Have a Romantic Weekend.

Just here to say you aren’t alone on that boat, C. P. May all of us who feel a loneliness in some aspect of our lives find ways to ease that sorrow.

hi Melanie, thank you so much for your note! i totally get this feeling, and i’m so glad you shared your thoughts. part of why we started the substack is so that i can have a more private place to write about things I wouldn’t want googled/stumbled upon by my kids, ex, neighbors, etc. it’s not to keep anything i’d normally write from CoJ readers, but instead to write more about things i wouldn’t put on CoJ (aka the internet at large), like sex after divorce, my first date after divorce, etc. the catch is, i completely understand that paid newsletter subscriptions can add up. for that reason, we offer a number of comped subscriptions every month — please email us and we’ll put you right on the list. (newsletter@cupofjo.com) thank you so much, as always; I’m grateful to have you as a (hopefully continued) reader and really appreciate your taking the time to give feedback xoxo joanna

Thank you so much, Joanna, for your thoughtful response! This community truly is something special, and I’m eager to hear all about everything, especially since you feel so familiar. I completely understand the need to be mindful about what you share. Your response made perfect sense, and I really hope I didn’t come across the wrong way. Sometimes, with the Substack situation, it can feel like everyone’s at a party you weren’t invited to, haha! I’ll definitely continue reading here, and I’ll be sure to reach out to your team—I’ve found so many incredible insights through you and your readers!

Similar here. My dad stopped drinking for good when I was about 12, and I’m still so so so proud of him for it. We have a long and broad history of alcoholism in our family, and it was an incredible gift to me that my parents were open (in an age-appropriate way) about addiction, recovery, and relapse. It gave context to struggles we experienced and gave me the ability to make truly informed decisions about how I wanted to engage with alcohol. Which turned out to be not at all. I’ve never had a drink, never had to worry about whether genetics would impact my ability to drink without becoming addicted, and never ever felt like I was missing out on anything. L, I know you read the comments in the original post, and I hope you’re back to see these comments too. You can do this and you don’t have to do it perfectly, you don’t have to do it alone, and you don’t have to keep it a secret.

Kirby! Your comment resonates. It sounds like I have a similar friendship. We’re currently in the stage of figuring out if it’s better to care for each other from a distance. “So close, and also too close”? Check. I find it so hard to imagine a life without regular proximity to my beautiful friend, but it may be the only path to peace for both of us. Women are capable of endless depth and connection and love – and sometimes lacking a necessary containment for all of it, it can turn sour. I’m heartened by how you and your friend have found the best possible solution. Perhaps it’s possible for us as well, but no matter what, I know it’s a privilege to feel passionate love, be it platonic or romantic.

Kirby, this is a fascinating story. I’ve never heard of a friendship like that and would read a novel/memoir about it in a heartbeat

Agree with this so much. On Valentine’s Day I tried to celebrate all the love in my heart for all that we can achieve collectively, the good in humanity, and celebrate the beauty and resources of a planet that we often take for granted. My husband was a probationary federal employee whose job was terminated the afternoon of February 14, alongside thousands of others. His role was what was considered a mission-critical role, one where he would keep working even during a government shutdown. We spent our Valentine’s Day together trying to imagine new futures for ourselves and tried not to feel too much despair for all the services that are no longer going to be provided by civil servants. Hold those you love close!

Agree with this so much. My husband was a probationary federal employee whose job was terminated the afternoon of February 14, alongside thousands of others. His role was what was considered a mission-critical role, one where he would keep working even during a government shutdown. We spent our Valentine’s Day together trying to imagine new futures for ourselves and tried not to feel too much despair for all the services that are no longer going to be provided by civil servants. Hold those you love close and see the humanity in these times!

As a fed married to a fed who used to work exclusively in foreign assistance, I appreciate your thoughtfulness so much, Jo!

I’d love to echo this sentiment and possibly suggest a wider series around: how has this administration directly affected you? I’m thinking about federal layoffs, gender affirming care, people in jobs that are taking precautions based on fear of the government’s direction, etc.

