the man I loved, all at once. It hit me so hard.that we had spent so long without seeing that joy We found our way back very quickly after that. Since that time we’ve taken more time for us, including those early mornings with coffee, not because we needed to leave for work, but to be alone before kids or others in our house are awake, to greet the day and to truly “ see” each other.
This made me tear up. So beautiful.
A lump in my throat. Thank you so much for sharing.
Not a partner, just the customer service dude at the tyre repair place who said, “let me take that off your plate for you”. Readers, I MELTED. That is exactly what this woman with too-many-projects-being-juggled needed to hear. HOT!
I’ve recently gone through breast cancer, and because of all the treatment, my back and neck pain is really bad. My husband loves to give me massages and even came home one night with an actual massage table that he got from a friend!! Now when i’m hurting he’s like, “get on the table!” He puts on music – usually Grateful Dead because that’s one of our shared musical loves — and i get some relief. He’s the best. As for what I do for him, something that immediately jumps to mind is I always make his lunch. For years. Even now that I make three kid lunches every day, I still make his sandwich – and I even put it in the panini press to toast it before wrapping it in foil.
I’ve just started treatment for breast cancer. I’ll have 24 weeks of chemo, then surgery…congratulations for being done! And so happy to hear the little things done to keep you going.
Best of luck to you Annie. It’s different for everyone, but I know you’ll find your own ways to feel good!
I am three months postpartum with our first. The way my husband has shown up for us these past few months shakes me to my core. Holding the baby after her morning feed so I can eat breakfast alone outside every morning. Maintaining the homefront – grocery shopping, cooking dinner when het gets home, helping with laundry. Taking the lead at bath time, freeing me to do my own nighttime routine. Filling my bedside water glass every night. Rubbing my neck after long days of carrying the baby. Listening to me, like REALLY listening, and then validating my experience. He even led me to join a mommy & me class that I attend every week and has been a game-changer. He has always been so generous with his love, so hands-on in our marriage, but his care during this current season absolutely blows me away with gratitude. I attribute so much of my healing to him.
I love this thread so much because it amplifies our awareness of love in the world. Just you writing this piece brings more love in the world during a time that we need it so much. Even if you don’t have a romantic partner, I think we can all think of sweet acts of kindness and love that we send and receive to coworkers, children, parents, friends, etc.
YES!!!!
This is so, so sweet! I think even taking the time to note these little acts of care is so important for a thriving relationship! Recently, my husband has been trying to look out for me as we prepare to enter into our first IVF cycle. He researched and bought me an ice pack belt that was recommended to make the subcutaneous injections more comfortable. The other day, he commented on a meal plan I’d made and acknowledged that I was making some swaps that would be better for him (he’s had some bad gout flare ups in the past), and he practically swooned as he said “oh, you LOVE me!” 💗 You’re right, romantic gestures in your 30s are different 😊
Good luck to you two! Rooting for you.
We went through IVF two years ago (and have a wonderful 15-month-old now). I am really afraid of needles and my husband thoroughly researched tips for injections, especially to make the progesterone shots more comfortable. It was hard for me but I felt so cared for by him during this time. Good luck with your cycle!!
It is sweet that you wake up early to make your man coffee…why don’t you program your coffee maker to brew the pot at the right time? You can still get up if you like, but this will give you the flexibility to occasionally sleep in while still helping him start his day!
That’s what I was thinking when I read this. Getting a programmable coffee maker was a GAME CHANGER in my life.
during a really stressful unemployment/work certification/medication change period, my husband and I started Carrying the Other’s Load. He would fix my tea and I would fix his coffee. We would fold the other person’s laundry. I would take his chore of vacuuming and he would take mine of tackling the dishes. Even though the effort was almost identical, it somehow made all the difference to feel our loads lightened and do a gesture for the other person.
Wait I LOVE this so much!! It probably works because it’s so nice to have a break from “your” tasks even if you’re just doing his instead. Thanks for the idea!
This is brilliant! You spend the same amount of time and effort, but get a bonus act of service out of it!
My partner has spent the past 5 years working on healing her severe childhood trauma, in large part so that the two of us can have a better relationship and life together. Her steady, painstaking, insanely brave work has redefined love for me. I’m proud and grateful every day.
wishing you both all the healing and strength and much love. So brave and courageous!
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over 6 months. I fell and sprained my knee on the way home Tuesday evening. When I texted to let him know, he offered to come all the way up to where I live (for fellow New Yorkers, I’m UWS, he’s East Village–it’s a hike). By the time I responded to insist that he shouldn’t miss his evening book club for my sake, he was already at Times Square <3
You’re basically in a long distance relationship ;) What a sweet way of showing love
Last week my friend Sarah and her cute pup meatball were on the tv show Britain’s Got Talent. Her husband was shown EIGHT times cheering for her in the crowd. There was even a twitter post someone wrote about “that random fan in an arm cast who keeps clapping enthusiastically”. He was so thrilled by his wife’s passion and so encouraging of her success! It was the sweetest! They hosted a watch party at their house (also their dog watching business) and he kept bringing out champagne, ordering pizza, checking on all her guests, etc. They’re new friends for me and I’m still getting to know them but in that moment I could see how much he supports all her dreams.
This is so sweet and I would love to be friends with these people (and meatball)
Today, I mentioned that I was craving tons of protein “like a meatball sub” (pms??). And next thing I knew, there was a hot and gooey sub waiting for at the sandwich place across the street from my job. SOB
Wow, the healing power of a sandwich. This is the one out of all the comments that has made me tear up. Thanks for sharing, what a partner! SOB indeed!!!
I love this post! Do wonderful and lovely! Congrats on seven years!!!! You two are the cutest. Over the years I’ve noticed that tiny little appreciations and gestures mean so much. (If you haven’t, check out the gottmans!!!) My husband will give me long hugs, hold my hand, and notice right away if something is off. He makes me coffee and snuggles me even though I know my feet are freezing. I bring him snacks and give him little mini massages and speak up for him when he’s shy!