I’m a federal employee who spent the past three years working for the Forest Service in rural idaho. We lost so many people in all of the National Forests in this state. River patrol, archaeologists, wilderness crews, recreation crews, invasive plants crews. It’s been heartbreaking to see how little we matter to this administration all in the name of a bottom line, and that so many I know are losing their livelihoods to fund tax cuts for the uber wealthy.

Great idea, Jo!

Thank you for suggesting this! I was a probationary employee who was fired from my federal service job on Friday and am absolutely devastated. I LOVED my job, and I had felt so lucky to get my foot in the door at my agency when I got my job back in March. I thought I would be at my job a long long time. I’m not sure people in the private sector really understand how shocking and devastating these “layoffs” are. Civil servants take a pay cut for job stability and a mission they believe in. Before the mass firings on Friday, the leadership at my agency assured us repeatedly that there would be no layoffs in my program under the new administration, and that as civil servants we have legal protections and that even probationary employees cannot be fired without cause. The termination letter that all the probationary employees in my agency received cited performance as the reason we were being let go, but our supervisors didn’t even know we were being let go until the morning it happened. It all feels so crazy and dystopian.

Such a good idea!

I’m so terribly sorry to hear of all these job losses. This is INSANE. I marched for all of you yesterday in downtown San Jose. Please march, call, boycott. Every voice matters!!!!!! Encourage your friends and neighbors!!! We can’t accept this.

Yes would love to see this. I work at an environmental non-profit and our funding is impacted by the freeze. We will need to start letting people go soon – in addition to thousands of American jobs the administration is directly cutting from the federal workforce, it is also trickling down to contractors, non-profits and other groups who relied on this funding.

Agreeing about highlighting the jobs lost and the domino effect. It’s staggering in the nonprofit space. My LinkedIn is chaos. Is there any central space tracking the data? Also thinking of anyone pursuing a degree in fields that are now being obliterated. We need scientists!!!

Yes please. My husband is a federal employee for an agency that literally funds itself (no tax payer money) and yet DOGE has terminated employees. Mission critical employees that keep the lights on for an entire region of the US. My partner’s job is ok for now, but we worry. I’m a SAHM with a daughter. On top of job losses, they shut down affinity groups (even the one for veterans!) And put DEI staff on leave. Its a diverse agency – including politically and geographically. There are staff who are veterans and who live in rural areas. It’d be great to talk about what we can do, aside from calling our representatives. Like putting up posters supporting our federal workers. Calling federal workers to see how they are doing. Funding ACLU and others support the legal fight against this. And voting in the midterms!

I am so sorry to hear this is happening to civil servants in the US. Does the new administration not understand that unemployment is terrible for the economy? What is worse is that it is terrible for people, and other species (parks), and the planet in general. I don’t even know what to say except I am sorry and, frankly, worried that governments with this mentality are becoming increasingly popular all over the world.

We do Doughnut Friday! It started in late March 2020, as a way to have something, anything, on the calendar, and now it’s been nearly five years and it’s an anchor of our family book of days. We’ve never missed a single one!

We have “Special Dessert Surprise” on Wednesdays! We started it in the pandemic to help my kids track time. The surprise isn’t the dessert (it’s always ice cream) but in how we consume it. At the dinner table, with a board game or show, in the bathtub, at an ice cream shop. It always brings us joy and helps ease the last leap to the weekend.

Hi Laura! I live in the area and was interested in taking a beginner or beginner 2 class at WSB, but when I looked, found it was booked up for as far as I could see in the calendar. Is this common? How do you go about signing up for classes? Thanks!

Thank you Lala, I just got back from one and it was empowering and inspiring. Seeing hundreds of people from all walks of life taking time out of their day, demanding better for us all… it was such a relief. I was in tears for most of it. For those interested, you can also search 50501 in your city or state for more info. I’m bugging my local news outlets to cover!

Or perhaps they’re following at a virtual guide to the gallery, translating something, looking something up like a historical reference they’re not familiar with, sharing a photo with a loved one… There are endless generous interpretations as to why someone might be on their phone at the Louvre – you’ll never know, so it’s much more pleasant to assume the best rather than the worst.

I would suggest you have a talk with your son on how money is not an appropriate way to express affection. The other planned gifts sound sweet, but money is closely related to power in our society, and feelings can’t be bought. This is a great opportunity for learning/teaching about dating, boundaries, and how to handle returned affection (or rejection) gracefully. As for the girl’s mom, you could her a heads up that he’s planning a gift for her daughter. You could let her know more generally that she can always reach out to you about matters concerning their friendship.

I will preface this to say I am not a parent, so take this feedback I am about to give with a grain of salt! I wonder about talking to your son about giving the money, as that is a lot of money for a young child to have and give and I could imagine might be uncomfortable for the receiving family/friend. Maybe a conversation with him around different ways and options to show people that we care for them/like them. Your son sounds like he has a wonderful, caring heart!

I think go with your gut on this. I would be really wigged out with that extravagant gift unless just the handmade box and I misunderstood that he was actually giving her cash. And just if they MIGHT like each other from playground chatter… I think I’d rein in the gift and the I love you note.

The sentiment is very sweet, but I would reign in giving the girl the $60. I think even adults spending that much after a couple months would seem excessive. As a mom with a son as well, my husband and I are trying very hard to make sure that our son sees the important qualities in a crush, significant other, partner, etc. Are they kind? Are they funny? Do you help each other….etc. Good luck!

A delicate situation! Regarding the cash, could that be circumvented by saying that money as a gift is something everyone can receive but only for adults to give? A little gift or a handmade one sounds lovely. Perhaps the amount spent could match her age?

High school, not elementary, teacher and parent weighing in—the money is weird and I would be very freaked out by that as a parent. The gift and the note are cute though!

Oh man, please let us know how this all turns out. Little older but My son had a crush on this girl but wouldn’t date her until high school. They’re both freshmen and he broke up with her because she started dating a guy on the side. Who knows if they’ll recover from thos when they get older.

I think a heads up for Mum would be much appreciated. She can have the chance to talk to her daughter about how to handle it (reciprocated or not!)

What a thoughtful approach! My 10 year old niece got a dozen red roses and a box of chocolates in the middle of January (!!) from her 10 year old sweetheart. He was too excited to wait until Valentine’s Day, haha.

Oh my gosh, yes! This whole area feels like a minefield to me. I have a 10 year old and I’ve found multiple notes from a girl in his class saying “you’re such a sweet guy,” and she gave him a special valentine that said love, ___. It’s sweet, but I don’t know if we should bring it up with him or just let it be. I want him to be a kid for as long as possible, so I don’t talk about crushes/who’s “going out/etc., but he’s my oldest so I really don’t know what I’m doing.

Ooh gosh, this is a great topic to write about and a tricky one to navigate! I’ll say that when I was around 9–12 years old, for reasons unknown to me, several boys in my classes had very well-known and performative crushes on me. And it made me really, really, really uncomfortable. I don’t know the right answer, but for me personally, I wish they had been discouraged from sharing their feelings because it made school really stressful for me.

It sounds like you know what to do, (invite the mom to tea and talk about it), but a post that discusses navigating what an adorable “problem” this is (eh, 2025 male female dynamics for the win, lol), would be interesting.

Hi Amy! This is such an excellent question. My 9-year-old daughter has been on the receiving end of some similar adoration, on and off for years, and I think it’s been a great opportunity for conversations about relationships, love, consent — all sorts of things! The boy in question had some controlling behaviors, all totally age appropriate and non-malicious, but it helped us frame some conversations around consent and it helped her practice navigating a friendship and boundaries. If you decide to support his proclamation, it might be good to also start some similar conversations? Hopefully the other parents will do the same with their child. I wish you and your son luck navigating young love!

My daughter is that daughter! This is super long, I’m sorry, but I have so many feelings and thoughts over this. I tried to do a TL;DR, but failed spectacularly! It’s been super adorable, but my personal baggage takes a lot of time/effort to sort through while I try to be the parent I wish I had. This adorable boy has had a crush on her since the second grade, and last year at the end of 4th grade party before heading into middle school they became “officially boyfriend/girlfriend”. I asked my daughter what that means and she said “that we *love* love each other”. I just about died with the cuteness, and relief that it’s not about anything physical or pressure at the ripe old age of 9. Prior to this, the boy had given my daughter little tokens on Valentines day, which I’ve had mixed feelings about in part because it’s outside school rules to do this, and clearly required some amount of involvement of his parents who had been silent at that point – but it was a sweet gesture. After they became official (I can’t help but giggle over this), I found this boy’s parents’ contact information and set up some playdates, and these kids are such amazing friends. They’re so…innocent! It’s sweet, and feels like a very healthy pre-pubescent relationship with kindness and thoughtfulness of each other at the core – along with good old-fashioned kids being goofballs. They click so much more organically than my daughter’s BFF, to be honest. I think that his parents were relieved when I reached out and said “let’s set up a playdate!” and not “keep your boy away from my daughter!” As parents I have tried to follow my daughter’s lead – I call him her boyfriend, which feels not completely accurate for what I see of them but what she calls it, but I try not to push her in any direction other than “is he kind? are you kind to him? do you have fun together? do you feel pressure to do anything you don’t want to do?” The last question comes up most for how they determine which friends they eat lunch with or just eat with their separate groups of friends, nothing higher stakes yet, thank goodness. We’ve had to navigate the “don’t cancel your fun because he *might* call to make plans” issue, which honestly in some ways I think could be a blessing to preview before hormones really kick in. Our conversations center her feelings and her opinions, or at least that is my goal (in reality? Who knows how well this goes!) I would have appreciated a reach out from his parents – with a major caveat of know your town/school/group of people. I live in a rather conservative town, and there are a lot of families that buy into old-fashioned gender stereotypes – I think I would have been worried that this is a “boys will be boys” family if his parents didn’t show some amount of trepidation over the whole circumstance. I also would have appreciated a heads up from them, rather than playing detective on his side of the story from whatever pieces my daughter told me over time. Personally, it matters a lot that his parents aren’t pushing this to be anything beyond what the kids lead on. I don’t know if that will apply to every parent. To me, these kids are so young in terms of understanding their own autonomy and agency, and framing a relationship as romantic brings baggage whether the kids understand that or not. I don’t want them to feel pressured to feel any specific way; I want them to listen to themselves and hone that skill so they can feel empowered to resist outside influences that don’t feel true to themselves. So reach out! But play it cool? (Maybe that is the TL;DR!)

Mom of two adult children here. I predict that it’s a youthful infatuation that will pass, so treat it that way. Let him give her the note and the rose, but not his savings. Try not to worry too much about it and good luck!

Mom of a ten year old girl here. So sweet! Your son sounds very thoughtful! I’m wondering if maybe you steer him away from cash, like using it to buy a gift? The cash is the only piece that gives me pause, everything else sounds lovely and age appropriate! Win or lose, he will have tried and you will have let him navigate his own relationships while providing good guidance. Good luck!! Keep us updated

Hi Amy- I reread this several times to make sure you truly want input. I am a third grade teacher. I highly recommend that your son does not single out this girl and give her an extravagent gift or any type of Valentine declaring his love. The risk of the girl’s feelings is too high- the embarassment, the talk on the playground, navigating emotions that they do not have the maturity for. I talk to my class about crushes and how they are not appropriate at his age. We talk about what it means to love a friend and how you can love and adore each other without it being a crush. I love and adore my work bestie, the art teacher, without it being a romantic crush. Maybe talk to him about what he admires about her, and focus on being a good friend and classmate instead. Sorry if there are typos! I am on my phone and am not able to edit.

Hi Amy, this has not happened to me, but I do think it’s a nice gesture to give one of the parents a heads up!

In terms of the gifts: I would discourage him from giving cash gifts. He needs to learn that is not the way to demonstrate love and that is not what love is about. If he wants to give a card and a box he made, I can’t imagine anyone can object to that. As for such a big crush so young… I don’t really have advice. Maybe someone else will offer advice in that department. Best wishes.

It’s true, I read it with my hand at my heart.

just seconding this comment!! it is such a great book and i love to hear that Barbara Kingsolver is opening a home for women in recovery.

I started it (25-30% through?) but put it down because I feel like I can’t read another book where a child is horribly abused. I asked someone if it ever got “happier” and they said no, not really. There’s too much real pain, I can’t be adding to it with ficticious pain right now. Barbara Kingsolver is an incredible writer, I’m sure it’s an incredible book. If you tell me I’ll feel better after finishing it, I will believe you and go back to it!

Hi Deb! I can completely sympathize with not wanting to read a difficult book, particularly about children suffering, right now. I thought the book did end on a hopeful note, and I came away astounded by the resilience of someone like Demon. His character and the writing made me want to stay in the book for days after I finished it. But again, I know the feeling of it not being the right time and place for a particular read – I might feel very differently if I had started the book recently.

I’m going to my first ACA meeting tomorrow night and I’m very excited. My husband and I have been separated for two weeks and I haven’t had an inclination to drink at all. It was like something switched off. I’m drinking tea and staying up talking with our oldest child, and sleeping peacefully. Taking care of myself finally is a whole new world.

Hi Anne, I do, too. The only thing which has consistently helped me is blocker apps. I am using the apple app “screen time” on my phone and the app “freedom” on my laptop and my partner has the codes so I can’t just prolong my limits. Nothing else helped but this. I really do feel so much better and intentional about it and don’t need all my discipline muscle just for my screens but can focus on family and doing sports. I have different limits for different apps, and necessary apps like google maps don’t have limits. Hope it helps!

A commenter on a different post pointed me towards the work of Dr Anna Lembke, author of Dopamine Nation – you may find it interesting.

This is a great suggestion, Anne.

I started using the app Stay Free just last week! I wouldn’t say I have a screen addiction, but if you check your phone’s stats showing how much time you’re on there, it’s hard not to want to shorten that! It’s been helpful for me.

Sam really appreciated the honest and thoughtful tone in your comment. I looked into it because when I see “angora rabbit” on a clothes label, I just asssociate it with a high quality natural fiber. This was sad to learn about and a good reminder that generally when animals are involved in any supply chain, it is more often than not cruelty-related. :( I lived somewhere for a while where people ate rabbits regularly but it was at least where the rabbits lived an ok life; this sounds awful. For others who want to look into stuff, a lot of stuff from PETA is out there which can feel really intense/alarming, I also looked at this link from the House Rabbits Society. This is awful and I’m glad to now know to avoid clothes with any rabbit fur. Thanks again. https://rabbit.org/activism/the-painful-truth-of-angora-fur/

Thanks for posting this. I’m having a hard time seeing the resurgence in fur, it is so needlessly cruel

Oh that’s horrible! Thanks for flagging. Can’t believe it’s still legal.

Agreed. Also, is that what balaclavas look like in America? Haha Canadians are like, is it a decorative piece?

Thanks for the article share, it is powerful!

I loved reading about your beautiful secret, AMK.

Just wanted to say congrats to you on the start of your sobriety – not having alcohol since Christmas is a huge accomplishment!! My husband has been sober for 12 years. He got sober before we met. I’m grateful for it every day.

January meant 3 years for me- keep going ❤️

I also want to support you L, you can do it! You see it, and know it, that’s why you wrote. There are so many people who will support you. You won’t have to keep that secret anymore

This is something I struggle with a lot as a grown-up daughter of a very long time alcoholic father. He just could not stop. He destroyed everything – my parents’ marriage, our childhood, our home, the list goes on… Apparently, I was not worth stopping? Basically, just not worth it? This illness is a monster.

Lol, same! 😂

Haha! Me too. Happy to hear I’m not the only one.

At least you recognized that it was probably a “ last time.” At seventy-seven I have had many last times that went by without realizing. The last time I rocked that child to sleep, the last time anyone recognized me as Ruby Pittman’s granddaughter, the last time that dog or cat slept in my bed….all gone without a trace. Life is indeed bittersweet and we need to remember to pay attention.

Oh Sarah, this brought tears to my eyes! Sending comfort. I miss my grandparents so much.

I keep it so slim! And still haha

Good point Gilli! I’ve had the Trio for years and love it, it’s so functional. This was a good reminder to bring it back into the rotation!

Ditto. Thinking of you both. Warm hug…

This is adorable! Congrats to you!!!

Ahhh congrats Denise!! Hope it’s a blast!!

Have the best time!

Congratulations, Denise! Wishing you a happy and blessed life! Hope the party was everything you hoped for.